Page 11 of 11
Chapter XXV
There were five of them in the carriage: the three girls, plus two travelling salesmen. Tiffany couldn't help thinking of them, rather unkindly, as Fat and Rat. The lardy one with the double chins had started off by trying to flirt with Agnes, much to her embarrassment and discomfort, until Tiffany had given him Frown No. 3, after which he seemed to find the backs of his hands inordinately interesting.
The skinny one just couldn't seem to sit still: he blinked constantly, tugged at his ear, fidgeted, fiddled with his little moustache, bit his nails…it was so annoying that Tiffany thought she might have to slap him. And then suddenly, and suspiciously, he seemed to calm down, for no apparent reason. She raised her eyebrows at Moo, but the little girl just smiled back at her innocently.
Now both Roly-Poly and Ferrety were asleep, as was Agnes, snoring softy between Tiffany and Moo, who were staring out of the windows as the coach trundled through the empty countryside. Tiffany was on the verge of falling asleep herself when she spotted the two masked figures riding towards them; they were wearing capes and tricorn hats. She'd never seen a highwayman before, but she was fairly sure that this was what they were supposed to look like, especially as they were riding directly to intercept the coach, which was already slowing down.
The change of pace somehow had the effect of waking the sleepers.
"Why are we slowing down?" asked Ferrety, in a nervous voice.
"I don't know," lied Tiffany.
"Are we there yet?" asked Roly-Poly.
"I don't think so," she said.
Still, everyone was fairly calm –though Agnes was gripping her hand far too tightly- until the guard on the back of the coach open his communications flap and said:
"Now everyone just stay calm."
This had the same effect that it has everywhere in the multiverse: everyone panicked. Actually, that was an exaggeration. Roly's mouth fell open and his eyes went wide. Agnes gripped Tiffany's hand even tighter and started panting. Moo was obviously too young to know how she should react to being told to calm down. Only Ferrety really, properly, panicked. He stood up, he sat down, he stood up again, span round, threw his hands in the air and shrieked:
"We're all going to die!"
He was a twitching, febrile bag of agitation that Tiffany had had just about enough of.
"If you don't sit down and shut up," she said, "I'm going to give you such a slap."
She'd used only Level 4 authority in her voice, reasoning that his fragile nerves probably wouldn't have been able to cope with any more, but it had the desired effect. He curled up in the corner and began feverishly biting his nails as if he had, indeed, been slapped. Tiffany wondered what it was that he could possibly have been able to sell and to whom. She discovered much later that he'd told Agnes it was ladies' lingerie, which made Tiffany despair of her sex and also wonder what gentlemen's lingerie might look like.
"Now," she said, "let's just see what happens."
By this time the coach had come to a complete halt and she heard a strong, authoritative, if slightly muffled, voice say:
"Stand and deliver. Everyone out of the coach; your money or your… aaaargh!"
The end of this sentence was so unexpected that it startled even Tiffany, and then she saw one of the highwaymen's horses bolting across the fields. The highwayman was still on its back, sort of, just, but he was as far from being in control as up was from down. She could hear him yelling "whoa!" at the top of his lungs but the horse simply wasn't listening. She couldn't see the other highwayman at all but as moo was laughing out loud as she looked out of the other window, she assumed that his horse was also heading for the hills at a good deal more than a canter. Tiffany looked sternly at Moo who beamed back at her, far less guilelessly this time.
"Good girl", she said and Moo giggled, as did Agnes.
The coach driver opened the door on Moo's side an enquired:
"Is everyone alright?"
The three girls burst out laughing, Roly managed to close his mouth and Ferrety passed out. The remainder of the journey went off without incident.
Ditchwater was a good deal larger than Rump, though not much more interesting, however it felt, at least to Tiffany, a great deal more threatening. There were far more small groups of suspicious-looking men than there really ought to be. And one group of suspicious-looking men was already three groups too many. As they made their way towards the riverfront Agnes noticed that a lot of the groups of suspicious-looking men were looking at them, suspiciously.
"You don't think they're looking for us, do you?" she asked Tiffany.
"Yes, why, don't you?"
"Yes, what should we do?"
"Find a boat as soon as possible," said Tiffany urgently.
Agnes wasn't convinced that this was such a great idea either because all the men on the boats looked rather suspicious as well, as did the boats themselves. Moo was, as usual, just looking at everything in wide-eyed fascination and didn't seem at all worried. Agnes thought this was strange as she must have sensed Tiffany and hers nervousness. But before they could even reach the quay they were stopped by a group of four nasty-looking men.
"Hello, ladies," said the eldest of them, a man of about fifty, "and where are you off to?"
"Oh, nowhere in particular," said Agnes, flustered.
"Is that so," said Old Nasty, chuckling and scratching his stubble. His three unpleasant companions smirked along with him.
"The thing is," said Younger Unpleasant, "we're on the lookout for two young women and a little girl, there's quite a reward, you see?" And all four men laughed.
Agnes felt sick, against four of them she couldn't see any way that they could…
"We can be on our way," said Tiffany, waving her hand, "we're not the girls you're looking for."
Agnes flashed a look at her as if she's taken leave of her senses. But she was in for a surprise.
"They can be on their way," said Old Nasty to the other men, "they're not the girls we're looking for."
The three of them nipped around the perplexed-looking men and walked quickly, but not too quickly, away. Agnes snatched a glance over her shoulder and saw Younger Unpleasant looking back at them. She felt frightened for a moment but then he shook his head, almost as if to clear it, and carried on walking with the other three.
"How did you do that!?" she demanded of Tiffany through clenched teeth.
"An old Granny mind-trick," laughed Tiffany, "I'll teach you it if you'd like, it could come in handy some day."
"No, it couldn't," Agnes was adamant, "if we get back to Lancre safely then I am never leaving it again, not for all the wine in Genua. I think you're right about getting on a boat, though."
The boat, however, turned out to be a bit of a problem too. All the boats heading downstream to Ankh-Morpork were carrying as much cargo as they possibly could without sinking, consequently, they had no room for passengers. Oh, a couple of the captains had suggested they might be willing to offload some of their cargo to make space, if offered sufficient compensation. But given that the compensation was, on average, more than twice as much as all the money they had, Agnes had declined. She was currently conducting negotiations with a man called Ahab who had quoted her a price that was at least affordable, even if in no conceivable way reasonable. Also, she wasn't really that sure she wanted to share a boat with this man even if he were prepared to pay her. She was by no stretch of the imagination a woman of the world, but she'd lived in Ankh-Morpork for a little while and could spot a wrong 'un from a good way off.
She was listening to his third and final offer when she noticed that Tiffany and Moo seemed to be talking to another man some distance farther on.
"And that's my ultimate, last and final offer" said Ahab.
"Perhaps another time," said Agnes, distractedly, as she walked away.
"Now that I think about it," said Ahab, "I do have an absolute, ultimate, last and final offer…"
The man up ahead was rather handsome, in a roguish sort of way: tall and broad-shouldered with a strong, bearded chin, dark, curly hair, well-muscled forearms and bright-blue eye. The patch made him look like a pirate, but then she'd assumed that all of these boat captains were. As she drew closer he stepped forward to greet her.
"Captain Richard Moby," he announced, sweeping off his hat and bowing low, "at your service, miss."
"Pleased to meet you, captain," said Agnes curtseying.
He flashed her a dazzling smile that showed off his gold tooth, then he lifted his eye-patch and winked at her with his non-missing eye, which was brown. She laughed out loud.
"He says it lends him a certain rakish quality," Tiffany explained.
"Indeed it does," Agnes agreed, "but do you really think we should be getting on a boat with any old rake?"
"Ahem, Captain Moby has offered us the use of his cabin for the journey at no charge, provided we buy him lunch."
To Agnes this sounded too good to be true, which meant it wasn't true.
"And where does he want us to take him for lunch?" she wanted to know.
"Oh, we'll have lunch on the boat," said Captain Moby, "just get a few things off the market."
"Hmm, I'm not sure…" Agnes began.
"Splendid," said the captain, picking up a basket and crooking his arm, "Tiffany and Moo will sort out the cabin while we do the shopping."
"Yes, you two go on," said Tiffany.
Agnes took the captain's arm uncertainly and with that she was swept away.
Agnes wasn't used to other women looking at her enviously but, in the company of Captain Moby that was what virtually every woman, and a few men, was doing. She was also pleasantly surprised and how cheap everything was; then she realised they were being given special prices: "Cut rate as it's you, captain." She assumed that was why they only bought from female stall-holders.
They returned to the boat weighed down with: bread, ham, cheese, pickled fish, fruit, wine, milk…and had a lovely meal in the early evening sunshine before setting sail. And captain Moby did indeed raise his sail, so they weren't just floating down the river but, with a stiff breeze at their backs, were moving surprisingly swiftly. And they chatted as they went. Tiffany and been reluctant at first as she didn't want to betray the reason they were heading for Ankh-Morpork, though she wasn't completely sure she even knew. In any case, the captain didn't seem to be interested, he just asked what they thought of the sights they passed, what their likes and dislikes were, what their opinions were in general…and, surprisingly for a man, he actually listened to their answers.
And so they whiled away a pleasant evening until the sun began to set and the yawns began to make their appearances. Moo went forward to their cabin first Tiffany followed soon after. Agnes was tired too but decided to stay chatting for a bit longer as she wasn't often the focus of the attention of a handsome man. Actually, she had never been the object of attention of a handsome man before and wasn't sure she ever would be again.
As wasn't as if she wasn't pretty, in a girl-next-door sort of way, but she was, she had to admit, a little on the plump side and men, being shallow, seemed to prefer slender girls, like Tiffany. Handsome men, being generally twice as shallow as average, didn't even see her, despite sometimes having to go out of their way to look around her. Captain Moby, by contrast, had mentioned over dinner that when it came time for him to take a wife he wanted "a woman with a bit of meat on her bones". Agnes thought she had meat to spare.
Though she was enjoying his company a great deal and enjoying his attention even more, she was also starting to feel very tired.
"Are you going to sail all night?" she asked, trying to stop her eyelids drooping.
"Gods, no" he laughed, "even I need some sleep. I'll sail on for a few more hours as long as I have a moon, then I'll find somewhere to tie her up for the night."
"Her?"
"Yes, all boats are female."
"I didn't know that, what's she called?"
"The Pequod."
"Does that mean something in Foreign?"
"I don't know," he admitted, "I didn't build her, so I didn't name her."
"Oh, well," yawned Agnes, "I must get to bed. Goodnight, captain."
"Oh, please call me Dick, all my friends do."
"Goodnight, Richard," she said, coquettishly.
"Good compromise," he laughed, "sleep well, Agnes."
The cabin was neat and tidy and she could smell the freshness of the sheets on the bed, she loved the feel of clean sheets. Captain Moby was a good and, she thought, trustworthy man –and being on the plump side for some reason made you a good judge of character- yet it never even crossed her mind to get undressed. It clearly hadn't occurred to the other two either as they were lying, fully-clothed, on top of the sheets. The only things they had taken off were their boots. Agnes took off hers and lay down with Moo between Tiffany and her. Within seconds she was asleep.
She came awake with a start to find both Tiffany and Moo sitting up and looking anxious.
"Wha's happ'ing?" she mumbled.
"I don't know," replied Tiffany, "but I don't think it's anything good."
There was the sound of boots on the deck above them, and it was the sound of far more than one man. Then they heard the sound of swords being drawn and the Captain shouting "Avast!" Then there were some yells, a lot of splashing, some muffled shouts and then…silence. The three of them clung to together fearfully and waited for, they didn't know what. After a couple of minutes there was a knock at the cabin door.
"It's only me, girls," said Captain Moby.
"Come in, captain," said Tiffany.
He opened the door and stuck his head round.
"What happened?" asked Agnes.
"Damned if I know," he replied, with a puzzled look on his face. "Four ruffians got on the boat like they meant to take her, then they drew their blades and jumped overboard. Weirdest thing I've ever seen. Still, the currents carried them away and we're all safe now. It's nearly daylight and I'm going to cast off soon. You can all go back to sleep."
And with that he closed the door. Tiffany and Agnes both looked at Moo, who grinned impishly.
"Good girl," they said in unison.
"Well, there's no way I'll be able to sleep now," said Tiffany.
"Nor I," agreed Agnes.
"Me neither," added Moo.
In five minutes they were all snoring.