A/N: Thanks for your reviews.
Chapter 2- Great Expectations- February 4, 1952
"Mommy," Frankie said as he approached the doorway of his parents bedroom.
"Mommy's in the bathroom," Frank stated as he tied his tie. "What do you need, son?"
"Jo-Jo's crying," the little boy answered as he rubbed his eye. "She wants mommy."
"We better go see to her until Mommy gets there," Frank stated as he turned away from the mirror and left the room, his son trailing along beside him.
"Why does Jo-Jo gotta cry all the time?" Frankie muttered.
Frank patted his son's head as they climbed the steps. "Johanna cries in the morning because she can't get out of her crib on her own. She cries other times when she's hungry or wet…or you're being too rough with her."
"I don't want her touching my toys!"
"Well you better share with your sister today."
"Why?"
"Because it's her birthday. She's been with us for a year now."
"So?"
"So if you want your mother to let you have cake later, you'll be nice."
"Fine," Frankie said as he stomped off to his room.
Frank smiled a little as he watched him go and then he pushed through the ajar door of her daughter's room, hearing her cries as he did so. She hadn't worked up to full out, ear splitting wail yet…Frankie's alerts were getting quicker, he couldn't help but think. His daughter was standing in her crib, tears sliding down her cheeks. "It's alright, Josie," he told her.
A smile broke across her lips, her small arms stretching out toward him. "Dada!"
He never understood why she looked happy to see him, he mused as he moved toward the crib. She spent her days with Naomi and Frankie…by the time he got home at night; she was only up for a few hours. Even on the weekends he was in and out…and when he was home, he didn't always give her the attention he should.
"Dada!" she squealed once more.
"I'm here," he said as he lifted her out of the crib.
Johanna patted his cheeks and tried to bestow one of her baby kisses on him but he hurriedly held her out away from him. "No; don't do that," he stated.
His daughter fussed at the treatment and he brought her back close to his chest, raking his fingers through her tousled curls in an attempt to tame them but his daughter took the opportunity to bestow a sloppy kiss to his cheek. "No, Johanna!" he exclaimed; turning her around so that her back was to his body.
Johanna started to cry, kicking her legs in what he figured was frustration as he began to carry her across the room to the changing table. "You'll get over it," he told her. "I don't want you slobbering on me."
"Really, Frank?" Naomi asked as she leaned against the doorframe. "She's been up for what, five minutes and you've already made her cry and shunned her? And on her birthday no less."
Frank rolled his eyes and headed toward his wife. "Here, take her."
"Mama," their daughter said as she reached for her mother.
Naomi smiled. "There's my beautiful girl," she said before kissing her daughter's lips. "Happy Birthday, sweet girl. Did daddy tell you happy birthday?"
"No," Frank answered as he followed Naomi to the changing table.
"Well don't you think you should?" she asked as she laid the baby down and started unsnapping her sleeper.
"She doesn't know what day it is or what birthdays mean, Naomi," he replied.
"No; but we do…and you need to tell her happy birthday…and that you're sorry for shunning her affection."
He sighed. "Happy Birthday, Josie. I'm not sorry for not wanting your sloppy attempts at kisses."
Naomi kept one hand on her squirming baby and slapped her husband's chest with the other. "You're such an ass at times, Frank."
"Oh come on, Naomi; she's a year old, she doesn't know anything other than you're mommy and I'm daddy and there's a little boy that lives here with us."
"Tell daddy you're working on learning your brother's name. He's been teaching you, hasn't he?" she asked lightly, tickling her daughter before reaching for a clean diaper.
Johanna giggled, her gaze fixed on her mother. "I can't believe you're one already," Naomi stated. "It's gone by so quickly; hasn't it, Frank?"
"No faster than any other year."
His wife huffed a little. "Well at least there isn't a blizzard today unlike last year…and we're all home together; at least until you leave for work."
"It's not like I won't be back."
"I know, Frank…and try to be home on time, alright? Don't forget that we have company coming for Johanna's birthday."
"I don't know why you're making a big deal out of this; she's not going to remember it."
"No, she won't…but I will and there's film in the camera; she'll know she had a small gathering for her birthday. I'll throw her a real party next year, but for this year it's just us and her grandparents."
Not all of her grandparents, Frank thought to himself and the reminder made him remember something that had been of the utmost importance to him for an entire year.
"Look at Daddy," Frank demanded, his hand carefully nudging his daughter's head to turn in his direction as she squirmed.
Johanna turned her head toward her father, a bright smile on her lips. "Dada."
Frank laid his hand on her forehead, gently keeping her in place as he studied her eyes. He frowned, seeing that what he had hoped for still hadn't happened and most likely wouldn't now that she was a year old. "Her eyes are still green!" he exclaimed, his tone gruff.
Naomi glanced at him while snapping up Johanna's sleeper. "Yes, they are…just like they were yesterday…and every day for a year now."
"You said they could change!" he bellowed, startling the baby and making her whimper.
"A baby's eyes can change colors, Frank," Naomi replied as she picked up the baby and cuddled her.
"Then why didn't hers!"
"Probably for the same reason Frankie's didn't; they just weren't meant to change."
"Frankie's eyes are brown! Her eyes should be blue like yours!"
"Frank, I have no control over Johanna's eye color. I can't force them to change…you're going to have to accept that her eyes are going to be green and there's nothing that can be done about it."
"I don't have to like it!"
"No, you don't have to like it…but I think it's silly that you get so up in arms about it."
"Easy for you to say," he snapped. "It's not your dead mother looking back at you."
Naomi sighed, her lips skimming against her daughter's dark curls. "She can't help it that she inherited her grandmother's eyes, Frank. It's not like she was given a choice."
"Whoever heard of a baby being born with green eyes!" he thundered. "Babies are supposed to be born with blue eyes!"
"It's not impossible for a baby to be born with green eyes…just like Frankie's eyes were brown when he was born. Not all babies are born with blue eyes; I've told you that until I'm blue in the face. Green eyes run in your family. Your sister's eyes are green…your mother's eyes were green…for all we know, they both could've been born with green eyes just like Johanna was. Your grandmother is still alive, we could get in touch with her and ask her…I wonder what color eyes she has," she said, although she knew very well that Frank's grandmother had green eyes but he could never know that she occasionally paid her a visit.
"For the last time, I have no desire to contact that woman."
"She's your grandmother, Frank…I'm sure she's missed you. It's not her fault that your father's mother cut that side of your family off from you; but you could change that now that you're an adult. I bet she'd love to see the kids."
"I don't care what Mary Alice would like, it's not happening; and before you ask again, her damn eyes are green."
"Then it's no wonder that Johanna has green eyes."
"I don't think it's normal for a baby to be born with green eyes," he ranted. "Maybe there's something wrong with her. Maybe that's why they haven't changed."
"There's nothing wrong with our daughter!" Naomi exclaimed. "She's perfectly healthy and beautiful."
"She'd still be beautiful with blue eyes!"
"Frank; you need to get over this. Johanna is a year old today, her eyes are green and they're going to stay that way. You should look at it as a sign that your mother is living on through the next generation in small ways."
"It's a bad omen!"
"How is having the same color eyes as her grandmother a bad omen?"
"My mother died young because she was stupid and foolish," he said, his tone low and dark. "I don't want her traits passed on to my daughter."
"Frank, the color of your mother's eyes had nothing to do with her death. Sarah died from pneumonia due to her lungs being weakened from an illness she hadn't fully healed from before she got sick again."
"She got sick because she thought it was fun to walk in the rain in early April!"
"It might have been poor judgment for her to walk in the rain when she wasn't fully over a previous illness but it has nothing to do with her eye color."
"It has to do with her spirit! I don't want her spirit in my daughter! But she's in there, that's why she has her eyes and you had to give her my mother's middle name and make it worse!"
"Oh my God, Frank; what do you think happened; your mother possessed my womb and was reincarnated as our child? Are you really that ridiculous?"
"She's in her!"
"She is not! Johanna has her eyes, nothing more and nothing less. The woman was her grandmother, she was most likely going to inherit something from her in the way of traits but overall she looks like me! Nothing bad is going to happen to her because she had the misfortune of being born with green eyes."
"You don't know that!"
"Neither do you!"
"You take her to a doctor and find out why her eyes haven't changed colors," Frank demanded.
"I will not!"
"You better!"
"No; that's stupid," Naomi retorted. "If you want her taken to a doctor because her eyes are green, you're going to be the one to take her."
"Dada!" Johanna exclaimed, her arms reaching for her father.
Frank gave her a disgruntled look and stepped away from her. "Frank," his wife hissed. "Why did you just do that?"
"I don't want her slobbering on me, I'm ready for work."
Naomi sighed as her daughter continued to reach for her father. "She wants her father."
"No!" he said, looking at his daughter as he said the word. "You stay with your mother where you belong."
"Frank, what is with you today!?" his wife exclaimed.
"Nothing; I just don't have time for her today. I'm going to go finish getting ready for work."
Naomi hugged her daughter to her, pressing kisses to her hair. "Let's go get Frankie," she murmured to her. "Do you want to go get brother? He'll play with you while I make breakfast."
Her daughter babbled in response and she carried her across the hallway as her husband's footsteps faded from the stairs. He was going to be in one of his moods, Naomi figured…and it just figured he'd pick their daughter's birthday to be in that mood.
Once she and the children were downstairs, Naomi placed Johanna on the floor with Frankie and allowed them to play as she started to get things ready for breakfast.
"Say Frankie," her son demanded; his tone light as he regarded his sister.
Johanna giggled at him and pushed the small ball they were playing with toward him.
"Say Frankie!" he said once again, his small fingers reaching out and tickling her.
She giggled once more, her baby babble spilling from her lips.
"Frankie, Frankie, Frankie," her brother stated, tickling her some more.
The baby laughed and reached for her brother but he dodged her hands by lying down on the floor. "Ha ha, tricked you, Jo-Jo."
Naomi moved to the doorway of the kitchen in time to see her daughter crawl to her brother's side…and then on him, bestowing her so called sloppy baby kisses upon him. "No, Jo-Jo," Frankie laughed as he squirmed.
Naomi hurried back to the kitchen counter to grab the camera and got back to the doorway in time to watch her children giggle together as Frankie tried to dodge the kisses his sister was determined to give him. The more he laughed and resisted, the more Johanna giggled and tried to kiss his cheeks, succeeding several times as her brother good naturedly proclaimed "Eww!" making her laugh all the more. Naomi snapped several pictures, thinking to herself that Frankie's response to his sister today was much different than it had been a year ago on this date.
She figured they were happy and content enough for the moment which would give her time to get the eggs and bread out now that she had the table set.
She had just gotten the eggs out of the refrigerator when she heard Frank's voice in the living room.
"What are you doing letting your sister slobber all over you like that?" he demanded to know, his voice gruff.
"We just playing," Frankie answered; laughter still in his voice.
"You don't let your sister kiss all over you!" he retorted. "What are you, a sissy?"
"No," his son replied, the amusement fading from his voice.
"Boys don't let their sisters slobber on them unless they're sissies!"
Frankie shoved Johanna off of him. "Get off, Jo-Jo!" he said meanly.
Johanna's head smacked against the floor as she fell off her brother, causing her to burst into tears.
"Frank!" Naomi yelled as she hurried to their daughter who he was apparently leaving on the floor as he made no move to pick her up. "What the hell is wrong with you?! Why would you say that to him?"
"Because it's the truth; no son of mine is going to be a sissy!"
"He's not a sissy!"
"The way you and that baby hug and kiss him all the time, he's going to end up being a little mama's boy and I won't stand for it, Naomi! My son will not be a sissy! Do what you want with the girl; the boy is mine and he's being raised to be a man, not a wishy washy wimp!"
"Excuse me," Naomi said harshly; "But my son is being raised to be a decent human being with feelings and a heart. I'm not going to let him grow up like you did! There's nothing wrong with a little girl giving her brother affection and there's nothing wrong with a little boy loving his baby sister and letting her kiss his cheek! Do you think I never kissed my brother when I was a little girl?"
"My sisters never kissed on me!" Frank retorted.
"Who would want to!" she yelled back. "At the moment, I don't know why I ever kissed you!"
"He has to learn to be a man!"
"I think his father needs to remember how to be a man instead of being an ass," she exclaimed as she examined Johanna's head. "And you," she said as she looked to her son; "You don't ever push your sister like that again; now she hit her head and she's crying. Does that make you feel good to know that you hurt your sister!?"
"No," he said softly, tears pooling in his eyes. "Daddy said Jo-Jo can't kiss me."
"Well Daddy's wrong; you and Jo-Jo were playing and having fun, no one was doing anything wrong. You don't push her again. If you need help getting her off of you, you yell for me and I'll help you; you don't push!"
"I'm sorry I hurt Jo-Jo" he cried, the tears breaking free. "I didn't mean to."
"Your sister is fine," Frank snapped. "You stop that crying; you're a McKenzie. McKenzie men don't cry! It's time you start toughening up!"
Naomi knelt down in front of Frankie and drew her to him with her free arm as she kept hold of Johanna with the other. "Johanna's fine," she soothed. "She hit her head and it probably hurt…it also scared her. You have to be careful, she's still a baby. Now hug your sister and tell her that you're sorry."
Frankie glanced at his father, seeing the disapproval on his face. He stepped away from his mother and sister with a sniffle, his head lowering. "Sorry, Jo-Jo," he murmured.
Naomi got back on her feet, shifting Johanna back to her hip. "Are you happy now, Frank?" she asked tersely.
"My son isn't going to be a sissy," he replied, his tone low and even. "It's my job to make him a man; just like it's your job to make Johanna into a woman that a man will want to marry one day. Your problem is you want to coddle them. Every time that baby squawks you pick her up. Every time something goes wrong for Frankie, he cries and runs to you because he knows mommy will make it all better and give him a cookie. Quit babying these kids and get breakfast on the table."
Anger flashed in Naomi's blue eyes as she moved to the playpen and sat Johanna inside before picking up Frankie and putting him in as well. She tossed in the small ball they had been playing with as she caught her son's eye. "Play with your sister," she said before turning toward her husband. "And you, Frank McKenzie; in the kitchen…now!"
Frank followed behind her, knowing his wife was livid even before she turned her gaze on him. "How dare you," she seethed. "I've got two crying kids thanks to you and you want to bark demands about your breakfast!? Make your own damn breakfast! Better yet, go eat at the diner because I'm not fixing you a damn thing this morning…I'll spend that time coddling my kids as you want to put it. Let me tell you something, Frank; I had kids because I wanted to enjoy them, love them, give them good memories. I didn't have them so they could be raised to be cold, unfeeling human beings. I didn't have them to be raised to be seen and not heard. All you've done this morning is upset them and you don't have an ounce of remorse. For a year now, I've watched you play some sort of twisted game with our daughter, acting like a normal father for awhile and then shoving her away, resisting her…all because her eyes are green and they remind you of someone. I've watched you shun her affection. Now I've watched you shame our son for allowing his sister to show him affection and you've implied that it's wrong for him to return that affection. So not only do you deny Johanna your full heart, you've now started training her brother to deny her too. It's wrong, Frank! It's wrong and I'm sick of it!"
"Don't tell me how to be a parent," he said sharply. "They get enough mushiness from you; they don't need it from me too."
"You give Frankie more affection than you do Johanna," she retorted; "With the exception of this morning."
"Frankie's a boy; of course I favor him. What the hell am I supposed to do with a girl?"
"Love her," she spat.
"You know what, Naomi; some days this past year, I'm sorry we had kids."
"Is that right?" she asked, her hand clenching into a fist.
"Yeah; it is…because your whole world is them, you don't have anything left for me!"
"Don't you even go there!" Naomi yelled; "If anyone is neglectful in this house, it's you! You barely lift a finger around here, you come home whenever you feel like it and expect me to wait dinner. You just want to pick a fight today for some reason…we're ruining Johanna's birthday!"
"Who gives a damn that it's her birthday! She doesn't know what day it is!"
"Get out!" she yelled. "Just get out and don't come back until you've pulled your head out of your ass and you're willing to act like a loving husband and father!"
"That suits me just fine! I won't even show up for that birthday gathering you've planned; how do you like that!"
"Good; maybe the kids will enjoy themselves without you pushing the birthday girl away and calling her brother names! You need to make some changes, Frank; I mean it! You've got to get over this hang up you have over our daughter's traits and you need to quit trying to teach our son to be unfeeling…and you need to stop blaming me for everything. If I give more attention to the kids than you think I should, did you ever think it's because maybe you haven't been around as much lately and I don't have anyone else?"
"I have to work late at times, get over it!"
"Just go," she cried; "You've done upset everything today so just go."
"I'll gladly go!" he said angrily as he stormed from the room and went to get his suit jacket and briefcase. Once he had them, he moved through the house without a word to any of them, merely slamming the door behind him after grabbing his coat and keys.
Tears filled Naomi's eyes but she held them back as she made her way to the playpen in the living room where her children were still sniffling. She pasted a smile on her face as she lifted Frankie out of the playpen and then Johanna before sinking down onto the floor and pulling them both into the circle of her arms. "It's alright," she murmured. "Don't cry anymore, it's alright."
"Am I sissy, Mommy?" Frankie asked.
"No, darling," she told him, hugging him tighter. "A boy who loves his sister and plays with her, looks after her; he's a good boy, one to be proud of. Don't you pay any attention to Daddy; he doesn't know what he's talking about. You're not a sissy at all."
"Does Jo-Jo got a boo boo?" he sniffed.
"No, honey; I checked her, she's fine," Naomi assured; "She's just being quiet because everyone is upset…it's not a good way to start her birthday, is it?"
"No," Frankie agreed.
"You were doing a good job though at making her happy when the two of you were playing, I'm sorry Daddy is in a bad mood and ruined it."
"Why's Daddy mad?"
"Because he can't always have his way," she replied; figuring it was the best answer she could come up with. "Do you know what we need? We need special pancakes since it's Johanna's birthday. What animal do you want your pancake to be?"
"A horse," Frankie replied.
"I probably could've guessed that," she said lightly, tickling him to make him laugh. "What animal should Jo-Jo have? You pick for her."
Frankie thought for a moment. "A bunny."
Naomi smiled and ruffled his hair. "That's a very good choice; Johanna likes bunnies."
Frankie eyed his mother for a moment before speaking the question of utmost importance in his mind. "Can I still have birthday cake later?"
"Of course you're going to have birthday cake later, why wouldn't you?"
"Daddy said if I wasn't nice to Jo-Jo I wouldn't get no cake…and I made Jo-Jo cry."
"You did," Naomi said with a nod; "But I don't think you would've done that if it hadn't been for what Daddy said so I'm not mad at you this time. You're going to eat cake with Johanna later; it would make her sad if her big brother didn't get to eat cake with her."
Frankie smiled a little as he took his little sister's hand. "When will Jo-Jo say my name?"
"Soon," Naomi assured.
"No!" Johanna exclaimed.
"She said no!" Frankie exclaimed.
"No!" his sister repeated.
Naomi sighed. "I bet she learned that from Daddy."
"But I thought she was going to say my name next," he said sadly.
"She will, darling; just give her time. Your name is a hard word for her right now but she'll say it, I promise; we'll keep saying it to her and eventually she'll say it back. Let's go get our pancakes made and then we'll get ready and take Johanna to get her birthday picture taken…and I'll take you to the store so you can get her a little present just from you. Would you like that?"
"Do I get a toy too?"
"It's Johanna's birthday, not yours."
"Please, Mommy."
Naomi gave a nod, it had been a rough morning; they needed a pick me up. "Alright, but something small, okay? No fits!"
"I'll be good," he promised. "I'm going to get Jo-Jo a ball…then she will have one and I will have one; we'll have two," he said holding up two small fingers.
"Very good," his mother praised; "You're doing so well with your numbers."
"Will Jo-Jo like a ball?" he asked.
"She'll love it; she likes playing ball with you. Let's go get breakfast started and then we'll get ready to go out for awhile."
After getting Johanna's picture taken for her birthday…and then slipping Frankie into a picture with her since he was dressed up and behaving himself, Naomi was content carrying her daughter through the toy store as Frankie moved along the aisles, picking out a bright red ball with a blue star on it as his birthday gift to his sister. For himself, he had chosen a package of army men…and on the spur of the moment, she had picked up a package of blocks for them to share; hoping it would inspire Frankie to keep playing with his sister despite what his father had said that morning.
"Are you finished looking?" Naomi asked Frankie after letting him browse for a few more minutes.
"Guess so. Can I ride the horse?" he asked, pointing to the coin operated horse at the front of the store. "Jo-Jo can ride with me since it's her birthday."
Naomi smiled, knowing he had included his sister as an extra way of sucking up for the five cent ride but she wouldn't let on that she was wise to him. "I think you've both been good while we've been out…and it is Johanna's birthday, so I think a pony ride is probably in order. It's very nice of you to let your sister ride with you."
"Let's go!" Frankie exclaimed.
"Let me pay for our things first," she told him; "That way I can make sure I get a few nickels. Can you wait that long?"
"Yes," he replied as he obediently followed her to the counter.
"You're being a very good boy today, I'm really proud of you."
Her son nodded. "I want to eat birthday cake later. Jo-Jo's being good too; she hasn't cried."
"You're right, she's being good," Naomi said as she nuzzled her daughter's cheek. "She must want birthday cake too."
Frankie looked up at his sister. "Say Frankie!"
"No!" Johanna exclaimed, giggling as she did so.
"Mommy, she told me no!" he stated.
"Honey, Johanna doesn't know what that word means. She just keeps saying it because it's a new word she's learned. She'll say your name soon, I'm sure of it."
Her son sighed deeply. "It's taking so long."
"She's trying," Naomi assured as she laid the toys on the counter. "It's Daddy's fault that she learned to say 'no' today."
"She learned a new word on her birthday," Frankie stated.
"Yes, she did, just not the one we wanted," Naomi said as she sat Johanna on her feet. "Hold your sister's hand so I can get my wallet out of my purse, okay?"
Frankie nodded and took his sister's hand as Johanna reached out and clutched the hem of her mother's coat with the other hand. Naomi handed the money over to the cashier, asking for some nickels in her change. Once she was finished, she put her wallet back in her purse and accepted her shopping bag, prying Johanna's hand off of her coat and holding it. "Alright, now you two can have your pony ride," she said as they made their way to the mechanical horse in front of one of the store windows.
Frankie climbed onto the base of the horse and then hoisted himself into the saddle of the horse. "I'm going to put Johanna in front of you," Naomi said as she picked up her daughter and sat her on the horse in front of her brother. "Hold on to her while I put the nickel in the slot."
Frankie wrapped an arm around his sister's midsection, holding her tight as he held on to the horse with his free hand. Naomi dropped the coin in the slot and then put a protective hand on Johanna as well as the horse started to move.
"Giddy up, horsey," Frankie said with a laugh. "Giddy up."
Naomi couldn't help but smile as Johanna giggled with her brother. "Mommy," Frankie said, his tone light. "Are we going to go see Daddy at work?"
"No, not today," she told him as the ride ended.
Johanna started to fuss as the horse ceased its motion, her brother joining her in protest. "One more ride," Frankie stated.
"You can ride another time," Naomi told him.
"Please, Mommy…it's Jo-Jo's birthday, she wants another ride," he stated.
She smiled. "You have no qualms using your sister's birthday to get what you want, do you?"
Frankie grinned. "She likes it; she wants another ride…please?"
"Oh, alright, but after this one, you're both getting off and we're going home. I want both of you to take a nap so you won't be cranky when your grandparents come over tonight for dinner and cake."
"I don't want to take a nap," he whined.
"Then you'll play quietly while Johanna naps, because she's not getting out of it."
"No, no, no!" her daughter exclaimed.
Frankie laughed as Naomi took another nickel from her purse. "Jo-Jo told you no."
"I heard; but we'll see who wins," she said with a laugh as her daughter gave another chorus of nos.
"Giddy up, horsey!" Frankie exclaimed as the horse began to move once more, his sister squealing happily.
"You have beautiful children," an older woman said as she walked past Naomi.
She smiled. "Thank you, I think so too," she answered, thinking to herself that she was glad Johanna's eyes hadn't changed colors despite Frank's wishes. Her green eyes were a part of her beauty…they were special and she wouldn't change them for anything.
Snow crunched under Frank's shoes as he stalked across the cemetery to the stone at that marked Sarah McKenzie's grave. He hadn't brought her any flowers, feeling that today she was undeserving of such a gesture, even if it was rare for him to bring her a flower anyway. Today he was there to give her a piece of his mind and a man couldn't do that and lay down flowers at the same time. It just wasn't done.
"Why?" he demanded to know as he came to a stop in front of her stone. "Why did you have to pick my daughter to live through?"
Silence and stillness filled the world around him, reminding him of the eerie feeling it had inspired in him when he was eight years old and had found his way to his mother's grave months after her burial. His mother wasn't one for being quiet…she liked noise. She liked to be busy. She wouldn't like the silence and stillness of a world that seemed to be mute. She didn't have a choice though…but he had the choice not to visit and he didn't too often, unable to shake off the fears of childhood when they'd creep up on him.
"Why?" Frank repeated. "Why her? You have other granddaughters. Why didn't you pick one that I don't have to look at! Do you know how hard Naomi prayed for a girl? I even prayed for one with her…and you had to ruin it for me! It's not fair, Sarah! I finally had it all; a successful business, a home, a wife, a son…all we needed was a pretty little girl to complete the picture and we got one…only she looks like you! You ruined it! Just like you ruined all of our lives by being stupid and weak! Those aren't traits I want in my daughter."
The wind blew softly, sending a chill through him but he didn't care; his anger would keep him warm. "To make matters worse, Naomi goes and pins your middle name on her; so now I have a dark haired, green eyed Johanna as a constant reminder of a woman who caused her own death by being stupid!"
Frank paced a few steps and then turned back to his mother's stone. "It's not fair that you ruined it for me…do you know how much I loved her when I first saw her? It's just not fair. Johanna's a year old today and I'm still seeing you every time I look at her. I prayed for her eyes to change! Why couldn't you let them change? I don't want to remember you. For twenty-four years I've done my best to put you out of my mind and now you're looking back at me through my kid and it isn't right. If I grow to hate her, it's going to be your fault!"
His heart squeezed a little at the thought that he might grow to hate his daughter. Surely she wouldn't give him reason to hate her…at least he hoped not. She was still a baby…there was time; he could drive those traces of Sarah McKenzie from her soul. He'd make her strong and smart, he wouldn't accept anything less. He'd make sure she wasn't doomed to her grandmother's flights of fancy or her fate.
Her grandmother…the words echoed in his mind; it was hard to think of his mother as a grandmother. It was hard enough to allow himself to recall the kind of mother she had been. "It's not fair," he grumbled. "It's just not fair…you should be here…you should be at the house, spoiling her in the name of her birthday…bouncing her on your knee to make her laugh and singing her those silly songs you always made up. You should be sneaking Frankie cookies and telling him stories…you should be here; but you're not…and I hate you for it. I hate you…and every time I have to look into my daughter's eyes and see you, I hate you a little more. I just wanted you to know that," Frank stated before turning away from her grave.
He had only gotten a few steps away when the rain started to fall and he paused in his tracks. "It rains when the angels are crying." His mother had always said that…he could still hear her voice in his ear as if it was yesterday. Was this sudden shower the tears of Sarah McKenzie? It seemed likely, after all, he had no doubt that she had made it to heaven and was an angel. Had he made her cry? The thought made him feel slightly ashamed…and the part of him that was still that eight year old boy felt like crying too; but he wouldn't; just like he hadn't when he was eight. He was a McKenzie and McKenzie men didn't cry.
With that thought in mind, Frank jutted his chin upwards, and continued his walk back toward the car. He didn't feel up to a family gathering tonight, even if it was his daughter's first birthday…it wasn't like she'd remember if he was there or not; and besides, all he'd be able to think about was the person who should be there…the one he hated himself for wanting there. But Sarah McKenzie would never be there; just like she hadn't been there for any of his birthdays past the age of eight. He'd just be conveniently busy tonight and creep home once the handful of guests had gone home. Naomi would be angry but she had been angry when he left…so what was a little more anger? He could take the heat; he was a McKenzie…and McKenzies did what they had to do.
That evening, Naomi held off on lighting the candle on the cake as long as possible in hope that Frank would make his way home to celebrate with their daughter. She should've known better, she thought as she left her parents and father-in-law at the table with the kids as she went to the kitchen to get the cake. Her husband was too obsessed about his daughter's eye color and making sure his son wasn't a so called 'sissy'. He was missing yet another milestone of Johanna's life. He had been in Dallas at a convention when she laughed for the first time. He was at work the first time she crawled; at a ballgame when she spoke Dada as her second word. He was bowling when she took her first steps. Now he was brooding somewhere as she celebrated her first birthday.
It made her angry.
It also made her sad…all the hoping and praying they did for a little girl and he seemed bent on missing out and holding her at arm's length at times.
Naomi breathed deeply as she gripped the counter. If Frank didn't get over his issues, she could imagine a very bumpy relationship between him and his daughter as the years went by. She didn't want that…but she didn't know how to get him to properly bond with their daughter.
"Naomi," Patrick said as he entered the kitchen and made his way to her. "Where's Frank? Don't tell me he's at work because I just called the office and no one answered."
"I don't know where he is," she answered as she took the lid off of the cake holder.
"What's going on?" her father-in-law demanded to know.
"We had words," she stated as she opened the pack of candles. "I don't approve of the way he treats our children sometimes, especially our daughter."
"Meaning?"
"He doesn't give her the attention she deserves."
Patrick shrugged. "She's a girl; men prefer boys."
"Oh really?" Naomi remarked. "It's awful funny that you spend a lot of time playing peek-a-boo with her and still manage to give equal time to Frankie."
"It's different for Grandfathers," he said gruffly.
"I see…I guess that's why you allow your granddaughter to kiss you and yet her father won't allow it…he doesn't even want her kissing her brother."
"Well you can't have the boy turning into a sissy," Patrick stated.
Naomi rolled her eyes. "I heard all about that this morning and it's a bunch of bull."
"It's the truth!"
She carefully stuck the candle in the cake above the words 'Happy Birthday Johanna'. "I guess you also think it's okay for Frank to constantly carry on about Johanna's eye color."
"She has Sarah's eyes," Patrick stated, gruffness in his tone as he looked away.
"Yes, I know. It's all I've heard for a year."
"You can't expect Frank not to be bothered by it."
"What good comes of being bothered by it? Does it bother you?"
"Sometimes," Patrick admitted. "But I try to ignore it the best I can."
"I wish Frank would ignore it…I wish he'd see it as his mother living on and be comforted by it."
"He'd rather her stay buried."
"I think all of you would," Naomi remarked. "She's barely spoken of…Frank has a few photos of her but he keeps them locked in a box. I told him we should set one out with the rest of the family photos, he refuses. Even you don't have a picture of Sarah sitting out."
"I have her picture on my nightstand," he answered; "And one in my desk drawer. They're in places where only I see them; that's how I prefer it."
"Do you think that's right? When you all buried Sarah; you buried her memory too…and you buried it too deep."
"It's easier to forget, Naomi."
"Is it?" she asked; "Because if you ask me, none of you have been able to forget…and trying to keep her memory buried in a box doesn't do a damn bit of good. Maybe if you allowed yourselves to talk about her, remember her…set out a photo…maybe then you'd be able to work through it and move on with less pain."
Patrick shook his head. "She's gone, there's nothing to speak of."
"But there is…she's my mother-in-law and I know barely anything about her. Her grandchildren won't know anything about her if you and Frank and the others don't speak of her."
"They're not going to know her because she's dead; photos and stories aren't going to change anything; they're just secondhand accounts. To speak of her often would only serve to remind us all of the end. No one needs that. Seeing little Johanna look like her grandmother in some ways is enough to bring back that pain…especially the eyes…and it's possible that Frank recalls my mother always saying that green eyed women weren't to be trusted…green eyed women break the hearts of those who love them."
"That's ridiculous…it's just as ridiculous as Frank this morning saying that his mother's spirit is in our daughter. She's a beautiful baby girl…and clearly her grandmother was beautiful too. Sarah didn't break your hearts on purpose…but Frank might break Johanna's all because he can't get over this and it isn't right. So where are the warnings about brown eyed men? Perhaps it ought to be said that brown eyed men are hard hearted."
Patrick gave her a small smile. "Listen, Naomi; Frank will get used to her eyes being green one day. You'll just have to be patient. As for me, I love the little lass and I do my best to ignore the resemblance to Sarah…and as for Sarah; we have to leave her where she is."
"Do you think that's what she'd want?"
He smiled sadly. "No…but I guess that's what she gets for leaving me. Light the candle now, those kids are waiting for their cake and ice cream."
Naomi closed her eyes for a moment, swallowing back her frustration before she found the matches and lit the candle on the birthday cake. She carefully carried it to the table and held it away from Johanna's hands as they all sang 'Happy Birthday' to her.
"Frankie, help Johanna blow out her candle; make a nice wish for her," Naomi told him as she held the cake in front of Johanna's highchair.
Frankie stood on his chair and blew out the candle. "I wish for Jo-Jo to say my name."
She couldn't help but laugh softly as she sat the cake on the table. "I think that's more of a wish for you rather than a wish for your sister but I suppose it'll do."
"You should've seen that coming," Sophia remarked.
"Probably," she agreed. "Dad, did you get a picture of the cake with the candle lit?"
"I got it, Naomi," her father assured as he sat the camera back down on the table.
"Thank you," she said as she began slicing pieces of cake to pass out.
As the evening wore on, Naomi collected all the memories Frank was missing…the sight of their daughter's face smeared with pink icing as she shoved bites of cake into her mouth. The giggles between brother and sister as they wiped smears of icing on each other that she didn't have the heart to admonish them for. He missed seeing his father set Johanna on the rocking horse he had bought her. He missed watching her open her gifts, watching her toddle into Sophia's arms; hearing her laugh as her Grandpa Calabrese batted a pink balloon back and forth to her. He missed it all…and before she knew it, the grandparents all left to go home and she bathed the children, read them a story and put them to bed.
She cleaned up the mess, stored the leftovers and straightened up the house, leaving the gifts in the living room to be dealt with the next day. Soon there was nothing left to clean, the house quiet and she was all alone, her husband still absent…his daughter's birthday celebrated without him.
The house was dark when Frank finally let himself in the door that night. Silence surrounded him as he sat down the small bag he carried and shrugged out of his coat, hanging it on the hook near the door. He picked up the bag and made his way into the living room; the television was off, the room neatly straitened despite the small pile of opened birthday gifts in the corner near the playpen. The table was still sitting off to the side of the room; apparently whoever had helped her move it hadn't stayed behind to help her put it back at the end of the evening. He'd have to do it in the morning; he figured as he made his way into the dark kitchen and turned on the light. There on the counter in the cake holder was the leftover birthday cake; it's pink icing bright and pretty, befitting a little girl celebrating her special day.
Frank frowned, he had missed his daughter's birthday…her first birthday…just as he had missed her birth. It seemed like it was going to be the way between them. It wasn't a thought that made him feel good but at the moment there wasn't anything he could do about it. He couldn't change the way things had gone any more than he could change the color of her eyes and the way they made him feel. He turned off the kitchen light and left the room, heading for the stairs, climbing them quietly with his bag in hand. He went to Frankie's room first, slipping inside without a sound and going to the bed. He straightened the covers over his son and pressed a kiss to his head before he pulled a new toy train from the bag and sat it on the nightstand where Frankie would see it first thing in the morning. Hopefully it would smooth over any hurt feelings from the things he had said…just as he was hoping the earrings in his bag would smooth things over with Naomi.
He left his son's room and made his way across the hallway, entering his daughter's room. In the dim shafts of moonlight that spilled through the window, he could see Johanna sitting up in her crib. Frank made his way to the dresser and clicked on the small dim lamp, illuminating the room. "Hey, why are you awake?" he asked softly as he approached the crib.
Johanna looked back at him, pacifier in her mouth and her small hand curled around the foot of her teddy bear that Patrick McKenzie had given her shortly after her birth. His daughter didn't stretch her arms out to him as she normally did and he frowned slightly as he sat his bag down on the floor. "Are you okay?" he asked, his hand moving over her dark hair.
She stared at him, making him feel as though she was looking into his soul and judging him. It unnerved him and he reached out and pulled the pacifier from her mouth. "You're getting too big for this, Josie," he murmured as he laid it in the crib.
Johanna stuck her thumb in her mouth as a substitution as she continued to stare at her father.
"That's a smartass move, little girl," Frank stated as he gently pulled her thumb from her mouth.
She whimpered softly as he kept her from putting her thumb in her mouth.
"Let's not have any of that," he said as he lifted her into his arms. "Why aren't you sleeping?"
His daughter didn't give him her usual stream of baby babble or her string of dadas…she didn't try to cover his face with her kisses. Tonight, she was quiet and lacking her usual wiggling and giggling personality. He carried her to the changing table and checked her diaper but found her to be dry. "You're not getting sick are you?" he asked, a tinge of worry coloring his tone as he felt her forehead. She didn't show any signs of a fever so he lifted her back into his arms and got his bag before moving to the rocking chair and settling down with her on his lap.
Frank glanced at his watch. "It's still your birthday for thirty more minutes," he told her as he reached into the bag on the stand and pulled out a small rag doll. "I know Mama already got you a dolly, but I figure a girl can never have too many dolls," he said as he wiggled the doll at her.
Johanna smiled, her hands reaching for the doll. "You like it?" he asked as he allowed her to take it.
She gave her new doll a kiss and touched its face, a smile still on her lips. Frank laughed softly. "Happy Birthday, Josie."
His daughter cooed at her new friend and he brushed a kiss against her hair. "I guess your day got off to the wrong start this morning," he murmured. "That's my fault, not yours…I'm sorry. I'm sorry for missing your birthday party too. You won't remember that I wasn't there, but I will…and your mother will, so I'm not likely to forget even if I'd like to."
Johanna kept hold of her doll with one hand and rubbed her eye with the other.
"You're sleepy," Frank said as he shifted her a bit to cradle her, gently rocking the chair as he did so. She looked up at him, her fingers catching hold of the bottom of his tie. "You know I love you, right?" he asked quietly; "Because I do…it's just not easy…well, maybe that's not exactly the way to put it. It's not difficult to love you…it's just that you remind me of someone I'd rather forget. I know it's not your fault…but it doesn't seem to matter sometimes. I do love you though…I just wish things could be different; but wishes are foolish things, you know? Daddy doesn't put much stock in such things. Mommy's the dreamer…she's the one that makes the magic here; it's not me…not in any way. Mommy prayed for babies and God gave her babies, one of each, just like she wanted. I prayed for a simple change of your eye color and I was denied so that has to tell you something about your father, Josie. I'm not on the right side of things…I don't warm a pew every Sunday…in fact I can't even remember the last time I did warm one. Your Mommy goes though, which you know, because she takes you and Frankie…and I guess that gives her a better chance at getting the things she wants. That's okay though, she deserves everything that she wants…and she wanted you more than the moon and all the stars in the sky…and God gave her you. I wanted you too…I just hoped that you'd look exactly like your mother."
"Dada," Johanna said softly.
He nodded. "I know; you do look like her…but you look like someone else too. You look like your grandmother Sarah. You don't know her…but I'm sure she knows you; she's an angel now…has been for a long time…sometimes I wonder if she was ever really here at all," he said as he continued to rock his daughter. "You looking like her was the last thing I ever expected. It's the last thing I wanted too…it's taken the shine off things…but I still love you."
"No," his daughter remarked.
Frank's brow furrowed. "When did you start saying 'no'?"
"No!"
"I bet I'm getting blamed for that," Frank remarked; "But I do love you, Josie…I want you to know that."
"No!"
"Okay; I get it, you have a new word; now listen to me," he stated.
"No."
Frank smirked at her. "You're doing that on purpose, aren't you?"
"Mama," Johanna said.
"Mama told you to do it? I'll buy that," he replied.
"Mama," she said again as she rubbed her eye.
"You don't need mama right now; Daddy's here…I can put you to sleep just as well as she can."
"Mama," Johanna murmured, a whimper slipping across her lips.
"What, I'm not good enough for you?" he asked, taking offense as she started to fuss, gearing up to cry. "I even brought you a gift and now I'm not good enough to hold you while you fall asleep?"
"It's not like that at all, Frank," Naomi said from the doorway.
His head jerked up at the sound of his wife's voice. "How long have you been there?"
"Not long," she answered. "I heard someone moving around up here, I thought Frankie had gotten up and was over here waking up his sister."
"She was awake when I came in," Frank stated. "I don't know why though."
"Probably too much excitement for her this evening," Naomi replied as she entered the room and made her way to them. "It was hard to get her down earlier…but she looks sleepier this time."
"Mama!"
"Apparently she's made her choice too," Frank said gruffly as he got up from the chair and shoved their daughter toward Naomi.
"Frank," she said as she adjusted her hold on Johanna. "She wants me because I'm the one who always gets up with her when she wakes up at night…you never once got up with her in the middle of the night. I'm lucky if you come up and get her in the mornings. I tend to her when she's sick, when she's fussy, when she's tired…you don't give her all that much attention, Frank. When it comes to the kids, you give your attention to Frankie and whatever is left over, you give to Johanna and it's not much. She loves you…but she looks for me when she wants comfort because I'm the only one who gives it to her. If you want her to be that comfortable with you putting her to bed, then you need to start giving her some more attention."
"There's a gift for you in the bag," Frank said with a nod at the stand by the chair. "I'm going to go get ready for bed."
"Frank," she sighed.
"It's fine, Naomi; I don't care that she wants you. You're her mother, lullabies and bedtime stories are your job."
"And what's yours?"
"Keeping a roof over her head and food in her stomach," he replied.
"I think it's about more than that," Naomi remarked.
Frank shrugged. "I told you from the beginning that I wouldn't be good at this, Naomi."
"You're not a bad father…but you could give a little more feeling where your daughter is concerned…and you are the reason why her new word is 'no', it's all she hears from you. Frankie was so hoping her third word would be his name."
"She'll pick it up eventually," he said with a sigh, watching as she settled down in the chair.
"Dada," Johanna said, her head turning in his direction.
"She's waiting for her kiss goodnight," Naomi stated.
He huffed a little and leaned down, kissing her forehead. "Goodnight, Josie. Happy Birthday."
Naomi rocked slowly as she watched her husband leave the room and then she looked down at her baby. "Well, sweetheart; I guess Mama blew her promise to you. I told you on the day you were born we'd make your next birthday better…and today wasn't exactly what I had in mind. I didn't plan on Daddy having his hang ups…I didn't plan on us arguing or him skipping your little birthday gathering. Maybe neither one of us are good at this."
Johanna cuddled closer; her doll still clutched to her. Naomi smiled. "Did Daddy give you a doll? She's a nice dolly…I guess Daddy was out buying guilt gifts; that means he was wrong…he just doesn't like to say it. He does love you though, so do I…and I promise, we'll get your birthday right one of these years."
Johanna gave her a sleepy smile and she couldn't help but laugh softly. "I know, you're thinking 'one of these years?'…well, I'm afraid to promise it for next year because look at how this year went."
Her baby babbled at her sleepily and Naomi started humming a lullaby as she rocked her. It didn't take long for Johanna to fall back to sleep but she held her for awhile longer...her baby was a year old, she was walking…and soon she'd be running. She was learning words…it was already going by so quickly. She hugged her tighter as she swallowed hard; she hoped the year leading up to Johanna's second birthday would go slowly…she just wanted her to be her baby for awhile longer. Finally she rose from the chair and carried Johanna to the crib. She kissed her hair softly before laying her down, keeping her doll next to her as she covered her up. "Happy Birthday, Princess…let's take this next year slowly. I love you."
A/N: Fourth birthday is up next!