Chapter 72: Tito Tito Dickman Club
AN: Buongiorno, miei amici! I'm already already for an new Chaptre! (Chaptre is spanish 4 chaptre). Tim is probably spanish for shit amirite? Warding: Dia chaaper is extraly scarring. Brewer expression is advice.
(Actual warning: this chapter contains brief suicide references).
Chapter Seaventywon Recap!: Es el Olympias, u suck nbc, Tingle an friends in the plumps, karen tellls moo a scarie story, Zura domain, Ruth vene back para el muerte, shes a sundere, it's the day of the valentine, beautiful couplets are roaming the streets of Rome, those assholes pitooo and pucas want to ruion the happy holiday cuz they suck, they are arrested by il polis, navi is totes rejected by that robo Sword chick again, Smock Holes rejects Canadian philosopher John Watson, Snas is in love with Cuckhead, Rubo plays pokemo and hates luilie, shes fuckin pissed, she leave mean massages on navis pivyur, bavi replies but Tito doesn't care and keeps doin that shit, she gpes crazi, her dad comes, he's horrofied by her ovsession, and he pulls her out of her Missouri.
Chaptre beggin!
Today is the second meeting of links new club at school, the Tito Tito Dickman Club! Link doesn't go to school, he is just using an abandoned school for his club.
After Lonk killed that one koobaling by somehow launching him into space, he decided that the team needs more members. So far the only members are Lonk, his girlfriend Salami, Sheik, and Fraddy Fuzzbear, but today they are getting a new member!
"Ohio evry1 I am your not evul club president Link the sexy fukboi of time, and i introduce our new member NAVI THE LOSER OF SHIT!"
Everyone clapped as Navi sadly floated into The Room because she was forced to join a fan club for Richard Cabeza, also known as Tito Dick "Dickman," baby.
"Today," said link "we will talk about how much we love Toto duck duckman baby he raised Phil and loves the ladies."
"Isnt That wat whe do everyday?" asked Freddi Fish.
"QUIET BITCH! As I was saying, everyone write a poem about that secy boi Tito and then welll read it togethe. Now get the fuk tobwork!"
And so everyone wrote a poem about Tito ducj.
"Let's see..." said Navi. "I think I'm finished. First I'll share my poem with...Salami? Is that really her name?"
Anyway navi game her peom to salami, an anime girl that is links gorlfirnd before she dies by the end of the chapter.
Sayori's porm (its a haiku):
Tito Dick "Dickman."
Raised Phil and loves the ladies.
Yeah it's the Nutshack.
"Did u like it? I worked very hard on it!"
"Oh, yeah. It's...very wonderful!" lied Navi.
"I'm so glad I get to be in this club with my perfect boyfriend Link! Isn't he just the best?"
"Yep, he's certainly something."
Salami is very dumb and has no idea about how evul Lonk really is.
Nezt Navi dead Fruddy Fatsbear's poem. It was a limerick:
There was a man named Tito Dick
He's the focus of this limerick
He had a nice sack
It would make a nice snack
He's just so sexy and thicc.
"I can't believe I had to read something so horrible with my own two eyes," said Navi, now scarred by the painful limerick.
"I ducking love tito," angrily announced the antagonistic, anthropomorphic, animatronic animal in an American accent, alerting the audience of his atrocious appearance.
The bitter blue ball bitchily basked at the bear's bellow, as the cacophony caused the crowd's composure to collapse, crashing them onto the cold concrete.
Okay that's enough BACJ TO THE REEL STORY
Finally she read Sheik's poem, which wasn't really a poem and was just an overly long analysis about the Illuminati (she's only in this club because she thinks Tito dick is part of the illllllllikmiayyi).
Everyone finished with their piens and Link said yo salami, "hopefully we can HANG out soon GEDDIT?! CUZ U HANG URSELF?!1111111"
"Seriously, Link?" questioned Salami. "That was not funny, suicide is not something to be joked about."
"Whatevs lets go home."
"But what about the zombie apocalypse?" asked Sheek, pointing out the window to the many zombies and destroyed buildings and dead bodies.
"I'll take care of that!" happily exclaimed salami.
She played the world's saddest song on the loudspeakers.
Gary now I know,
I was wrong,
I messed up, and now you're gone.
Gary, I'm sorry I neglected you,
Oh, I never expected you
To run away and leave me feeling this empty...
Your "Meow" right now would sound like music to me.
Please come home, 'cause I miss you, Gary!
Gary come home!
Gary, can't you see I was blind,
I'll do anything to change your mind.
More than a pet, you're my best friend,
Too cool to forget
Come back, 'cause we are family,
And forgive me for making you wanna roam.
Now my heart is beating like the saddest metronome,
Somewhere I hope you're reading my latest three-word poem.
Gary come home!
It was so sad that the zombies turned back to normal and the zombie apocalypse ended. Everyone was in tears except for Link because he's a sociopath.
THE NEXT DAY:
Navi floating into he room at the beginning of a new day.
"I'm ba-JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHY IS SALAMI'S CORPSE HANGING FROM THE CEILING?!"
Everyone turned towards Salami's dead body.
"O i never noticed that, cool!" sed lokk. "She mustuv desided she couldnent take anymore of your shit navi and ended her lief."
"WHAT THE FUCK HOLY SHIT!?"
Sheik and Freeedy were also kinda freaked out but Link was as Link as always.
"Look she left a suicine note!" yelled pink.
Life sux, see u in hell fuckers!
-Salami
"Wait, how do we know it really was a suicide?" questioned Nazi. "Maybe Link killed her! I mean, he seems perfectly fine with her being dead and he has killed many people in the past."
"O yah? WELL MAYBE U KILLD HER NAVI!111"
"What reason would I have to do that?"
"I dunno cuz your a birch? And I would never hurt anyone sense im da great hero of time! Now shut up or ill delete u from the gaems files!"
"But this isn't a game, it's a fanfiction," said Navi.
"Shit I forgot."
Anyway, everyone did their regular Dickman activities while a dead body hung from the ceiling.
The next dauy...
"What the fuck, someone stabbed Freddy to death?!" shouted Navi.
"Lol I wonder who did it cough Navi cough," said link roffly.
"Or maybe it was TE ILLUNMIBAYTIUI?!" shrieked Sheik.
"It was not the Illuminati, and it was not me. The only person that it would make sense to be the killer is Link."
"O YAH!" link eagled. "Then letz go to the securityi camras so we can Provo who was the killer!"
"If there were security cameras in here, then why didn't we just check them in the first place?"
"I DONT FUCKIN NO LETS JUST DO IT!"
They got onto the screen showing the security footage and it showed...Navi killing Salami?!
"Wtf?!" explained link.
"Lol!" lolled Navi, pulling out a machine gun. "I lied, I did kill them both! AND NOW I'LL KILL YOU TOO!"
"Wtf i was just trying 2 annoy navvi, I dident no she acterally did it!" sed link in confusion.
"MAYBE SHES WITHH THE ILLLLLLUKNSIBAYJRISI!" squeaked Sheik.
"DIE FUCKERS!" scrowed Navi as she opened fire on Lonk and Sheek.
The two ducked behind Freddy Frostbear's dead body and called for help when siddenly, a great hero appeared! It was...Vatti!
"I'll save you!" heroically called Vatti.
Vatti punched the gun out of navi's hands and tied her up. "I don't think that your the real Navi! Let's see who you actually are!"
He took off Navi's mask to reveal that she is...ILLUMINATTO!
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASP!111111111111111" fasped shekels. "It's the ILIUJDINAHKIOTI! I-I was right! I was right all along! People didn't believe my theories. They bulli me for my obsession, but I was right all along!"
"That's right, I do work for the Illuminati!" said the agent. "I killed the real Navi two days ago and stuffed her into that fridge." (AN: Geddit like TV Tropes!?) "The reason why I've been killing the club members is that you've all heard Sheik's surprisingly accurate theories about the Illuminati, and you must be Illuminated." (AN: Getit instead of eliminated?!)
"I'm so happy, my life's work has finally amounted to something!" cried Shik.
Seddenly the agent pressed a button that blew up his head.
So what is up with the aillunubayi? What do they want? And will Navi come back? Yes, obviously.
MEANWHILE at the apartment of a British dude named Benedict cumbersome:
The detective dude was setting up plates and shit for his brunch party. Suddenly, the terminator theme began playing outside of his door.
"Oh, my first guest has arrived!"
Oppening the foor, he was met by a certain robotic raptor known as Yoshiko I mean Yoshi.
"Well Sherlock, I made it, despite your directions."
"Ah, Lord Yoshi, welcome! I hope you are prepared for a bloody good brunch!"
Yoshi, sometimes called by the nickname Green Barney, is the leader of the bunch, you know him well.
Yoshi sat down on his golden toilet throne that he made Shmpck put in the dining room as the doorbell range, singing the arrival of the other geusts.
Everyone walked in the door but the doorway not the door itself (that'ld just be silly).
One was a tiny but well endowed Shetland pony wearing a black helmet.
A large breasted and badly-drawn neko girl entered and gasped at the horse's cuteness.
"Sugoi a kawaii horse-chan desuuuuu nyaaaaaa~!"
The pony neighed, kicking the weeb in the leg.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!1111111111111!1111111111111" she shrieked in pain as everyone covered up their ears to shield themselves from this Cofagrigus.
"Can you please quiet down?" growled an irritated octopus as the crayfish next to him started having a punic attack.
Carmen Sandiego smirked while the shitty neko continued crying out for an insanely long period.
Meanwhile, a tall tree Pokemon struggled to enter the doorway, so a strange robocop tried to help him through.
"I'm always on duty!" he exclaimed, punching the top of the doorway with an extendable arm, only for it to collapse.
The final three members arrived (they rode on Sanic dot exe's back) as a goth anime schoolgirl said, "The fallen angle has descended! You puny mortals must face my true power!"
Everyone ignored her and OUR BOI REGGIE also rode on Sanic dot exe's back and was the only good teammate.
There is one member too dangerous and unpredictable to even attend this meeting, as he is pure evil and happens 2 b the "hero" of this story and hhgreg name is Link!
"Now that we are all here, we can commence with this week's meeting for the ANTI-TINGLING SENSATION," said Yoshi evilly. "We will take down the Tingling Sensation once and for all!"
AN: Ono another evul team is truing to stop the Tingling Halation! Will they succ eed? Or will tingle kiiiill them all? Tim will never succeed in life, more like suckeed and I ripe? Just so you guys know, I started a new fanfic, a Little Witch Academia crackfic called Homeless Cavendish, so check it out if you're a fan! It's weird that now I have four fics in progress, but don't worry, as I'll still make sure to finish this one. I haven't posted a new chapter for Pit Saves Canada in a while, but I'll make sure to post the penultimate chapter before long. My birthgay is in about 18 days (its on marp 18) and it bill ve my 188th borthday! That'll right! Ill b an adultt! Stay tuned for (maybe) a birthday special and also a review of all 50 US state flags.