Elsa skipped the rest of her classes for that day. Her eyes watered and her heart cried out despite her efforts to convince herself that what she did was for the best. As soon as she was clear of the school, she let out a quiet cry, followed by a deluge of tears. It seemed no matter how hard she tried, she would always end up hurting her sister. If she acknowledged her, Anna would also be a victim of the vicious bullying that she'd had to deal with for a year. Even with the consequences laid out in front of her, she was unable to quench the yearning and desire to hold her sister. Somewhere deep down, she wanted to disregard the consequences and just be with Anna. But she couldn't. She knew she couldn't.
Anna probably hated her now. The thought hurt, choking her like a vice around her chest, but it would pass. At least, she hoped.
It was for the best, anyway.
Wasn't it?
Wiping her swollen eyes with the back of her hand, she stepped on the bus that just pulled over in front of her, silently paying for her ticket and finding a seat. She opted to take the bus to and from school every day, leaving before Anna and getting home later, not missing a single chance to distance herself. Their mother would have assigned a driver for her, but Elsa refused.
Her mother's car was not in the driveway when she got home. Probably off meeting with business associates again. The woman was never around for them, save for driving Anna to and from school. Too busy with running the company alone. Elsa used to wish that their mother would keep Anna company, since she couldn't. She wished that their mother could be an actual mother to her sister, taking her out on shopping trips, to the amusement park, to the aquarium. Braiding her hair. Elsa wanted to do all those things with Anna, her urges so strong sometimes that there was literally a magnetic pull toward the door whenever Anna knocked.
Elsa threw herself onto her bed and buried her face in her pillow, trying again to convince herself what she did was the best thing she could have done for Anna.
So why did it hurt so damn much?
When she heard the car pulling into the driveway, Elsa immediately got up and pressed her ear to the door, desperate to know how Anna was.
She heard their mother. "I'm going to be in my office; if you need anything, just come find me."
A small voice answered. "Okay."
Elsa's heart sped up as she heard her sister's footsteps get louder and she ascended the stairs. Her heart stopped at the same time they stopped in front of her door.
Please, she sent a silent prayer to whichever god was listening, eyes stinging. She didn't know if she could take it if Anna knocked again.
For the first time, her silent pleas were answered. Anna's footsteps continued down the hall.
Letting out the breath she didn't know she was holding, her heart sank. No matter how much she pushed Anna away before, the younger girl would always bounce back, knocking on her door and trying to coax her out of her room. The lack of it this time emphasized the extent to which Elsa had broken her heart. The silence cut through her like a knife.
It was for the best, she tried to convince herself. Anna was safe. From her.
A sudden knock on her door made her jump. She hadn't noticed the second set of footsteps that came from the same direction that her sister retreated to.
Opening the door, she realized it was Gerda, one of the caretakers that cleaned the house and served their meals. Gerda had known them since they were children, being one of the only people the sisters were comfortable with telling secrets to. She baked them cookies in secret when their mother forbade it. She used to sneak them picture books and snacks when they were studying.
"Did something happen at school, honey?"
"... No. Of course not. Why would you ask?"
"I just passed by your sister's room, and I think I heard her crying."
Elsa didn't have a response to that.
Gerda tried again, "Please, dear. I tried knocking on her door, and she didn't even respond. You know that's unlike her."
Elsa looked at Gerda apologetically. Concern and worry were pure in her weary eyes.
"I... I did something really mean to her," she confessed.
"Then you should talk to her. I'm sure you didn't do it on purpose, sweetheart. Your sister will still love you."
"But I did do it on purpose. She was annoying me, so I said really mean things on purpose to make her go away."
"Oh, Elsa. Lie to yourself if you want, but you're the only one you're fooling. Well, yourself and your poor sister who hangs on every word you say. I know you, Elsa, and you would never hurt your sister for no good reason."
"How do you know? I'm a horrible person who only cares about herself."
Gerda only chuckled, "Don't think I haven't noticed you camping outside your sister's door at night in case she has a nightmare, dear." Noting the girl's embarrassment, Gerda went on, "I think it's very sweet of you."
Elsa bit her lip and flushed. "You can't tell her."
"If you wish. But in return, I'd like to ask that you talk to your sister." When Elsa was still reluctant, she added, "I don't know why you think shutting her out of your life is good for her, but it's only resulted in loneliness for you. Both of you."
Sighing in resignation, Elsa nodded, "I'll try."
Muttering a thank you to Gerda, she ran down the hall to Anna's room. She leaned against the door and cupped her ear. And heard soft sobbing and sniffling.
If it were even possible, Elsa felt heartbreak fresh in her chest.
Deep breath. Elsa knocked on the door. Mustering all her courage, she whispered into the door, "Anna."
The sniffling paused.
"Anna, can we talk?"
She was unprepared for her sister's response.
"Oh, now you want to talk, Elsa? You don't want to go back to pretending you don't know me and that I'm a dirty freshman? That seemed to be easiest for you."
Elsa heard the sobs again. "Look... I didn't mean—I just...—you don't..."
"It's complicated," was all she could manage.
"What could be complicated about the fact that I'm such a failure that you don't want to be seen with me in public? Just say it! Just say it so I can stop hoping that I'm wrong, and so you can stop pretending that you still care about me."
"How can you say that? How can you think that I'm only pretending I care about you?"
"You know what? Leave me alone. We both know that it comes as naturally as breathing for you."
"I—" she was interrupted by the blaring of loud music from the speakers of Anna's computer. "Dammit, Anna! Listen to me!"
The music continued, its volume drowning out her words.
"Fine." Elsa turned and stormed back to her room.
She wasn't angry with Anna; she had no right to be, after what she did. But Anna didn't deserve this. She deserved a sister who loved her and wasn't afraid to be with her. A sister who could snuggle with her on cold days and share secrets with her. A sister who could share the loneliness of losing their father and block out the emptiness of their mother.
Suddenly, Elsa had an idea. She went to find Gerda, who was folding laundry in the mud room.
Gerda looked up as Elsa approached her. "Yes, dear? Is everything alright? Is she okay?"
"No, she wouldn't talk to me. But that's my fault. And that's not why I'm here. I have a favour to ask. Do you think you could get me Anna's email address somehow?"
"Her email? But why?"
Elsa shook her head, unwilling to elaborate, "Please, can you do that?"
The older lady nodded, "I'll see what I can do, dear. I assume you don't want her to know it's you who wants it."
"Yes. Thank you. I'll be in my room."
A light knock on her door broke Elsa's concentration of the essay she'd been writing. Opening the door, she saw Gerda, offering her a scrap piece of paper.
"Thank you, Gerda! How did you do it?"
"The gods must have a rare sense of humour, dear. I found it in the pocket of a pair of jeans that was in your sister's dirty laundry. Is this the right one?"
"We'll see. Thank you so much, Gerda."
"I'll leave you to it, then," giving Elsa a wrinkly-eyed smile, Gerda left.
One day, when Anna was outside her door, she'd told her of a new computer program she'd been using. Skype. Anna had said it took the email addresses of everyone and let you talk to them, face to face, through voice chat, or instant messaging. Anna had been so adorable when she was excitedly talking about it, and Elsa couldn't help but smile at the memory. Her little sister had spent the day telling Elsa about all the things you could do on Skype, the funny emoticons, and how it alleviated the loneliness.
Elsa opened the official webpage for Skype. Scanning the registration page, she entered all her personal information, including the email that she'd made exclusively for this purpose. The email address she used for school would have given her away immediately. At the bottom, it asked for a username. Furrowing her brows, she entered, 'Frozen Storm', and downloaded the program.
She opened it, logged in, and prepared to add her first contact. She looked at the scrap piece of paper that Gerda had given her. princess_snowflake. How adorable! She'd often called Anna 'snowflake' when they played in the snow and built snowmen so many years ago, because each one had its own unique pattern and story. Smiling to herself, she typed it into the search box. Almost immediately, she found Anna. Her Skype name was 'Snowflake', and Elsa smiled again, sending the contact request.
A couple of minutes later, a message popped up.
Snowflake: hi
Frozen Storm: Hey.
Snowflake: do i kno u?
Oops. Elsa hadn't thought of this. How does she get Anna to talk to her without telling her who she was?
Frozen Storm: Yes.
Snowflake: soooooo... who are u?
She tried to think of a response that wouldn't be creepy.
Frozen Storm: Just someone.
Snowflake: ;o do i have to guess?
Frozen Storm: I'd rather you didn't.
Snowflake: are u my secret admirer or smth haha
Frozen Storm: I've just always wanted to be friends with you.
Snowflake: oooo do u go to AH?
Frozen Storm: Yes. ;)
Snowflake: hmmmm... guy or girl?
Frozen Storm: Girl. Stop trying to guess!
Snowflake: haha sry, u seem so mysterious. y dont u talk to me irl? im sure we could be good frds
Frozen Storm: I'm a little scared of being close to people in real life. Sorry.
Not people, Elsa thought. Just you.
Snowflake: thats ok! u dont need to say sry we can talk here ;)
Frozen Storm: So what are you doing?
Snowflake: nothing right now. just had a fight with my sis =/
Frozen Storm: Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?
Snowflake: well i saw her at lunch and i wanted to talk to her but i guess she really hates me and i pissed her off or something so she pretended to not kno who i was haha its stupid
Elsa stared sullenly at the screen, her stomach twisting as she thought about what had transcended at lunch.
Snowflake: then when i got home she tried to talk to me but she obviously didnt even want to
Elsa narrowed her eyes. Did she really come off as not wanting to talk to Anna? Did Anna have any idea just how much Elsa wanted to talk to her? How much she wanted to actually be a proper older sister?
Frozen Storm: I'm sure she doesn't hate you. Maybe she just has some problems that she doesn't want to involve you in.
Snowflake: how do u kno? do u have a sis? ;o
Frozen Storm: Yes, I do. And I love her very much. So there's no way your sister hates you. If she didn't want to talk to you, she wouldn't have tried talking to you, right?
Snowflake: i guess thats true. well thx that made me feel better ;)
Gerda chose that moment to call the sisters down for dinner.
Snowflake: hey i got dinner so i'll ttyl ok?
Frozen Storm: Okay, no problem. See you later ;)
Smiling for the nth time today, Elsa closed her laptop.