I am soooo bad. I know. But honestly were you expecting anything else from me? :D So we start exactly where we left them after 3x03. I know the episode was horribly tragic and sad but to me it was also beautiful. And I just need to continue like NOW.
Andy was standing on the catwalk, watching Sullivan in his office. He put his head into his palms and looked like he was fighting headache or something. She watched him with heavy heart. He promoted Maya... he really did it. It surprised her when he abruptly turned away from his desk and angrily threw a pen against a wall. What was going on?
She felt so exhausted after this day that she could barely walk. But instead of going to bed, here or at home, she found herself walking towards him, to his new office. Of course she was glad he decided to stay at 19 instead of moving to some other Station, there was this part of her that just needed him close she refused to analyze that part but still she didn't know how to function. Her feelings were crushing her. And yet...
She came closer, didn't care about how she looked, he could reprimand her for it but well she just didn't give a damn today anymore. She knocked at the door and he looked up surprised. He got up swiftly without knowing why. He was so surprised to see her there. The feeling of utter guilt that washed over him nearly knocked air out of his lungs.
"You recommended Maya for the promotion." She said, her voice flat, tired. She didn't say sir and she didn't say it as a question. Sullivan knew he should correct her, reprimand her but one look at her and he just knew he would let it all slip. This was more personal than it seemed.
"Yeah, I did." He answered honestly. He was so worried about her as he saw her. He still heard Pruitt in his head telling him she wouldn't sleep, wouldn't eat, wouldn't allow herself to feel.
"Why? Are you punishing me?" She asked and he could hear the hurt in her voice. He was right, she would never forgive him. He could only hope Pruitt was right.
"You know I'm not."
"So why? Why Maya?" Andy asked again, not understanding.
"She didn't think I would recommend her. She thought it would be you." He tried to explain, not really answering her question directly.
"Yeah, because she thinks you'd do me any favour." Andy answered sadly and if she could cry, she probably would.
"Andy..." He didn't know what to say. He was lost. Sullivan walked around his desk, closer to her. There was a part of him, the part he decided to bury for both their sakes, the part that woke up when Pruitt said that l-word, that wanted to hug her close and never let go.
"I still think you could do it, Andy. But you're going through so much right now that adding more stress to it... I just..." He tried to explain but realized she wasn't really listening.
"It's okay. I understand." She answered even though she didn't. She felt so numb inside that she couldn't go on. She was exhausted. Turning around she wanted to leave his new office but turned back just before stepping out.
"Robert?" She asked. He didn't even have time to respond before she continued. "Thank you, for letting me be here today." She said honestly.
"You needed it." He said.
"I did." Andy answered. "Can I take tomorrow off though?" She asked. He was worried to say both yes and no. He didn't know what was better and what would hurt her more. But she looked like she would sleep through the day.
"Of course." He told her softly. His heart was breaking for her. Damn, Pruitt was right.
"Thank you, Sir." Andy said formally and with a nod she left.
Sullivan just stood there and watched her go. He wasn't sure what made him angrier. That he hurt her? That Pruitt was right? That there was nothing he could do right now to help her? That by promotion Bishop he probably destroyed their friendship beyond repair? Or that he had to fight with himself so he wouldn't follow her and ask her for forgiveness?
All his thoughts were severed when he felt sharp pain in his leg and barely had time to sit down. Yeah, there he had all his answers.
Andy ran into Montgomery when she was about to get changed and leave the Station.
"Hey, Andy, you okay?" He asked her.
"What?" She asked back. She wasn't paying attention to her surroundings.
"Are you going home?" He wanted to know.
"I should, yeah." She said but then realized Maya would be there and that she would have to pass the 'Police line – do not cross' door where she lost her best friend and suddenly didn't feel like going there at all.
"You know what? Come with me, okay?" He just waited for her to grab her bag and they walked outside together. Andy walked with him, got to his car and let him drive her home. Montgomery was getting really worried about her as he watched her. She was... just not there anymore. He drove her to his apartment and brought her inside. She just sat down. He showed her to the spare bedroom he had, well, home office / spare bedroom / gym / whatever was needed room and she just sat down on the bed and after a moment she lied down.
"Get some rest." He said and covered her with the blanket from the bed. Andy closed her eyes and let the warm comforter calm her down. She fell asleep within a minute. Montgomery watched her and with a heavy sigh he left.
He closed the door behind him and took out his phone. He knew he should probably let someone know that Andy was here but didn't know whom. Bishop was ... well just not there for her now. But would she worry when Andy wouldn't get home? He didn't have to decide as his phone rang. It was Gibson.
"Jack?"
"Hey Travis, did you see Andy? Bishop called and said she wasn't home, she's kinda worried."
"Yeah, Andy's with me. She fell asleep just a minute ago." He informed him. "I met her and she looked ... " And he didn't know how to end that sentence.
"I get it, Trav. Thanks."
"No problem."
Sullivan stayed in his office after Andy left and felt like the biggest jerk ever. Did he really do the right thing? He wasn't that sure about it. When Gibson came and asked him if he had seen Andy, he was surprised.
"Yeah, she was here like an hour ago." Sullivan replied.
"I guess you don't know where she could have gone, Sir?" Gibson asked tentatively.
"No. Why?" Sullivan was worried then.
"Bishop called, Andy didn't go home and she's not picking up her phone. She's worried about her." Gibson said and noticed how Sullivan's features changed. Even he could notice that their Captain cared about Herrera just a little too much. But well right now he didn't give a damn. She was going through hell and they all just wanted to help her somehow.
"I'll try calling others and we'll see."
"Keep me in the loop, will you?" Sullivan asked and knew Gibson could very well say no. But he just nodded and said sure. So Sullivan waited and waited, anxious and afraid. Did something happen to her? Then he got a text from Gibson telling him and probably others as well, that Andy was over at Montgomery's. He calmed down a bit.
What had he done? He hated himself and only hoped that Pruitt was right and in the long run this was the right decision. His leg was okay now so he took his things and left the Station. He wanted to go home, he really did, but he couldn't. Too much has happened today and it wasn't over. So he stopped by at grocery store, bought two six-packs of beer and with some new found courage he drove over to a completely different address.
When Pruitt got home that evening, he felt heavy burden on his shoulders and around his heart. His action indirectly caused the death of Ryan Tanner, boy who was like a son to him. And his previous actions were why he and his daughter drifted apart so much. After watching Sullivan today, seeing him react when he asked him if he loved his daughter, he had this distant feeling that maybe he misjudged the situation and his harsh words to his daughter weren't justified. He probably made a huge mistake and hurt her a lot. And now with Tanner's death, he felt guilty and horrible.
He loved his daughter and would do anything for her. Even talk to her Captain behind his back, asking him in the name of love that man felt for her to postpone her promotion, he asked him to hurt her more and to give her time to heal before taking the chance to run her own Station. Was it a good decision or a bad one? He didn't even know if Sullivan would listen to him. He seemed pretty determined to put her name forward to the recommendation. Sitting down on the couch, Pruitt didn't know what to do.
He was disturbed from his dark thoughts when there was a knock on his door. Curious as who might it be he walked there to open.
"Sullivan?" He was surprised to see that man in his civil clothes standing at his doorstep. Sullivan just showed him the beer and waited for Pruitt to decide what to do. With a simple nod Pruitt moved aside and let the man enter.
Sullivan gave him the beer and he took it to the living room and set it down at the table. Sullivan took off his jacket and followed him inside. He wasn't sure about this idea of coming here but being here he felt like it was a good one.
"I needed the beer and didn't want to drink alone and given the circumstances I figured you could use one too." Sullivan said.
"Good thinking." Pruitt replied and they sat down in the living room, each taking a beer and not bothering with glasses, they took a swig right from the bottles.
"Sullivan." Pruitt started as he wanted to ask him about the promotion. Sullivan knew so he just told him.
"I talked to Gibson but he doesn't want it."
"Sounds like someone I know." Pruitt answered and Sullivan smirked. Yeah, he was a lot like Gibson when he was younger.
"So as Dixon asked for a woman to be promoted, I put Bishop in for it."
"Dixon is jerk."
"I hate that guy."
"Yeah, me too."
"Bishop was surprised. She didn't think I would. I didn't think I would."
"But you did."
"Yeah, I followed your advice, Pruitt." Sullivan said and settled for Pruitt instead of Captain Herrera as this conversation had nothing to do with being professionals. No, this was private.
"Thank you." Pruitt replied. Sullivan sighed though.
"I watched her after what you said and you were right. She's so..." He wanted to describe it but didn't have the right words. "How do I help her?" He asked the older man.
"I wish I knew, Robert. Hopefully she just needs time and friends."
Sullivan looked at Pruitt and decided to bite the bullet.
"You said her year would get worse. Why?" He asked. Pruitt thought it might come to that but didn't really think the man would have the guts to ask him. But it seemed like this conversation would be open and honest, brutally raw and with no secrets to keep.
"I've got cancer."
"I thought you were in remission?" Sullivan said, still not understanding.
"It's a different one. And I'm terminal. I have about six months, maybe a year but I'm not that optimistic." Pruitt answered and watched the emotions play on Sullivan's face.
"What?"
"I refused chemo so I'm on meds but that's it."
"Why? Why did you refuse?" He couldn't understand.
"It makes me sicker and the cancer's too spread by now so it wouldn't change anything. I would only go sick and broken and that I don't want." Pruitt explained. Sullivan looked really shaken. He didn't say a word for several minutes.
"That night in the bar."
"Huh?" Pruitt wasn't following.
"That's why you were at Joe's bar that night. You met Warren in the hospital, his wife is your doctor, isn't she?" Sullivan put it all together.
"Yes. We met and she just had the miscarriage so I went with Warren for a beer." Pruitt explained and Sully just nodded. Things started to make sense.
"Jesus, Pruitt." He said and needed a moment to sort it all out in his head. Then one really important fact hit him like a bolt of lightning.
"Does Andy know about this?" He asked the older man and knew immediately the answer.
"Christ. You have to tell her."
"I know but I don't want to. She'll try to push me into chemo and..."
"Pruitt, no. She has to know. You can't keep this from her. It would destroy her." Sullivan was pretty worked up now. He expected quite a lot of things when Pruitt said Andy's year would get worse but he definitely didn't see this coming.
"You think right now she can take such news?" Pruitt asked back, equally affected by the conversation. "I didn't want her to know and that's why I drove to San Diego and asked Tanner to come back so she wouldn't have to face this alone." Pruitt said angrily, feeling like crap. Sullivan looked at him and didn't believe him.
"He came back because of her. Because you asked him to."
"Yes. And got shot the first day he was back here, trying to protect her from getting shot by a three year old boy." Pruitt said and felt something heavy painfully squeeze his chest. He opened himself another beer and decided to come out clean completely. He needed some answers though.
"Will you be there for her, Robert?" He asked Sullivan.
"Pruitt..." Sullivan felt trapped suddenly. What was he supposed to say now to a man who would die soon?
"Look, son, you love my daughter, don't you?" Pruitt asked and he sounded more like a caring father than a mad firefighter.
Sullivan got up and paced the room. This was suddenly a little too much on him. It all kept on running through his head and he knew that the consequences of what he would say would haunt him for the rest of his life no matter what.
"Yes." He said then. "Yes, I love your daughter." He answered and turned around from the window to face Pruitt. Truth time it seemed.
"How long?" Pruitt wanted to know.
"I don't know... but after we came back from L.A. we realized it was mutual." Sullivan confessed.
"You said nothing happened." Pruitt accused him.
"It didn't because instead of being with her I told her to go and get her head straight so she wouldn't ruin her chances at getting promoted." He told Pruitt and it was obviously a surprise for him.
Sullivan sighed then. Would he open this wound too? Would he tell him? Maybe it was a good idea and maybe not. But this day was full of choices that could go both well and bad.
"We almost died in L.A." He said and looked at Pruitt. "When the fire spread we got trapped. I tried to get us into one of the houses but the door wouldn't break. Andy realized the house had a pool so we stripped down from the gear and jumped in. We stayed underwater till the fire calmed down. I thought we would die."
"She never told me..." Pruitt said and Sullivan sat back down to the couch.
"When we came back I wanted to talk to her but instead we... kissed." He confessed bit embarrassed. Pruitt just smiled at him, he was no fool.
"Nothing, huh?" He asked then again, mocking him.
"Nothing because my leg was like on fire. The pain was sharp and I couldn't feel anything from my thigh down then, it went numb, I couldn't move it."
"What?!" Pruitt didn't see this coming at all.
"I panicked and told her to go. I hurt her. I rejected her because... I don't know. I just did."
"That's why there was the tension between you." Pruitt realized.
"Yes. As I said, I didn't sleep with your daughter." Sullivan told him.
"You just fell in love with her." Pruitt commented and Sullivan nodded sadly, taking another sip of his beer. They stayed silent then, both deep in thought.
"You could have been with her." Pruitt said then when he sorted it all out. "But you let her hate you so she wouldn't ruin her chances, so people wouldn't question her and her promotion."
Sullivan just nodded.
"I'm sorry, Robert."
"About what?"
"About the way I treated you." Pruitt said and Sully could see how difficult that had to be for him to say. "How's your leg now?"
"Not good. I need a surgery but if I tell the department, I'm done. I'll get a nice desk job and that's it."
"So what? You're just in pain?"
"Yeah, Koracick gave me some pain meds but it's not good." Sullivan admitted.
"Koracick is good. He's arrogant as hell but he's good." Pruitt told him.
"I know. But right now I just can't take a sick leave and hope I'm gonna be in those 50% successfully healed." Sullivan said and Pruitt could kind of understand him.
"Robert... Did you tell Andy?" Pruitt asked then.
"I guess we both have our secrets." Sullivan said instead. "And now she thinks I changed my mind, she thinks I no longer care and she thinks I betrayed her and promoted Bishop instead of her." Sullivan said, feeling a bit sorry for himself.
"She'll need you."
"I don't know what you want me to do, Pruitt." Sullivan told him and truly felt lost in the situation.
"I can give you the same advice I gave Ryan."
"That is?"
"Always tell the girl you love her, son." Pruitt said and Sullivan just leaned back on the couch and closed his eyes. He was so screwed.
"She'll forgive you someday. And she'll need you once I'm gone."
"She hates me."
"She loves you, Robert. I think for the first time in her life she's truly in love and it's with you." Pruitt said and chuckled.
"She deserves better."
"She deserves someone to see her for what she really is. And you can do that." Pruitt argued back.
"Pruitt..."
"Let's make a deal, Robert. I tell her about my cancer and you do something about your leg."
"I can't."
"You have to. She's gonna need you." Pruitt said and as he saw the other man struggle he was sure that this time he made the right call.
"I don't know if I can do this."
"Why not?"
"Because I haven't loved anyone since I lost Claire. And I'm scared." He admitted. Pruitt reached out and gave Sullivan another beer. He couldn't say anything to that. They stayed silent, together on that couch, drinking beer and both thinking about the one woman they both loved and cared about.