A/N: Thanks for your reviews!
Chapter 8 – Spiraling – Part 2
By eight that evening, Johanna's new black heels were abandoned beneath the coffee table and she was in the kitchen taking Jim's bottle of whiskey out of the cupboard. She poured herself a glass, knowing it wasn't the answer…but maybe she could find whatever it was that her husband found in it. She took a long sip, grimacing at the burn; feeling like liquid fire was sliding down her throat. She coughed a little as she carried the glass to the freezer so she could drop a few ice cubes into the amber colored liquid. She carried the glass and the bottle to the table and sat down, taking another sip…feeling that same burn once again, reminding her that it had been a long time since she had had something stronger than wine or champagne. Her days of staying out to all hours drinking with friends had ended long ago. Jim's however seemed to be going through a revival these last several months.
Tears stung her eyes as she thought of her husband. She couldn't believe that he had done this to her. He had actually stood her up on her birthday. In the past, she would've never thought him capable of being so thoughtless but he had proved her wrong. The ordeal at Christmas had been hurtful enough…but this was a new type of pain. It was bad enough that he had forgotten her birthday…it was worse that he had stood up there in their bedroom that morning and made plans with her that he apparently casually disregarded as soon as something more appealing came along. She didn't even warrant a phone call to tell her that he had changed his mind. Her vision blurred from the pool of tears in her eyes as she stared down into her glass.
Johanna scoffed softly as she wiped away a tear that broke free and slipped down her cheek. She supposed that she now knew for sure where she stood in the scheme of things. She listened to the ticking of the clock on the wall, the sound somewhat ominous in some way and she knew it was silly to feel that way but she did just the same. Thirty-three years old today and she felt like her life was spiraling out of control. Her husband was a stranger now a days…he was hardly around, his moods unpredictable. Their marriage was unraveling as quickly as a spool of thread and he didn't seem to care. She cared…she just didn't know how to fix it. Her career still felt unsteady; business at the law firm still a little slow despite having a few more cases than she had before the holidays. Her teaching position was still new and awkward…and she had to hear the peanut gallery of voices who liked to remind her that the class she taught was two more hours a week that she wasn't with her daughter.
She kept trying to do her best in every segment of life…and she kept feeling like she was failing. She ached inside almost constantly lately and yet she did her best to hide it. She had Katie to think of…her daughter didn't need to see her mother unhappy and depressed; so she pushed through it for her baby's sake, putting on a smile and baking brownies and playing endless rounds of Barbie dolls on the weekend while she dodged questions like 'when is daddy coming home?' and 'why isn't daddy happy anymore?'. Somehow she had lost control along the way. By the age of twenty-eight she had everything she had always wanted; a loving husband, a nice home, a beautiful baby, a successful career…and now, five years down the road, everything was different.
Johanna swiped another tear off her cheek as she took another drink; she wasn't even sure who she was anymore. Every day was the same lately; get up, get ready for work, get Katie ready to go to the babysitter, make breakfast…try to communicate with a husband who acted like she was invisible half the time. Try not to anger him too much in hopes that ignoring things would somehow make him realize what he was doing but that tactic didn't work any better than when she did speak up. She went to work, giving all the energy she could to each case, hoping it would lead to more work. There was dealing with Sharon who kept telling her to shake off her issues and not worry, let things take care of themselves. There was assuring Maggie that she was fine when they'd have lunch together. After work it was pick up Katie, give blasé answers to her in-laws when asked about Jim…try to keep her inner turmoil under wraps when she was with her own parents. Then it was go home, make dinner…eat with Katie while keeping a plate warm for Jim in hopes that he might come home before it had to be thrown out. Most evenings were spent trying to keep up on the cleaning, playing with Katie; getting her bathed and into bed…doing some work…watching tv as she sat up and waited for Jim to come home so she'd know he had gotten there safely. Two evenings a week she went to Columbia after a quick dinner…taught her class, picked up Katie and went home to the usual routines.
The tears came more rapidly; there weren't any date nights anymore. There wasn't whispered conversations and soft laughter in the dark. There weren't good morning kisses…sometimes there wasn't a kiss goodbye either. He didn't reach for her with the intent of love making on his mind. She was lucky if he rolled over in his sleep and draped his arm around her these days. The romance was gone…sometimes she felt like his love for her was gone too…and if it was, why didn't he just leave? She'd never force him to stay if he didn't want to…all he had to do was be honest; just say that he didn't love her anymore…that he didn't want to be a husband and full-time father. That's all he had to do…she'd set him free if he asked her to; all he had to do was give her full custody of Katie and leave if that's what he wanted. It wasn't what she wanted…she didn't want her marriage to end but she couldn't help feeling like it was inevitable at this point. He didn't care about her…he didn't care that he barely saw Katie and when he did, he yelled at her for being loud or for bothering him at the wrong moment.
All he cared about was his job, his friends, his drinks. Anger flooded her veins, wrestling against the hurt and disappointment. She wished he had never gotten that damn promotion. It had done something to him…something she didn't like…something she feared. It would have been better if they hadn't offered him the promotion…maybe then things would still be the same between them. Maybe then he'd still talk to her about what bothered him…maybe then he'd still offer to listen to the things that gnawed at her day in and day out. She never realized just how much she confided in him until he pushed her away, leaving her with no choice but to keep her thoughts to herself.
The clock kept ticking as she finally allowed a soft sob to escape her lips; the ice clinking against her glass as she took another sip. She glanced at her watch, eight-thirty and she was still alone…her anger grew; fury licking her veins. She hoped he was enjoying whatever it was that was more important to him than she was.
Usually Saturday nights found Frank McKenzie in the company of his wife; either for an outing to a movie or bowling with friends…or on the sofa together in front of the television with a big bowl of popcorn and the phone unplugged so that they could be undisturbed for a few hours. But some Saturdays, like tonight, Naomi would ask him if he minded if she went to the theater with her best friend and then stopped for coffee and a pastry before going home. He didn't mind her occasional girls nights and he sent her on her way, telling her that he'd go out with one of his friends as well. His evening was going well, he and his friend Hank had gone bowling and now they were stopping in at a nearby bar for a beer and to watch some of the basketball game on TV.
"I think I'll take the grandkids to that kids day event at the bowling alley next weekend," Hank said after they settled down at a table and ordered their beers. "What about you, Frank?"
He nodded. "I'm going to try to get my brood of grandchildren together for it. I don't think I'll have any trouble getting Greg and Claire…I'm sure Johanna will let me take Katie. The real question will be Colleen's two oldest. I'll take any of them I can get though…it's time they learn the game," he said lightly, enjoying the idea as he thought of spending the day with the little ones, teaching them something he enjoyed.
"It'll be fun," Hank agreed. "Sandy's going to have to go along to help me with them though."
"Yeah; Naomi's going to have to go too but I don't think she'll mind."
Their beers were delivered to their table and Frank took a long sip as laughter and cheers sounded from the other end of the bar where a group of people were watching one of the televisions that the game was on.
"Hey, Frank; isn't that your son-in-law," Hank said, nodding at the group of people.
"Which son-in-law?" he asked, taking another sip of his beer.
"The one you were at a ballgame with over the summer…Johanna's husband I believe."
Fury snapped in his eyes. "It better not be Jim," he said firmly; turning in his seat to look in the direction Hank had indicated. "Son of a bitch," he muttered.
"What's wrong?" his friend asked.
"That's my son-in-law," he said angrily. "He was supposed to take Johanna out tonight to celebrate her birthday. She told us that this afternoon when she and Katie came over."
"I don't see Johanna in that group of people," Hank said; his eyes scanning the group for his friend's dark-haired daughter.
"Of course not," he spat; "She's probably sitting home alone waiting on that little bastard to show up."
"Isn't he the son-in-law you liked?"
"Yeah…but I'm starting to like him less," Frank said as he rose from his chair.
"What are you going to do, Frank?"
"I'm going to go have a word with my daughter's husband…apparently he needs his attitude adjusted. I didn't like the little tidbits my granddaughter told me today and I don't like this even more. I'll be back."
Frank stalked across the bar, anger flickering in his veins as he neared the group of people. Sitting next to his son-in-law was a platinum blonde that had her hand on his arm. The woman had bimbo written all over her and he saw red. "Jim," he said firmly as he stepped up to the group of tables.
Jim flinched at the sound of his voice but quickly recovered. "Hey, Frank," he said lightly. "What are you doing here?"
Frank eyed him, his brown eyes cold and hard. "A better question is, what are you doing here?"
He looked at him oddly. "I'm having a drink with my colleagues…watching the game."
Frank nodded. "And where is your wife?"
"Who cares?" the woman next to Jim laughed. "She's no fun to have around."
Frank leveled her with a glare. "And just who the hell are you?"
"Melanie," she said; flicking her hair over her shoulder. "I'm Jim's friend. Who the hell are you?"
"I'm his father-in-law," he said firmly. "And if you've got something to say about my daughter; you go right ahead…but it might be the last thing you ever say."
Melanie rolled her eyes. "I see where Johanna gets her dramatics."
Frank gave her a cool smile. "You haven't seen dramatics yet. I don't hit women…but since you look to be a bimbo instead of a real woman with morals, I can make an exception. I suggest you go cozy up to someone else's husband because I have business to discuss with my son-in-law."
"You don't talk to me like that," Melanie said haughtily.
"Bitch, I'll talk to you any damn way I please," Frank remarked. "Respect isn't given, it's earned. You sit there and talk about my daughter while you have your hand on her husband…you get nothing from me…unless you want me to shut you up."
Melanie glared at him but got up from her chair. "I'm going to go touch up my makeup, Jim; we can finish our talk later when you're not busy."
Jim said nothing, seeing the wheels turning in his father-in-law's head and he knew what he was thinking. "It's not what it looks like," he stated.
"Uh huh," Frank said, seeing the eyes upon them as Jim's friends watched with interest. "I want to speak to you…alone…now."
Jim sighed deeply. "Is something wrong?"
"There's something wrong alright," Frank remarked. "Now are you going to get up out of that chair and follow me or am I going to drag you out of it in front of your friends?"
Jim got up from the chair, his beer bottle in hand and followed Frank to an unoccupied corner of the bar. "What is it, Frank?"
"Where's Johanna?" he asked; fury in his tone.
"I guess she's at home, why?"
"Because she's supposed to be out with you," Frank spat. "She told us you were taking her out to dinner tonight…so either you took her for a happy meal and dumped her at home so you could run to the bar here to be with your friends or she's sitting home waiting on you to show your face."
Jim's eyes closed. "Christ," he muttered.
"He's not going to help you," his father-in-law said angrily.
"I forgot about dinner, Frank. I only meant to have the one drink but I got caught up talking and watching the game when it came on and it slipped my mind. I'll make it up to her."
Frank shook his head. "You don't even know it's her birthday, do you?"
His face blanched and shook his head. "It's not…it's next weekend."
"No; it's today."
"No, it isn't."
Frank's fist clenched in fury. "I'm her father, I know when the hell she was born. She was born on Sunday, February 4, 1951 at 5:03 a.m. in Brooklyn. Don't you tell me it isn't her birthday. If it wasn't her birthday, Naomi wouldn't have baked her a cake and took Katie to buy her gifts because once again you couldn't be bothered. I don't mind making sure that Katie has a gift for her mother…Johanna's our daughter, we'll take care of her, it's not a hardship…but what pisses me off is that it's supposed to be your job. I gave her to you…I did it without qualms because I trusted you to be a good man who take care of her, giving her everything she needs and wants. You're falling down on the job."
Jim scoffed. "You want to preach at me about how to treat Johanna? You? You who have hurt her more than anyone on the face of the earth and you want to preach at me?"
He grabbed him by the front of his shirt. "No, I don't want to preach at you…I want to punch you in the damn mouth, not just for what you just said but because I hear you like yelling at my granddaughter lately and I don't see where she's an ill-behaved child who deserves being yelled at all the time."
"If I yell at Katie it's because she's done something to deserve it," he retorted as he jerked free of Frank's grasp. "Johanna coddles her so damn much that she gets away with everything."
"That's a lie and you know it," Frank retorted. "I've seen her discipline her. I'm not saying she shouldn't be disciplined for bad behavior…but the way it sounds, any excuse is good enough. She set at my table today and told me she was glad her daddy was working because all he does is yell. Then she told me all about how you yell and cuss at my daughter on the phone…so yeah, I don't want to preach at you, Jim. I want to punch you right in the mouth but I won't…not here anyway. I don't know what the hell is going on with you but you better knock it the hell off. I won't have you trifling with my daughter's heart."
"You're a good one to talk," Jim said with a laugh. "Standing there acting like Johanna's the apple of your eye. You've treated her like garbage most of her life and let's not forget, when you 'gave her away' to me, you told me once I took her there were no returns; so keep your nose out of my marriage and mind your own damn business."
Frank gave a short bitter laugh. "You listen to me, you sanctimonious prick; I know I've never been the best father…I know I could've done better…but she's still my baby and no one hurts her and gets away with it. No one. If you don't want her, then you be a man and tell her it's over and I'll gladly take her back…because at the moment, you don't deserve her…but mark my words; when she goes, Katie goes with her…I'll make sure of that. Your mother wants to act like your family is on par with the Rockefellers but you're not…I've got just as much money or more than your family…and putting all of it behind Johanna to make sure she keeps her baby and her home and anything else you own will be money well spent; so you think about that smart ass. You think about it."
"We're not getting divorced," Jim spat. "I'm allowed to have a goddamn life! I don't have to sit home and hold her hand all day every day."
"No one asked you to. No one said you had to…but you married her and owe her some damn time and loyalty. You forget her birthday; you make dinner plans and you're here in a bar and she's sitting home alone because I know for a fact that Katie is at Frankie's for a sleepover. So my daughter is spending her night alone because clearly she's not important enough to you to remember. She had to beg you to come home for Christmas. You never seem to be around…now you've done this to her. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Nothing," he spat.
"Oh it's something," Frank stated. "Are you running around on my daughter? Is that bimbo your mistress?"
"No! She's my colleague; nothing more."
"Uh huh…well let me tell you something, Jim; if I ever hear that you're screwing around on her, I swear to God, I'll kill you…and I've got plenty of construction sites to bury your ass in. I'll put you in one of those sites and put a ten-story building on top of you and no one will ever find you. You'll just disappear."
Jim laughed. "Who do you think you are, the Godfather?"
"No; I'm worse," Frank stated. "I'm the father of two daughters…and while I admit, I wasn't the best father, I won't stand around and let some man hurt them, whether it be with an affair or their fists. I'd bury Paul just as easily as I'll bury you…so when you cross that line and lay down with that bimbo, you just remember that those things have a way of being found out…and I'll have a nice place waiting on you when I do. If you decide to move up from yelling at her to beating on her; I'll be beating on you until there's nothing left of you but whatever I throw in that hole. So you think long and hard about what the hell you're doing, Jim."
"I didn't mean to forget her birthday," Jim remarked. "The days got away from me…I thought it was next week."
"Seems like a lot of things get away from you lately," his father-in-law stated. "If you're not careful; your wife and daughter might get away from you too. You can judge me all you want…I know Johanna and I haven't had the best father-daughter relationship…but I loved her long before you ever entered the equation and I won't let you break her heart. Thirty-three years ago today I thanked God for answering our prayers for a healthy baby girl. Thirty-three years ago today, I knew I had it all…a successful business, a beautiful wife, a handsome son to carry on my name and a beautiful little girl to make us complete. So you can think of me what you want…but one day some man is going to break your daughter's heart and you're going to know how I feel right now…you're going to hurt for her…you're going to want to rip that man to shreds for having the audacity to hurt her. You're going to think about this moment…you're going to think about the hurt you caused. You're going to feel like an ass…you're going to want to apologize for the male species that you're apart of…and you won't like being a part of it once one of your own hurts your baby. You'll think about how much you love her…and when you do, you remember that I love my daughter just as much."
Jim's gaze darted away from him, feeling chastened. "I'll do better," he said quietly.
"You better go beyond better," Frank stated. "You better get your head out of your ass and start acting like a man instead of stupid college kid who only cares about when the next party starts. You're a married man and a father; you better get back to acting like it or you're going to answer to me…you might look at me and think I'm some old man that you can handle…well I assure you, Jim; you can't. I will hurt you…and I won't feel one ounce of remorse for it. Now you've got two choices tonight; you can either go back over there with your friends and continue not to care or you can get your sorry ass out of this bar and go home to your wife…and if you don't take option two, I'm going to beat the living hell out of you tonight."
"I'm going," Jim spat, hating the feeling of being chastened...hating even more that it had come from Frank. He hadn't meant to stay so long…he didn't mean to forget her birthday. It didn't mean that he didn't love his wife…they were just having a rough spot…which would be easier if she was more understanding of the way things were right now.
"I don't see your feet moving," Frank remarked.
Jim glared at him. "You've gave me your little spiel, Frank; you can go now. I'm leaving. I have to go try to find a gift to take home, is that okay with you?"
"You really think you're going to find something at nine-thirty when a lot of the stores are closing as we speak? You never used to be so stupid, Jim. If that's what promotions do for you, you might want to think about passing on them because you can't afford to get any dumber."
"I'm not stupid!" he hissed.
"Yeah, you are," Frank replied. "You're a stupid ass. You've got a good, faithful woman who loves you at home, a pretty little girl who adores you and you'd rather spend all your time away from them. Yeah; you're stupid…it's a shame how stupid you've gotten. You were the son-in-law I liked."
"You don't like me anymore?" Jim repeated.
"No, I don't…right now I just want to rip your head off. Now if you were to cure your stupidity and go back to treating my daughter and granddaughter with the love and respect they deserve, then you can earn back my respect and esteem. Until then, I don't like you any more than I like Paul…and that's not much. Now get your coat and get the hell out of this bar before I throw you out of it myself," Frank stated; "And keep in mind that I can show up anywhere at any time…just like I did tonight…and if I catch you doing something I don't like; something that hurts my daughter…it'll be your last night on the town."
"I got the message, Frank," Jim retorted as he stormed away, making his way back to the table and grabbing his coat off the back of the chair.
"Where you going, Jim?" Zach asked.
"Home to my wife," he stated tersely before downing the rest of his beer and leaving the bottle on the table.
"Make sure that's where you go," Frank said as Jim neared him once more. "I'm going to be here for awhile…so if you're thinking about circling the block a few times and coming back; I'll be waiting for you."
"I'm going to find my wife a gift and then I'm going home," Jim stated as he pushed past his father-in-law; a sinking feeling in his gut as the realization of what he had done sunk in. He forgot her birthday…he broke their date…she was going to be angry. He really hadn't meant to hurt her like this…but he had a feeling that she wouldn't believe him anymore than Frank did.
His watch said ten-thirty when Jim finally walked through the door of his home; feeling a little thankful that he hadn't found his belongings on the lawn…because he had envisioned many scenarios on the way home and that one seemed the most likely. The house was oddly quiet as he laid the bouquet of roses and the card down on the stand and shrugged out of his coat. There weren't any sounds of a television or a radio…no sounds of a four-year-old…no sounds of a wife moving around, putting things to rights. Trepidation slid down his spine as he gathered up the flowers and stepped into the living room. The room was void of his wife's presence. Jim frowned a little moving further into the room, noting the shiny black heels lying under the coffee table; the gift bags containing presents that she had set in front of the tv stand to be dealt with later.
He sighed quietly, laying the flowers on the arm of the couch so that he could pick up the pile of cards on the coffee table; figuring he may as well see who had remembered while he had been busy forgetting. The first card read was signed Love Frankie and Valerie; the following card, Greg and Claire; then came one signed by Colleen; then was a card signed Lindsey, Samantha and Brandon…one signed Love Mom and Dad…Love Grandma…with love, Elizabeth and Robert…"
Jim closed his eyes; God, even his parents had remembered. There was a card signed Maggie, Jeff, Chrissy and Jeffery…one from Sharon and Molly…Mark and Cathy…Aunt Bridget and Uncle Will; Andrew. Christ, even his own brother had remembered and according to the postmark, he had mailed the card several days ago from Colorado where he was working on a project. Great. Just great. On the bottom of the pile was the construction paper card that Katie had made…another reminder that he had dropped the ball and that his in-laws once again had to provide his daughter with an impromptu shopping trip to find a gift for her mother. He blew out a breath and put the cards back on the coffee table. The card he had chosen for his wife at the drug store was somewhat plain; there hadn't been much of a selection. He had tucked a fifty dollar bill in it…she wouldn't like that but it was all he had besides the flowers. The jewelry stores were closed…there hadn't been time to browse Macy's or Bloomingdales in search of the perfect gift.
Her birthday was always a difficult shopping trip…the day came six weeks after Christmas and ten days before Valentine's Day. That was a lot of gift buying in a short period of time. Coming home empty handed in the area of a nice gift didn't make him feel good...but there wasn't anything he could do about it now. He'd just have to make it up to her somehow. He gathered up the flowers and headed for the kitchen, noting that the light was on as he made his way up the hallway. Slowly he crossed the threshold, his gaze finding his wife at the table, a glass of whiskey in her hand; her green eyes dark and stormy with anger.
"I'm sorry, Johanna," he said quietly as he met her eye.
Johanna scoffed. "Spare me your false apologies, Jim. I don't want to hear it."
"It's the truth…I am sorry," he told her. "So very sorry."
"The hell you are," she said, her voice rising as she got up from her chair, allowing him to see that she was still clad in the dress she had bought for their dinner date. "Where were you?"
Jim said nothing, taking stock of the anger that he could read in her face and her body.
"Where were you!" she yelled. "Answer me!"
"I finished up my business at four and the guys invited me out to have a drink…I thought I'd have time for just one…but then I got caught up talking and time got away from me," he replied.
"I just bet it got away from you," she said sharply. "You knew that you stood there in our bedroom this morning and made plans with me. You knew! You tell me to go buy a new dress…which I did…you tell me you'll make the reservations for seven and to be ready on time…I was ready at five-thirty…while you were already sitting in a bar forgetting that I even exist."
He shook his head. "It's not like that."
"Yeah, it is," she yelled, wobbling a little as she moved away from her chair. "Having that drink with your buddies is so much more important than anything you promise me."
"Don't start about the drinking, Jo," Jim replied. "You're sitting there drinking yourself."
"Yes, I am," she said. "I thought maybe I could find whatever it gives you but I haven't found any happiness in it like you do. All it did for me was give me something to hold while I thought about where you might be...and why everyone else is so much better to be with than me."
"Jo," he sighed, moving closer. "It's not like that."
"Yeah, it is. You make it so obvious that you don't want to be here. You make it so clear that Katie and I are just your obligations…"
"No," Jim stated. "That's not true."
Johanna gave a bitter laugh. "Oh really? I guess that's why you didn't tell your friends that you'd catch them the next time; that you needed to go home because you told your wife you'd take her out for a change…but no, you didn't do that. You never do that because we don't matter. You don't want to be with us…because if you did, you'd be here."
"I have to work, Johanna."
"I'm aware of that, Jim. I have to work too…and yet I'm still home every night. You don't have to sit and worry about where I am and what I'm doing…but I get to sit and worry about you. Ever since you got that goddamn promotion all you are is mister hot shot; all you care about is work and your friends and your drinks. You go out every night and have yourself a real good time while I'm home raising your child…and cooking meals you don't show up to eat, washing your clothes, making sure the bills are paid because you can't be bothered to tend to anything lately. It must be nice to be so free of responsibilities. It must be nice to just do whatever the hell you want when the mood strikes."
"You do plenty of things you want," Jim retorted.
Johanna laughed. "Oh sure, as long as it's somewhere I can take Katie with me…because it's not like her daddy ever stays home to look after her for an hour. No; can't have that, it might get in the way of that ballgame or that drink you need to have to 'blow off steam'…you'd think you were a locomotive instead of a so called man with all the steam you blow off. All I get to do is go to work, come home, cook meals, wash clothes, clean the house, take care of Katie, wait and see if you're drunken ass ever falls through the door and then I get up and do it all over again the next day and the one after that and the one after that…while you do whatever you please because you don't care, Jim. You don't care. You don't want to be here. You don't want me…you don't even want Katie…do you know that you haven't even seen her in two days?"
"That's a lie!" he yelled.
"No, it isn't! You saw her for about twenty minutes Thursday night…you left for work before I got her up Friday; she was in bed before you came home; she was still asleep when you left this morning and she'll be at her sleepover until lunchtime tomorrow. You haven't seen her and you don't care that you haven't seen her. All you do is yell at her because she aggravates your hangovers by speaking or because she wants your attention and all you want to do is drown in work. You're on track to have a real good relationship with her in the future. She's already walking around here checking rooms to make sure you're not in them before she sets foot in it."
His jaw tightened with anger. "Yeah; well maybe I'd see her more if you hadn't moved her bedtime up."
"I moved her bedtime up a half hour because I was tired of her having to cry herself to sleep because you either yelled at her or brushed her off when she'd ask you to read her a story. She loves you and you haven't done a damn thing to show her that you love her lately."
"I'll apologize to Katie again. I'll make it up to her."
"Sure you will," she said sarcastically. "And let me guess, you'll make dinner up to me too, right?"
"I will," he said with a nod.
"Yeah; when hell freezes over," Johanna retorted. "Did you even bother to make a reservation tonight, Jim?
He breathed deeply. "What does it matter? I did but you're not going to believe me."
"You're right," she said angrily; "I don't. I don't believe you at all. You didn't have any intention of taking me out tonight."
"I did, sweetheart."
She scoffed, looking as though she had been slapped by the word. "Don't you sweetheart me," she said, her voice shaking.
"I always call you sweetheart," Jim replied.
"No, you used to," she stated. "You haven't lately. Lately it's 'Johanna'…because all I have to do is look at you and you get pissed off at me."
"Well sometimes you do piss me off," he retorted. "Sometimes you just don't listen…you have to nag and complain and mother. I don't need a goddamn mother; I already have one."
"You don't seem to need a wife lately either," she shot back. "Maybe you have a new one lined up."
"Don't even go there!" he yelled.
"Why not? Is it hitting close to the truth?"
"No, it isn't! I don't have anyone lined up to be a wife…I already have one and if I didn't, I sure as hell wouldn't want another one."
Johanna swallowed hard. "You don't have to have me, Jim. It's quite easy to get rid of me."
He blew out an exasperated breath. "I don't want to get rid of you. I'm sorry about tonight. I'm sorry that I got the days mixed up and didn't realize that today was your birthday. I'm sorry," he said, holding the bouquet of roses out to her.
She stared at the flowers for a moment and then looked him in the face. "Twelve roses are supposed to make up for it?" she asked. "Twelve roses that you probably bought on the way home after someone mentioned the date and you knew you needed to save your ass? Well you wasted your money; I don't want them."
"Jo, please; take them," he said thrusting them into her arms.
She smirked at the red roses he forced into her hands and then she stormed across the kitchen and threw them into the trash can. "That's what I think of your pity gift, Jim."
"There's money in the card you just threw away."
"I don't care. I don't want your money! I wanted you!" she yelled. "Why don't you get that!"
"I'm sorry!" he yelled back. "Mistakes happen, Johanna. I didn't do it on purpose regardless of what you think! You're thirty-three years old; you don't need to carry on about a birthday like you're Katie's age!"
"Are you really stupid enough to think it's about my birthday?" Johanna exclaimed. "It's not about that, jackass; it's about the fact that you stood me up after making plans with me. It's about the fact that last weekend you promised we'd be together today. It's about how you constantly break promises lately. It's about so many things…it's about how you're too much of a coward to tell me that you don't love me anymore."
"That's not true!" Jim yelled. "I love you!"
"No, you don't!" she cried; tears spilling down her cheeks. "You don't give a damn about me anymore. All I am to you is your childcare provider, your cook, your laundress, the person who picks up your dry cleaning…I'd say and your whore but you don't seem to need me for that anymore either. You don't even look at me let alone act like you want me. You don't talk to me; we don't do anything together anymore. We don't have a marriage anymore…all we are is roommates. I sat here all night wondering when you're going to be a man and tell me it's over…because we both know it is, Jim."
His heart clenched, his stomach tightening with fear that he turned into anger. "Don't you say that!" he seethed. "Our marriage isn't over because I forgot a damn dinner date!"
"It's not about the damn dinner; it's about everything I said!" she yelled. "I know it's over…I just keep waiting on you to tell me."
"It's not over," he said angrily. "I'll do better, Johanna; I swear I will. I'll make tonight up to you."
She scoffed, swiping at her tears as she did so. "Yeah, right; we'll be divorced by my next birthday so I highly doubt you're going to make anything up."
"Don't say that," Jim said, his tone quiet and firm.
"Why? You have an aversion to the truth nowadays?"
"Your side of things isn't the gospel truth, Johanna. You do what you want all the time; whether it be with your shopping sprees or taking the job at Columbia without discussing it with me."
"I tried to discuss it with you! You kept brushing me off. As for what I buy; my money pays for it!"
"You kept the job even after you told me you'd back out," Jim shot back.
"Yeah; I did. I wanted it and I kept it because I wanted something for myself for a change!"
"You get everything you want!" Jim thundered. "You wanted marriage; you got it. You wanted a baby; you got one. You wanted a house, you got one. You have a closet full of clothes and shoes, a jewelry box full of jewelry, a car. You have everything and it's still not enough for you! What more do you want!?"
"You," she murmured. "It's always you."
"You have me!"
Johanna shook her head. "I have your name but I don't seem to have you lately."
"That's bullshit," he said; his own frustration growing.
"No, it isn't. You're hardly around…and I know, you have to travel for work, I understand that. What I don't understand is why you take every opportunity to be away from home when you're not traveling. I don't understand it. It's like you go out of your way to stay away from home. We barely talk when you are here; I say the least little thing and you take my head off about it…because you're a mean drunk a lot of the time…and you're even worse hungover. You don't even know what goes on in my life and when I try to tell you, you just brush me off. You don't talk to me…not even about yourself. We used to share everything. We used to do things together…you used to get mad when our plans would be interrupted and now you're the one breaking them so you can stay away."
"I'm surprised that you even notice that I'm not home," Jim retorted. "You're always so busy trying to be mother of the year; you're so desperate to be just like your mother that you pour most of your effort into it. Katie gets all of your attention; you don't have anything left over."
"That's a lie!" she yelled. "I've got plenty for you; you just don't want it! And for that matter, Katie has to have at least one parent because you're not overly interested anymore."
Jim scoffed. "When you're not busy with Katie; you're busy brooding over losing your job because you just can't let it go. Well it's time to get over it, Johanna; you didn't play the game the way they wanted. Move on. As for us doing things, like I told you earlier, I shouldn't have to date you anymore, we're married. I've got a job that has me extremely busy; you have two jobs and Katie…we don't have time for dating. We already did that; we moved on. I can't just drop things to sit here and hold your hand all the time. I have to work and I like having a damn life outside of this house. Maybe if you got one you wouldn't be like this. You don't need Katie glued to your hip all the time; that's why she's the way she is."
Her heart felt like it was in pieces, her eyes blurring from tears but she was determined not to let them fall. "Don't worry, Jim; when the time comes, I'll be taking Katie with me. You can give me full custody and then you won't have to be bothered by us…we won't be in the way of you having a life."
He felt like his heart dropped at the words. "You're not going anywhere."
"We'll see about that. I'm going to start the paperwork Monday," Johanna said, picking up her glass and downing the rest of the contents. "Happy Birthday to me."
Fear slammed into him at the words; he didn't want to lose her or Katie. He didn't want this. She moved around the table, aiming to leave the room and he caught hold of her wrist but she shook him off. He ran after her, catching hold of her elbow at the stairs. "Jo, please…don't do that. Don't leave me."
"Why not?" she cried, allowing the tears to break free. "You don't want me anymore."
"That's not true; I do want you," he said, his hands circling her arms. "Please, sweetheart…don't do anything drastic. Please. I'm sorry…I really am; please believe me, I'm sorry…not just about tonight but for everything. I'll do better."
"That's what you said at Christmas," she sniffled. "And then you came home for New Year's and acted like an ass."
"I know," Jim murmured, taking the risk of slipping his arms around her waist, his fingertips rubbing against the small of her back. "I didn't mean to be. I'm sorry; I'll make it up to you, I swear I will. I'll do better, I promise."
"I'd like to believe that," Johanna replied, her heart aching. She didn't want her marriage to end…but in some ways it felt like it already had. It didn't have to be a permanent feeling though…if he'd just give a little effort. Didn't he realize that maybe she'd quit dwelling on so much if she had a sliver of his attention…if she could talk things out with him like she always had? All he had to do was give her some effort and she'd settle some too.
"You can believe me," he told her. "I know I have to leave for Vermont for work next Sunday…but I promise I won't go out this whole week. I'll come home on time. I'll watch Katie this week while you teach your class; I'll play whatever game she wants to play and I promise I'll be more patient with her. She doesn't mean to get loud sometimes; she's just a little girl and she gets excited. Friday night we'll go out to dinner and see a movie; I'm sure Mom would watch her while we're doing that. Just give me another chance…please? I love you, Johanna. I love Katie. Please don't start any paperwork. Give me another chance, sweetheart."
Despite her anger and frustration, her heart overruled her head. She could at least give him a chance if he was willing to try. "You're not going to go out this week?"
"No."
"No drinking?" she asked.
He hesitated; sometimes he needed a drink after work. "Even at home?"
Johanna eyed him; wondering if she should demand zero drinks or if she should offer a compromise. "You don't think you can do without it?"
He breathed deeply. "I'm sure I can…but sometimes it's nice to have a drink after a long day at work."
"Can you just have one?" she asked; seeking the compromise instead of a ban.
Jim nodded. "Yeah; I can just have one."
"Could you wait to have it until after Katie is bed?" she asked; hoping that if she put that restriction on it then he might forget to have it all.
"Okay," he replied; unwilling to argue the timeframe when she had looked so serious about obtaining divorce papers.
"You're going to watch her while I teach my class?"
"Yes; I swear."
"Alright," she murmured.
"You won't start any paperwork?" Jim asked.
She shook her head. "No."
A small smile of relief touched his lips. "Thank you, sweetheart," he told her, taking the risk of capturing her lips in a soft kiss. "It's just a bad spot but I'll make it better."
Johanna nodded in acceptance of his words, wanting nothing more than to believe it would get better now but she knew it wouldn't be that easy…nothing ever was.
Since she made no move to step away from him, Jim caught her lips once more for a deeper kiss, desperate to prove that he loved her. She allowed his kiss and he grew hopeful that maybe they could salvage a small part of the night as he pulled her closer, his mouth moving to the side of her neck but she pulled away. "No, not this time," Johanna said quietly. "I'm not just going to fall into bed with you tonight and pretend it's all better as soon as it's over…I'm not. Not tonight…not so you can feel like you proved something…and not because I want to be comforted. Not this time."
"Okay," he said, his hands slipping away from her. "I understand."
"I'm going to bed," she murmured. "I don't feel all that great."
"That's probably the whiskey," Jim commented.
"I never could drink on an empty stomach," Johanna remarked as she turned and headed up the stairs, feeling like her stomach might rebel at any moment.
Jim watched her go, thinking about the dinner he was supposed to take her to and how she had set home all night by herself…drinking on an empty stomach. She wasn't drunk but she'd probably had enough that it would make her sick. She never could take more than a shot or two of whiskey without getting sick at some point in the night. He sighed deeply as he stared up the stairs, listening to the squeak of the bathroom door as it closed. He wondered if he was welcome to share their bed that night or if she'd want him to sleep elsewhere. Figuring that he better ask before he assumed that he was welcome, he headed up the stairs and was about to knock on the bathroom door when he heard her being sick. Jim paused for a moment and then opened the door, slipping inside and going to her, pulling her hair back from her face as she continued to be sick. When she finished, he got her a cool washcloth and wiped her face. "You okay?" he asked.
"Yeah," Johanna said quietly as she took the cloth and pressed it to her face once again. "I don't know what you see in it…I'm not even drunk and I feel hungover."
"You're just not used to it…you haven't really drank anything but wine in a good while."
"Now I know why," she said as she moved to the sink to brush her teeth.
"Jo?"
"What?"
"Am I allowed to sleep in our room?" he asked.
She was quiet for a long moment as she put the toothpaste on her toothbrush. "Yeah; I guess so."
"You're sure?"
Johanna nodded. "Yeah…but I meant what I said…nothing's going to happen tonight so don't even think about it…because if you try it, you will sleep elsewhere."
"I know and I understand…I am sorry about tonight though."
"Yeah; you've told me."
He knew what that meant he thought to himself; he had told her but she wasn't sure she believed it. Quietly he left the room to allow her her privacy as she got ready for bed. It felt like it was going to be a long night…and part of him wished he could pour a quick nightcap to sip as he locked up the house and waited for his turn in the bathroom but he didn't think that would be wise.
Later that night when he entered their bedroom; Johanna was already in bed, turned mostly away from his side but her face was visible and he knew she was still awake despite her light being turned off.
"I took your flowers out of the garbage," he said quietly as he slipped into his place.
"You should've left them there…I don't want them. I don't want to look at them and think about tonight," Johanna said softly.
"They're just a promise that I'll get you something better."
"You don't have to get me anything."
"Yes, I do and I will," Jim stated.
He could but she knew that whatever it ended up being she probably wouldn't use it. It would lay in a drawer somewhere, hidden away so she could forget this disaster of a birthday.
"Can I kiss you goodnight?" her husband asked.
"If you want to…but just a kiss."
"I know," he said as he shifted, leaning over her to kiss her goodnight. "I love you."
"I love you too," Johanna whispered; hating that it had taken the threat of divorce papers to bring back his affectionate side.
Jim turned off his light and settled back into his spot as she turned her back more fully to him. "I keep wanting to tell you Happy Birthday but I know it's probably not the best thing to say."
She scoffed. "That's the understatement of the year so far. With the exception of the time spent with Katie and my mother, it's been one of the worst birthdays of my life. I think I'll just skip it next year."
He grew quiet, feeling like scum for ruining her day…for breaking their plans and perhaps even her heart tonight. He laid there in the darkness thinking about how badly he had screwed up and then he heard the soft sniffles from her side of the bed, telling him that she was crying once more. His heart throbbed and he moved across the center of the bed and wrapped his arm around her, his chest pressing against her back as she brushed a soft kiss to her hair. "I'm sorry," Jim whispered. "So sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry."
After a few minutes, she gave in and turned in his embrace, nestling against his chest for the first time in days…maybe even weeks she thought sleepily to herself. His arm tightened around her as he continued to murmur soft words to her and soon she drifted to sleep; teardrops seeping through his thin cotton shirt.
Jim sighed deeply once he knew she was asleep. He had to make this up to her…he just didn't know how.
Late the next morning, Jim parked in front of Frankie's house and got out of the car with the intent of collecting his daughter. He felt like he had practically begged Johanna to allow him to do it, telling her to stay home and nurse the slight headache she had. She had resisted at first and he figured she probably worried that he'd stop off somewhere and forget to pick up their child but that wasn't going to happen. He needed to get Katie and then he needed to go find some gifts for his wife and some way to make up for the night before. He didn't think he'd be able to talk her into going out…so they'd have to do something at home.
He knocked on the door and Valerie opened it, ushering him into the living room where the kids were playing; Claire and Katie sitting on Frankie's back giggling as he pretended to be their horse.
"Alright, ride's over," Frankie stated. "Everyone out of the saddle."
The girls slid off his back and Katie's giggles faded as she noticed her father in the room. "You ready to go, Katie?" Jim asked, noting that her overnight bag was sitting on the couch.
Katie frowned, pressing close to her uncle's leg as he got to his feet. "Where's Mommy?" she asked.
"At home," he replied. "Why don't you say goodbye to your cousins and we'll get going."
Her bottom lip poked out. "I want Mommy."
"You'll see Mommy when you get home. Come on, honey, say goodbye and let's get your stuff."
"Her bag is all packed, I got it ready a little while ago," Valerie said with a nod at Katie's overnight bag. "I double checked to make sure her bunny was in there."
Jim nodded. "Thanks for having her over last night."
"Oh that's no problem," Valerie said. "She's always nice to have over; the kids had fun. You can come back soon, Katie."
"I want Mommy to take me home," Katie remarked.
"Mommy's waiting for you at home," Jim said; trying not to be frustrated by his daughter's behavior. He really hadn't expected that she'd have an issue with him picking her up; it wasn't like he never had before. "Let's go."
"No, I don't want to go with you," she stated.
"Why doesn't she want to go with you?" Frankie asked, eyeing his brother-in-law with slight suspicion.
Jim sighed. "I yelled at her the other day and she's holding a grudge. Go get your coat, Katie. We've got things to do."
"He yells all the time," Katie stated.
"I do not," he retorted. "Get your coat on."
"Come on, Katie," Valerie said, holding her hand out to her. "I'll help you with your coat."
"Why didn't Johanna come to get her?" Frankie asked.
"Because she has a headache and I told her to rest. Why? Do you think I did something to her?"
"It just seemed odd because the majority of the time she does the dropping off and picking up…and then Katie saying she didn't want to go with you. You can't blame me for wondering. I could just drop her off after while if you have things to do and Johanna isn't feeling well."
"No," Jim said. "I'm going to take her with me. She's not going to get in the habit of having her own way all the time. Johanna coddles her enough."
"Maybe Katie should stay here," Frankie remarked. "You don't seem to be in a good mood and she doesn't want to go."
"Quit looking at me like I abuse her. I'm sure you yell at your kids; in fact I've heard you do it."
"Yeah, I do yell at them sometimes," Frankie replied. "But it doesn't stop them from walking out the door with me. Johanna hasn't been acting like herself for weeks and Katie's saying she doesn't want to leave with you so that tells me that something's wrong. What the hell is going on, Jim?"
"Nothing," he sighed. "We're just having a little rough spot; it happens to everyone. You don't need to act like I beat my wife and kid because I don't."
"I didn't say you did," his brother-in-law remarked. "All I said was that something seems wrong. If I thought you were beating on them, I would've done taken care of you…and since your neck isn't broken you can assume that I didn't leap to that conclusion."
"Good, because it's not like that."
"That's good," he said; "Because I don't really want to go to jail right now…but I would if it came down to it. I take it that you and Johanna didn't have a good night out."
"We didn't go out."
Frankie's brow furrowed. "She said you were; that's why we had Katie last night."
"We were supposed to go out but I didn't get home in time."
"You stood her up on her birthday?" Frankie asked. "That takes a special kind of asshole."
Jim smirked at him. "Thanks…but in my defense, which I admit isn't very good either, I didn't realize that it was her birthday."
"Wow," he said; "You not only stood her up, you forgot her birthday. Yeah; that's an extra special kind of asshole. Way to go. I'm surprised you're alive to talk about it."
"I'm probably only alive because she doesn't have a gun."
"She doesn't need one; she hits pretty hard for a girl. I know because I taught her how to do it and she showed her appreciation by giving me a black eye the next time I pissed her off."
"I guess I got off lucky then," Jim replied although he didn't feel lucky.
"She's all ready," Valerie said as she brought Katie back into the room. "She's already said goodbye to Claire and Greg."
"Thanks for keeping her," Jim stated as he picked up Katie's bag from the sofa and then lifted his daughter into his arms to make sure there wouldn't be any fit about going.
"No problem," Valerie said. "Come back soon, Katie."
"Bye Aunt Valerie," Katie said softly. "Bye Uncle Frankie."
"Bye, Katie Bug," Frankie told her. "You can come have another sleepover with Claire soon."
"See you later," Jim said, carrying Katie to the door and slipping out before any more questions could be asked. "Did you have fun last night?" he asked his daughter as he made his way to the car and opened the back door.
"Yes," she answered.
"That's good," he replied as he put her in the car and buckled her in, putting her bag on the seat beside her. "I'm glad you had fun with your cousins."
He double checked to make sure she was secure and then he closed the door and made his way to the driver's side and got in, starting the engine and heading for the city. It was quiet for several minutes as he drove the only sound coming from the radio. He glanced in the rearview mirror at his daughter; she was usually chatty in the car, liked to ask questions about what things were and where they were going…but she was quiet…like he'd been asking her to be for days. He frowned as he stopped for a light; he didn't want her to be silent. "Katie; you know I'm sorry that I yelled at you the other day, don't you?"
"Yes, Daddy," she said quietly.
"I can't hear you," he lied. "You have to speak up. I am sorry though…I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
She shrugged and he sighed a little as the light turned and he began to drive again. "I needed you to come with me because I need to get presents for mommy's birthday."
"Mommy's birthday was yesterday," Katie remarked.
"I know…but I forgot and I made mommy sad…so now I need to make her feel better and I need you to help me."
"I want to go home with Mommy."
"We will but you can help me first…I'll buy you a toy," Jim said; hoping to gain a way back to her good side.
"What kind of toy?"
"What kind do you want?"
"My Little Pony."
Jim smiled; that was a relatively small request. "Okay, honey; I'll get you a new pony for your collection. Do you know which one you want?"
"Uh huh, the Starshine pony; she's got rainbow hair."
"A rainbow pony, huh?" he said; "That sounds like a good one. We'll get that one."
Katie smiled. "Thank you, Daddy!"
He smiled; his daughter was easily compensated…it only took a My Little Pony. His wife would be harder to compensate. She couldn't be won over with a new toy…but he'd do his best by stopping at the jewelry counter at Macys.
"Daddy," Katie said, breaking into his thoughts.
"Yeah?"
"I want a real pony."
"I know, honey; but we talked about that. We can't have a pony; we don't have anywhere to keep it."
"We can keep it in the garage."
"Ponies don't like garages," he replied. "They like a nice warm stable. But you know what, my Uncle Harry has horses on his farm."
"He does?"
"Yeah, he does…this summer I'll take you and Mommy to Uncle Harry's so you can see the horses and we'll ride them too."
"Does Uncle Harry got a pony!?"
"Oh I'm sure he'll have a pony; he usually has one or two every year but we have to wait until summer, okay?"
"Okay, Daddy."
"I took Mommy to Uncle Harry's a long time ago so she could ride the horses because she hadn't ever done it before."
"Did she like it?"
"Yeah; she liked it…and she named a pony while she was there."
"What did she name it?" Katie asked excitedly.
"Sweetheart," he replied. "She named her Sweetheart; and you know what, Sweetheart still lives at Uncle Harry's farm. She's all grown up now."
"I want to see her!"
"We will when we go to Uncle Harry's. He's got all kinds of things you can see."
"Does he got a piggy?"
"No; but he has some chickens."
"I want to see those," Katie said.
"Don't worry, you will. You, me and mommy will go there this summer and when we're finished there, we'll go to the beach. Mommy likes the beach a lot."
"Me too; we can build sandcastles!"
"That's right, sweetie; we'll build sandcastles," he said as he began to look for a place to park. He just hoped that these plans he was making for summer trips would pan out and that his wife wouldn't leave him by then. He had to make up this birthday…he wasn't exactly sure how but he had to try. He just had to try…he just hoped that Katie's presence would mean that she would be receptive…if only to keep the peace in front of their child.
…to be continued