Hey guys :) Thank you so so so much for the reviews. It's so helpful to hear what you like/want to see happen in them and I really do enjoy reading the reviews a lot. They kind of make my day I smile so much when I open the emails. I tried something a little different with this chapter, I've been PMing with a reader who has come up with some really great ideas for future chapters and she has actually co wrote this one with me. If this works out and you like her style she says shes happy to continue to help me and this means ill probably be able to get chapters out quicker, twice a week instead of once every 8 days or so. She's called Leanne (her ff name is Evie1989) and she wrote the second half of this. So please be nice in your reviews but also please let me know if the dynamic/flow of the story is still okay, because I don't want to compromise quality for the sake of getting chapters out faster. Whew, that was a long a/n. Anyway thank you so much for your continued support of this story, it means a lot that you are still reading it! Here's chapter 15. Lily x
Nick was met with 4 worried faces as he walked into the squad room and it was immediately clear that the source of their concern was the missing blonde he had just been up on the roof with.
"Amanda's fine," he said quickly, wanting to allay their fears, "she's up on the roof,"
"The roof?" Fin asked, the concern on his face increasing not dissipating and Nick realised his mistake.
"She's fine she's just getting some air. I think she just needs some time," Nick explained, hoping that his worries team members would trust him and not go running up to the roof to check on Amanda.
"You sure she's okay?" Olivia asked, raising an eyebrow. The last time Nick and Amanda had talked it had been less than civil.
"I'm sure, just give her some space," Nick said. He could tell that they weren't entirely convinced, Olivia especially.
"If she's not down in half an hour Liv go and check on her," Cragen said, acting as the voice of reason, "she's had a tough morning and Nick's right it doesn't hurt to give her a bit of space.
Fin and Olivia both nodded their agreement at the captain and then turned to Alex.
"We have enough to hold him now if you two want to start the interrogation, the sooner the better," Alex said, pointing to Nick and then Fin, "sorry," she added quickly when she saw all three men giving her a quizzical look, "didn't mean to start giving out orders, I just really want this guy,"
"We all do Alex," Fin gave her a reassuring smile "we got it."
Cragen excused himself to go back to his office, leaving Alex and Olivia standing awkwardly in the middle of the squad room. Neither woman seemed to want to speak first but Olivia finally broke the silence, knowing she had to at least try and work normally with the blonde.
"I need to talk to you," Olivia said simply.
Alex bit her lip, somewhat surprised by the words that came out of Olivia's mouth, "I really should watch the interrogation Olivia, this is going to be a hard case,"
Olivia. It stung that the blonde had already reverted to using her full name but at the same time she knew she deserved it.
"It's about the case," Olivia added quickly. She needed to let Alex know about all of the complicating factors before they got dragged out by the defense.
"Come on," Alex relented, walking over to the observation room, waving Olivia over when the brunette didn't move straight away.
"This guy is a shark," Alex muttered as she watched the defense lawyer turn around every question that Fin and Nick were posing to his client. She sighed, then turned slightly so she could both see Olivia and keep an eye on what was happening in the room.
"About the case," Alex prompted. She knew she was being overly harsh with the brunette detective but she couldn't afford to have personal drama overshadowing her thoughts right now. She wanted her focus on the case 100%.
"When the defense go digging for dirt, they're going to find out about Amanda's gambling problem," Olivia started, figuring that it was best to start with what Alex had probably already seen in the case file.
"I know, they'll try and muddy her credibility, they'll use that and the level of alcohol in her blood to try and cast reasonable doubt but I think with her description, the injuries she sustained and pending a DNA match we'll be able to negate anything too bad," Alex explained, "and I got a judge to sign off on a search warrant for his house, if we find that belt buckle she described that's another win for us."
Alex paused and regarded her colleague with interest. Despite their current difficulties she knew how to read Olivia and it was obvious to her that she was holding something back.
"What else Olivia?" she asked, realising that it must be something that was currently omitted from the case files.
"There's a complicating factor, I don't know if you'll be able to use the rape shield law to exclude it, but the defense will find it and try to exploit it,"
"What is it?" Alex asked, frustration evident in her voice. It wasn't like Olivia to be so evasive, especially not when working on a case.
"It's not my place to say," Olivia cringed, feeling bad for bringing it up but be being able to fully explain it. But she had to keep her word to Amanda if she wanted to keep earning the blonde's trust, "ask Cragen for her personnel file and read over it, but Alex you need to talk to her as well, listen to her side on the story," Olivia explained.
Alex's brow crinkled in confusion at Olivia's cryptic instructions but heeded them anyway. She wouldn't have brought it up unless it was important.
"I can't listen to much more of this," Olivia said, a disgusted look on her face as she gazed through the one way glass, "I'm gonna go and check on Amanda."
The brunette turned to leave when she felt a gentle pull on her shoulder and she brought her head around to meet Alex's gaze, which was slightly softer than before.
"Thanks for the heads up," Alex said, a trace of a smile ghosting her lips.
"Sure," Olivia said with a small shrug of her shoulders.
"Look Liv, when this all calms down a bit, we should talk," Alex offered quietly.
"Yeah, maybe," was Olivia's hurried reply as she quickly made her way out of the corridor that was rapidly feeling too small for the both of them and as she turned the corner she could have sworn she heard the blonde sigh.
Pushing aside all thoughts of her personal drama; Alex Cabot always had a way of turning her upside down with one glance, one word, Olivia relished the relative openness of the bullpen in comparison to the tiny corridor she had just been in. She took a moment to gather her thoughts and check her phone. 3 messages from Brian. She started tapping out a reply before she changed her mind and only feeling slightly guilty, slipped the phone back into her pocket. Surely he would understand that her priority was Amanda. He'd worked special victims too, he knew how it was.
She made her way to the elevators, intending to go up to the roof to check on Amanda when she bumped into the blonde detective standing awkwardly just outside the entrance to the squad room. Olivia knew why she hadn't come in, the way her brown was furrowed showed the fear the other woman was feeling. She was afraid of seeing her attacker again and Olivia didn't blame her one bit.
"Hey you, I was just coming to see if you were alright," Olivia smiled
"I'm okay, I just, I needed some air," Amanda explained, " I'm sorry if I worried you,"
"It's alright Nick told us where you were," Olivia reassured her. There was no point in letting Amanda know that they were worried, she'd only use it to lay more guilt upon herself.
"Olivia could you, uh," Amanda started, shrugging Nick's jacket off of her shoulder and handing it to Olivia, "can you give that back to Nick please,"
Olivia nodded and too the jacket from Amanda's outstretched hand. Neglecting to tell the blonde that Nick was in fact interrogating her rapist, Olivia hung the jacket on the back of Nick's chair and went back out to Amanda.
"You look a little tired," Olivia said tentatively, "do you want to go home?"
Amanda visibly baulked at the question. She didn't want to go back yet. The thought of staring at the same four walls, the thought of falling asleep and having yet another nightmare was too much.
Seeing Amanda's reaction, Olivia tried another suggestion. "It's a little late for breakfast," she said glancing down at her watch, "but how about we go and get brunch?"
"You don't have to," Amanda mumbled, looking down at her feet.
"I want to, I'm starving and could use some pancakes and bacon and you haven't eaten much these past couple days," Olivia replied, and as if on cue her stomach let out a low gurgling sound.
"Okay," Amanda nodded her agreement.
The walk to Olivia's car had been far more painful than Amanda had envisaged it being. Now the adrenaline rush of earlier had worn off the exertion of her fleeing up to the roof was evident in her already bruised and sore body. She tried her best to hide it from her brunette companion but Amanda was quickly learning that Olivia didn't miss much. And when Olivia had informed her that she'd brought the painkillers with her Amanda was hurting too much to refuse them.
The car ride was spent mostly in silence; with the with exception of the low him of the radio, with Olivia shooting worried glances over at Amanda every time the car went a little too fast. As much as the blonde was trying to be quiet the lack of conversation only served to amplify her pained gasps.
"Sorry," Olivia apologised for the third or fourth time.
"It's alright," Amanda quietly replied, but it didn't stop Olivia wincing every time she drove over a bump.
"Olivia, about this morning," Amanda started, keeping her eyes focused on her lap, "I'm real sorry for snapping at you,"
Olivia shot a reassuring glance over at Amanda before fixing her eyes back on the road, "you don't have to apologise for how you're feeling, you have every right to be angry," the brunette soothed.
"Yeah but I need to apologise for how I'm acting. You've done nothing but help me and I was awful and I need to apologise, so I'm sorry Olivia," Amanda said sincerely. Her time up on the roof had not only given he time to calm down but also to rationalise some things in her head. She knew that she needed to stop pushing so hard against the people who were trying to help her or she'd just end up hurting them like she always did. Amanda didn't want one more thing to feel guilty about on her conscience.
"Apology accepted," Olivia replied. In all honesty she'd already forgotten about Amanda's outburst that morning but she had a feeling the the blonde needed her apology acknowledged.
"I can't promise you it won't happen again," Amanda mumbled quietly as if she were ashamed of her admittance.
"I know," Olivia said softly, "but that's okay,"
Olivia smiled when she saw a parking space right outside the diner she wanted to take Amanda too. She doubted that Amanda had ever been, and it had been a good few months since she'd been herself. In fact she hadn't been since before Lewis. Quickly shaking that unwanted thought out of her head Olivia parked the car, turned to Amanda and smiled.
"This place does the best pancakes, but I'm thinking you're more of a biscuits and gravy kinda girl right?"
Amanda smiled softly, though it didn't reach her eyes, "you got me detective," she replied, grateful for the light tone of Olivia's conversation.
"Amanda," Olivia said, catching the blondes attention as she was reaching for the door handle, "if you wanna talk about what happened this morning, I'm here okay. I'm not going to push you, but I'm here. No judgement,"
"Thanks Olivia," Amanda replied softly.
From Olivia's point of view, the trip to the diner had been a success. The conversation had been light and superficial; the brunette could tell that despite their conversation they'd had in the car, Amanda was still reeling from the events of the morning, but a very public diner was not the place to bring up the topic of nightmares. Despite that, Amanda had eaten more than a couple of bites of something and she was definitely much calmer than she had been in the squad room. Olivia had been hoping that once they'd gotten back to Amanda's apartment that they would be able to talk a bit about Amanda's nightmares and Olivia had prepared herself to be truthful about her own in the hopes that it might help the blonde to realise that she really wasn't alone in that. However Amanda had insisted that Olivia go home for a while and leave Amanda to her own devices.
"Honestly Olivia I'll be okay for a couple of hours, please go home and just relax for a bit," Amanda said, searching in a junk filled drawer for her spare keys, "take these, in case I'm asleep," she offered, holding out the keys for Olivia to take.
The brunette hesitated, from what had happened the last few times Amanda had attempted to sleep she wasn't overly hopeful that the blonde wouldn't have nightmares but she also knew it was important to give Amanda some space if she asked for it. Plus, Olivia thought, she really should go home and at least show her face, maybe spend a bit of time with Brian if he was off duty and as much as she didn't want to admit it, she really did need a break.
"Call if you need me, I'll come straight back," Olivia insisted, taking the offered keys and tucking them safely in her pocket.
"I'll be alright Olivia," Amanda said, nodding her head as if to convince herself as well as Olivia, "you're wiped, you need a break."
Olivia sighed and ran her hand through her hair. She realised it could really do with a wash and suddenly the thought of a long hot soak in her bathtub sounded like the best idea she'd had in forever.
"Alright, but I'll have my phone," Olivia conceded, "I won't be back later than 8," she added, glancing down at her watch. That gave her almost 7 hours.
"Thank you," Amanda called as Olivia reached the door, "for everything."
Olivia smiled softly back at the blonde and nodded her head. "I'll see you a bit later on."
Amanda waited until she was sure Olivia was in the elevator before she went to put on the deadbolt. It wasn't until she had locked it across the door that she realised that if she did fall asleep Olivia wouldn't be able to get in. Reluctantly she unbolted the door again but checked that the other two locks were secure.
The blonde spent five minutes searching for her phone before she realised it was still in evidence. Cursing, she picked up her rarely used land line phone and dialled the number of Frannie's day care centre. What she really wanted to do was have Frannie back, Amanda was missing the dog terribly but she knew that she just wasn't up to the amount of activity the boisterous animal was used to. After checking up on Frannie, she told the lady on the other end of the phone that she was still being slammed at work and booked a couple more nights of boarding. As she put the phone down Amanda hoped and prayed that she would be well enough in a couple of days time to have Frannie home. She spent the next few hours mindlessly watching shows that she was even slightly interested in an attempt to take her mind off of things but it only helped a little bit. She had retrieved the half empty pack of marlborough lights from her bedroom and found that the nicotine hit helped to soothe her jagged nerves a little more. It was only after her fourth cigarette that Amanda remembered Olivia's reaction to the smell of burning tobacco earlier that morning. Guiltily, the blonde stubbed out the rest and opened a few windows, and hoped that the smell would be gone by the time Olivia got back.
By 7 o clock Amanda had run out of things to do to try and keep her mind busy and as she walked into her bedroom she forced back a yawn. She was so tired, exhausted even but she just couldn't bring herself to climb in the bed and try to sleep. She resolved to take one of the pills out of the small bottle she kept hidden in the back of her bathroom cabinet later that night to help her sleep. Amanda wanted the kind of dreamless sleep that only sleeping pills could bring her and though she had been reluctant to use them before, Amanda had realised in the past couple of days that she would not be able to function very well on the little sleep she was getting.
She stopped suddenly, catching sight of her reflection in the full length mirror she kept in the corner of the room. As she stared into the polished glass she didn't recognised the woman staring back at her. She was pale, too pale and this only served to accentuate the bags under her eyes and the purple bruise that coloured her left cheek. Her hair; normally sleek and shiny, hung around her face in frizzy waves and tangles, evidence of the traumatic shower she had taken earlier.
Amanda reached up and ran her fingers over the bandage that was currently hiding the cut on her cheek. She pulled on an edge of the slightly discoloured plaster that had come loose and peeled it away from her tender flesh. The bandage fell from her fingers, forgotten as Amanda focused on the ugly black stitches that criss-crossed the angry wound. It would leave a scar, she knew it would.
She hadn't looked at herself, not properly since her attack and it was now with some morbid curiosity Amanda unzipped the oversized jacket was wearing and let it slip from her shoulders. Somewhere in the back of her mind was a voice telling her that she just needed to get it over and done with, that she needed to take ownership of what had been done to her, that she'd done it once and she could do it again but as Amanda gazed at the barrage of bruises that mottled her torso she thought that she didn't want to own anything, especially not the ugly patchwork of marks and scratches that covered her body.
She was ugly, repulsive, hideous. Amanda could find no other words to describe her current appearance. She pressed her fingertips against the plethora of dark blue bruises on her ribs and bit her lip against the pain. They served as a visual marker for the cracked bones and bruised muscle underneath. Amanda could count hundreds of unwanted marks on her body, her eyes picked out more and more the longer she studied her reflection. She could almost feel his breath on her neck when she noticed the small round marks peppered along her collarbone and down on to her chest.
Amanda shook her head as she looked at the angry red rings around her wrists, willing herself to forget the way his thick fingers gripped them as she struggled, how the back of her hands had scraped on the rough concrete, leaving her with open grazes on her knuckles. Amanda knew if she turned around and looked over her shoulder she'd find more contusions and scratches on her lower back from where her top had ridden up. She knew there were bruises on her hips, and vicious marks on her thighs but she didn't dare to uncover them too. Amanda began to shake as a mixture of anger and fear and repulsion took hold of her.
Tearing her eyes away from her reflection, Amanda reached across to the dresser and picked up the nearest item she could find and hurled it straight at the mirror. Jagged cracks radiated out from the point at which the perfume bottle that had become Amanda's weapon hit the polished glass, distorting her reflection like a kaleidoscope. The bottle fell to the floor unbroken, but the impact dislodged some of the cracked glass from the mirror littering the floor below with jagged shards.
Amanda just stood and stared at the mess for a moment, anger still coursing through her veins. She was just like that mirror, she mused. Broken, irreparable, incomplete now. She couldn't imagine getting back to how she was before. She just didn't feel strong enough. But Amanda knew she had to at least try and make it seem like she was okay. She couldn't let Olivia come back and see this mess. That would start up another conversation that Amanda didn't want to have. If she could just convince Olivia that she was coping okay, then the brunette wouldn't have to waste her time trying to help. None of the squad would, she wouldn't have to lean on anyone. And that would be one less thing to feel guilty about.
With shaking hands Amanda picked up the discarded jacket and put it back on, then knelt down to attempt to clean up the mess as well as she could. Inevitably there were more slivers of glass on the floor than Amanda had first noticed and as she absentmindedly picked up the sharp shards one of them sliced across her palm.
"Son of a..." Amanda cursed as she dropped the rest of the glass back on to the floor. She brought her palm up and watched as the cut slowly filled with blood. She knew that she should put pressure on the wound but Amanda left her palm open, her gaze fixed on the blood that quickly flowed into the wrinkles and creases of her skin. The pain was sharp, a kind of stinging that was so different to the constant dull aches of the past few days that she welcomed it and allowed it to be at the forefront of her mind. With her eyes closed and her palm still held out on front of her, Amanda didn't notice when the blood eventually started to drip from her hand on to the hardwood floor.
"Manda," Fin called out as he let himself into Amanda's apartment. He felt bad for using the key, but Amanda hadn't answered the door, or her phone and now he was worried.
"Manda it's Fin, Olivia sent me. She's tied up at the precinct for a bit," he explained, raising his voice slightly in case Amanda was in the kitchen or her bedroom. He didn't feel it was necessary to explain to Amanda that they'd had to call Olivia in because they had a victim who refused to talk to anyone but a female detective.
Still getting no reply from his partner he unclipped his gun from his belt and just left his hand resting on it as he searched the living room and kitchen. He tried not to allow himself to worry too much as he listed in his head reasons for why Amanda seemingly wasn't in her apartment. But as he rounded the corner and walked into her bedroom all rational thoughts were pushed out of his mind when he saw Amanda sitting the floor, a small pool of bright red blood in front of her. The last time he'd seen that much blood coming from Amanda was when she had been shot and swallowing his own panic, he ran over to her and knelt down about a foot in front of her.
A quick visual inspection allowed Fin to ascertain that the blood was just coming from her hand, and before he did anything else he retrieved a towel from the bathroom. When he returned, Amanda was still sitting there with her eyes closed. Fin was relieved that she was still sitting up, that meant she was still conscious but it was obvious she was in shock. Fin didn't want to spook her but he knew the priority was to put pressure on her wound so he took her bloody palm in his hands and wrapped the towel around it. Amanda's eyes snapped open at the contact and she attempted to snatch her hand away but Fin kept his gentle grip.
"Hey, hey, Manda, it's okay, it's okay," he said softly as two confused blue eyes settled on his face.
"Fin?" she asked quietly. Amanda hadn't been expecting Fin and she didn't even have a clue how much time had passed between her attempting to clean up the broken glass and the arrival of her partner.
"Olivia sent me, she's busy at the precinct right now," he explained and Amanda nodded uncertainly. "What happened?" he asked gently, his eyes flicking up to the shattered mirror.
"Got in a bit of a disagreement with the mirror," Amanda said weakly, looking over at the shattered glass herself
"I can see that," Fin said, "mirror won huh? Let's have a look at this."
Fin hesitantly unwrapped the once-white towel from around Amanda's hand and before he even got to the cut he realised that it was going to need stitches. The towel had not helped to stem the bleeding, it had just soaked it up and stopped anymore from dripping on to the floor.
"That's gonna need stitches," Fin told Amanda as he rewrapped the towel round her hand, "I'll take you to the ER."
"No!" Amanda refused, her body tensing at the mention of going to the hospital. The last place she wanted to be was the ER, reliving the horrible events of the other night, "it'll be fine it's not deep," she said, anything to try and convince Fin that she didn't need to go.
"Rollins look at your floor," Fin commanded, though he kept his voice soft. He was no stranger to showing Amanda a bit of tough love, and he was always honest with her. Honest and fair.
Amanda's jaw dropped slightly as her eyes focused on the shiny red pool below her. She was used to blood and she saw it all the time but she was a bit shocked at just how much had come from one cut.
"Oh," was all she could muster as a reply.
"If I let you bleed out here Olivia will kick my ass and I don't want that," Fin quipped and he was encouraged to see a tiny smile cross Amanda's face. The Rollins he knew was still in there, somewhere. "Let's go and get this taken care of, it won't take long."
Fin studied his partners face, the apprehension clouding her features was clear as day despite the weak smile she had held in place and he hated seeing her so unsure and so worried.
"I'll stay with ya the whole time," he offered sincerely and Amanda raised an eyebrow in response.
"You hate needles, even when they're being used on somebody else," Amanda pointed out. Fin's fear of needles had come to light when the both of them had gotten scratched by rusty barbed wire when chasing a perp and had needed tetanus shots. Amanda had taken great pleasure in seeing her big, tough partner baulk at the tiny needle.
"You're my partner Amanda, I told you, I'm here for you, even if I have to watch you get stitches," he cringed slightly as the thought entered his mind.
Amanda allowed Fin to help her up, and as she leaned on his outstretched arm she realised how dizzy she was. What would have happened had Fin not come in, or if Olivia had just come later? Amanda liked to think that she would have realised just how serious the cut was before it had become too dangerous but it scared her when it dawned on her that she probably wouldn't have.
"Let's get going," Fin said, his voice severing Amanda from her thoughts back into the present.
Please review and let me know what you think! A couple of you have mentioned about Olivia's reaction to all of this and this is also something that Leanne and I have been speaking about via PM and it's an important issue that will be addressed in the coming chapters (because after all, you can only be strong for so long before you break or need someone to be there for you!)