Chapter TWENTY NINE
why my life is awesome
-I have a crush on this guy who's pretty cute
why my life sucks
-I have a crush on this guy who's pretty clueless
you win some, you lose some I guess
I'm so screwed. I'm so screwed. I'm so screwed, I'm so fucking screwed.
"...Kairi?"
Riku's staring at me like I'm an idiot - because I am an idiot, I'm an idiot who agreed to talk to her ex because the guy I like asked me to - that idiot! Let's be real here, Sora's the one at fault for everything because if he wasn't so damn likeable, we wouldn't be in this situation in the first place!
My thoughts race at a million miles a second, and finally, Riku's soft chuckle breaks me out of my trance.
"What're you laughing at?" I exclaim defensively with narrowed eyes. Because of course the first thing I say to him is an accusation.
He smirks. "Nothing. I guess some things never change."
"That's not nothing."
"You're right, it is something. I guess you are something, Kairi."
I narrow my eyes further. Riku always does this thing where it feels like he's talking about something way beyond the scope of conversation. At first I thought that made him super cool and mysterious, but I gradually got more annoyed that he couldn't just talk like a normal person.
"Anyways, what's up with you?" he asks casually, like we're just two old friends catching up after a long time of not speaking for no particular reason. I mean, that's obviously us, right?
"What's up with you?" I return, belatedly cursing myself for the unnecessary hostility.
Riku of course remains unfazed by my apparent aggressiveness, shrugging nonchalantly.
"Getting ready for college apps. Just what all the seniors are doing now."
Oh shit. Yeah, I always forget people have stuff going on outside of their roles in my life. I mean, college apps is a pretty big deal, right? Your whole future and all that jazz.
"How's, uh, it going?" I ask tentatively. I should definitely know more about the college app process now as a junior in high school, but I'm not about to give Riku another chance to gloat about knowing something I don't.
Riku blinks and takes a moment to think through his answer. "It's going well. I mean, a lot of self-reflection with these essays about your greatest strength and adversities you've overcome. Kind of a drag I guess. You'll see what I mean next year."
"Yeah, I guess." I look down at the ground and meaninglessly kick around a pebble, because that beats the awkwardness of staring at Riku.
"Sooooo...Sora said you wanted to talk?"
Of course, Mr. I'm-So-Mature breaks the silence with a direct question. God, can't he tell that I'm trying to avoid the actual conversing part of having this conversation?
"Uh, yeah. I guess. Uh-huh," I respond vaguely.
"...about?"
Somehow, everything Riku says reminds me of how condescending he used to sound. Why is he intonating his words like he's talking to a 5-year-old kid who doesn't speak English?
"Well first off, why you're avoiding me?" I muster the courage to spit out in one breath.
Riku blinks owlishly. "Me? I'm not avoiding you."
"Yeah-huh."
"No, I'm not."
"You totally are. I texted you - twice!"
I show him the electronic evidence. He narrows his eyes and grabs my phone to read cause his eyesight sucks, not cause my phone has an abnormally small screen.
"What - this is my number," he confirms.
"No duh!"
"And you actually did send these earlier this week...but I swear to god, I never got them," Riku says, taking out his phone. He scrolls through something on his big ass fancy touch screen, brows furrowed in thought, until a metaphorical lightbulb lights up above his head and his face relaxes.
"Okay, this might actually be my fault," Riku concedes, showing me his phone. "I think one of my friends blocked your number for me when we broke up. I didn't notice till now, since we weren't really on talking terms anyways."
Indeed, going into his contacts shows that he still has my number (never thought to delete it, huh?) though it is blocked. Isn't it possible that he blocked the number himself but came up with that story to explain away his actions? Riku would -
Riku wouldn't do that. Who would go through all that trouble unless they really had something to hide? And I knew Riku had nothing to hide from me. I sigh, because there's nothing I can do but concede to his point.
"Okay, that sounds legit."
"Oh, you took that better than I thought."
A quirked brow. "What's that mean?"
"Whatever you want it to mean." And with a perfect smile, Riku once again reminds me why I hate his guts sometimes.
So. Damn. Vaguely. Condescending.
"You said first off, so what else did you want to talk about?" Riku prompts again.
I draw a deep breath. I haven't actually prepared for this, because I couldn't get in touch with Riku and we hadn't even scheduled a time to meet so there was supposed to be time. Instead, we're here with no time to prepare because Sora ambushed me with this meeting. Because I said yes to his last-minute gimmick, because I like him and want to do things that'll make him happy, cause he's so damn likeable -
Okay, I gotta move on from this liking Sora thing. We all know that by now.
"Shouldn't we talk? About...y'know. Breaking up. Closure. Whatever." The words fall out of my mouth one by one, as I use considerable force to form each syllable.
Riku's brows shoot up like he's surprised by the direction of this conversation. "Yeah, sure. I mean, I've been wanting to do that but you kept acting like you needed time so I figured I'd wait a little longer."
"What do you mean I acted like I need more time?"
Riku stares pointedly. "Like I said...we haven't exactly been on talking terms since we broke up."
"We have! We've bumped into each other a few times!"
"I was okay with it, but I don't think you were."
"Why would you say that?"
"Kairi, when I say not on talking terms, I mean you weren't talking to me. You never said a word to me when we bumped into each other. This is the first conversation we've had, with actual back and forth, since we broke up."
Goddammit, why does he have such a good memory?
"You know, maybe I would've been more comfortable talking to you if I knew you wouldn't be so condescending."
The moment the words leave my mouth, I regret it. I know those words will hurt. I mean, I call him condescending in my head all the time, but that's just how he comes off sometimes. And I know Riku well enough that he's not actually that way. He doesn't deserve to be called that when he's never said the slightest mean thing about me, ever.
The awkward silence stretches on with the nagging guilt in my heart. I force my next word out.
"Sorry."
Riku makes a weird choking sound, so I glance at him curiously. He's patting his chest, like he's actually choking from something, but quickly gets over it.
"I - no, you're...right. I shouldn't be making assumptions about you," he says.
"...okay, so, let's talk?" I propose hesitantly, hoping to move on from my faux pas.
Riku slowly grins. "Yeah...let's talk."
We do something that I would've found impossible at the beginning of the school year - we talk. We talk about everything, catching each other up on different aspects of our lives. It feels right, because I'm not desperately trying to prove to others that Riku and I are friendly exes. I'm not pinning every fault of our relationship on him. We talk like the friends we were before we started dating, and it makes me wonder why I awkwardly avoided him for the past few months.
Until we get to talking about the breakup, that is.
"Riku...why'd you dump me?"
I ask, and I fall quiet, because I've basically ripped myself open for him to take apart, flaw by flaw.
Riku is silent for the longest time, as if carefully formulating his answer. "Kairi, it was mutual. We both agreed on it, didn't we?"
"I mean, yeah but...you were the one to bring it up first. So technically, you dumped me."
"That's splitting hairs."
"Just...what brought it up? Something must've. I've been thinking about this a lot, and your super vague response back then about 'things changing' or whatever isn't gonna cut it."
"...you're not gonna let this go, huh?"
"No," I state resolutely. "I gotta know." Because for once in my life, even though I don't want it to, I know that this is about me.
"You might not believe me, Kairi, but I wasn't in a good mental place towards the end of our relationship." Riku shrugs. "Junior year was hell just in terms of school, and outside of that...you know what was going on."
Memories flood my mind of Riku confiding in me about family conflicts, suffocating expectations, and drowning in a sea of self-guilt. At the time, I just remember feeling so small and immature compared to his very serious problems, so I tried to change the topic and not talk about it, figuring I couldn't do anything to help. Who knows - maybe just by asking and listening, I could've.
"You shouldn't have to listen to my shit all the time. I mean, that's not what being in a relationship is about," he concludes.
"I should've," I point out. "I mean, we're friends, right? I'm supposed to be there for you on the good days and the bad. I'm sorry."
Riku smiles grimly. "No, I didn't want our whole relationship to be me talking about depressing things all the time. I still remember you were always so excited about different things going on in your life, but I just had a list of things that were wrong in mine. You deserve someone you can actually have a good time with. So, I sorta realized one day that all I did was mope and complain around you, and I wasn't actually being a good boyfriend, so I figured we should break up."
I narrow my eyes at his statement. It sounds all fine and dandy but a little too self-martyring for my tastes. "So I should've done a better job of being there for you," I conclude.
"No, that's not on you."
"Yes, that should've been on me," I insist. "You should've also not made assumptions."
"Huh?"
"Sure, I was a crap listener and absorbed in my own world a lot. But I never didn't have fun when we hung out and did stuff together. You're pretty funny when you want to be, Mr. Sarcasm-Is-My-Only-Strength."
Riku chuckles. "I forgot I used to say that."
"If it's worth anything, I firmly believe that's not your only strength."
"Thanks. That is worth something."
"Just something, huh?"
"Just what a friend would say to another, I guess."
I smile approvingly at his statement and feel relieved of a huge burden. "Well, I'm happy that we talked! Actually. Sorry for all the avoiding - don't know what I was thinking, and I won't do that anymore, I promise."
Riku chuckles. "I'm glad we talked too. I guess we have Sora to thank, huh?"
"Huh?"
"I mean, seems like he sorta set this whole thing up, right? He called me just now to get me over here. He's a good person, you know?"
"Oh, yeah…" I trail off with a nervous chuckle. Somehow, I thought he knew that Sora had asked me to talk to him, and that I did it because I like Sora...but there's no way Riku would know that.
Right?
Riku wears that strange mysterious smile of his, like he's thinking of something wildly beyond your imagination. But what could it be?
"I'm glad we're friends, Kairi," he says.
My suspicions continue running wild, but eventually I realize I'm probably just thinking myself into a hole. Riku sounds sincere, and there's no reason for me to read between the lines. If he has something to say, he's gonna have to just say it.
"I'm glad too," I respond happily.
Yeah, no way in hell that Riku knows about my crush on Sora.
Which reminds me, I still have to deal with the inconvenient truth of my big fat crush.
For better or worse, I know myself well enough that if I don't confess, I'll just let something slip at an inopportune moment and everyone will know. It's not like I'm afraid of rejections per se (dumbass 7th grade Kairi, why'd you ask Ventus to Sadie Hawkins?). And I know I'll be better once I confess, because...because…
I mean, not to brag or anything, but he must like me at least a little bit, right? I can't be completely misreading the situation here, can I? Even Naminé backed me last time we talked about this! Sora wouldn't act the way he does around me - doing morning workouts, buying coffee, hearing out my complaints - if he doesn't like me a little, right?
And the only way to know is to ask, right?
Anyways, I have a reason to meet up with him anyways: to tell him about my successful interaction with Riku. Finally, it feels like things are going smoothly for once. I'm gonna report to him about Riku, which'll make him happy, and then I'll let him know how I feel. What can go wrong?
...
Somewhere in the back of my mind is a persistent voice telling me this is a bad idea. I haven't found a flaw yet, but there is sure to be one. Because when have any of my plans every worked out in my favor? Something always goes wrong, even though I don't know what that is.
I can't trust myself, so I recruit the bestie to brainstorm with me.
"...and then I'll tell him how I feel. That's the plan. What do you think?" I ask, consulting her opinion.
She pauses, nods, and then shrugs. "Sound like a plan."
"No, I mean, what's wrong?"
"Huh? Nothing, I'm fine!" Naminé chirps quickly.
"No, I mean with my plan. What's the problem?"
"I don't think there's a problem, Kairi. It's a good plan! When're you gonna do it?"
Even Naminé has given her approval. Somehow, I can't shake the persistent feeling that I'm gonna ruin things one way or another.
Naminé seems to recognize my anxiety and rests a hand on my shoulder. "Kairi. You know what's the best part of being you?"
"Huh? Uh, everyone says my hair's a nice color..."
"Not superficial stuff. Though you do have nice hair," Naminé comments offhandedly, which makes me smile. "To me, the best part of being Kairi O'Hara is that you're never crippled by indecisiveness. Maybe it's the way you see the world, everything always seems so clear to you and you can make decisions instead of wavering with uncertainty. You make things happen instead of letting life pass you by. Sometimes you make a suboptimal decision, but that's okay, because you're able to make the choice to correct it. That's your greatest strength, Kairi - that you're really the heroine of your own story."
"...thanks, Naminé."
Naminé's pep talk...honestly she lost me in the middle. I know that between the two of us, she's always been the philosopher and likes talking in theoreticals. At least I think she was giving me a compliment?
Naminé probably senses my confusion and chuckles, patting my shoulder. "Sorry, got a little rambly. What I mean is, you've never doubted yourself. There's no reason to doubt yourself now. Go get'em!"
Ah yes, that I understand. It's what Coach tells us before each cross-country meet. It's what I tell myself before every test, even the tests I fail. Cause I gotta at least try, right?
"I'm gonna do this!" I exclaim confidently. "Thanks, Naminé!"
And because of carpe diem and all that crap, I text Sora then and there to meet up. Within a few minutes, I get a response.
Goddammit, of course something has to put a stop to my momentum! What does he mean he's "busy with tutoring?"
...I mean, probably that, that he's getting tutored or whatnot. Why does the universe have to foil my plans like this? I was so ready to tell him everything too!
Not about to let a minor inconvenience dampen my mood, I ask when he's free to meet up.
His response (which makes me wonder how he's constantly texting during tutoring?) is tomorrow after school. Okay, I can do that. That's just one more day, and I think I can keep myself pumped up till then. Just thinking of being able to tell him everything makes me so relieved. I can do this.
Tomorrow. I'm gonna tell Sora Hikari that I like him.
A/N: Whaaaaaat, an update?
Yes, an update - half a year too late, but an update nonetheless. I still think of Iridescent's Kairi from time to time and know that I want to finish telling her story. Also, by chance, I saw that this fic's 3-year anniversary is coming up and I promise I'm gonna try really hard to finish by then! Because my last multi-chaptered story also took 3 years with multiple extended hiatuses but I finished it eventually!
Now that I'm back in school (woohoo, more tests and studying and debt!), I really don't have a lot of free time to write, which honestly makes me pretty sad. Nonetheless, I've been on the other end as the reader of incomplete fics and getting upset that a story is unfinished, so even if there's one reader like that for this story, I'm determined to give a complete ending. By which I mean the next update should be the ending so we can end on a nice whole number of chapters.
Thank you soso much to everyone for your continued support! This story literally would not be possible without the thought of readers like you out there who have accompanied me on this journey. I'll have a more rambly, cheesy A/N next chapter so till then, I hope you enjoy this update! Would love to hear your thoughts in a review.