Hey guys. Thank you so so much for the really great reviews. The honestly spur me on the write the longer chapters. I'm glad you liked chapter 11 :) it's super helpful when you guys tell me what you like/wanna see more of or not see so much of as then i get a better idea of what to write :) once again thank you SO much for your comments, they're so so appreciated you don't even know. So on with chapter 12!
"How you doing baby girl?" Fin asked softly. He took in the appearance of the woman in front of him. On one hand he was just relieved to actually see Amanda, to see her up and talking. But the Amanda sitting on the couch wasn't the Amanda he knew. His partner was a shadow of her former self, hugging her arms protectively around herself and she wouldn't even look at him. If anything, he was now even angrier than he was before, but he knew he had to control himself.
"I'm alright," Amanda replied, swallowing the thick lump in her throat. It was a blatant lie. One that she knew her partner would see through in five seconds flat. Out of the corner of her eye Amanda saw Fin shoot a look to Olivia, who was still standing by the door. The brunette shook her head softly and Fin turned his attention back to his partner.
"How you feelin' Manda?" he asked, hoping a more direct question would coax a more honest answer from her.
Amanda still couldn't look up and meet Fin's eyes. How could she tell him what she was truly feeling? How could she tell him that she was feeling ashamed, guilty, dirty, weak, a failure? She was supposed to be his partner, she knew he must already know about the gambling and still he'd come to check on her, she didn't need to add more to the list of things she'd ruined. No, she couldn't tell him any of what she was feeling.
"Sore," she replied, in the hope that Fin would shy away from asking her about her physical injuries. She winced briefly as she realised he'd probably seen the photos the nurse had taken at the hospital. Maybe he was just here out of pity, why would he trust her as his partner after she lied, after she got herself into a bad situation and couldn't even fight her way out of it?
Fin narrowed his eyes at the blonde; he could tell she was deliberately giving vague answers. She'd never been able to lie to him well, that's why he'd been so surprised when Olivia had revealed she'd been at a casino.
"Rollins look at me," he said, calling her by her last time to grab her attention but still keeping his tone soft, "look at me," he repeated. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Olivia slip into the kitchen and soon smelt fresh coffee wafting out from the open door. He sighed as she still refused to pull her gaze up from the floor.
"Please talk to me Amanda, you're my partner, I've got your back. What can I do to help?" Fin wasn't a man who begged, ever, but he threw away his pride as he tried to get through to the broken woman in front of him.
"You still wanna be my partner?" Amanda asked in a tiny voice. She sounded so unsure and apprehensive.
"Of course I do… Amanda, why would you ask me that?" Fin asked incredulously.
"I know you've got my back Fin, I trust you with my life, but now, after this, do you trust me with yours?" Amanda questioned.
"Absolutely," Fin answered without hesitation and when Amanda shook her head at his affirmation he finally realised what was going through her head.
"I couldn't stop him," Amanda admitted sadly, seemingly shrinking even back further into the sofa.
"I've read the report Amanda, you fought back, hard. This guy was twice your size, you didn't have your gun, he had an unfair advantage. This wasn't your fault."
"But I was in the casino, if I hadn't…," Amanda whispered, furiously blinking back tears. She didn't want to cry again, not in front of Fin.
"You can't start thinking about the what if's baby it'll eat you alive. Yeah you slipped up, you made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, me included. But even though you were in that casino, you didn't make this happen. This was his crappy choice," Fin reasoned, "please look at me."
Amanda took a shaky breath and the once she was finally sure she would be able to keep her tears at bay she looked up into the eyes of her partner. Fin's stomach flipped when he saw the absolute devastation written across Amanda's face. He wanted nothing more than to envelope her in his arms and swear that he'd never let anyone hurt her again but her body language was warning him away from any kind of contact. Still he had her full attention now and that was enough.
"I know it feels like everything's changed, but nothing's changed between you and me. Not the stuff the matters. I don't think any less of you because of what's happened, Manda I think you're damn brave," Fin said. He could see that Amanda was about to disagree with him so he continued to speak before she had a chance to, "you know how hard this process is but you're still going through with it. That's how I know you're still that tough as old boots, stubborn as a mule Amanda Rollins, even if you don't feel like that right now. It's okay not to feel like that. But I want you to know that I'm so proud of you. I'm proud to call you my partner," clearing his throat, Fin was surprised to feel tears prickling at his eyes as Amanda lost her battle with her own tears. He'd never said it out loud, but he regarded Amanda almost as a little sister. It killed him that he wasn't able to protect Amanda from the attack but he could try his hardest to help her get through it.
Olivia had poked her head out of the kitchen door and watched some of the exchange between the two. She couldn't quite hear what Fin was saying, but he'd finally gotten Amanda to look at him, and then said something that had reduced the blonde to tears. Olivia had watched Fin awkwardly try and decide how best to comfort Amanda, first of all moving to get up, presumably to sit next to her, but ultimately he'd decided to just reach out and lay his hand on her knee. He was speaking softly, in a soothing tone that Olivia sometimes even now was surprised that he had the ability to produce. She knew she had been right to let Fin in, despite her initial reservations. He seemed a lot more relaxed than when she'd answered the door to him, and Amanda tears sounded more like tears of relief rather than tears of distress. Olivia decided to leave them to their moment and went back into the kitchen to sip her now lukewarm coffee.
"Liv," Fin said quietly as he made his way into the kitchen, "are you staying with Amanda tonight?"
"Yeah I was going to, she didn't sleep very well today and I don't really want to leave her on her own. I'm gonna get Brian to drop off some clothes," Olivia replied, "do you want some coffee?" she asked, gesturing to the pot.
"Nah I'm alright thanks. Look, why don't you go home for an hour or so, get a change of clothes. I'll sit with her," Fin offered.
"Nice offer Fin but I need to go over her statement with her," Olivia said, shaking her head, "that's why Cap sent you over here in the first place,"
"It's alright she said she'll go over it with me," Fin explained and Olivia raised her eyebrow questioningly.
"How'd she take it?" Olivia asked.
"Well I sort of just told her we needed to go over it so the timeline was solid, and to see if she'd remembered anything else, she seemed okay with it," Fin said.
Olivia chewed on her lip for a moment while she contemplated what Fin had told her. It would be nice to go home and have a shower, maybe see Brian and give him more of an explanation that she'd been able to on the phone. Olivia's mind wandered back to Amanda and she decided that she would double check with the blonde first, and then decide what she was going to do.
"I'm just going to double check," Olivia said, "just in case," she added defensively as she walked into the living room.
As Olivia sat down on the couch next to her, Amanda spoke before the brunette had a chance to, "Fin needs to go through some stuff with me so you can bail, go see Brian," Amanda said with a weak smile.
"Are you sure?" Olivia checked and Amanda nodded.
"And y-you don't have to come back, you've already done so much Olivia, I don't wanna…"
"I'll be back in about an hour and a half," Olivia smiled, "No 'but's, it's my choice," she said, her voice gentle but firm and she saw Amanda visibly relax as she affirmed she would be coming back, "I'll see you in a little while okay," Olivia smiled, and Amanda smiled back, this one a little more genuine.
As Fin saw Olivia out she turned and stopped for a moment, "don't push her too hard, I know you won't mean to but I did last night and she panicked," Olivia warned, "I'll be back in an hour and a half, any problems, call my cell, I'll charge it as soon as I get in the car,"
"Don't worry Liv, we'll be alright," Fin reassured the brunette. As Olivia made her way back down to her car she was still a little apprehensive. It wasn't that long ago that Amanda had even tolerated talking to Olivia herself about what had happened, but she trusted Fin to do the right thing, and Amanda herself had agreed. Olivia worried that in some part Amanda had agreed purely to let her go home for a while, but whatever the reason, there was no one Olivia trusted more to look after Amanda than her partner.
Right on time Olivia arrived back at Amanda's apartment door. She felt so much better for having taken a shower and changed. Brian's hadn't been home, but that wasn't an unusual occurrence. Olivia had left him a long note explaining that she might be gone for a couple more days but that she would have her phone. She knocked softly on the door and her heart dropped when a grim faced Fin opened the door.
"What happened?" Olivia immediately questioned.
"She figured it out pretty quickly, why we had to go over stuff, but she was doing fine, then she just freaked out. She's locked herself in the bathroom and I've been talking to her but she won't come out," Fin looked incredibly guilty and worried, and Olivia could tell that he hadn't deliberately done anything to provoke the reaction.
"It's not your fault," she reassured him, "this happened when I took her statement. Did you get enough to work with?" Olivia asked.
"Yeah just about," Fin replied, "look I'm just gonna go, work this up and see what Amaro got from the surveillance tapes,"
"Don't beat yourself up," Olivia said, "you know how unpredictable victims are." The brunette stumbled over the word victim. Never had she thought she would have to use it to describe Amanda. It felt so wrong.
"Look after Liv, I'll let myself out," Fin said as he walked towards the door.
Olivia set her bag down on the couch before she walked up the corridor into Amanda's bedroom and sat down outside the bathroom door. She couldn't hear any tell-tale signs of a panic attack and Olivia began to worry that Amanda had passed out.
"Amanda," she called, knocking urgently on the door, "it's just Olivia, can you open the door?"
Olivia breathed a sigh of relief as she heard a shuffling and a slight groan. The lock clicked and Amanda let the door swing inward. She was sat next to the door frame huddles up against the bathtub and Olivia moved just slightly to sit in the door frame so she didn't crowd the blonde.
"You okay?" Olivia asked, and she winced at the question. Of course Amanda wasn't okay; she'd locked herself in the bathroom.
"It was just too much," Amanda sighed, "we'd been going over and over it, and I know it has to be airtight but I couldn't do it anymore,"
Olivia realised that Fin must have pushed Amanda a bit harder than he probably should have, despite her warning. She knew he had a burning desire to catch Amanda's attacker and that had probably clouded his judgement.
"I'm sorry that you had to go through it all again honey,"
"It won't be the last time," Amanda said sadly.
"No it won't," Olivia sighed sadly, "but hopefully you'll have had more than 4 hours sleep,"
As if on cue, Amanda let out a large yawn, wincing and holding her ribs. "You wanna try and sleep?" Olivia asked as Amanda yawned a second time.
"Yeah I guess," Amanda replied. Despite Olivia jumping up first and offering her a hand to help her up, Amanda chose instead to steady herself using the bathtub, reclaiming just a small piece of dignity at her tiny victory.
"Why don't you get ready for bed and I'll bring you in some more painkillers," Olivia offered.
"Thanks," Amanda replied, nodding, "Liv," she called just as the brunette was exiting the room, "just one pill okay,"
Olivia frowned. Amanda hadn't even been out of the hospital for 24 hours, the recommended dose was two every four hours for the first 4 days at least. Seeing the look on Olivia's face, Amanda quickly explained herself.
"I don't wanna get used to them," she said, hoping that Olivia would just accept the vague explanation. Amanda was sure but now that it was no secret she had an addictive personality but she didn't want to say it out loud if she could help it. Olivia didn't look convinced but she agreed anyway.
More than slightly hindered by the pain of her injuries, Amanda slowly got ready for bed, dressing in her most comfortable pair of long flannel pajamas. They covered up almost all of her injuries so she didn't have to chance looking at them. After she'd brushed her teeth Amanda sat awkwardly on the bed and tried to quell her rising panic.
When Olivia came back with a glass of water and just one of the painkillers Amanda noticed that she too had changed into her sleepwear, a scruffy old academy t shirt and plaid pajama pants.
"Here you go," Olivia said kindly, handing the glass and pill to Amanda, "I've locked the door, the chains on, and I'll be right outside," the brunette assured her. She could tell that Amanda was a bit panicky and wanted to reassure her as much as possible.
"You don't have to sleep on the couch," Amanda said quickly. She wasn't worried about the front door; she'd had 2 extra locks fitted after Kim had cleared her out. The fire escape by her bedroom window was currently the source of her panic, "the beds plenty big, I mean if you want, the couch isn't very long," Amanda was babbling, but in the midst of the jumble of words Olivia caught her glancing nervously at the bedroom window. Seeing the fire escape, Olivia realised why Amanda was so anxious.
"I can sleep just about anywhere but I never say no to a real bed," Olivia smiled, "I'm just gonna brush my teeth alright,"
When Olivia emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later Amanda was already in the bed, but sitting up against the headboard.
"Olivia I'm sorry, I know it's stupid," Amanda apologised, a slight blush colouring her cheeks.
"'It's not stupid," Olivia said shaking her head, "you don't have to apologise to me Amanda, and don't be afraid to ask if you need help. I didn't, not for a while and I regret that,"
"It's just so… I'm not used to it," Amanda said.
"It's okay I'm still here anyway," Olivia reassured her as she got into the opposite side of the bed and snuggled up under the covers. She was surprised as Amanda reached and turned off the lamp, shrouding the room in darkness.
"I can't even hope to fall asleep with a light on, it'll be worse than with it off," Amanda explained, sensing Olivia's shock.
Amanda shuffled herself down into the bed slowly, groaning as the action irritated her injuries. She was beginning to regret only taking one pain pill but she decided to just try and grit her teeth and bear it. Despite the darkness of the room, Olivia could sense how tense Amanda was. Although she'd shuffled down and was lying flat she hadn't moved from that position. After leaving it for a good 15 minutes, Olivia realised that neither of them were going to get any sleep if they continued on like that. Amanda's breathing had become more erratic and Olivia knew she was starting to panic.
"Amanda," she said softly.
"Hmm," Amanda replied, trying her hardest to make it seem like she was okay.
"Can you turn towards me?"
With a little bit of coaxing Amanda turned in the bed so she was facing the brunette detective. There was still enough space between them that Amanda wouldn't feel crowed but Olivia was able to reach and hold on to Amanda's right hand.
"You're okay," Olivia soothed, running her thumb comfortingly over the back of Amanda's hand, "You're okay honey, just and try steady your breathing down."
Amanda found it surprisingly easy to calm herself down as she listened to Olivia voice. That calm, soothing voice that she had hated so much in the hospital was a great source of comfort to her now. She couldn't help but feel a bit guilty, she had absolutely no idea how she was going to pay Olivia back for all that she was doing.
"You're safe, I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you. I'm right here." Olivia continued talking to Amanda until her breathing evened out and she eventually went to sleep. Her hand still in Amanda's, Olivia soon succumbed to her own tiredness, falling into a light but dreamless sleep.
Olivia woke with a start. Momentarily disorientated she couldn't pinpoint the reason for her awakening. And then she heard it. It wasn't the coherent ramblings of Amanda's earlier nightmare, but the whimpers and sobs let Olivia know that it was about as far from a good dream as a person could get. Olivia sat up, first of all laying a hand gently on Amanda's shoulder. The blonde flinched away from the touch violently, flinging her arm out in Olivia's general direction. Amanda hit out again, this time narrowly missing Olivia's nose. Realising that she needed to stop Amanda from punching her or hurting herself, Olivia climbed out of the bed and walked around to the other side. She sat on the edge, and dodging another flimsy punch she pulled Amanda up into a sitting position and circled her arms around the blonde loosely, effectively pinning her arms to her sides.
"Amanda, you need to wake up, it's not real. You're safe honey, wake up," Olivia spoke loudly but didn't shout as she tried to rouse the younger woman from her fitful slumber. Amanda struggled in Olivia's arms but she kept her loose hold on her.
"Amanda, Amanda," Olivia tried gently shaking her, but she was wary of hurting Amanda's ribs, which she was pretty sure would already be quite sore when the blonde finally woke up.
"Amanda come on honey, wake up, it's okay, it's okay," she soothed. Finally she felt Amanda tense in her arms and she knew the blonde had woken up. She struggled momentarily against the arms encircling her before she came to her senses and realised who was holding her.
"Liv?" Amanda croaked, and she reached and grabbed two fistfuls of Olivia's t shirt, desperate to ground herself back in reality.
"It's me, it's Olivia, I've got you sweetheart, it's okay," Olivia comforted as she held the trembling woman in her arms.
"He was here," Amanda choked out, "he got in, h-he…"
"Sssh, he's not here, I promise you, you're safe. It was just a dream. Sssh," Olivia soothed, adjusting her arms so she was holding Amanda just a little bit closer.
Thank you so much for reading :D Please review :)