Author's Note- Hi everyone! :) Welcome back. Just so you know, the first part of this chapter is told from Derek's POV and the second half is Meredith's POV. It is rather dramatic and angsty but this should be the last "scary" chapter for MerDer stans like myself. Enjoy!
(I don't own the show "Grey's Anatomy"... If I did, Slexie would still be alive and MerDer would be eternal.)
Roughly two years ago, a mad, grieving widower had unleashed his fury on Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital and in the aftermath of the shooting, Derek realized that he had never genuinely appreciated morphine. Never once had Derek truly known how amazing it was, and why so many patients turned to stronger stuff such as heroin when they ran out… not until he was recovering from a gunshot wound and in indescribable pain.
However, there was a possibility that in those two years since Derek had last been trapped in the ICU, he may have forgotten how wonderful morphine was, because now that he was recovering from a plane crash, he was awed all over again.
Thanks to the morphine, Derek slept most of his full day in Boise. He was surprised with a short visit from his mother but then his blood pressure had become elevated and he fell back into unconsciousness.
Derek woke-up a few times overnight whenever the nurses would come to take his vitals or adjust his medications but those instances were brief and blurry. All Derek knew was that he was afraid because he kept hearing the doctors whispering words like septic and stroke and Derek was supposed to be a doctor, not a patient… he was the neurosurgeon; he could not have a stroke…
And then suddenly, Derek was awake. Sunlight was shining through the windows of his hospital room and he was greeted with a fresh onslaught of pain, throbs that were coursing through his entire body, making it impossible to sleep.
With what little energy he could muster, Derek slid his good hand over to the side of his bed and rammed his fingers onto the call button. Within seconds, a nurse with bright red hair made her way into his room. There was something odd about her; she reminded Derek of his ex-wife, Addison.
"Good morning, Dr. Shepherd. How are you feeling today?" the redhead asked.
"Hurts…" Derek moaned and motioned towards his IV. "Can't you… can't you give me… m-more… m-morphine?"
"We can very shortly," the redhead replied. "Dr. Olson wanted to speak with you today before we administer the pain medications though because whenever we do, it seems that you immediately fall unconscious."
Derek nodded shortly. "Yeah, okay… just… make it fast."
"Right away, Dr. Shepherd," the redhead agreed and she walked back out of the room.
Less than five minutes later, the door swung open again and this time, the familiar face of Seth Olson smiled its way inside. "How are we feeling today, Derek?"
"Not… g-great," Derek admitted even though he remembered the aftermath of getting shot and he knew that the day after surgery was usually the toughest.
"I know and I'm sorry to hear that. We'll try and make you as comfortable as possible but you're going to have to stay here for at least a few more days," Seth said. "Can I get you anything? Do you feel like maybe eating some breakfast?"
Derek knew that he should eat because he had not consumed anything in over five days. Ever since coming to the hospital in Boise, he had been receiving nutrients intravenously but it would be good if he could actually get food in his stomach.
"I… I guess I can… try," Derek said. "Can I… see my wife… do you think?"
"I will go and see if she's awake and up for visiting," Seth said and he left, too.
Meredith must have been feeling alright because another five minutes later, the door opened for a third time and Derek looked up to see his wife being pushed inside on a wheelchair, Richard Webber behind her. The latter did not cause much fuss; he simply left Meredith next to Derek's bed and then scampered out of the room, not wanting to be around for a potentially romantic conversation.
"Hi," Meredith said and Derek felt her warm, soft hand touch his own. "You look better."
That had to be a lie because Derek did not feel better and he knew that he could not look good either. But he went along with it. "Yeah, um… thanks… you, too."
"Did you hear about Lexie?" Meredith asked.
"W-What happened… to Lexie…?"
"She was just… in surgery, all day yesterday," Meredith said. "They stabilized her bones and cleaned up her chest wound… but then the bleeding got worse and she got an infection. They had to crack her chest, do a thoracotomy… pericardial window… they took out part of her left lung. They're keeping her in a medically-induced coma for now but they think that she might be able to come out of it in a few days."
Never in his life had Derek felt so useless. At least during the shooting, when Derek had been recovering, Meredith was uninjured, or so he had thought at the time. It was not until several months later that Derek learned about his wife's miscarriage. Still, right now, it was heartbreaking to watch Meredith talk as if she was describing an ordinary patient's condition but with tears in her eyes and fear in her voice. Derek wanted to do something, to comfort her.
"Oh, God, no… I'm… I'm so sorry… Mer," Derek whispered.
"Don't be… she's not dead. Webber helped with her surgery," Meredith said.
Just then, the door opened for a fourth time. The same redheaded nurse that was here moments before walked inside with a tray in her outstretched hands. Meredith took the tray for Derek and then placed it on the adjustable table in front of his bed.
"I think this is everyone's first meal when they get rescued. It's what I had, too," Meredith said and Derek looked down to see a small bowl of chicken broth, some applesauce, and a glass of orange juice.
"It uh… it looks good," Derek said but that was a lie. He was not sure why but the meal did not look good at all and that was coming from someone who had not eaten a bite in over five days. Normally even hospital food would be appetizing by this point.
Starting off slowly, Derek reached forward and grasped the cup of juice firmly in his good hand. Bringing the glass to his lips alone required a lot of strength and then swallowing the liquid was more work.
"It's amazing to have flavor again, isn't it?" guessed Meredith.
"Yeah," Derek lied again and took a deep breath. He was beginning to feel slightly nauseous and he was not sure why… nausea was a common side-effect when first coming out of anesthesia or when starting a painkiller such as morphine but Derek was doing neither.
Meredith must have been able to sense that her husband was in pain though, in some form or another; she scooted closer to the bed and rubbed his hair gently. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"I mean… I mean, none of us are… really okay, are we?" Derek said and tried to control his breathing. "We're… we're in a plane crash…"
"Not anymore… we were in a plane crash but… but now we're in a hospital and… and don't worry. We're going to get your hand fixed. You're going to operate again," Meredith insisted.
But for once, that was not at all what Derek was thinking about… he pushed the rest of his food away, hastily. "Mer, I… I need you to… to go get… Dr. Olson."
"What's wrong?" Meredith asked, alarm in her voice.
"I'm not sure but… but something's wrong. I feel… really sick and it's like… there's a lot of pain through my… my abdomen," Derek said.
Meredith's face was lined with worry. She stood up- she was clearly feeling better- and slowly made her way to the doorway; Derek heard her yell, "Page Olson 911!"
911… am I dying? Derek thought but that was stupid. He was not dying; he was being dramatic without his morphine and nauseous for some unknown reason.
"It's okay; he's coming," Meredith said seconds later when she returned to Derek's bedside and her warm hand touched his again; another hand stroked his forehead. "You're okay… I know you're not coding or anything but I had him paged 911 just so he'd get here…"
But suddenly, Meredith's explanation was interrupted. It was like someone had punched Derek in the stomach. He lurched forward and vomited onto Meredith's hand, across his entire bed. He was gagging and gasping and could not catch his breath and it was only when Meredith was screaming for help and the nurses were running inside that Derek realized his vomit had been bright red… he was vomiting blood…
Dr. Olson arrived just in time, just as Derek was continuing to throw-up into a basin that Meredith had retrieved for him. "It's the blood thinners. Derek, you're bleeding out. We need to get you to surgery right away."
Bleeding out… I am dying, Derek thought. I'm dying and Meredith is going to watch me die…
The ICU was filling with what seemed like dozens more people. Owen was here; he was guiding Meredith away and it sounded like Webber who was standing nearby, pushing an oxygen mask onto Derek's face. His voice was there, strong and comforting. "Stay calm; you're going to be fine…"
Everything was rushing by in a blur. Derek was in the ICU and then he was in an elevator and then he was on the surgical floor. He was so cold; he could practically feel the blood draining from his vital organs… Derek was lying on the Seattle Grace catwalk, blood spewing from the bullethole in his chest…
"Hold the door!" Webber screamed at someone beyond Derek's range of vision. "We need this OR right now! Not in an hour… RIGHT NOW!"
"Get the crash cart!" someone else ordered and for some reason, Derek did not think that the crash cart was being requested for a different patient. Webber would not be kicking someone else out of an OR if they were on the brink of cardiac arrest. Something had gone drastically wrong in his own care and Derek was going to die…
The doors buzzed open and the team of doctors and nurses sprinted into the OR, pushing Derek in his gurney as they went. Derek had a feeling that he briefly lost consciousness because he did not remember how he had gotten onto the table at all but here he was and there was Webber, finished scrubbing, and somewhere nearby, the anesthesiologist was ready for sedation…
"W-Wait…" Derek begged, coughing and choking on his own blood as he spoke.
"Derek, we can't wait. We have to get you open right now; you're bleeding into your lungs. You're drowning in your own blood," Webber said. "Don't worry. Everything is going to be fine. I'm going to do everything I can."
"Wait…" Derek repeated and cleared his mouth just long enough to whisper, "P-Please tell… tell M-Meredith… I love her…"
"You can tell her that yourself once you wake-up after surgery," Webber said. "And don't you go thinking like that before you go under… you're okay; you know I've seen worse and…"
Derek thought that Webber continued talking. It was not like him to just cut off mid-sentence but his voice faded away. The familiar sights and sounds and smells of the OR disappeared and Derek was left alone in a blur of blackness and fear… he was never going to see Meredith or Zola again…
MTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTBMTB
"Meredith, what can I do? What can I do, baby girl?"
That was probably the thousandth time that Thatcher Grey had asked his daughter those same questions, all in the last half-hour. For the first time in almost 24 hours, he had left Lexie's side and instead come to sit with his eldest child but not for any good reason.
Meredith was sitting up in bed, staring across her room in the ICU with a blank, lifeless expression on her face. Her eyes were dead, her brain attempting with all its might to block out what it had seen thus far today but that was impossible because as Meredith had learned numerous times throughout her life, bad memories surpassed good ones. It was much easier to recall the worst moments of your life than it was to think about the best.
Today had started out good, too… or at least as good as possible. Meredith had woken up feeling physically stronger and as a result, managed to order and eat a piece of french toast and an apple for breakfast.
Dr. Carson had given Meredith permission to get out of bed and ambulate to the restroom as needed. She never imagined that she would be so happy to be able to use the bathroom by herself but it was glorious and finally, Meredith had even gotten a little bit of alone time with Webber, Bailey, and Thatcher all occupied with other patients.
In mid-morning, Dr. Olson, Derek's doctor had peeked into her ICU room and asked if Meredith would be willing to go visit her husband. That was an easy decision to make; Meredith eagerly got into a wheelchair and allowed Webber to push her down the hall. It was so good to see Derek even if he was in pain. It was good to update him about the others and hold his hand…
And then everything had gone to pieces. Derek was going pale and he was asking for help which was so unlike him. Right after Meredith had yelled for Dr. Olson, Derek had begun vomiting blood and he had to be rushed off to surgery. Meredith, understandably, had lost it completely and it took Owen and Bailey together to hold her back as she screamed and cried.
Now Meredith was back in bed because she knew that there was nothing she could personally do for Derek at the moment; he was in surgery. And here was her father, sitting next to her, begging for a response, calling her baby girl and pretending like he was a loving father…
Well, okay… to be fair, Thatcher was a father and he did love Lexie and Molly. Maybe he loved Meredith, too, but no matter how much she faked it, Meredith knew that she would never be able to honestly call him Dad, to think of him as her parent.
"Meredith," Thatcher repeated for the millionth time. "Meredith, you know this is taking a lot for me but Richard Webber is an incredible surgeon and you know that. I'm sure he'll be able to fix Derek without any problems at all."
Meredith did not reply. She continued staring at her television but she could not have told anyone what was showing if they asked. She was thinking only of Derek and the way that she had frozen on the first day of her intern year when she realized that her one-night-stand was actually an attending neurosurgeon…
"Can I get you anything, baby girl? Do you want me to… to get you some anxiety medicine?" Thatcher offered.
"I want you to go away," Meredith finally managed to say and she did not regret her words.
"But… don't get me wrong, Meredith, I will, I will but… don't you think you maybe need…"
"I don't need anything besides… besides someone to tell me that my husband is going to be alright. If you can't give that to me, you need to leave the room, go back with Lexie, and hope that I don't call security on you," Meredith said and thankfully, Thatcher did as he was told.
It was not fair. What had Derek ever done to deserve this? Meredith had made plenty of mistakes in her life and alright, Derek had as well; he was not perfect. But he was a good and decent man with honorable intentions. He wanted to do good in work, life, and everything in between. If someone had to die, it should be Meredith because if Zola was going to be half-orphaned, it was doubtlessly Derek that would make a better parent.
Thatcher had been gone and Meredith had been alone for almost a half hour when the latter picked up her new iPhone and scrolled through her contacts. She had no clue at all why she was doing this but if Derek was really going to die, she felt an obligation to be a good person, too.
Addison Montgomery answered hesitantly. "...Hello? Er… I mean… this is Dr. Addison Montgomery; how can I help you?"
"Hi, Addison. It's Meredith."
"Meredith," Addison repeated, sounding stunned. "I saw your name on… well, I saw you and Derek on… I'm so glad both of you are alright."
There was a good chance that this was an exaggeration. Addison was a decent person as well, so she probably was not wishing for Meredith's death but Meredith was and always would be the dirty mistress who stole Addison's husband. Meredith was not sure if she could truthfully pray for that woman's survival if she was in Addison's place.
But now was not the time to mention that. Meredith took a deep, shaky breath in an effort to minimize her tears and then whispered, "D-Derek's… he's going… to die."
There was a long pause, a silence that spoke a thousand words and then Addison's voice returned, shaky and soft. "...Are you sure? What happened? I saw, I read… he was critical but stable…"
"They were keeping his bleeding under control with Aprotinin but… but they had to take him off of it, I think because his BP was too high. He was going to stroke out. He started vomiting blood, bleeding out and… and he's in surgery with Webber right now," Meredith said.
"Okay," Addison agreed, in a monotone. "Okay, well… that does not mean he's going to die, Meredith. You know as well as I do that Richard Webber is one of the greatest surgeons in the country, possibly even the world."
Meredith did not reply; she knew that Addison would understand. Sometimes, even when the odds pointed in a certain direction, it was simply impossible to be comforted and this was one of those situations.
Luckily, Addison seemed to interpret this and sighed. "Keep me updated, okay? Let me know if I need to get on a helicopter."
"I will," Meredith said and then she hung-up just as her door was inched open.
Ever since Thatcher had been kicked out, no one had been inside to visit Meredith and that was no coincidence. Even in her catatonic state of shock and grief, Meredith had heard a few voices out in the hallway- Bailey's, possibly- instructing visitors to give Meredith her space. Now, though, someone was defying those orders and Meredith cleared her throat, prepared to scream at whoever thought they were special enough to change her outlook.
Carolyn Shepherd walked inside, her face pale and eyes red. Meredith had only met Derek's mother three times before- and then spoken to her on the phone yesterday- but at moments like these, it was like they had known each other forever.
Meredith forced a small, broken smile onto her face that she hoped portrayed her feelings- her feelings of guilt, for getting Derek involved in another life-threatening situation and her feelings of relation because they both desired the same thing.
"Sweetie," Carolyn said and suddenly rushed over to her daughter-in-law's bedside where she embraced Meredith in a hug. "Sweetheart, I know I told you before but I have to tell you again… I am so glad that you're alright."
"Um… you are?" Meredith found herself asking.
"Of course I am. You're my family; you're my daughter even if you don't consider me your mother," Carolyn admitted.
This was a surprise. Meredith was never under the impression that Carolyn liked her all that much. "Oh, um… yeah, okay… have you heard anything from Dr. Webber?"
"No, Dr. Webber has been busy in surgery and personally, I wouldn't want him to take the time to update us. Bailey's going to see if she can find any information though," Carolyn sighed. "I'm so sorry, Meredith. I'm so sorry for all you've been through."
Meredith shook her head. "No, I'm sorry… it seems like ever since Derek met me… I don't know; it's been hard for everyone."
"You're very kind but don't blame yourself, Meredith. Derek's life would have gone downhill a lot faster if he hadn't met you. Don't you remember what I told you about… about how you help him see the shades of grey?"
"Yeah, I know but… but Derek's smart. I think he… would have figured that out anyway," Meredith said and averted her eyes from Carolyn's face. She did not want anyone to end up crying and making this a dramatic, Hallmark moment.
But even with averted eyes, Meredith could see Carolyn shrug. "I'm not so sure about that. Derek's been brilliant his whole life; it's how he became a neurosurgeon in the first place. He never figured out the shades of grey with Addison; that's for sure. You've made him into a better person, a stronger person."
Meredith did not say anything. How could she? How was anyone supposed to respond to that?
Instead, she changed the subject. "Have you gotten to… to see Mark at all?"
"I did. I actually just came from visiting him; he's doing better," Carolyn said and then she smiled. "When is he ever going to marry that sister of yours?"
Meredith froze momentarily and for the first time in an hour, her mind wandered somewhere other than Derek. "Oh, um… well, Mark's actually been dating this… other girl… Julia. She works at Seattle Presbyterian."
"Yeah, I know and that's what he tells me too, but come on, Meredith. You can't tell me that Mark doesn't still love Lexie. Does she still love him? Or has she moved on?"
"I'm not sure," Meredith said but Carolyn did not appear satisfied so she continued. "I think Lexie still loves him… she was talking with me about that, a little bit when… when we were still in the forest. But I don't know how things are… gonna be after all this, assuming… assuming that Lexie even survives… she was also talking about how she's been focusing too much on… on boys and wants more out of… herself."
Carolyn nodded. "Well, I'm glad to hear it. I'm glad to hear that Lexie is a good girl. She's your sister, so of course she is, but still… I think that she's a good influence on him, too… on Mark."
Meredith nodded, too, but more in a polite manner than actual agreement. Not long ago, there had been a time where Meredith and Derek were both actively campaigning to keep Mark away from Lexie so that he would not ruin her innocence. Ever since then, though they had fallen in love and Meredith knew from the bottom of her heart that Lexie's other boyfriends- Alex and Jackson, for example- did not compare. Mark was who made Lexie happier than she had ever been and it was Mark who Meredith could imagine marrying her sister in a beautiful, outdoor ceremony.
The two women who knew Derek best sat together for a little longer. Meredith was not exactly comfortable but she was not uncomfortable enough to ask Carolyn to leave; she knew that they were both suffering immensely about the same possibility.
Personally, Meredith could not picture living in a world that did not include Derek Shepherd, whether he was a surgeon or not. She had never wanted to rely on a man or rely on anyone for that matter, but just like Lexie had fallen in love with Mark, Meredith was Derek's, for all eternity. If he were to die… no, Meredith would not kill herself because she had Zola to think about now but she could imagine herself doing what her mother had and running away from Seattle.
We would go to Boston, Meredith thought to herself. We were planning on going to Boston anyway. Zola and I would move to Boston and I would make new friends, a new world for myself at Brigham. I would bust my ass to make sure that Lexie still got that fellowship at Harvard…
But what if Lexie did not even survive? Meredith could not lose both Derek and Lexie. She would be broken beyond repair, damaged forever and while Meredith had always been dark and twisty, this would be a new level of loneliness.
Suddenly, there was a gentle knock on the door. Meredith looked up and Carolyn did too; surely, this was Bailey bringing an update on how Derek's surgery was progressing.
It was not Bailey, though. It was Dr. Webber, dressed in the aqua-colored scrubs of Boise Memorial Hospital, his entire front covered with blood… Derek's blood. Meredith found herself clutching the hand of her mother-in-law, ready yet unprepared for her world to be shredded. There was no possible way that they were all making it out of the woods alive.
"He's… he's in recovery," Webber sighed, his voice exhausted beyond measure. "We repaired the lung and the liver and put him on several rounds of antibiotics. He'll need several more surgeries for the hand but… he's going to be fine. Come on, Meredith… you should be there when he wakes up."
Okay, I know it was scary but there is a reason I had to do that to Derek and it's not because I'm an awful person. AND I will tell you guys that Derek is fixed now, physically. His lung and liver are repaired and it's only up from here. (No, I won't pull a Shonda and make you think that Derek's fine before ultimately killing him. I hope you know me better than that.)
Anyway, not only was that the last scary MerDer chapter but that is the last chapter that takes place purely in Boise, too! The next chapter should include the surgeons being flown back to Seattle and reuniting with more family and friends including Alex and Zola.
Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate you all so, so much. If you enjoyed this chapter please don't forget to follow/favorite and leave a review. I know it seems like a little thing to ask for but reviews seriously mean SO much to me because then I know what you guys did/didn't like. And let's be honest… I work super hard on these chapters and to quote Katie and Alicia ( KAFanFic on Twitter)… it's nice to water the writer.
I hope you enjoyed! Chapter 17 coming soon. Xoxo, merderpedia :)