YAMI NO MATSUEI
THE SHADOWS OF MY PAST
Chapter Twenty-Three – Heart-Wrenching Fruition
Warning and note about this chapter
This chapter has lemons. Be warned.
This particular chapter attempts to touch such a sensitive point on the Tatsumi-Tsuzuki relationship. Please consider this chapter, and this fic, as my interpretation on what would cause such a relationship shared between the two of them not work even though the two of them did love each other very much.
Let me know what you think!
To the Reader
For those who are not familiar with Yami no Matsuei (YNM) or Descendants of Darkness, this anime/manga series is shounen-ai (guy/guy relationships or suggestions of such). This entire fan fiction has a PG-13 rating due to its content and keeping in line with how the actual anime and manga are rated.
Timeline of this fanfic
Little is known of Tatsumi Seiichiro's past – not just to us fans, but also to his fellow YnM characters.
Using the pieces of information provided by YnM's mangaka as well as my imagination, this fic is my attempt to fill in those many "holes" about his past. This fic is also my interpretation on why he is the person that we know, love, and fawn over as YnM fans.
By the way, the timeline for this fic is after the Gensoukai story arc. Since Gensoukai is still pending, I'm going to take the position that the Gensoukai arc is over, Hisoka succeeds in getting the powerful dragon shikigami, Tatsumi and Tsuzuki - even though they are in more comfortable terms now – still have unresolved differences from Tatsumi's prior dumping of Tsuzuki, and Tatsumi and Watari's relationship becomes deeper and more intimate.
Readers who have been following this story will find this chapter to be a rather abrupt turn from the pace that it had been enjoying. There is a rhyme and reason for this, so please have patience. Secondly, one may notice that some of the names in this chapter sound familiar. Yes, their names appeared in Kyoto Files Revisited (KFR), Apocalypse Rising (AR) and Ragnarok Descends (RD) – three other Yami no Matsuei fanfics that I have been working on.
There is another TatWari fanfic in my inventory – The Beginning of a Beautiful Relationship…or Not (BBR) – which shows how Tatsumi and Watari became an item before the events told in Chapter One of this fic. This fic also might have references trailing back to 3
One does not need to read KFR, AR, or RD to understand what is going on in this fic since this fic stands alone. For avid readers of KFR, AR, and RD, I strongly believe that the "continuity" between the three fics and this one that you are about to read is a nice treat.
Additionally, one does not need to read BBR to understand this fic, but readers would be able to see, empathize, and appreciate the reasons which led Tatsumi to travel back to his past and relive the pain – and the major part of those reasons have to do with Watari and Tatsumi's desire to make their relationship work and last.
Happy reading, Happy New Year, and thank you so much for your patience in waiting very long for this story update.
Disclaimer
By the way, I do not own Yami no Matsuei and its lovable characters. However, I do own this fic, Asukawa Mako, Chief Satori and other original characters.
Please sit back and enjoy reading. I hope that you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing this and the fics that I have been writing.
Timeline: December 27, 1951 (Tatsumi Seiichiro's 32nd Birthday)
Location: Holy Innocents Academy
Takeda Ryosuke
Itou Daisuke
Tanaka Koji
Fujikawa Seimei
Kouya Isa
Cause of death – Pending
Date of death – December 27, 1951
Status of Souls – Pending
I corporealized in Chijou and ran as fast as my feet could take me to where my senses drew me. I ran towards the direction of the grass-green cliffs where the clear blue sky melded with the bluish-green sea. The venue, which normally blanketed me with a sense of tranquility, now miserably failed in easing the frantic hammering of my heart, nor did it stop me from fervently praying for Heaven in providing any assistance to use me as a vessel.
Behind me was Holy Innocents Church – the parish church that resided inside the academy. The sound of angelic voices and the accompaniment of a grand piano harmonized and floated through the air…eventually blending with the wintery breeze. The young owners of those voices along with the master sitting behind the piano continued their rehearsal.
It must be that precious hour left before mass officially started….
Five souls were now at stake. If Heaven could lend me strength in saving even one out of the five souls tonight, I would be eternally grateful. If Heaven could lend me even more strength in saving even one out of five lives tonight, then all the better.
I saw a figure standing a few feet from the cliff. Her demeanor as she stood by the cliffs was one who was taking solace and surrendering to the beauty that nature had to offer before her – there was no hint of despondence or danger, and the aura that soaked our surroundings was light.
For some reason, my mind's eye was playing tricks on me once more…or maybe the worry that I have over Mako-san and Kouya Isa along with the longing in my heart for loved ones were making the illusion possible. I knew that Isa was the one who now stood before me, yet I was seeing my younger sister Inari in her place.
That warm, beaming smile…
The light aura that she radiated before that rotten politician Ishino debased and made her his mistress…
The sibling love and care that seemed to be laced in her words and soft tone...
That essence of kindness and goodwill that emanated from within her before the days of darkness descended which led her to leave family and home to embrace shame…
Family…. My little sister made her own sacrifices for the sake of family – her sacrifice being a different brand than the one that I took on after Father's untimely death.
Family…. The same could be said of Isa, who unconditionally chose to devote her life to be the sole breadwinner of her family while warming the hearts of those who lived with her at home. Too many people at home not only depend on the wages she took home, but also felt the warmth and hope brought upon by her presence. She was both the pillar and the light of her home, and she was a guiding hand to the students here at Holy Innocents Academy.
I could not help but let out a heavy sigh as the word family echoed in my head, having the weight of the word and its multi-faceted meaning sink in my heart and bury itself into the innermost core of my being. In Isa, I see what could have been if the tragedies have not befallen my family.
I always believed that if given opportunity, everyone would love to become exorbitantly rich. However, if I was given a choice between insane wealth versus the priceless matters of the heart that money could never buy, I would always wish for a peaceful and happy existence with loved ones compared to a state of wealth marked by a lonely life.
Knowing my sister Inari, she shared the same value system as I did. And undoubtedly, Isa lived by the same principles…
By the gods, I have been missing Inari…and I was thanking Heaven as we speak for keeping Isa safe and for bringing me here in time to keep her safe in case anything should happen.
I am here right now with Isa. I might have failed Inari in the past for innumerable reasons, but I would not fail this time with Isa. I would give it my all...no matter what would happen…
By the Heavens, thank you for not letting me fail again. Thank you for hearing my prayers.
For a fraction of seconds, my heart lightened up and I kept my eyes on Isa. I took in much-needed air and filled my lungs, squatting and resting my hands on my knees while I allowed the pounding of my heart to subside. In between breaths, I called out, "Isa-chan…. What are you doing out here?"
Kouya Isa quietly turned and faced me, her customary warm and friendly smile lighting up her eyes and face. "Ah, Sempai… I'm just admiring this view. It's always breath-taking here…but today out of all days, it somehow outdid itself. But why are you here? Mass is about to start. Are you here to attend daily mass, too?"
I stood about 15 feet from Isa and stayed in my spot. With a nod and a warm smile of my own laced with relief that all seemed well, I gave her a white lie through my reply, "Yes. I'm not Catholic, but I wanted to pass by here and give thanks for another year."
"Another year…?"
"It's my birthday today," I told Isa, my hand instinctively reaching out to straighten my glasses.
"Happy Birthday, Sempai! We definitely should thank God for another year!" This time, even Isa's eyes lit up even more as her smile became warmer. "After mass, if you're free, why don't you and I go have some coffee and cake? Let's have Tsuzuki-san join us, too. The more, the merrier!"
Normally, I would have a suspicious stance whenever someone would invite me to go somewhere as seemingly harmless as having a cup of coffee together at a café. However, I did not feel the need to place that protective wall with Isa. For me, she was transparent and kind-hearted that it seemed that she wore those as badges of honor for all to see and feel. My heart warmed even further when she expanded her invitation to include Asato.
However, everything changed in a matter of seconds….
Isa and I turned our heads, both of us looking towards the church when we heard the joined screams of children and adults along with rumbling sounds…my eyes fixed and heart clenched as I saw part of the church crumble from its foundations before my very eyes. My blood froze from the sight of screaming people getting mixed in with debris and falling three to four stories from the ground.
I could hear Isa's gasps and screams from behind over the tragedy unfolding before us, but the additional seconds steered the events…taking it to another unexpected turn….
Just as I turned my back to look at Isa, she was no longer smiling or standing 15 feet from me. As for me, my heart was not relaxing…my mind was not reminiscing memories from the past…my being was not thanking the gods.
Everything stopped in that very moment…. I was too shocked to notice that at the same time that I ran, there were others who heard Isa's scream as well…but because I was the closest one, I was the one who was the most accessible to help while the others served as witnesses and would assist when the opportunity presented itself.
All my focus, energies, wishes, desires, and hopes… All of them and much more were poured into one thing – to save Kouya Isa's life.
There was Isa, now hanging over the cliff. Below her were the jagged rocks and the still-beautiful yet deadly sea, depending on the situation. Her eyes which earlier had a smile were now filled with tears of terror which continued to stream down her cheeks. Her voice cracked as she continued to beg for salvation, her body shook as her left hand held on to that last thread of hope – my hand.
In-between Isa's cries of calling me "Sempai" and "Tatsumi-san," I did my very best to compose myself as I told her, "Isa-chan… I have your hand. I will never let you go. Now carefully bring up your right hand and hold my hand. I'll pull you up."
My free left hand and arm waited for her right hand. My right was feeling the painful sprain that it sustained even more for each passing second. As much as I appreciated that others were there, all of them willing to offer help and support of any means, their presence was a hindrance. I would not be able to use my powers as a kagetsukai or a shingami. I have to save Isa through sheer human strength and the abilities given to me while I was mortal.
I am not giving up. No matter what happens, I will not give up!
The sweat mixed with my tears as I begged her, "Please, Isa-chan… Keep looking at me."
When I saw that small glimmer of hope light up Isa's eyes, the sight alone lit up the much-needed hope in my pounding heart…prompting me to say as the tears continued to flow from me, "That's it, Isa-chan! There you go! I got you!"
Finally – I have Isa's hand!
Isa… I saw that smile of hers beam brighter as the tears flowed more freely, tears of hope and gratitude welling up inside her and overflowing in such abundance that no receptacle could contain it all…no dam could hold back its waters….
Our eyes met, and once again I found myself thanking the gods for everything… The others around us offered their respective helping hands, and soon Isa's safety was near-guaranteed. We, together, now have a hold of the upper half of her body and were working together to save her.
And then just when hope welled within Isa and me, Isa let out a loud scream. The terror in her eyes not only returned but it became worse, with her repeating, "Something's pulling me back! Please!"
All of us who were holding Isa's hand and arm felt as if there was something…someone…yanking Isa downward. This feeling just confirmed her terror-stricken words.
One by one, the hands that helped Isa up had lessened. My eyes went wide when I heard yells from those who were helping Isa and me, my sight resting on their injured hands and forearms which were suddenly deeply cut and heavily bleeding due to an unseen assailant.
Back to where it all started, I was once again the only one left to hold Isa's hand. This time, the yanking becoming even worse while my desire to fight back through saving the very one whose hand I now clutched grew even stronger.
My body shook, most especially my already-injured right arm, as I felt and saw deep cuts form on my right hand and forearm. Blood flowed down from my wounds, making my hand slick in its hold. I instinctively freed my left arm from one helper, using it to join the waning effort because of my right arm's growing injury.
With my eyes locked on Isa, her arm and face crimsoned from the blood flowing from my wounds, I told her, "Please hold on, Isa-chan! Don't give up!"
The more that I fought to save Isa, the more that my arms were injured... My left arm now suffered a barrage of assaults from the unseen assailant through cuts, blunt trauma, and twisting – all while my right continued to receive more lacerations. I wanted to close my eyes, feeling that my control over my errand shadows was slowly but surely slipping. At the same time, I was deathly afraid to close or blink my eyes thinking that every given second could mean life or death for Kouya Isa.
Everything came to an end, though. A crucial hit to both my left and right hands and arms, along with a violent yank on Isa's leg…the last ounce of strength that my sprained right arm could give had finally leached out…that last sinew now broken under the strain.
My mind, no longer logical at this stage, called out to my errand shadows. At the same time, I reached deep within to access the powers given to me as a shinigami. My heart and soul were stupefied because none of my unearthly abilities were accessible.
And then my eyes were now forced to see everything…
Isa's beautiful, kind face marred by the terror in her eyes and smears of blood on her skin…
Her bloodied arms flinging helplessly in the air, trying to hold on to that last thread of hope that was not there any longer…
Her screams and my cries mixing into the air, echoing for all to hear…
My hands reaching out for hers, my mind failing to register and accept that I was powerless…that no amount of hope, wishes, or prayers could or would change the inevitable…
Her small body violently hitting against the jagged rocks, her now-lifeless and mangled body such a striking contrast against the dark rocks and wet sand down below….
My eyes glued to every scene from start to finish, my body shaking from the core of my being…the seconds' worth of silence now broken as I let out a series of yells and sobs, with every muscle and bone of my body trembling…
Everything became a blur after those screams. My mind went blank…
I miserably failed in saving Inari and my mother. Now, history repeated itself…with me having miserably failed in saving Kouya Isa.
I do not understand….
Why? Did I not pray for Isa to be saved? Why? If I was such a sinner and it was my life and soul in the line, I would understand the unanswered prayer. What I did not understand was why was such a kind soul taken so violently? Did you gods punish me through her?
Why, oh gods above…? Please help me understand…. Please tell me why all of this had to come to pass…
I beg you all watching down from Heaven upon all that had just come to pass…please help me understand… Why did Kouya Isa and the many others had to die?
Timeline: December 27, 1951 (Tatsumi Seiichiro's 32nd Birthday)
Location: Asukawa Mako and Tatsumi Seiichiro's home
I lost count on how much time had passed, how many people I have talked, how many things I have done, and how many places I have been since Isa's hold slipped from my hand. I stopped counting hours and bodies as all of us at the academy worked together with emergency personnel in salvaging the dead and securing the injured for hospitalization from the church rubble. The last of the emergency efforts entailed securing Isa's broken body for transporting.
After emergency and public safety personnel finished conducting on-site interviews to all of us who were witness to the events, school administration gathered staff that were present and solicited assistance in informing the families of the injured and dead.
My mind had been in a perpetual haze, with the sight of her mangled and lifeless body lying on the jagged rocks still very much ingrained in my memory. I was the consoled by those who were witness to the incident, for I was the one who tried so hard yet failed in the end to save her. I also stepped in the role of the harbinger of tragic news in behalf of the school, being the one directly sent by Holy Innocent Academy's principal to speak with Isa's family about their daughter's death.
It broke my heart to see Isa's family members respectively cry in sadness over Isa's death.
Isa's many nieces and nephews – especially three of them who were already orphaned and had Isa as their legal guardian – hugged each other as they wept. The older ones putting up a brave front to serve as pillars of strength for the younger ones even though their own hearts were crumbling. The younger ones cried out and murmured their questions on why their dear young aunt had been taken from them in such a fashion and so untimely…with Christmas just barely passed.
Isa's mother, a long-time widow, wept quietly…her sickly body shaking in sadness and disbelief. She clung on to me, in which I was more than willing to provide solace since I needed it as well. I closed my eyes as I held the old woman in my arms, opening up my heart and stepping in the role of a son who needed to be the pillar of strength for his mother in such a tragic time. It was a role that although it had happened long ago, the feelings and the sensations still fresh inside my mind and heart.
So much uncertainty had now landed on Isa's household now that she and the income that she would regularly take home were now gone due to her death. Yet, I could see and feel that none of them gave weight to the financial lost brought upon by this tragedy…a fact that broke my heart even more because each of them valued and loved Isa and each member of their home for their true worth. No one could and should place monetary or measurable worth when it comes to a person's existence, or a person's impact in the lives of those she touched…moved…or inspired…
Please forgive me, Isa… Please forgive me, Mrs. Kouya… All of you are now suffering my past fate because I failed both of you….
Eventually, my feet led me home after all that I had to do. The five hours that I was gone from home and away from Asato seemed like a grueling eternity, and I was sapped out in all sense of the word.
It was half-past noon when my feet brought me home, my mind still filled wit this morning's many events and the tears that followed from the man people who have lost loved ones or were now watching over their injured family members.
When I entered the home that I shared with Mako-san, Kacho and Asato stirred…both of them standing up, eyes fixed on me.
"Tatsumi," murmured Kacho.
With my mind still drawing a blank, I arbitrarily asked, "Is Mako-san home?"
Seeing Kacho and Asato shake their heads made my heart sink even further.
I let my body plunk on the couch. My knees gave in from exhaustion, hopelessness, feelings of loss, and heart-gripping worry. So many thoughts and feelings were bombarding me. One set seemed like an overflow of lava bubbling and waiting to erupt. Another set seemed like a torrential waterfall of arrows striking me down and burying themselves deep down in the pit of my heart and stomach.
I closed my eyes, unable to hold back my tears. I felt as if I lost my younger sister all over again. I relived the failure of consoling my mother's grief when my younger sister died when I hugged Isa's grieving mother.
And now, Mako-san…the man who had been a grandfather, father, and mentor to me all these years…was still missing. Where could Mako-san be? How come he had not returned home yet?
To add to my today's many failures, my mind replayed what my eyes have seen as I visited the Hall of Candles and reviewed the kiseki…
Takeda Ryosuke
Itou Daisuke
Tanaka Koji
Fujikawa Seimei
Cause of death – Multiple fatal injuries sustained due to falling debris, non-accidental
Date of death – December 27, 1951
Status of Souls – Missing
Kouya Isa
Cause of death – Multiple fatal injuries sustained due to fall, non-accidental
Date of death – December 27, 1951
Status of Soul – Missing
After a long period of silence, I told my companions about today's events as well as my discovery that five souls were now missing. I kept my eyes closed, with my head now throbbing and aching along with other parts of my body – most especially my forearms, hands, and shoulders.
I heard Kacho let out a heavy sigh and movement coming from his direction. "Tatsumi, I'll return to Enma-Cho and see if I can get any more clues on Mako's whereabouts. Tsuzuki, keep him company. I'll call later on tonight to see how you two are doing, or if I hear anything about Mako…whichever comes first."
Opening my eyes, I straightened up from my seated position and looked at my visitor who now approached me. "Thank you, Kacho."
"Mako's a tough nut, Tatsumi. I wouldn't be surprised if he'll just walk in the door at any given moment from a mission. Let's just continue praying for his safe return, all right? With your birthday being today, he'll move heaven and earth to come home today out of all days if he could" said Kacho with a comforting fatherly smile.
"You're right…" I replied to Kacho in a near-whisper, the tears pooling once more at the corners of my eyes. I allowed that dying ember of hope within me to light up once more for the one who I have upheld all these years as my father, friend, and mentor…once again begging the gods for them to protect Mako-san so that he could come home.
Mako-san was the only family that I have left. On figurative bended knees, I asked forgiveness from the gods for my selfishness. I apologized and kept asking them to take my plea as one coming from a child…with that child requesting for his father to return home safe and sound.
When Kacho left, Asato sat beside me on the loveseat and rested his hand on my back. His expressive amethyst eyes kept their gaze on me, with me feeling their depths as well as their ability to strip my heart and soul bare for him to see.
And this gesture of concern and unconditional love coming from my lover was both much-needed yet frightening. I did not know what to say, what to do, how to truly take the gesture or whether I could properly reciprocate it.
I was crumbling, scared, and worried. If I could use one word to describe exactly how I felt this very moment, that word would be "raw." That alone, I knew. I did not know anything beyond that, most especially since Mako-san's whereabouts remained unknown.
"Seii, let me help you get changed. I'll clean your wounds," said Asato in the gentlest of tones.
I closed my eyes once more, doing my best not to shed a tear while putting up a composed front for Asato's sake as well as mine. I was thankful that what he was now giving me was the gift of empathy…not baseless pity just as most people would normally do in such a given situation.
With my raw heart and soul being touched by the gesture, my entire being ached and screamed for some release…the tears now pooling at the corner of my eyes threatened to stream down my cheeks at any given moment.
I needed to shake off all these thoughts, worries, and guilt.
I needed to be cleaned from all of these heart-crushing feelings.
I needed to hide, and at the same time be gracious in accepting the gesture now extended to me.
And so I told Asato, "Need a shower…wash off the blood and the scent …. Come join me, please…"
"Of course…" was my lover's reply.
It hurt and gratified me at the same time as my raw state of being soaked in the warmth and love veiled in his words. I stood up, offering my wounded left hand which he gently took and carefully held…the two of us walking in the bathroom.
Once we stood by the bathroom door, Asato said, "I'll get us some towels and prepare a change of clothes…pajamas –"
As my reply, I gave Asato a small smile. Before he finished what he had to say, I let his words fade into a kiss that I initiated and the two of us now shared. I felt as if I was about to melt, my mind and entire being so lost in that kiss while I thought, "Take me away from this…. Even just for today…. Please…"
Asato eventually pulled away from the kiss, a mark of regret expressed in his eyes. "Give me a few minutes. You could either wait for me here, or get a small head-start in the shower. I'll join you very shortly. I promise."
I planted another kiss, this time a much-shorter one. I gave him a nod. "I'll wash off, but will wait for you in the shower."
The hot water coming from the shower was welcomed. My eyes spotted that the clear waters that hit my body and now traveled down the drain was crimson for a while. It was proof that my injuries were not just contained in my arms and hands. I was unaware that even my back and my legs were not spared, either. I then closed my eyes once more, allowing my mind and heart to find rest from the shower while I washed off the shampoo from my hair.
After hearing the shower door momentarily open and close, I winced as a hand gently touched my back. I took in a deep breath, with me now realizing that Asato's touch made me fully aware that my body was still shaking…my heart still pounding like a jackhammer since the incident.
Asato's touch also made me realize one more thing – everything felt surreal due to the incident…so surreal that finally being touched by the one I loved the most and had loved me back for who I was in return made my entire being shake from its very foundations.
I longed for it… Craved for it… The one person who gave me the most strength was also my greatest weakness, and I would not have it any other way.
I kept my eyes closed, allowing Asato to take care of me in the shower. As he stood behind me, I felt his right hand on my injured arm while his left hand gently soaped my body…his touch being extra careful as his soapy left hand went over cuts, bumps, bruises, and parts that might have been sprained.
For me, it felt as if it had been far too long since Asato and I had such intimate moments even though we had spent the last three days together in each other's arms.
My heart was almost breaking from both joy and sadness filling my soul. I could not help but wish to release their feelings…these feelings of mine now being communicated in the subsequent lingering, passion-filled kisses that Asato and I now shared. As much as it shook the core of my being, I allowed my raw mental and emotional state to be drawn closer by the other…letting myself be exposed and explored bare under the gentle hands of Tsuzuki Asato.
Asato's touch was gentle but I could not say the same thing about mine. The touches that I gave my lover were rough, hungry, urgent…needy….
"I'm….sorry…." I whispered in Asato's ear in between kisses and nips on his neck, my voice choking a bit from curbing my lust.
My lover gazed into my eyes and then before he captured my lips to reciprocate, he replied, "Don't stop. Just let go."
I drew my lover closer to me, those words of his releasing me and allowing my baser needs to surface. My heart became bolder as I felt him keep up with my wants by letting his have free reign as well. My heart pleasurably drowned in our shared kisses. My mind and heart and mind felt such a collision, my entire being feeling consumed through our kisses and touches.
One of my hands drew Asato closer to me while our kisses continued. I wanted all of him, and the more that I have of him the more that I craved. I took in a deep breath, my fingers carding through his brown hair. Our lips parted for a second, only to delve in again with my tongue probing into his mouth.
My lust further consumed me knowing that I lit up the flames inside my lover as well. My heart continued to ache, not just because of what happened today or due to my desire to forget. My heart clenched and my soul thirsted for validation…assurance that I was not alone, that I was needed, and that I was loved – flaws and all.
Our moans echoed inside the bathroom as the shower continued to run over our heads…
Soon, Asato and I ended up in bed after hurriedly toweling each other dry. Our hands continued their intimate roaming and exploration of each other's bodies, with fingers ghosting over sensitive parts….the shared kisses between us more ravenous now compared to how we started in the shower.
As if there was no tomorrow, I touched…kissed…explored my lover with wild abandon. I drowned myself in him. I did my best to show him in so many ways how much I love him. I wanted to hide from him, but I think that I could not do so because I was too afraid.
Yet Asato and I made love. I took in deep breaths, taking in not just his scent but also the pure feelings and expressions of love and affection coming from him. By the gods, I love him so much that every time that I faced my feelings for him and how much I treasured him, I could not help but feel so blessed and so humbled...that in spite of all the darkness and sin that I have soaked myself in, there was someone who accepted and loved me for who I truly was.
I was so afraid that I would fail him…and because of such failure, I was bound to lose him and the love that the two of us shared. I could not protect those I love with my two hands – as a human, as a shinigami, and as a shadow master.
That fear of mine translated into sheer frustration and agony, all of it translating and being expressed through every touch, kiss, nip, suckle, and thrust…the lovemaking repeated and lasting as the hours ticked away. And because I welcomed him...provoked him...to have his way with me as well, I also felt release when he allowed his passions to get the best of him - his nails digging in my back especially when my thrusts went deeper, those moans and whispers of approval echoing in the bedroom, and the movements becoming more greedy and urgent.
While my unconditionally loving partner allowed me full license of his body and the bedroom, I found the hollowness of my raw heart being filled yet being immediately siphoned out. The moment that the awareness dawned upon me, fear struck deeper within me.
And the more that I became afraid, the deeper that the fear bore and buried inside me. It became a race for me - a race against myself.
The deeper the fear went inside me, the bolder and more immediate I wanted those carnal needs and my heart's emptiness be filled to the rim – never allowing a second so that I would not be swallowed whole by my own destructive feelings.
End of Chapter Twenty-Three