Lizard

Chapter 4

The nerves as she stood outside his front door were almost touchable. Yet she knew she had to do this, there was no more running away. This was important, and she needed to face up to her past, and finally she wanted to.

She knocked heavily on the old fashion front door of the imposing number 20, Royal Crescent, and waited.

It had been too long in coming this reunion, but then seeing him again at Benny's memorial, the bumping into him on the street a few nights ago, all served as reminders. She couldn't run forever. Whatever had passed between them perhaps needed to be resolved to some degree, and that was why she was here standing outside his family's home... waiting.

She heard the sounds of movement behind the solid mass, and waited a bit longer. After so many years the wait however did not seem long enough.

Despite the delay in answering it, the door was finally thrown open by the equally nervous, but excited occupant. No words were said. They both took each other in, three years of not being this close, causing their eyes to feast on the other. Moments passed and then, as if rehearsed they fell into each other arms. Tears rushed down both their faces, a mixture of pure happiness and sadness, marking all they had lost. Yet they both understood, it had been right to finally make contact, so right to be reunited.

Soon, too soon she was pushed away from the hug and was staring into tear filled brown eyes that stared equally into hers. Her arms held as she was looked upon once again lovingly. She knew then making contact, swallowing her pride, had been the right thing to do.

"Oh I've missed you so much Molly." She said, and beamed her smile that Molly remembered was so similar to that of her traitorous son's.

"I've missed you to Margaret." Molly replied back. Happy to be standing in front of Charles' mum again after all these years.

Eventually they moved off the door step. The neighbours had had enough of a show, and Molly followed Margaret, slowly into the kitchen. On high alert, at all times, at being back within the home that used to be hers, when she was still with him. Margaret hopped and ineffectively used her stick as she lead the way.

It had taken courage for Molly to contact Margaret. To say 'hello' again, but she knew she wanted to do it, after seeing her in the distance at the memorial. Margaret on her part was thrilled and was forgiving, and understanding. And so these two friends came together like it was only yesterday since they last spoke.

When Molly called they had talked easily over the phone, but both knew it was not enough. So they arranged to meet, on neutral ground, somewhere 'nice' and plans were made. A date was set.

These plans, changed quickly though as Margaret slipped on her back step, twisted her ankle, and Molly bravely opted to go and visit her instead. Plans were remade, reassurances given that Charles would not be there, and a new date was set. And that was how she came this late Monday morning to be once again back in a home she thought she'd never see again.

The kitchen always used to be her favourite place, and Molly enjoyed being in the homely room once more. Memories filled her eyes everywhere she looked. Reluctantly though, she found that they eventually moved to the sitting room, where it was more comfortable for Margaret to rest.

Both of them slipped into their friendship with ease, as though no time, no heartache had passed.

They sat and talked for hours. Molly was caught up to date with all the history, the happy times and the sad times, of a family she once belonged to. Heard all about what had been happening in her absence, and found she regretted not being part of it. Apologies were offered on both sides, and both hearts were forgiving, for the circumstance beyond their control.

As Molly listened, as Molly talked, sat there in the comfortable front room, her heart remembered. Remembered all those times she had sat there with Charles. Remembered the times they had had family nights, with Benny, and Sam, whenever her and Charles visited. She remembered how happy she had once been, and despite the pain that came with the memories she found she still smiled.

He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he'd been off all weekend. Unsettled. Ever since Friday night, ever since his session at the charity centre, something had been niggling away at him. He knew he'd been late, the accident to blame, and yet he knew that was not enough to unsettle him. He had seen worse. He knew he'd arrived soaking wet, due to the rain, flustered and had only half listened to Gerard, who was rambling on about donations and a visitor, but he knew that wasn't enough to throw him off like this. He felt all kinds of wrong. All weekend he brooded over what it was.

He brooded, because that was something he did a lot. Molly in their early days used to tease him about his ability to dwell. Where he called it reflecting, she called it sulking, and as their marriage fell apart, as their world was destroyed he, after help, saw it for what it really was ... guilt. Yet it wasn't guilt he was feeling now. Instead he felt as though his life had hit an unexpected bump and he knew not why. He felt as though, briefly he'd had something, for a moment, and now he was missing it all over again. Something had been right there in front of him, something precious, and he hadn't seen it or held onto it.

The weekend passed quickly, too quickly, as they always did for him now. He'd briefly had Sam over to stay, and had intended to visit his Mum but time had slipped away as he mulled over his feelings, and he promised himself he'd visit her the next weekend instead. The guilt over that crashed around him though when she called, on the Sunday, to say that she had fallen and twisted her ankle. He felt disappointed with himself all over again, and promised to see her soon. Realising sadly that despite all his promises, all his therapy he still was letting people down, and soon all thoughts of what he felt he'd been missing left him, while he focused on the practical issues of his Mum and his planned visit her.

Molly watched as Margaret wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes again. Today had been a good day for them both. Therapeutic, so much so Molly had stayed a lot longer than she had planned. Although never truly believing that the first contact with her lost family would be brief. They had always been too welcoming, to loving to let you go too soon.

The early afternoon soon turned into late afternoon, and the sun was getting sleepy. She was mid laugh, yet again, as she heard the front door open and slam shut with determination. She knew only James men held the power over the old heavy door to make such a noise, and she began to prepare.

"It's just me."

He shouted as he shook his coat off in the hall way and started walking through the house to find her.

"Where you hiding?" He said as he did so, searching.

Molly froze and saw Margaret's face paralysed with fear and apologies.

"Molly." She said quietly. "I didn't know. Wasn't expecting him." Leaning over she grabbed her hand to stop her from running. "He'll be so happy to see you."

Molly sprang up from her sitting position and stood ridged, mentally preparing herself to see him again. Her heart beating fast and loudly. Her mouth dry, as fear and excitement coursed through her body.

Eventually the front room door burst open with the flurry of youth and excitement.

He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her there, standing in front of him.

"Molly." He half cried out. The happiness in his voice not able to be disguised. "What are you doing here?" He asked trying to understand.

And with those words he rushed over to her side and pulled her into one of his never forgotten hugs.

Within seconds of feeling his arms around her, she found she was hugging him back. Tightly. It was automatic.

Tears rolled down her face from happiness. Happy to be holding him again. Happy to have the privilege of being with him again. They hugged for what seemed liked minutes, he was holding on to her just as tightly as she was holding on to him.

"I've missed you so much." She heard him sob out. "I missed you Molly."

These words caused her eyes to leak even more. She had difficulty in seeing anything, but she did notice a movement over his shoulder. The gasp and small laugh made her identify the person immediately. A voice she knew, and an outline of a perfect figure she remembered, even if she still could not focus because of the tears, she knew who it was. She slightly pulled back from the hug.

He turned suddenly as he too noticed the arrival of another body beside Molly and Margaret. Momentarily confused by Molly's response.

"Mum." He smiled out when he turned and saw her. "Look who it is? It's Molly. Isn't it great?" He said as Rebecca stood cautiously still in the doorway.

Rebecca smiled back at her son, then smiled slowly but with genuine happiness at Molly.

"I can see that Sam, and yes it is." Rebecca said with just as much emotion as her son had.

As Sam moved away from Molly, but still close by, it was now Rebecca's turn to hug her. This time hesitantly, and reserved. Unsure if she'd be welcomed.

"Hello Molly." She said. "It's been a long time."

Molly recovered her voice, gathered her emotions.

"Yes it has." She smiled and looked between Sam and his mum. Two more people she'd lost because of Charles. "It's so good to see you both again. So good." And she returned Rebecca's hug with warmth.

Despite how it should have been, despite that frosty first meeting by Charles' hospital bed, over the years of Molly's relationship with Charles, her and Rebecca actually had become friends.

Molly had seen very early on in their relationship that the ex-wife as absolutely no threat. While Rebecca saw only the close positive friendship Molly developed with their son, and because of this the two ladies bonded. As time passed Rebecca had made no secret of the fact that she admired Molly for firstly putting up with Charles, and secondly for keeping his relationship with Sam tight despite their crazy work schedules. It was a happy friendship.

Seeing her standing in Margaret's house surprised her however. Seeing how affected her son was by seeing her again humbled her. Made her regret that maybe she should have tried harder to stay in touch with Molly, that maybe she shouldn't have focused entirely on Charles as he recovered. Again these two ladies had lots to talk about.

And so they talked. Sam asked hundreds of questions about Molly's life. Thrilled with what she now did and where she worked. They laughed about her experiences and stories. Sam continuing to ask hundreds more questions about Molly's job. They talked of each other's presence as well as the good old days, as they were referred to, where they all rightly looked back on with happiness. As though there was an unspoken rule however one subject firmly remained out of bounds... Charles.

Molly noticed again that several hours once passed in this renewed company. Thrilled in hearing Sam's news first hand, in hearing about his life, described in his own unique way, and what she had missed over the years. Delighted in the young man he was becoming. Proud of him beyond belief. Throughout it all, she noticed, he sat close by and shyly leaned in for a secret hug every now and then. She of course willing gave them.

"So mate?" She bumped his leg with hers. "Big exam year this school year?" Molly asked.

"Yeah." He replied and his face darkened.

"What's up?" She asked. She knew GCSEs were not her idea of fun but Sam was one bright kid.

"He's worried." Rebecca cut in. "Doesn't know what to do afterwards."

Molly turned and looked at him.

"Oh want are your choices?" She asked.

Sam smiled. It wasn't very often lately that he felt his opinion was asked.

"Sixth form. Maybe? College?" He hesitated.

"But?" She asked, she knew there was more.

"I want all that. I just think after my exams I want a bit of excitement, adventure you know?"

She laughed.

"Yeah I do mate. But I also know just how important exams are and school. They'll be plenty of time for adventure once you get them all."

Sam looked deflated. Hoping Molly might have been on his side. She saw straight away she had disappointed him, and it was left to Rebecca and Margaret to skilfully change the subject and the evening wore on.

She didn't get the chance to see any of them again before she went back to New Zealand. There was too much for Molly to do, too many family members to visit, and her time home was short. Yet she did, as she had pulled away that night, promised to keep in touch with them all. Sam ensuring that he taken her number, as well as she'd take his. He never wanted to be out of contact with Molly again.

As her life returned to its normal routine in New Zealand, as she got on with the job she was used to, she started for the first time in a long time, to feel settled. Working hard and finally playing hard, she'd found the Molly that had almost disappeared after Charles' betrayal. She was happy with her life, and the steps taken last time she was home helped with some of the sadness that was there in her life. Loving the regular contact she once again had with Sam and Margaret, and enjoying the occasional texts from Rebecca's too. For the first time in years, when Christmas came she received cards from then all, and smiled. Certain her address given to them with strict understanding would remain in their confidence. Molly felt good about these friendships and trusted them.

Her life rocked along with a small degree of happiness. Never once though sharing with anyone that she had bumped into Charles that night. That she had seen him again. Felt his body against hers, and instantly liked it. She'd instantly felt the old craving at this briefest contact. She felt too ashamed to admit that to anyone. She kept that secret to herself, and held onto it when she felt at her lowest. When she felt lonely and thousands of miles away from home, when her home sickness, made worse as the hot sunny months of December and January contrasted with the cold winter months stories told from home.

He sighed deeply. He'd had yet another argument with Sam about revision and knuckling down. It was now early April and his exams were seriously close, and both Rebecca and Charles were worried that Sam wasn't applying himself quite how he should be. Tonight, therefore, Charles had once again tackled his dedication and once again it had blown up into a huge row.

He poured himself a glass of wine and sat down in the garden. The early spring evening just pleasant enough for him to escape the toxic atmosphere of his home. He took a huge gulp of wine as he wearily ran his hands through his hair. He stared ahead and thought. Wondering if the cock ups he'd made in his life were the causes of his worries about Sam.

Life for Charles was still complicated. His job was still just that, a job, but there was, he hoped, a light at the end of the tunnel. The charity he volunteered with was looking for a new leader. Gerard was retiring in the coming months, and Charles had been asked to apply for the position. The flattery at being asked soon turned into determination. It would be something he knew he'd relish. Something he'd be proud of doing. A job he really felt he could own and enjoy. Realistically though Charles knew the competition was stiff and many, and so over the last weeks he'd prepared, studied and waited for the interview dates to be announced. Determined, like he once used to be, to fight back and gain some dignity in himself again.

Meanwhile he trudged with the work routine, broken up with the odd and far fewer weekends with Sam and visits to his Mum. He was happy to see his mother was, although still grieving for his father,

seemed at times to have a smile about her that reminded him of happier times. She continued her life, reluctantly, but didn't give up. Watching her he felt proud and ashamed. Seeing her resolve. Her battle on wards made him remember more acutely it was something Charles didn't do all those years ago when he lost Molly.

"I don't know what to do Charles." Rebecca had confided in him. "He's adamant he wants to travel after his exams, and that's all he'll talk about."

"Shit Rebecca. He's not even 17." Charles said shocked and wearily, he'd heard it all before from Sam though. "He's not capable of going off alone and doing something like that."

"Hell I know that Charles. He can't even find the laundry basket in his room, never mind how to bloody circumnavigate the globe." She bit back.

"So what we going to do?" He asked. Hopeful like so many times over the last couple of years Rebecca would have the solution to the problem.

"I don't know." She answered wearily. "I really don't know."

Wishing she had someone else to turn to for advice. Counsel. Then suddenly it came to her. Unsure just how she'd plan it, but certain that she could. She quickly rang off from talking to Charles with promises she'd call his within the next few days, reassuring him that she might just have a plan.

The wait seemed long. She had to wait nearly 12 hours before she could ask, and finally put the plan into a trip, but when she did, when her request had been granted, she smugly picked up the phone to 'discuss' it with Charles.

"New Zealand?" He said shocked. "That's bloody far. Are you sure?" He asked.

"Yes. It's perfect!" Rebecca patiently explained. "I have a good friend who works out there. Can get him some outdoor activity work, cabin cleaning and the stuff for their ski season, our summer." She explained.

"Well. It sounds like a plan." Charles slowly replied. "Go through it one more time?" He asked.

"It's simple." She started to get excited. "We tell Sam that he has to buckle down and revise. That he has to get good GCSE results, and if we're happy he's put the effort in, been keen and that, then we'll allow him to go travelling during his summer break for two months. Come back in time for sixth form, college...whatever."

"Travelling?" Charles said concerned again.

"Not really." She continued. "Well. Yes to New Zealand, but that's it. Once he's there he'll stay with my friend for those months. It's perfect. He's there for part of their ski season, mid-June to September, and will get it out of his system." She laughed. "I mean my friend's told me it won't be a free pass; it will be hard work and that. What do you think?"

He had been shocked, but quickly realised she was right; this was the perfect solution.

"I think you're bloody clever Rebecca." Charles laughed as he considered it might just be the perfect plan. "Who's this friend again? Do I know them?"

Rebecca skilfully swept over the question. There were things he just didn't need to know. And so that was how the arguments of the past months were soon a distant memory and Sam started to knuckle down to revision. He knew full well it was a bribe. He knew full well he was being played, but he didn't care, he was getting something he really wanted. An adventure.

She stood at the arrivals gate more nervous than she had ever been for such a long time, and excited too. Constantly looking at her watch as the automatic doors kept fruitlessly opening and closing.

Eventually they opened and he walked through confidently, but she could see he was nervous. His personality and traits so similar to those of his father's. She felt a pang of loss at just how familiar he still was. She had a moment to take in this mirror imagine young man of her ex-husband, and found that remembering the similarities hurt. She drew in a long deep breath and pushed these thoughts aside. She watched as his eyes started to scan around the crowd so quickly that he missed her on the first scan.

"Sam. Sam." She shouted to him and in several steps he was close to her and hugged her tightly.

She smiled as he did so. She knew he was a big boy now, but every now and then there were moments when the little cute lad she had known and loved showed up.

"Come on let's go and get you settled." She said as she led the way out of the airport. "You must be knacked."

She drove slowly up the windy snowy pass to the resort she worked at. She'd managed to get him a job as a chalet boy for the three months he was out there. It had all be explained to him from the beginning. It was hard work but it meant he had time during the days for improving his skiing, and would have late evenings for having fun. Time to do what 17 year old boys liked to do.

When Rebecca had first called she'd been delighted and had his trip all planned very quickly. At first she'd thought he should stay with her in the little cabin she had been given with her post, realising how precious and honoured she was that Rebecca trusted her with her son. Meaning to take the very best of care of him. Then, as she thought more about his time out there with her, she changed her mind. Remembering what she was like at his age. Appreciating that sometimes you just did not need to know what boys got up to, and so she arranged a room for him in the staff quarters.

It didn't take him long to make friends and adapt. She was surprised at how quickly and settled he had become as he started off on his new adventure. She was proud to see the good start he'd made. Watching him from afar she was more than confident he could do the job in hand. Sam, worked hard, and played even harder. Occasionally, every now and then his antics would reach her ears. Totally harmless fun, and Molly could see from a distance he was having the time of his life. He was having the adventure he had desperately wanted.

They met initially once a week, on their days off, but very quickly it became less necessary as time went by. They talked as equals, as friends, and her reports home to Rebecca were always positive and happy. During these calls she never asked, didn't need to as it was her only condition all those months ago. Charles must not know her address, or her involvement in his son's adventure. She was therefore unsure what Charles actually knew of Sam's stay, but confident that Rebecca had trusted her need for privacy. There were a few close calls mind you when she herself very nearly gave the game away. More than once walking in on Sam FaceTiming his dad. Thankful that each and every time she did Charles had appeared too concerned and too happy to notice her figure briefly making an appearance in the corner of the screen.

"Promise me you'll be safe. You nutter." She said as she waved them off. A rare three day break for them all and Sam was heading off out in to the mountains with a group of her friends to do some off piste skiing. He was capable, the group was experienced and the routes known and deemed safe. She still worried like the mother hen she was. Molly's skiing nowhere near up to the standard needed for this trip, she had therefore reluctantly let him go on his own.

It was late when the call came in, and as soon as it did she knew. She heard the words and reacted as she ought to. Years of practice kicking in. She knew what she needed to do.

She picked up her phone again and hands shaking dialled his number.

"Charles?" She held her voice calm for merely a second before she broke down.

He asked back sleepily. Surprised. Confused about who, why he was being called by her.

"Charles?" She started again. "It's Sam." He instantly switched into warning mode, and had to wait a few tortuous seconds for her to begin again. "It's Sam." She said. "I'm so sorry... but there has been an accident."

"What?" He shot up from bed. Instantly the sleepiness clearing and now on high alert. "What's happened?" Tell me?" He begged her.

"He was skiing with a group of friends. I thought it was safe for them to go. He was so excited when he told me about it." She went on.

"It's ok." He said encouragingly, and she remember just how kind he could be. How she had once seen and felt his kind side in abundance when they had been married.

"They went off plan for a while. They was a land slip, an avalanche. A small one I think. I don't know for certain. He's missing." She broke down. "Oh Charles. He's missing. Sam's missing."

Charles listened to her cry; he hadn't heard her cry like this for such a long time. It rang painful memory bells in his heart.

"Ok. It's ok. Shit it's not. Fuck." He said trying to collect his wits. Feeling the words sink in and twist painful in his gut. "What's being done?" He asked, shocked as he felt his years of Army training kicking in.

"They are out there now looking. I've been told to stay by the phone to wait until there's any news." She quietly explained. "But it's so hard. I want to be there."

"Ok. Who's giving you the info? Who you talking to out there?" He asked in full Captain mode, hunting around his room for a pen and paper.

Listening to his chipped professional questions she amazingly felt a smile managed to skip across her lips. She instantly recognised the role her man had once played

"The search team..." And here she drew breath. The time for secrecy long gone. "My friend too."

"Right! And who's that's exactly! Your friend?" Charles asked, and as he did so he realised with the stress of the successful interview for his new job, and the demands of the charity, he was a little bit vague about the finer points of Sam's trip.

Rebecca knew she could hide it from him no more. She had in fact discussed it with Molly only minutes ago when she had called with the awful news. He had to know everything.

"Rebecca?" He asked again down the phone line. Gently pushing her but not wanting to scare her. "Who is your friend out there? Maybe I can talk to them to. Who is it?"

"It's Molly," She said loudly with conviction.

He heard her words.

Knew Rebeca meant Molly, his Molly, there was no other Molly it could be, yet he failed to understand. Failed to comprehend.

Emotions swirled around his head.

His Sam was missing. That was the main thought. The main concern.

Yet he couldn't give up, couldn't push the other thoughts from his head.

His boy was in danger, and it was his Molly who had put him there.