A/N: Hey, I'm back. I apologise for the lack of updates last week. As I've mentioned previously, my health sucks and it does have an affect on what I can do on a day-to-day basis. Anyway, for the last week-ish I've had a really shitty time, health wise, so that's my reasoning. I do have something important to tell all of my readers, so please don't leave before reading the bottom A/N. As always, thanks for the follows and faves. I'm very grateful!

As you'll see in just a moment, the time jump I mentioned last chapter is almost exactly two months. The summer is over and school has started back up again... but I'll let you find that out for yourselves ;)

Happy reading!

I'll Always Find Peace In The Meadow

Chapter Forty-eight: Where? When? Why? How? (Bella POV)

Sunday 10 September 2017

"I am so fucking sick of repeating myself, Isabella!"

I hold back a sigh, and keep my eyes directed down at my feet.

"How many times have you made this breakfast for me? How many times have you made it to an... acceptable standard? I won't say perfect because let's face it, you've never made a perfect breakfast for me. You don't have it in you."

Again, I hold back a sigh. A telling off and insults? Is that it? Lucky me.

"This is two times in as many weeks that you've fucked this up? What is wrong with you?"

Maybe the fact that you've been a nightmare to live with, more than usual, in the last few weeks has me on edge, more than usual?

Maybe it's because you woke me up at 2:00AM, cleaning the projectile vomit from the bathroom after you'd stumbled in, drunk, like some reckless teenager?

Maybe it's due to the fact that I haven't had a run of three consecutive days in the last few weeks without you hitting me or kicking me or scratching me or pushing me?

Or maybe, and most probably, it's a combination of all that. A big build up of the shit that you, my mother, have put me through recently.

Oh how I wish I could say all of this out loud. How I wish I could scream it all in her face. But I don't, and I most likely never will. To do that would be like signing my own death wish. I've only talked back to my mother a couple times, and that was close to the beginning of the change in her behaviour, when I was less accustomed to how I should deal with her. And the punishments I received for those very few times were enough for me to have learned my lesson.

I've messed up this meal, as she said, two times in the last two weeks (last Saturday and then again today). They've been silly mistakes, things I haven't been able to rectify because she has demanded I set her plate down 'on time'. So, for the second time in as many weeks, here I stand beside the kitchen table, staring down at my feet while I get reprimanded by my angry mother. She's still sat in her seat, her untouched plate of food on the table in front of her, her still full cup of coffee beside that. Last week I got an open palmed strike to the ear - it had my ear ringing for a long while after. Today, I have no clue how she'll 'teach me a lesson'.

Her hand slams down against the table top, drawing my attention away from my feet. Once my eyes are on her, and not a moment before, she slowly stands from her chair which, somehow, silently slides away from her. This action is done with much suspense, it's slow and deliberate and has my heart galloping in my chest with fear of what she'll do next. She takes one step toward me, and I respond by stepping back. Another step forward by her, and an answering retreat by me. This repeats until I can cower away no further. I'm cornered against the wall and the side of the shelving unit that holds all the cookbooks at the back of the room. I freeze and stare up at her glowering expression, wondering what she has planned for me next.

"Will you be seeing Edward today?" I'm momentarily put off by her question, having no idea why she'd ask me that. After a couple of seconds have passed, I realise that I need to answer before she becomes even more infuriated with me, so I nod silently. She looks highly disappointed with my answer and rolls her eyes. "Fine," she says with a sigh, and just when I think that that's it, she's going to leave and I won't get more than the telling off I've already had, she heaves another disappointed sigh and says quietly and darkly to herself, but loud enough for me to hear, "Guess your face is off bounds."

I'm confused and feel my brows lift up in the split second between her strange statement and the air leaving my lungs. I double over just as she steps away, lowering her fist from my stomach. I did not see that coming. Why do I never see them coming? After all these years, you'd think I'd be more aware of a blow before it connects with me, but I never seem to notice until it's too late.

I'm winded for what feels like hours, but is probably only thirty seconds. I have to lower myself to my knees as the air struggles to return to my lungs. My eyes are watery because of my struggle as I kneel at her feet, gasping for air.

"I know you won't show him that part of you. Why would you? Or more to the point, why would he want to see that? I feel like a fool for ever believing he was fucking you; he'd need his head testing if that were true, and according to his mother he's a bright boy so I don't think that's the case anymore."

I don't look up at her as she spits those awful words down at me. Everything she just said hurts more than the punch I've just received to my midsection, because although I'm rather forward with Edward when it comes to that part of our relationship, there has always been a part of me that fears he'll find my bruised up body repulsive. And that fear has been getting a little bigger every week since Renee returned from her trip away, since the bruises started appearing more frequently.

She crouches down in front of me and I flinch which, when I look up at her face, I see has pleased her greatly. "You keep that disgusting body of yours covered. Do you hear me? If I even suspect that you've been blabbing about the private goings on of this house, I will not hesitate to be more forceful than I have ever been. Understand what I'm saying?" she threatens with a sinister smile. I gulp and nod shakily. "Good. And do something about those hideous freckles on your face; I've told you before, I hate seeing them."

She stands fully and leaves the room, her breakfast and coffee untouched. I release a heavy, relieved sigh as I drop to the side, sliding my legs from beneath me until they're stretched out in front of me. I lean back against the wall and close my eyes, willing the tears to go away as I know I can't stay down here on the floor for too long. She'll probably be in to check on me soon enough, and besides, if I really do want to go and see Edward later, I need to get the rest of my chores done and complete some of the homework I received this week, which was surprisingly a lot considering it was only our first week back.

The summer is over, school has started again. Tomorrow begins the second week of my junior year. Yep, I'm officially a junior in high school. Honestly, I don't feel much difference on the school side of things, though my teachers won't stop banging on about how it is even more important to study in our own time now than ever before. How this is the most important year. They've said similar things every year prior to this one.

The first day of school brought the return of the I-Hate-Bella-Swan club... a club most are a part of. Summertime usually gives me a reprieve, because for a majority of the time, all the students are too focused on having an awesome summer to torture me. For all the summers that came before the one we've just had, I hardly ever had any trouble. It's only because I'm with... I mean friends with Edward, that I had to deal with them at all. But he's worth it. Our friendship is worth it.

Thankfully, the Hale's went on their usual tropical summer vacation abroad during August, and the McCarthy's went away for a couple weeks too. That left only Jessica, and of course Alice, which still meant I had the odd issue, but it was no where near as bad as when the other two are involved. And, of course, the guys were still around, apart from Jasper Hale and Emmett McCarthy, but they didn't seem to hang around Alice and Jessica whilst the other two girls and guys were away.

Now they're almost all back together, and they are back with a force. I say 'almost', because Jasper is of course away at college now, having been a senior and graduated at the start of summer. I don't know where he's gone like the rest of Forks' residents probably do, and to be quite honest, I don't really care. All I care about is that this is Rosalie's last year at Forks High; hopefully things will calm down in a years time. A years not too long to wait... this is what I keep telling myself.

Already, in just the first week, I've had BITCH scratched into the side of my truck and have been called into the Principal's office, for being anonymously accused of cheating in my exams at the end of Sophomore year. There wasn't much he could do because of the time in between my said crime and the person coming forward about it, but I have been given a warning about the severity of such an act and that if I were to be caught cheating, I would suffer grave consequences. So, it seems that Rosalie is determined to make my life a living hell while she still can. Because she and I both know that the moment she, and all the power that she holds, is gone from this school, her friends that will be stuck here for another year won't be able to get away with half the shit she has over time.

The vandalism to my truck was heartbreaking to say the least, because it's an object that links to my father and I hated to see it defaced in any way. I had it immediately fixed - Edward gave me a ride to and from school the following day while my truck was in the garage. The accusation honestly didn't bother me that much in comparison. All I got was a warning... oooh, so scary.

Edward wasn't pleased about either thing, but I've tole him there's nothing he can do about it, especially while the Mayor's daughter, who happens to be the instigator of most if not all of the 'pranks', is still at the school.

Edward... things with him have been great but tough, to put it simply. Great, because, well, we're just inseparable. I was under the impression for so long that I was destined to be a loner while stuck in this town. I thought I would complete my time at Forks High an outcast, a friendless victim of the vilest of teenagers this town has to offer. However, though I am still very much an outcast, I am no longer friendless. I have Edward, and to me, he is so much more than a friend. He doesn't feel the same about me, and to be totally honest I have tried my damned hardest to unfeel what I feel, but it's been impossible.

The strong feelings, the love I feel for him, which I realised almost two months ago now, has only grown since then. It was through no fault of my own. I tried to fight it, really I did, because I know it's wrong. Me being in love with my best friend can only end badly, surely. And this is why my friendship with Edward has also been really tough lately. I fight my feelings everyday, but it only seems to make it worse. I fight telling him on a daily basis; the words are often on the tip of my tongue, but I always manage to hold them back, knowing that the moment I let them out, I'll ruin everything. And I'm not willing to lose him. Not yet.

In public, around others, basically whenever we aren't completely sure that we are alone, we act as two friends who are nothing more would. It's hard not kissing him when I want to or sitting as close to him as I'd like to, but it's necessary. When we are alone, on the other hand, we are the complete opposite. I think him tutoring me for maths is going to have to be a thing we do in public this academic year, because when left alone, we're insatiable. Most of the time, we do nothing but make out and fool around. I've even gone on the pill, something I had to do before we bought out Forks' condom supply. I had it sorted a week after my mother returned from her trip away. We are intimate whenever we get the chance, which can be unbearably scarce sometimes, thanks to his mother who seems to have made it her personal mission to intervene on our time together as much as she possibly can. And, of course, thanks to Renee and her recent unpredictable behaviour.

Now, things with her have been anything but great, and inexorably worse than just tough. Upon her return from her trip away with her friend back in July, she had changed. It was instantly noticeable and positively frightening. The drinking has stayed, so has the punishments and all that accompany them, but now they are worse. All of it is worse. She is drinking excessively. It won't be long before Mrs Cullen fires Renee for turning up to work drunk. She's already gone in hungover a few times. She's more foul mouthed than ever before, and that's saying something when she couldn't go a day without dropping an f-bomb at least once beforehand. She's more free with her hands and her feet, a lot more free. And now, she doesn't need an excuse to use them. I noticed that as soon as she returned.

I was ordered to take her bags up to her room, and once I was done I was sent to my room with no food and no explanation, just a whack across the back of my head for "being too fucking slow". I was allowed out of my room the next day, which was a Sunday, to clean and go to work when Angela called me in, but once I returned home, I was making dinner and was almost decapitated by a flying wine glass. It just missed my head, and went whizzing past me into a kitchen cabinet close by. The empty wine bottle came soon after. I did end up with a little cut on my ear from a flying shard, but that was nothing in comparison to the clean up job I was left with. Apparently, that temper tantrum was her way of asking for more wine. From then on, unless she's ordered otherwise, I'm not to leave her with an empty glass if I'm in the house.

Another thing that's changed with my mother is her random absences. It's mostly at night. She'll be home for dinner but will sometimes just head out without a word of explanation to me, steaming drunk or almost there. She won't return for hours. A number of times it has been the entire night that she's been gone, not returning until morning when she's needed to get ready for work. Last night was an example of her going out for many hours but not the entire night, which is what I meant earlier when I said how she'd had me up at 2:00AM cleaning vomit from the bathroom. She had failed to make it to the toilet in time and literally came into my room to wake me up so I could clean it, and so she could then head to bed and leave me with all the work.

I wish I could say it's getting better now that the school routine is back, but I'd be lying. I don't know how well I'll do this year with my school work if she has me up in the middle of the night cleaning her messes and wondering where the hell she is and what she'll do when she gets back. One thing I am glad about is that Edward now knows about Renee and her ways. I didn't think I'd ever admit that, but it's true because if he didn't know already, then I'd have a tough time hiding it from him. I'm not without bruises as of late, but I'm relieved that it's no longer summer, so I can wrap up without drawing attention to myself. And yes, even with the bruises, Edward and I are still intimate. He told me pretty quickly to forget about hiding myself around him, like I did the night he found out, when I insisted on wearing my t-shirt the entire time to hide the bruise on my ribs.

He asked me that night to tell him everything from now on. Everything that Renee does to me. I have kept my word... for the most part. I haven't told him everything, but he is privy to almost all of it. A lot of the time, if there is physical evidence, I don't bother coming forward with the information and simply wait until he's discovered a new mark on my body, which isn't hard for him to do when he sees me naked. There are also times when I'll tell him about a new bruise so he knows to be careful or so he knows that I'm in too much pain to do anything, like I may be today now thanks to the winding punch I was just given.

He is yet to find out about the bruise I have across the back of my legs.

Yesterday, Renee asked me to go and buy some milk because we were running out. I did, but I took too long and she was waiting for me in the kitchen, a dish towel in hand when I returned. She was ranting about a snails pace and wanting a coffee she shouldn't have to wait for. The entire time, she had been twisting and pulling and knotting and just messing around with a dish towel, keeping her hands busy... or so I thought. After making her a milky coffee (which she later added some liquor to), I turned my back to her so I could put the milk in the fridge and was stunned by an agonising snap across the backs of my thighs. She had whipped me with the wound up dish cloth she was playing with. It stung and burnt like hell and caused me to drop the large carton of milk, emptying it's contents all over the floor at my feet. She walked out of the room with her coffee without a word.

Edward will find out about the painful dark purple almost black stripe I have across the backs of my thighs eventually. He doesn't ask me if anything happens in between times I see or speak to him, but if he sees a mark I haven't mentioned or explained, he isn't afraid to ask questions. I'm hoping to head over to his in a bit, so he might notice it then, depending on what we get up to.

Thinking about Edward and going to his house, I pull myself up from the floor and clear away Renee's untouched breakfast. The coffee is chucked down the sink, but I steal a sausage and piece of bacon before binning the rest of the food. I quickly eat them, biting my tongue in my rush to remove all the evidence from sight. I gulp down a glass of orange juice to mask the possible smell of food on my breath before I go in search of Renee. She's in her bedroom, where I find her putting makeup on once she let's me enter. I want to ask if she's going somewhere, but I fear I'll sound too hopeful which could piss her off. Instead, I stay silent.

Luckily, it's not long before her plans are revealed to me anyway. She is going somewhere, but where exactly I have no idea. She's really dolled up so it must be somewhere nice. She tells me that she wants all my chores done before she gets back, which won't be until later tonight I know because she then told me not to bother making her any dinner tonight; she's got that sorted already.

As soon as she's down the stairs, I rush to my bedroom and to my window. I peer out of it in what I hope is an undetectable way so I can see if she's driving herself or getting picked up. The latter is the case today. Is she going on a date? I don't think she's been on one since my father died. I hope that the person picking her up, if it is a date, gets out to open her door for her just so I can see who it is, but they never do. I can't see inside the car, so I don't know if it's someone from Forks. I don't even know if it's a man or a woman; after all, it may not be a date, she could just be going out with a friend. She left the house wearing a black mini dress and heels, so maybe she's off partying? I don't know.

And right now, I don't have time to care. I quickly get started on the rest of my chores for today, as well as completing my homework.

After all is done, I quickly shower and get ready to head to Edward's. It's not sunny today, but it is dry; it's overcast. I'm really hoping we can go to our meadow this afternoon. I pack two blankets just in case, and put a long black hoodie on over my green button-up plaid shirt. The hoodie reaches mid-thigh (I guess most girls would wear it with some thigh high boots, but that is really not my style). I have some denim skinny jeans on and my black converse. Nothing fancy at all.

I don't bother covering my freckles, despite what my mother said earlier. I'll just make sure to cover them before she gets back later. I keep my hair down after quickly pulling a brush through it, make sure I have everything, and I'm good to go.

Before I go, however - actually, before I got dressed - I do check over my stomach. It's tender and I have a nice bright red splodge at the top of my stomach. Fantastic. I quickly logged it but plan on taking another picture after the colour has changed over the next couple of days. I've been using my log books and camera case much more recently.

~I*A*F*P*I*T*M~

"Can I show you something?" I turn my head to the left, removing my gaze from the clouds above so I can look at Edward. We are currently laying side by side on one of the blankets I brought with us to the meadow. He's looking at me expectantly. When we arrived, we made out for a little while before attempting some cloud watching. We had a competition going on over the summer: who can come up with the craziest shape in the clouds. It's funny what the pair of us can come up with when we lay here long enough.

Over the summer, there has also been several times that I've spotted heart shapes in the clouds which is extremely infuriating and I never point them out; it's like the skies tease me about my feelings for Edward as much as my own conscience does. Today, there isn't much to see in the clouds because there are so many of them. There are barely a handful of patches of blue sky to be seen.

"Of course you can," I reply to his question. He grabs his phone which is playing some classical music, and turns said music off. He looks at me with a small smile once he's stopped playing with his phone for a few minutes.

"Okay, so I was messing around on my piano earlier and came up with this. I recorded it because I wanted to show you. It's not much. Just a few bars... tell me what you think?" He inhales deeply, looking and sounding nervous, before he presses play on his phone. He holds the device between us so we can both hear it. I keep my head turned his way as I listen to the few bars, mesmerised by the short demo coming from his phone.

"Again," I whisper and close my eyes, really concentrating this time. When it finishes for the second time, I open my eyes and smile at Edward, who looks instantly relieved and smiles back. "Edward, that's... it's incredible. I love it. I can't wait to hear the finished product."

"I'm glad you like it," he says, his smile broadening to a wide grin. I ask him to play it again and he does, this time putting his recording on repeat before placing his phone down on the small space between us. I turn onto my side and Edward is quick to copy, so we are now facing each other properly.

I raise my left arm, which no longer has the restriction of a splint - Mr Cullen asked me into the hospital to have an x-ray eventually, when the six weeks was at an end. He declared it all healed and removed the splint. It was very weak at first, and felt so strange without the splint, but it's getting back to normal now. I place my hand on his cheek and slowly move forward until my body is aligned with his. The phone has been trapped between us, still playing that short clip of beautiful music on repeat.

He is the first to lean in to meld our mouths together, but I am rapid in my response. It's only kissing at first, very passionate kissing which quickly results in heavy breathing and wandering hands as the music and cloud watching is forgotten. In no time at all, I'm laying on top of Edward and he is soon tugging at the hem of my long hoodie. I sit up, ignoring the slight nip of the bruise across the backs of my legs as I quickly pull off my hoodie. I rush to drop back down to him. Bracing my arms at either side of his head, I look down at him, my hair a curtain around both of our faces.

He's so handsome, and I've noticed in the time he's been in Forks how his looks are altering slightly, as time goes by. He'll change more yet, but already his jaw is a little more refined, his features all sharpening. How can he, someone so handsome, want me? It doesn't seem right, and yet, here we are. Me straddling his waist as he gladly runs his hands up and down my sides, waiting for me to kiss him once more.

"Do you think it's possible for someone to find us here?" I ask him in the privacy of my curtain of hair, as I lift one hand to stroke his cheek.

He looks thoughtful for a moment. "What, do you mean ever or just today?"

"Today."

He is silent for a second. "No," he whispers, "I don't think so... Why?"

"Because I want you," I say, losing half the sentence in the kiss I initiate. This meadow is one place we have yet to christen. When we come here, we never go further than kissing. It wasn't something we agreed on verbally, that's just the way it played out. But right now, I don't care about our unspoken agreement. I need it. I need him.

Edward's hands glide from my sides to my back just before he pulls my torso infinitely closer to his own. The action is so sudden that I can't hide my sharp intake of breath... and unfortunately it's not for a good reason. Edward instantly freezes before he rushes to pull his mouth away from mine, pushing at my shoulder so he can look over my entire face.

"Where?" is all he asks at first. I sigh and sit up, slowly unbuttoning my shirt to reveal my newest blemish. Edward doesn't gasp like he did with every single bruise I would show him less than two months ago. He's used to this now, as horrible as that is to admit. He just sighs and shakes his head, sliding his hands beneath either sides of my open shirt to hold my waist as he inspects it further. "When?" is his next question.

"This morning," I reply, looking down at my stomach.

"Why?"

"Because I messed up her breakfast," I admit quietly. He sighs. I know what he'll ask next, but don't bother saving him the trouble. It's like I always hope he won't ask, but that's never the case.

"How?"

I close my eyes, keeping my head hung low. "She punched me."

The only noise around us for a moment is the muffled sound of the music that's still playing on his phone - I think I accidently covered it with my hoodie. I open my eyes when I feel Edward's hands at my waist guiding me up. I look down at him, confused for a moment as I raise up to my knees like he's indicating for me to do. My confusion melts away when he presses a tender kiss to the forming bruise high up on my stomach. Tears quickly fill my eyes and I thread my fingers into his hair. I tip his head back and press my lips to his, a lone tear escaping each eye as I clench them both tightly shut. I lower myself back down to his lap and pour everything I am feeling at this moment into it. Every overwhelming feeling of adoration, every miniscule of gratitude. It's all portrayed as best as physically possible as our tongues dance together.

After a few minutes we have to pull apart, both in need of air. I lay my forehead against his but keep my eyes open as I stare into his. Those three little words, such strong and powerful yet tiny words, are on the very tip of my tongue, on the verge of tumbling off for good.

My breathing is gradually regulating, so is Edward's, but that doesn't interfere with our imploring staring. When Edward raises his hands to wipe away both tear tracks that my singular tears left behind, I quickly reach up to cover his hands with mine as I close my eyes and take a deep breath in.

"I love you."

A/N: It's out there! It's been said! How will this affect their friendship? Let me know your thoughts and predictions in a review! Next chapter does follow directly on from this one!

Okay, so... about that important thing. I have a very vital week for my health coming up this month. It's mid-month and will mean that I'll be unable to post. Then, I don't know how the treatment will affect me. I'm hoping the results will be all positive but it's highly likely I'll "crash", so I don't know when I'll be able to post after it. I'm hoping I'll be gone for 2 weeks at the most, but unfortunately, it is possible that that could be a minimum. Anyway, this doesn't mean I'm abandoning this story. Far from it! I'll still work on writing bit by bit while I'm absent, and I'll return as soon as possible. To make up for this news, next week I plan to post 3 times.

Thank you for reading and I'll see you again next week!