(Title Card: Candlehead and Rancis are shown hiding in a field of tall grass, wearing safari gear.)
NARRATOR: And now it's time for "Silly Songs with Candlehead; the part of the game where Candlehead comes out and sings…a silly song. Today Candlehead and Rancis are on a photo safari, hot on the trail of a monkey. O-or an ape. We don't know which, hence the song.
CANDLEHEAD: If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey
Even if it has a monkey kinda shape
If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey
If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey; it's an ape
If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey
RANCIS: (looking through a camera) Let's see if we can catch it on the tape.
CANDLEHEAD: You can very plainly see if it's a monkey
If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey; it's an ape
(Something swings by very quickly on a vine)
RANCIS: Look, there it goes, there it goes! I don't know, I can't tell if it's a monkey or an ape!
CANDLEHEAD: It's very simple, Rancis.
If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey
If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey; it's an ape
RANCIS: Uh, Candlehead, I'm not so sure…
CANDLEHEAD: Ooga booga, isn't that a monkey?
RANCIS: Booga looga, maybe it's an ape.
CANDLEHEAD: If it's a nickel or a salad or a pillow
If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey; it's an ape!
RANCIS: If it doesn't have a tail…?
CANDLEHEAD: Not a monkey!
RANCIS: Are you sure that's what you really mean to say? A camera has no tail…
CANDLEHEAD: It's not a monkey
If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey it's an ape!
RANCIS: Uh, I think there's something wrong with your logic, Candlehead.
CANDLEHEAD: (looking through binoculars) Well, Rancis, the lady in Zoo Tycoon said it, and who am I to tell her that she's wrong? If there's a tail, it's a monkey. No tail, ape. It's easy!
RANCIS: But Candlehead, a kite has a tail…
CANDLEHEAD: Then it's a monkey!
RANCIS: A comet has a tail…
CANDLEHEAD: It's a monkey!
RANCIS: A bubble doesn't…
CANDLEHEAD: Then it's not a monkey
If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey…
RANCIS: It's an ape?
CANDLEHEAD: Exactly! I knew you'd catch on.
RANCIS: Candlehead, we might need to talk about this. I don't think the lady in Zoo Tycoon meant-
CANDLEHEAD: Shh! (The creature swings overhead again) Look, there it goes, in the trees. Follow me! It's gotta be a monkey or an ape.
(Candlehead parts the tall grass in front of her)
I can't believe it's true, all this time I've searched for you
Snap the picture, take the shot! We're among the lucky few
We finally did it, Photographer, let's discover what we're after
Let me look! (Looks through binoculars) Is it an ape?
RANCIS: Candlehead, this is a disaster.
(Standing in front of the two "adventurers" is a Cow Tale)
CANDLEHEAD: (Gasp) It's a monkey!
(NOT A MONKEY begins flashing underneath the Cow Tale)
RANCIS: Candlehead, that's a Cow Tale, not a-
CANDLEHEAD: That was exhilarating. Let's find more!
(As Candlehead begins to dance and sing again, Rancis throws the camera behind himself in defeat)
If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey
Even if it has a monkey kinda shape
If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey
If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey; it's an ape
NARRATOR: This has been "Silly Songs with Candlehead." Tune in next time to hear Rancis say…
RANCIS: Candlehead, you don't have a tail.
CANDLEHEAD: I don't?
RANCIS: Nope, and neither do I.
CANDLEHEAD: I wouldn't be so sure about that, Rancis.
RANCIS: What do you mean?
CANDLEHEAD: Oh, nothin'.
(As they turn to walk away, a fake lion's tail swishes behind Rancis's back. He turns around, confused, then shrugs as he continues off-screen.)