A/N: Many thanks to Hunhund for beta-ing the first half of this chapter!
And thanks to all of you guys who are following this story!
Elsa made a mental note to never make Anna angry again as she took in Hans' injuries on the hospital bed beside her. His head was covered in bandages; she could barely see any of his characteristic ginger hair. She had to give it to Anna; the girl knew where to hit. Apparently he was suffering from multiple cerebral contusions, and there was also the second-degree burn Elsa had given him when she whacked him with the fire poker.
She couldn't care less about the details, though. The nurse wheeled her in place next to him and reminded her, "Remember, hon, you've only got fifteen minutes."
They were indeed in a highly monitored section of the hospital, reserved for patients who were suspected or guilty of psychological instability, in danger of hurting themselves or others. Guards lined the exits and cameras monitored the hallways and patient wards. They evidently didn't encourage the company of outsiders. The door to Hans' room was open, and Alistair stood vigilant and watchful from the doorway. He stepped aside to make room for the nurse to exit when Elsa nodded her acknowledgement of the time limit.
Hans was handcuffed on one side to the bars on his bed. His head rolled labouriously toward her upon the nurse's departure, giving her a clearer view of his face. The bandages wrapped around his head extended down his forehead, ending at his brow ridge, and two slits of viridian glared back at Elsa under hooded lids. "What do you want?" He rasped, voice edged in hostility, with an undertone of pain. Whether it was from his injuries or from the news of Henry's death, she wasn't sure.
She didn't want to be here anymore than he wanted her to, but there was something she had to ascertain. "You knew, all along, that my mother wouldn't sign, didn't you?"
He laughed at her then, and replied, "I would've won either way, Elsa."
He no doubt had a trap laid for her at the location to where she was supposed to deliver the contract. And if she hadn't, judging from the camera in the ski lodge, he would have filmed himself slowly torturing Anna to death and sent it to them in retaliation for what Alana had done to Henry. The ridiculous conditions of the contract represented just how much he wanted to do the latter, and it made Elsa's blood boil with rage. "What exactly did my mother do to your brother?"
That ceased his laughter; his eyes narrowed and he spat, "Don't pretend you don't know! You're the same as your corrupt bitch of a mother! She threatened my father by hurting my brother right in front of him. And even after my father agreed to her ridiculous contract, she didn't stop until my brother was unconscious, on the brink of death, as if she was making an example of him." There was a long pause, the air between them stretched thin as a wire.
"Was there evidence?" Elsa asked him slowly.
There was a cold chuckle. "Of course not; she didn't leave any traces and it just looked like my brother was beaten half to death, left in an alley, by a bunch of thugs. And now," Elsa heard his voice crack, "he's dead. My little brother's dead." It was as if he was acknowledging this for the first time. It may have well been, Elsa realized; saying something aloud made it that much more real. "He's dead, and I couldn't protect him."
She watched as he covered his eyes with his unbound hand, and it took her a moment to register his shaking as silent sobs. An uncomfortable feeling of empathy overtook her, and she mentally berated herself; she was sympathizing with her enemy. She should have been relishing his pain; it should have felt like righteous retribution for what he did to Anna. But as much as she hated to admit, she understood. She understood the hate and anger. The wrath. Because those were the exact same feelings she bombarded herself with, every day.
"I should have killed your sister when I had the chance," he snarled, voice strained. "So you can despise yourself for not being able to save her. For not being able to protect her. So you can hate me, kill me, destroy me, while knowing nothing you do is ever going to bring her back. Nothing you do will ever make things right. No matter what you do, you won't be able to forgive yourself."
She hated it. She hated the message behind his words. Not only because of its meaning at face value, but also because it betrayed the internal torture Hans was feeling. She hated that she understood him. That she would have done the exact same thing if their places were reversed. If Anna had been hurt to the brink of death, she would no doubt have done something so reckless, so impetuous, that it may well have ruined her life just as Hans had destroyed his.
But the fury that was shredding coherent thought from when he declared he should have killed Anna almost forced the reason she had come to meet him right back down her throat. Almost. She took a moment to redirect, "Your father is being questioned by the police right now about his involvement in this."
His hand was still over his eyes, so she couldn't discern his reaction to this news. She could, however, hear the regret. "He doesn't have anything to do with this. If anything, he tried to stop me. He doesn't deserve this. He doesn't deserve losing both his sons."
That wasn't fair. What gave him the right to act so remorseful after saying something so loathsome only moments before? Why was he allowed to spout regret so raw that it very well forced her to believe his words? "Anna didn't deserve to be dragged into this, either," she rebuffed, "She didn't have anything to do with this."
"Neither did my brother!" He roared back at her. "Who do you think started this? It was your side! You people dragged my brother into this! He was just graduating from high school! His life hadn't even started yet, and now it's been taken away from him!" Another silence ensued. "Now… it's been taken away from him." The last line was barely above a whisper, tormented.
The nurse re-entered the room to remove her; her time was up. Elsa deliberated for a moment on whether to remedy her lie. She detested him, loathed his very existence, for everything that he had done to Anna. But she couldn't bring herself to let even him rain this hell on himself. "I will never forgive you for what you did to Anna, Hans. Never," she declared as the nurse unlatched the breaks on the wheels of her bed. "But I lied; your brother is still alive. He's still in a coma, but he is very much alive. And your father, if he is really innocent like you say he is, then I will not persecute him for your offense. You will pay for what you've done to Anna, Hans. But your family has suffered enough."
He didn't give her a response until she reached the doorway of his room. Elsa barely heard it, a tortured whisper carrying across the stagnant air of the room.
"Thank you."
Anna and Ariel were waiting for her at the exit of the psych ward, arms crossed, feet tapping impatiently, the motions so similar that they almost looked like sisters, with their red hair and blue-green eyes, although Anna had a Band-Aid across one cheek and a hand was swathed in bandages. Elsa had to stifle a snicker at the sight of them as the nurses wheeled her back down the hall to her room.
"What are you laughing at?" Ariel demanded. "We still think you're crazy for wanting to talk to him, by the way. What did you talk about, anyway?"
"About what my mother did to his brother."
Ariel looked at her curiously. "What exactly did she do? I've heard bits and pieces, but…"
"Hans said Henry was in a coma," Anna interjected, "But Mom would never do that, right?" The faith that was plain on Anna's face pierced Elsa like a spear.
God, sometimes Anna was too trusting for her own good. This was her own fault, Elsa relented, because she was so focused on protecting Anna from their mother that she never prepared Anna for the types of things that their mother was predisposed to do. She couldn't baby Anna forever; she knew that. But the innocence that her little sister bore was so precious and rare that Elsa wanted to do everything in her power to preserve it forever.
"I haven't heard it straight from her yet," Elsa admitted. "I do plan to approach the subject with her, though." She hadn't personally witnessed their mother doing anything horribly immoral; for all her threats, Alana had never actually laid a hand against Anna. The hostile ganders that Alana had evoked during the toast at the party were worrisome, to say the least, and it was plainly evident that there may have been foul play involved in the company's success; however, the history of every successful corporation had its fair share of secret deals, some were certainly less than lawful.
A sudden panic gripped her then, as she realized that Anna didn't know about their mother's apathetic reaction to Hans' threat. She shot a glance at Ariel, and the same uneasiness that reigned on Ariel's features told her that her friend had not had the heart to disclose this to Anna, either.
How was she going to tell Anna? That their very own mother was willing to abandon her for the sake of something as superficial as wealth?
Or was this just another addition to the destructive knot of secrets she kept from her sister?
"Anna," Elsa muttered when they reached her room. The door was closed and she had a sneaking suspicion that her mother was already inside. "Will you let me speak to Mother alone? Just for a little bit."
Anna opened her mouth to protest, but Ariel interrupted with a hand on her shoulder and a reassuring smile. "Baby steps," Ariel murmured, and Elsa sang a silent song of praise to her friend. Ariel could be a major pain in the ass sometimes, but the older girl's mastery of skillful perception was unmatched.
"Fine," Anna relented, a pout on her lips. "I'm giving you five minutes. Five. Minutes."
Elsa couldn't help but grin to herself at the adorable expression that accompanied the demand as the nurses opened the door and pushed her bed inside. As expected, Alana was already there, in her usual business attire, eyes cold and arms crossed.
"Let us know if you need anything else, dear," a nurse told her, and Elsa smiled in appreciation as the orderlies closed the door behind them.
As soon as they were alone, Elsa sorely pulled herself into a sitting position, waiting for Alana to speak, smile fading.
"And here I thought you couldn't possibly make any more foolish decisions," Alana scoffed, "But when I arrive I find that you're off talking to Hans Falk?"
"I thought you wanted me to marry him, Mother," Elsa retorted.
"That was just to test if you had learned anything in the past three years. I never intended to follow through a wedding with that vile family."
"Oh, I'm supposed to believe you now, am I?" How did things get so hostile, so quickly? Just looking at her mother was evoking her recollection of that day, locked in her office, bringing an enraged burn to her veins. "If I hadn't done anything, would you have left Anna to be tortured to death in front of a video camera?"
"He planned to kill her regardless, did he not? All I gave him was an excuse. My decision was sound."
Elsa bristled. "Is that how I should act if your life were threatened? Impassive?"
"Certainly better than blindly gallivanting into danger. I suppose you're expecting commendation for your heroic exploits."
She worked to rein in her anger. Thinking about Anna, waiting for her outside the door, propelled her feelings in a different direction. "I was talking to Hans about his motive. What did you do to Henry Falk?"
The sudden question seemed to take her mother by surprise. Alana paused for a moment, and then, "I haven't the slightest what you're talking about."
"I'm picking up after your mess," she almost growled, carefully watching her mother's response, "So I'd suggest you tell me the truth. Hans did this out of revenge for his brother. In return for something you did to his brother."
"I did give Walter Falk a little… incentive to sign the contract," Alana replied, ever the face of nonchalance. "I never thought that his oaf of a son would pull something so foolish. As soon as news of this kidnapping fiasco goes public, Walter Falk will have no choice but to amalgamate, to save the last shreds of his company."
Elsa decided that that was as close to a confession of guilt as she was going to get. "And it wasn't necessary to tell me this before I conducted negotiations with Falk Industries?"
Alana raised an eyebrow. "Why would that have been necessary? Nothing can be proven, so they will not act any differently. Neither should we."
There was a knock at the door, followed by the turn of the handle, and Elsa cursed under her breath. Had it been five minutes already? Knowing Anna, she probably timed exactly five minutes from the moment Elsa entered the room, not a second more, not a second less.
"Is it true, Mom?" Anna blurted before she was even through the doorway, Ariel huffing in tow, shooting Elsa an apologetic look. "Is it really our fault that Henry is in a coma?"
Elsa pinched the bridge of her nose and wished that she'd haggled for a longer time limit before turning to study her mother's reaction. Alana's countenance was always marginally softer in comparison whenever Anna was in the room, and Elsa couldn't help but wonder if her mother did have a heart, somewhere in there. Maybe it was wishful thinking, or maybe it was Anna's unparalleled ability to cast a warm glow on everything around her, but even their mother's frozen disposition melted ever so slightly when speaking with Anna.
"That is none of your business, Anna," Alana answered flatly.
"It's true," Elsa said to Anna, holding the piercing gaze that Alana shot her. This much, at least, Elsa could sincerely give Anna.
"Henry didn't deserve that! He didn't have anything to do with your contract, or business, or whatever! He's the same age as me!" Anna exclaimed, outraged at the revelation.
The exasperation and irritation emanating from Alana was almost tangible. Still, no emotion dared to grace her features. "He was just a means to an end, that's all. Collateral damage."
Elsa watched the horror drain into Anna's face as her younger sister slowly discovered the true abomination that was their mother. "That doesn't make it okay to do that to him! Are you going to do the same to me if Elsa doesn't do what you want?" Anna questioned relentlessly, in spite of the dismay that she was no doubt feeling at their mother's true nature and suddenly Elsa regretted divulging the truth to her.
Anna was being too reckless, dangerously treading on their mother's temper. Elsa wasn't sure how ready Alana was to make good on the threat, but she definitely did not want to push her mother to the point of finding out. She shot Anna a warning glance, a plea not to exacerbate the situation. "Anna—"
"No, Elsa, I'm not going to let myself be used against you, to force you to do things that you don't want to do. To force you to do wrongful things," Anna added, with a pointed look at their mother.
Alana seemed surprised at the determined expression her usually boisterous daughter was wearing at first, and then a sour smile spread across her face, one that made Elsa's stomach churn with unease. "Wrongful things?" There was a malicious humour embedded in her tone. "Oh, Anna, I wondered what it was about your stupidity that your sister finds so endearing that she has to protect it at all costs, but this is just priceless."
Elsa was used to Alana's sharp words, but she knew that Anna wasn't. And if years of enduring their mother's harsh tongue had not rendered Elsa immune to this verbal abuse, then one could only imagine how much they had stung Anna. She could handle their mother's unbridled cruelty, but the fact that Anna was being targeted along with her enflamed Elsa with an ardent desire to throw something at Alana and demand an apology.
To Elsa's amazement, though, her younger sister didn't falter, despite an unwillingness to continue plain on her face. "Regardless," Anna stated diplomatically, "I will not stand idle while my life is being used to blackmail my sister."
Their mother's expression turned thoughtful. "And what exactly are you going to do about it?"
"I believe I was in the process of proving to you that we don't have to use such underhanded methods to achieve our goals before I was so rudely interrupted by a result of your thoughtlessness," Elsa interrupted sullenly, barely able to keep her voice controlled and even. Anyone who looked at Anna with such a derogatory expression should be put to a slow and painful death, she decided, jaw clenched.
Alana laughed then, an empty noise ricocheting off plastered walls. "Your sister really is the source of all your vulnerability, Elsa. Don't think that she will not be used against you again and again, especially with that foolish attitude she so proudly carries."
At that, Elsa could sense the insecurity coming off of Anna in waves; she knew this was a tender subject for both of them. She reached for Anna's hand, returning her sister's look of surprise with a reassuring smile before turning her attention back to Alana. She was so done with this. Done with Anna having to suffer their mother's inhumanity. Done with Anna having to feel god awful about being used to threaten her.
So fed up with all of that, she played the only card in her hand that she had been reluctant to touch all these years, out of the tattered intrinsic respect she still had for their mother. "You groomed me to be able to lead a company, to be able to feed it, to be able to evolve it. But just as easily as I can do that, I can do the opposite as well. I can tear this company down, reduce it to ashes, burn it to the ground; if I unearthed all the horrendous things you've done to supply your success, I can guarantee our stock would drop so quickly and the power and wealth that you hold so dear will be so thoroughly destroyed that you'll regret even thinking about threatening Anna."
A hint of panic fell upon their mother's face, but Elsa was unable to enjoy the wave of satisfaction it brought because the bitter smile dancing across Alana's features, removing the alarm, caught her off guard. "So you've finally realized, have you, that the only way to defeat me is to become like me? Threatening me to get what you want? Does that make you any different from me?" With a darker tone, she added, "It's not going to make you any less of the failure you already are. Do you not realize, Elsa, that this company is your future? Your legacy?"
Failure. The word stung like a slap to the face. It had been almost ten years since she'd last heard that word directed at her, but it still tore through her like the bite of a rabid wolf, just as painfully crippling as when she was first labeled as such by her father.
Failure.
No mercy.
Unforgivable.
Pathetic. Pitiful.
She was so weak. One word. It was just one word. Two syllables. And it effortlessly dispelled all the anger that was coursing through her, stripped her of all the fight that she had mustered, leaving her cold and vulnerable like a cornered animal in the night, eyes stinging, cowering in fear. She willed the ground to open up and just swallow her, to cease her humiliating existence.
And her mother was right; what she was doing was exactly the same cowardly tactic her mother so shamelessly wielded: blackmail. She was threatening the company to control her mother. Was that any different from what Alana had been doing to her? What would Anna think of her? She really had become a selfish monster who stepped on others to achieve her goal.
"No." A clear voice cut through Elsa's despair. "Elsa's not like that. She's not like that. And she'll never be like that. She can lead the company, but she won't do it the way you have."
The hand gripping Elsa's tightened, and something warm chased away the cold shame and humiliation. She raised her head, and the faith and conviction she found blazing steadfast in Anna's eyes almost convinced her that what Anna had said was true.
She was so undeserving of it that it hurt.
There was an icy chuckle, and Elsa turned her attention to its source. "Just look at you two fools. Fine, I'll tell you what, Elsa, I'll give you a fair chance to prove this point of yours. Six months. You have six months of full sovereignty over Arendelle Corp's North American Branch, while I deal with the European office. At the conclusion of these six months, we'll use the company's stock market value as your evaluation. If it remains the same or increases, you'll have proven your point." Alana walked to the door. She stopped, and fixed Elsa with a chillingly arrogant smile. "If it drops, you'll be facing dire consequences for insubordination. Both of you. Do we have an accord?"
"Fine!" Anna promptly agreed, undaunted by the implications of failure.
Ariel let out a heavy breath as Alana left the room, and closed the door. "Wow, you guys had me breaking out in a cold sweat." She eyed Elsa warily; she knew from three years of rooming together that Elsa was inept in normal social interaction. "Can you really do it, Elsa? Without using underhanded tactics?"
Elsa gave them both a defeated glance and buried her face in her hands, "I don't know," she admitted.
"You can do it," Anna announced, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "I know you can."
"Anna, what's to stop me from being the same as Mother? I've already unwittingly uttered a threat against her. How do you know I won't end up using blackmail and hurting innocents to get what I want?" Elsa muttered into her palms, panic increasing exponentially. Again, she couldn't fail this. If she failed, there would be unspeakable consequences for both of them. And that if was becoming more and more like a when…
Resolute hands wrapped around her wrists, and pulled her out of her pit of dread. She shut her eyes and ducked her head; she didn't want to stare into those stubborn eyes again, the ones whose innocence she would have given anything to protect, because she was suddenly afraid that they would see her differently after how she had threatened their mother. Afraid that they would be carrying disillusionment and disappointment. Afraid that they finally saw her as the failure she was just as her mother and father had.
Act, some part of her mind implored her. Act like you're okay.
Pretend you can do this.
Pretend for her.
Don't show weakness. It's unforgivable.
"Elsa, look at me," Anna's sweet voice pleaded.
Elsa tried. She tried to find the cover of casualness that she always so cowardly hid behind. But she was so shaken, so utterly shattered by those two disgraceful syllables that she couldn't find the will to scrape her mask back together. She settled for keeping her eyes closed and head down.
"Elsa, I don't know what you're afraid of, but I know you're not going to use people. You're kind, Elsa. And I'm sorry—my god, I'm so sorry for letting you face this all by yourself for so many years. I can't believe I so ignorantly flaunted my happiness and freedom in front of you while you had to endure that all this time."
Why are you sorry? You deserve to be happy.
She didn't realize she had muttered that aloud until she heard Anna's choked response, "No, you deserve to be happy, too. I never knew that my happiness came at the cost of yours, but I'm not going to let you face that alone ever again. And I believe that you can do this, you can lead the company, without causing anyone else pain because you're kind, Elsa."
"I'm not," she whispered. "I'm not kind. I'm selfish. I'm a coward."
"You're kinder than anyone I've ever known, Elsa. And you know how I know that? You went to tell Hans, someone you hate to the very core, that his brother was still alive. Because you know how much it hurts to think someone you love is dead. You went to relieve him of that pain, even though you hate him so much, because you're kind. So yeah, I know you won't hurt innocent people, because you're too soft-hearted to even keep hurting your enemy, who definitely doesn't deserve any mercy."
She was so humbled by Anna's interpretation of her actions; she knew she didn't deserve any of it. She was shocked to find that she wanted to deserve it. She really wanted to live up to Anna's image of her. She was struck with a sudden urge—no, a need—to live up to what Anna thought of her. For once, just once in her life, she didn't want to run away. She didn't want to hide.
She wanted to change. She wanted to be someone Anna was proud of. She didn't want to fail Anna any more than she already had.
She wanted to stop running away.
Elsa was still surprised at the warmth in the eyes she lifted her head to meet, despite acknowledging Anna's unwavering faith in her.
"I believe in you," Anna said, eyes bright. "Won't you?"
She found that she really wanted to.
The ensuing week was about staying in bed, waiting for Elsa's stitched side, battered ribs and fractured leg to heal up enough so that she could get around and about without causing herself so much pain that she would pass out. Her mother had fulfilled her end of the deal; apparently the six months had started from the moment Alana had walked out the door of Elsa's hospital room.
Her room had been flooded with visitors ever since, from Gustav and Ivan bringing her all her missed paperwork to the company's lawyers discussing the lawsuit against Falk Industries to reporters inquiring about her staged death and the details of Anna's kidnapping. Each day was a blur of faces, a cacophony of voices, and a strict list of tasks to complete.
Elsa had sent Anna back to school; her younger sister had already missed three days because of the kidnapping and the subsequent hospitalization. Anna had protested, obviously, but Elsa knew that Provincial Exams were coming up along with graduation, and she would be damned if Anna missed those.
The cuts on her side were itching more than hurting now; apparently it was part of the healing process, but she was constantly fighting the urge to scratch at them. Hilariously, the bruises that were all over her body, and probably the least serious injuries that she has sustained, were the ones causing soreness when she tried to move. Over the course of the week, however, the soreness had subsided and the only ache that was left was that of her ribcage and leg. The nurses told her something about how she was lucky that she had broken her fibula and not her tibia, because the time to a full recovery would have been four months instead of four weeks.
She was glad that the week was over; she would finally be discharged today. Her lawyers had just pestered her yet again about her decision to not file charges against Falk Industries, only against Hans, and she swiftly dismissed them, adamant in her decision. Walter Falk had been innocent, and so was the comatose Henry, and she did not want to punish them for Hans' actions.
Elsa was collecting her titanium crutches and checking the room of anything she may have forgotten to pack when Ariel wheeled herself in. Anna was still at school; Elsa saw no reason for Anna to miss class just because she was being discharged. Alistair moved to gather her bags as she and Ariel exited the room.
"You sure you don't want to be wheelchair buddies with me?" Ariel teased.
"I need to get walking as soon as I can," Elsa retorted, "Besides, my injuries were not nearly as serious as yours," she added with a hint of guilt.
"We've been over this, Elsa; I don't need that face from you."
"Yes, yes," she relented, knowing better than to restart that argument with Ariel.
"You've been so busy all week; you've barely had time for me or Anna. Can we finally talk about your relationship with her now, please?" Ariel's tone was cautious; this was still a touchy topic to broach with Elsa, who still didn't really know the answer to that question.
When Elsa remained silent, the whack of her crutches against linoleum her only response, Ariel persisted, "You love her. She loves you; I really, really don't see what's holding you back. You've learned from the kidnapping ordeal that you obviously cannot decently function without her, so, seriously, Elsa, why the hesitation? And don't give me that sister crap. Your mother is temporarily out of the picture, too. So what's the problem?"
"I do need to talk to her," Elsa confessed with a sigh. She just wasn't sure what she was going to say yet. Or what she could say.
Ariel rolled her eyes. "Yes, it's taken you a month, a prom, a soccer game, a gala, and a kidnapping to finally come to this shocking conclusion."
They'd reached the car then, and spent most of the car ride in silence as Ariel's driver duly delivered them back to Arendelle Manor.
"You're not staying?" Elsa asked when Ariel made no move to exit the vehicle upon their arrival.
"I do have stuff I need to take care of, too, Elsa," Ariel replied in a mocking tone. "Anna will be home soon. Please talk to her."
They heard the sound of another car in the distance, and craned their heads to see Anna waving ecstatically at them from her chauffeur's vehicle as it sped down the road toward the manor.
Ariel's grin spread wider. "Speak of the devil. Don't you dare run away this time, Elsa." With that, she playfully shoved Elsa out of the car, and Elsa barely had enough time to prop herself up on her crutches before Ariel closed the door and instructed her driver to depart.
The driveway was just bustling today, as Ariel and her bodyguards backed out, Alistair's car drove in, followed closely by Anna's. Anna didn't even wait until the car was fully parked to swing open the door and hop out.
"Anna," Elsa began in a chastising tone, "I thought I told you to stay at school! I'm not going to spontaneously combust if you wait until three o'clock to come home."
"Ha! You're so cute; you thought I'd actually listen!" Anna stuck her tongue out, and smoothly replaced one of Elsa's crutches with herself. "—You don't need this one; I've got this side."
As heartwarming as it was to see her little sister so affectionately tucked under her shoulder, Elsa could not help but frown at the discomfort her weight was probably causing Anna.
"Stop that," Anna scolded before she could speak, "I can feel you guilting. Stop it."
"'Guilting' is not a real word," Elsa murmured in protest, but allowed her sister to support her through the front doors of the manor.
She was shocked to see The Carpet laid out for her; its gold lining glistening under the light of the crystal chandelier, and Gerda approached them, weaving through the maids lined up along its border.
"The Mistress has named you master of the house for the next six months, Ms. Elsa," Gerda explained, and the maids simultaneously curtsied as Elsa stepped before the abhorred velvet tapestry. "Welcome home."
"Gerda… it's not necessary to call me Miss Elsa," Elsa assured the older woman. "Just treat me like you did before." She refused to look at the carpet; it invoked nothing but negative emotions and loathsome memories, and she felt a strong urge to burn the damned thing. Instead, she declared, "I don't need a greeting like this. Just treat me normally. Put the carpet away."
"I always thought it was rather archaic to have a tradition like this," Anna nodded in agreement, "I am feeling very copacetic about your decision."
"When did you start using big words like that?" Elsa teased, and she would have brought her hand to flick Anna playfully on the forehead if it weren't preoccupied with holding her crutch in place.
Anna giggled, and Elsa decided that she was not able to hear that beautiful sound nearly as much as she wanted to. "Ever since my sister became the CEO of a billion-dollar corporation. I've got to start pulling my weight around here. Are you busy? Can we watch a movie?"
"When have you ever cared if I were busy?" Elsa chided, "I'm always busy. I am, after all, the CEO of a billion-dollar corporation." She said the last line with an exaggerated flair of elegance.
Anna grinned at her smugly, blue eyes glowing. "What if I said I have a box of chocolate truffles waiting for us in the theatre?"
"Well, that trumps everything, doesn't it? We absolutely have to give it top priority and consume it immediately."
So they laughed the entire way down the stairs to the theatre, and Elsa settled down onto the soft leather of the couch, waiting for Anna to choose a movie and put it on. Of all the movies they had, Anna decided on Mean Girls, and Elsa couldn't help but wonder if Anna was trying to tell her something as the gleeful redhead plopped down next to her and they began to share the chocolates.
She remembered having some sort of deep discussion with Anna when they first watched this particular movie, and they came to the conclusion that the main theme of the story was that power corrupts everything.
"It's astounding," Anna had said, an incredulous frown on her face.
"What is?" Elsa asked.
"I don't know—Cady was so innocent and stuff in the beginning, but she ends up turning into what she hates—it's stupid."
Elsa still hadn't understood. "Why is it stupid? She's trying to fit in. Isn't that what everyone wants to do?"
"There's nothing good about fitting in if it makes you forget who you really are," Anna had asserted. "If you have to conform, you never belonged."
"Maybe she felt that there was nothing valuable in who she really is," Elsa had muttered in reply. She was glad that Anna hadn't heard her.
Now that they were watching it again, Elsa couldn't stop herself from drawing parallels between her own life and the main protagonist's. The girl who turned into the same hated monster that she wanted to defeat in the process of trying to defeat it. She couldn't help but wonder if she would end up just as blinded as her mother and become indiscriminate in destroying the lives of others just to maintain her power.
"Your pensive gaze is about to burn a hole in the TV," Anna interrupted her thoughts by shoving a truffle at her. "You better start eating these, because there will be none left if you dawdle."
Elsa paused to savour the delectable flavour of chocolate spreading across her tongue. "You remember that talk we had when we first watched this movie?"
Yeah," Anna murmured, stuffing herself with another truffle. Elsa watched as look of comprehension set in on her sister's face. "You think—you're still worried about turning into Mom?"
"Why not? This movie illustrates just how easily it could happen," Elsa sighed as Anna waved another handful of chocolate at her. "Cady Heron was a kind, sweet girl in the beginning, and look how she turned out!—And Anna! You're eating like a pig! Slow down!"
Anna made an indignant noise, her mouth full of chocolate. "Excuuuuse you! I do not eat like a pig! And also! Cady Heron didn't have an awesome, super attractive, redhead sister who would not hesitate to smack some sense back into her," Anna grinned, and popped another truffle in her mouth. With a more serious look, she added, "You need to give yourself some credit, Elsa. Her transformation was subtle, yes—probably unintended, too—but the point of the movie isn't how she inadvertently turns into a monster, but how she fixes it once she realizes that she has. There's always a choice, Elsa. And in the end, she chose to be who she really was, not who she was forced to be—oh god, that sounds so cliché; I'm sorry—I wasn't thinking again, heh."
When did Anna become so philosophical?
There's always a choice. For some reason, those particular words resonated the most with Elsa. Was there always a choice? She was raised to think that she never had a choice; she had to be the heir; she had to be alone; she had to be perfect; she could not afford mistakes. She didn't choose this life. She didn't choose this family. Was she still allowed to choose who she was?
Her mother obviously didn't think so. Alana wanted her to be controlling, merciless, cold, with only the goal of more power in view.
But she had decided to change, didn't she? She didn't choose to be a coward. Or maybe she did. But now, she wanted to choose not to be. She wanted to stop running away from failure. She wanted to stop herself from shaking with fear every time she thought about her father. She didn't want to be weak anymore.
"… Oops," Anna's sheepish mutter broke Elsa's cloud of thought. She looked down curiously, and saw that there was only one truffle left. She briefly wondered how Anna had managed to devour a whole box of truffles in the span of about five minutes.
"Should we settle this like we used to?" Elsa teased, holding out a fist.
Anna smiled bashfully back at her, seemingly embarrassed by her uncontrollable consumption of the chocolates, and held out her fist.
"Rock," Elsa began.
"Paper—HEY!"
Elsa had swiftly swept up the last piece of chocolate and popped it into her mouth, smirking playfully at Anna.
Anna gasped, indignity seeping into an impish scowl, "You did not!"
Elsa's smirk grew wider at Anna's disbelief, turning into a smug smile.
Anna glared good-naturedly at her, "I am going to wipe that smile off your face."
Elsa suddenly regretted provoking Anna when she caught the predatory hunger that flashed in Anna's eyes as the younger girl leaned closer to her and pushed her against the leather arm of the couch.
Her heart broke into a sprint in her chest. "Anna, n—"
Anna silenced her with a hard kiss, one hand on her jaw to tug open her mouth, tongue sweeping inside aggressively to retrieve what was left of the stolen chocolate, the gesture effortlessly wiping away all of her coherent thought.
Her heartbeat was so loud in her ears that it drowned out the movie in the background and all she could focus on was the feeling of Anna's lips on hers, the taste of chocolate between them, and a burning desire for more.
Her hands found their way to Anna's hips, and she unwittingly dragged the younger girl closer so that she was almost straddling her lap. Elsa couldn't stop herself from moaning into the kiss and felt Anna's lips spread into a smile in response, tongue teasingly flicking at a bit of chocolate at the corner of Elsa's mouth before pulling away.
"Now we can say we shared the last one," Anna smirked at her, a slight pink tinge on her cheeks.
Elsa wanted to growl at the loss of contact, but logic crept back into her mind and, realizing where her hands were, she released her hold on Anna's hips, a single thought forcing her back into the harshness of reality.
You've failed as a sister, too.
She tried to push that thought away.
She ignored the brief disappointment that flickered across Anna's face at her lack of initiative to extend the moment, and focused on the empty box of chocolates instead. "We could've shared all the other ones too, if you hadn't stuffed them down so fast," she joked, trying to redirect her train of thought. She didn't actually mean that they could have, but she couldn't think of anything else to say that wouldn't reveal her current state of mind.
Anna's eyes widened and her blush spread to her ears; obviously she had not been expecting that. She bit her lip, and Elsa could almost see her mentally berating herself for polishing off the chocolates so quickly. The effect was so satisfying that it temporarily dispelled the negative voice in her head, and Elsa couldn't stop another smirk from spreading across her face.
"So you want more," Anna countered cheekily, and it was Elsa's turn to redden.
"Five is enough for now," Elsa retorted.
"Five? You don't count the accidental one at the hospital as an actual kiss, do you?" So, they were both keeping count.
Oh, it was time to tell her. Elsa wouldn't miss this delicious opportunity to tease Anna. "You actually gave me quite a passionate kiss that night almost three years ago when I dragged you back from that party."
Anna inhaled sharply in surprise, and her jaw unhinged. "Wha—you—I—what—how—gah—!"
Elsa brought a hand to her mouth to stifle her laughter; Anna's stunned stuttering at the revelation was much more satisfying than she could have imagined. She was laughing so hard that it almost brought tears to her eyes. She couldn't remember the last time she was so amused.
Anna's face had turned so red that Elsa was afraid she would soon spontaneously burst into flames, and the redhead was still having trouble forming intelligible words. Elsa managed to suppress the rest of her mirth into a wide smile, and she almost felt sorry for poking fun at Anna like that. "Sorry; there was probably a better way to break the news that you threw your first kiss at me." She had meant to remedy the situation, but her words seemed to have the opposite effect; Anna was looking so embarrassed that she could pass for a ripe tomato.
Deciding to spare her sister, Elsa took a deep breath to clear away the rest of her giggles and caressed the top of her sister's head, the way she always did when the girl needed comfort. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about," she whispered, still unable to wipe her smile off her face.
Anna ducked her head, and she probably would have covered her face with her hands if Elsa hadn't been holding one of them the entire time. "Just when I thought I couldn't be more embarrassing," Anna replied quietly. "Never, ever, give me alcohol in your presence again."
Elsa laughed, "Don't worry, I made a mental note about that a long time ago. You're not embarrassing," she added. "You're so adorable. I wish I deserved you."
"Okay, can I make something perfectly clear?" Anna fixed her with a steady stare, smile fading.
Elsa blinked.
"You're not allowed to say that again unless you tell me exactly what you mean."
"Okay," Elsa nodded.
"Okay… you're going to tell me?"
"Okay, I won't say it again."
Anna sighed. "I really wish you'd just talk to me. It's like something is eating you up inside and I wish you'd let me help."
Elsa was saved from having to answer by the sound of Anna's phone vibrating on the coffee table. Anna shot her phone a murderous glare, and Elsa reached over to check the caller ID. "It's Rapunzel. You should answer."
Anna frowned impatiently at her phone and looked tempted to reject the call but reconsidered. "What!" she yelled into the speaker.
Elsa eyed the baby Scar charm still dangling from the corner of Anna's cell and smiled to herself, reaching into her pocket to trace the outline of the baby Mufasa charm that still accompanied her own phone.
"—Can't I do that tomorrow? Uggggghhhhh… okay, okay, I get it." She hung up.
Elsa looked at her, curious. "So what's up?"
"They moved our grad gown fitting session to today," Anna groaned. "I have to go back to school. I mean, I'd rather blow it off and stay here, but…"
"… But even you can't afford to risk tripping over your grad gown when you walk across the stage to receive your diploma because you didn't bother to try it on," Elsa finished.
"Yeeeeah…" Anna sighed again. "That'd be pretty embarrassing, even for me."
"Well, get going, then."
Anna pouted at her, "I'll be back as soon as I can!"
"Rapunzel wouldn't even have needed to call you if you'd just stayed at school like I told you," Elsa reminded her, exasperated.
Anna gave her a harrumph, and moved to exit the room. "I'd have missed an opportunity for an amazing kiss if I'd stayed at school, though!" And her subsequent laughter at Elsa's response echoed down the hall as she ran off.
Warmth of the moment dissipated, Elsa pulled her legs onto the couch and hugged them to her chest, resting her head on her knees.
You don't deserve her.
You're a failure.
Failure as a sister, failure as a child, failure as an heir.
"Stop it!" She yelled at no one.
You're a coward, too.
"I'm not," she whispered desperately. "I'm not a coward."
Then stop running away.
"What did you mean, my father made mistakes too?" Elsa had asked Alistair sometime during her week at the hospital, when she finally had a moment to herself.
"You'll find the answer in your father's study," he told her.
She wasn't going to be a coward anymore, she told herself, as she approached the dimly lit hallway that led to her father's study.
The study. The emotionless, soundproof room that she'd had her sessions with him in. Embedded in the darkest corner of the house, she used to think. Its location in the dark corridor of the basement was most befitting of its purpose.
She had avoided this place for ten years. Ten years, she had been running away from the memories, the lessons, and the unanswered pleas that lay scattered and abandoned on the cold wooden floor of her father's study. When there was no reason to enter this place again, she had avoided it, fled from it. She had tried to forget it, but there could be no forgetting when evidence of its existence stretched on in the ugly imperfections across her back.
She didn't know how long she stood there, staring at the blackness before her, but she pushed herself to take a step, and then another, toward the end of the hallway.
Her heart thumped painfully in her chest as the sound of her crutches hitting the polished stone floor echoed off the shadowy walls, rhythm speeding up as the distance between her and the room shrank.
The polished golden handle of the door guarding the secrets of the room flickered, reflecting the meager light of the lamps on the walls, blinking as if it were daring her to come closer.
Insides twisting with apprehension, heart hammering in her chest, she lifted one hand from a crutch. It hovered over the handle, frozen, as if there was an electric current running through the gold, ready to shock her the moment she touched it.
Open it.
Her fingers were trembling. Her breath coming in gasps. Suddenly, the air was stifling, suffocating, and a harrowing pressure was building in her chest.
Ten years.
Ten years, and she was still reacting as if her father were waiting for her inside. As if she were still preparing to be struck by the cold steel of his belt. As if she would still be punished for all her mistakes.
Move.
Move.
And then the voice in her head wasn't hers anymore, but his.
You coward.
You're a disgrace.
You're a failure.
You understand why this is happening, don't you?
"Stop," she whimpered, her other hand clutching her stomach, insides contorting with panic.
You know you deserve this. You know what you've done to deserve this.
You're not perfect.
You've made so many mistakes.
You deserve the pain. The loneliness.
She squeezed her eyes shut, as if it would block out the voices.
What made you think you could deserve Anna?
She was shaking, and she couldn't stop. Just like ten years ago.
What made you think you're worthy of forgiveness?
"Stop it," she begged, voice small and weak in the vast emptiness of the dark hallway.
What made you think you could change, that you could stop being a failure?
Tears fell onto the cold stone.
When will you stop being a fool?
What made you think you had a choice?
You think you can escape this?
Ten years, and she still couldn't free herself of his haunting lessons, his merciless voice.
You failure.
You're pathetic.
You're nothing.
Her stomach convulsed, and she let out a choked cry before clutching a hand to her mouth. She dropped her crutches and raced to the nearest washroom, emptying the bile that rose in her throat into the toilet, ignoring the aching pain in her leg.
So this is what failure tastes like.
She hauled herself up to clutch the border of the sink, and turned on the water, desperate to wash the taste of failure and cowardice from her mouth, sobs escaping from her trembling lips, averting her eyes so as not to look in the mirror, deathly afraid of what abomination would be staring back at her, judging her.
Disgusting.
You are disgusting.
"Stop it!" She implored, hands trembling so hard that she couldn't hold herself against the marble counter anymore, and she sank to the ground, breaking down in a pool of self-hatred.
"—Elsa!"
No. Oh, god, no, please.
Why did Anna always have such impeccable timing?
Don't let her see me like this.
Move.
Get up, failure.
But she couldn't stop the sobbing any more than she could stop the trembling or the voices. She couldn't control herself.
"Elsa! Oh, my god, Elsa, what the hell is going on?" Anna hurriedly got to her knees beside her, grabbing her shoulders, trying to look her in the eye. "Are you okay?"
Stop being so humiliating.
You're so weak.
Don't let her see your weakness. Your disgraceful vulnerability.
But she couldn't, she couldn't put those walls up, she couldn't collect herself, she couldn't pretend to be okay, she couldn't act like she was fine, she couldn't, she couldn't, she couldn't.
She couldn't stop crying. She couldn't stop trembling. And it was just adding to her pit of failure, her pit of weakness, her pit of self-loathing. And she couldn't stop it.
"No," she confessed through tears, for the first time in her life, "I'm not okay."