A/N- Warning… this is the LAST CHAPTER that actually takes place in the woods. (HALLELUJAH!) That being said, this is probably the most depressing chapter in my entire story which is saying a lot. It's the finale of the actual plane crash itself, and of course it has to be super dramatic. To be safe, I am going to rate this specific chapter "M" because things do get a bit gory etc. Um… enjoy and please take comfort in the fact that RESCUE IS COMING. (Sorry for the *SPOILER* but I mean… I'm guessing you knew that was coming eventually.)
When Meredith was eighteen, she had sworn to herself three things: she was never going to get married, she was never going to become a surgeon, and she definitely was never going to be a mother because she knew that she would be a horrible one.
Now, Meredith was 34 years old. She was married to the love of her life, Derek Shepherd and she had a precious, 18-month-old baby girl at home named Zola. She had even managed to become a board-certified general surgeon but no matter what Meredith accomplished, it was like life was determined to punish her because here she was, lying on the forest floor, near death… and all she had been trying to do was help two conjoined twins.
The third night in the woods was the worst yet. By now, the doctors had completely run out of everything… water, clothes, Tylenol… Mark was sleeping next to Lexie, too weak to stay up and monitor her personally but Meredith did not think it would have done much good anyway. Part of Lexie had given up and without Lexie trying to stay alive, it would be nearly impossible for anyone else to keep her alive.
Meredith tried to stay awake and help Cristina who had become the only surgeon well enough to assist the others. It was so difficult… Meredith could feel her body shutting down and she kept thinking that if she was going to die young, she would have much rather get shot in the head or drown in Elliott Bay. At least those methods of dying were quick… the last thing Meredith wanted was to suffer every step of the way.
I wish I had just gotten blown-up by the bomb during my intern year, Meredith thought to herself as she drifted off to sleep. She watched as Cristina tried to rewrap Arizona's leg with leaves because the bugs had continued nesting in the wound, eating her alive.
No matter how exhausted Meredith felt though, she could not sleep for long because Cristina saw to that.
"Mer, wake-up. You've got to stay awake," she said what felt like every half-hour.
"But… I'm so… tired," Meredith argued. She tried to sit forward and keep her eyes open; as a doctor, she knew that was what she was supposed to do but it was hard. It was so hard and the only thing that kept Meredith going was the fact that Lexie and Derek were somehow, still alive… without them, and maybe Cristina, there was no point in living.
At around 2:00 in the morning, according to her watch, Meredith's eyes flew open but it was not due to any urging from Cristina. She heard a sound nearby and she grabbed a chunk of grass to help pull herself into a sitting position.
Meredith's original assumption that help was coming quickly disappeared. The noise she heard was a low growl and Meredith knew for a fact that it was some kind of wild animal. Wolves? A bear? A mountain lion?
"Cristina," Meredith whispered softly; she wanted to make sure that she was not the only one awake… she wanted to make sure that she was not alone.
There was not an answer so Meredith crawled forward and as she peeked around the corner of the plane wreckage, she received her confirmation: there were several huge, gray wolves congregating nearby. Meredith had seen the wolves before; the pack had been pacing around the crash site the last few nights but they had never come this close. The animals were currently sniffing at the ground surrounding the surgeons, edging dangerously close to Mark and Lexie.
Unlike her younger sister, Meredith had never been a member of the Girl Scouts. She had never received any kind of training when it came to dealing with wildlife but at this point, none of that mattered. Meredith's survival instincts were kicking in and instructing her on what to do… play dead.
Meredith lay perfectly still and hoped that all of the other doctors would be smart enough to do the same. She prayed that all the others would sleep through this nightmare, that the wolves would move on like they had last night and find other sources of food.
As the seconds ticked on like hours, however, Meredith's wish seemed less and less likely to come true. The wolves were not going anywhere. In fact, they were growing more interested in the easy prey available. Meredith watched through her squinted eyelids as one of the largest wolves snuck its snoot right down in Lexie's face, inhaling the stench of her dried blood.
That was it; they were past the point of playing dead. Meredith yanked herself up into a sitting position once again and began scrambling around, doing everything she could to wake everyone.
"Cristina! Cristina, come on… we need to hide."
"Derek, we need to get you inside the cockpit… either that or… or behind some of the wreckage. The wolves are trying to eat us."
"Arizona! Arizona, come on. I'll help you; we… we need to do something!"
But Arizona did not stir. She was alive, and awake, her eyes staring up at Meredith in fear but it was obvious that Arizona was too terrified to move, too scared to defend herself.
Cristina was conscious, too, and looking at Meredith, the expression on her face both afraid and conflicted… should she run with Meredith now and save herself or wait around and try to save the others?
Well, that was a decision that Cristina would have to make for herself but Meredith knew what she was going to do. She was going to do everything in her power to save Derek and Lexie… Derek and Lexie had made it this far and they were not going to be killed by a hungry pack of wolves.
"Derek!" Meredith repeated and her husband groggily opened his eyes. "Derek, we gotta go… the… the plane or the cockpit… there's wolves and…"
Meredith did not need to explain any further. Derek may have been lying down but he could easily observe the scene and he widened his eyes in shock. "G-Get me up… Mer, help me… get up…"
"That's what I've b-been trying… to do," Meredith said. Ignoring the painful throbs that were coming from her broken ribs, she hauled Derek up into a sitting position. "Okay… okay, come on… we're… we can get in…"
"No," Derek interrupted and he could barely move but he managed to position himself in front of his wife, protecting her. "Stay… stay b-behind me… whatever… you do… stay behind… me."
She thought about fighting some more but then Meredith realized it was pointless. Even if Derek was not stupid enough to sacrifice himself for his wife, he had absolutely no strength to get up and move into the cockpit. Therefore, Meredith was not going to go anywhere either.
All Meredith could do was sit there behind her husband and watch as the wolves wandered around, licking at the blood that was still splattered across the grass, growling whenever one of the surgeons stirred.
Meredith was telling herself that the wolves had to move on soon, just as they had last night, when suddenly, the same wolf that was smelling Lexie before returned to its original place. And this time, the wolf did more than sniff around… it clawed at Lexie, as if she was already dead, as if she was a decaying piece of meat, and Meredith's little sister let out a long, high-pitched wail.
There was rapid movement. Mark had jumped up and thrown himself on top of Lexie to protect her and then a male voice was yelling for help.
"HEY!" Meredith screamed at the top of her lungs. "HEY, GET… AWAY… FROM… THEM!"
She waved her old hiking stick above her head, trying to appear as threatening as possible and from nearby, Cristina tossed a few small rocks at the wolves. But not even two, crazy doctors were enough to scare these animals away. The loud, erratic behavior from Meredith and Cristina just made the wolves angrier and Meredith only had about three seconds to process what had happened before the dogs were turning on her and Cristina, approaching them with bared teeth and matted, bloody fur.
This time, Meredith attempted to position herself in front of Derek to preserve him but it was no use. The wolves were relentless; one of them was starting to gnaw on Arizona's leg and another was clawing at the dressing on Derek's abdomen.
Meredith had all but accepted the fact that she was going to be eaten alive when she remembered that what the wolves wanted more than anything was meat, meat that was already dead… and luckily, the surgeons had some of that.
"Help me!" Meredith screamed to Cristina and without thinking, she ran over to the cockpit. She grabbed poor Jerry by the shirt and pulled with all her strength.
Cristina hesitated but only for a second and then she scrambled over and helped tug Jerry's body out of the plane. Together, Meredith and Cristina tossed him into the clearing, a distance away and instantly, the wolves abandoned their attempts to eat Lexie, Mark, Arizona, and Derek.
The pack swarmed the pilot. They dragged his body into the trees. Meredith began sobbing uncontrollably because she had never sacrificed human life like that and granted, Jerry was already dead but it did not make her feel any better.
If it had not been for Lexie, Meredith probably would have sat there, in shock, forever, but the question was looming in the darkness. Meredith's body had gone numb so she was forced to crawl over to her sister, doing everything she could to ignore the sounds of the wolves devouring Jerry Haynes.
Somehow, Lexie was alive but her breathing was more ragged than ever. Lying on her back with the oxygen mask covering her face, Lexie was gasping for air, fresh blood running down the side of her face as a result of the wolves' sharp claws.
Mark was alive and awake, as well but he was covered in claw marks and was clearly in a state of shock. Cristina was trying to talk to him, asking him the usual: Do you know where you are? Do you know your full name? Can you see how many fingers I'm holding up?
Apparently, Mark was not responding because Cristina turned around and yelled something to Meredith, asking her for help but Meredith would not, could not help any longer. She curled into the fetal position on the ground and wrapped her arms around her chest to try and close the hole that had appeared there, that was never going to be the same again. She tried to block everything out but the more that Meredith tried, the more those images seeped further into her brain.
The wolves were probably going to come back for seconds and eat everyone…
Dawn was breaking when Meredith woke-up again and realized that she had fallen back asleep in the first place, or else passed-out. Her entire body was quivering with chills and although the wolves were gone, the damage had been done. Jerry's body was nowhere to be seen.
It was officially day four of being stranded in the woods. Almost 72 hours had passed since the plane had originally gone down. Meredith could feel herself shutting down, her body unable to endure anymore blood loss, dehydration, and trauma; everything that had occurred last night had been the icing on the cake.
By this point, Meredith knew that the surgeons were never going to get out… they were never going to see anything outside of this bitter, cold forest again. Meredith was never going to hug Zola or tease Alex or learn from Webber and Bailey… she knew that and maybe it was okay. Because to be honest, Meredith was so dizzy and beyond the point of caring whether she lived or died. She had last drank water over 48 hours ago and her body was finished fighting for something that was never going to come…
Plus, Meredith was going crazy. Whenever she looked up at the sky, she saw what looked like hundreds of neon blue birds flying around, singing a song that she thought she knew from her were swirling, orange patterns dancing in Meredith's peripheral vision. Hallucinations were never a good sign.
Still, the small part of Meredith that remained a doctor told herself that she could not die or give up until she knew that all of the other surgeons had either passed away themselves or been rescued. Prior to doing anything, Meredith had to do rounds and make sure that everyone else was still alive.
Meredith tried to stand but she ended up having to crawl around their small campsite, which was still tinted with gore and blood from the night before. With every step that she took, Meredith grew more nauseous but she clamped her mouth shut and forced her remaining fluids to stay inside… she forced herself to try, one more time…
Lexie was the priority, especially after the sounds that she had been making recently so Meredith headed in what she thought was the direction of her little sister. Sure enough, Lexie was lying on the ground nearby, and Mark was sitting up next to her, staring out into space. They were both considerably worse for wear after the night with the wolf pack. Mark had a lot of scratches on his face and chest. At some point in the night, Lexie had both urinated on herself and had a bowel movement that had seeped through her decaying scrub pants.
"M-Mark…?" Meredith coughed out from her awkward, downward stance. "Is… is she…?"
"She's… she's unresponsive," Mark said in a hollow, lifeless voice. "Last night, it… it pushed her over the edge. It… it pushed us all… over. We're… we're losing her."
Even 24 hours ago, Meredith would have protested. She would have told Mark that he was being stupid, that Lexie was going to be fine because for some reason, Meredith had experienced bouts of optimism out here in the forest. It was hard to argue now, though. Meredith knew as well as everyone that Lexie was hanging by a thread.
"She um… she w-wanted me to… to tell you something," Mark continued, softly. "She told me to… to tell you that… that she loved you and… and that you were a good sister."
Meredith shook her head and wiped at her brimming eyes. "No, I… I wasn't."
"Well, Lexie thought… or… Lexie thinks you are," Mark said, correcting himself halfway through his sentence. The doctors had already been speaking like Lexie had passed away.
"Lexie's too… she's… she's too g-good," Meredith sighed. "I… I don't… d-deserve her…"
"No one deserves her. Everyone… everyone in her life has always… taken her for g-granted. Her dad, her friends… me… but she still had something to say… to all of them. She wants you to… to tell your dad that she loves him, too and… and that he b-better stay sober, no matter what," Mark said.
That would be the most painful conversation of Meredith's life. She tried to picture a scenario where she made it out of the woods but Lexie did not… where she had to tell Thatcher that his favorite daughter was dead because of her… it was unimaginable. Meredith had grown up as an only child but now, she could not accept not having Lexie as her sister.
Any further angst was temporarily delayed by impending footsteps. Meredith looked up to see Cristina limping towards them. It appeared that she was now the only surgeon who could walk halfway decently.
"W-What's… going on? Is… is everyone… alive?" Meredith asked.
"I mean, everyone except for Jerry," Cristina said. "And I'm guessing Mark gave you the update on Lexie. Speaking of which, Mark, I want to try to clean your cuts again. I don't want your pretty, McSteamy face getting all infected and… and nasty."
Mark shook his head. "Hell no… no, you're not torturing me with… with that hand sanitizer… again."
"Would you rather contract rabies or something from one of those killer dogs?"
"I… I don't know. Maybe," Mark confessed. "W-Would that… kill me faster?"
Cristina snorted but she did not directly answer Mark. Everyone was giving up. It was heartbreaking, yet at the same time, no one could really place blame on one another or attempt to be the optimistic cheerleader. The wolves, the cold, the physical and mental trauma… it had erased everyone's spirit.
"Well, we should at least take our temperatures… see if that's gotten any worse," Cristina said and she took the thermometer out of her coat pocket, the only piece of medical equipment that the surgeons possessed.
Mark volunteered to go first, probably just to get Cristina off his back. Despite the frigid air, Mark's temperature had increased and now sat at 102.8 degrees. Cristina's was better, leveling out at 102.5 but not by much… Lexie's fever had gone up to 103.8.
"Her temperature is sky high but her pulse is low," Mark said, feeling Lexie's carotid artery with two fingers. "She's probably going septic."
It made sense, with the massive infection in Lexie's chest and lungs but this did not make the words any easier to digest. Meredith could not cry though, not anymore. She simply lied on the ground, her head resting on a pile of dry, dead leaves and thought about how she never knew it could hurt so badly to go numb.
"Okay, come on, Meredith," Cristina said and leaned forward, the freshly sanitized thermometer in her hands. "Come on, open your mouth."
Meredith robotically did as she was told. A few moments later, the buzzer went off. Cristina glanced at the reading and sighed again. "Shit… spiked to 103.1…"
"Awesome," Meredith said; her voice was coming out deep, like she had bronchitis.
Perhaps it was five minutes later or five hours later that Cristina returned from taking Arizona and Derek's temperatures, respectively. During the time that she was gone, Meredith had not stirred an inch… not to sit up, not to push her disgusting hair out of her face. Any amount of movement was too much to bear.
If there was one thing that could still catch Meredith's attention, though, it was Cristina's next words: "Mer, get up. Come on, you need to come here. It's Derek."
"W-What's wrong… with him?" Meredith asked, hauling herself up. "H-He's… he's… alive… r-right?"
"He's alive but…" Cristina trailed off and once Meredith had crawled over to her husband, she would realize why no explanation was needed.
Derek was worse than ever. His temperature was blazing at 105.1 degrees and his entire body was shaking with the chills. Derek's face and neck was drenched with sweat, yet pale white, and his eyes appeared dazed to the point of delirium. As if that was not enough by itself, blood was beginning to trickle out of Derek's mouth again and his hand was clearly infected.
"Oh, God… oh, God," Meredith whispered. "H-He's… he's… going… to die…"
"He… he won't die. We'll put a coat on him and break his fever," Cristina said, although they both knew there was no medical proof to that urban legend. It did not matter right now. They wrapped one of the dry coats from Seattle Grace around Derek's body; he did not respond to the action.
Meredith laid down next to him and thought back to a memory that came from her second year of residency, when her relationship with Derek was still inconsistent… when Derek had wanted everything and she had not and Derek had said: I want to die when I'm 110 years old, in your arms. I don't want 48 uninterrupted hours; I want a lifetime.
Now, finally… Meredith wanted that, too. She wanted it all and it was too late. Derek was going to die in her arms but he was going to be 45 years old, not 110 and Meredith was going to die at 34…
It was too much. For the first time, Meredith understood how everyone else had felt after the shooting… how Cristina had felt. She would do anything to block out the pain… the physical, mental, and emotional pain… she would kill herself if it meant that she could transfer her remaining energy to Derek or Lexie…
Time dragged by. Meredith was not sure how long they had been out here in the woods anymore. Had the plane crashed three days ago or three weeks ago? Had they really only passed their boards approximately one week ago? That did not seem right. Meredith almost laughed at the fact that a week ago, her biggest problems consisted of having the stomach flu and choosing a fellowship program. Meredith would have failed her boards, gladly, if it meant that the plane never would have crashed.
It was early afternoon and Meredith was lying next to Derek, watching as thousands of fairy lights bounced up and down in the trees above her when she felt a cool hand touch her neck. Meredith blinked so that the fairy lights would go away and looked at Cristina who was apparently measuring her pulse.
"Am… am I… d-dying?" Meredith wondered.
"I… I don't know. You're not looking too good."
"I… I look b-better than… that you do…"
"Not possible," Cristina sighed. "To be honest… I don't think they're ever gonna find us."
At last, Cristina had come to the conclusion… Meredith had been there a long time ago. "I… I don't think there's… anyone left to… to find us. I think… this is the… the world… ending. I just… I always p-pictured… more earthquakes and… and volcanic… eruptions."
Cristina rolled her eyes. "I pictured the sun just randomly exploding one day and all of us dying instantly."
"That… that wouldn't be… so b-bad. At least… at least it'd… be quick," Meredith said.
"True. I wish the sun would explode right now so we could all just die," Cristina agreed.
Meredith looked up at her friend through blurry eyes. She had a feeling that her eyes were never going to be the same, alive or dead. "I w-wish… I had… a scalpel. Then I could… just… cut my carotid… and be d-done."
"Don't say that, Meredith."
"W-Why? You just said… you said they're… n-never gonna… find us and… and I think you're… r-right," Meredith said. "I don't… wanna suffer. Just… just untie the… the tourniquet… on my leg. Let me… b-bleed out."
Cristina shook her head. "No, you're not gonna bleed out, Mer because Lexie needs you. Lexie needs you and Derek needs you and Zola needs you and… and I need you. And when I said that no one was ever gonna find us, that was me showing an ounce of weakness one second of my life. I know people are gonna find us, today probably. And you can't be dead when they find us."
Meredith thought that she knew that but still, slipping away in a pool of her own blood did not seem bad.
Shortly after this, Meredith must have lost consciousness again because the next thing she knew, another hand was nudging her face but this time, it was not Cristina. It was mid-afternoon or early evening and Meredith opened her eyes to see that Derek had sustained enough strength to awaken his wife.
For the first time in days, Meredith's heart leapt hopefully. "H-Hey… hey, you're… awake."
"M-Mer," Derek whispered and Meredith's original prediction that his fever might have broken vanished. If anything, Derek's temperature had increased further; how high did it have to go before it caused permanent brain damage? Meredith knew that she should remember yet all of her medical knowledge had disappeared.
"H-How are… you feeling?"
Derek did not answer directly and instead, just held his wife's hand. "I'm… I'm glad you… m-made it."
"Made it?"
"You made it… here with… with me," Derek whispered. "I'm g-glad… I… I got to meet you… at Joe's and… and… fall… in love… with you. I'm glad… I… I'm g-glad… it happened… even though… we've… we've b-been through… hell and… I'm g-glad… we got a chance… to… to get m-married and… and start a… family…"
It turned out that Meredith's body was capable of producing tears, after all, and they flooded her eyes as she shook her head. "N-No… no, stop. Don't… don't you… dare say… your goodbyes."
"I just… I n-need you… to know… you are… are a great… mother. You're n-nothing… like… your mother and… you're g-gonna… get outta here… you're gonna… go and… raise Zola… right. You're… you're gonna be… an… amazing… surgeon, Mer…"
"I said… I said STOP IT!" Meredith demanded. "They're… they're g-gonna find us… today… I p-promise."
Derek shook his head, and then winced from the pain. "I… I don't… don't p-promise things… you can't… you can't… control. Mer… can you… can you p-please… do something… for me…"
"What?" Meredith asked; she knew better than to agree to anything without hearing it first.
"P-Promise me… you're g-gonna be… okay. That you… you won't do… anything… stupid," Derek requested. "And I… I know you're… you're p-probably gonna… talk to… my… my family so… try to… to trust… them. And… and talk… to them. I… I want you… to tell… my mom that… that she's… amazing and… and strong and… and I'm sorry.
"Tell… my… my sister, Amy… tell her… I'm sorry… we… we didn't… always… see… eye to eye but… but that she's… an amazing… surgeon and… and is g-gonna… do great things… tell her… I love her…"
Meredith interrupted again by shaking her head, ignoring the throbbing pain, ignoring any part of her own suffering. "S-STOP… IT! You're… you're r-right… I shouldn't… p-promise things I can't… control and… I can't control how… how I w-would react to… to you dying. You do not… g-get… to die on me… okay?! R-Remember… you… you dying… it would be the… the w-worst… break-up… ever. YOU DON'T GET… TO DIE, DEREK… I… I LOVE YOU…!"
"HELP!" Mark yelled from the opposite direction. "HELP, SHE'S CRASHING!"
She's crashing. Lexie was crashing… it was a Code Blue except that there was no Code Blue alarm to pull.
"There's an AED… get it; get the AED!" Mark demanded.
Meredith was too weak; she could barely sit up so it was Cristina that tore through the wreckage one more time, and emerged from the decaying aircraft with a small, familiar red box.
Mark was performing CPR. "HURRY! MEREDITH, GET THE PADS! CRISTINA, CHARGE TO 250!"
But Meredith could not do it anymore. It was too much. She was broken beyond repair; she could not be the one responsible for her sister's life. So she did not try… she just wailed, sobbed, hyperventilated… Derek had fallen unconscious and Lexie had no pulse. Meredith's wounds were gushing blood due to her increased heart rate but Meredith could not stop… she could not stop…
"MEREDITH!" Mark repeated. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! GET YOURSELF TOGETHER AND HELP US!"
Somehow, Meredith's hands went through the motions… she unwrapped the pads and stuck them to Lexie's bare chest. Cristina had the AED charged and ready and she announced, "Okay, clear!"
Lexie's feeble body jerked upwards. Perhaps they got her back or maybe they did not… Meredith was shaking and screaming and her voice was gone. Her body could not support itself any longer. She collapsed backwards, into the grass, next to her husband who was in all likelihood dead… maybe Lexie was dead, too… maybe everyone was dead… hopefully, Meredith was dying…
It would be a welcome relief. The skies were turning dark again; the daylight hours all having passed in slow-motion. Meredith wanted to die, Meredith needed to die because she could not do it again… she could not listen to the animals of the night and wonder if they were going to be eaten alive…
Most of all, Meredith could not think about Jerry. She could not think about the fact that the pilot who had done his best the entire flight, who had done nothing wrong, was punished by literally getting devoured by wolves.
From somewhere far away, Meredith could hear Cristina calling her name, begging her to stay awake, to stay alive but Meredith blocked out the noise. She blocked out the fact that Arizona was wailing like she had when the plane had originally crashed and that Derek and Lexie were dying…
"D-D-Derek…" Meredith whispered under her breath, her remaining breaths racked with sobs. He was dead; she knew it… the one love of her life was dead…
Soon, Meredith would die, too. She would go to the afterlife or whatever part of it was true. She would see George and Susan and her mother…
Do you still think I'm extraordinary, Mom? Meredith wondered to herself. She had passed her boards after all… but it was Ellis Grey… she would likely find some reason to hate her daughter.
Slowly, Meredith forced her eyes to open once more, desperate to grab one last image of existence… she was really dying and she knew it; there was no going back. Because all of a sudden, it was like relief washed over her. Nothing hurt that badly and Meredith was being whisked away from this life in the woods.
There was a bright, white light shining overhead and Meredith knew that this must be death. She ignored Cristina and Mark's screams and that Derek was gone because Derek was waiting for her… Meredith stared at the white light for a moment longer until the blackness took over and she felt her head roll to the side.
That's it. You've survived the actual plane crash. After this, we have rescue and recovery which will not be easy by any means but it will be better than being stranded in the woods. And again, I don't want to spoil it for you guys but come on… no, MerDer did not die. Please, I hope you know me better than to think that I would do that. Xoxo, merderpedia :)