Hi all, sorry for the wait in this chapter. I have such a stressful job and sometimes it doesn't leave me too much time to write :( but here is chapter 13. Thank you so so much for the reviews, especially those of you who review regularly, I am so grateful for your support. I can't remember off the top of my head so I'm sorry if I forget but thank you so much to Ally, Callie, Alex, Thalia, Belle, Claire, Dumbledore and all the guest reviewers, it really means a lot. Now I know a number of you have said you like the current pace, and I'm still keeping it quite slow. As well as the case I also want to focus on Amanda's recovery process and this doesn't happen over night. I'm also drawing on some things that I have personal experience with so I hope that I do this story justice and handle it sensitively. Anyway, on with the next chapter, I hope you continue to enjoy this story :)

TW: description of rape

"I promise you, it's just you and me here, okay," Olivia soothed, keeping a firm grip on the trembling woman in her arms, "you're safe, it was just a dream,"

The brunette detective continued to hold Amanda until she stopped shaking, until she unburied her face from the safety of Olivia's shoulder.

"I'm so sorry," Amanda mumbled, "I didn't mean to wake you." She shifts slightly, pulling away from Olivia's embrace. Olivia releases her with a sigh. She doesn't want Amanda to shut down again.

"I'm no stranger to nightmares Amanda, you don't have to apologise," Olivia reassured her, lifting Amanda's chin gently so the blonde was looking at her. There was enough pushing through the crack in the curtains light from the streetlamps for Olivia to be able to make out Amanda's features, and she could see the panic slowly fade from the blonde's eyes.

"I'm still sorry," Amanda repeated, and Olivia knew better than to pick an argument with her.

"It's only 2.30," Olivia said as she glanced at the clock on the bedside table, "do you think you can get back to sleep?"

Amanda hesitated for a minute before she stiffly nodded her head, "y-yeah, sure," she said uncertainly.

Olivia frowned. She knew Amanda would probably a bit apprehensive to try sleeping again after such an intense nightmare but she had a feeling that something else was bothering the blonde.

"Amanda what's wrong? Talk to me," Olivia said softly, resting her hand reassuringly on Amanda's shoulder.

"Nothin', I'm okay," Amanda insisted, but as she moved to settle back down in the bed, Olivia saw how tense the other woman was and how she grimaced with the movement.

"You're in pain," Olivia stated matter of factly. She remembered that Amanda hadn't had her full dose of painkillers and she wasn't surprised that she was in pain.

"Just a little, I'll be okay," Amanda said.

Olivia shook her head, "I'm going to get you some more painkillers, and I don't want you to argue with me," Olivia said, her voice firm but still gentle, "you've been out of the hospital less than 24 hours, don't be in more pain than you have to be,"

Without giving Amanda time to argue with her, Olivia got up and made her way into the kitchen to retrieve the painkillers. Knowing she was pushing it by asking Amanda to take any at all, Olivia settled on half the dose again and got a glass of water. She resolved to talk to Amanda in the morning about her unwillingness to take her medication; right now the main priority was that the blonde got as much sleep as she could.

When Olivia returned with the pill, Amanda was grateful that she'd only brought one. She knew she should be taking the proper dose but she was so worried about becoming dependant on them she was finding being in pain preferable to tempting that particular demon of hers. Regardless of this though, as she washed the pill down with the cool water Olivia handed her she couldn't help but feel relieved. The pain really had gotten to the point where it was so bad it would have kept her awake.

"Thanks," Amanda mumbled, handing the glass back to Olivia.

Olivia straightened the bedcovers around Amanda's feet and then climbed back into her side of the bed. Amanda got herself as comfortable as she could considering the pain she was in, pulling the covers all the way to her chin as if the blankets offered her another layer of protection.

"You okay?" Olivia asked sleepily. Truth be told the brunette was struggling to keep her eyes open, but she knew she couldn't go to sleep until Amanda was settled.

"Yeah," Amanda said unconvincingly, "Olivia… could… uh," she stumbled over her words. Amanda found herself missing the comfort of Olivia's hand on hers. She had underestimated how much the simple gesture had helped her to fall asleep earlier that evening, and know she didn't know how to ask Olivia to do it again without making herself sound even weaker than she already felt.

By some sort of miracle, Olivia realised what Amanda was asking, and she slid her hand across the bed, bridging the gap between her and the blonde and held Amanda's hand loosely. Amanda let out a shaky breath, "Liv," she said quietly.

Olivia could tell by the tone of her voice that Amanda was going to thank her, or apologise. Again. She wished that the blonde would just allow herself to be comforted without feeling that she should be sorry or feel indebted for but Olivia herself knew how hard it was to ask for and then accept the help when you're so used to coping on your own.

"It's okay," Olivia whispered, before Amanda had a chance to speak, "sleep now."

Amanda could barely breathe for the weight that was pressing on top of her. She screwed her eyes shut as she tried to will herself away from this place. Her wrists were pinned uncomfortably above her head, and she knew better than to make a sound because the last time she'd tried to shout he'd covered her mouth with his own, muffling her cries and depriving her of air until she was certain she was going pass out. She'd even given up kicking her legs and struggling against the iron grip of his hand. It was futile, he was too big, too strong and Amanda didn't have a chance of winning.

She tried to push the thought of how exposed she was, with the top of her dress ripped open and the bottom pushed up over her hips. He hadn't bothered pulling her underwear all the way down and she could feel them caught around her knees. But no matter how much she tried she couldn't ignore the rough intrusion of his fingers, too many at once .

"Not quite ready yet are you Mandy?" he sneered as he picked up the pace. Amanda let out a pained whimper as he bit the sensitive flesh of her neck, and she knew it would leave a mark.

"Don't worry, we can fix that," he said flippantly, the tone of his voice completely betraying the vileness of what he was currently doing.

Peter changed his tactics, slowing down, his actions more deliberate. Amanda took relief in the brief respite from the pain before a familiar sense of pressure began to build in her lower belly. Her eyes snapped open, her face a mask of terror and confusion as Peter grinned down at her.

"See, you want this really Mandy, listen to your body, you want this,"

"N-no," Amanda choked out, shaking her head violently, "stop, please, stop,"

He laughed cruelly as she let out an involuntary gasp, her body shuddering. As much as she tried, she couldn't stop what was happening. She realised her body was going to betray her and she felt sick to her stomach.

"Just let it happen," he whispered in her ear, "you know you want it,"

"No,"

"No, no," Amanda yelped, waking with a start. Her heart was hammering in her chest and she could feel the sweat rolling down her back.

Olivia had woken up a second after Amanda had and she sat up and reached over to the blonde, trying to reassure her.

"Amanda you're okay," she soothed, but Amanda pulled away from her sharply, jumping from the bed with greater speed than someone with her injuries should be able to.

"Don't," Amanda warned, "just don't touch me, please,"

Alarmed at Amanda's behaviour, Olivia fumbled for the switch on the lamp and turned it on. As the soft light bathed the room she took in the sight of Amanda who was standing at the foot of the bed, her hair wild and her cheeks flushed pink.

"Calm down," Olivia said softly, "It's alright," she sat up, prepared to approach the blonde but Amanda held her arms out in front of her, warning her away.

"I-I need a shower, please Olivia just go back to sleep," Amanda pleaded as she strode past Olivia and into the bathroom, leaving the stunned brunette to contemplate what had just happened. It was obvious that Amanda had had a nightmare but instead of needing the comfort and reassurance like earlier the blonde had refused her help entirely. Olivia knew better than to disturb Amanda now, she was obviously choosing to deal with this in her own way, but there was no way the brunette was going to be able to go back to sleep until Amanda had emerged from the bathroom. Looking at the clock she saw it was 6.45am and she decided it would just be better for her to get up, get dressed and wait in the living room in case Amanda wanted some privacy when she came out of the bathroom. Sighing, Olivia threw back the covers and walked sleepily into the kitchen in search of some coffee.

She'd seen the confusion in Olivia's eyes and she felt guilty for just storming out but Amanda hadn't had a choice. She needed a cold shower, and she didn't want to explain to Olivia why. One of her brains sickest tricks was to replay Peter's attack down to the smallest detail. How was she supposed to tell Olivia that she'd woken up aroused from a nightmare about her rape? It was one thing for it to happen at the time, but Amanda knew there must be something wrong with her for it to happen in her dreams. It had only happened a handful of times, but every time it left her feeling disgusted with herself, more tainted than before. The cruellest thing was that Amanda hadn't been able to reach orgasm either by herself or with the one sexual partner she'd had since she'd moved to New York. The closest she had come was when she'd had that particular nightmare. She shook her head, ignoring the throbbing between her legs as she switched on the shower, turning the dial to the coldest setting.

Despite bracing herself she couldn't help but yelp as she stepped into the icy water. It was so cold it took her breath away, forcing her lungs to contract sharply and painfully. She welcomed it though, it was an effective distraction from other things. Amanda didn't move, she just stood under the frigid spray, letting the water rain down on her, praying with futile hope that somehow it would wash her clean.

After two cups of coffee Olivia had gotten dressed, done last night's washing up and watched the early morning news report. It had been over an hour since Amanda had locked herself in the bathroom and although Olivia wanted to respect Amanda's need for privacy she couldn't help but feel worried for her wellbeing. Preparing herself for a rejection, Olivia made her way to Amanda's bedroom. She knocked twice but got no answer. As she pushed the door open she could see the bathroom door was still closed and she assumed that Amanda was still inside.

"Amanda," she called as she knocked softly on the bathroom door, "are you okay in there?"

No answer. Olivia frowned before trying again, "Amanda I just need you to let me know you're alright then I'll leave you alone." Still Olivia was met with silence and as she pressed her ear to the door she realised that the shower wasn't running and she could hear no movement at all.

"Amanda," Olivia called, tentatively turning the door knob. The fact that Amanda hadn't locked it managed to quell some of Olivia's panic slightly, "I'm coming in okay?"

Not taking silence for an answer anymore Olivia pushed the door open and the scene she saw before her both panicked her and broke her heart. Amanda was wrapped in a huge towel and sitting on the edge of the bathtub. The younger woman was shaking so violently that Olivia didn't know how she was staying upright. Olivia was shocked at the colour of her skin, it wasn't milky pale like usual, it was white pale, too pale. The brunettes first thought was that Amanda was sick, but as she stepped closer to her she noticed her blue tinged lips and the goose bumps on her skin.

"Hey," Olivia said softly, kneeling down just in front of Amanda. The blonde hadn't acknowledged her presence in the room and she kept her movements slow so as not to suddenly startle her.

"It's Olivia," she said a bit louder, hoping to catch Amanda's attention.

Amanda looked up at the sound but she didn't look at Olivia, instead she seemed to look right through her, her eyes weren't focused on anything in particular. Olivia wasn't sure if she was caught in a flashback or was just in extreme distress and she knew she had to tread carefully.

"I'm gonna hold your hand okay, I'm not going to hurt you," Olivia explained as she cautiously reached out to take Amanda's hand in her own. Amanda didn't even acknowledge the action but the brunette gasped at just how cold Amanda's skin was, she'd felt warmer corpses.

"Honey you're freezing," Olivia exclaimed, and she immediately pulled another towel from the rack, standing to drape it around Amanda's shoulders, "you need to get warm," she said and when Amanda still didn't answer her, Olivia pondered just how she was going to get the blonde to cooperate with her when she was so shut down like this.

"Amanda can you look at me please," Olivia said authoritatively. As she spoke she cupped Amanda's face in her hands, hoping that it would make the blonde notice her.

"You need to get up and out of this bathroom and into some warm clothes, do you understand me?" Olivia cringed at how patronising she currently sounded, but she didn't know what else to do, short of carrying Amanda out of the bathroom herself, and she had no idea if the blonde would tolerate that.

"I know you're in there somewhere," Olivia said, smoothing back a strand of wet hair that had fallen over Amanda's face, and finally she saw a flicker of recognition in her blue eyes, "hey," Olivia whispered as Amanda's gaze focused on her at last.

"C-cold," Amanda stuttered.

"I know sweetheart, come on let's get you out of here," Olivia suggested. Relief flooded through the brunette as Amanda cooperated with her to stand up and together they walked out of the bathroom. Olivia had had a lot of experience dealing with many different reactions to trauma but when people completely shut down, like Amanda just had, it was scary as hell.

Amanda sat wordlessly down on the bed and Olivia was shocked at how passive the blonde was. It was a complete one eighty from her previous continuous insistences that she was fine, that she was alright. Putting her concern aside for a moment, Olivia focused her attention on finding Amanda something warm to wear , her current priority was making sure she didn't get hypothermic. It felt a bit intrusive to be going through Amanda's closet but she had made no attempt to find her own clothes or any comment about hat Olivia was doing. Settling on a thick zip up hoody and sweat pants she took then over to where Amanda was sat, still in the same position.

"You need to get dressed," Olivia said gently but Amanda made no attempt to move. She was still shivering, and Olivia knew she needed to get out of the damp towel and into dry clothes sooner, rather than later. She also knew that Amanda would be deeply embarrassed later if Olivia had to dress her, but it was starting to look like that was exactly what Olivia was going to have to do.

"Okay," Olivia said, picking up the jacket, "let's start with this shall we,"

Olivia pulled one sleeve over Amanda's limp arm and pulled it round and did the same with her other arm. Amanda just sat there, the same blank look on her face. It unnerved Olivia, worried her but she stayed focused on the task in hand. Olivia zipped the jacket up before tugging at the towel which fell to Amanda's waist. Olivia used the spare towel to take some of the excess water off of Amanda's still soaking wet hair. Half way through drying Amanda's hair Olivia was stopped as a pale, cold hand covered her own.

"Liv," Amanda whispered hoarsely.

"Hi," Olivia pulled back and gave a small sigh of relief and smiled at the blonde, "you're back," she said softly.

"I'm broken," Amanda said simply, casting her gaze down into her lap.

"Huh?" Olivia replied, confused at Amanda's remark.

Amanda looked up again, meeting Olivia's eyes with a look of complete and utter defeat on her face, "Liv I'm broken." She repeated.

Please leave a review telling me what you think (also please tell me if I'm slowing up on the pace TOO much). I know Amanda's reaction can seem a little extreme but this kind of stress can take it out of people a lot and cause them to act differently than what they're used to. I promise you'll have feisty Amanda back soon, but first she needs to hit rock bottom before she can really begin to heal. Thanks for reading!