Yay near back to back upload.

So here's my first rant. The Sensibility rant.

"In which I rant about your shit not making sense dawg."

Something I notice too often with fanfiction is authors that don't search for plot holes. They don't deliberately try and poke holes in their own story to see what those holes are.

Now, you might be wondering why would I deliberately want to find out why my story is bad, and there's a very good reason for that: So you can fix it. So you can patch it up.

But the other side of not making sense is when something, like actually doesn't make sense. It's those 60 percent of the time, it works every time moments. I'm fine with those in a comedy, or even delivered as a single line, but often times there are times where entire plot points, character arcs, etc, hinges on these kinds of moments that DO NOT MAKE FUCKING SENSE.

Now, if you are a very sensitive author, do not read on as it is possible I will be using your fanfiction or a moment from your fanfiction as an example. I am not in any way shape or form encouraging hate towards any fanfiction that I use to show my point; the reason I write this is so that writers get better. PLEASE do not actively seek out and send flames at anyone I use.

Part 1: Sixth Period Study Hall

Author: leighismyname

Chapters 15-18

Sixth Period Study Hall is already a story that dances around absurdist plot points and soap opera elements, but the story reaches levels of insanity during 4 chapters towards the middle of the story.

In these chapters, Octavian (a school shooter) goes on a killing spree at the school where the main characters are staying. The entire sequence does not make sense. None of it.

Firstly, Octavian, alone, should not be able to keep everyone under control for ten minutes, let alone hours. The fact that he is not subdued, taken down, or has anything bad happen to him for nearly the entirety of this sequence is frankly absurd; at no point does anyone of the presumably hundreds upon hundreds of students and faculty attempt to overpower him and take the gun from him.

This combined with the fact that Octavian leaves the room for at least half an hour at a time, and in that time no one is able to stop him or escape or devise a plan to stop him not including the main characters.

This coupled with the absurdity that Octavian's plot involves forcing people to fight to the death on a roof Coliseum style. This does not make sense: why would anyone do this? How would anyone do this? And again, how did no one overpower Octavian during this whole mess.

Then there are things that should happen in the aftermath of this sequence that don't: None of the seven or any of the students seem to show any long-term psychological effects from this event that would certainly cause PTSD, except Annabeth but she already has depression, anxiety, etc. None of them are questioned by the police on the event, and Leo is not charged with the crime of what could very easily be called attempted murder in which he shoots Octavian whilst the boy is unconscious. (This is not self-defence! This is assault! Just because the victim was bad does not erase the crime!)

The dialogue is campy and does not match the situation (Octavian and the seven joke around as if they are friends or at least acquaintances and not a school shooter and his potential-to-be victims.

However, the most nonsensical part about this sequence is the police. The police are virtually non-existent in all of these chapters: the story says that they are called hundreds of times and that the whole sequence spans hours or potentially days (I don't remember if an exact figure is given), and yet our main characters ultimately have to deal with Octavian themselves. This is absurd.

The Virginia Tech massacre is a tragedy that many still remember. In April 2007 student Seung-Hui Cho perpetrated a massacre that ultimately resulted in 33 dead, including Cho himself. In the universe of this fanfiction, that would make it the second deadliest school shooting in US history, with the number one spot being taken by the shooting depicted in this fanfiction.

During the Virginia Tech massacre police took 3 minutes to arrive at the scene and 5 minutes to enter the campus. And there was still criticism thrown their way for not entering fast enough.

Let me reiterate. In the time between the police becoming aware of the situation and them being in a position to deal with it, less than ten minutes had passed.

In this story, multiple hours, possibly days pass, and nothing happens despite literally hundreds of calls.

What the fuck.

Nothing about this sequence makes sense. But as they say, pointing out flaws without providing a solution is just whining and is not constructive.

So here's my solution.

The first thing I would recommend for anyone who wants to write about a situation as serious as a school shooting is to research other school shootings to see how it usually goes.

So, as we're using a school shooting as a backdrop, then you have to take into account the main things that would happen in a school shooting.

Firstly: Speed. School Shootings happen quickly. If your school shooting happens over the period of an hour, then anyone paying attention won't buy it because it will seem unrealistic, and too much like a departure from reality. This is ok if the setting is a departure from reality, but Sixth Period Study Hall is set in the modern day at a modern day US school.

Secondly: No bullshit. As compelling as it is for the story, don't do anything in your school shooting that is not plausible or likely. The School Shooter will not attempt to force kids to fight to the death, and if he did, he would most likely fail. The main characters will not singlehandedly deal with the School Shooter without help from adults or police. The police will be there to deal with it. They will not be held up by anything. There will no banter exchanged by the school shooter between anyone. And the only people laughing, smiling, being happy during the event are people having a nervous breakdown.

If it didn't happen at Sandy Hook, or Columbine, or Virginia Tech, do not do it.

Thirdly: Do not use stupid to justify not stupid. Annabeth has a perfectly reasonable reaction to her experience during the shooting, however her experience during the shooting is ridiculous. Octavian forcing kids to fight to the death is stupid, I'm sorry to say. Annabeth's reaction could've been just as easily attained from something far more realistic or likely, like being trapped in a classroom, not knowing what to do, thinking she might be about to die. I know you want to go to crazy heights to show how despicable Octavian is, but seriously, straight up murdering kids for no reason other than your own problems is already pretty fucked up m9.

So taking into account all I've written, here's how I would rewrite the sequence, italics ending where the rewrite begins:

A loose thread was in my fingers and I twirled it around, scared to pull it harder and ruin the whole sweater. When I get in class I'll cut it off.

The rest of the assembly was boring. The principal's speech was not something I was interested in. Time moved so slow, by the end of the assembly I felt a thousand years old.

We shuffled back to class. Great. I had math. None of the people from study hall were there. I really wanted to talk to Percy, but I couldn't remember about what.

In class I sat next to Katie Gardner. I liked Katie. She was a nice person, a little hot-headed, sure, but overall nice. She was really into nature and conserving the environment, and she was going out with Travis Stoll.

The math teacher, a man named Mr. Grant, was talking about Pythagoras theorems and triangles. Normally I'd be really into this, but my mind was elsewhere.

Something felt off. I'd had a bad feeling since the start of the day. That's what I'd wanted to talk to Percy about. My mom had used to be into that stuff. She didn't believe in astronomy, star reading, those things, but she said always trust your gut.

My head pounded. My gut was screaming at me that something was wrong.

My head was pounding.

My head was pounding.

I heard a crash like a gunshot. I knew it was just in my head. My head was pounding.

Katie looked at me and said: "Do you hear that?"

I looked at her. Was it just in my head?

And the glass window overlooking the corridor exploded.

Screams, yells, cries. People ducked for cover. Gunshots exploded into focus, near deafening me as they racketed the corridor outside. I briefly heard someone running. Another loud gunshot. The running was gone.

We all ducked for cover under the desks, and Mr. Grant ran to the window to open it.

Percy, I thought. Oh my god, Percy.

Was he dead? He could be dead. Anyone could be dead.

My head was pounding. Who was shooting?

"OUT! OUT! OUT!" Someone was yelling. Gunshots exploded. My mind focused.

We weren't sheltered. If he came for us, we could all be dead. "OUT! OUT! OUT!" And it was Mr. Grant, I knew, and it was the window. People weren't moving. People were frozen.

No. I was frozen.

And I moved, and I joined the rush of students out the window. Police sirens. More gunshots.

A shadow moved in the corridor a boy with a mess of blonde hair. An ugly, sleek gun.

I heard a shot.

It was Katie Gardner. Her leg. And she screamed out and the shooter fired more.

Another boy, his name Ethan Nakamura. I knew him. He made funny jokes. His brain was all over the wall.

And Mr. Grant was outside, wrestling for control of the gun. What was going on?

My head was pounding.

Red and blue flashed across everything. Police sirens colouring the world. The world was red and blue.

What the hell was going on?

A man, all in black, moving in through the window. More than one. Ten. Some of them stopped, to make sure we were alright.

Yeah. Ethan's alright.

Black.

Red.

Blue.

My head was pounding.

And before I knew it, I found myself crying against the wall. And the voices of those I'd known swam through my thoughts.

Any of them could be dead.

I could see Percy's face in my head, smiling. I could see Ethan Nakamura telling a joke. I could see Percy, and Leo, and Piper, and more. Jason. Hazel. Frank.

Any of them could be dead.

My head was pounding.

Red and blue.

So it's kind of embarrassing to write that. I'm out of practice, but I tried my best to convey the confusion and the shock of being involved in a situation like that, Annabeth not being able to comprehend what has come over her.

If you would like to see more posts of this nature, be sure to say so in the reviews.