Author's Note- Sorry for the delay! I just don't like to post chapters until I am 100% confident in them but the good news is, this chapter is SUPER long! Enjoy!
Alex and Meredith did not say a word to one another until they made it down to the hospital lobby and thankfully, Zola was quiet as well. The first thing that prompted Meredith out of the trance was her father who was standing in the lobby, his arms open wide, ecstatic to meet his granddaughter.
"There's my girl!" Thatcher cried, smiling as his family approached. "Can I hold her, Meredith? Please?"
"Um… yeah, of course," Meredith said and carefully passed Zola over to her father. "Zo-Zo, this is… this is Grandpa. Yeah, this is Grandpa. Say hi."
Zola made a series of odd, baby noises but they sounded pleasant and Thatcher grinned again. "Hi, Zola! It's nice to meet you… maybe your mom would let you come stay with me sometime… we could have a movie night… watch movies and eat lots of sugar."
"Yeah, well… remember that both of her parents are doctors," Meredith said, hoping that she did not sound too bitter. Seeing Lexie had renewed her desire to be nicer to her father. It would be awful if Lexie woke-up and saw that Meredith had not kept her promises.
Thatcher held Zola for a few seconds longer, and bounced her up and down just like he had with Molly's baby. Finally, he handed her back over to Alex who got Zola situated in her stroller and Meredith realized that Thatcher had tears in his eyes. "She's… she's beautiful, Mer."
"Thank you," Meredith smiled. "Well, um… I guess we're gonna get going. Are you gonna stay up here with Lexie?"
"Yeah, I have to; she's still critical and Molly is here; she just ran to the bathroom," Thatcher said. "Believe me, Meredith… if you and Lexie were flipped, I'd still be here. I wouldn't leave your side for a second if you were… you know…"
Meredith nodded to spare them both the misery. "Yeah… I know. Thanks."
She started to head in the opposite direction when Thatcher stopped her with a gentle touch to her shoulder. "Hold on, Meredith… if you don't mind… Molly should be back in a second and I know she really wants to meet you."
"I… I don't know if this is a good time," Meredith sighed and she wanted to say more. She wanted to explain how she had never felt more unlike herself and wanted nothing more than to escape this hospital but before she could mention any of that, Thatcher perked-up again.
"Oh, here she is now! Here's Molly…"
A thin young woman with dark blonde hair and a shy face approached their circle. She was carrying a huge, plush teddy bear in her arms, doubtlessly for Lexie, along with a bouquet of yellow carnations and a balloon that read, Get Well Soon! Meredith had last seen this girl over four years ago, during her internship, on the day of Susan's funeral… it was remarkable, to be honest, how much Molly looked like Susan. She bore her mother's resemblance much more than Lexie.
"Hey, sweetheart," Thatcher said and put an arm around his youngest daughter's back. "I know you've met before but… before we go up, I want to introduce you two real quick. Molly, this is your oldest sister, Meredith… Meredith, this is my Molly."
Meredith opened her mouth and meant to greet her sister but nothing came out. It was Molly that spoke first in a stunned voice. "You… you were the doctor in my delivery. W-When I had Laura, you were the one in there that said she wasn't breathing."
"Oh," Meredith said and then realized that she sounded really stupid. "Oh, I mean… yeah, I guess I was… um… it's nice to meet you… again, Molly."
"Yeah, it's nice to finally meet my other sister," Molly agreed.
"Yeah," Meredith repeated and there was an awkward silence as they all stared at one another. A new subject was needed, desperately. "Um… so how's Laura?"
Molly smiled, softly. "Laura's great. She's four years old now and full of energy. You can't tell that anything was ever wrong. I have another baby now, too, a son; I'm not sure if you knew… Aiden. He's just a year old and… absolutely hilarious. Do you have kids?"
"I have one little girl, too… she's almost 18 months," Meredith said and then pointed over to where Alex was helping Zola get situated. "That's her, right there. She's… she's adopted, obviously but… her name is Zola… Zola Grey Shepherd."
"Can I go meet her?" Molly asked, her eyes wide.
Meredith paused again; she did not want to be rude but there were approximately ten thousand other things on her mind currently. "Um… maybe later. She just met her grandfather for the first time, too and… and look, I'm sorry but this is… a lot, right now… for, for me… I'm sure we can… um… catch up later?"
"Yeah, please," Molly begged. "You're my sister and even if you don't want to know me, I'd really like to know you. Lexie's told me so much about you."
Not entirely sure how to respond, Meredith smiled, weakly. "I'm sure she… I mean, yeah… Lexie's… Lexie's amazing. I love her very much and… and she should hopefully wake-up soon, in the next few days. Are you guys gonna go see her… Dad?"
It was the first time in her entire life that Meredith had called Thatcher Dad… or at least the first time since Meredith was five years old. It felt strange and wrong but she wanted to do it in front of Molly so that if Lexie asked later, she would know that Meredith had kept her promises. Plus, it probably gave Molly the impression that Meredith was a halfway decent human being.
The title had clearly startled Thatcher though, and he was looking at Meredith with stars in his eyes. "Oh… oh, yes! We're going to do that right now. You ready, Molly?"
"I'm ready," Molly said and the two of them wandered off towards the elevators. Meredith noticed that Thatcher also had a card in his back pocket, a Get Well letter for Lexie.
But she did not have to think about her biological family anymore. Meredith took a deep breath and faced Alex again. "Okay, can we go now?"
"That was painful, wasn't it?" Alex smirked; he understood the struggle; he had his own issues with his family in Iowa.
"Very," Meredith acknowledged.
They were just about to walk through the front doors of Seattle Grace when Alex stopped short again and put his hand on Meredith's shoulder. "By the way, Mer… uh, you might wanna prepare yourself."
"Why?"
"Because, well… if you didn't know, this whole plane crash thing has kinda gotten a shit ton of media attention. News-stations and everything have been camped out here for a week. I don't know how but I think they've gotten word that one of the survivors is being discharged today and they're probably gonna have a lot to ask you. I mean, security will walk us out and everything but… still," Alex explained.
It made sense but that did not make this piece of information anymore acceptable to Meredith who just wanted to get home and lie down in her own bed. "Okay, then. I'll prepare myself."
There was no way that Meredith could prepare herself though, for the chaos that hit her as soon as she walked out into the sunshine. There were cameras everywhere, microphones and flashes of light; questions were being thrown at her from all directions.
"Dr. Grey, how are you feeling? Are you happy to be out of the hospital?"
"How are the other surgeons holding up, Dr. Grey?"
"Did you ever think that you were going to be found out in the woods, Dr. Grey?"
"Dr. Grey, how did you manage to survive without any medical treatment?"
Security was there, blocking the reporters from actually touching Meredith but she was still overwhelmed. She clutched Alex's hand tightly, afraid that she might pass-out. A nearby television screen, which was mounted on a tripod or something was showing her discharge live; Meredith was even paler and thinner on camera.
A huge, red heading across the screen read: "FIRST OF SEATTLE SURGEONS RELEASED FROM HOSPITAL FOLLOWING PLANE CRASH"... why was this breaking news?
"Do you think you can run?" Alex asked Meredith as the journalists closed-in, cornering their prey.
"I… I can barely walk," Meredith replied so security called for back-up and three huge officers ended up having to escort the two doctors all the way over to Alex's Volvo which was parked a few rows into the lot.
Everyone barely got inside before the film crews went chasing after them. With Zola laughing in the backseat, under the impression that the entire thing was a game, Alex took off, slamming his foot onto the gas pedal.
A few minutes later, they screeched to a stop in front of Meredith's childhood home which had never looked quite so beautiful.
"You're gonna stay here, right? Like, at least until Derek gets discharged?" Meredith asked as they carried Zola inside the house.
"Yeah, of course," Alex said. "I mean, it's not like I have anywhere else to go."
Inside, he personally laid Zola down for her nap so that his friend would have time to readjust herself.
"Do you want anything to eat?" Alex offered once Meredith was sitting down on her living room couch, staring idly at a blank television. "We could order pizza or something, if you want."
Maybe Meredith was supposed to be hungry; she still had not eaten much since being rescued. Her largest meal had consisted of the vegetables and hummus that her father had ordered the night before. The entire time that Meredith had been in the woods, she had been starving but now, food did not seem like a priority.
"I'm okay for now," Meredith said.
"Okay, well I'm gonna order pizza and you can have some if you get hungry later," Alex said and picked up his phone. Meredith spaced out on the couch, trying not to let the dark images creep into her mind. She did not realize that Alex had finished ordering pizza until he sat down next to her. "So… what now?"
It was possibly the most difficult question that anyone had ever asked Meredith. She continued staring at the television with a blank expression on her face. "I'm… not sure."
"Do you wanna watch a movie or something?" Alex suggested.
"No…"
"Do you wanna take a shower? Change clothes?"
Meredith's ribs were still hurting badly and she doubted that she was going to be able to do either of those things by herself. "No…"
"Do you wanna… go to sleep?"
"I don't know…"
Alex sighed and rubbed Meredith on the shoulder, softly. "Um… Mer… I, I don't mean this in a… bad way or anything; I know I could be totally off. But… you're not, like… having bad thoughts or anything, are you? You're not wanting to… hurt yourself or… or kill yourself?"
A lot of people had already asked Meredith that; it was a logical question but Meredith could not help but wonder if Alex was comparing her to Rebecca, also known as Ava, also known as the crazy girl that Alex had dated during their second year of residency. She had underlying Borderline Personality Disorder, had slit her wrists in Meredith's kitchen and peed on their couch.
Was that who Meredith was morphing into? She turned her head to look at Alex slowly, and then pieced the words in her head together enough that she managed to shake her head. "I'm… no… I'm… I'm fine."
"Okay," Alex said. "Do you want some of your medicine? Bailey said she was giving you medicine… um… antibiotics and stuff to help with your pain."
Meredith was only going to get so many of those pain pills. Any doctor, Bailey included, knew the dangers of opioid addiction and right now, Meredith's pain was not unmanageable. "No… I'm fine."
"Okay," Alex repeated.
The pizza arrived a few minutes later. The doorbell rang and it startled Meredith, although she was not really sure why. Alex carried the pie inside, and then served Meredith a single piece of pepperoni pizza on a paper plate. "I know you said that you weren't hungry but you really should try to eat something."
"Okay," Meredith said and she took a bite. It was the first non-hospital food that she had consumed in over a week but just like everything else in her life, it was not all that she remembered prior to the plane crash. Before the plane crash, pizza was flavorful comfort food. Now, it was bland and simple.
Over the next five minutes, Meredith thought that she might have consumed a few more bites but then she lost interest in the food. She set down her half-empty paper plate on the living room table and continued to stare at the blank television, borderline catatonic, until Alex finished his dinner and approached her again.
"Are you full?"
"Yeah," Meredith said.
"Okay, well… we're gonna get you upstairs and changed. Do you want to take a shower now or in the morning?"
Meredith did not care when she showered. She did not care about anything. "I… don't care but… I'm not sure if I can shower. Um… my ribs… they still hurt. And I don't want you to see me naked."
"Believe me, I don't want to see that either but I won't look. I'll just help you get in; you can probably wash your body and then I'll help with your hair when you're done. You can take a bath, too; that might make it easier. Does that sound okay?" Alex suggested.
It was pathetic but Meredith could not think of a better plan so she agreed. After Alex helped her climb the stairs of her childhood home, she stood in the bathroom silently while he peeled off her Dartmouth t-shirt and lacy bra. Meredith was able to step out of her jeans by herself and she was preparing to step into the tub when she noticed that contrary to his promise, Alex was staring but he was not looking at Meredith in a sexual way.
His face was shocked, slightly pale, disgusted and Meredith remembered that she had a lot of much larger bruises and lacerations on her body that had been previously hidden by her clothes. Meredith's upper thigh still had stitches holding it together and there was a massive, dark bruise on Meredith's abdomen, near her ribs. It looked worse than it did after the initial crash.
There was nothing that Meredith could say to make this better though so she carefully climbed into the bathtub which was filled with hot, soapy water and leaned backwards. She thought about all the times that she had taken baths here, with Derek… how they had had sex here, countless times. Meredith thought about the time that she had tried to drown herself in the bathtub.
Slowly, Meredith began to sink further down into the water, away from Alex, away from the memories of the plane crash, away from life. Just as she was about to submerge herself entirely into the soap, Derek reached his hands down and yanked Meredith upwards, out of the water, and held her by the shoulders…
It was not Derek. It was Alex and he was looking at Meredith like she was crazy. "Hey… you need to sit up, okay? Sit up so I can help you."
"Okay," Meredith said and she sat perfectly still; she stared at the bathroom wall as Alex helped her clean her arms and legs, her back and her chest. He was especially gentle with her abdomen.
When all of that was finished, Alex squirted a bunch of shampoo into his hand and then began softly rubbing it through Meredith's head, careful once again because of her still-healing head injury. Meredith had been given bed-baths at Boise Memorial by the nightshift nurses but this was the first time that she had really been cleaned since spending four days in the woods. Beneath all the numbness and pain, she did think that it felt good.
"Time to rinse," Alex said; he filled a spare cup with bathwater and then poured it over Meredith's head, perhaps not wanting to risk her leaning backwards.
The bath seemed to take forever but when it was eventually completed, Alex helped Meredith step back out of the tub and wrapped her with a huge, white towel. He fetched another set of clothes for her from the bedroom- a standard set of matching, blue pajamas along with some soft, cotton underwear and helped her dress herself.
Alex even combed some of the worst knots out of Meredith's hair until she was wincing from the pain of her concussion, and then he stopped and helped blow-dry her hair.
"Let's take your medicine now," Alex said when Meredith was sitting on her bed, her own, beautiful bed for the first time in over a week. "Let's see… Amoxicillin, Hydrocodone, Trazodone… at least they're giving you some good drugs."
He handed her the three pills in a small paper cup which Meredith chased with a swallow of water. She laid down in bed and allowed Alex to pull the covers up over her.
"I'm right next door if you need anything, okay?" Alex reminded her before he left. "But I think you'll be okay. When I was on Hydrocodone for the GSW, it knocked me right out and you have Trazodone, too."
Meredith nodded, robotically. She was really home, with her own bed to sleep in… the post-it note symbolizing her and Derek's love for one another was hanging on the wall and thus far, everyone that she loved was alive… why did Meredith not feel better?
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When Meredith was in the middle of a shift, most of the time, the hours all blurred together. She was in and out of surgeries, running around in the emergency room, and even at 1:00 in the morning, it could have just as well been 1:00 in the afternoon. Regular sleep schedules did not exist for most doctors.
Maybe that was why it felt so wrong for Meredith to be home, tucked into bed early with no work of any kind on her schedule for the next few weeks. Maybe that was why, at 1:00 in the morning, despite her ultimate exhaustion, Meredith was lying in her bed, wide awake, wondering if the trees blowing outside were really outside at all… what if they came inside the house? What if Meredith was in the forest again, listening to the wolves rip apart Jerry and watching as life drained out of her husband and sister?
Let the medications take effect. The morphine knocked you out fine in Boise, Meredith told herself on so many occasions. There were currently ten milligrams of hydrocodone running through her system and fifty milligrams of Trazodone but it was like her body was fighting the drugs. It wanted to keep itself awake and alert because surely, another crisis would soon manifest and Meredith would need to be ready.
What if Lexie was coding? What if Derek was having a stroke? Meredith could not operate on either of them even if she wanted to but she could be at Seattle Grace, where she felt most comfortable.
What if something was wrong with Zola? What if Zola never truly trusted her parents again? She was only 18 months old but her parents had told her that they would be back from Boise in one day and she had not seen them in over a week. That was something Meredith's mother would have done and the thought of Zola downing tequila shots and sleeping around made Meredith want to throw-up.
For hours, Meredith tossed and turned, wincing from her ever-present aches and pains, sure that one of her loved ones were dying, sure that a pack of wolves were about to jump out and eat her for dinner.
At approximately 2:00 in the morning, Meredith could take it no longer. She forced herself to sit up in bed and then found herself wandering down the hallway of her house. She walked into the spare bedroom that Alex was occupying at the moment. He was fast asleep, relieved probably, that things were finally turning around.
Meredith poked him in the shoulder and Alex snapped awake. "Huh, what?! What happened?!"
"Hi," Meredith said and sat down on the edge of the bed, like she did with patients.
"Um… hey, are you okay? Do you need anything?" Alex asked. It was Meredith's home but at this moment in time, she was clearly the one who deserved assistance.
"Yeah… I need you to go up to the hospital for me. I'm not allowed to drive yet and even if I was, I'm not sure I really… remember how. I need you to check on Derek and Lexie for me and I need you to bring me some stronger drugs for sedation," Meredith explained.
Alex yawned to further wake himself, rubbed his eyes, and sat up in bed. "Mer… Shepherd's fine and so is Lexie. They would have called you if anything was wrong."
"No, I… I don't know if they would. I think Bailey and… and everyone else is pretty determined to let me sleep tonight and… and anyway, I need to know if they're okay. P-Please, can you please just go up to the hospital and bring me some drugs?" Meredith begged.
"You already have drugs… good drugs," Alex snorted. "Why do you want more; is it really hurting that bad?"
"No, I… I just can't sleep. And I'm not gonna sleep until someone sedates me because I'm pretty sure the trees outside are… well, never mind," Meredith said. She had become aware just how crazy she sounded.
But Alex was nodding slowly, like he figured something like this would happen. "Um… okay, how about… how about we just call up to the ICU? Would that be okay? The nurses can give us a report on Shepherd and Lexie."
"I don't want a nursing report. I want a medical report. Who's on call tonight; do you know?"
"I'll uh… find out," Alex said. "Just give me a minute. Go in my bathroom; there should be some melatonin in the cabinet."
Melatonin was not going to do the job. Melatonin was something that Meredith might have taken after a 24-hour shift when her adrenaline was running too high to sleep. It was not to be used for acute PTSD and Alex had to know that.
Still, he was trying so Meredith did as she was told and went into the bathroom. She swallowed three melatonin tablets at once. It was not enough to harm her and it was not like anyone could argue after that… Meredith had given it her best shot.
When she came back out, Alex was on the phone and the volume was on speaker. Meredith could hear another one of the general surgeons, Dr. Soto speaking: "...and his vitals remain virtually the same. BP is 155/95, pulse is 101 and temperature is 99.3…"
"Okay, and how about Lexie Grey?" Alex pressed.
"Lexie's condition remains the same as well. She's unconscious, in a medically-induced coma and her vitals are steady… 106/62 and pulse is 60."
"Thank you, Dr. Soto," Alex said and then hung-up the phone. "See? Everything's fine."
Meredith stumbled back into her bedroom. She did not like being alone. She obviously did not want to sleep with Alex, literally or figuratively, but she did not want to lie here by herself. She wanted Derek to be home… she wanted someone, anyone lying next to her.
That was not possible right now though so Meredith lay on her back with all the lights turned on, and the melatonin not doing an ounce of good. She told herself that no matter how bad things got, she would not wake-up Alex again so it was with great surprise, at 3:15 in the morning, when Meredith found herself standing in the guest bedroom again, staring down at Alex's snoring body.
Suddenly, the latter startled awake and looked up at Meredith, his expression initially afraid but then simply concerned. "Mer… Mer, what are you doing?"
Meredith had no idea what she was doing; she did not even remember getting out of bed and walking into Alex's room so she said the first thing that came to her mind: "I don't want to be alone."
"Okay… okay, well, I'm not coming in there and sleeping in Shepherd's place on the bed. That… that would just be rude and unfair when he's in the ICU," Alex said.
"I know," Meredith whispered, her voice shaky. She did not want to sleep with Alex, especially not like that, but the idea of going back into her bedroom by herself scared her almost as much as the idea of cheating on Derek.
Alex sighed heavily. "Okay, fine… go ahead and lay down here."
"R-Really?" Meredith asked, her voice still tiny and afraid.
"Yeah, but nothing's happening and I hope you know that. We're going to sleep; that's it."
Meredith nodded; no part of her desired anything close to sex with Alex. She sat down on the guest bed like she was told and then gently slid down onto the mattress and curled onto her side.
Alex laid down, too, and pulled the comforter up and over both of them. And right when Meredith thought that he had fallen asleep, Alex put his arm gently around Meredith's shoulders, holding her close as they both drifted off into oblivion.
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She was tripping over random tree roots; branches were scratching her face and arms but none of that mattered. Meredith was sprinting through the woods like her life depended on it.
Actually, no; that was not quite right. It was not Meredith's life that was so important, that she needed to save. It was Derek's… and Lexie's and Cristina's… those three individuals were the people that Meredith had to rescue, no matter what happened.
Meredith was not sure quite how long she was running through the wilderness when she came across a clearing. In that clearing, there was a pile of plane wreckage and next to the plane wreckage, were the unconscious bodies of the three people most special to Meredith… Derek, Lexie, and Cristina. Meredith ran to Derek first and shook him wildly, begging him to awaken but Derek did not stir. It was only once Meredith had grasped his face that she realized there was blood pouring from Derek's head. He was dead. He had probably died a long time ago.
With tears streaming down her face, Meredith moved onto Lexie and Lexie was still alive but her chest was swelling with blood; it was cardiac tamponade.
"What are you waiting for?! You have to save her, Meredith! SAVE HER! " Mark's voice shouted from nearby and Meredith used an instrument, maybe a needle or maybe a hunting knife, to stab Lexie in the chest and release the blood.
It worked… Lexie's blood poured out of her chest but then it kept coming. The blood was everywhere; Cristina was drowning in it and Mark yelled again, "You killed her, Meredith! You were supposed to save her! YOU KILLED HER!"
Meredith looked up from her dead sister's corpse just as the wolves surrounded them and Arizona let out a high-pitched scream…
"MEREDITH! MEREDITH!"
Meredith's eyes flew open. She was not in the woods. The wolves were nowhere to be seen. It was she, Meredith, that had been screaming at the top of her lungs, not Arizona, and instead of Mark, Alex was sitting next to her in bed with frantic eyes and a white face.
Somehow, Meredith managed to stop screaming but her body was soaked with sweat and paralyzed with fear. She could not have moved from where she was lying on the bed even if Derek's life had depended on it and her chest was heaving painfully with sobs.
"Meredith," Alex repeated and he stroked her hair, carefully. "Mer, you're okay. I'm right here. What happened? God, you scared me half to death."
Meredith was crying so hard that she could barely make out words. "I… I t-t-tried but… it was… D-Derek and… and Lexie… oh… oh, G-God…"
"Okay," Alex said and he reached down where he embraced Meredith, gently. "Okay, well… they're okay. It was just a dream. I'm right here and… and it was just a dream."
But it was not just a dream. That was what made everything so awful… Meredith really had found Derek lying in a pool of his own blood. She had driven a knife into Lexie's chest while Mark screamed at her and the wolves had cornered all of the surgeons that last night in the woods.
To put it simply, Alex's comment only made Meredith's sobs turn into hysterics as she cried, "It… it w-wasn't a d-d-dream… it… it was… r-real…"
"Right, well… that's all gone now. You're safe, here with me and… and Derek and Lexie are up at the hospital and they're fine," Alex said and frowned. "Mer, I need you to breathe for me."
Meredith's breaths were coming out in sharp, ragged gasps which was making her broken ribs throb worse than ever. She could not calm them for anything so Alex jumped up and out of bed; he returned a few seconds later with a standard, brown paper bag which he handed to Meredith. She held it up to her mouth and slowly allowed her respirations to return to normal.
"There you go… that's better," Alex said and he also grabbed a tissue from a nearby box and used it to wipe Meredith's face. "Are you okay? Do you know where you are and everything?"
"I'm… I'm at home," Meredith replied and looked around. It was not her usual sleeping quarters. Meredith had, unfortunately, experienced this revelation before, mostly in college and right after she had first broken-up with Derek. A feeling of ultimate dread filled her from head to toe. "Oh, no…"
"What?" Alex pressed. "What happened; did you hurt yourself?"
"No… oh, God… what did I do?! What did we do?!"
Alex looked confused. "We? We… didn't do anything. What do you mean?"
"I mean… I mean my husband is in the ICU, recovering from a plane crash and I just cheated on him. I… I just cheated on Derek. Oh my God… oh, no…"
This time, though, Alex rolled his eyes. "No, you didn't. You wouldn't do that, Mer. You just didn't want to be alone last night so you came in here to sleep with me… but not like… literally. We just slept in the same bed."
"Are you sure?" Meredith asked. "And are you sure that even makes a difference?"
"Yes, I'm sure and yes, it makes a huge difference. You sleep with Cristina all the time and you're not having sex with her," Alex grinned and then he looked at the alarm clock which was perched on his bedside table. "Well, it's almost 7:00. Do you want to get up?"
Meredith would not have cared if it was 2:00 in the morning; she was not going back to sleep after that nightmare.
She nodded and with Alex's assistance, climbed out of bed, used the bathroom, and got dressed for the day. Meredith was not sure what she was doing yet but she knew that she wanted to make it up to the hospital at some point so she put on a pair of black leggings and a comfortable t-shirt decorated with navy and red stripes. All of Meredith's clothing was relatively loose because she had lost so much weight.
While Alex ran downstairs to begin preparing breakfast, Meredith applied some basic make-up. She did not typically wear beauty products, especially not to the hospital, but she needed to at least make an effort to hide the bruises and lacerations on her face. Meredith blended out several layers of concealer and then wandered down the hallway and into Zola's room. Her daughter was already awake and sitting up in her crib; maybe Meredith's terrorized screams had roused her early.
"Hey, Zo-Zo," Meredith smiled weakly. She was not able to pick up Zola yet because of her rib injuries so Meredith was forced to only select clothes for her child and then wait patiently for Alex to help her, yet again.
By the time that all three of them were fully clothed and ready, it was past 8:00. Alex carried Zola down to the kitchen and set her up in her high-chair while Meredith stumbled behind, somewhat slower. It turned out that Alex had not exactly cooked breakfast… he had opened a package of donuts and heated some leftovers for Zola. Still, this was better than nothing and Meredith ate one bite of her chocolate donut before remembering that food did not taste as good after the plane crash. She tossed the rest in a trash can while Alex was not looking.
"Okay… are we ready?" Meredith asked when she had appeared to finish her breakfast.
Alex shrugged. "Um… I guess so. Where are we going again?"
"To the hospital," Meredith said. She would have thought that would be obvious. Where else would she go when her husband, her sister, and her best friend were still patients in the ICU?
For some reason, though, Alex's expression was skeptical. "I don't know, Mer. Don't you want a break from all that emotional trauma… like, at least for one day? Shepherd would understand. We could go and… I don't know, get massages or something. I think you've earned that."
Meredith shook her head. "No, not… not yet. Maybe later but… not yet. We need to go to the hospital and check on everybody and… and drop Zola off at daycare. Then… then I need to go… um… get some stuff fixed. You know, I have to get some money and… and a new wallet and purse and everything cause it all… got destroyed."
"Oh… yeah, right," Alex said and they headed out the door quietly.
At Seattle Grace, Alex, Meredith, and Zola entered through the emergency room like usual patients did. This was to avoid the masses of journalists and reporters that were still camped out in front of the main entrance. Once they made it through the chaos, Meredith went straight for the elevators and punched the number two which lead her to the complimentary daycare built for hospital employees.
It was beyond awkward walking inside for the first time since the plane crash. Meredith had picked up Zola the day before, but she had not come face to face with any of the daycare workers themselves. As Meredith kissed her daughter goodbye and handed her over to Emily, one of the childcare specialists, she realized that every single adult in the room was staring at her.
Basically, it was like the aftermath of the infamous Seattle Grace shooting all over again but there was a difference. There had been dozens of staff members impacted physically and emotionally from the shooting. A lot of them had been injured themselves or at least seen the gunman, Gary Clark. This time, there were only six individuals who really knew what had happened out in the woods and everyone else's imaginations had been running wild.
When the silence and the staring went on for so long that Meredith was about to have a panic attack, she cleared her throat loudly. "Um… h-here's Zola. I should be back sometime in the early evening."
"Oh… yes, thank you, Dr. Grey," Emily smiled, although it was a bit delayed. "And I do want to tell you how happy I am that you're alright."
You really think that I'm alright? Meredith thought to herself but she did not say that. She just smiled weakly in return and said, "Thank you. I've appreciated all the… the prayers and well-wishes."
Once Zola was distracted, joining in on a game of legos with some of her daycare friends, Meredith snuck out of the childcare facility and found Alex, who was waiting outside. "Ready for the ICU?"
"I guess so. Sloan should be awake by now; he had his skin-graft thing yesterday, right?"
Meredith had forgotten about that. She felt bad because she did genuinely care about Mark, particularly after what they had gone through together, but recently, all of her thoughts had been on Derek and Lexie. Thus far, it appeared that Lexie was going to be fine. She had gotten through all of her most dangerous surgeries; her doctors were just waiting to remove her medically-induced coma and it was Derek that was still in danger of stroking out.
Dr. Soto, the physician that Alex had talked with on the phone last night was still in the ICU when they arrived; it seemed as though he had been waiting for them. Meredith's heart was already beating fast but it instantly began to race as she approached the general surgeon. "How is he?"
"Better," Soto grinned. "His vitals are going down; our last BP reading was 142 over 90. Derek is still in a considerable amount of pain but he's been awake some, asking for you. Would you like to see him?"
"Please," Meredith said; she barely managed to ignore the fact that no one had called when Derek had been voicing his request for her and instead just followed Dr. Soto down the hall to the first room on the left.
Dr. Soto had been correct; immediately, Meredith could see the improvements. Derek's temperature had dropped to 99.1, the lowest it had been since the plane crash and his pulse was 95. He appeared to be asleep but Meredith sat down next to his bed and touched her husband on the face.
Derek's eyes fluttered open and he moaned softly. "W-What…"
"Hi… hey, it's me," Meredith whispered and kissed him on the forehead. "How are you feeling?"
"Better now… now you're here," Derek said. He was having trouble keeping his eyes open but from what Meredith could see, he was more alert.
"Yeah, I'm better now, too. I was actually discharged last night but I just came back up here to bug you and Lexie," Meredith said. "You better hang in there, okay? Because remember what we said during the shooting… you dying… that would be the worst break-up ever."
Derek smiled weakly, too. "I'm… I'm not gonna… die. Don't… worry. I… I love you and… and I'm not going anywhere… I promise."
"I love you, too."
"So… does that mean… Lexie, Mark, everyone… they're all okay?" Derek continued.
"Lexie's still in her medically-induced coma but they should be able to wake her up in the next week or so," Meredith explained. "Mark's fine; he's recovering from his skin grafts but should be discharged soon and Arizona has the leg issues but that's not life-threatening. Cristina's damage is all psychological."
The truth was registering. All six surgeons were actually going to survive. They would be traumatized for life and Meredith would never be able to fly again, but everyone was going to live. Maybe, if Webber was right about the potential lawsuit, they would also be making a lot of money if someone was directly responsible for the accident.
But the money did not matter. All that mattered was that Derek, Lexie, Mark, Arizona, Cristina and Meredith were going to survive. And Meredith was too dark and twisty to be relieved; a million things were still so wrong so she kept any tears of happiness inside.
"How's Zola?" Derek asked.
"She's fine. She's great," Meredith said. "She met my dad for the first time yesterday and I met my other sister… you know, Molly."
Derek nodded. "I mean, I… don't really… know her but… do you like her? Is she nice?"
"She seems nice. I feel like I should really love her after the way I grew to love Lexie but I just can't be that big of a person. I don't know her at all," Meredith confessed.
"Yeah well… don't worry. Give it time… you'll grow to love her, I'm sure… just like… just like you did with Lexie," Derek said and now, the exhaustion in his tone was more than evident.
"You're tired," Meredith stated and helped Derek lower his bed back down to a comfortable position. "Get some sleep. I'm gonna go see some of the others and… and I'll be back to visit you again later."
"Okay," Derek agreed. "I love you."
"I love you, too," Meredith said and she took a deep, steadying breath as she walked out of Derek's ICU room where she promptly met Alex.
Alex was interested in visiting the other survivors but he had intentionally given Meredith some alone time with Derek. "How is he?"
"He's better. I mean, he's still critical but he's stable and talking. I just left because he needs to get some rest but I'll come back later," Meredith said.
"Wow… well, that's good. It looks like you all might fight through this thing after all, huh?" Alex grinned.
"I don't know; I don't want to get my hopes up," Meredith admitted. "Come on, let's go see the others."
She limped down the ICU, and first ducked into Cristina's room. Cristina looked almost exactly as she had the day before… lying on the bed, eyes open, staring up at the ceiling.
Owen was sitting in a chair in the corner and startled when Meredith entered. "Hey… no change overnight. I hear Derek's doing better though."
"Yeah, he is," Meredith smiled and she knelt down next to Cristina. "Did they give you a timeline at all? How long until they transfer her to psych?"
"They didn't say. I'm pulling all the strings I can as chief but in a few weeks, next year's interns are gonna be arriving and she'll need to be at Mayo. They're not gonna hold off for her forever," Owen said.
Meredith knew that and she knew that it was selfish, but part of her was hoping that maybe Cristina would continue recovering for a couple more weeks… or that the plane crash would spark the same feelings in Cristina as it did for Meredith and she would decide not to leave Seattle at all. It was unlikely but possible.
The two surgeons sat with Cristina for a few minutes longer. Meredith held her friend's hand and tried to help her to come back to reality but there was no progress and after a while, Meredith moved on. She walked down the hallway and found Mark sitting up in bed.
"It looks like you're feeling better," Meredith said.
"Oh, yeah. A few burns aren't gonna keep me down," Mark said. "I'm just waiting for Bailey to get around here and sign my discharge papers. How's Derek?"
"He's good. I mean, he's critical but he's stable… awake and talking."
"That's awesome. I'll have to see if I can bribe some of the nurses to let me go down there later… annoy my brother."
"I'm sure he would appreciate that," Meredith giggled. "Any news about Lexie or Arizona?"
"Lexie's the same but I'm sure you knew that," Mark said. "Her dad's in there… well, your dad's in there; he hasn't left. And Molly… it's weird. I've been with Lexie for so long but I never met her little sister."
Meredith nodded slowly; it was a weird way of phrasing things: I've been with Lexie for so long. Until now, Meredith had forgotten that Mark was in another relationship and that he was going to potentially end it when they got back to Seattle. Maybe that was not the case though. Maybe it only seemed that way when they were all trapped out in the forest, when Mark thought that Lexie was going to die.
"If it makes you feel any better, she's my sister and I hadn't met her until yesterday either," Meredith said.
"That's messed up."
So much was messed up, even if all of the surgeons were going to survive.
"Yeah well… hope you feel better and get out of here soon," Meredith sighed. "It would be nice having someone else that… you know, that went through what we did… out in the real world."
"Definitely," Mark said.
Since Meredith was avoiding Molly and her father, the only person left to visit was Arizona. Meredith was never as close with her as she was with the rest of the group, simply because she spent very little time in pediatrics. It had been Cristina that lived with Callie, and therefore, Arizona. But Meredith still cared about her and so she peeked in the doorway to see if Arizona was awake.
Arizona was certainly awake but she did not look like she was in the mood for additional company. She was arguing loudly with Callie who was standing at the end of her bed: "Well, do we have a plan yet?! Do we?!"
"We are waiting for the infection to improve and then we'll know what options we have," Callie responded, her voice shaky and stressed.
"Well, if the vancomycin isn't working, then put me on colistin. It'll be stronger."
"I understand that it's hard to just…"
"No, you don't! You don't, because you know what your life is going to be. You know if you're going to take her to the park or if you're gonna stand at an O.R. table again…"
Meredith quickly ducked out of the scene. She had been in arguments with Derek before, or with other people, and she always hated when people stood by watching like they were on a television show.
Callie and Arizona needed their privacy so Meredith hurried back down the hall as fast as her injuries would let her and met Alex who was waiting. "So what are you doing? Are you working?"
"Not really," Alex said. "We weren't allowed to operate the whole time you were missing… or at least Torres, Kepner, Avery, and I weren't… I've been using up all my old PTO hours now. I mean, it's not like I'm gonna need them once I'm at Hopkins."
Meredith's heart fell; she was hoping that the plane crash might change Alex's mind too, but there was no reason why it should. He had not been on that plane. Everyone had lived. "So… so you're still going?"
"I mean… eventually, yeah… I have to, Mer," Alex sighed. "I gave them my word."
"Yeah, I gave Brigham my word, too, but I doubt that's happening," Meredith said.
"You're not moving to Boston anymore? Does Shepherd know that?"
Meredith shrugged; they were walking out of the ICU, back down towards the elevators. "I mean… we don't know if Derek is gonna be able to operate again. At the very least, it's going to be postponed. But I can't imagine leaving now. I… can't imagine moving across the country after everything that happened."
"Yeah well, it's a little different for you," Alex said. "You were in the plane crash. They'll understand if you need to rearrange your plans. I think it would be a pretty crappy move on my part if I took the fellowship at Hopkins, made Arizona get on the plane for me, and then backed out."
"You had no idea that plane was going to crash. None of us did… and you wanted to go. You were pissed that Arizona took your spot," Meredith reminded him. "She can't be mad at you for that. I mean, she can be mad at the situation, and I would be, too, but… it's not your fault."
Alex did not answer and he did not have to… Meredith could tell what he was thinking: Yeah, go ahead and tell Arizona that.
Meredith took another deep breath. "Okay, so… so what now? The bank… and… and all that?"
"Yeah, I guess so. Are you sure you don't want to eat anything first?" Alex asked. "You're skin and bones."
"Um… no, we can… we can eat when we're done. I'm tired of having hospital food," Meredith said and silently prayed that she would develop an appetite by then.
Twenty minutes later, the duo arrived at the local mall. Meredith had planned to come here first so that she would have a wallet to put her money in at the bank but she was obviously not thinking clearly because now, she did not have any money to pay for a wallet.
"Wait," Meredith said after they had walked inside of Macy's and begun browsing through the women's department. "I did something really stupid; I'm sorry."
"It's okay. What's up?" Alex asked.
"We… should have gone to the bank first because… well… I don't have any money," Meredith realized. "Um… we need to leave."
Alex shook his head. "Nah, don't worry about it. I got it. You can pay me back once you get your shit together."
Meredith nodded shakily. "Okay… we need to go to the DMV, too so I can get a new driver's license. I know I can't drive yet but I feel weird not having an ID."
"Yeah, okay. Let's do it."
Still, Meredith tried to finish her shopping quickly for Alex, who was being exceptionally good about everything, driving his friend around and paying for her items. Plus, Meredith herself was feeling strange in public, amongst strangers who had no idea what she had endured in the last week.
It turned out that the world had continued to prevail after all. Out in the forest, Meredith had wondered if the apocalypse had come early, if perhaps civilization had ceased to exist but there were lots of people out here whose biggest worries consisted of their work schedules… who had possibly heard of the lost surgeons but not given them any special thought.
In the end, Meredith decided a simple, maroon-colored wallet would do the job as well as any. She also selected a beige purse that was not too frilly or girly; it cost more than she would have liked at 120 dollars but she would be paying Alex back.
At the last minute, Meredith also spotted a display of phone cases and picked out a red one that matched her wallet. The last thing Meredith needed was to break her new phone.
Alex paid for everything up at the counter which came to a grand total of 211 dollars. As the woman working the register rung them up, she smiled at Alex. "Treating your wife? Is it her birthday or something?"
Meredith froze. Why would this woman say such a thing? Alex was not even close to being that kind of partner for Meredith; he was not wearing a wedding ring. Meredith's husband was currently in the ICU fighting for his life.
But then Meredith took a deep breath and composed herself. The woman working at Macy's was only making small talk, doing her job. And for once, Meredith actually was wearing her ring. She usually left it off; Meredith was not a big fan of jewelry and rings were pointless when one was in surgery all day.
The ring that Derek had given her almost three years ago now, though… it had survived the plane crash. Meredith had not worn it to Boise and considering the fact that Derek was in the ICU, it seemed like an appropriate time to wear the thing.
"Oh, uh… no, she's not my wife," Alex answered the woman after a brief pause. "She's just a friend and she's damn well paying me back for all this."
They left Macy's as quickly as possible. The bank was much less intimidating than the mall. Meredith was able to complete her paperwork there quietly, and they gave her a temporary debit card to use until her new one came in the mail. Meredith withdrew 350 dollars in cash and then promptly handed 200 of it over to Alex who appeared skeptical.
"It's… okay, Mer. Here, I'll just take 100. You can use the rest for… I don't know. Buy something for Shepherd or Lexie."
"Just take the damn money, Alex," Meredith said and she pressed the remaining dollars into his hand. "I don't need another person feeling sorry for me."
The DMV took less time than the bank. Somehow, Meredith managed to arrive during a rare, slow period and she filled out some more paperwork before paying 35 dollars to have her lost license replaced.
For some reason, Meredith had completely forgotten that she would need to have a new photo taken for her license and she felt wrong standing in front of the blue backdrop while a camera flashed in her face. She was pretty sure that her expression in the picture was pained more than anything.
"Let's try one more time," the person behind the counter said after the first snapshot and Meredith rolled her eyes; the photo had to have been awful if the DMV was giving her a second chance. "Try to smile, sweetheart. It's not that bad."
You have no idea, Meredith thought to herself but she managed to press a small, tight smile onto her face for the second click of the camera.
"There we go," the DMV woman said and printed a sheet of paper that Meredith would use as her temporary license. "You can use that until your real card comes in the mail. Try to keep better track of it this time."
Meredith had checked a box on her paperwork that said she had lost her license. It was true even though it had not been Meredith's fault.
Before she could help herself, she responded to the woman: "I didn't lose it like that. I was in an accident and my old license was… destroyed."
She assumed that the DMV would think Meredith had been in a car crash but all of a sudden, a look of recognition came over the woman's face. "Wait… are you one of those surgeons that were in the plane crash?"
Meredith opened her mouth to reply again but nothing came out so she just picked up her paper and paced out of the DMV, leaving Alex to deal with the situation himself.
"Okay, so what now?" Alex said once he had quieted the chaos in the DMV and joined Meredith in his Volvo. "Dinner? What sounds good?"
Meredith had told Alex that they could go out for food earlier because she had not wanted to eat at the hospital but unfortunately, her appetite had not returned. "Um… I'm sorry. I'm not really hungry."
"Do you wanna go back up to the hospital and check on everybody?" Alex guessed.
It was almost 4:00 in the evening by this point so it was understandable why Meredith would want to visit her loved ones. Derek was likely waiting on his wife to return, but Meredith had been sapped of all motivation to do anything. "Not really… can't we just… I don't know…"
"Do you wanna go see if Dr. Wyatt can see you?" Alex suggested; Dr. Wyatt was Meredith's therapist who she would have to see eventually.
But not now. Meredith was not ready to talk now. "No, I… I can't…"
She was being difficult and she knew that but Meredith was not used to having free time and even if she was, she usually had people to spend it with... and the people that Meredith normally hung out with were all in the ICU.
"Do you want to go home? Get some rest? I know you didn't sleep too well last night," Alex said, trying one more time and Meredith flashed back to the images that had coursed through her brain while she was sleeping.
Running through the forest, screaming Derek's name… finding him in a pool of blood… slamming a rock, breaking his hand… finding Jerry dead in the cockpit… realizing they were going to run out of water long before they were rescued… the wolves ripping apart human flesh…
The panic had hit Meredith out of nowhere, all over again.
"No… I don't know… I don't know where… I want to go," Meredith whispered and then thought to herself, Why was I okay after the shooting but I'm not okay now?
And then Meredith realized that she had said this out loud because Alex had looked at her. "God, um… I don't know, Mer. I don't know but… I don't think there really has to be a reason. What can I do?"
Meredith just shook her head, not directly answering Alex's question. "I… I didn't even… get shot and… Derek almost died then. Lexie had… a breakdown. You got shot and I shouldn't… I don't know why I'm not okay…"
"It doesn't matter why you're not okay. You just… aren't and… we can do something about that," Alex said. "We can do whatever you want. We can go back to the hospital or we can go home. We can go get Zola… we can call Dr. Wyatt; personally, I think that would be a good idea…"
"I don't want to see Dr. Wyatt," Meredith said and then she found herself beginning to hyperventilate. It was like her chest was going to cave in and she knew that this was an anxiety attack; Meredith was a doctor and she had had them before but not like this… she could not catch her breath; she was sobbing but no tears were coming out.
"Mer… Mer, shh," Alex said and he reached forward. In one quick moment, Meredith was in his arms and he was rocking her gently in the front seat of his Volvo. "It's okay. You're going to be okay; I promise."
"B-B-But… oh, God… L-Lexie… D-Derek," Meredith cried, foolishly. Only hours ago, she had been emotional in the ICU out of relief because Derek was going to make it and Lexie was going to be fine. Everyone was going to live; why was Meredith feeling like this?
She had to have been sitting there with Alex for almost twenty minutes when Meredith finally leaned her head up and realized that tears had found their way out of her eyes; she had soaked the shoulder of Alex's t-shirt. "I'm… I'm s-sorry…"
"Stop it. Don't apologize. Whatever you need from me, I'm here. Do you wanna go see Shepherd? It uh… it seems like… I mean, that might… help," Alex said.
"I t-told you… I d-don't… know…"
"You don't know what you want," Alex finished and grabbed a box of tissues from the backseat of his car which he handed to Meredith. "Okay, well… that's okay. I'll make the decisions; does that sound okay? I vote… that we go to the hospital and visit Shepherd."
It was as good of a plan as Meredith was going to come up with; she nodded. "Yeah, okay."
On the drive back to Seattle Grace, Meredith attempted to clean up. She blew her nose and drank some water because if she was not going to eat, it was important to at least stay hydrated. Nevertheless, when Alex pulled into the parking lot outside of the emergency room, Meredith slipped on a pair of sunglasses that she had worn from home today to hide her red eyes. She did not need the paparazzi taking photographs of that.
Yeah, I know that was super long lol but there was just no good place to break the chapter. Hope you enjoyed, please don't forget to follow/favorite and review; it means SO much to me!
In case anyone was wondering, yes, the name of the daycare employee was named Emily after one of my Twitter followers and supporters. Thank you to Emily and let me know if you want your name included in my story as a minor character!
The next chapter will include an update on the other plane crash survivors including Mark, Arizona, and Cristina! Thank you so much for reading! Xoxo, merderpedia :)