New Year's Eve, this year...
Over the years, Clarke Griffin had made plenty of New Year's resolutions. Of course, they'd mostly been about eating healthier, or getting more exercise. Or even, maybe, organizing her time better so she wouldn't feel like she was constantly racing around playing catch-up.
But this year's resolution was different. This one was about trying to save herself from more pain and hurt, even though she knew it was probably already way too late for that. Nevertheless, she was determined to try.
Because this year, Clarke had made a resolution to finally, finally get over Bellamy Blake.
Until a year ago she hadn't even realized it was a problem. Hadn't understood how she felt about him at all. Hadn't had tiniest inkling why she'd rushed back from her Mom's for the gang's New Year's bash.
Until she'd walked into the dance club and found Bellamy sitting on that barstool, looking both incredibly hot... and endearingly out of place.
Her heart had warmed at the sight of him, while her stomach had unexpectedly begun turning somersaults. She'd suddenly wanted nothing more than for her best friend in the world to dance with her, and had been both amazed and delighted when he'd agreed.
Her entire body had quivered with anticipation as she surreptitiously watched him finish his drink while she danced next to Niylah. There'd been that slight pang of disappointment when he'd put her off for a bit, ordering another drink, but she'd figured she could wait a few more minutes.
And then she'd looked back a moment later and seen him kissing Echo Winters.
The blow had been gut-wrenching.
Somehow her good friend Niylah had known she needed a cover that evening and had provided it. While Clarke drank and drank, and tried to figure out why she hadn't known about Bellamy and Echo.
After that night, she'd shoved down her disappointment, determined to at least keep Bellamy as the same good friend he'd always been. And for the most part she'd succeeded. If she enjoyed her moments alone with him a little too much, like their one-on-one trip to see Casablanca, well... that was her problem.
When the summer came, in many ways her parents' surprise trip was a relief from the constant need to hide her feelings from Bellamy. Of course she'd still missed him like hell.
But then, amazingly, they'd somehow become devoted correspondents, often texting several times a day. There was such a quiet intimacy about some of their late-night conversations that she'd found herself confessing that she and Niylah had never had any kind of serious relationship.
Mostly because hope had begun to bloom in her heart that the Echo thing was over, that something might finally happen with Bellamy. And she understood that nothing ever would if he thought she was into someone else.
So she'd let that longing blossom inside her... only to be massively disappointed when she returned and found that things weren't like she'd hoped at all.
Opening the door to what she'd been certain was Bellamy's empty apartment, only to find him locked in an embrace with Echo, had been one of the most devastating, not to say mortifying, moments of Clarke's life.
Bellamy had tried to be kind, of course. Rushing after her, inviting her in. But she'd known he was just being polite. Just trying to make her feel better.
After that she'd struggled even more, because the genie was truly out of the bottle. She'd recognized the strength of her feelings for him, acknowledged them to herself, and even begun to hope they might be returned. Only to be brought back to Earth with a sickening jolt.
For Clarke, the situation that fall became more difficult than ever.
And then had come her Thanksgiving conversation with Bellamy. The one he'd insisted on having. Where her heart had thumped wildly the whole time they were talking, because although he'd never actually said so, it sounded like maybe, against all the odds, he had those kinds of feelings for her after all.
But she knew her heart couldn't stand another blow. So until she heard that he and Echo were officially over, Clarke wasn't going to let herself listen, or respond.
Or, she'd cautioned herself constantly, hope.
But of course she had hoped, every damn day for more than three weeks. Completely unable to curb the stubborn yearning of her wayward heart. Only to learn in the end that she should have listened to her head after all.
So here it was, New Year's Eve again, and she was alone. Making her quiet but determined resolution.
Clarke knew she was being a coward. That she should have just sucked it up and gone to Harper's party. In fact, she'd spent the entire Christmas visit with her parents quietly psyching herself to do exactly that.
But in the end her courage had failed her.
If she hadn't been so miserable, she figured she'd really have had to laugh at the irony. Hadn't she advised Bellamy not to be too hasty? That he should make absolutely certain that Echo wasn't what... who... he wanted before breaking it off with her? And apparently, he'd followed her advice, taken another look, and... changed his mind!
Clarke supposed she should be grateful that at least she'd had some warning. She shuddered to think how much worse it could have been if she'd walked into the New Year's party and been totally blindsided.
But still, she knew that as Bellamy's friend she should have had the guts to show up, and the decency to wish him well.
Or at least that's what she'd been telling herself for the past nine days.
XXXXXXXXXX
December 22, the last day of school before the winter break...
On most days, Clarke's regularly-scheduled break was third period. Except for Fridays, when it was fifth. Never, ever fourth. But today, the junior class advisors had decided to schedule a class meeting during fourth period, on the grounds that the kids' heads had already left on vacation anyway.
So Clarke found herself unexpectedly free for the next 47 minutes.
She'd never spent much time in the teachers' lounge, but her supplies were already mostly packed away for the break and the thought of hot tea was appealing. She'd no more than taken a sip when Echo Winters walked in, stopping short when she saw Clarke sitting in the otherwise empty room.
"I didn't know you had this period off," Echo said sharply, as though somehow it was information she should have had. She eyed Clarke's tea doubtfully before moving to the coffee urn to fill her mug.
"Uh, it's usually not..." Clarke said, wondering how the hell she could gracefully leave. Echo was just about the last person she'd expected - or wanted - to see.
But it wasn't to be. Not only could she not escape the room, she apparently couldn't even avoid Echo, who eyed her coolly before carrying her coffee mug to Clarke's table, pulling out a chair, and plopping down across from her.
Clarke was taken aback when Echo began peppering her with personal questions.
"So... what are you doing during the break? Do you have any special plans for the holidays?"
"Uh, no, not really," Clarke replied, trying to hide her surprise. "I usually visit my parents. They kind of expect it and I don't get to see them that much during the school year so..."
Echo nodded. "Yeah, me, too." Then her expression turned suddenly sour. "Not that I enjoy hearing over and over about my brother Roan's latest business exploits. He usually spends the whole vacation rubbing it in my face that he's more successful than me."
When she smiled suddenly, Clarke thought to herself that she couldn't remember the last time she'd actually seen Echo smile.
"But this year," Echo said, her smile turning sly, "I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have news that'll upstage anything he's done."
"Oh?" Clarke murmured politely, lifting her cup to her lips and wondering why she'd suddenly become the repository for Echo's confidences.
"Yep!" She smirked at Clarke as she wiggled her left hand in front of her. "Pretty sure that by the end of today, I'm going to have something... shiny and new on this finger."
Clarke stilled, her whole body suddenly feeling like it had slowed to a crawl. And that every system was in imminent danger of grinding to a halt.
"What?" She carefully lowered her cup onto the table. "I mean... who are you talking about?"
Echo frowned, her eyes narrowing at Clarke.
"What do you mean who? You know I've been seeing Bellamy."
"Oh," Clarke's heart began to pound as Echo's implication fully registered. "So has he, uh," she swallowed heavily, trying hard to keep her wits about her, "said something to make you think that?"
"A woman just knows," Echo assured her confidently. "I've been so super busy that we've barely been able to connect for the past couple of weeks. But he's called so many times that I know he misses me as much as I've missed him. But I had my last final yesterday, and tonight we're finally gonna get to spend some quality time together."
Clarke felt the bile rising in her throat when Echo's smile became a smirk.
"But still... how can you be so sure?" She couldn't seem to keep herself from asking the question.
Echo dismissed Clarke's query with a wave of her hand.
"Look, Clarke, I know you think you're the expert on Bellamy because you're his...uh 'best friend'." Clarke could practically hear the air quotes in her tone. "But I'm his girlfriend. So I think I know what's going on with us better than you. Besides," she added with a shrug, "he keeps talking about how much I'm gonna love his Christmas present. And really, after a whole year, what else could that mean? Not that I'm expecting anything too fancy. He's only a teacher. But no matter what, I know my family's gonna love him..."
Echo rattled on, but Clarke was no longer listening. She rose on wooden legs, carefully carrying her cup to the sink and rinsing it out, struggling to regain her composure. Only then did she turn back towards Echo.
"Merry Christmas, Echo," Clarke said, feeling as though she might throw up at any moment. "I hope that... everything works out for you."
"Oh, it will," Echo said breezily, her expression of smug self-satisfaction following Clarke out the door.
Clarke forced herself not to think about Echo's words for the rest of the school day. Not to speculate on them as she drove back to her apartment. And not to wonder if they could possibly be true as she hurriedly packed for her trip to her parents' house.
Not to consider them at all, in fact, as she drove the few hours that were required to take her "home for the holidays."
But when her mother took one look at her and immediately asked, "Clarke, what's wrong?", it was all she could do not to burst into tears.
Later, in the quiet comfort of her childhood room, she finally let the tears come, looking for some relief from the empty achy feeling that had clung to her like a burr for nearly twelve hours. She glanced once again at her phone, but there were no messages from Bellamy. She told herself that if he'd really broken it off with Echo, surely he'd have let her know by now.
Only then did she force herself to consider the very real possibility - perhaps even the probability - that the situation was exactly as Echo had described. That Bellamy had taken Clarke's words to heart, had reconsidered, and that he and Echo were even now engaged.
Clarke turned off her phone, because suddenly she just didn't want to know.
XXXXXXXXXX
It took Clarke the entire Christmas break to sort it all through in her head. The feelings... and the disappointment. And when she was done, she was resolved that she would be clear-headed enough to calmly accept the inevitable.
It was, after all, the right time of year for resolutions.
And she would damn well succeed in getting over her feelings for Bellamy.
She would.