"Okay, how to be a proper gentleman." Hades said as he and Ratigan sat at his kitchen table the next day; he had his feet propped up on the table and he was eating from a bowl of gummy worms. "Where do we start?"

"I admire your enthusiasm, my friend, but before we begin our lessons, I'm afraid I must point out three very important etiquette rules that you're breaking right now." Ratigan answered.

"Like what?" Hades slurped up another gummy worm.

"First of all…" Ratigan stood up from his chair and went over to Hades. "Sit up straight." He forcefully made the God sit up straight in his chair and he removed Hades' legs from the table. "Don't place your feet on the table. And don't speak with your mouth full. What are you, an animal?"

Hades paused and swallowed. "Was that a rhetorical question?"

Ratigan glared at him.

"Fine, whatever. You're the boss here."

"Hades, if you're going to impress the Mistress of Evil, you need to focus and listen to me. I'm all you have right now and you cannot slack off like this. What you need to do is take my word seriously and do as I tell you. Understand?"

"…Eh, understood." The Lord of the Dead rolled his eyes.

"Good boy."

Ratigan gently patted Hades' cheek and smiled, which made Hades back away. "Could you PLEASE not talk to me like I'm a dog? It's very demeaning."

"Apologies."

They stood up.

"Now, the first lesson for a gentleman in training is about posture." Ratigan explained. "Where I'm from, both men and women of any shape, size, or form are warned that they must sit and stand completely vertically straight, and even the tiniest bend or deviation on one spine would lead directly to a life of horror and destitution. Am I going too fast for you?"

"Uh… you lost me at posture." Hades said with a nervous grin.

Ratigan groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. "This is going to be much harder than I thought. Okay, Hades; you need some SERIOUS work. I'll train you for all eternity if I have to! But trust me. When I'm through with you, you are going to be turned into a true proper gentleman… whether you like it or not."

"Why don't I like the sound of that?"

"I suppose the only way I can properly explain this to you is through song."

"Oh boy…"

Ratigan placed about three books atop his head and cleared his throat.

"It's so terribly hard to be a gentleman" He sang.

"There's so many Ps and Qs you have to mind

But the rewards I guarantee are rich and varied

And worth all of the effort, you will find"

He placed the books on Hades' head, which caused them to start on fire. Ratigan shook his head.

"Your posture must be perfect

And your diction crisp and clear

Your speaking voice mellifluous and pleasing to the ear

You must open doors for ladies

Chivalry is just so

You must give out firm handshakes

But that's not all you need to know…"

As Ratigan continued to sing about what to do and what not to do, Hades tried his hardest to keep up, but he soon found it rather difficult.

"You mustn't curse or spit or tattle, never gossip!" Ratigan sang.

"A gentleman never scratches, sweats, or burps!

He knows which knife and fork and spoon to use and when

And if soup is served, it's impolite to slurp!

It's always "please and thank you, sir or madam"!

Never brash or loud or putting on a show!

A gentleman's calm, proud, and proper

And that is really all you need to know!"

Hades had the books on his head again, but they didn't start on fire this time.

"Get it now?" Ratigan asked.

"Uh, sort of. Yeah, I think so." Hades said, trying to balance the books. "But I thought only women had to do this 'balance a bunch of books on your head' thing."

"It's not required."

Hades removed the books. "Then why am I doing it?"

"Because it's funny… for me."

Hades angrily growled at Ratigan before he quickly stopped him.

"Another important rule you have to follow, Lord of the Underworld!" Ratigan said. "A gentleman must NEVER lose his temper. He must remain perfectly calm and collected at all times, unless you want to make a bad first impression and allow people to see you as nothing but a hothead bully."

Hades mildly calmed down. "Okay, fine. Fine, I'm cool. I'm fine. But can we move on? I think I already got the basics down."

"Good! The next lesson is appearance. A gentleman must always be clean and pleasant-smelling and wear the finest livery to make everyone know who he is." Ratigan looked at Hades from head to toe and shook his head in disappointment. "You need new clothes, pronto."

"What's wrong with what I'm wearing now?" Hades asked.

"Are you out of your mind? You cannot approach a lady dressed like a homeless, heavy metal enthusiast and expect her to instantly fall for you! What kind of impression are you trying to make?"

"Uh…"

"No, no, don't answer that. I don't want to know." He took the God's wrist and dragged him out the door.

"Where are we going?"

"We are going clothes shopping. Hold on, my friend; I am going to make this happen."

Hades winced nervously; he didn't like where this was going, not one bit.