"No," Amanda said, "stay, please. Is that okay?" she asked tearfully, her eyes flicking between the two other women in the room.
"Are you sure?" Olivia questioned, slightly taken back by the request, not because it was unusual; she had supported victims during rape exams before, but because of the level of trust Amanda Rollins was currently placing in her.
"Please," Amanda repeated.
"Okay," Olivia nodded with a small smile, "okay,"
"Open up please," the nurse said, waving the cotton swab in front of Amanda's face.
Olivia watched as the blonde set her jaw stubbornly, but ultimately she complied with the nurse's request and opened her mouth. Amanda had been relatively calm during the more passive parts of the exam, she'd stared blankly into space as the nurse had clipped her fingernails and combed her hair, and hadn't fussed when two vials of blood had been drawn for the tox screen. But now it was getting more invasive and it was obvious that Amanda was having a hard time keeping it together. Olivia was standing a few feet away from the bed, keeping a respectable distance away.
Sometimes she would take a victims' statement during the exam, that way it meant they didn't have to hang around for so long but Amanda was so shaken up she decided it would be best to wait.
The nurse picked up a camera from the trolley and snapped a picture of the bruise that marred Amanda's left eye. Again the blonde barely reacted, didn't even seem to notice the flash.
"Loosen your gown a little and let it fall at the front," the nurse said sweetly, as she finished the paperwork for the oral swab.
"Sorry, what?" Amanda said, the nurses words regaining her attention.
"Let your gown drop at the front, I need to get some pictures of the bruising,"
"Oh, right," Amanda replied hoarsely. She was in the beginnings of a hangover and her throat was so dry.
Amanda caught eye contact with Olivia for a second before she dropped her head. Her hair acted as a curtain, shielding her face as the nurse took more photos of her chest, arms and back.
As the nurse notes down the image numbers in the paperwork Olivia noticed how tense Amanda had suddenly gotten. She wasn't surprised, since she knew that Amanda knew what was coming next.
"Amanda, do you want a break?" Olivia asked softly, crossing the room to be at the side of the bed. Amanda looked up at Olivia and crossed her arms defensively across her chest.
"Uh, no. I-I'm done," Amanda said quietly, shaking her head.
Olivia sighed softly. The nurse was only halfway through. They wouldn't be able to get a rape charge to stick without a complete exam. She knew that in the back of her mind Amanda knew this as well.
"Just take a minute okay?" Olivia soothed. The nurse took her cue to step back, and she busied herself with filling in some more of the paperwork.
Amanda looked up at Olivia and shook her head again. She looked so small and vulnerable sitting there, with her arms wrapped around herself. It was almost as if she were trying to physically hold herself together.
"I know this is hard, but you're doing a really good job Amanda," Olivia said, giving Amanda's hand a gentle squeeze.
"I can't," Amanda replied, her eyes full of tears, "I can't do this again,"
Again? Olivia's mind flashed back to a conversation she'd had with Amanda not long after she'd joined. She'd revealed to Olivia that *something* had happened in Atlanta but she'd been too busy to ever follow it up, had never found the right time. Olivia did know however that nothing had ever been done about it, Amanda had revealed that much, but she was starting to wonder if it was more complicated than that. Regardless, this wasn't about Atlanta, not at the moment, this was about Amanda getting the help and support she needed right now. Olivia knew the blonde detective would come down hard on herself if she refused to continue the exam now, only to regret the decision later. Of course she couldn't push Amanda, she could only encourage her.
"Yes you can," Olivia said gently, not letting go of Amanda's hand, "whatever you're afraid of, you can tell me, alright, I'm not going anywhere,"
"I don't want this to be for nothing" Amanda whispered, looking down again, "what if you never catch him, what if it doesn't go to trial?"
Olivia sensed that this was opening old wounds for Amanda, but the reality was that this wasn't the same as what had happened previously. Amanda wasn't in Atlanta, she was in New York and if Olivia had her way the scumbag would have the book thrown at him.
"We're gonna catch him," Olivia assured her.
"You can't promise me that," Amanda replied with a sigh.
"I can promise that we're gonna work with the evidence we have, and it's good evidence Amanda, to get him. To keep you safe. But to do that we need all the evidence we can possibly collect. You know that," Olivia explained softly.
Amanda worked her hand out of Olivia's and ran her fingers through her knotted hair. Her eyes flicked over to the nurse, who was waiting patiently in the corner of the room and briefly up to Olivia before she looked down again.
"'Kay," Amanda agreed, so softly that Olivia wasn't sure she'd heard her right.
"You okay to continue?" Olivia asked, she wanted confirmation from Amanda before she brought the nurse back over.
Amanda gave a tiny nod, but didn't speak. Olivia took that as an affirmative and waved the nurse back over.
"I need you to remove your pants and underwear, separately," the nurse informed Amanda as she pushed the equipment trolley back over to the bed.
Slowly, somewhat hindered by the pain in her ribs, Amanda took off her jeans and handed them to them to the nurse. As the nurse bagged the jeans and filled out the paperwork Olivia stepped to the other side of the curtain. It had a dual purpose of giving Amanda some privacy and giving Olivia a minute to gather her thoughts. She really had thought that Amanda was going to refuse to continue for a moment there. She let out a small sigh and checked her phone. It was almost 4am. She figured if she could get Amanda to release the rape kit as soon as t was completed she could call it in to SVU and then CSU could start processing the alleyway. But Olivia's hands were tied until then.
From the other side of the curtain, she could hear the nurse telling Amanda to relax and Olivia shook her head sadly as she heard the small whimper that was Amanda's reply.
"Amanda I'm coming in is that okay?" Olivia asked. She didn't get a response either way but after a few seconds she decided that she was going to go in anyway.
"Okay," Olivia said gently, approaching the terrified woman, "take a breath Amanda, you can't relax when you're holding your breath,"
Amanda let out a long shaky breath but she wouldn't look up and make eye contact with Olivia. She did however, grasp gratefully on to Olivia's hand when it was offered.
"Almost done now, then we can get you out of here alright?"
Another tiny nod from Amanda. The nurse looked to Olivia to double check and the brunette detective found herself grateful for her caring and considerate manner.
Olivia didn't fail to notice the silent tears that rolled down Amanda's cheeks as the nurse took the last few samples and meticulously documented them with the paperwork.
"We're all done here," the nurse finally said, and Amanda moved herself to sit on the edge of the bed much faster than someone with her injuries should.
"I want to go, now. Please," she pleaded and the desperation was evident on her face.
"I'll get a doctor to come in and sign the discharge papers," the nurse offered helpfully, as she gathered all of the brown paper bags into one large box, "you can put these on," she said, handing Amanda a set of blue scrubs.
"Thank you," Olivia smiled to the nurse as she left the room with the trolley.
"Can I call this in?" Olivia asked gently.
"Fine," Amanda replied, setting the blue scrubs down on the bed. She stood up, wincing slightly at the movement and Olivia excused herself to let Amanda get dressed. She stepped outside to put in a call to SVU. Until she got Amanda's statement there wasn't much for the night shift to do bar tracking down the CCTV, and Olivia was sure that they'd hand it over to Fin and Nick when they realised who the victim was. Still it had gotten the ball rolling and CSU were going to process the scene at last. Once she'd finished the call to the precinct she hung up and dialled another number.
When Olivia stepped back into the room she caught the tail end of a conversation between Amanda and the doctor.
"...you can't be alone for the next 36 hours,"
"That's alright, she'll be with me," Olivia confirmed.
The doctor then signed the yellow release forms and gave them to Olivia.
"Miss Rollins does have a minor concussion so if she had any dizziness, nausea or severe pain you should bring her back in straight away," the doctor explained.
"Thank you doctor," Olivia said, as he left the room.
"Ready to go?" She asked Amanda, who was now dressed in the scrubs that were about 3 sizes too big for her.
Amanda nodded her head, "thanks... for telling the doctor I wouldn't be alone, they weren't going to let me go,"
"You're not going to be alone," Olivia replied, "you're staying at mine, at least for the rest of tonight," she explained as she caught the confused look on Amanda's face.
"No, no, it's okay," Amanda protested, shaking her head.
"My place is closer and I also need to take your statement and I didn't think you'd want to go to the precinct" Olivia explained, "and you really shouldn't be alone, not with a concussion,"
"But I, uh, I, what about Brian?"
"It's alright Amanda, I already talked to him," Olivia said with a reassuring smile as she draped her coat around the blonde's shoulders, "let's get out of here."
thanks for reading! Please review!