I'll Always Find Peace In The Meadow
Chapter Forty: 'acting strange' (Edward POV)
Saturday 8 July 2017
I look under every pillow, every blanket. I stuff my hand between the sides and backs of the U-shaped couch. I check the floor, by things, under things. Nothing. I thoroughly check over the snack bar in my search; in every drawer and cupboard, all the shelves and even in the freezer. No luck.
Where the fuck is it?
I've searched high and low, but still, I can't find it. All I wanted when I came in here was to watch a fucking movie and I can't even do that! I can feel my anger building, and it's not the kind of anger that has you simply feeling it. It's the kind that has you expressing it. Has you on the brink of throwing anything within reach, the kind that has you so worked up, you're close to tears.
I understand my feelings are a little over the top. It'll be somewhere. But not being able to find the control gadget for the media room is the final straw in the whirlwind of negative emotions that have been building as of late.
It all started Sunday.
The days before then were fine. We were fine - and by 'we', I mean me and Bella. Everything was back to normal... well, almost. After what we did Wednesday, I don't think we could ever go 'back to normal'. But we were fine nonetheless. There was no awkwardness between us, as I'd feared. No regret. Perfectly fine.
Then, on Saturday, I hadn't heard from her all day, not until the evening, which is when she replied to my text message from earlier that day to tell me she'd been busy all day. I thought nothing of it. Maybe she and her mom were doing something together. How nice if that's the case, I'd thought.
Sunday, I tried arranging something for us to do, but she turned everything I mentioned down. Even to simply hang out at either of our houses playing cards wasn't accepted. And again, on Monday, she responded in exactly the same way to everything I suggested. I can't say I wasn't a little hurt. I know Bella works almost every day, but I also know that her shifts haven't changed for the summer. She still only works after-school hours and the odd Sunday Angela needs her in, which isn't very often. Her claiming that she had a cold had me worrying. Did she genuinely have a cold in summer, or was she avoiding me?
These couple days brought to my attention how dependant I've become on Bella's company. It made me realise that I also have no other friends apart from Bella, not that I care. I could have plenty of friends, if I wanted. Alice's group would welcome me with open arms at a moments notice, all because of who my family is, I know this. But it doesn't change anything. I don't want to be friends with them, to spend time with them. The only person I have any real desire to see and speak to outside of my family and away from school, is Bella. And that realisation has me wanting to know what's wrong even more!
But, in one of my rare non-stubborn moments - yes, I have those moments, despite what Bella (who is also extremely stubborn, might I add) seems to think - I let it slide. And I did so with extra ease once she agreed to meet me for lunch on Tuesday. Which she did... arriving in a blue truck. It's definitely not what I expected her choice of vehicle to be.
I heard my mom and sister talking about it two days ago - news travels fast in a small town - and they were shocked, too. The only difference is, my shock is harmless. Though it surprised me, I actually think it's pretty cool. After all, Bella's not one to follow trend; she always does things differently. My mother and sister are appalled by her choice of vehicle, however. It isn't something a young lady should be driving, they say. I haven't even bothered to tell them that it was her father's, as Bella informed me later Tuesday afternoon. It wouldn't change their opinion in any way. It wouldn't matter that someone important to Bella once drove it and that's why she chooses to use it now. There would be no sympathy or understanding. Even if Ryan Gosling - both of their favourite actor because of that sappy Notebook movie - came to Forks and gifted the truck to Bella himself, they'd still think it was unpardonable, simply because it is Bella.
Wednesday, I didn't see her, but that was my fault this time. Well, my family's fault. I had to go with them to a barbecue at the house of one of my dad's colleagues. It was a boring affair that I had to attend. It was an all afternoon thing, though the amount of food offered was meagre and I was sat nodding my head to music I didn't recognise most of the time. I only took satisfaction in seeing that my sister was equally as bored as me, though she's perfected hiding it in front of our parents' colleagues and friends. I noticed it though, from time to time.
Thursday, Bella came round to watch a movie. Alice's awful treatment of her has contributed to the anger that I'm feeling now. But that was only a minor contributor by the end of the day. Bella was sat right there the entire movie, and though I did enjoy the film immensely, all I could think about was Wednesday. About Bella. In my bed.
A bed, which so happened to be only down the hall.
She was so cute getting all upset over the end of the movie, and also in her enthusiasm when we spoke about movies. I didn't know she was such a big movie fan - still so much we don't know about each other. I was sat there with my arm around her, comforting her, and my distraction during the movie suddenly turned into a neon sign, flashing in my mind.
Soooo... I thought I'd try my luck.
I didn't expect to be turned down, to be rejected so abruptly. It was like my hint - and it was a pretty obvious hint - made her feel uncomfortable. She looked to be trying her damned hardest to come up with an excuse in the moments silence between me dropping my hint and her answering.
I was left feeling hurt, rejected, embarrassed... and later, once she'd gone home after a few hours at the meadow, I let the anger finally settle in.
It wasn't anger at her. Sure, she'd caused the other feelings, but I could never feel angry at her for saying no. I was angry at myself. Why did I agree to have sex with her in the first place? Didn't I know it would most likely end badly? Is this the beginning of that inevitable 'bad end'? I'm just a stupid, hormonal teenage boy who thought with the head I have down below than the useful one up top.
Now I've gone and possibly ruined everything!
I've not seen her since Thursday. Yesterday, I didn't even try to ask her to meet up. The sad thing is, neither did she.
Today, however, we're going back to her meadow. After mostly rain the past few days, the sun is briefly out, so Bella called this morning to ask if I wanted to meet. I agreed, of course. All I want to do before she arrives at midday is to watch a movie! But I can't find the fucking remote. It should be in it's little compartment that's built into the wall beside the screen. It's not. I've checked. Four times.
I sigh and throw down the pillow I'm holding with much more force than needed. I feel like crying, as pathetic as that sounds. All I can constantly think about is Bella, and if she regrets Wednesday, and if that's why she's been acting so dodgy.
I slam the media room door behind me as I go to find someone in my family. One of them has to know where it is. I storm up the stairs, my feet slapping against each step I ascend.
I find my father first, in his study. He has no idea where it is, but tells me Alice was the last one with it he thinks. On my way to Alice's room, I pass my mother, who's coming out of the games room that's on the top floor, above the garage. I ask her, but she hasn't seen it either. Bev won't be by till later, so I can't ask her yet. And that leaves me Alice, who I make my way to, stopping outside of her bedroom and knocking sharply once. She leaves me waiting at least a full minute and a half before she answers.
"What?" she demands harshly when she sees it's me. Her breaths are coming out in harsh puffs, quickly. Her cropped, pink-tinged hair is all tossled and her blouse is buttoned up incorrectly. I feel my eyebrows raise as I assess her appearance.
"What are you up to, Ali?" I ask, not hiding my amusement and curiosity as I try to peer around her. "Got Jasper in there?" I joke. At her wide-eyed, stunned look, I guess my joke isn't all that far from the truth. "You have?" I question loudly, shocked. Mom and Dad let her have a boy in her room alone? That's a first! I remember when she tried that in Chicago. Dad about had a coronary, while Mom was just trying to get over "how fast her baby was growing up"... yeah, I know. Not the reaction you'd expect a mother to have about her at-the-time-14 year old daughter sneaking boys up to her room. But then, Alice can do no wrong in our mother's eyes.
She hushes me, pressing her hand to my mouth and pulling me into her bedroom. While she looks left and right in the hallway, I come face to face with a disheveled Jasper. He isn't as bothered about this as my sister, who is frantically trying to sort out her appearance.
"What do you want, Edward?" she asks, trying to sound impatient, but to be honest it comes across as more helpless. My anger from earlier has almost completely vanished in the wake of Alice's discomfort. She's never caught off guard like this, and I can't say I'm not enjoying it.
I contemplate teasing her about this - it really is tempting - but knowing Bella will be here soon, I just want to get the controller and spend some time alone in the media room. I need to keep my mind preoccupied until she arrives. "Do you know where the media room control is?" I ask her after much deliberation.
She purses her lips, and just like that, the worried, slightly frantic look is replaced by a calmer, mischievous one. "I may," she says cryptically. I just raise a brow knowing that a bargain of some sort is about to be made. There's always got to be something in it for my sister. "I'll give it to you if you do one thing for me."
I sigh and look between the two of them. "Let me guess, you want me to keep the fact that he's here to myself?" I ask, nodding toward Jasper who's sat on the edge of her bed. He looks out of place surrounded by all this pink. I worked out pretty quickly by her behaviour that my parents haven't actually approved of this.
"Yes. If you promise that, then I'll give you the remote," she announces, folding her arms across her chest.
"Fine," I agree, holding out my hand. Alice raises a brow. I sigh. "I promise." She gives me a beaming smile and walks over to her desk, unlocking one of the draws with a little key from a pot of random, loose stationary pieces. My jaw drops so my mouth is hanging open. "Why have you hidden it away in there?"
She rolls her eyes as she hands it me. "I was keeping it for me and Jaz to use after..." she stops and quickly changes what she was going to say, hastily adding "in a while," at the end.
"That doesn't mean you have to hide it away," I grit out, my anger from before slowly creeping back in.
"Oh, don't get so upset, Edward. You have it now, don't you?"
"Whatever," I huff as I march out of her room, leaving the door open as she does to me so often.
"Remember our deal!" she whispers loudly from behind me before closing her door. I try not to think about what my sister will be doing in her bedroom with the Mayor's son and head down to the media room. Once I'm down there, I have only one problem: I don't know what to watch. Damn, I need my movie guru.
~I*A*F*P*I*T*M~
She arrives a few minutes past twelve. I'm pathetic and am sat waiting on our front step when she arrives. I'm up and walking toward her before she's completely closed the door to her truck. "Woah," she says as I sweep her up into a hug, preventing her from swinging her bag onto her back. I squeeze her to me.
My emotions are confusing me. She may have caused hurt and embarrassment the last time I saw her, and I may be angry with our situation - whatever that may be exactly - but she's still my best friend, and ten minutes into the movie I put on, all I wanted was to see her. I turned it off ten minutes later and here I've been, waiting.
My sister and her friends would laugh if they knew how pathetic I was being.
"Is everything okay?" she asks when I finally let her go. She wraps her arms around her middle, something she used to do when we first met, as if she's trying to protect herself - emotionally, physically. Seeing this just messes with my emotions further.
I grit my teeth and nod my head. "Yeah," I answer quietly, before grabbing her non-injured hand and leading her around her truck and to the opening in the trees.
"Wait! Edward, wait a minute!" she hisses, pulling at my hand. I stop, as she requests, and turn. She continues forward with a few characteristically clumsy steps, releasing a little "oof" as she collides with me. "Wait," she says, still in that desperate whisper she used a moment ago. She puts her bag on her back properly as she speaks. "We can't just disappear into the trees. What if someone is watching us?" she asks worriedly, looking over her shoulder at my house. I allow a brief glance at the extravagant building before I grab her hand once more and guide her past the treeline. "Edward!" she protests again.
"Don't worry about it. No one's bothered with what we do," I tell her. And it's true. They couldn't care any less. Wow. Where has all this self-pity come from? Get a grip, Edward!
I sigh and release her hand. She looks up at me, concerned, as she falls in step beside me. "Sorry," I say quietly.
"Edward, what's wrong?" she asks, stopping. I carry on walking for a few feet and finally stop with my back to her.
"Nothing," I grumble, kicking a fallen twig away.
"It's obviously not nothing," she says softly, her voice growing closer to me. I tense when I feel her hand on my back. It moves up to my shoulder blades, and further still until she's stroking the hair at the base of my skull. I sigh, releasing all the tension from my body as I close my eyes briefly.
"I'm sorry. I'm just a little moody today, that's all."
"Is it Alice?" she asks, and I'm thankful for the mirth I can hear in her voice. Thankful for the distraction. I turn to her with a smirk and she smiles, dropping her hand from my head.
We begin walking again. I allow Bella to enter the meadow first, before sliding through the small gap to get to it myself. I understand why she loves this place so much. It's tranquil, and I instantly feel my cluster-fuck of emotions melt away. I have a genuine smile on my face, probably the first of the day, as I help her spread out the blanket she always brings to this place. Once we're sat down, facing each other, the small moments reprieve from my feelings is broken, by Bella.
"So, now we're here, are you going to tell me what is really the matter?" she asks. I drop my gaze to the blanket in the space between us. "You know you can tell me anything, right?" she asks tentatively. She reaches out to pat the back of one of my hands, both of which are nestled in my lap.
I look up at her. She's so beautiful, especially in this moment with the light of the sun shining down into the center of the meadow, exactly where we are. It must be a bit behind Bella, because there's a glow of light around her face, enhancing her beauty. That and the flowers I can see in my peripheral vision, all around her. What I wouldn't give to have my camera with me at this very second! I gulp, and instead of leaning forward to kiss her like I want to do, I look down at my hands again.
She stays silent, presumably allowing me the time to consider her words. Which I do.
She says I can tell her anything. But surely she has to know that this goes two ways? She can tell me anything. Does she know that? I don't think she does, because most of the time I feel like she tells me nothing.
God. Isn't this all backwards? Isn't it supposed to be the woman who wants to open up and the man who keeps things to himself? Isn't that how it typically is in a relationship?
And there is the root of the problem... This isn't a relationship, is it, Edward? You're friends, and if you're anything more it's only up a fraction of a stage, to 'friends-with-benefits'? Nothing more.
Whether she knows she can tell me anything or not, I know this won't get resolved if I don't open up. And maybe if I am open and honest with her, then she'll be the same way with me!
I inhale deeply, giving myself a silent pep-talk, needing to do this as if I were ripping off a band-aid. "Do you regret it?" I ask as I release my inhaled breath of air.
At first I think she may not understand what I mean by it, but it's soon obvious that she does understand; her reaction was just a little delayed. I hear and see Bella's sharp gasp. Her eyes are wide watery pools of brown, just staring at me. The longer she stays silent, looking at me like that, the worse my fears that the answer will be 'yes' becomes.
"Edward," she whispers, sounding shocked, upset and furious all at once. I stay silent, waiting for more, thought I expect the worst. "What... Why would you think that?" Okay, not what I was expecting.
I shrug and look back down at the blanket. "You've been acting strange all week. I just assumed it was because of what we did..." I trail off, not knowing what else to say. She stares at me like I've got five heads.
"Strange? What do you mean?"
"You know, trying to avoid spending time with me. Trying to avoid doing it again."
"I've not..." her protests fall away and all at once my worst fears come to life. She does regret it. And that can only mean on thing: she'll want to stop spending time with me from now on. Her regret will make it too awkward.
"Fuck," I curse quietly, running my hand through my hair in my agitation. How did I manage to ruin something so great so completely? I don't dare glance at her again as I go to stand. I've got one knee bent with my foot planted flat on the ground, one hand braced on the floor ready the push up, when I'm suddenly stopped. My knee is pressed back down to the ground by a delicate yet firm hand, and in a surge of unexpected movement, I have Bella suddenly straddling my lap.
I'm stunned. Absolutely speechless. Out of instinct, I straighten my legs out a bit and my hands go to her hips. Her face is directly in front of mine, her arms loosely looped around my neck. "I do not regret anything, Edward," she whispers and then presses her lips to mine before I can even release a breath in response.
I don't move at first, allowing her to take charge. She pushes her hands into my hair and tilts my head manually, giving herself better access. When her tongue sweeps across my lips, I become active, joining the kiss with just as much passion. I run my hands up, around to her back and hold her to me, trying not to hold her too tightly, though I feel like I should be gripping her to me with all I've got so she'll never leave.
We're both breathing heavily when she pulls away after what had to have been a full ten-minute make out session. She rests her forehead to mine, arms back to being hooked around my neck, as she gazes into my eyes. "Please don't think I don't want to be with you again," she whispers. "Because I do. So much."
My brow furrows. "But Thursday..."
Her eyes close as she sighs. "I'm sorry about that. And about how I've been lately. I've just... I've been going through some things. At home." She keeps her eyes closed and stays silent after that. I wait and I wait for her to elaborate, but she doesn't.
"Tell me," I whisper, rubbing her back to hopefully show my support. To prove to her that I'm here to listen to anything she has to say. Her eyes open and I'm concerned to see they're glassy, like she's holding back tears.
"It's my mom."