Dinner was quiet, as usual. Only the sound of silver forks and knives hitting porcelain plates could be heard. Elsa, Anna and their mother were seated at an ridiculously, almost comically, long dining table, with the distances between them so far apart they would have to shout to be able to hear anything. Maybe that was the point. After all, the dining table is a place for dining, not talking, as their father was concerned. Elsa stared wistfully at the bread basket in front of her, trying to remember the last time they'd had a proper conversation at this godforsaken table.
It was the last year of elementary for Elsa, and they were 'celebrating' her graduation. If celebrating meant wordlessly eating cake for dessert and having a balloon in each corner of the grandiose dining room, which should be renamed a dining stadium. A perfunctory mutter of congratulations slowly diffused across the table from their mother to Elsa. Anna on the other hand, could always be counted on to bring life to the lifeless.
"Congrats sis! I can't believe you'll be in high school next year! I mean, you'll be so old! Not that, you know, I'm saying you're old, but older. Are you excited? New experiences are on the horizon! But I'm still going to bug you about homework and stuff, even if you don't go to the same school anymore you'll still help me, right?"
"Anna, stop that babbling right now. You know you have a tutor for that; you don't need to waste your sister's time with your unnecessary questions. After all, Elsa has much more important work to do."
Elsa eyed the crestfallen face of her sister, who was on the verge of tears, and turned to glare at their mother. Why did this woman feel the need to literally kill all the happiness in this household? Elsa bit her lip, wanting to reassure her sister but at the same time not fueling their mother's wrath.
"What is it, Elsa? Am I wrong? You are the heir."
The audacity of this woman! She knew exactly why Elsa did not have time to spend with Anna, and yet she was purposefully provoking her! What kind of mother did that?
Grinding her teeth together, it took all the control in the world for Elsa to remain silent.
Unfortunately, Anna had taken Elsa's reticence as silent agreement to their mother's statement. Her lower lip quivering, she excused herself from the 'celebration'.
Elsa glared at their mother, rage burning in her eyes. "Why did you have to say that? Can't you be considerate of what Anna feels? It's your fault I don't have time to spend with her! You know I want to spend time with her; why would you say that?"
"Dear Elsa, did your father teach you nothing? In the business world, cold, hard, power is all that matters. Emotions, bonds, relationships are all just baggage. Conceal, don't feel, right?" She added the last question as a taunt.
"What if I said I am going to refuse any further lessons or schooling?"
"Well, that would certainly disappoint your late father, wouldn't it," she remarked coolly. It was not a question.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll go along with all of it, your tutors, your cramming of lessons into every square inch of free time I have, if you stop giving Anna a hard time about anything ever again," she expelled.
"That means perfection in everything."
"Everything."
"You have yourself a deal, young lady."
"So how was your day, Anna?" Gerda's warm voice shook Elsa out of the void that was her memories. Apparently, the kindly old woman noticed Elsa's knuckles turning white as she gripped the tablecloth in a wild rage.
"Oh, um. It was… fun."
A pang of guilt struck Elsa like an ice pick. Again. Without thinking, she turned to Anna, "Are you still angry with me?"
Her sister shook her head, "It's my fault for wishing for something that didn't exist to begin with, so," forcing a smile, "don't worry about it."
Elsa hated seeing her sister like this. Deception and forced joy didn't belong on her vibrant features. She bit her lip, jaw locking, fighting the urge to open her mouth and let all the secrets spill out.
Don't, she reminded herself when words of comfort threatened to come barreling forth. Anna didn't need comfort if it couldn't last. What use was a broken umbrella that couldn't provide complete shelter from the rain? Might as well discard the umbrella entirely, if it wouldn't be able to perform its only job.
But Anna looked so sad.
Her emotions were warring against the logical part of her mind, and losing rapidly. Resigning herself to rational thought, she excused herself from the dinner table before she could do any more damage.
"Elsa."
She paused, unsure if her mind were playing tricks on her, or if it was her sister, or her mother calling out for her.
"I've added driving lessons for you next week, Tuesday and Thursday after school."
If there was any doubt who had called her name, it was gone now. What a farce of a family dinner.
It was last Friday of September, the day before a long weekend (there was a professional development* day on Monday). Having sat through endless torment the entire week, by bullies at school and her mind at home, Elsa approached her locker. All colors of profanity were spray-painted on her locker door. Well, this was nothing new. Her tormentors were constantly finding new ways to get under her skin. Flipping open the door, she was shocked to find her textbooks missing.
Suddenly, she heard laughter behind her. Hans Falk, a senior, and one of her prime persecutors, stood there with two of his friends, looking very pleased with themselves.
"How do you like the new look? I think it's a very accurate reflection of what you are."
As she slammed the door shut, and strode passed them to her first class, Hans grabbed her arm, "Ah-ah-ah! Where do you think you're going? Aren't your textbooks missing, dear? Don't you need them for your open-book test today? If you let me fuck you, I'll tell you where they are. After all, it's not the first time you'll be doing dirty things to get what you want, is it?"
His sly, disgusting voice sent chills up her spine. But as usual, she kept her calm demeanor, snatched her arm out of his grasp, and walked away.
On the inside, however, she was panicking. The open-book unit test was today, one of the biggest tests of the semester. What was she going to do? If she didn't get perfect on this test, how was she going to protect Anna from the wrath of their mother? Her deal with their mother was contingent on the premise that she got perfect scores in every subject, and she could not fail the one thing she had been doing right for her sister.
She was going to score perfect on this exam, at all costs. She had to.
Staring intently at her phone, Elsa kneeled in one of the stalls of the girl's washroom. She'd decided to skip her first class, since it wasn't important anyway, and find an online version of the textbook. Luckily, the textbook was downloadable in PDF form. She couldn't use it during her exam, but she could damn well try to remember as much as she needed in the little time she had left. Sending a silent prayer of thanks to the gods, she proceeded to memorize as much of the information as she could.
When it was finally time for her class, she took a deep breath and stepped in the classroom. Hans was already there, reclining with his feet on his desk and arms behind his head. He gave her a condescending smirk, which she ignored.
Mr. Weselton, a short, stout man, handed out the exam papers, and noticing Elsa's textbook-less desk, he said mockingly, "Well, Elsa, where's your textbook?"
"I don't need it," she replied in a steady voice. She wouldn't have said that if the teacher was known for giving out spares, instead of ridiculing students for their mistakes.
"Hmph. Alright."
Mutters were already spreading across the room.
"How conceited."
"What an arrogant bitch."
"She deserves to fail."
Hans was still smirking at her in anticipation for her imminent demise.
Determined not to let him get the best of her, Elsa gripped her pen and reviewed the information she had stored in her head.
"You may begin."
Exhausted, Elsa stepped onto the bus and rubbed her temples, trying to mitigate the oncoming headache. The fact that it was the weekend didn't comfort her at all; it only meant more time with her inner demons, and her mother's apathy.
She was lying on her bed, arm over her face, when she heard a knock on her door. The headache was getting the better of her, and she really wasn't in the mood for talking, but for some inexplicable reason her mouth decided to spout the words, "Come in."
Anna opened the door tentatively, eyes wide as she received the unexpected response. The sight of her exhausted sister lying on the bed was another surprise. "Elsa! Are you okay?"
Try to be nice? Said some voice from some crevice of the blonde's worn brain. The voices that were constantly hounding her to reject or ignore her sister seemed to be absent today. Or maybe she was just so tired of pretending. So tired of having to wear a mask all the time. So tired of pushing her sister away. So tired of constantly hurting the one she cared about the most, despite convincing herself it was for the latter's benefit.
"Just great." She hadn't meant to sound sarcastic, but the weight of the day's events was crushing her, and she lashed out without thinking. Almost instantly regretting her choice of words, she amended, "Headache. Long day."
"Hey, I can help with that," Anna chirped. Moving to sit on her sister's bed (and smiling contentedly when Elsa didn't complain or push her away), she leaned over and rubbed the blonde's temples. "Here, right?"
The feeling of her sister's soft hands on her throbbing temples was euphoric; Elsa closed her eyes and for once, ceased all cognitive processes. It was almost like a dream, Anna massaging her head for her, all of her misfortunes, nightmares, worries, were forgotten, just like that. Amazing how one simple act from her could dispel all the negative emotions and thoughts in Elsa's mind. Really, she thought, what did I ever do to deserve you?
"How does that feel?"
It feels amazing. "Great," she said stupidly. Nicely done. Once again, in the span of two minutes, she had astoundingly managed to spit out sarcasm when she hadn't meant it.
She was equally appalled at her sister's next words. "I love you. You know that, right? Even when we say mean things to each other—"
One-sided mean things, Elsa's mind corrected sullenly.
"—it won't ever change the fact that you're my sister, and I love you, Elsa. I wish you didn't always keep everything to yourself. I know I'm not that reliable, but I'll try my best to help."
"I…"
She wanted to reciprocate, so badly. She wanted to throw down that stupid wall, the on that she had scraped together, brick by brick, and just let Anna see her for who she was. It seemed like she didn't have enough conviction to commit to either side of her decision. This was so pathetic that she almost laughed aloud at herself out of spite.
What was she so afraid of?
Of hurting her. Because whatever pain she feels, I feel ten times over.
She was a selfish, selfish coward. When her words were distilled down to the bare facts, she had only been afraid of hurting herself. Whatever happened at school didn't give her the right to let Anna bear all her burdens. She couldn't let Anna face the same misery that awaited her everyday at school.
She would rather turn into her father than let that happen. Than let someone like Hans insult Anna's dignity and innocence the way he had this morning.
No.
No.
Steeling herself, Elsa opened one eye to hold her sister's worried gaze, and once again regretting it, almost unable to bring up her next words. "I think you should leave, Anna."
You deserve someone better than me.
A/N: *Those of you wondering what a professional development day is, where I come from it's a day where the teachers meet and discuss the semester and curriculum, so there's no school. Usually once per month.
Also, I know Elsa and Anna's mother seems like a bitch, but there's a reason for that, so please bear with me.
Thanks again for reading! And please feel free to leave a review.