(Title Card: Candlehead is dressed as a pirate, complete with an eyepatch, bandana…and fake beard.)
NARRATOR: And now it's time for Silly Songs with Candlehead, the part of the game where Candlehead comes out and sings…a silly song. Joining Candlehead are Rancis and Taffyta, altogether make up the infamous gang of scallywags, the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.
ALL: We are the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything
We just stay home and lie around
And if you ask us to do anything
We'll just tell you…
CANDLEHEAD: (Reclining her chair) We don't do anything!
RANCIS: Well, I've never been to Greenland, and I've never been to Denver
And I've never buried treasure in St. Louis or St. Paul
And I've never been to Moscow, and I've never been to Tampa
And I've never been to Boston in the fall
ALL: 'Cause we're the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything
We just stay home and lie around
And if you ask us to do anything
We'll just tell you…
TAFFYTA: (Loudly sips from a coconut) We don't do anything.
And I never hoist the mainstay, and I never swab the poop deck
And I never veer to starboard, 'cause I never sail at all
And I never walk the gangplank and I've never owned a parrot
(A penguin from Ice Climbers wearing fake rainbow feathers drops down)
And I've never been to Boston in the fall
ALL: 'Cause we're the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything
We just stay home and lie around
And if you ask us to do anything
We'll just tell you…
We don't do anything
CANDLEHEAD: Well, I've never plucked a rooster, and I'm not too good at ping-pong
And I've never thrown my mashed potatoes up against the wall
(Taffyta and Rancis look at each other, confused)
And I've never kissed a chipmunk, and I've never gotten head lice
And I've never been to Boston in the fall
RANCIS: Huh? What are you talking about? What's a rooster, and mashed potatoes have to do with being a pirate?!
TAFFYTA: Hey, that's right. We're supposed to sing about pirate-y things.
CANDLEHEAD: Oh.
RANCIS: And who's ever kissed a chipmunk? That's just nonsense! Why even bring it up? Am I right? (To Taffyta) What do you think?
TAFFYTA: I think you look like Cap'n Crunch.
RANCIS: Huh? No, I don't!
TAFFYTA: Do too.
RANCIS: Do not!
TAFFYTA: You're making me hungry.
RANCIS: That's it! You're walking the plank!
TAFFYTA: Says who?
RANCIS: Says the captain, that's who!
TAFFYTA: Oh, yeah? Aye aye, Cap'n Crunch! (Giggles)
RANCIS: ARRRGH!
TAFFYTA: Yikes!
(As Rancis chases Taffyta around the fake pirate ship set, Candlehead resumes the song)
CANDLEHEAD: And I've never licked a spark plug, and I've never sniffed a stink bug
And I've never painted daisies on a big red rubber ball
And I've never bathed in yogurt, and I don't look good in leggings
RANCIS: You just don't get it.
ALL: And we've never been to Boston in the fall.
RANCIS: Pass the chips. Who's got the remote control?
CANDLEHEAD: (Pulls the remote out from under her seat) Here it is!
TAFFYTA: Time for "Geraldo!"
RANCIS: It's definitely time for "Wapner."
TAFFYTA: Oh, I don't like that show.
CANDLEHEAD: Hey, look, I found a quarter!