Hey guys, I'm so sorry about the wait. I've been in hospital again so this took a bit longer than I expected to get uploaded. I'm okay now though so that's good! I just want to take a minute to thank you all for your lovely reviews. They really do inspire me (and no my co-author) to write more and keep you guys interested. A lot of you were asking for some more Liv/Amanda friendship stuff so this is very heavy on that also I just want to say that this story will always be focused on Amanda, what I mean by Liv struggling is, it's only normal that after what she has been through she will at some point find it a bit hard with what Amanda is struggling with. It will only ever be a side plot to Amanda's struggle and recovery :) Hope you enjoy this super long chapter!

Knowing that it would be better for Amanda not to have to wait in a busy ER, Fin had flashed his badge and managed to get a nurse to promise that Amanda would be seen quickly. The nurse pointed them towards an exam room and the blonde froze as she realised it was the same room that she had been in the other night.

"I can't go in there," Amanda said, shaking her head furiously. The nurse shot a glance over at Fin and shook her head.

"That's the only exam room we have free right now," the nurse called, and Fin put his hand up to signal that he would deal with it.

"Manda it's okay," he spoke quietly, trying to calm the panicking woman in front of him. Amanda was rooted to the spot, and Fin knew better than to try and move her against her will.

"Fin we need to go, I need to leave, please, please can we go," Amanda's words came quickly tumbling out of her mouth, panicked breaths punctuating her sentences.

"Amanda," Fin said softly but firmly, keeping a good distance away from his partner. He began to wish he'd called Olivia to come with them to the hospital. She had always been better at calming people down than he was. Still he was Amanda's partner; he'd said that he would be there for her so he had to try.

"Rollins," he called her by her last name, like he had when he'd found her in the bedroom. He eyes focused on him momentarily, and he knew he had caught her attention, even if only briefly, "you need to get your hand looked at, the sooner we do that, the sooner we can leave alright? I'm not gonna leave you Amanda, I'll be with you the whole time," Fin reasoned, hoping that he could talk Amanda down from her heightened state of anxiety.

But the blonde just shook her head again, "not in there!" Amanda shouted, and her raised voice caught the attention of the nurse at the desk, as well as a few other people in the vicinity.

"What seems to be the problem?" a doctor in her mid 30's tapped Fin on the arm to ask what the commotion was about. "Detective… Tutuola?" she guessed as she searched her memory for a name to the familiar face.

"Not in there," Amanda repeated, and the doctor turned to look at the blonde. She realised she recognised the dishevelled woman as a patient she'd treated a couple of nights before. Noticing the bloody towel wrapped around her hand and the vacant exam room Amanda seemed to be staring at the doctor realised why Amanda was reluctant to go in there. Before Fin had a chance to speak, the doctor; identified by her name badge as Dr. Lauren Lasky, focused all of her attention on Amanda.

"Amanda," she said softly, "we're not gonna go into that exam room okay, but will you let me take a look at your hand if we go somewhere else?" Lauren asked gently, aware that Amanda had not been very receptive to her the other night.

Amanda took a deep shuddering breath and blew it out slowly. She was comforted by Lauren's insistence that she wouldn't have to go into the exam room but she shot a worried look to Fin, afraid that she would have in go on her own.

"It's okay Manda I'm coming with you," Fin was quick to reassure her.

"Alright, when you're ready, I'll be setting up in curtain 3, just down the hall to your right," Lauren smiled, nodding slightly.

"O-okay," Amanda agreed. She turned to Fin as Lauren looked away. Her cheeks were flushed slightly red and she gave him a sheepish look. "I'm so sorry Fin," she apologised. Her voice was less shaky now, but there was no ignoring the fact that panic was still coursing throughout Amanda's body. She held herself stiffly, her breath still coming in short gasps.

"Come here," Fin said softly, tentatively wrapping his arm around Amanda's shoulder. He breathed a small sigh of relief when she leaned into him, grateful for the support. "I gotcha baby girl, it's okay," he soothed as they made their way slowly down the corridor.

Olivia got to her feet as she heard the shuffle of footsteps and the jangling of keys. She had received a text from Fin explaining that he had taken Amanda to the hospital but that they would be done quickly and it would be better for Olivia to wait at Amanda's apartment. Olivia sighed; she couldn't shake the guilty feeling that had taken over her. If she'd just come back earlier herself, if she'd just never left, would Amanda still have injured herself? Her heart dropped as the pair came into view. Fin had a deep frown on his face and he had his arm wrapped tightly around Amanda, who was staring at the floor, her hair falling and covering her face. It seemed to be taking the blonde an inordinate amount of effort to just put one foot in front of the other.

"What happened?" Olivia asked, her voice laced with concern. Amanda didn't fuss or acknowledge Olivia as her arm replaced Fin's as he dug for the keys in his pocket.

"She was off before we got to the hospital, but she just needed stitches and I thought she'd be okay. She started freaking out but one of the ER docs managed to calm her down, halfway through getting her stitches she just went quiet and she's been like this ever since," Fin explained as he helped Olivia to manoeuvre Amanda inside the apartment.

Olivia frowned. That was exactly like what had happened this morning. Amanda had completely shut herself off from her surroundings.

"Amanda, honey," Olivia said quietly, "do you want to go to your bedroom or is the couch okay?"

She got no reply from the blonde but Fin shook his head, "there's glass all over the floor, broken mirror."

"Couch it is then," Olivia said, and they sat Amanda down. She didn't say anything but Amanda immediately curled up and turned away from Fin and Olivia, in a position the brunette knew wouldn't be comfortable for long but she stopped herself from saying so out loud.

"I'm worried about her Olivia," Fin said, lowering his voice so his partner couldn't hear, "when I came in she was just sitting there with blood dripping from her hand,"

"You think she did this on purpose?" Olivia asked worriedly, flashing a glance over at the silent woman on the couch.

"Nah, no I don't think she cut herself on purpose, she was cleaning up the glass she broke. I just, I think she didn't realise how bad it was, she was in some sort of trance or something, kind of like now,"

Olivia blew out a long breath of air. To an outsider, even with the recent trauma she had undergone, Amanda's reaction seemed extreme. It was only because Olivia knew more about Amanda's past that she could understand why Amanda was reacting the way she was. But she couldn't very well bring up Amanda's past assault to Fin, even to placate his worry. She knew he would find out sooner or later but she knew she couldn't break Amanda's trust.

"It could be a delayed shock reaction, we've seen it a few times," Olivia explained, "and she has barely slept, she's exhausted. I think her body just needs to rest."

Fin narrowed his eyes at Olivia. He was very perceptive, and he could see that she was holding something back. But he also knew that Olivia wouldn't withhold information unless it was important.

"Are you gonna be okay here?" he asked. As much as he was worried about his partner, Fin knew that she was better off in Olivia's care.

"Yeah I'm good, I'm going to stay again tonight, see if she'll get some sleep," Olivia said. Before this had even happened she had been planning to spend the night anyway so she wouldn't have to tell Brian anything different.

"Do you want me to clean up the glass before I go?"

"No I got it, it's okay," Olivia waved his offer away "thanks Fin," she said as she walked him to the door.

"Let her know we're all here for her yeah?" Fin said, the compassion for his partner clear in his eyes.

"I will, and I'll keep you updated," Olivia nodded as she have a small wave and shit and locked the door.

She glanced back at Amanda, who hadn't moved at all from the position she'd last been in. Olivia decided to clean up the bedroom first and then tackle the issue of trying to get Amanda to talk. Because now, Olivia realised, that was the one thing Amanda desperately needed to do.

After a quick search in Amanda's kitchen cupboards, Olivia found a dustpan and brush, paper towels and antibacterial spray. The size of the pool of blood that she saw when she entered Amanda's room shocked her slightly, and she thanked whoever was listening that Fin had turned up in time.

She made quick work of the glass, sweeping up all of the tiny shards that had scattered across the floor. Then she soaked up the majority of the blood before washing the rest away. She wasn't sure what to do with the pieces of glass so she dumped them in an old cardboard box she found in the recycling pile and vowed to deal with it later. The blood soaked paper towels she threw in the garbage, grateful for them to be out of her sight.

Almost as an afterthought before she left the kitchen, Olivia got two painkillers and then made a cup of tea for Amanda and sweetened it. If the blonde was in shock like Olivia expected she was, it would help her to come out of it.

Amanda's back was still turned to Olivia as she placed the hot mug on the coffee table. A quick glance over at Amanda told Olivia that the blonde wasn't asleep, her body was too tense and her eyes screwed too tightly shut.

"Amanda," Olivia started softly, "I know you're not asleep. Can you sit up for me? I made you some tea."

The blonde ignored her, but Olivia didn't miss how Amanda flinched when she laid her hand softly on her shoulder.

"You can't be comfortable all curled up like that, why don't you drink some tea and then you can rest in bed huh?"

Amanda sighed softly, and with considerable effort swung her legs around so she was now sitting on the couch normally. Olivia joined her, sitting sideways on so she got a good look at the blonde. When she handed the mug of tea to Amanda, Olivia was grateful it had had a bit of time to cool down because the warm liquid splashed over the sides as Amanda tried to hold it steady in her one good hand. Amanda still didn't acknowledge Olivia, but she silently sipped the tea and that was good enough for now. Olivia noticed how the blonde deliberately ignored the painkillers she had set on the table and resolved herself to find out once and for all why Amanda was so set on not taking them. But first she had to get through to her.

"How did you hurt your hand?" Olivia asked gently as Amanda drained the last of the tea. She was looking a far more alert and Olivia was glad she'd added the sugar to the beverage.

Amanda shrugged slightly and kept her gaze trained forward. Olivia sighed softly. This was going to be an uphill battle.

"Sweetheart listen to me," Olivia said. She knew it would be easier to just leave Amanda to her own devices but the way she kept retreating into herself wasn't healthy. So Olivia decided to keep pushing, bracing herself for the anger that had come barrelling her way just that morning, "I know you're in a horrible place right now but I promise you it helps to talk about it. You keep it bottled up and it just festers inside you. If you don't want to talk to me, that's absolutely fine Amanda but you need to talk to someone," Olivia insisted. She knew from personal experience just how damaging it was to internalise everything, and she had a sneaking suspicion that that was what Amanda had been doing for a very long time, "I know a couple of good therap…"

"No," Amanda cut her off, shaking her head, "I can't, I can't talk to a stranger."

"Then talk to me. How did you hurt your hand?" Olivia repeated her earlier question. She'd already gotten the basics from Fin but she wanted to find out the motivation behind Amanda breaking the mirror.

Amanda shifted in her seat, sitting up a little straighter. There was a tiny fray on the edge of the blanket that was draped over the sofa arm and Amanda picked at it with her good hand, letting small pieces of thread drop to the floor. "I was cleaning up the glass because I smashed my bedroom mirror," the blonde finally admitted. She couldn't look up and meet Olivia's eyes but she knew the brunette's gaze was fixed on her.

"Why'd you smash the mirror?" Olivia asked tentatively. So far Amanda hadn't reacted in anger but she knew things could change in a second. She watched as Amanda continued to pick a hole in the blanket and fought an urge to take the blonde's hand and hold in between her own. But Olivia knew better than that. The way Amanda was turned slightly away, her muscles tensed warned Olivia away from any physical contact right now.

"I saw myself… the bruises and everything," Amanda whispered, still keeping her attention focused away from Olivia, "I just got so angry, I'm so angry that I let this happen again."

"No, no," Olivia insisted, shaking her head, "Amanda this is not your fault,"

"You keep saying that, but it is. It's my fault I was there; I put myself in that position. It's just like before. It was my crappy choice."

Amanda sounded so defeated and so guilty that is broke Olivia's heart. She had spent the last couple days trying to make the blonde see that what had happened to her was not her fault, but none of it had seemed to work.

"Listen to me…" Olivia reasoned. She put her hand gently on Amanda's shoulder in what she hoped was a comforting gesture but Amanda twisted away from Olivia's touch. She jumped up from the sofa so quickly that it caused her to double over in pain but she still backed away when Olivia instinctively reached out to make sure she didn't fall.

"Listen to me," Olivia held up her hand in an attempt to stop Amanda from cutting her off, "if our situations were reversed, right now, if I had been at that bar, if I was blaming myself, what would you say to me?"

Amanda cringed at the thought. A million things rushed through her brain at Olivia's words. Olivia wouldn't have been at the bar in the first place, Olivia wouldn't have been so drunk, Olivia wouldn't have been more aware of the danger. Olivia was asking her to compare them, when as far as Amanda was concerned, she wasn't even half the person Olivia was.

"Answer the question," Olivia prompted, softening her voice a little. The whole point of this was to get Amanda to open up, not push her away.

"You wouldn't let that happen," Amanda said quietly, shaking her head, her hair falling like a curtain so it covered her face.

Olivia sighed and got up off the sofa to stand a little closer to Amanda. Tentatively she reached up and brushed back Amanda's hair, revealing downcast eyes that still wouldn't meet her own. The blonde tensed a little at the contact but didn't refuse it entirely and Olivia knew she was finally getting somewhere.

"That's not what I asked," Olivia said quietly, gently trying to coax the answer out of Amanda that she knew the blonde needed to say out loud, "if it was me, would it be my fault?"

After a silence that seemed to stretch on for minutes, Amanda finally shook her head, and the 'no' she whispered was almost too quiet for Olivia to be able to hear it.

"So why are you adamant that it's yours?" Olivia asked, and she saw Amanda flinch at the question.

"Because," Amanda whispered, closing her eyes against the tears that were threatening to fall, "because when the charges are dropped or he walks, that's what everyone is going to think anyway. I might as well beat them to it,"

Suddenly the pieces fell into place for Olivia. Amanda had already been severely let down once by people she was supposed to trust, and she knew that the blonde was already feeling guilty for that as well as for being in the casino in the first place. And now Amanda was terrified that the man who had attacked her would walk free, leaving another black mark against her name.

"This isn't Atlanta," Olivia insisted, "I won't let this get pushed under a rug, none of us are gonna let that happen. We're all on your side Amanda."

"Why?" Amanda whispered, wrapping her arms around herself.

"Why are we on your side?" Olivia asked incredulously. She'd had no idea just how deep the blonde's insecurities ran. "Honey we're on your side because we care about you, a lot. And I'm not just speaking for myself. Fin, he's hurting so badly for you right now and Nick just wants to get this bastard locked up as soon as possible. We're not going anywhere and we're not giving up. Okay?" Olivia blinked back her own tears as she spoke.

"I'm just so afraid," Amanda admitted, a few more tears spilling from her eyes, "I just…I…" Amanda's eyes snapped open as a wave of nausea overcame her. The sweet tea coupled with the rich brunch had been more than the blonde had eaten in a couple of days and that paired with the rollercoaster of emotions had upset her stomach, She swallowed once, hoping that the action would alleviate the sick feeling but as soon as it was gone it reappeared again with a greater urgency. Amanda turned and ran to the bathroom as fast as she could, leaving Olivia standing alone in the living room.

The sound of the bathroom door slamming and Amanda vomiting caused Olivia to snap into action. She quickly filled a glass with cold water before she went to the bathroom, giving a courtesy knock before she went in.

"Amanda are you okay?" Olivia asked as she stepped into the room. As soon as Olivia saw the state of the blonde she knew she would be in no fit state to answer. Amanda was bent over the toilet bowl retching, gripping the sides of the toilet so tight her knuckles were turning white. Olivia could tell from how much Amanda was shaking that this wasn't good, she'd had enough broken ribs in her time to know how excruciating it was to vomit while they weren't healed.

Knowing there wasn't much she could do until Amanda had stopped being sick, Olivia put the glass to the side then tied up Amanda's hair with a tie she'd found on the corner of the sink. Rooting around she quickly found two washcloths and soaked them in cold water. Leaving one on the sink Olivia pressed one to the back of Amanda's neck, earning an incoherent mumble from the blonde in reply.

Finally, there was nothing left in Amanda's stomach to come up, and she straightened slightly in an attempt to get her head out of the toilet bowl. The absolute agony the simple action caused made her cry out and she couldn't even bring herself to loosen her grip to reach up to flush the toilet. Olivia though was prepared and she coaxed Amanda's fingers out of the way just enough so she could close the toilet lid and pull the flush. After that was taken care of, Olivia got the second washcloth and gently washed Amanda's face, despite the blonde's weak protests.

"Liv…go…please," Amanda managed to say between pained breaths.

"Not a chance," Olivia said gently, "I know how horrible this is and you need some help. You need to straighten up okay,"

"No…can't," Amanda refused with a furious shake of her head. She was already in so much pain, she didn't want to move an inch. Every breath she took felt like her lungs were on fire.

"If you stay bent over like that your muscles will seize up and the pain will be worse," Olivia warned, "trust me, I've been there,"

Amanda shook her head again and Olivia could tell that the blonde was beginning to panic; each breath she took seemed shorter and more laboured. Olivia didn't want Amanda to have a full blown panic attack, so she did the only thing she could think of. She repositioned herself so she was behind Amanda and then reached around to prise her fingers from where they were still gripping the toilet.

"I'm going to help you, okay, lean on me," Olivia instructed, coaxing, but not pulling Amanda back from her hunched over position. Olivia did her best to ignore the pained cries of Amanda as she helped the blonde to straighten up, she knew in the end that it would be better for her in the long run.

"Ssshh. Okay, it's okay, I've got you, ssshh" Olivia soothed as Amanda all but collapsed against her, sobbing in pain from the overexertion of her broken ribs. Knowing there was no way she was going to be able to get Amanda off of the floor yet, Olivia wrapped one arm around Amanda, lightly supporting her ribs as the blonde struggled to catch her breath.

"Slow down alright, try and slow down your breathing," Olivia coaxed, to which she was met with a pained whimper, "I know, I know it hurts, I'm sorry honey, I'm sorry." Olivia comforted the shaking woman as best as she was able. There wasn't much she could do but wait until Amanda had calmed down.

"Just try and relax Amanda, that's it sweetheart, slow breaths, okay? Slow breaths."

Amanda tried her best to concentrate on Olivia voice as she tried to calm down. Her lungs were screaming for oxygen and each breath caused her almost unbearable pain but somehow she managed to push through, concentrating on Olivia's soothing words. It wasn't until a good fifteen minutes later than Amanda realised she had grabbed on to Olivia's free hand and had been holding it tightly. Amanda released her grip on Olivia's hand, not quite letting it go completely and she felt Olivia flex her fingers slightly, grateful for the reprieve.

"I'm sorry," Amanda mumbled, "I'm so sorry." She hung her head in embarrassment, grateful that Olivia was behind her and couldn't see the blush that had bloomed across her face. She felt pretty pathetic, that she couldn't even vomit without help now.

"It's okay," Olivia said quietly, and Amanda was surprised that the tone of Olivia's voice alone helped to settle a bit of her anxiety over the incident, "throwing up when you have broken ribs is awful,"

"Yeah," Amanda agreed, her voice hoarse from the vomiting and the crying. Luckily Olivia had left the glass within easy reach and she passed it to Amanda, who took the tiniest of sips to soothe her sore throat. She was thirsty but Amanda didn't dare drink any more in case she had to throw up again, and that was an experience she never wanted to relive.

"How are you feeling?" Olivia asked.

"Like a truck ran over me…but better…than before. I…thanks Olivia," Amanda stumbled over her words as she thanked the brunette, for what seemed like the millionth time in just a few days.

"You don't have to keep thanking me, I'm just being your friend," Olivia said sincerely, "are you still feeling sick?"

Amanda shook her head, "no, just sore," she replied, but Olivia, in a very motherly fashion, reached up and pressed the back of her palm against Amanda's forehead to check if she had a fever.

"You don't feel too warm," Olivia mused, "you wanna try and get up?" she asked. Not that she minded sitting on the floor if Amanda needed her too but if the blonde was able to get up then Olivia would much prefer sitting on an actual chair.

"Yeah," Amanda said. She was really feeling a lot better, despite the residing soreness in her chest. She could feel that her face was sticky with tears and she really wanted a shower. She noticed her hair had been tied up but she wasn't sure if Olivia had done that in time.

Olivia got up first, taking a moment to stretch out her legs before contemplating how best to help Amanda up without causing her any more pain.

"Put your arms on my shoulders and we'll go up slow okay," Olivia said, crouching back down to Amanda's level. The blonde closed her eyes in embarrassment as Olivia helped her up but she knew she wouldn't have gotten up on her own without causing herself more pain.

"Do you want me to get you some clean clothes while you freshen up?" Olivia asked, and Amanda almost refused the help until she realised that all she wanted to do was just get into a hot shower so she nodded.

"Be careful with your stitches," Olivia warned softly, pointing to the fresh bandage that covered Amanda's palm. The ones in her cheek would not be so susceptible now but that last thing Olivia wanted was another trip to the emergency room, "you sure you're alright?"

"I'm okay," Amanda nodded, and she hoped Olivia didn't notice how much her legs were shaking.

"Just shout if you don't feel well, and don't have the water too hot," Olivia said, and she cringed at how patronising she sounded. She didn't mean to be, she was just worried about Amanda.

"Okay," Amanda agreed as she watched Olivia walk out of the bathroom and close the door.

Amanda walked gingerly over to the bathtub and started the shower running. Her whole body had started to ache, not just her chest, but she put that down to how tense she'd been when she was throwing up. She undressed and after a small struggle, stepped into the bathtub and under the hot stream of water. Heeding Olivia's warning she kept her bandaged hand as far out of the water as possible and just stood there letting the warmth roll over her body. The heat from the water was incredibly soothing on her aching muscles and she felt herself begin to relax.

She heard Olivia knock and say she was leaving the fresh clothes on the toilet and thanked her from above the roar of the shower. It was quite difficult to wash her hair with only one hand but Amanda managed it well enough and it was only when the water started to turn cold that she shut it off and finally emerged into the steam filled bathroom. Amanda felt a lot calmer than before, and she didn't know if it was her talk with Olivia, or the shower (she had a feeling it was a mixture of both) and she got dressed quickly, making the most of the water's pain soothing effect before it wore off.

Amanda emerged from the bathroom to find Olivia watching CSI. "You know that's all crap don't you?" she quipped as she sat herself down carefully on the sofa. Despite the brief reprieve the hot water had given her the pain in her ribs was quickly coming back with a vengeance.

"Believe it or not it was the best choice out of a lot of bad ones," Olivia replied. One look at the blonde immediately told her she was more relaxed and Olivia felt bad for what she was about to do, but it was an issue that needed to be addressed, especially with what had happened that evening.

Amanda didn't fail to notice the look on Olivia's face as the brunette turned, moving her gaze from the television on to Amanda.

"Liv what is it?" she asked worriedly.

"I know you're probably tired, and it seems like I'm getting on your back about a lot of stuff, but I need you to tell me why you won't take your painkillers," Olivia explained. She decided to rip the band aid off all at once, instead of dragging it out.

Amanda's stomach dropped at the question. She knew that it would come up sooner or later; she just hadn't been expecting it right now.

"I…" Amanda hesitated, "I told you why," she said, knowing that the answer wouldn't satisfy Olivia.

"'I don't want to get used to them' is not a reason Amanda," Olivia said softly. There was not a trace of anger in her voice, but the tone of seriousness was not lost on Amanda, "you had the same painkillers last year when you got shot and as far as I know you didn't have a problem with them?"

"Can we just not talk about this, please," Amanda pleaded, but she could see from the look in Olivia's eye that she wasn't going to give this up.

Olivia sighed, "If you'd been taking your painkillers properly, you would have been in a lot less pain just now,"

"I know," Amanda whispered. She knew Olivia was right. But talking about this could open up an avenue she wasn't remotely ready to talk about yet.

"Then why are you letting yourself suffer? It was horrible, having to watch you in pain and being able to do nothing about it," Olivia said truthfully.

Amanda let out a long breath. They were just going to go round and round in circles if Amanda didn't at least try to explain herself.

"When I take them, I sleep," Amanda said, and Olivia narrowed her eyes in confusion. That wasn't really and explanation.

"But you need to sleep to let your body heal, that's a good thing."

Shaking her head, Amanda continued, "They take away the pain just enough so I can sleep, and when I sleep I have nightmares. So then I'll take three instead of two because then they sort of knock me out, but then 3 isn't enough so I'll take four," Amanda explained, "and it just goes on and on like that, Liv, I don't wanna go there again," the blonde sighed.

"But what's the alternative? Stay awake until you physically can't anymore? Amanda," Olivia sighed, "that's not healthy."

"None of my coping methods are healthy," Amanda shrugged.

"You're not doing this on your own anymore; you can change that, if you want to. I can help you regulate your doses, and as much as I wish I could, I can't stop your nightmares, but I can be there when you wake up,"

Amanda bit her lip. She could see and hear the sincerity of Olivia's offer, she could feel how much the brunette wanted to help her, but it wasn't just a case of having someone to comfort her after a bad nightmare. She couldn't tell Olivia about the other nightmares she had, and Olivia's attempt to comfort her just that morning had done more harm than good.

"Sometimes…sometimes I just need to be alone, after," Amanda said quietly, trying to explain herself without having to give too much away.

"Like this morning?" Olivia asked gently. She knew better than to press for more details.

"Yeah, I just, it's not predictable,"

"Well that's okay; these things tend not to be predictable. Why don't we just try?" Olivia offered, "I've dealt with my fair share of nightmares Amanda; it's nothing to be ashamed of,"

Amanda closed her eyes and shook her head slightly. If only Olivia knew. But Amanda knew she really had no option but to accept Olivia's offer if she wanted to get away from talking about nightmares right now.

"O-okay," Amanda agreed, "I don't want to take them right away though, can I wait a bit?"

"Absolutely, we'll do it your way okay?" Olivia smiled, glad she had managed to talk some sense in to Amanda.

They watched the remainder of CSI and Olivia managed to coax Amanda to eat a small piece of dry toast. She knew that Amanda was terrified of throwing up again, but it was important that she didn't take her painkillers on an empty stomach. When Olivia noticed Amanda starting to fight sleep she went into the kitchen and made two cups of decaf tea and brought them back out to the living room, along with the correct dose of painkillers.

Amanda felt a wave of panic when she saw them. She didn't want to have another dream like the one she'd had this morning. The scary ones she could handle, she'd rather have anything than relive the involuntary orgasm she'd had during her attack in Atlanta.

"I'm scared," she blurted out, and Olivia was quick to try and allay her fears.

"I know and it's okay to be scared. But you still need to take these, because you need to sleep," Olivia reasoned.

Amanda started to shake her head again but Olivia spoke before the blonde had a chance to refuse.

"I know you're scared, but staying awake isn't going to help you get any better. You're already exhausted and you need to rest. I'm not going anywhere alright? If you wake up and you need me I'll be there, and if you need to be alone then I'll leave you alone. I need for you to trust me on this, can you do that?"

Amanda narrowed her eyes at the pills in Olivia's outstretched hand. The brunette was asking her to trust her. Amanda knew just from the past couple of days that whenever she tried to trust anyone it always backfired. But the sincerity in Olivia's eyes bore into her, and Amanda felt compelled, even worth as awful as she felt right at that moment that she should try again. Silently she took the pills from Olivia and washed them down with the remainder of her cup of tea.

"I'll be right back," Olivia said, as she excused herself from the room to get dressed for bed. When she re-entered the living room just minutes later Amanda shot her a worried look. She couldn't help it; her anxiety levels were sky high.

"Come on, let's go get some sleep," Olivia said, and she waited for Amanda to get up and lead the way to her bedroom.

Olivia was aware that every move Amanda made was fraught with panic. She watched as the blonde checked every window lock, before going back into the hall and double checking that her door was locked. She went to the bathroom twice, anything to delay getting into bed, and when she had run out of things to do, Amanda stood awkwardly by her side of the bed, toying with the comforter.

"Do you want me to sleep in the living room?" Olivia asked softly. She wasn't sure if her presence was helping at the moment.

"No," Amanda quickly answered, "No it's okay,"

"Alright, well I'm going to get in," Olivia said, as she slid between the covers on the opposite side of the bed hoping that it would encourage Amanda to do the same. It seemed to work, because not 2 minutes later Amanda got into bed, whimpering slightly as she struggled to get comfortable. She flicked off the light, bathing the room in darkness and much like the previous night, Olivia could feel the panic rolling off Amanda almost as if in waves.

"Just try and relax honey," Olivia soothed. She slid her hand across the bed and found Amanda's, giving it a gentle squeeze as she took it in her own, "I'm here, you don't have to be afraid right now. Breath with me, nice and slowly,"

Amanda gripped on to Olivia's hand as she tried to mimic the soft and easy the breathing of the brunette. It was working, slowly and as she began to calm down and the painkiller began to work their magic on the pain in her chest, Amanda dared to let herself fall deeper and deeper into the realm of sleep. Little did she know the terrors that awaited her when she finally got there.

In reply to some reviews; just to let you know, Amanda isn't pregnant, I didn't plan on that being the way the story goes (and there are others that are doing a great job of that particular storyline), just in case you were wondering when she got sick. That just because her stomach was upset. Thanks you for reading! Please, please review. Lily and Leanne x