YAMI NO MATSUEI - DESCENDANTS OF DARKNESS

THE SHADOWS OF MY PAST

Chapter Fifteen - The Price and Gamble of Starting Anew

"It's not funny, Mako-san!"

"It's funny to me and anyone else who's not in your shoes," said my father figure as his laugh became heartier than ever before.

I then saw Mako-san's smirk become more of a teasing nature when he added, "Oh, and stop taking out your frustrations on the poor sake bottle. Save some for our time together tomorrow unless of course you wish to hold on to that hope of yours, Sensei."

The blood pounded in my ears. I have no clue whether it had something to do with the large amount of sake that Mako-san and I have shared for the past couple of hours or the subject matter at hand.

That subject?

It was Tsuzuki-san.

I gave Mako-san an annoyed glare. "There's no hope for him to learn how to cook! One of these days, I'll have you try his cooking without you knowing it."

Mako-san inwardly chuckled. He leaned his back against the chair and crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at me with a Cheshire Cat-like grin and a mischievous twinkle in his eye, "Do that and you'll get your behind kicked five times more often during our training. Plus, let an old man enjoy his laughs for a change. This is a rare treat, especially when one happens to be Enma's emissary."

"It is a rare treat, all right. At my expense…."

The old man smiled. "But at least you agree that you are having a good time whenever you two are together. You do like his company, don't you?"

The only response that I could give was a smile and a nod, although my vision became rather blurry from doing so. I could not explain it in words, but it was nice being around Tsuzuki-san. There was something so mesmerizing and so charismatic about this senior shinigami with the amethyst eyes that made me want to be with him as much as I could.

"I just don't understand, Seii-kun, as to why you're drinking? You make it look as if you're going to break up with him or something."

I gazed into the old man's eyes. "I'm not dating him, Mako-san. He and I are men. It's not --"

"Ah, is this what it's all about -- that it's not natural? Since when did love become so selective?"

Dismissively waving my hands as I felt my cheeks heat up more from the topic at hand, I told the old man, "Love? He and I are just friends, Mako-san. You're making too much out of it."

"Friends do love each other, don't you agree?"

Blinking for a minute and that question sinking in my mind for a second, I said, "Yes, but --"

"Is it that wrong to love a friend just because he's a male too? Fathers love their sons and that's natural. Brothers are supposed to love each other. Noble swordsmen love their lords and offer not only their loyalty but also their devotion to them. Loving someone -- no matter what or who they might be -- is natural. Love shouldn't be restricted, especially with someone who you share a bond with."

"You're talking about romantic love, Mako-san. It's just…"

I know that smile from the old man's face. He gave me that empathetic smile whenever I sighed after a debate such as this. He then told me, "Why don't you let things be just for once, Seii-kun. Stop worrying about what society's mores dictate you to do. Can't you go on with just the fact that you care for someone? Social mores dictate that you should fall in love with the opposite sex with procreation being part of the reason why. We as shinigami are dead and cannot procreate. Why do you have to focus so much if you like or are in love with a good friend?"

"We were just talking about how terrible of a cook he is and we delve into this topic." I then took another cup of sake and then added, "What does his cooking have to do with whether I care about him or not?"

"I know that you care about him because you feel that you've let him down when he couldn't learn how to cook. You care about him because you felt responsible when you saw him cry this afternoon after you scolded him. You care about him because you wouldn't spend that time making sure that he calmed down and that he was fine before you two parted ways. However, something more than that is bothering you. From the looks of it, you don't even know what it is."

Then there was a long pause of silence between Mako-san and me.

Minutes later, the old man stood up and said, "Good night, Seii-kun. There's still tomorrow, so let the sake rest for now. Good company also brings out an additional tasty flavor to the sake, so we'll do it again tomorrow evening."

"Yes, Mako-san. I won't be up for long."

The old man smiled, nodded, and kissed the crown of my head. He then walked to his room and slid his bedroom door shut.

I looked at the bottle and cup in my hand along with the two other bottles of sake that had been polished since Mako-san and I started drinking early evening. I have never consumed this much before although a shinigami's body would allow for more tolerance towards hard liquor and other vices that abuse the body.

Then I heard a knock, making me blink for a minute or two. I glanced at the wall clock which showed that it was now 8:30 in the evening. I know Mako-san would not answer the door and that he never would do so since he did his best to remain non-existent in the eyes of many.

After downing the sake in my cup, I stood up, walked towards the door, and then peeked at window. Once I saw who the knocker was, my heart raced and I hesitated for a moment as I thought, "Should I go outside or let him in?"

Once I made up my mind, I unlocked the door and went outside. I gazed into those expressive amethyst eyes which reflected worry and sadness.

"You're drunk," said Tsuzuki in a soft and calm voice, his eyes the only indicator how worried he was over what happened the entire time we were together today.

"It has nothing to do with you. Don't worry."

I then motioned Tsuzuki-san to come with me at the garden. We then shared the sole wooden bench situated in the middle of the garden.

It was quiet for many minutes…tense-filled silence. I wanted to say something to Tsuzuki-san but my words end up being choked and unuttered. I have the feeling that he was in the same boat as I have been in terms of wanting to say the right things to him.

My heart pounded rapidly. Maybe it was the drink. Yes, the drink. It had to be the sake doing all of this to me.

My heart raced more as I gazed into Tsuzuki-san's eyes. I was so drawn to them.

Although my countenance was calm and I made every non-verbal effort to put my companion at ease, I could tell from the way that Tsuzuki-san's eyes changed expression from worried to guilt-ridden how his state of mind and heart were at this time. He seemed upset about the situation and his assumed involvement.

I relaxed my guard a bit, my tone much gentler when I asked Tsuzuki-san, "What brought you here, Tsuzuki-san? Have you eaten yet? I have some grilled fish and steamed vegetables if you're hungry."

"I'm fine."

Seeing how quiet Tsuzuki-san still was, I asked another question. "Then tell me why you looked upset. Does it have something to do with putting too much rice flour in the chicken broth so you ended up making paste instead of soup?"

"Yes…and no," was Tsuzuki-san's answer. Based on the way he slurred his words, he was as drunk as I was -- maybe even more.

I fell silent. I did not wish to say anything more because my heart pounded more rapidly than it ever did before.

Then my heart clenched as I heard Tsuzuki-san add, "Will we still see each other again even though we wouldn't be working with each other anymore?"

Another pause of silence fell between us.

I looked into Tsuzuki-san's eyes and told him with honest words that came out in spite of my innate desire to keep those words buried deep within me, "We would still see each other. Just because my assignment at the Shokan Division is over --"

Tsuzuki-san met my gaze and finished my words by saying, "I was afraid that you wouldn't see me anymore after your assignment because I cause you nothing but grief. You've been so patient in teaching me how to cook and I couldn't cook the way that you do."

Smiling ruefully, I reassured my companion, "That's nonsense, Tsuzuki-san. We're friends. Why would my irritation about you not being adept in the kitchen cost us our friendship?"

Tsuzuki-san's smile along with the tears of joy beading at the corner of his eyes warmed my heart and my alcohol-ridden body, especially when he said in such a hopeful and child-like manner, "So does that mean that you'll still teach me how to cook?"

The smile escaping from my lips became warmer still. "Of course, but at a price."

Those amethyst eyes blinked, the light of joy from them dimming a bit as their owner wondered out loud, "A price?"

"Yes, a price…. One hundred thousand yen to be exact per one hour's worth of lesson -- such price subject to rise upon my discretion and would be based on the buying power of the yen. You can watch me cook and eat what I cook for free. To teach you to cook and subject me to what you cook…well, that will cost you one hundred thousand yen from now on."

Tsuzuki-san blinked more. "But.. But I thought that we're friends! Friends don't charge each other!"

"Yes, we are friends but business is business. The amount I'll be charging you pales to the things that I have to go through to teach you how to cook. Plus, the recipes I know are secrets passed on from generation to generation. I can't just divulge them and get tortured at the same time without a price."

Tsuzuki-san pouted, which made me smile. "You're so mean, Tatsumi. You know I can't afford to pay you that much money."

My smile was soft especially when I kept my gaze at Tsuzuki-san. I could not help it but the longer that we spend time together, the more endearing that he became to me. "Then that means you'll let me cook for you more often when we spend time with each other…say once a week at least?"

"You…still want to see me? Even if I got you sick so many times, you still want to be with me?"

I touched Tsuzuki-san's hand, my wish to reassure him urging me that it was the right gesture to do while accompanied with the words, "Of course I still want us to spend time together. I wouldn't have it any other way."

And it warmed and clenched my heart all at once when Tsuzuki-san affectionately tightened the hold of my hand in reciprocation to my gesture. I then told him with a gentle smile as I touched his cheek, "Come on, Tsuzuki-san. Let me walk you home."

Tsuzuki-san shook his head but then relented when I gave him a firm glare. When I realized that I was making him sad, I planted a lingering kiss on his forehead and rested my forehead against his forehead while whispering, "I can't have you stay in my place because I share the house with someone else. However, I can stay in your place and keep you company for tonight…that is if you want the company."

Soon, Tsuzuki-san and I were walking the familiar path towards his apartment. I did not realize it, but I had my hand resting behind his back most of that time.

I did not know what it was, but it warmed my heart and soul to see Tsuzuki-san smile.

I guess Mako-san was right -- maybe I do deeply care about Tsuzuki-san. But how right was he in terms of his claim that I cared for Tsuzuki-san more than a friend should care for another?

Maybe only time could tell….

--

"Where are we right now, Tatsumi? I thought that we're having dinner in Kyoto."

"You'll see," was my reply to Tsuzuki-san, a soft smile escaping from my lips.

Tsuzuki-san and I could have materialized in certain places that I wished to visit before we have dinner, but I opted to do it the old-fashioned way…walk and explore. It seemed as if an eternity had passed since I have been here, but the places were nonetheless familiar to me.

My companion and I then stood before the vast field and the two houses that were within view. The silence was there as old memories were stirred inside me, recalling loved ones sorely missed and lost opportunities to show them how much I loved them.

But then there were also memories of happiness in here…of hope…or realization…

I dug my hands in my pockets and explained to my companion, "I grew up here, Tsuzuki-san. The house before you is the house that I grew up in. The other house -- the one to our right -- was the house that my father figure lived in, which was pretty much my home away from home. This field that we're now standing on is the field that my family and Mako-san owned. This was the family's bread and butter until the day that I died…which was exactly one year ago from today."

I then pulled out matches from my pocket while the shadows lapped around my legs -- a sight that Tsuzuki had never seen before until now. Once a match had been lit, I tossed it on the pile of dry grass which lay closest to the house.

I did the same ritual for Mako-san's house.

My servant shadows did their work, fanning the flames to spread the fire as fast as they could.

Shortly thereafter, the two houses were engulfed in flames.

Tsuzuki-san and I stood there, watching the flames do their work. I closed my eyes and offered a prayer to Father, Mother, Inari, and Mako-san -- thanking the gods that I have doubted many times for giving them to me. I then thanked the gods for giving me a good friend in Tsuzuki-san and prayed that the next family who would choose to live here would have a happier and more abundant life than I had.

Once that the foundations gave in to both houses as the flames continued, I glanced at Tsuzuki-san and told him with a soft smile, "Let us go have dinner -- my treat."

I then waved my hand, opening a portal to Kyoto and with the two of us blending inconspicuously in the crowd. We made it just in time for our reservation.

Looking at my companion from time to time, I was just amazed as to how quickly times passed by. A year ago, I just met Tsuzuki-san and became good friends with him. Now, I have been working on assignments for Enma-Cho for almost a year since I finished my assignment at the Shokan Division.

Tsuzuki-san and I, however, made a promise to each other to continue our friendship. We made it a point that we see each other at least once a week. I either visited his apartment or we went to Chijou and spend the time together there.

As Tsuzuki-san and I were waiting for our food and were sharing tea, I explained to him, "What you saw back there. It was something that I have wanted to do since my arrival in Meifu. I wanted to formally close that chapter in my life and start anew."

The food finally came and Tsuzuki-san and I began sharing stories to catch up on old times. I told him about my assignments although I really could not get into specifics since the cases were confidential. He, in turn, shared with me his stories about the Shokan Division and insinuated that he was once again behind on his paperwork.

After dinner and dessert, we took a walk which led us to a nearby park with a lake and lovers' bridge. By this time, there were only a few couples there and some lone souls who choose to while the time away underneath a moonlit sky. I would not blame them in choosing such a serene venue where cherry blossoms and roses bloom in their season while their mixed fragrance along with the soft cool breeze blew and soothed the soul.

I have done much contemplation over the year that I have become a shinigami and Tsuzuki-san's friend. For a year, I have wrestled on thoughts and possibilities that I dare not go through.

But maybe…just maybe….there might be exceptions.

And so I told Tsuzuki-san, "It was nice that I wasn't alone when I did what I did today, so thank you. It means a lot to me that you're with me."

"What are friends for," said Tsuzuki-san with a smile, his amethyst eyes reflecting that smile in his face.

A smile escaped my lips as I noticed that the number of others who shared the park with us dwindled down further. My heart raced as the deepest part of me wanted to say the words that I wanted to say yet my seemingly more logical and sensible part of me did not wish to make a blunder or a fool out of me.

Nonetheless, I asked Tsuzuki-san, "Are you fancying anyone at this time, Tsuzuki-san? I mean, do you have someone in mind that you like to be with?"

I saw Tsuzuki-san blush for a little while, getting caught off-guard with the question. Seeing this prompted me to say, "I'm sorry. It's not my place to ask such personal questions."

"No, no… We're friends, remember?" said Tsuzuki-san with a gracious smile. Although he was still blushing, he replied, "I do like someone but I don't think that the person would like me as much as I do. And I'm so new at this."

"How about you, Tatsumi? Do you like anyone or did you like anyone?"

I bit my lip and took a deep breath for a little while before I answered, "I'm in the same position as you. There's just too many things to consider. There's too many things to lose in case it doesn't work out."

"If you like this person very much, why don't you take the risk and see where it leads you?" proposed Tsuzuki-san. It seemed to me that he had no clue in what he was saying. He also probably did not have a clue that as confused as I have been for a year and counting about the two of us, I did feel something for him.

The question was whether Tsuzuki-san liked me the same way as I like him.

My heart clenched from hearing that proposal coming from Tsuzuki-san. I did not know if I want my heart to sink because I feared that the person in his mind was someone else other than me. At the same time, a greater part of me pushed to go on and prod further because I might get what I secretly wished for all this time.

And a part of me was scared if I did get my wish, for it meant that I had to accept a part of me that I might not be ready to accept yet. It was true that I cared deeply for Tsuzuki-san -- more than what a friend should care for another. Yet, I have to face the fact that we were both men…that although the culture and upbringing accepted homosexual relations as acceptable and even sacred on some circles, part of me still thought that this was the defiance of social mores.

Then again, Tsuzuki-san and I were shinigami. We and the rest of our peers were meant to live for an eternity and maybe, just maybe, the definition of love and what was acceptable would be different in our situation. Maybe loving someone truly and deeply was more than enough to make it acceptable.

"Tatsumi? Are you all right?" asked Tsuzuki-san as his hand rested on my hand.

"Yes, I'm fine," I replied as I smiled back at Tsuzuki-san and touched his cheek. I could not help but smile since he was so child-like…so innocent…so pure. It warmed my heart to see him smile and be happy, especially if I could be the source of that happiness and joy.

And in that moment when the smile that escaped my lips warmed up even further, our eyes met. Those amethyst eyes knew how to read into one's innermost thoughts and deepest secrets, searing the knowledge of that realization in one's soul and branding it as known. Yet those eyes also communicated such strong and selfless emotions -- so strong that one could drown into them yet be glad to perish in doing so.

I affectionately caressed Tsuzuki-san's cheek then reassuringly held his hand, telling him, "Forgive me…."

Once I uttered those words, I closed the distance between Tsuzuki-san and me. I kissed him on the cheek and shortly thereafter, I kissed him on the lips -- taking such a great gamble that I was about to lose a good friend by being so bold in what I felt for him.

End of Chapter Fifteen

Normal Disclaimer

Yami No Matsuei (Descendants of Darkness) and its characters are copyrighted properties of Matsushita Yoko. This fan fiction and the original characters that appear within this fan fiction belong to PJ Zatken.