Hi guys, I honestly can't believe how many reviews I have for this story you are all awesome. I really, really do appreciate them. So I decided to do another long chapter, its just Amanda and Olivia again because there seemed to be a general opinion that you liked that. There will be some more of the case coming up and some Amanda/Fin friendship scenes but for just know I'm having fun writing Amanda and Olivia's friendship. Once again thank you SO MUCH for the reviews I absolutely love reading them and they spur me on to write more, it would be lovely if the people leaving guest reviews could sign their names then I know who they're from :) Here's chapter 10. Lily x

tw: there's a description of rape in this chapter, it's not overly graphic, but a warning anyway.

"Amanda, who's Peter?" Olivia asked gently.

The blood rushed to Amanda's head as she heard Olivia's question. Her blood was pounding in her ears and an uncomfortable feeling of panic rose in her chest. So Olivia had heard something. And now she as asking about it and Amanda was so conflicted about what she wanted to do. She wanted to push Olivia away, she wanted to tell her to get out and stop nosing around in her business. She didn't want to reveal yet another thing that would expose her as weaker and more vulnerable, more stupid than she ready looked but she also wanted to pour her heart out to the older woman, to take the comfort she knew that Olivia would give her. And Olivia had already given so much that Amanda didn't feel she deserved.

Olivia, seeing the internal struggle play out on Amanda's face, moved slightly closer to her and let her hand rest gently on her shoulder.

"It's okay, Amanda. It's just you and me here," she reassured, her tone gentle and soothing.

"That's the problem," Amanda whispered so quietly that Olivia almost didn't catch what she said.

"Why's that a problem?" Olivia asked softly.

"You've already done too much I-"

"Stop," Olivia cut in, "I wouldn't be here unless I wanted to be, I told you that," she said, giving Amanda's shoulder a slight squeeze before she moved to hold Amanda's hand in her own, "what's going on, talk to me,"

"Y-you've seen me, it's too much. I know it's stupid but I just feel so..." Amanda babbled, ending her sentence with a sigh when she realised she couldn't voice her feelings out loud.

"Vulnerable," Olivia said quietly, finishing her sentence for her.

Pulling her hand out of Olivia's loose grip, Amanda wrapped her arms around herself. It was a defensive pose Olivia had become very familiar with since that morning. She knew it meant the blonde was attempting to shut herself off but Olivia knew she needed to try and keep her talking.

Amanda sighed and closed her eyes. She wished it wasn't this hard. Olivia was there, doing everything she could think of to make this easier for her, and she knew the brunette had been through something similar, that she understood but Amanda just couldn't do it, it was so hard for her to trust people, it was a miracle she'd let Olivia in this much.

The blonde stood up and walked towards the door, intent on making Olivia leave her apartment, on telling her to just read her personnel file, that she would find the information she wanted in there. But she stopped as she reached the door handle. She knew if Olivia read that file she'd be swallowing the pack of lies the deputy chief had made sure would be there, no, if Olivia was going to find out, she had to know the truth. And the truth was something Amanda had become terrified to tell.

Olivia had realised what Amanda was doing as the blonde had gotten up, she was going to shut her out, to tell her to go away. Olivia had realised she needed to do something drastic in order to gain Amanda's trust but she wasn't even sure that she could. But as she saw Amanda falter by the door, as she saw the struggle the younger woman was having with herself she decided to just rip off the band aid.

"I was raped," Olivia said quietly and the words felt foreign to her as she spoke them. She'd only ever said it once, revealing the details to her therapist 3 months after the assault at Sealview, and she hadn't said them since.

Amanda whirled around, clutching at her ribs as they protested against the sudden movement. Shock and confusion evident on her face, she started to speak, her words coming out urgently. "But I thought, you said he didn't, Olivia I can't..."

Seeing the panic and guilt on Amanda's face, Olivia realised the blonde thought she was referring to her recent abduction. Olivia stood up on surprisingly shaky legs and crossed the room to where Amanda was standing. Amanda had never spoken about it but Olivia knew the blonde blamed herself for what had happened.

"Not Lewis," Olivia reassured her, hoping that it would alleviate some of Amanda's panic. It hadn't been Olivia's intention to work Amanda up even more than she already was, "he didn't, I promise,"

Olivia slipped her arm around Amanda's rigid shoulders and coaxed her into moving back towards the couch. After sitting Amanda down she joined her. Olivia knew she had to finish telling her story and she prayed that it would help Amanda to trust her like she had imagined it would, but at this point Olivia wasn't sure of anything.

"It happened when I was undercover at a woman's prison," Olivia started to explain.

Amanda looked up, confusion clouding her blue eyes. She'd heard the story when she'd first transferred, and not being one for gossip had asked Fin about it so that she could be sure she wasn't getting some sensationalised water cooler version of events.

"But Fin..."

"He'd, uh, he'd finished, just as Fin got there," Olivia revealed, forcing the words out past the thick lump in her throat.

"I told Fin he had interrupted, that nothing had happened. No one else knows," Olivia said, blinking back tears and suddenly worried, she waited for Amanda to get angry, to ask her why Olivia had pushed her so hard at the hospital when she didn't report herself. It would have been a justified reaction. But Amanda didn't get angry.

Olivia felt a surprisingly warm hand grasp on to hers and when she looked up she found Amanda furiously blinking back her own tears. They were kind of the same, Olivia realised. Both stubborn as hell, both overly dependant on themselves, both averse to letting anyone behind their carefully crafted walls. She realised that this was why they butted heads too often, because they were so alike.

"I'm so sorry that happened to you," Amanda said hoarsely, her voice thick with emotion. She knew it had taken a lot out of Olivia to reveal that and Amanda knew it had been for her benefit.

Olivia nodded, not quite sure how to respond to Amanda's words. She was supposed to be comforting the blonde, not the other way around. She sat a little straighter, but still held on to to Amanda's offered hand.

"It was a long time ago, I had therapy," Olivia explained and she saw Amanda flinch as she remembered her earlier comment. Olivia didn't bring it up, as far as she was concerned that was water under the bridge.

"And it helped, but the reason I pushed you so hard at the hospital is because I understand what it's like when you haven't got a chance in hell to bring the bastard to justice, when you can't even try to," Olivia said, "but I'm sorry I pushed you tonight, it wasn't my right to ask you about something you didn't chose to reveal to me," she apologised.

Olivia sat back, letting Amanda process what she had just said. She could see the concentration on Amanda's face as she thought it all over, Olivia could see her chewing the inside of her cheek, something she'd observed the blonde doing when she was trying to find leads on a hopeless case.

"No, I-I should tell you," Amanda finally said. It needed to come out anyway, and she knew it was going to be better coming from her first hand, and if she couldn't even talk to Olivia, after all the brunette had trusted her with, how was she supposed to talk to the ADA, to the grand jury?

"I, um, well, you'll find out eventually, it's in my file," Amanda said shakily, "but I want to tell you what really happened,"

Olivia nodded, keeping quiet. She didn't want to rush Amanda, not now she was opening up. She sensed hesitation in the blonde, even now and squeezed Amanda's hand, now back to being the comforter, not the comforted.

"No one believed me," Amanda admitted, her face screwing up as she remembered and Olivia's heart went out to her, "not even my partner, only my captain did, but there was nothing he could do,"

"I believe you," Olivia said firmly and Amanda shook her head sadly.

"I haven't even told you yet," Amanda said, "you might change your mind," she continued, as if she were preparing herself for Olivia to brush her off like everyone else had.

"You don't dream like you did about things that didn't happen," Olivia said, remembering her own hideous nightmares, the months she'd spent screaming herself awake, "just take your time honey there's no rush,"

Amanda let out a long sigh, "it was 3 years ago, my partner set me up with one of his buddies for a charity ball. I didn't really wanna go but it was a favour for a friend. When I found out who it was I was going with I didn't wanna go even more. Peter Brixton had a reputation for being an asshole. Also the deputy chief's son," Amanda explained.

Olivia kept quiet, choosing to let Amanda tell the story at her own pace, but she couldn't help but notice how she flinched at the sound of the guys name.

"But I went anyway, played the part, enjoyed the free bar. But I wasn't drunk. Not that drunk," Amanda said automatically, defending herself against a judgement she knew in her heart she wasn't going to get from Olivia.

"I started to enjoy his company and we were flirty and at the end of the night I went back with him in his car to his hotel room," Amanda closed her eyes and sighed. She knew how this sounded, and it was only going to get worse. She didn't dare look at Olivia as she began to speak again.

"I kissed him, willingly, in the car. The driver saw. He was the first person they interviewed and after that they'd made up their minds as to who was telling the truth,"

"Hey," Olivia said softly, knowing she couldn't stay silent while Amanda was already blaming herself, "kissing someone does not equal consent. Neither does going back to their hotel room. Amanda, look at me," she commanded gently, waiting until the blonde made eye contact, "you know that, right? It wasn't your fault,"

"I know," Amanda said, but Olivia could see the guilt in her eyes. Amanda had been shafted by so many of the people that were supposed to have her back that she felt guilty for protesting her innocence.

"It was fine until we got back to the hotel and then while he was in the bathroom I had a bit of time to gather my thoughts, I'd sobered up a bit more. I realised it was gonna look bad, he was still in uniform and with who his dad was, it was just gonna be a mess," Amanda carried on telling the story, knowing that if she stopped for too long she'd lose her nerve. She had to finish it now.

"I should'a just left, but I stayed, I wanted to explain but if I'd just left..." Amanda sighed, "he came out and just threw me on the bed. I hadn't said anything yet so he didn't know, he wasn't rough, not then. He carried on and I kept trying to get his attention," Amanda paused, sucking in shaky breath and she looked at the woman sat next to her. She saw the empathy in her brown eyes and not a single ounce of judgment.

"I don't think he realised what I was trying to say, not at first, but I panicked and I said we should stop, that it was a mistake and then his whole demeanour just changed. He was angry, said I'd teased him. I guess I did," Amanda shrugged and she pulled her hand out of Olivia's and wrapped her arms around herself, "I struggled a bit at first, but he had a hundred pounds over me, at least. He was pinning me down with his weight and he kept saying how it could be worse,"

"Amanda..."

"The nurse at the hospital commented on how uninjured I was, for 'someone who said they'd been raped'. She said that it could be worse. He didn't beat me Olivia, but he didn't have to, I didn't fight him, not really, I don't know why I didn't,"

"People react differently to trauma, it's like firing a gun, you can train and prepare for it, but when that moment comes, it's always different, sometimes you hesitate, sometimes you don't. You can't beat yourself up about how you reacted in an impossible situation, that's not fair," Olivia explained. She'd heard so many women and men have this struggle with themselves and she knew that however much someone said not to, it was impossible not to analyse your reaction. Olivia knew, she'd been there.

"That was how they shot down my story, they made me look like some whore who regretted sleeping with a colleague and was out for revenge. I had bruises on my wrists but he said I liked it kinky, that I'd begged him to hold me like that" Amanda said angrily, "and they believed him, his dad made sure of that."

Olivia bit her lip. She was disgusted at Atlanta PDs treatment of Amanda but she knew that getting angry now wouldn't achieve anything. What Amanda needed was someone to listen, to believe her.

"The rape kit just backed up his story. All they found was evidence of rough sex, inconclusive for forced intercourse," Amanda said, and she shook her head.

"Rape exams are subjective Amanda, and it sounds like the nurse was already wrongly doubtful of your story. And even if she wasn't biased it can still be human error," Olivia tried to explain and she looped her around around Amanda's tense shoulders in an attempt to bring her some comfort.

"Don't," Amanda protested, twisting out of Olivia's half embrace and standing up. She went over to the window and leaned her forehead against the cool glass, "don't try and explain that away. He knew what he was doing, he made sure there'd be no doubt."

"Rape is still rape even if they weren't rough, you said no, he still went ahead. That's rape Amanda and it's not your fault," Olivia said desperately and she was even more confused when Amanda shook her head.

"He was rough, he did hurt me, just not enough for it to show," the blonde sighed and looked out over the rapidly darkening city, "he used his fingers first, 'to get me ready'. I was so frightened Olivia I didn't even realise what was happening until it happened," Amanda forced back a sob at the memory and brought her hand up to trace random patterns in the condensation on the window, desperately trying to stop herself from completely breaking down.

"You had an orgasm," Olivia said sadly, realising what Amanda meant. This was one of the hardest things she'd seen rape victims have to deal with, and that, combined with how Amanda had been made to feel explained the blonde's bone deep guilt over the incident.

"I didn't want to, I swear, I had no control over it and he was laughin' at me, telling me that he knew I wanted it really, that was his proof. I've never felt more disgusting in my life," Amanda admitted, sniffling. She was about to lose her battle with the tears she was currently holding back.

"That's an involuntary bodily response, that does not mean you wanted it, in any way,"

"I read the literature," Amanda sniped, "it doesn't stop me feeling how I feel. Even though I know I said no, that I struggled, a part of me still wonders if he was right, I've never stopped doubting myself, I can't believe I let this happen again," Amanda admitted, and she crumbled at the words that came out of her mouth. An anguished sob tore from her throat and she curled her hands into fists against the glass. She was shaking from the effort of holding back her tears.

Olivia knew she couldn't just leave the distressed woman standing there but every other time she'd offered comfort Amanda had shrugged it off. Whether she was afraid of breaking down or if the blonde thought she didn't deserve it Olivia didn't know, but right now she had nothing else to offer. Olivia knew words alone would be futile, empty.

Moving slowly Olivia got up from the couch and walked over to where Amanda was standing.

"Amanda," she called softly but the blonde didn't turn around. Tentatively she put her hand on Amanda's shoulder. She felt the younger woman tense under her touch but she didn't pull away. Slowly, Olivia moved her hand, looping her arms around Amanda's waist, not too tightly, aware of her broken ribs. Olivia rested her head lightly on Amanda's shoulder and whispered in her ear when she felt the blonde begin to pull away from her embrace.

"Don't fight me, just relax, you're okay honey," Olivia soothed. She could see Amanda's unsure and anguished expression in the darkened window. She was trying so hard to hold it together.

"I wish that I could but I can't change what happened, or how you're feeling but I want you to know that I believe you, and you are not to blame for any of this," Olivia said sincerely.

Amanda brought her hands down from the window and for a moment Olivia thought she was going to struggle but instead the blond wrapped her arms over Olivia's making her tighten her grip just a little. Olivia felt some of the tension leave Amanda's body as she began to cry and as she saw the tears rolling down the blonde's cheeks in the window her heart broke a little bit more.

"I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere," Olivia whispered, as she held the crying woman, "I'm right here."

Thank you so much for reading! Please review :)