(Title Card: Candlehead is dressed as a clown, hula hooping and holding a rubber chicken in one hand.)
NARRATOR: And now it's time for "Silly Songs with Candlehead;" the part of the game where Candlehead comes out and sings...a silly song.
(Suddenly, Crumbelina runs out in front of the card.)
CRUMBELINA: Stop! Stop it! The gamers definitely deserve better than this. (She whistles off-screen and a new title card is pushed in front of the old one. In it, Candlehead is wearing fancy clothes, and Classy Songs with Candlehead is written next to her.) And now it is time for "Classy Songs with Candlehead;" the part of the show where Candlehead comes out and sings a classy song.
(A close-up shot of a feather is shown floating down in the intro. Soon, it lands on the brim of a high-silk hat. We zoom out, and it is Candlehead who is wearing the hat. She blows the feather off, and the song begins.)
CRUMBELINA: One day, while she was waiting for the trolley, she had a hat
CANDLEHEAD: My high-silk hat
CRUMBELINA: She wore it high upon her head so proudly; a beautiful hat
CANDLEHEAD: My high-silk hat
CRUMBELINA: A hat like this just makes her feel so grandy, now fancy this and fancy that
The splendor of her hat in all its majesty
CANDLEHEAD: Like a queen in a royal cap!
(Felix walks over and sits on the bench on the far side of Candlehead)
I feel so swell and pretty in my hat
I bet that others wish they had, in fact
(With Crumbelina) A hat as this, a hat as that
A hat so fine, a high silk hat
Oh Mister Fix-It-Felix, now what do you think of that?
(Felix runs to stand behind the bench and stands there sulking for the duration of the song)
CRUMBELINA: Now her hat was not all she wore so proudly
I must in fact share more than that
For upon her lap, there sat the treats so fondly
Of chocolate this
(Candlehead has a small box of chocolates in her lap)
CANDLEHEAD: And chocolate that
CRUMBELINA: Deliciousness that makes her feel so dandy, a chocolate bliss
CANDLEHEAD: A chocolate snack
(Bowser comes to sit on the bench next to her, and lights up once he sees the treats)
CHORUS: Confections such as these are more than candy
Someone might like a box of that
CANDLEHEAD: I have my chocolate placed upon my lap
I feel so good you just cannot top that
I have my snack, a chocolate pack
Of chocolate this and chocolate that
(She thrusts it into Bowser's face mockingly)
Oh, golly Mister Bowser, now what do you think of that?
(Bowser goes to stand next to Felix)
CRUMBELINA: Now time was passing as the sun grew hotter
Upon her hat
CHORUS: And chocolate snack
(At one point from the background, Q*Bert jumps off of the back of a tandem bicycle to watch with everyone else behind the bench)
CRUMBELINA: So beneath her hat, she thought and pondered...
CANDLEHEAD: What should I do to save my hat?
CRUMBELINA: She thought and contemplated as she perspired
Beneath her hat
CHORUS: Upon her lap
CRUMBELINA: She feared her chocolate treats would soon retire
Into a pool
CHORUS: A chocolate vat
CANDLEHEAD: I won't feel grand if I take off my hat
The sun's getting hot and my hat just might go flat
My hat just might go flat and my sweets will melt like that
Oh, hurry Mister Trolley before my dapperness goes splat
CRUMBELINA: She decided to forego her looks, so dashing
To save her hat
Q*BERT: %#$ #$ &$ !&$*! (And little snack!)
CRUMBELINA: So she placed the treats upon the seat beside her
FELIX: And put her hat on top of that!
(Princess Daisy comes to sit across from Candlehead)
CANDLEHEAD: (to Daisy) Oh please (oh please, oh please) Don't anybody
Sit close to me, upon my hat
(To everyone else) I ask if all of you could be so kindly
And just stand back
Away from my snack!
(As she sings, Ralph comes along without her noticing and plops down on the seat with her things on it)
Wreck-it-Ralph just sat upon my hat
Wreck-it-Ralph just squished my hat real flat
He squashed my hat, he made it flat
He squished my snack, oh what of that?
Oh tell me anybody, now what do you think of that?
EVERYONE: Wreck-it-Ralph just sat upon her hat
Great big Wreck-it-Ralph squished her hat real flat
He squashed her hat, he made it flat
He squished her snack, oh what of that
(The trolley pulls up and everyone but Candlehead gets on. It drives off, leaving Candlehead sitting shocked at what just happened. Sour Bill then walks by with a trash can and a dust broom, ready to clean up the mess that was her chocolate)
CANDLEHEAD: Oh, golly...
Uh, what's your name?
SOUR BILL: You don't know my name? I've been part of this game since Day One, and you don't remember my name? (He rolls his eyes and walks off without giving her an answer)
CANDLEHEAD: Now what do you think of that?