THE SHADOWS OF MY PAST

Chapter Twenty – Gifts

Timeline – Christmas Eve, 1951

When I started the car's ignition and was ready to leave, I saw Asato run out of that lecherous Earl's manor as quickly as his feet could take him. I drove the car as close as I could get to Asato so that he could get in and we could drive out of this forsaken hellhole.

The first fifteen minutes inside the car were grueling for me. From time to time, I entertained the idea that if the silence was torturous for me then it would be the same for Asato. However, my anger got the best of me and I simply allowed it to bore deep into my heart. My blood was still boiling. My teeth were clenched as I started our long road trip back to Asato's apartment.

In my mind's eye, I could see the Earl's imaginary lips smirking…that floating white half-mask of his bobbing up and down while hearing those perversion-driven innuendos of his all aimed at Asato. My mind began playing different scenarios of that lecher's attempts to seduce my lover.

"Seii…"

My heart and chest felt heavier when the silence between us was broken. My mind just screamed that the sooner that Asato and I get to his apartment, the better I would feel. I did not respond. I did not feel like it.

"Seii, please…"

Without removing my gaze at the road while I drove us home, I said, "What?"

It took a while before Asato replied, "Seii, please slow down. You're driving too fast."

Again, I chose not to give a reply. My mind nagged me, giving me that desire to just get to my destination as quickly as I can. The car engine's angrier roar seemed to pacify my frayed nerves.

"Please slow down," said Asato a second time, this time the words sounding more urgent than the first one. He reached out, resting his hand on my left arm.

Once Asato touched my left arm, something inside me just snapped.

And what did I do?

I slammed my foot on the brakes – hard.

The tires screeched loudly. Asato and I jerked forward and back. My blood boiled. My chest and head were heavy. All that I saw was red.

Since the car was now stopped at the side of the road, I gave Asato a long and hard look.

Asato gazed into my eyes, as if he was trying to read my thoughts. He was tightlipped, his tone laced with such vulnerability when he told me, "I'm sorry, Seii. Please forgive me…"

My eyes narrowed. I had to let out a heavy sigh, but it probably sounded more of a dismissive snort. "What for…?"

"You're angry right now, so I must've done something to anger you so much. If I did, please tell me. Please forgive me. You were driving too fast…and you were scaring me…not just the driving, but of you….."

I froze from hearing those words coming out of Asato's mouth. I could not help but look at him, getting drawn by those expressive amethyst eyes of his. Even if he had chosen not to say a word to me, those eyes of his spoke far louder and more elaborately than any of his words could convey.

Those words, those eyes... Both of them brought back memories…

Timeline (Flashback) – December27

Tatsumi Seiichiro's Sixth Birthday

"Seii, Son…. You need to learn how to calm down."

Feeling that I was not being heard, I blurted out through gritted teeth as the tears brimmed in my eyes, "Inari broke my toy, Father! You and Mother just bought it for me for my birthday and she destroyed it!"

Father looked at me and gave me a kind smile, especially when the tears flowed down my cheeks while I tightly clutched my new but now-broken wooden puppet in my left hand. He motioned me to come and sit beside him, just as he always did whenever he wanted to talk to me.

I looked at my ever-genial father. The smile that he gave me became warmer still.

"Come, Seii…. Come sit with me."

Still crying, I approached Father and sat right beside him, feeling more comforted as he gave me a one-armed hug and kissed the top of my forehead. I closed my eyes, taking in as much of that affection as I possibly could so that I would not feel so rotten.

My father and I sat on the bench located at our backyard garden for a long while, with my father not saying anything while allowing me to cry out all the tears that I could possibly shed over the destruction of a cherished birthday gift.

Soon, my tears quelled down into sniffles. It took a while before I had the heart to look at my now-broken toy without shedding a tear. My tears just made my eyes watery, most especially when I cast my gaze down on my broken toy.

In a very gentle voice, Father said to me, "Son, remember how I told you that you must pick your battles?"

I could not look at my father that time because I was too sad and at the same time too angry at my younger sister. I merely nodded, making some of the tears that I held back stream down my cheeks once more.

After letting out a subtle sigh, Father added, "I understand where you are coming from, Seii. You and I worked hard together to save up for that toy, and then Mother and I searched three marketplaces to finally buy it for you. I do hope that you understand as well that Inari did not mean to break your toy. She wanted you to share, and you would not do so. You two were trying to pry the toy away from the other, and it unfortunately broke. It was an accident. No one wished for it to happen, but it did."

"I told her to let go, and she did not. This is not the first time that it happened. She always wanted to get what is mine, and then does not take care of it."

"She is still too young to understand matters just as you do. You are her older brother. You are her example, too. You must do your best to be patient."

Father then let out a sigh, this one much heavier than the earlier one that he let out. He rubbed my arm in a consoling fashion as he explained in an even gentler tone, "As I said before, Son, you must choose your battles. Not all battles need to be fought. Sometimes, forgiveness and patience are your best allies. To those who you love and care about, to those important to you, forgiveness and patience are the best gifts that you can give them. Do you understand what I am trying to tell you, Seii?"

I nodded once more. This time, Father's words sank deeper into my heart and mind. I then looked up to him, his eyes meeting mine. I gave him another nod, and then tried my best to return the smiles that he so generously showered me with during our talk.

My father empathetically smiled at me. "Whenever you feel the need to explode, Son, slowly count from one to ten. After that, count down from ten to one. Keep repeating that until you calm down. Do everything that you can to calm down. Once you are calm, decide on whether the battle should be pursued or not. Sometimes, you must stand your ground as fierce as a lion would to protect her cubs. Other times, you must approach matters with patience and diplomacy. There will also be times wherein you must simply walk away because either the heart of the matter is inconsequential, or the consequences of taking on that battle do not bring forth benefits for the greater good."

When Father fell quiet, I looked up to him. He did not say anything for a while. It was as if he was gauging as to how much of his words of advice had finally placated my anger.

As Father's eyes met mine once more, he added, "And for those you love and cherish, be patient and forgiving even though you feel that you have been the aggrieved party. Once you have calmed down, talk to that person. Let him or her understand what is going on inside you. Let them know that as much as you are going through not-so-good feelings, those will pass. When you do so, oftentimes you will realize that you have also made mistakes. When that happens, you owe that person an apology to say the least. Love, forgiveness, understanding, and patience will always be welcomed gifts to those who you cherish. Remember these words, Son. Remember them well."

End of Flashback

That memory… It was the last Christmas and the last birthday that I have spent with my father. I have always acknowledged my father for being the wise, graceful, and humble man that he was. That day…that memory…carried so many kernels of wisdom.

And how quickly did I forget…. My jaw hurt for some unknown reason, and I suddenly felt so tired...beaten...

Recalling the past and my most recent actions, I shuddered and gazed into the eyes of the one who sat next to me in the car. The very person who sat beside me was Tsuzuki Asato. He was my best friend, confidante, and lover.

Since the facts that now echoed inside my head were all true, then what was I doing? What did I just do to honor that bond between Asato and me?

As I calmed down had my better nature hopefully take rein of my mind and emotions, I felt ashamed. The past had just reminded me that I was acting no better than a six-year-old child before receiving a kind father's wise counsel.

Looking at Asato with a fresh set of eyes, it dawned upon me as to how much of a jerk I have become towards the one who I claim to love with all that I was. If he was one of the most precious people in my life, if not the most precious one, he certainly deserved the best of me. At the same time, I also admit that I could not help but acknowledge the feelings and thoughts that have coursed inside my head and drove me to temporary insanity.

Here was Asato, the very one who I aggrieved, with all humility asking me forgiveness for something that I was solely responsible for – my emotions running amuck. I could see through his eyes as to how much he believed that he was the one who caused my anger. I could also see how truthful he was that my reckless behavior scared him…that I scared him.

Love, forgiveness, understanding, and patience... I should've given it to Asato. He more than deserved it from me, and yet what did I do?

Asato's eyes…. Those expressive amethyst eyes…. They were one of the very first things that drew me towards him. They served as mirrors or deep pools of clear water that gave others a peek into the deepest part of his soul, expressing everything in such volumes and depth that no words could fully convey. Yet in all the transparency and innocence that he had, one could find himself lost in trying to unlock the mystery that was Tsuzuki Asato.

As lost as I was whenever I looked deep into my lover's amethyst eyes, I have known since Day One that there were never any signs of deceit in his ways.

It took me a long while before I managed the heaviness inside me. I then told him, "I'm very sorry for scaring you. I'm the one who should be apologizing, not you. Could…"

I had to pause for a couple of seconds before I could add, "Could we just rest here for a couple of minutes…just to close my eyes until I calm down?"

Asato, still looking very much concerned, nodded.

Still very much ashamed for what I have just done, my left hand reached out for Asato's right hand. I rested my body against my seat and closed my eyes. I clasped my lover's hand as I did all the mental exercises that I could to quell down the rest of my raging temper.

All throughout that time, Asato did not say a word. Judging from the soft noises coming from his direction, he chose to do the same thing that I was doing.

As the pangs of guilt nipped the innermost core of my being, I tightened my hold of Asato's hand. During times such as this very moment, how I wished that I have my father's gift of being able to convey his emotions through a simple gesture such as a mere touch.

It made me feel a little better when Asato reciprocated by affectionately squeezing my hand as well. I hope and prayed that I would be given more wisdom and discernment so that I would not hurt those who I love ever again.

When I finally calmed down, I opened my eyes. I glanced down at my watch and noticed that at least a good hour had already passed since I stopped the car at the side of the road. I then gazed sideways, noticing that Asato had dozed off in his seat.

"I'm very sorry, Love. I've been very stupid. I will make it up to you when we get home. I promise," I thought as I watched him in this peaceful state for a couple of minutes. Being careful to not wake him up, I slipped my hand free from his, started the car, and then drove to our destination.

Upon reaching our destination, Asato stirred from his nap and tried to stifle his yawn. Afterwards, he asked, "Where are we?"

My tightlipped reply was, "We're home…."

Asato gave me a nod, avoiding my gaze.

I let out a subtle sigh. My chest still felt heavy, but now due to completely different reasons. I cupped Asato's cheeks with my hands, leaning closer to him and planting a long lingering kiss on those lips of his.

Pain and joy mingled in my heart when Asato reciprocated that kiss. It felt as if he poured all the gentleness that he had within him through the kiss that he and I now shared. The kiss between us became more explorative, communicative, and passionate to say the least.

I drew away from Asato. I loved him very much, and the fact remained that I hurt him through my words and actions. And so I mumbled the words, "I was the one at fault, not you. Please forgive me, Love."

In between my words of apology, a teary-eyed Asato gave me a soft smile. "Let us just go inside, enjoy your birthday…our holiday together…."

Shortly after Asato and I entered the apartment, he initiated a long and lingering kiss between us while he locked the door. One thing led to another and soon, he and I found our way out of our clothes, into his bedroom, and eventually in his bed.

Each thrust… Each kiss… Each touch…. Every action from my part was myway of expressing those pent-up emotions locked deep within me. I have never realized until now just how vulnerable I was whenever it had anything to do with Asato. I have also just realized that I would not have it any other way, either.

I needed Asato, wanted him, yearned for him more now than ever before…those emotions fueled more from thinking about that invisible lecher…those emotions being communicated once more as I claimed my lover as mine and mine alone.

At the same time, there was a voice that echoed in the recesses of my mind and warmed my heart. The voice reminded me in so many different levels about how I should be treating and cherishing the one who I now made love to and how I was fully capable of committing gross acts of stupidity and callousness towards him.

And in spite of all my shortcomings, here was Asato reciprocating every thrust, kiss, and touch that came from me – as rough or as gentle as each one came – with passionate ones of his own. Without the need for words, he expressed with such innocent vulnerability as to how much he loved me…believed in me, in us….

When the clock chimed to announce that it was now midnight, Asato whispered in my ear, "Merry Christmas, Seii. I love you very much."

I could not help but become teary-eyed. I smiled at Asato and replied, "I love you, too, Asato. Merry Christmas…."

In turn, Asato held my hand and gave me the warmest of smiles. At that moment, I felt that my guilt over what happened hours ago had been mostly lifted…a smile that pretty much said that I was forgiven for being such a jerk.

I hardly said the words "I love you" to anyone. I could count from the five fingers in one hand as to how many people I have said those words to. It was only just now that I have realized that lately, I have said those words more often than I ever had during the time that I was still alive…still human.

And there was the irony… I became more of a human being when I lost my humanity. I just learned how selfish and destructive I could possibly be – all while I also acknowledged that I still had at least some hope left within me…that I was still capable of experiencing all these spectrum of emotions.

Including love…. Most especially love….

I could finally say "I love you" without feeling this heavy burden in my heart or this lump in my throat. Being able to do so…being able to acknowledge how vulnerable and selfish I could possibly be… It was both scary and liberating.

All of it was a gift…. The gift of being able to distinguish… The gift of having loved ones around me who remind me that I was loved no matter if I was at my worst or my best…. The gift of knowing that in spite of all the trials that I have been through, I was still capable of being human…of being able to love and to love back.

As my lover and I resumed our night together, I could not help but think as to how blessed I was for having pieces of Heaven in a forsaken place such as Meifu…that love and forgiveness could exist in such a cursed place. Was it not this writer…the one named John Milton…who said something to the effect that the mind can make a Heaven of Hell or a Hell of Heaven?

The one in my arms served as my anchor when I needed grounding and my mirror when I needed to take a long, hard look into my soul. He was a blessing…a gift…. I pray earnestly that I would be able to do at least half of the things that he had done for me.

Yet for some reason, part of me knew that beneath Asato's smile and transparent child-like innocence was this deep-rooted sadness that even he himself could not fathom. How I wish and pray that the One above who watched over every existing being would be able to give me the strength and selflessness needed so that I could bring that piece of Heaven for the ones I love…particularly Asato.

Maybe that was the true meaning that the Christmas season held – a semblance of peace and the all-encompassing love given even to the greatest of sinners. I wish that the peace offered by the Christmas season would envelop all in Chijou, Meifu, and even Makai. I wish that the peace would go on forever.

And in turn, I wish that I would be able to give Asato that peace that I feel that he had been seeking for himself. I did not know as to what burdens he carried deep inside him, but I wish that I would be able to be as selfless as he had always been with me so that he could finally be where I think he would like to be….

Happy, and at peace….

Happiness and peace… Those would be the gifts that I wish to give Asato, not just for Christmas but everyday. And if I could not give it to him now then I should and would do my best everyday until I could give it to him…

To never stop until that deep-rooted sadness would be eased by happiness and peace that I could give him….

End of Chapter Twenty

Normal Disclaimer

I do not own Yami no Matsuei and its lovable characters. However, I do own this fic and other original characters.