Chapter 11

Rejected

Before my baseball practice I stopped by at Maura's house. I wanted to talk to her. And I really wanted to see her. And since I didn't see her on the street like the previous time, I decided to stop by for a few minutes.

I rang at the doorbell and she opened the door, seeming surprised to see me there.

"Hey, Jane," she greeted me. "What are you doing here?" she asked after she invited me in and we sat the couch in her living room.

"I stopped by to see you. I have a baseball practice. Do you wanna come to watch us again?" I invited her, hoping she would accept my invitation.

"Maybe some other time, Jane. I am kind of busy today."

"Oh, okay. No problem," I said, not knowing what to say next. It didn't even occurred me that she might be busy. I felt really stupid. But I just let it go - I came here for another reason than just invite her to my baseball practice. "Well, actually... uhm... I came by to tell you that I told my parents I like girls." I finally confessed to her straightforwardly. I wanted to tell her the good news.

"Oh my god. Really?" she asked and smiled at me happily, hugging me. "Are we happy about it?"

We? I liked the sound of it. But I liked her tight hug even more.

"Yeah," I nodded excitedly. "We are happy about it."

"And what did they say?" she asked and let go of my body, looking at me.

"I don't know... Not much, actually. I think they are still trying to process it."

"Are they okay with it?"

"My mother was a bit shocked at first but I think they'll accept it. Eventually they'll get used to it."

"I am so happy for you, Jane." She answered, still smiling at me. She seemed pleased about the news. I was happy that she was so excited about me, sharing my own happiness with me.

But I was nervous because I had one more thing to do. The thing was that I just didn't know how to begin. I didn't know how to ask her out. That was the main reason I went to her house after all. To tell her everything and ask her out on a date. She was the one who helped me realize many things and she was the main reason I told my parents. That was the first step - telling to my parents. And the next one was to ask Maura out. So I mustered my courage - I was finally going to ask her out on a date! I was so excited!

"I finally came out to my parents," I said to Maura. "So... I was wondering... uhm... do you ... do you wanna go out with me?"

"What?" She asked, surprised and looked at me.

"On a date," I quickly added to clarify things up.

"No," she answered quickly, looking down. "I am sorry if I misled you, Jane. I just encouraged you to come out to your parents but I have never said anything about us. We can't go on a date. I am sorry, I just can't do it."

I felt so ashamed and furious at the same time. I never expected she would reject me so abruptly. Didn't she like me? I though she did like me. Even Frankie reassured me about that. And I kiss someone only if I like that person. And plus, I hadn't seen her kissing other students on the mouth! I thought about it for a moment and in my mind appeared something. I picture of what happened a day ago. Joey Grant was being an ass, giving me that note and Mura obviously saw it. She must have seen what was written on it. And maybe she was afraid of the rumors. But that didn't justify her behavior. Her rejection. I was in dismay but also really angry at her. I was sure she rejected me because of the rumors about us at school - she must know about that.

"I see what's going on... You're scared. I think you were ready before but now you got cold feet. You are scared of what people would think if we go out. Obviously what matters the most is what people would think and say about you. And you were the one who told me I shouldn't care what people think. You're such a hypocrite!"

The words just spilled out of my mouth without any thinking, because I was so furious at her and I felt so hurt.

"Jane, calm down."

"No!" I said angrily and stood up from the couch. "Remember that speech you gave me about love? That some people hide themselves, repressing their own true desires? I think that you're doing the same thing. And that is so sad."

"That is not the same, Jane."

"Why? Because you don't like me? Why did you kiss me then? Huh?"

I just couldn't help it - I needed to know. I desperately wanted answers - an explanation for her refusal. After everything she did I was so sure that she like me back.

"Kissing you was a mistake," she confessed, looking down again. She couldn't even look at me in the face when she told me that hurtful words. A mistake!

"So I was a mistake? Alright then! The mistake is leaving!" I announced angrily, leaving her house.

"Jane, you don't have to go. We can talk about it if you just calm down," Maura said to me, but it was too late. I was already leaving. I didn't intend to sit there and spend even one more minute at her house. Not after what she said to me. I got out of her house in a hurry, going on my way to practice.

I felt so bad and humiliated. I felt so rejected. It hurt so bad. I didn't expect that Maura would reject me. I thought she liked me too. But she probably had no feelings for me and I was wrong. I thought that I humiliated myself by asking her out. I didn't even know why I did that. How could I do such a thing! My eyes were filled with tears but I tried to swallow them. Now is not a time to cry, Jane, I scolded myself. I had to go to baseball practice so I hurried to go there and tried to stop thinking about Maua. Maybe that would help me forget. Hitting the ball with all my strength, running around the field, getting focused on the game helped me forget about everything that happened but it didn't last long.

When I got home after the baseball practice, I had dinner with my family and then I went straight to my room. I was still upset but I tried to hide it during dinner. I knew I could talk with Frankie about everything that happened but after all, he wasn't a girl - he wouldn't understand me. And I wasn't in a mood to talk with anyone. I was suffering silently, trying to hide it from my parents. I couldn't tell anyone about what happened. Suddenly my mother appeared in my room. She didn't knock or something - she just entered without even asking first. I was still thinking about Maura but I tried to look nonchalant in front of my mother.

"Jane, what's going on?" she asked me after she sat on by bed, looking concerned about me.

"Nothing's going on. Why?"

"I see that something's wrong. So would you tell me what's going on with you. I know you don't like sharing with anyone but please, tell me what is it. You seem so upset about something. I can see that something's bothering you."

"No, Ma. I am fine," I said biting my lip harshly, trying not to cry in front of her. I really wanted to stay strong and pretend I was fine.

"I think I know why you are so sad... Look, Jane. I know that coming out was probably hard for you. And I didn't make it easier, did I?"

"No, Ma. It's not your fault."

"Maybe I reacted not the way you imagined but I was surprised, that's all. But that doesn't mean that I don't approve or anything of the sort. I am still proud of you, Jane. You could never disappoint me. I don't care whether you like boys or girls - that's not important. I will always be proud of you no matter what. You don't have to worry about anything. I'll always be there for you."

My mother thought that I was upset because of her. I felt so guilty that I couldn't tell her the truth.

"I know, Ma." I just said, trying to stay calm.

"Everything will be alright, honey." She reassured me and hugged me tightly.

"Ma, you know I hate hugs," I said but she hugged me even tighter in spite of me. "Ma, you're gonna strangle me."

"You can go to bed now," she said after she let go of me. "I'll stay here for a while and wait until you fall asleep."

"Ma, you don't have to-"

"I know, honey," she said, tugging me in with the bed sheet. "But I will."

"Okay," I shrugged and closed my eyes, trying to fall asleep. My mother was there, caressing my hair, soothing me. I felt a little bit better, knowing she was there for me.

AN: Thank you all of your interest and your reviews, I really appreciate it. Please R&R to let me know what you think about this chapter.