Chapter 53: Epona's Origins

AN: Nay gueys! (AN: Gedtidit becaus de a chapter about Epoch!) Zis well tale aboot her organs and wyatt she johned Temple! Tim should join a nuclear complany that is bad at nuclear safet and then hel get nuke poison an dye. But in all seriousness guys, I'm kind of panicking. I want to have a Switch by my birthday (the 18th), but I don't know anywhere to get one. I know it's something dumb to worry about, but I just really want to have a Switch so I can play the new Zelda. So, if any of you know somewhere that I could get a Switch, please tell me in the comments. Thank you!

Chaptre Fifteytoo Recap!: Domino wants 2 keel lonk, lunk luvs da novella shack, he sings da song, naviy is sad, she is shooted away by Dubai, nary takes t2 dark pot, Incases/Bane best shit i mean ship, thay go f4 grunch, Mahjong keals sum chimps, she gohgs 2 c lync, she tinks drape is a gale, she one punches him an it kills whatever pure evil monster made other m, an needy johns teingle.

Chaptre beggin!

The members of the Tingling Sensation—which seems to basically be just an unholy combination between the MemeMemeMeme Brigade, Cute Toot House, League of Super Evil, and the Big Bads—were all gathered round the campfire to sing that one song from SpongeBob.

"Hey, this seems like a good time for STORYTIME!" exclaimed Hannibal.

And so everyone told a bunch of stories. Hannibal told about some of his favorite recipes, Waldo didn't say anything because he was hiding, Ben told a bunch of generic Creepypasta stories, L told a 30 minute long story about a candy cane he ate, Blair told about a bunch of slutty stuff, Moe screamed about some guy that cut in front of him on the road last month, DJ Octavio played some funky tunes, Karen talked about the Switch because it's her only joy in life, Linkle talked about some sex-murders she took part in and grossed everyone out what's she doing on this team she's just a psycho tingle better have a good plan behind letting her join it, and Nebby talked about hating bags. Tingle wasn't there because he was presumably working on some evil plan or something.

But one person had not said a word the entire time. "Hey Epona," said Hannibal. "We've all know Tingle for a while now, but you've known him for longer than all of us! Why did you decide to start working with him?"

Epona thought for a second.

A few years earlier:

Link AKA pure evil was at a horse race, as he forced Epona to take part in it. She was just a regular horse at the time, but Link treated her like garbage.

Dis was a lung tim ago, bech when undertail first came out (of the closet GEDDITYEKTHAHAHAH!) and everyone listened to songs like Party Ruck anthem and Gangam Style an da Hartline Shack. Ever since MatPat gave the Pope undertail, he became completely obsessed with it, changing his name from Pope Francis to Pap Sansis. He also prints out all Bibles in Comic Sans and does his religious ceremonies in full cosplay.

"CUMIN EPONYM U BETTER WIN DIS RACE OR ILL F*CKIN CUT YA MATE!" he britished even though hes not british so it was all just weird. "I BET A F*K TUN OF MUNEY ONN DIS SO U BUTTER NUT LOOSE!11"

"Hey, Link," said Navi. "Wait, what the f*ck are you eating?"

"Dese r medium rare chicken strips an dere da best!"

"That looks extremely disgusting, and you're probably going to get salmonella from them."

"Y wood i get samonalla dis is chickens nut samen!" And then the audience laughed because it was a COMPLETELY ORIGINALIL JOKE THAT I DID NOT STEAL FROM TUMBLR!

"Listen, Link! It probably would be a bad idea for you to eat that, as it is extremely under-cooked and could kill-"

"SHOOT DA *UCK UP KNOBBY DA RACIST IS ABOUT 2 START!"

And so the race began. Epona ran to the best of her ability, but because of her extensive injuries that Link gave her, she wasn't able to make it much past the starting line before collapsing.

"F*K!" screamed Link.

"Ha b*ch," laughed Darunia, who also had a hose in the raise.

"u funky pitch," Lin sid 2 Darude Sandstorm. "I CANUT LOOSE ITS ALL BONANZA'S FAULT AND NAVI FR*NK U!"

"Ha u lozer now pay up or ill call da mafia on u. U just losted $9050 dollars!" sed Darmanitan.

"ONO!" Link onoed. "ITS-"

"Please don't say it," Navi said.

"ITS OVER 9000!1111"

Navi groaned.

"O yah i forgetted dat i dont have dat much mons, so u get a job to pay it off navy!"

"What?!" exclaimed Navi.

"Yah juest get a job as a hooker or somthin!"

"I'm literally just a floating ball with wings, so how the f*ck would that work. And plus, you're the one that lost the money, why don't you get a job instead of watching PewDiePie for the entire day?"

"ITS BECADE URE A LITTLE BOTCH NOW GET A JOBE!"

And so Navi was forced to get a job at KFC to pay off Link's debt.

Later:

Link dragged Epona home into the stables. "Okai Elena. U failed mii 1 last tim! Now im gonna half 2 put u 2 sleep! But 1st ill torture u two make you're death slow and painful! Almost as slow as u were in dat race u f*kign beech."

Epona started to panic, neighing for help.

"Oh ammonia, dew u relly tink dat u will bee able 2 get a way? well yere sooooooo rong yere gonna dye right here an know one will save you! An navi wheel never know about dis, she's at work an has know idea we're hear! Now lets start da FUN!"

Link tied up Epona to keep her from escaping and took out a knife. With his first cut, Epona cried out in pain. "Wow yere such a baby u have know ideal now much dis will heart!" Link continued cutting, making small cuts that aren't enough to kill, but are enough to cause extreme pain. Epona struggled under the ropes, but to no avail.

"Oh eponeeee i half an idea howe aboot i get some HOT WATER!" Linky pulled out a container filled with boiling water and poured it all over Epona's skin. It was so hot that much of her skin began to burn off, as Epona shrieked in pain.

"O yah oh yes im so tuned on write now i chant tank it any more! I half 2 leave 2 go masticate butte ill be bach in 5 minuets 2 finish u of!" Link took a knife he found and stabbed it through Epona's side so that she wouldn't escape. "Boy Epinions ill c u soon 2 painfuly funish u off BI!"

Just as Link happily skipped out the door to get to the masticating, Tingle happened to be walking by. "Why is Link covered in blood?" He got an evil smile on his face. "I wonder just what the hero of time is up to!"

The evil fairy man peered through the door, spying Epona's injured body on the floor. "Oh, man. This is some good shit right here. I can't believe that Hyrule's hero has become such a monster! How hilarious!"

Yes, it is certainly interesting, Popplio said in Tingle's mind. (AN: Remeber dat 1 chap how Pip is in Tin's head?) Those goddesses definitely did a number on him. But wait...I sense some power coming from Epona. Is it...the Force?

"I can feel it as well. If we're correct and Epona does possess this power, she might be just the ally we need for our plan. How long do you think she can survive like this?

She'll be dead within an hour if we leave her alone, but with proper medical attention, she'll be able to make it.

"Good. Now let's get back to the base. If this succeeds, we'll have the first member of our team."

And so Tingle rescued Epona and healed her back to health. Her body was too damaged to do much good, so he had her turned into a cyborg and gave her the ability to speak. He also taught her to master the force, and she is now the Sith Lord Darth Epona, loyal only to Tingle.

Tingle had a fake head made and put it in Link's bed just to screw with him, and so the story began.

"Tingle saved me from a complete monster," Epona said to the group. "If it wasn't for him, I would be long gone. And so, I shall stay loyal to Tingle forever."

Meanwhile:

Sara was at her base looking at magazines with pictures of hot guys to keep herself from having gay thoughts, when a young goth girl walked into the room. "Ono! Are u goin 2 rap me?"

"No i am hear to join you. I am Dally Darkblood and i used to work with taht bitch Enoby but now i realise that we should work togeter insteed."

"Butt whi?"

"Its becase we both hate fa-"

(AN: WHAT THE F*CK YOU CAN'T SAY THAT WORD IN MY FANFIC)

"You f*ckin p*ssy. fine i wont. But we shoud team up becase we both now the truth about gays an can finaly put a stop to them."

"Mabe u ned some mor help!" sed a voic.

"Wow r u an angle?" assed Sara.

"Yes my name is Cluod. I have blonde hair, but not lick that other fa-"

(AN: SIRIUSLY U CNT SAY THAT GUYS!)

"Fin but i think i shold join u guys!"

"Lets dew this!" sed Sara an den day did an epic pose for the camera but this is a fanfaic and they're isnt a cam so i bet they feel reel stupid right now.

AN: Someone else that should feel stupid is tim you fu*ing ash. SO NOW WE HAVE A NEW TEAM! Lets see what Sara, Dally, and Cloud can do together! And will Ebony start her own team to fight theirs? Also, does anyone have any idea of what the teams should be called, and who will join Enoby? By the way, no one in the story is allowed to say the f word, (Not f*ck, but the homophobic one) because I thought that it would be too mean even for this story. I stole the idea for the medium rare chicken strips from pastelpittootie on Tumblr so TANKS. Also link is a dutch bag who is evil and must dye just like an asian boy i know. I probably won't have a Switch by my birthday this Saturday, but hopefully I can get it soon. When I play Breath of the Wild, I'm going to post a chapter about it, but I can't do that until I play the game! Also, I'll try to post a new chapter on my birthday (or maybe earlier) so stay tuned!