"What the hell are you wearing on your shoes? Are those capes for shoelaces?"
The archangel Gabriel looked down at his shoes, God staring down at the odd additions to them. Looking around, She noticed that almost all of the angels were wearing them, getting a 'what the fuck' feeling about them.
"You don't like them?"
"Never mind. Forget I asked. Why am I here, Gabe? I was in the middle of something." God asked, that something being Her binging 'The Witcher' in Her underwear with a good bottle of wine. She looked around at the space that the angels had created for Her. Interior decor was still not Her ethereal children's strong suit.
God knew why She was back in Heaven, but She wanted to hear it. She had invented validation for a reason.
"We desperately need you here, Mother! Things have gone awry, and it all due to a traitorous angel." Gabriel was quick with the accusations, pointing to one of his poor brethren who had a hood over his head.
"Okay, fine. Let's get this over with so I can get back to my vacation." God sighed, stretching in place on Her weird platform throne thing Heaven had constructed for this event, all the choirs converging here. It was blocky and seven shades of ugly, and yet again, another fine example of why angels shouldn't be allowed to decorate anything.
God wore Her human shaped form, an average height body of indeterminate ethnicity. The only unusual thing about it on the outside was that Her hair and eye held every color in creation within them. She was barefoot, wearing old jeans, and a ratty t-shirt that stated that it was five o'clock somewhere, which was a hilarious statement in regard to Her.
"You were taking a break? On Earth, this whole time?" Gabriel asked, sounding incredulous about it. "That's why you were gone?"
"I only created literally everything in existence, but you're right. I should I be running laps, or something." God rolled Her infinite eyes. "Chop, chop, kids. Mamma's got a pottery class to go to."
"Bring forth the traitor!" Gabriel ordered, the offending angel dragged forward to be thrown to his knees before their Creator.
"While I appreciate flairs for the dramatic, was that really necessary?" God said, making a mental note to pop back up into heaven every once and while to check in on the kids. She knew firsthand that one rotten apple could end up spoiling a batch or two.
"We bring before you the Principality Aziraphale so that you may pass your divine judgment over him!" Gabriel said as he yanked off the hood to reveal a very frightened looking angel. "Here's the traitor! Smite him! Make him Fall!"
"Gabe...what in the actual fuck? A Principality? Since when has Aziraphale been a Principality?" God said after a tense moment of looking back and forth between the two angels.
"We demoted him after the whole Garden incident." Gabriel said, still looking too confident for anyone's continued well being, including his own.
"You seriously rebranded one of my creations?! Just because you changed his title doesn't make him a Principality." God pointed out with an exasperated look.
"He failed to protect Eden."
"No. No, he didn't." God sighed, pinching the bridge of Her nose. "He did exactly what he was supposed to do. Where's the other one?"
"What other one?" Gabriel asked, but God had already stopped paying any attention to him. She looked out over the choirs of angels until something caught Her attention in the very far corner of the room.
"Oh, there you are. You remembered a back door or two, didn't you?" God asked Crowley who had been doing his best to lurk while not appearing to do so at all. The demon found himself suddenly standing before God beside Aziraphale. "Did you really try to disguise yourself with a sheet?"
"...Maybe." Crowley said as he hastily took off the sheet he had been using to hide himself under. His imagination was truly a wondrous thing. "Worked until now, didn't it?"
"Why?"
"Well, they might have seen through a disguise if I missed too many details, so I thought I might as well completely cover myself up because no one up here would think to question why."
"Anyone ask?"
"Nope."
"Amazing." God said, shaking Her head. She hadn't found that fine balance of curiosity in the beginning, giving none of it to most, and then in Crowley, an over abundance. She turned Her attention back to the smug archangel.
"Gabe, hun, Aziraphale is a Guardian."
"If we had only known," Gabriel said, clearly delighted by the prospect of further demotion for Aziraphale. Guardian angels were apart of the lowest levels of angels.
"No, not a guardian angel. Guardian class, like one of a kind, an entire choir unto himself. An angel specially made by me for Earth. He could tear you all apart limb from limb without even really trying." God said, "Aziraphale, sweetie, you don't have to be polite. Just take those ropes off, and get up off the floor."
All the archangels' jaws dropped as Aziraphale did just that, the Guardian easily snapping apart his bindings. Crowley rushed over to help the angel stand up, the two clinging to each other as they stared up at Her with scared puppy dog eyes, well, one hopeful puppy and one very frightened snake eyes.
"So what's this all about?" God yawned, ready for a nap as She snapped a glass of wine into being.
"Aziraphale is a traitor," Gabriel started to say, looking like he was going to be very long winded about it.
"No, he's not." God interrupted, "Next!"
"But, but, but..."
"Did I stutter? I don't want to be here all damn day! NEXT!" God said, using Her big voice, the one that shook the foundation of Heaven itself.
"Aziraphale and the demon known as Crowley are responsible for stopping the Apocalypse!" Gabriel said, the archangel starting to look somewhat cowed now.
"Those two averted the Apocalypse?" God managed out before Her voice dissolved into bouts of laughter. God laughed so hard that Her eyes began to tear up as peals of laughter rang through Heaven. She only calmed down when God noticed that everyone present looked rather confused and troubled by this. "Oh crap, you're being serious."
"Yes?"
"I assure you, they didn't."
"But-"
"I have it on the highest Authority which is um, oh yeah, me. Though Aziraphale and Crowley were present for it, it was actually Adam who averted the Apocalypse." God clarified, "The whole thing was cock up from beginning to finish really."
"Told you." Crowley whispered out the side of his mouth at Aziraphale, the angel giving him a very sour side eye back.
"Azirphale fraternizes with his adversary, Crowley. He's been having relations with a demon!" Gabriel wasn't quite down for the count yet. God had taken the wind out of the archangel's sails, but Gabriel was determined to paddle that boat.
"You can say sex. They're having lots and lots sex. Believe me, they let me know about it just about every damn time they do it." God sighed.
"Good lord." Aziraphale gasped, the angel and demon exchanging a small fortune of embarrassed looks between them.
"Yeah, something like that, but usually more vigorously and in multiple repetitions. It's getting to the point now that it's background noise for me, like the whale songs in my hot yoga class."
"You have to punish him!" Gabriel yelled.
"No."
"No?!" Gabriel was being a little slow on the uptake.
"He's baby." God smiled, looking down at Aziraphale and Crowley.
"What?!" said all of the choirs and archangels in unison.
"I mean, look at him! Look at that precious little bow tie, and those precious little curls, and that precious little smile!" God cooed, coming down off of the ridiculous throne the angels had made for Her, little drama queens they were so that She could admire the angel up close.
"I'm baby? What does that mean?" Aziraphale muttered to Crowley as God tousled those precious curls.
"Hush up! Just go with it." Crowley muttered back.
"But it's grammatically wrong!"
"Well, Mom seems to really dig it so let's not be a grammar Nazi about it, and see how this rides out, yes?"
"I'm baby." Aziraphale tried it out, making sure to smile, dimples and all.
"Oh me, this is going on the gram!" God said, getting Her phone out to snap a pic.
"Mother! It's the principle of the matter!"
"Seriously? You really want to go there? I leave heaven for a few millennia and everyone gets lippy with me." God lost the human form to go big, real cosmic big as loomed over Her children.
"We're so fucked." Crowley whimpered, Aziraphale nodding back.
"You're fucking Beelzebub, Micheal was fucking Ligur, who I brought back, you're welcome, babe," God went off, summoning some very confused demons up from Hell, including Ligur, who was pleasantly surprised to be alive again. "Uriel is fucking Dagon, and Sandlephon...how the fuck are you still an angel?"
"I'll see myself out." Sandlephon could be a bit dull at times, but he did have the good sense to leave on his own, all of the demons wishing that they could go with him.
"Yeah, you do that." God glared after him before turning back to the rest.
"So a little pot, kettle there, don't you think, Gabe?" God said, "So, yeah, I'm not punishing Aziraphale or Crowley. Ya'll get the fuck over it, or die mad about it. I really don't care which."
Heaven and Hell made a show of nodding.
"Oh, and if I catch any of you fucks messing with them, I will be be very upset, and if I ain't happy, I guarantee that no one else will be either so keep that in mind if you get the urge to poke them." God said as She returned to her human form. "Are we crystal clear on this?"
"Yes, Mother." Hell and Heaven grumbled, properly chastised.
"Aziraphale, if any of them give you or Crowley any problems, you have my permission to go ape shit. Before I forget," God paused to double snap at them. "You two are legit immune to both hellfire and holy water. And Aziraphale."
"Yes?"
"Whales aren't fish. They're mammals, honey." God said, "Crowley."
Yeah?
"Gorillas do make nests. For the love of me, watch a documentary every once in a while instead of the Golden Girls. I mean, good pick, solid really, but there is so much more out there. Disney Plus has this package now. I wasn't sure about it at first, but then The Mandalorian came out, and I finally broke down and got it. I don't use the ESPN part of it, but damn, it's worth it for Hulu." God rambled.
"Can I ask you a question?" Crowley risked it.
"One, and only one."
"Why?"
"Because I love you dumb babies."