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Aladdin Jackie and the Untainted Juice

Chapter 1

It was 4 pm and we were soon about to land in LAX. Colorado slept through the entire flight. Understandable, he went through much and did it all without even being able to pose. I too was tired from being only able to summon Under Pressure using Colorado's cover of the song instead of the original recording. However, I was too anxious to fall asleep. I wanted to continue my journey to find the path. Unfortunately, we were running low on cash, so we had to use what we had left to buy tickets to LAX. Once there we would gather funds from Colorado's safety deposit box.

30 minutes later the intercom sounded, "We are about to begin our final descent into Los Angeles, California. We hope you enjoyed our flight with us." Finally, we have arrived. Although this should only be a slight detour I made sure my Zune was fully charged. It has been some time since I've been in America and it seems much has changed and I had no idea what to expect.

After we landed, our primary concern was to find transportation. Colorado insisted on simply calling a cab but I knew we had to rent our own car. Colorado was confused about this, but I've been in too many life-and-death situations where Enterprise Rent-A-Car was my salvation. For Enterprise Rent-A-Car was founded by an old friend of mine: Jack C. Taylor.

Taylor was once a member of the Church of Van Orden just as I was. However, he was not a true follower but an independent researcher who recognized the knowledge that the Church held. He was the one who passed on to me the mantle of Austere Religious Scholar. Likewise, he was able to escape the church when he recognized Van Orden's growing instability. But once he left he had to go underground so he could escape Van Orden's vindictive wrath. Luckily he thought ahead and hid his newfound pose power from Van Orden. He renamed his small rental car company, which he used as a cover for his true work, from Executive Leasing Company to Enterprise Rent-A-Car, after the ship he served on during his time in the navy: the USS Enterprise. This simple trick was enough to fool Van Orden as Van Orden did not involve himself with cars. He believed that the only true mode of transportation were boats. Before I freed his soul, Van Orden was dead set on revolutionizing the boat into a land vehicle. He was experimenting with adding wheels but he did not make much of a breakthrough in his research.

But once I defeated the Church, Taylor reached out to me and revealed the truth. He offered the services of his company, Enterprise Rent-A-Car whenever I was in need. Unfortunately in our current scenario Enterprise has not yet expanded to the Middle East. It appears Hertz has a monopoly in the Middle East. It was only later that I realized the true nature of the Hertz Corporation.

While we waited for our car, Colorado explained what has changed in the US since I've been gone, "So, Clinton lost in 96'. The comedian Jerry Seinfeld was launched to the presidency as an unexpected third-party candidate, winning with a landslide victory. After he took office, he used his electoral mandate to pass his sweeping agenda. His latest law was the "Hunt Down OJ Simpson Act of 1996 and after that … ."

I laughed in response before Colorado could finish. The Juice was a four-time NFL rushing leader and ran for more than 11,000 yards. You'd have to be a poser if you wanted to catch him. I did not know just how right I was when I said those words.

Our car soon arrived. I took a while for I had requested a Pontiac Aztek.

Colorado drove while I sat in the passenger seat. I asked about his daughter and if he had any leads on where she could be.

"Well, she always was a willful child. Thankfully, she dated a football player during high school that wrangled her in. I liked him. He was always straight to the point and didn't stop till he got what he wanted. For some reason, though they didn't last and later she fell in with the wrong crowd. After that, she refused to listen to me or her mom. She and her friends decided to go to Africa to build houses for the poor and that was the last I heard of her. What's wrong with kids today Aladdin Jackie? They all buy into this new age crap of self-empowerment and think about your fellow man. What happened to the good old days where men were men, women were women, and gays were confirmed bachelors."

"I don't know what to say Colorado. When I was younger I too was confused. Campbells or Progresso, Chef Boyardee or Spaghetti-Os, White or Black, consensual or non consensual. Some choices are just harder than others. All I know is that I stand for three things, Tangled is the greatest cinematic experience in history, Shelley Duvall is the most beautiful woman to grace this Earth and jet fuel doesn't melt steel beams. I had to understand those three things before I could even begin to understand myself. So, maybe you're daughter is just searching for what she stands for."

"Thanks Aladdin Jackie, that actually makes me feel better. Maybe when she's ready she'll reach out.," Colorado replied.

Or she's just been kidnapped by Boko Haram and was raped and left for dead in the middle of Africa. You always have to take into account all possible scenarios.

I could tell Colorado was in awe of my wise words as he temporarily lost control of the car and swerved into the other lane. However, this would save our lives as suddenly a squadron of police cars sped past us as sirens blared for what seemed like hours. Tanks soon followed as well as helicopters hovering overhead accompanied by fighter jets.

"Dear God, what the hell are they after", Colorado asked.

No idea, let's follow.

"But what about getting the money."

When life gives you lemons you make lemonade Colorado! Now Drive!

Colorado wouldn't stop asking questions so I did what any good friend would do. I summoned Under Pressure to take control of the car and chase after the small army without his consent. As Genie said in the film Good Will Hunting, "Carpe Diem, Seize the Day." I knew whatever was going on was something we could not pass up.

To catch up we took a different route. The car that they were chasing was soon in sight.

"My God, their chasing Charles Barkley we have to stop them," I screamed.

WHAT WHY! Colorado asked.

He's the star player on my fantasy team! We can't let the police get to him!

"Wait we're getting closer. Actually, it looks like - Agh! I'm such an idiot, it's OJ Simpson, of course, the new law President Seinfeld passed. Aladdin Jackie this is police business maybe we should just leave it alone and make our way … "

"Don't be racist Colorado! Not all black people look alike. We have to help Sir Charles. Wait, I can sense something in the sky with Under Pressure. Give me a second." Whatever I was sensing it was even further up in the sky then the aircraft chasing Charles Barkley. "Wait, I got it. Predator drones! HA HA HA! How about it Colorado, let's use their own weapons against them.

WAIT, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GONNA DO!!?? Colorado screamed.

I put my Zune on max volume and started the beat that I knew so well. What happened afterward may have been the most difficult use of my Pose I ever performed. Simultaneously slowing down our car, while also speeding up Barkley's car to create enough distance between us and the brave men and women who signed up to serve and protect that I've targeted with missiles. The act was swift. Nothing but smoke and debris from the aftermath, or so I thought. Barkley's car stopped ahead and I quickly parked ours' next to it.

"Looks like it's your lucky day Sir Charles. What are you even doing here I thought the Rockets were playing a home ga- My God! Your OJ Simpson. It seems we've made a terrible mistake Colorado."

Before Colorado could respond, music suddenly started playing. A guitar riff in the key of C. As it continued Colorado and I noticed our feet were moving on their own.

"What the hell's going on now Aladdin Jackie!!!"

"This must be the work of an enemy pose!"

"Your correct brother", OJ Simpson said. He continued, "It's a pose user named Madagascar Ferrari. His pose is Walk this Way and it makes you walk his way."

"How do you know this", I asked.

"Cause he's been chasing me ever since President Seinfeld passed that bullshit law. I'm innocent I tell you, I was framed by Hertz," OJ said.

"It seems there's more than meets the eyes with Hertz Colorado, we'll have to look into it later."

"We've got bigger problems Aladdin Jackie, like how the hell are we going to escape this mess," said Colorado.

Right after Colorado said those words, a tall red-haired man with the physique of a Renaissance sculpture and clad in a puffy shirt stepped forward. I knew this was bad news. The more muscular your body the more powerful your poses are. It appears that all the work I did to paralyze and crush Jamie Oliver's larynx to prevent him from spreading his message of eating well and living longer was for nothing.

"It seems you've got powerful allies Simpson," Ferrari said. "I never imagined that a poser would be in leagues with you." Ferrari then turned to me. "Don't you know he's a murderer, but it seems you are too. Taking out all the brave servicemen who refused to let a killer walk free, you're as despicable as him."

"How dare you call me a murderer. I've never killed a single soul. I only free them. And I only free evil souls so they can be judged. It seems you're friends aren't as innocent as you think."

"I served in Operation Desert Storm with them!" Ferrari shot back.

"I have no idea what that is. But I do know this. I started this day with only three beliefs. But now I have a fourth." Turning to my right and with the utmost conviction in my voice I uttered the following words, "OJ Simpson is an innocent man. He's, "The Untainted Juice."

Annoyed, Ferrari responded, "It doesn't matter what you think, my pose power prevents you from doing anything but to walk my way."

"Can the man of the hour get a word in," OJ interrupted. If y'all haven't noticed I'm not walking, or I'm not walking your way.

OJ suddenly pulled out a walkman and the muffled sound of a falsetto traveled to our ears.

"You two aren't the only posers here. I pose too and my pose .. is Smooth Criminal."

Ferrari burst out in laughter and proceeded to taunt OJ, "It doesn't matter what your pose is. You're gonna have to approach me if you want to defeat me. And once you get in the range of my pose you're helpless."

OJ snidely responded, "Oh I don't think so." Suddenly he started walking backward. It appeared the power of Smooth Criminal was that it allows its user to walk backward.

As Ferrari looked on in shock OJ pulled out an M9 beretta and shot Ferrari's iPod. With Walk this Way no longer playing I activated my Zune to summon Under Pressure. I proceeded to shatter Ferrari's kneecaps to prevent him from escaping and then I knocked him out with a blow to the temple. Colorado and I then ran towards OJ.

"Thanks man. By the way, where did you get that gun", Colorado asked.

OJ responded, "I'm black."

"Nevermind that, I have my own questions" I added. "Why didn't you free his soul? You had the chance."

"Like you said, I'm innocent. I'm not a murderer," OJ responded.

"Well if you're not gonna free his soul, then allow me. It's been a while since I've been able to free a soul and the urge is coming back."

OJ quickly shot back, "No don't. Consider this a way of paying me back for rescuing you. I'm innocent and I'm gonna prove it. And when I do Madagascar Ferrari is gonna be the first person I'm gonna see."

"C'mon Aladdin Jackie it's the least we could do," Colorado said in support of OJ.

I sighed but relented, "Ok, but it seems that this is where we part ways OJ. I'd love to help an innocent man like yourself, but you see Colorado and I are on a journey, so we won't be in Los Angeles for much longer."

OJ asked, "where you headed."

"North Korea"

OJ simply replied, "What a coincidence, so am I."