No seriously this is a mega chapter. Writing this was pain.

Yt and binding of Isaac got me distracted

someone said that fanfiction shouldn't make sense cause that's the point. That person is daft. No fiction should be given an excuse for being bad or having problems because of the nature of the fiction, unless it is part of the intent. Writing a silly story is not excused unless the point is to be silly. I think I speak for leighismyname and any other authors who are serious about writing FF when I say that they aren't trying to be purposefully silly, or at the least they're trying to make sense.

anyway

This chapter is kinda also parodying writers who cant write LGBT+ people

also I am sorry for the beach fuckup in chapter 1. I will try to avoid it happening again

anyway

I suggest reading the lightning thief chapter 1 alongside this in order for the full experience to be gotten

Percy is the main character of the universe

Percy was walking along, enjoying his day. Annabeth and him were preparing to go to college in Rome. They were leaving in a couple of days.

Suddenly a mystical light surrounded him and lifted him into the air. Before he knew it, he was in the throne room of Mount Olympus. Seated around him were all of the series' characters-

Sorry.

Seated around him were all of the people he had met on his journey towards greatness. All of them. He saw Reyna… Nico… Lee Fletcher… Gwen… Magnus Chase… and that was barely scratching the surface. He also saw the rest of the seven, and Leo had his arm around Calypso's waist.

The gods were all in their thrones. And all the minor gods were sitting in minor thrones as well.

Nico shouted: "Percy, do you know what's happening?"

Percy shook his head. Nico, of course, couldn't see him in the very large crowd, but luckily he decided not to continue it.

Then, Zeus' voice boomed through the throne room. "We are gathered here, today, to discover from a firsthand perspective the triumphs of the most important person to ever live, Percy Jackson!"

The crowd in the throne room broke into applause followed by chatter Percy caught snippets of this: "Percy might be…" "…think Percy has to…" "…publishing deal Percy took…"

Percy leaned over to Jason, who was sitting near him. "Dude, what the fuck is this?"

Jason leaned in as well and said: "Percy, I think Nico is gay." Percy gave him a look, like, wtf? "But of course, you knew that. You know everything. I'm jealous of your intelligence, Percy."

Percy continued looking at him like he'd grown another head.

Zeus' voice boomed again, silencing the talk. "You might be wondering why Percy is the most important person ever. If so, fuck you, Percy is awesome. You might instead be wondering what we mean when we said we would relive Percy's experiences. See, Percy took a publishing deal with an author named Rick Riordan (unfortunately not named Percy Jackson) who wrote out Percy's experiences based on what Percy told him." He allowed this to hang in the air for a moment. "And we will be reading the first book on Percy's life. It is called Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief."

Percy frowned. He didn't want anyone reading his every thoughts and feelings, let alone everyone. And he didn't remember signing any book deal. "Hey, I don't-" He had begun to protest this invasion of privacy when Zeus spoke over him.

"And now, who will read the first chapter of Percy's life?"

Apollo immediately stepped up. He looked cocky and confident, with his blonde locks falling not quite in his eyes.

"I don't think Percy would mind at all if Apollo were to read." Said Zeus, and Apollo took the book, which had appeared in Zeus' hands, and placed it in his lap, opening it up to the first page.

Percy began to get up to say something, but Jason pulled him down. "Percy," He said. "there are more pressing issues, like how gay Nico is."

Percy looked at him. "Dude, what is up with you and gay people?"

Apollo cleared his throat. "Look, I… …normal life."

Annabeth shook her head, looking annoyed. "Percy, you mediocre dunce!"

Percy balked. Annabeth continued: "If people do that, they'll just get eaten by monsters and never have a chance of surviving,!"

The crowd jeered at Percy. Saying things like, "Yeah, Percy!" and "Don't be dumb, Percy!" and the occasional "Hey Percy, know where I can get some burritos?"

"Alright, I'm sorry for ruining your lives everyone." Percy muttered.

"And so you should be, Percy!" Thalia yelled. Again, the crowd expressed agreement.

"Anyway," Apollo said, bringing the conversation back to the book. "let's move back onto the topic of reading about Percy, why don't we?"

There were mutters of approval. Apollo looked down and continued reading. "Being a… …warn you."

"UGH PERCY!" Yelled Annabeth. "STOP WITH THE TERRIBLE ADVICE!"

"Could we leave this subject behind?" Percy asked. Annabeth was never given a chance to respond as Apollo quickly continued reading aloud.

"My name… …years old."

"AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!" The Hephaestus cabin laughed loudly. "PERCY IS A TWELVIE! AHAHAHA!" They were gamers, so they knew gaming lingo. Percy, also a gamer, wanted to punch them in the face.

Apollo continued. "Until a… ...troubled kid?"

"Yeah, you could say that." Said Annabeth and Thalia at the same time.

"Yeah. You could say that." Annabeth and Thalia high-fived

"I could… …Roman stuff."

Zeus' eyes flashed darkly. "Greek and Roman stuff, you say? That's all we are? Stuff?!"

Percy couldn't think of a response to the angry sky god, other than your son is a weirdo! But luckily, his dad stepped in. "Zeus, we cannot blast the boy. He is the most important person in the universe. You said it yourself."

"FUCKING SHIT." Yelled Zeus.

Everyone cringed at the random swearing that pushed the moment into absurdity.

Apollo decided to keep reading in order to spare the occupants of the throne room the awkwardness. "I know… …Latin teacher,"

"YES!" Yelled Reyna. "LATIN IS BETTER THAN GREEK, EVEN THE GREEK TEACHER CHOSE IT! IN THE FACES OF ALL THE GREEKS, ESPECIALLY PERCY!"

"SCOFF!" Shouted the crowd.

"was leading… …and weapons,"

"OH DAMN!" Yelled Reyna again. "EVEN MORE ROMAN STUFF. YOU ALL SUCK GREEKS! YOU TOO PERCY!"

"NYAGH!" Shouted the crowd again.

Percy leaned over to Thalia, who was on the opposite of him from Jason. "Does she know that Annabeth and I are moving to Rome?"

Thalia shrugged.

"so he… …I wrong."

Leo grinned. "Percy is my spiritual predecessor."

"See, bad… …expelled anyway."

Leo whooped. "Percy, my man!" They high-fived.

Annabeth looked concerned. "Percy, they had a functioning cannon? And they let you, a fifth-grader use it? Whilst it was loaded?"

Leo patted her hand. "Shh, shh, it's ok, calm down you psycho." He gave Percy a grin.

"And before… …unplanned swim."

Annabeth looked more than concerned. She flashed Percy a look and spoke to him: "They had a lever to do that?! And they let a fourth-grader access it?! What if no one could swim?! Or the animals were dangerous?! What if-"

Leo chloroformed her.

"And the… …be good."

"HA!" Yelled Thalia. "FAT CHANCE!"

"All the… …ketchup sandwich."

"UGH!" Yelled Thalia. "I don't know how you would put up with that, Percy. Grover is a real great person. He knows the way."

"Uh… Thanks Thalia and Percy." Grover said.

"Grover was an easy target."

Thalia shrugged. "True."

"Hey!" Grover complained.

"He was scrawny."

Thalia shrugged again. "Also true."

"HEY!" Grover complained more. "Back me up Percy."

"Uh… sure." Percy said. "You're mean, Thalia."

Thalia rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

Apollo spoke again: "He cried… …my seat."

Nico sighed dreamily at Percy's attempted act of bravery.

Jason whispered to Percy: "You're twelve in that story. Nico's a paedophile."

Percy whispered back to Jason: "Shut up, man. You're creeping me out."

Jason shrugged. "Sorry. I won't bring Nico up again if he's so creepy to you."

Percy shook his head, annoyed. "That's not the creepy part."

"'You're already… …nervous breakdown."

Poseidon gave Hades a look. "That was the fury you sent after Percy, wasn't it?"

Hades shifted uncomfortably. "Possibly."

Poseidon gripped his trident, but did nothing.

"From her… …absolutely right.'"

"Grover!" Annabeth admonished him, smacking him on the arm. "If Percy found out… think of all the monsters! You could've gotten him killed."

"Why am I being bullied so much today?!" Grover whined.

"Paaaeeeedophile." Jason whispered to Percy.

Apollo took this as his cue to start reading again. "Mr Brunner… …shut up?'" Apollo had to stop reading for a second as he snickered. Then he continued: "It came… …gods won.'"

Zeus looked miffed at the summary. "Well, Percy Jackson. That was certainly… quick."

"Yes," Hades chimed in. "It's almost like we didn't spend thousands of years in the most hellish war of all time."

"Brothers, brothers. He's got the point." Poseidon said, stepping in to Percy's defence.

Zeus opened his mouth to begin a godly argument, but Athena hurriedly said: "Apollo, keep reading."

"Some snickers… …her hair."

Leo grinned and looked at Percy. "Nothing more satisfying than watching the bully get burnt."

"At least… …like doofuses."

Annabeth raised her eyebrows at Percy. "Doofuses."

Percy shrugged. "I didn't write this."

Annabeth leaned in real close, and winked as she said: "Guess you must be a real… SEAWEED BRAIN." Everyone laughed at the requisite reference-

Sorry!

Everyone laughed at the funny running joke.

"Grover and… …was coming."

Lightning rumbled threateningly. Everyone shivered with cold. Organ music played!

It was just someone's ringtone.

"I told… …girl's funeral."

"I had, actually." Chiron said to Percy.

"He told… …it elsewhere."

"So," Piper said, nudging Percy. "The school for Leo?"

"Percy would disapprove of your low blows, Piper." Leo said.

"'Detention?' Grover… …Grover's lap."

"OHHHHH!" Thalia yelled, and looked at Percy. "I hope she gets it!"

Grover grinned. "Oh she got it, alright."

"'Oops.' She… …pushed me!'"

The crowd whooped at Nancy Bobofit getting her comeuppance.

Leo slapped Percy's shoulder. "Good on ya, man!"

"Yay, Percy!" Someone shouted.

Another yelled: "Get that stinker!"

Percy grinned despite himself.

Apollo gave Percy a nod, like: you did good. Then he buried his face in the pages again. "Mrs Dodds… …trouble again."

Thalia grinned. "Classic Percy."

"As soon… …to death."

"See, Percy knows." Annabeth said. "Grover is one brave satyr."

"She glared… …later stare."

Frank shuddered. "Now that is something Percy does well."

"I then… …so fast?"

"Because she's a fury!" Poseidon barked, turning to Hades again. "You son of a satyr-"

"Hey!" Complained Grover.

"-sending that beast after my boy!" Poseidon finished. He grabbed his trident. Hades grabbed his crown. Apollo grabbed the book to keep reading before things turned ugly.

"I have… …like growling."

"Interesting…" Annabeth said to Percy. "I've never heard of a fury doing that before or since… not even in the same book-"

SORRY!

"…not even in the same adventure!"

"Hmmm…" Athena said.

"Even without… …water. Hisss!"

Thalia grinned at Percy. "Now that was a weak-ass fury. Died in one hit to a demigod with no training? Hades needs to hire some better enforcers."

Hades glowered at Thalia, but said nothing for fear of having his chest run through with with a trident.

"Mrs Dodds… …whole thing?"

Athena shook her head. "Amazing how much mortal minds will stretch in order to deny the truth. As if you'd imagined that, Jackson."

"I went… …turned away."

Athena smiled. "My point proven."

"I asked… …is serious.'"

Grover grimaced as Annabeth smacked him. "Grover! Percy was probably tipped off that something was wrong because of you."

"I actually was." Percy said, and Annabeth gave Grover a look.

"See?"

"Ahem." Apollo kept reading. "Thunder boomed… …all right?'"

Chiron looked at Percy. "Sorry about making you doubt your own sanity, Percy. It had to be done. Strange the mist didn't affect your mind though, make you forget about Mrs Dodds. Oh well."

"So…" Zeus' voice rumbled through the throne room. "Chapter 1 of Percy's life is complete. Who will read chapter 2?"

Jason stuck his hand up. "Don't let Nico read it!" He announced, giving Percy a look. "He'll read it gayly!"

An swarm of butterflies erupted in Percy's stomach.

This was going to be a long day.

Yes I know percy signs a book deal in the original material. No time frame is given on the book deal, so for the purposes of the lols it has not happened yet

umm let me know what other rants/clichés you want me to do next

ima thinking highschool au

also shoutout to leighismyname. I covered their story last chapter, in my first rant. They recently published a new story that is actually shaping up to be pretty good, so go check it out.

Lol bye then