A/N: My first fic in MANY years, but I couldn't help myself with this game. Okay, so as far as tags, there are SPOILERS INTO CHAPTERS 13-16. Also this features a character death and some pretty strong feelings. I label this as NSFW because some may find this a tear jerker. Lots of Angst as well.
A/N: This is in Lucifer's POV. So enjoy this quick little oneshot.
Reminders
This is my fault.
This is all my fault.
I couldn't imagine this repeating. I couldn't imagine this involving you. Once again, I was watching someone I cared for die. Once again, it was because I could do nothing to stop it. This time, there wouldn't be a pact I could do to save you. This time, I will get no such comfort.
I could take it.
I could take it, if it didn't involve you, and everyone I love.
I am no stranger to hardship, no stranger to sacrifice, but watching Mammon hold you, and voice every single feeling stuck within my chest is torture. He'd met eyes with me, and for the first time in what seemed like millennia, we were feeling the same thing. He saw it in me, my composure having slipped as I look down at your broken body.
He and I had dealt with our fall and subsequent elevation in the Demonic ranks in our own way. I hated his methods. He was barely tolerable of mine. He was the most reckless, thoughtless of us all; something I had never seen in him before Lilith died. It was as if that part of him had died that day too. I could never tell him. I could never tell him what it had cost me.
I had given him the responsibility over you, in hopes that it would calm him some, that it would bring back some of the brother I had lost. It had worked, I suppose. Now he was breaking apart again, with you in his arms, voicing, reacting in every way that I couldn't. After all, that was why we hardly got along. We were our own opposites, except in this.
Leviathan is somewhere between us, between us in emotion. I saw the panic in his eyes, the dread because this isn't something he can fix with a reset. He'd been a recluse from the moment we fell, hiding away what I figured was the pain he'd felt after losing our beloved sister.
Seeing the memories flash before his eyes, hurt. It hurt because this was so much worse. There was nothing I could do to fix this. You came in, brash and terrified, rightly so. Willing to work with whatever came your way; even when it was me who was before you. You faced Mammon's disdain, Levi's indifference, my barely concealed contempt, and Asmodeus' and Satan's cynicism with a smile, and a hope not one of us had felt since she died.
I think back to the first time you angered me. I remember the fear in your eyes. I remember telling myself that I was making a point. I saw the trust fade from your face, and somehow, I convinced myself that it was worth it. You needed to learn your place; we were not equals, you did not matter. Now I'm kneeling before you, as your life starts to fade from your eyes, and I would do anything to take it back. Everything I have done since Lilith's Angelic death, has led to this moment, and it angers me, because in the end I'm as powerless as I was that day.
Belphegor is behind me, cackling, proud of what he'd done. I couldn't muster the energy to rebuke him. He was broken, just like us all. His pain had manifested in anger, anger at the one element he could not control. It was what he'd seen in you. How could I tell him that Lilith had died human? How could I tell him that he was killing us along with you? How could I mend what was broken beyond repair? There was no cheating death this time. I looked to Beel and I struggle to keep from crying out.
His pain is palpable, I can almost touch it. His heartbreak visible in his face, so much so I wonder why it is Belphegor, his twin, does not feel it. Beel is torn between you, the twin he so loves, and the rest of us, who are hurting alongside him. I have never seen him thus. I don't ever want to see him like this again. Yet again, I can do nothing to help you, help him, help them all, including myself. He will not recover from this; I can see this now.
I look back to you, as you try and talk to Mammon, and with every gasped breath you let out, a piece of my heart goes with it. I couldn't even tell you that I should have fixed this. I couldn't tell you that I cared. I couldn't tell you that despite your stubborn, impulsive, brave behavior, I admired it. I admire you; I had wanted to…but I couldn't.
I couldn't because it seems, everything I love; everything I love shatters.
How could I tell you that I knew you were attracted to me; I knew you tried your best to let me see it. I knew you tried your best to hide it. I could never allow myself that, nor allow it of you. My threats at the retreat, they had hit their mark, I saw it in your eyes. Yet, despite your kind's propensity of being flighty and flippant with your love; I knew you cared. I had used it to get my way at times, knowing you were fond of me, happy to please me. Yet, here we are. With me breaking beside you, wishing there was anything I could do to convince you to stay with me.
Why would you though?
I had assured your safety, yet I failed…again.
I meet Asmodeus' eyes, for the first time since we fell, I see his fear, and his heartbreak because of you. He has not a care for anyone not related to him, and even so, you'd gotten his respect, and his love. How had this happened? How had he failed to notice how it would make everyone around him feel?
Leviathan exclaims, shaking me from my reverie and looking toward you. Were you gone? Was the last you heard of me was my deafening silence? How would he have the strength to tell Diavolo what had occurred to you? How could he tell the Prince that Belphegor was responsible because I had failed you both? I heard Beel and Asmo react drawing my attention to the present, following their gaze.
I felt my heart stop.
It couldn't be.
How…it was not possible.
My eyes met with Mammon's again, as he too had seen the apparition that looked remarkably like you, we both looked down at the broken body that lay in his arms, only to see it vanish before our very eyes. We'd both been kneeling before you, the strength I knew that was within him, almost rivaling mine, rose as we both came to our feet, facing the apparition together. I absentmindedly handed Mammon a handkerchief; he took it silently as his demon form flickered, triggered no doubt by mine.
I swallowed my sorrow. I took in the pain, shielding it within me once again.
If this is a trick, a ploy by anyone trying to capitalize on our moment of grief…
I would remind them why are the seven Deadly sins.