Author's Note- Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up, guys! Writing (and editing) is hard. This chapter is another long one though so hopefully that makes up for it. I am going to work on making my chapters longer in general because you guys seem to like that. Okay, I hope you enjoy!
(Just a reminder- we are back to Meredith's POV.)
Exhaustion must have eventually overpowered the wolves and the blood because when Meredith next opened her eyes, there was sunlight peeking through her window blinds. Sleep had come and gone and there was a familiar man sitting in a nearby chair with tears streaming down his face.
"M-Meredith," Thatcher Grey sobbed when he saw that his daughter was awake. "Meredith, I'm… I'm not sure if you want to see me but… but I have to see you… thank God, thank God you're alive."
It was difficult, if not impossible for Meredith to form a thought. Thatcher was here… she figured that he might come to Boise to see Lexie but Meredith could not imagine her father getting this emotional about her unless someone else was watching… and even then, Thatcher was not that great of an actor.
What was Meredith supposed to say? Was she supposed to pretend, too, that she was happy to see him?
There were a set of footsteps from behind and Dr. Vance appeared. "I know you said that you wanted to see someone you knew. It's not technically visiting hours yet but I let your dad in; he was in hysterics and I know you're so close with him, the way you gave him your liver."
"Um…" Meredith muttered.
"Well, I'll give you two some time to catch-up," Dr. Vance smiled and backed out of the room quickly. "But let me know if you need anything!"
Meredith nodded shortly and turned her glance back to Thatcher who was attempting to control himself. "I know… I know you probably want to see someone else but… Meredith, please just… can you say something? Can you let me know that… do you know who I am?"
"I… I know… who you are," Meredith assured him in her choked whisper.
Thatcher looked concerned. "What's wrong with your voice? Does your throat hurt?"
"I'm… I'm okay," Meredith said and this time, Thatcher sighed with relief.
"I still… I can't believe you were in a plane crash and now, I… I can't believe that you're okay. Richard Webber told me you had a head injury and I was praying the whole way here that it wasn't serious. It looks like you're alright though, so that's good."
"Yeah," Meredith said. She was not sure if she was alright; how could she be alright after what they had been through? But at the same time, she was alive…
Thatcher wiped more tears from his face. "So uh… so is Derek okay?"
"I… I don't know. He had really high… b-blood pressure and… um… he had some surgery already but… they're working… on getting… him… stabilized," Meredith said and then she remembered the promise she had made to Lexie. "Thank you for… for coming."
"Oh, God… don't… don't thank me. Of course, I had to come for both you and Lexie. I wanted to see you, Meredith. I wanted you to… to be okay," Thatcher cried.
Again, Meredith nodded; it was all she could think to do. Her thoughts were processing slower than normal, probably due to her concussion, and she was in significantly more pain than she had been last night in the ER. Her morphine was likely wearing off. Meredith's head, back, and ribs were especially sore.
She closed her eyes for a moment and then opened them again when Thatcher touched her shoulder. "Um… what… what are you… d-doing?"
"Sorry," Thatcher apologized. "It's just so good to see you. How are you feeling? Are you in pain?"
"Um… a little… I'm okay," Meredith said. She took a deep breath. She was not sure if she wanted to know but she had to ask sooner or later: "So um… so how's Lexie?"
Thatcher did not say anything and suddenly, Meredith felt like she knew. She knew that her sister was dead, the sister that she finally had grown to love and Meredith could not handle this. She could accept her mother's death, she got through George's, and she survived the shooting but this was too much. Meredith could not handle Lexie's death…
"No…" she whispered and before Thatcher could say anything else, Meredith dissolved into hysterical tears. There was no stopping them even though her father was the last person she wanted to let see her cry.
"Meredith, Meredith," Thatcher said and jumped up. He tried to put hands on his daughter's shoulders but Meredith quickly swatted him away.
"DON'T… TOUCH ME! GET… OUT OF… MY ROOM!" Meredith's voice broke and she started coughing through her sobs.
"No, stop it! It's okay, baby! Lexie isn't dead! Meredith!" Thatcher screamed over all the noise and Meredith gasped to a stop but she still could not speak.
Thatcher reached over onto the side table and poured a fresh cup of water which he handed to his daughter. "There we go… you're okay. Deep breaths, Meredith."
Meredith sipped at the water, inhaled and exhaled, and quieted her coughs. "S-She's not…? Lexie… she's not…? Why… why did you… say it… or… or not say it…"
Thatcher took Meredith's hand; she barely kept herself from pulling away again. "Because it's not good. She's still alive but… but I don't know if she'll… stay alive."
"Then… then you say that. You tell me… Lexie's critical but… b-but alive and… and you don't… answer my… question with… silence because… in the medical… world… that automatically means… someone is dead," Meredith said. "Is she… is she out… of surgery?"
"Yes, but she's gonna need another one. Her doctor, um… Dr. Sheehan, I think… she told me that they did the first stage of Lexie's bone surgeries. They fixed her pelvis and set the bones in her legs and her arm. They were gonna do chest surgery, too; they said she was bleeding near her heart or something… but she started having a hard time so they had to stop. But yeah… Dr. Sheehan said it was a miracle she's still alive at all. It looks like you guys did pretty good out in the woods," Thatcher explained.
"Yeah, we… we used the oxygen… tanks… the ones from… from the plane to… to help her breathing and… had some… tubes so… so we drained some of… her blood," Meredith admitted but then realized that this would not mean much to Thatcher. "How much… was she still… b-bleeding? Did they… close?"
Thatcher shrugged and shook his head. "I don't know. I didn't ask for details; I don't know the surgical language like you do… and honestly, I don't really want to find out until I know she's gonna make it."
We won't know that for a while, Meredith thought but she knew better than to say something like that in front of her father now.
Instead, she took a deep breath and attempted to control her breathing. "Okay… okay, so… you know I'm… I'm okay… now. You can go… be with her… that's… that's… what you… want."
"They won't allow visitors right now because of the risk of infection," Thatcher said. "And that's fine; I'm perfectly fine staying here with you. You sound like you're having a hard time talking or… or breathing. I can tell you're in pain. What can I do?"
It was a strange question; Meredith did not think that her father had ever asked her that question once, not in her life. She tried not to laugh at the absurdity but then winced. "N-Nothing… it's just… um… I b-broke… a few… ribs and… and my head kinda hurts but… but I'm… I'm okay."
"I can get you an ice pack or something," Thatcher offered. "And maybe some food? Are you hungry; do you want me to grab you something from the cafeteria?"
"Um… you should… p-probably talk to… my doctor… about that. I'm not… sure what I'm… allowed to… to have but… yeah, food… that sounds amazing," Meredith said and it looked like Thatcher was glad to do something because he jumped up and ran out into the hallway. Now that he had been sober for almost three years, he was acting more like the person that Susan had described to Meredith when they first met… a caring, sensitive man who often spilled coffee on his shirt.
No matter how much Meredith tried though, she knew that she would never truly think of him as her dad. Meredith could never think of anyone in that way. She would try to be nicer for Lexie, but she still felt the same way as she did when Thatcher's liver originally failed: unfazed about his existence. Meredith did not feel that she would suffer if something happened to Thatcher but she knew that Lexie would… that was why she donated her liver.
Five minutes later, Thatcher returned to his daughter's hospital room. He was followed by a nurse who placed a tray of food in front of Meredith. It contained a small bowl of chicken-broth, some applesauce, and a cup of orange juice.
"I've got you an ice pack, too, Dr. Grey," the nurse said and she tucked the thing under Meredith's hospital gown, on top of her aching ribs. It felt good but at the same time, it made Meredith extremely cold. She shivered.
"Maybe another blanket, too?" Thatcher said to the nurse who nodded and ran off to retrieve it.
Once she was gone, Thatcher sat down again and smiled at his daughter. "You don't feel sick or anything do you? I don't know why they won't give you more. Want me to go buy you a sandwich or something?"
Meredith shook her head as she took a small sip of orange juice. It was the first flavor she had gotten in over five days and she was not sure if she had ever tasted something so wonderful. "No, there's… um… a reason they… d-do this stuff. They don't… want my… my system g-going… into shock."
"Yeah, I guess I should have learned more from your mother when I had the chance," Thatcher said.
It was a weird conversation. Meredith focused on her food. She picked up her spoon and fed herself some chicken-broth; it was hot and comforting. When she looked up again to drink her orange juice, she noticed that Thatcher was still staring at her.
Meredith put her juice down; this was too much. "Are you seriously just… g-gonna sit there and… and w-watch me eat?"
"I don't have anything better to do. I'm not allowed to see Lexie and I'm too nervous to eat. I don't have any other family to update. What do you want me to do?" Thatcher said.
"I don't know… just um… just do something," Meredith begged.
Thatcher glanced at his phone and sighed. "I probably should have brought you something from home but it's not like I could have gone inside your house. Do you want me to go to the gift shop and buy you some pajamas?"
"No, that's okay," Meredith said and then she was sparked with an idea, watching Thatcher look at his phone. "But… but there is… something you could do but… it would… involve you leaving the… hospital and… I don't know if you w-wanna… do that."
"It depends on how far I'd have to go," Thatcher said. "I mean, I'm not allowed to see Lexie anyway and her doctor promised me to call as soon as there's a change."
Meredith nodded. "Yeah, then… could you m-maybe… find a place… near here and buy me a… a new phone? Mine got destroyed… in the… the crash and… I'd pay you back once… we got home."
Thatcher lit up at his new job and nodded. "I can do that. Do you care what kind of phone?"
"Just get um… the newest iPhone. I'll write down my… my account stuff," Meredith said and scratched it quickly on a piece of paper.
"Is that all you need? Do you want a case for it or anything? Some clothes?"
The thought of Thatcher picking out clothes for Meredith was humiliating so Meredith shook her head. Thatcher was about to walk out the door when she called him back. "Hey, um… wait."
"Yeah?"
"Is there anyway… you could buy one… for D-Derek, too? We're on… on the same… account. He would p-pay... you back, too and… and I'd like to… be able to talk...to him," Meredith requested.
Thatcher considered this for a moment but then he smiled. "Of course… I'd be happy to do something for my son-in-law. It's not like there's much I can do; I didn't even get you a wedding gift."
"It's not like… we had a real wedding. We went to… to the courthouse," Meredith said and this was enough for now. Thatcher finally left, off to purchase several iPhones.
Once he was gone though, Meredith realized that she could not wait until Thatcher returned to speak to Derek. She pressed the button on the side of her bed to ask for assistance and almost immediately, a nurse came running in her room. "Yes, Dr. Grey?"
"Hi, could you please… tell me which room my… my husband is in? His name is… Derek Shepherd," Meredith said.
"Um… yes, one moment," the nurse said and disappeared. She came back less than a minute later and reported that Derek was located in room 517. Meredith had no idea what room she was in personally but it had to be close if they were both in the ICU.
Quickly, Meredith pulled the standard phone from her bedside table onto her lap and punched in the numbers: 517. The phone rang once… twice… three times… four times… and then…
"Hello, Carolyn Shepherd speaking."
Meredith froze. It was Derek's mother and although they had gotten along decently thus far, she definitely never meant to call her mother-in-law. "Oh, um… hi, Carolyn… sorry. This is… this is M-Meredith and… I was just wondering if… if I could talk with D-Derek?"
"Meredith," Carolyn sighed and Meredith groaned; there was no getting away now. "Honey, how are you feeling? I'm sorry I haven't gotten the chance to stop by and see you yet."
"It's okay," Meredith said. "I'm feeling okay, mainly… just tired… how is Derek?"
There was a short pause which made Meredith's chest hurt just as much, if not more than it had minutes ago when Thatcher was an idiot. But then Carolyn spoke. "Well, he's… he's in a lot of pain, sweetheart. Has anyone updated you on him yet?"
"N-Not since… not since r-really… early this morning, no. My doctor… told me that… he was in... hand surgery but… that they had to wait... b-because his BP was… so high. They were… they were worried about him… stroking out," Meredith said.
"Yes, well… he did come through the surgery alright, thankfully but apparently there is still a lot of nerve damage to his hand," Carolyn explained. "And he has the minor lacerations to his liver and lung but they weren't able to do too much about that because of his high vitals so they medicated him and then sent him up here, to the ICU. He woke-up a little while ago and talked with me but he was in a lot of pain and had a lot of anxiety so they increased his morphine and he's asleep again."
Meredith nodded. It was not like Carolyn could see her but part of her was relieved; Derek was, at the very least, improving. "Okay… are his vitals… b-better now?"
"His temperature is down to 101 so that's good but his pulse is still 95 and his blood pressure is 174/110," Carolyn reported.
It was like someone had hit Meredith in the chest with a brick and from far away, she heard her own heart monitors begin beeping as her heart rate increased. "That's… that's bad. That's really bad."
"I know and trust me, we are doing everything we can to get the numbers under control," Carolyn said. "Combined with the medicine Derek's on for his bleeding… we know the risks are high."
The risks were so high. Meredith was a doctor and she had been with patients in similar situations. If Derek's heart did not calm down, and if the drugs to control his bleeding kept working, the danger of a stroke would be beyond great. But then again, if the drugs to control Derek's bleeding did not keep working, then the odds of him bleeding out were also large.
Meredith's breathing picked up more. She could not live without Derek. Cristina was her soulmate but Derek was the love of her life… she could not lose him. "Okay, um… okay, can I p-please just… talk to him? Just hold the phone up to… his ear so I can tell him… that… that I love him."
"He knows you love him, Meredith," Carolyn sighed. "Trust me, he knows… during the short time that he was awake this morning, all he kept asking about was you and how you were doing. And we would really prefer to not wake him up right now because if we did, we would be risking the respirations going up and the BP getting out of control again. Before, it went up to 217/135."
217/135… Derek was a healthy person. 217/135… How was that possible?!
"Right, um… okay… okay then," Meredith whispered. "By the way… my dad went out to… to buy me a new phone… since mine got destroyed in… in the crash and… and he's gonna… b-buy Derek one, too. So… if he wakes up again later… you can tell him that. And please… do tell him… that I love him."
"I will, Meredith. Thank your father for me when he returns, or I will if I see him in the hallway. He's a good man," Carolyn said.
Meredith did not know how to answer that statement but she took a deep breath and nodded to herself. "Okay… thank you so much… for everything, Carolyn."
"Thank you, Meredith. Take care of yourself."
And then they hung-up. Meredith set down her phone and rolled back over in bed so that she was facing the windows. 217/135… she wanted more information. She wanted to hold Derek and feel his heartbeat against her ear… she wanted to know if Lexie was truly holding on or if she had given up in her fight. Meredith wanted to be in on the action, doing what she could because she was a surgeon and it was in her nature to save…
Right now though, Meredith was not a surgeon. She was a patient and her only job was to rest and wait… and wait… and wait…
MTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTB
It was a soft knocking sound from nearby that next woke Meredith. Familiar with the noises that frequented a hospital, Meredith initially paid it no attention and attempted to roll over and go back to sleep but her injured ribs prevented her from doing so and it turned out that that was for the best because there was a new, unfamiliar face standing in the doorway. A tall woman with soft, blonde hair had apparently made that sound by knocking on the doorframe.
She was dressed in business-casual attire so she likely was not a doctor- at least not a doctor on duty but she smiled gently at Meredith as she stepped into the room. "Hello, Dr. Grey. My name is Michelle; would you mind if I sat down and talked with you for a little while?"
It was just like when Meredith was first admitted in the emergency department. She tensed up and became anxious because she did not know this person and right now, everything, including strangers, were scary. But it would be rude to refuse; Michelle clearly worked for Boise Memorial; she had an ID and everything so Meredith nodded shortly and tried to sit up into a better, vertical position.
"Here, I can help you out with that," Michelle offered and pressed a few buttons on Meredith's bed to adjust her position. Then she sat down in the chair immediately to Meredith's left, the one that Thatcher had previously occupied. "Okay, Dr. Grey. Like I said, my name is Michelle. I'm one of the trauma counselors here at Boise Memorial. I know you've been through a lot the last few days, to say the least so I just thought I'd start by asking… is there anything in particular that you want to talk about?"
Meredith had suspected that it might be something like this but it still made her heart drop. They were already sending in the shrinks. Could Meredith not have one full day of peace before they started making her talk about her feelings? Thus far, Meredith did not even know what she was feeling.
"Um… you know, I… I have a therapist. Back in Seattle and… and I told them that earlier," Meredith said. "I can go… see her when I… I get home. You can go… counsel someone else."
Michelle smiled, sarcastically. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I know you might not feel like talking yet. But as a doctor, you must realize that you'll have to be cleared by a psychiatrist in addition to your medical team and that talking, or communicating in some form or another, is the only way that you're going to get better."
"And do we… really expect me to… get d-discharged anytime soon?" Meredith asked.
"Well… you're not injured as badly as some of the others. I expect that as long as you keep progressing well, that you should be able to start transitioning back to normal life in a few days," Michelle said and Meredith did not respond.
She was not sure if she was happy or disappointed. Did Meredith want to be released from the hospital? She wanted out of Boise, that was definite but Meredith always felt safer, more in control in medical settings. After fending for herself in the woods for four days, Meredith did not want to worry about taking care of herself or even Zola. To put it plainly, Meredith wanted to stay at Seattle Grace until everyone else was well enough to be discharged, too. But she could not tell any of that to Michelle, her new counselor.
Michelle, who cocked her head at Meredith like a sad puppy. "Dr. Grey? Can you tell me what you're feeling right now?"
"Tired," Meredith said.
"Yes, I'm sure you are. But what about your mental health? How are you feeling mentally, emotionally? I know several of those other doctors that were on the plane are your family. That must have been terribly hard to see them like that out in the forest, injured and alone. How did you deal with it?"
I didn't deal with it, Meredith thought to herself. I kept us alive and now I have no idea how I am personally going to continue living. It was not like she was actually suicidal but this conversation with Michelle was making everything worse for Meredith who only wanted to forget about the last five days.
"Okay," Michelle finally sighed when she must have realized that her conversation with Meredith was getting nowhere. "Okay, you don't have to talk yet if you don't want to. I'm not going to force anything out of you. But you know how this works in healthcare. I'm going to have to ask you a few, routine questions and you're going to have to answer them. Do you think you can do that for me?"
Meredith knew which questions were coming so she nodded again and sunk down further into the covers.
Michelle grinned; this was progress. "Alrighty, then… first things first. Can you please rate your anxiety for me on a scale of one to ten?"
"Um… eight," Meredith said; she knew it was not as bad as it could be. She was not out in the woods anymore and as of right now, Derek and Lexie were still alive.
"Okay, and what about your depression?" Michelle continued.
"Five," Meredith said.
Michelle marked this down. "Okay, and have you been having any thoughts about wanting to harm yourself or anyone else?"
"No, I'm a doctor. I… I don't hurt… other people… not intentionally, anyway," Meredith said and then paused. "And no, I'm… not suicidal. I'm not g-gonna… hurt myself either."
Personally, Meredith thought this was obvious. She had fought to keep herself alive for four days out in the woods. The pain, now that she had been rescued, was worse than ever, but she was not going to throw away all that work and kill herself. Meredith was not a quitter. She watched as Michelle smiled softly and then also wrote down this answer.
"Have you been seeing or hearing anything that it seems like other people can't see or hear?"
"Nope, no… psychosis," Meredith confirmed and then hesitated. "B-But… I did have some… out in the woods. I think it was m-mostly… cause of my… my dehydration but I saw… birds that… I don't think were really there and… and I saw orange stuff…"
"What kind of orange stuff?" Michelle asked.
Meredith shrugged. "I… I don't know. It was just… swirls and p-patterns."
"Okay, well… I probably don't need to tell you that some mild hallucinations are perfectly common when one has gone without fluids for a long period of time," Michelle said. "All the same, I do think it may be a good idea for you to visit your psychiatrist back home and talk about possibly getting some medication for anxiety or sleep, or both. You can't recover from surgery in one day and you can't recover from trauma that quickly either. Take your time, Dr. Grey and try not to push yourself. You have survived a major, life-altering accident and that in itself is good enough for now."
It was a typical speech that Meredith had heard lots of times before… from doctors, and therapists, and nurses. Still, she nodded because she knew that Michelle's intentions were good. "Can I go… b-back to sleep… now?"
"You can very shortly. I do want to tell you one last thing and that's that there are a lot of people outside who want to see you. I know you've been visiting with your father already but there are friends, co-workers… I'm not sure, maybe some extended family. Too many people all at once after a trauma can be triggering but I just wondered if you felt comfortable seeing anyone?"
There was not any biological family that Meredith had left other than her father, Lexie, and maybe her other sister, Molly and Meredith had never even met the latter, not properly. She could guess who the people outside were… her usual crew from Seattle Grace… Richard and Bailey specifically came to mind.
The entire time that Meredith had been out in the woods, she would have given anything to see any one of her co-workers but now, Meredith was just not in the mood for pretending to be okay. She did not want Richard or Bailey to see her like this either.
"No, um… not right now," Meredith said. "Not… unless… can I see m-my… my husband? Or my sister?"
Michelle hesitated. "Well, I do think that your treatment team is trying to keep you in bed for right now."
"P-Please," Meredith begged. "Please, I… the last time I… I saw them, I… I didn't even know if… if they were alive. Just… just put me in a… wheelchair. I won't try to… get up. Just let me… see Derek."
This was obviously having an effect on Michelle who was under the impression that Meredith was beginning to open up. She considered this statement some more and then paced out of the room and when she came back, a young, red-headed nurse was lagging behind.
"Okay, we're going to do this nice and slowly, alright, Dr. Grey?" Michelle said and Meredith nodded eagerly. "And you're going to have to wait outside of your husband's room because they don't want to wake him up; that's when his pulse gets too high. But you can see him and… and see that he's alive. I'm sure that would be good for you."
Meredith agreed wholeheartedly. And for once, she was a good patient, sitting quietly and allowing herself to be lifted by several nurses into a wheelchair that was waiting nearby. Meredith was still hooked up to several different machines but they were portable and Michelle assisted in transporting them onto the IV pole attached to the wheelchair.
Out in the hallway, just outside of her ICU room, all of the Seattle Grace employees were waiting, just like Michelle had said. Richard and Bailey were there along with Callie, Owen, and a woman that Meredith faintly recognized as Cristina's mother.
Bailey jogged alongside Meredith's wheelchair. "I swear, Meredith Grey, you cannot keep doing this to us. Your class of interns has wrecked havoc on our entire hospital."
Bailey was being sarcastic and Meredith knew she was supposed to laugh or at least smile but she could not force herself to do either. She heard Michelle say in response, "I'm sorry, Miranda, but Dr. Grey told me that she really is not up for visitors right now. We're only bringing her out here so she can see Dr. Shepherd."
Seconds later, the wheelchair came to a halt outside of ICU room 517. Meredith leaned forward and for the first time in almost 24 hours, laid eyes on her husband. To say that Derek could look better was an understatement. He was lying flat on his back, a surgical bandage similar to Meredith's wrapped around his head. Derek's left arm was completely covered by a huge cast and his body was fragile, pale, and dotted with lacerations, blood, and wires.
Meredith tried to take a deep breath but it was like her lungs had forgotten how to inhale. She had not cried since the plane crash, not really, but she felt her eyes fill with tears. She could not cry… Meredith willed herself not to cry; that would be admitting defeat.
Suddenly, there was a light touch to the top of Meredith's head, a hand stroking her hair. She flinched so badly that she almost disconnected one of her heart monitors and then turned around to see that Bailey and Richard her joined her in watching Derek, against Michelle's orders. It had been Richard that had touched Meredith's hair. Even though Meredith could never think of anyone as a father figure, she knew that Richard continued to think of her as the daughter he never had.
"I'm sorry," he apologized, maybe for making Meredith flinch, or maybe for a whole lot more.
Another set of footsteps joined them; Michelle was back. "Dr. Webber… Dr. Bailey… I'm sorry but I am going to have to ask you to step away from Dr. Grey for now. We have to consider her boundaries and if she does not feel comfortable enough to have visitors, then that is something we have to respect."
Richard quickly did as he was told but before Bailey could go anywhere, Meredith managed to choke out, "B-Bailey can stay."
"Are you sure, Dr. Grey?" Michelle asked and Meredith nodded so she backed off as well.
Meredith was left alone with Bailey who took over for Webber and stroked her student's hair, gently as they watched Derek. "Well… his BP is better. It's still high but it's better. 168 over 98… pulse is 101. He's asleep so… it doesn't appear that he's in too much pain."
"T-That's good," Meredith whispered and before she could help it, the waterworks were running; they spilled down her face, silently.
Bailey sighed and knelt down next to her wheelchair. "I know, sweetie. I know, it's…"
"No, you don't," Meredith interjected. She wanted to say so much about how Bailey was not there and about how it was Meredith that had been trapped in the woods for four days with her loved ones but she could barely speak so all she said was, "N-No, you don't… you… you have no idea…"
There was another pause as Bailey thought about this and then she nodded. "Okay, I don't know. I don't know what you are going through currently but I have been in a similar situation. In case you don't remember, there was a day during your intern year where there was a Code Black at Seattle Grace. You, idiotically, put your hand inside a human body that day, on top of an active bomb. That same day, I was in labor with Tuck and my ex-husband, Tucker got in a car accident on the way to the hospital. Your husband saved him. But I have seen my husband, a man that I loved very much, in critical condition and I do know what that's like."
Meredith remembered all of that. She did not have to be reminded. She had had more than enough traumatic experiences in her lifetime and that was why all of her friends always called her dark and twisty. But it was like this one had broken her.
Two years ago, after the shooting, Meredith was okay, relatively speaking. She did not know why; maybe it had something to do with the fact that she had survived a lot of other dramas. It had been Cristina that suffered from PTSD for months on end.
Cristina was certainly traumatized again but Meredith was too, and she did not think that she could fight anymore. She did not think that she could walk around, pretending like everything was okay because it was not okay… even if Lexie and Derek both miraculously lived, Meredith had jabbed a knife into her sister's chest… she had crushed Derek's hand with a rock… she had watched Jerry be torn to pieces by a pack of wolves… it was her fault…
I don't know if I wanna be a surgeon anymore, Meredith thought to herself and when Bailey looked at her, realized that she had said this out loud.
"Well, lucky for you, you don't have to know that right now," Bailey said. "One way or another, you are not going to be operating on anyone for a very long time. Right now, your only responsibility is to rest, and get better, and be there for your loved ones. You can figure out your future career moves once we're back in Seattle and everyone is stable."
It was a typical Bailey speech. Meredith knew that her mentor was right but she still could not bring herself to discuss the matter. Instead, she glanced in the opposite direction. Across the hall, she could see Thatcher and Richard, an unlikely duo, sharing a conversation.
"I think that's enough for now," Bailey continued after a moment. "You've seen Derek; you know that he's alive. Let's get you back to bed."
"Can I… can I see Lexie?" Meredith asked. "I… I don't have to… to go in her room either. I just… I want to see… that she's alive."
"Not right now," Bailey said. "Lexie had her first surgery earlier today and they're getting ready to bring her back down to the OR soon to finish things up. You can see her tomorrow; she'll still be alive then."
That was not necessarily true and Bailey had to know that, as a surgeon; no one except for God could promise a good outcome in an operation and, as Dr. Burke used to say, I don't often see Him around holding scalpels.
Meredith was unable to voice her concerns though, not without totally breaking down into a bundle of tears so she cleared her throat. "Um… so… so what happened in the first surgery?"
Bailey began pushing Meredith back to her own room as she explained: "In the first surgery, the extremely talented Dr. Sheehan and her team set Lexie's tibia and pelvis. They performed some minor skin grafts on her right shoulder and set her arm. They started to patch up the… the tamponade and drain the excess blood but she was starting to go into respiratory distress so they had to stop. They're going back in now because the stress on her heart has begun to… to cause some minor problems in her lungs."
That was likely only half the story. Meredith was a surgeon, too, and she knew that when the patients were still alive, all doctors tried to give family members a more positive outlook so they did not lose hope. Lexie probably had blood clots in her lungs and was being rushed to the OR for a full thoracotomy.
This was too much. This was entirely too much… if Lexie had died on the scene, if she had suffered a massive hemothorax or something along those lines… it would have been awful but Meredith could have accepted it. She could not deal with this; she could not go this far and then lose both Derek and Lexie inside of Boise Memorial Hospital.
"Well, here we are," Bailey said once they arrived back at Meredith's bed. "You may not be critical but you still need to get your rest. And you can add plane crash to the list of things you've survived."
Meredith sat still again as Bailey and two nurses helped lift her from the wheelchair back onto her mattress. Her ribs were throbbing painfully from all the movement so she took a minute to catch her breath and while she did, she concluded that she did not want Lexie to have surgery here. Boise Memorial was not a bad hospital but they were not a top-ten medical center. There was a reason that Owen had sent a team of surgeons there in the first place, to assist with conjoined twins.
"D-Do you think… is there any way… we could get Lexie… transferred back home?" Meredith asked.
"Right now?" Bailey raised her eyebrows and sat down in the single chair positioned next to Meredith's bed. "I don't think now is the best time for something like that. Everyone needs to stabilize further and Lexie needs this surgery sooner rather than later."
Yes, Meredith was right; Lexie was bleeding out. "She needs the… the best general surgeons in the area and… and I don't think those p-people… are here. Can… can you go… get privileges?"
Bailey hesitated; maybe she had not thought of this idea yet or maybe she had and there was a reason why it was not allowed. Maybe Lexie was already dead. "I… can go see if they think they need any assistance. Are you going to be okay here for a few minutes?"
All Meredith had wanted for the last few hours was to be left alone so she nodded and Bailey disappeared out the door. To Meredith's disappointment, though, she returned only five minutes later and she was carrying a small bag with handles; it looked like she had gone shopping.
"So?" Meredith asked, praying that the contents of Bailey's shopping bag were a set of scrubs from Boise Memorial Hospital.
"Richard is going to scrub in and help with Lexie's surgery and Dr. Sheehan does not anticipate needing anymore hands. If she does, then she can page me but in the meantime, I'm going to stay right here and keep you company," Bailey explained.
Great, Meredith thought to herself and she sighed out of frustration. She knew that Bailey was trying to be helpful and she did appreciate her mentor because Meredith had been alone in the woods for so long. But the part of Meredith that was growing darker and twistier by the hour was wondering if Lexie's situation was really so simple that Dr. Sheehan did not need any additional help or if it was a lost cause.
Trying to ignore the thoughts, Meredith searched her brain for a new topic. "W-What's in the bag?"
"Oh, right… I forgot," Bailey said and handed the bag over to Meredith. "I just saw your father. He asked me to bring you this. He would have brought it himself but since Lexie is headed for surgery, he's talking through a bunch of stuff with her team of doctors."
Inside of the bag was a small box that contained a brand-new iPhone. Meredith had doubted Thatcher's ability to get the right one but this looked like it was the correct model.
"Thank you," Meredith said. She opened the box and turned on the phone so that she could begin recovering all of her lost contacts. It was not like they could be transferred over from a phone that had been burned to pieces. "Can I borrow your phone so… so I can get… my numbers?"
They had mostly the same contacts so Bailey handed her device over. As the former Chief Resident, Bailey had the numbers of almost every employee at Seattle Grace in her phone and that was 99 percent of who Meredith ever wanted to call. Bailey even happened to have Thatcher's contact information, probably in case of emergency when it came to Meredith and Lexie.
It was hard to believe that less than 24 hours ago, all six surgeons were still in the forest, burning with fevers and fighting for their lives. It felt like they remained in the woods at times, yet it also seemed like an eternity ago because Meredith could barely remember what it was like to hold a normal conversation with anyone. As she entered Derek, Cristina, Lexie, Thatcher, Richard, and Bailey into her phone, Meredith sat there on her bed, Bailey by her side, completely silent. Maybe neither of them were quite sure what to say.
Quietly, Meredith added Alex, Callie, Arizona, and Owen to her contacts. She tried not to wonder how Lexie was holding up.
If Meredith had not seen what she had in the last few days, she might not have been so scared but she had spoken with Lexie before she entered her coma. Even on their second and third days in the woods, Lexie had been losing hope, saying that she mainly just wanted to see her mom again and quit fighting. Meredith had talked her into believing for the time being but one could rarely survive a surgery if they wanted to die beforehand.
Lexie could not die. Lexie was the constant in all the other messy, dramatic, and heartbreaking situations at Seattle Grace. She was the naturally happy one, the girl that had grown-up in a loving family with smiley-face posters on her bedroom walls. Lexie had graduated high school as both prom queen and valedictorian; she had a photographic memory and from the moment that Meredith had met her sister, even if she did not want to admit it at the time, she had known that Lexie was going to be an extraordinary surgeon.
That could not all go to waste due to a faulty plane engine or whatever the hell it had been… if it did, then the last memories from home that Meredith would have of Lexie would consist of her crying over boys and babysitting Zola; that was not who Lexie was…
The time seemed to drag on, several eternities on top of each other. Meredith knew that she should be happy now that she was safe in a hospital but she did not feel safe here, not like she would back at Seattle Grace. Here, she felt stationary, useless, away from the action… she wanted to get up and help with Lexie's surgery or at least learn what was happening but she could not stand without help and another piece of Meredith simply wanted to lie in bed forever.
Bailey stayed by her side, sitting in one of the ICU recliners and dozing in and out throughout the evening. Thatcher stopped by once to check on his eldest daughter but when he did, Meredith pretended to be asleep. She did not want to deal with his fake compassion when they both knew all he wanted was to go and wait for news on Lexie.
At 7:00, a lot of the normal ICU visitors were being kicked-out because according to the signs on the hospital walls, visiting hours had come to an end. Special permission was given to the friends and family of the plane crash victims though and Meredith noticed that Bailey, along with a lot of the other Seattle Grace crew members wore stickers on their clothes that read, "SGH-VIP".
"It means that we're special and that we get extra favors because of our pristine surgical technique," Bailey said when Meredith asked, although according to Callie, who stopped by during the mid-afternoon, this was Boise Memorial's method of determining who could be told what information about which patients.
If any individual, doctor or not, wore a sticker that read "SGH-VIP", it meant that they could be updated about any of the Seattle Grace surgeons' conditions.
It was past 8:00 when there was a new knock on Meredith's door frame. She expected a nurse or a resident, here to switch out her IV bags or take her vitals again, like they had been doing throughout the day but instead, her heart leaped when she saw Richard. Lexie's surgery must have come to an end.
"R-Richard…" Meredith whispered; she intended to say more, so much more but her voice had disappeared.
"We were able to close. The cardiac tamponade had a relatively slow bleed; that's the only reason Lexie lived this long," Dr. Webber explained. "Unfortunately, the trauma Lexie sustained had caused an infection that spread deeper than we were aware of, initially. We were forced to perform a pericardial window and take out a portion of her left lung."
A pericardial window… a portion of Lexie's left lung… Meredith had seen those procedures before; she had even assisted in the operations but when it was her little sister on the table, everything was as scary as it would be to someone uneducated in medicine.
"Okay," she forced herself to say. "So… um… where do you think things… stand? Do you think… in your p-professional opinion…?"
Webber thankfully appeared to understand what Meredith was trying to ask so he took over. "For now, we are going to keep Lexie in a medically-induced coma. She's allergic to almost all opioids so if she were to awaken right now, all that would happen is she would experience unbearable pain and possibly damage herself further. We have to let her body heal itself but… as long as her vitals remain stable, she should be ready to regain consciousness in anywhere from three days to two weeks."
Bailey put a big smile on her face. "That's good, Grey! That's good; Lexie's hanging in there."
"Okay," Meredith repeated. She knew that it could be worse but nothing was definite and she felt like if she let herself believe that Lexie was out of the woods, everything would change drastically.
Either way, the exhaustion that Richard must have experienced throughout the last few hours and days was evident on his face. He turned towards Bailey. "I'm going to lay down in the on-call room across the hall; Sheehan said it was alright. I'll be there if you need anything. If you want to swap-out staying with Meredith, wake me up in… I don't know, a few hours."
"Roger that, sir," Bailey agreed and then exhaled like she was relieved, too and spun back around to Meredith. "If you don't want me here, Grey; I don't have to stay but most of the other… um, survivors have someone with them tonight. Cristina's mother is here, Arizona has her parents, and Callie is with Mark. Derek's mom is with him… and based on the situation, you must understand why your father is choosing to be with Lexie."
Meredith was not sure if she understood but it did not matter because she certainly did not want Thatcher there. "Yeah, I know. And honestly, I… I don't really care. I just want to… to go to sleep."
"Then go ahead and sleep, honey," Bailey said and Meredith attempted to ignore how strange it was to hear Bailey call her honey. "I'll be right here next to you if you need anything."
"Just… just try not to… stare at me," Meredith requested and then closed her eyes. But as soon as she did, she was reminded of the images… of Lexie trapped underneath the plane wreckage, and Derek vomiting blood and Meredith hallucinating so she opened her eyes again and looked at Bailey. "Are they… giving me… d-drugs?"
Bailey smirked, sadly. "What kind of drugs? Pain medication?"
"Yeah or… or just something to… knock me out," Meredith said.
"You are getting some low-dose opioids to help with your rib and head pain but I can see about getting you some Trazodone or something as well," Bailey said and she took out her pager. "Also, you'll be pleased to know that a fundraiser has been started by Arizona's parents. It appears that all of the plane crash victims' medical bills will be covered so… so that's one less thing you'll have to worry about."
"That's good… that's nice, I mean of… whoever donated," Meredith said and smiled weakly.
"Yes, and they're working on removing the aircraft from the forest as well. There will be an investigation, of course, on what caused the plane to crash in the first place. There is a chance that it will result in some serious cash for everyone involved."
"Right, um… okay," Meredith said. In truth, she did not care about money. She would already be making a decent amount of money as an attending surgeon and she would trade all the money in the world if it could reverse time and allow the plane to fly to Boise safely.
Because even if Lexie and Derek lived, Jerry was dead. And even if Jerry had lived, everyone that had been in the forest for four days would be forever traumatized. Meredith was not sure if she would ever be able to insert a chest tube again without thinking of Lexie and her pneumothorax. She would never be able to treat a patient suffering from cardiac tamponade.
Most importantly, Meredith knew for a fact that flying on a plane from now on would be terrifying, if not impossible and that if Owen Hunt honestly expected her to get on an aircraft and be flown back to Seattle, like some people were speculating, then he was just as crazy as Cristina.
I know that was super long but there was really no good way to separate the chapters without making them super short and you guys don't seem to like that lol. I hope you enjoyed and if you did, please don't forget to favorite/follow and review!
Also, I just want to say… I know I've said it before but I know this story is angsty and traumatic. I know there hasn't been excessive MerDer yet or any fluff but to be honest, I'm just not that kind of writer. Yes, there will be fluff and MerDer eventually but I just really enjoy writing stories with actual plots and above all, the point of this story is to create a realistic storyline of trauma recovery. Because let's be honest, we never got that in the show. And throughout all the suffering and pain, I think that some really beautiful moments can be created in the midst of that… MerDer comforting one another, for example, is one of my favorite things to write. And soon they will be given that opportunity!
Love you all. Thanks for reading. Xoxo, merderpedia :)