Chapter 70: Toon Lonk's Journey
AN: Holy shit, PrincessAmerica likes my story! That's right! She left kudos on my AO3 port! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! She also left kudos on Pit Saves Canada! If you're reading this, PrincessAmerica, just know that I am a huge fan of your stories. You are definitely one of the biggest influences in writing, and I likely would have never started writing crackfics if it wasn't for you. Thank you so much! I give no kudos to Tim, I'll only give him A FIST TO THE FACE! This chapter is based on The Wind Waker and is a rather accurate retelling of the game's story.
Chapter Sextynien (haha) Recap: Indiana has tru hero, agutha an malolactic olay vidya gaems, brwatking news, Motu is pres of Indiano, he is talon, Macon wants to kill him, she gos to Andaina, Tito Tito Dickman Club, rip lemmy, Malon meats motley, HISTORY LESSON, Patlu is there's, Malon tries to kill him but hes 2 strong, he dents her Bach to Hyrule, evil tingle plan, DARK CASTLE DARK AND DRAMATIC ISNT THIS SO EDGY YOU GUYS, the king is missing, they have an election, and Elgnit wanks sara 2 b pres!
Chaptre beggin!
One day in Jyrule, Link was in japan to introduce his grate new amine idea (hes not a weeb he just likes hentay)
"Ok evry1 i hav a great nu idea 4 an anime!" said Link "Its a combination of cool thinks: hot lesbans, incest, an sexual asualt!"
It was a grate odea an every1 started clapping.
Meanwhile in Hytule, Navi was in Tokyo ghuul (AN: Geddit?! Like the anime?!11)
Anime's were waking around everwhere like SordartOnline, Borat, gozilla, Goku no hero adecemu, Momoatari, an hamtoro
She was buying some body pillows incuding a Bill Nyo themed one for Snas (dry bosset and Goast dad made her get one as a balenyines day present because he head low self esteem and that body pillow wood cheer him up).
Navi had a rememberance too a long ago event, how pink and Dinklage had incesttwins that were sant to the future.
"I wonder where they are now?" navi wondered where thy are now.
Meanwhile 100 years in the future!:
In HYRULE things got so horrible because of Link and sara and enoby and thiso losers that the good goddesses Not the fanfic ones) decided to put hyrul out of its missery by flooding it lime in Noles arc.
Sadly, people survived and were forced to repopulate with incest and Hyrule was now a island (aka Australia). Becos pf insest evry1 In Hayrule had don syndrom an lioked like cartoons. Thats why tingle sent toon link and argyll to the future so they wood fit in.
Okay here is Link:
Toon link aka just Link was raised with his little sister Ariel in Canberra by his Gramma.
His grandmother was very abursive and is also part of the kk. But Link was a good boy He never watches the Nutshack, he respects women, he writes positive comments on fanfics, he hates the salivation army, and he doesn't make ableist jokes.
1 DAI:
Link wakes up (AN: Gedit like wind waker?!) only to find...Argyle is being kidnapped! A bird put a bag over her head and threw her into a boat before riding away!
"Help me blubber pls save me!"
"O NO MY SISTER!"
"Quiet down u fukin cont im trien to watch my fukin crocodil dondee movie!" yelleed lonjs grandma.
"But Angle has been kitbapped by a birb!"
"Ya think i give a fuk ya cont now shut your fukin cont mouth mate!
But Link new he couldn't just shit there while his imouto chan was in the pisesssnion of the evil bard.
He change foot of his bloo cloths and into his green OoTfit (AN: Reddit OoT like ocorono of tim?) and ran out.
By the water was this chick. She was African american with green hair and a pirate outfit and was next to a red talking boat.
"Hello there i am link! What is yur name?"
"Ahoy ye mateys, me name is Tetris arr!"
"And I am boat!"
"Can you halp me my sister Aryllll hasbeen capture by a birb on a bout!"
"Ok well help! We herd this bag guy named Ganondorf is behind disc an we hate him!
And so they sat sail on their bon voyage.
It was a great tourney on the great see as they went to the many countries of the world like Hong Kong and Macchu Pichu.
Eventually they went to the nearby island of Tanzania where a strange geeen man was on it. He watche dfrom the distance but hidden from the sighting of.
Eventually they got to Dragon Roots Island in New Zeland. There was a little girl bird there guarding all of the sheep singing songs form the Hot topic kreW like the Hot Tooicu Krew theme Sontag and let it meme.
But suddenly...Tetanus jumped down and started beating the vird with a basebal bag!
"Avast ye skurvy Dog, ye mateys like you can wank the plalk!"
"Tetracycline, what are you doing!" yelled toon lank with fears.
"Arrr Im killing this sea scrupler!"
"But she didn't do anything rong! Shes not the birb that took Arlin!"
"Shes primly in on it! Birds cant be trusted, when j was a child, an emu tortured my parents to death and then rapped my dog!"
"Not all birbs are bad, what about Big Birb? What aboot Tweety Birb? What abot Scroog mcfuck?"
"THEYRE ALL SCUM AND DESERVE TO DYE!"
"Dontu fudge a book by its cover Tetrapod, you will be surprise by some1 when u learn moar about them."
"FUK DAT!" She continued kiking the birb.
"Tweet tweet chirp cjipr please don't hurt me I'm just a little birb named Melody!"
"I'll protract you!" Link piked up the bard and throw her to safety!"
Meldy flew away into the sunset. "Thank you 4 saving me!"
Suddenly a gunshot was herd as melodic stopped flying and crashed into the water and Tetons was holding a gun!
"WHAT THE SHIT YOU KILLED HER?!"
"She dessert it , shes a birb!"
"NO1 DESERVES TO DIE EXCEPT YOU, BURN IN HELL!" Toon lonk fuckin pimp slapped Tetralogy off a cliff and shot her duel wealding pistols like the gagster he is.
Link started crying becos he never take a life before and Tegra was his only friend and he was secretly in luv with her be4 she turned evul.
"I'm so sorry Sutra."
She sadly wanked past the sheep and kiwis to mr boat.
"What wrong?" asked mR boat?
"I had to kill Tartar! She turned evul and killed a innocent chicken!"
"That sucks."
And so the boat drove off after Link got inside the boat not in that way you sicko.
Likk had a sad flashback and it was dark autside.
"Hey Petra?"
"Yeah ye matey?"
"Thank u for being my frend!"
"Ur Walton! Yousoro!"
"Wen dis is ovary, I'll buy u a big Tumbrlone!"
"Are, That sounds Hawaii DESU."
Now in the present Linkdeb was back in hyrle becausuewhe heard that ganandorfs Castile was there. It was inside of Sydney and was a big castal called the sydnqy Oprah house. Gampndorj was said to be hosting a concierto there and had Artyyl held inside.
Lonk went inside but was attacked by wild animals like kangarooos and walabees and platapuss and echidnaas and kaolas and cuckaburras and tazmanoan devils and tazmoanian Tiggers and more.
But link refused to kill them becus he promised to never rank another life after fuckil killing tetralogy like that. The animals sansed that he was a friend and stopped trying to kill him. The ekidna showed him the way inside (AN: GEDDIT LIKE YHE MEEM!?) to Canon.
He got in the main room and the crowd was made up of a bunch of inccocent chillens thr were kidnapped! And at the front on the stage was...Tetanus?!
"Tutors, u-?"
"Thats rite I'm not dead I faked my meth! I was the evil 1 all along and I kidnapped your sister and these other kidz!"
The evul pirate took out a towel and wiped off her face to show that...she was actually white! "I'm not really black I was using blackface this while time! My real name is princes Zelda!"
"And I'm in on it 2!" yelled mr boat, slowly dragging himself onto the stage.
"Not u 2 mr boat!" cried link.
"Ya I am the kink of hurile I was just turned into a boat by curse."
"But why why r u doing this?"
"It's becos..." saiid Zoldo, "we're white supremacists! We made up this evil black guy named Ganondorf to make black people look bad! I pretended to be black and did evil things to make racism stronger to!"
"And now," said the prime minister of Hyrule mr boat, "we will kill all of these children and blame it on Gabon so people wil hate black people and start a race war!"
The father and dotter team laughed evilly.
"I can't let u do this, I will fight bakc! I no I send I would never kill again, but I never killed u in the first place so it's fine."
Lonk took out his boomerang and started fighting balc. Soon he fucking stabbed mr boat right in the face.
"NOOO DADDY!" yelled Zedla.
Then Lonk throw his boomrang at Zella as it lodged itself right into her skull and she died.
He rescued all of the children including arrll.
"Thank u 4 saving me brothel!"
"It's nothing, im glad to see u agen! I luv u sister!"
"An I luv u brodfer!" They meant that platonically you freaks.
And so Lonk and Arugula and all of the children got onto a nearby ship and happily sailed away!
But then the ship hit an iceberg and everyone died.
THE END!
OT IS IT?
On a nearby bitch, Toom Link floated onto the shore of Taranza, unconscious.
"Good, this is happening just as planned," said a mysterious man.
After being shipwrecked Lonk got ambrosia and couldn't remember anything JUST AS TINGLE PLANNED! It also had significant effects on his personality, so he's basically a completely different person.
Tingle gave toon link plastic surgery so that he looks completely different. Now he was dark hair and a big nose.
Tingle then sent formerly toon link back in time hundreds of years earlier with his time machine.
BACK IN THE PAST BEFORE THE EVENTS OF TINGLES RAVENG THE TINGLING:
"Where am I?"
asked a young boy. He couldn't remember anything. "I have a weird tingly feeling. Tingle...is that my name? I must be Tingle!"
The boy, now named Tingle, soon wondered into the nearby city. He was adopted by a man named Guide and later developed an obsession with fairies.
And that is how Tingle came to be.
PRESENT DAY:
"What the fuck?" questioned Navi, who just read the story to find out Tingles origins.
"Since Tingle is Link's father and Toon Link is Link's son and Toon Link is actually Tingle..." It turned into that one meme as math equations appeared in front of Navi. "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS STORY?! Tingle is his own grandfather? WHAT KIND OF SICKO WROTE THIS SHIT WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Poor Navi, not only did Lonk force her to watch his shitty lesbian incest anime, but now she witnessed such a horrible, horrible story such as this.
THE ENDD
AN: What a twist! Toon Link is actually Tingle, so Tingle is his own grandfather! But what happened to Aryll? Is she still alive? Hopefully Tim isn't still alive. I hope you guys liked this ACCURATE Wind Waker chapter, and stay tuned!