Writing this story has given me a whole new respect for Lavender Brown. I hope those reading this feel the same way.

Warning: Some crude humour

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Fate Abridged or any of the Fate series

….

Dumbledore and Snape didn't ask her further questions that evening, oddly enough. They just sent Lavender away while they dealt with the rat situation. The very next day was the first quidditch game of the season.

Lavender sat a few rows above Harry during the match. Harry had never seen a Quidditch match before and nothing seemed to stop him from wanting to see it. Not even begging, or slightly drug-laced doughnuts.

Wow…were seekers supposed to be that slow? Lavender wondered as she watched the Gryffindor seeker take a dive for the snitch.

Maybe she was just too used to Harry's insane antics…

All of a sudden, the bludger veered off course and headed towards the stands, right towards Harry Potter.

Harry jumped out of the way to the ground.

"I knew it!" Lavender took out a round device with a big red button on top.

She'd always wanted to press a big red button…It just seemed so perfectly dramatic.

Fwush!

Quirrell let out a blood curdling scream as fire came out of the bottom of his chair, launching him, and the chair upwards like a rocket.

Stunned silence ensued.

Then came Lee Jordin's voice over the intercom,

"It seems Professor Quirrell has decided to pursue his very new career as an astronaut. God speed, professor."
McGonagall must have been too stunned to reprimand him.

…

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The mystery of who had strapped a propulsion engine to the bottom of Quirrell's chair remained a mystery. It wasn't too long before it became apparent that the stuttering professor was being targeted.

"Hey, did you hear about Quirrell?" Dean asked Ron and Harry one day as they were making their way downstairs into the common room.

"You mean, how he was blasted off into space?" Ron grinned, "We saw it. Fred and George say they didn't do it, but they still got detention."
"No, not that." Dean said, "I heard from a Hufflepuff that during their class, Quirrell's chair exploded and there was a distorted message that played. Some sort of recording."

Harry's face went blank.

It couldn't be…Right?

But…just to be sure…

"Was it someone yelling 'One Hundred Percent Maximum No chill' with the volume so loud, you got the impression that the spell recording it was strained in a manic fit of lunacy?"

Dean gave him a strange look,

"You already heard the story, then?"

"No…it was…just a lucky guess."

And now he knew who was targeting Quirrell.

….

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"What the frack is your problem!?" Harry shouted at Lavender when he finally managed to find a moment alone with her.
"Please, Harry. Say 'fuck' not 'frack.' You sound like an eleven-year-old written in one of those stories for children with an author who wasn't imaginative enough to come up with an actual realistic alternative."

Harry blinked in confusion,

"Fine. What the fuck is your problem!? You've been trying to kill Quirrell!?"

"Of course, I am." Lavender crossed her arms over her chest, "He's the one that tried to kill you. Remember? With the bludger?"

Harry frowned,

"Snape was trying to kill me."
Lavender snorted,

"You really think that actually Satan is dumb enough to try to kill you in front of all those people? Obviously, he's the first person everyone would suspect."

"Uh…" Harry tried to wrap his mind around that round about logic, "So…because it's obviously something he'd do, and because he's bad, it's not him?"
"Obviously." Lavender agreed.

"You're insane." Harry realized.

"Rude." Lavender said, "Quirrell is after the philosopher's stone."
"The…what?" Harry wondered.

"The thing hidden on the third-floor corridor." She elaborated quickly, "It's a magical artifact created by Dumbledore's mentor and friend, Nicolas Flamel. It's a magic stone that grants people immortality. Oh, and it can make an infinite amount of gold, but that's less important for this next part. You see, Quirrell is being possessed by Voldemort. Voldemort wants to be resurrected. A stone that can grant people immortality can resurrect him." She broke it all down, "Makes sense?"
"I…maybe?" Harry still sounded doubtful, "But…why did you launch him into space? You didn't think that was overkill?"

Lavender shrugged,

"Seamus wanted to try something new."

….

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…

It was later that day that Lavender entered Snape's potions classroom.

"Hello, actually Satan. Ask your questions and I shall answer and then we will begin our lesson."

Snape sneered.

Dumbledore had given him a list of questions to ask Brown. He lifted up the sheet of parchment.

"Very well…do you know where any of the horcruxes are located?" He asked her.

"Um…" Lavender trailed off, "I think one of them will possess a student next year, but that's all I know. Oh, and one of them is boobytrapped and will kill Dumbledore in a few years."
Snape tensed a bit, then wrote down her answers.

"Question two…" His eyebrow twitched, "Will there be any improvements to lemon drops in the following years?"

Lavender thought about it. Certainly, candy was always evolving…

"I believe a new lemon chewy candy comes out that the headmaster starts to enjoy. Lemon Fruities, they're called. There aren't going to be any direct advancements on the lemon drop."
Snape was glaring down at the parchment, as though willing it to catch fire.

"How about I just write the answers down?" Lavender suggested.

She kind of wanted to see what the questions were before Snape lost his temper and decided to tear the thing up.

She took his silence as a 'yes' and took the parchment from the desk.

She answered each question as best she could. When she was done, she handed it back to Snape who folded the parchment up and placed it in his desk drawer for the time being.

"In your contract you mentioned wanting to learn dueling and occlumency. Which would you like to start on first?"

"Let's do a mixture of both." Lavender decided, "I'm confident that I'm better than Harry in dueling right now, but I still need to improve before our official duel. Occlumency is also important. I mean, with Voldemort being in the school right now, it would be pretty bad if he read my mind and saw memories of the future, right?"

Snape paled considerably,

"The Dark Lord…is here?"

"Of course, he is." Lavender tilted her head to the side, "I wrote that down on the questionnaire you gave me."

Snape immediately opened up his desk and started reading through the questions and answers.

Who is the best Defense Against the Dark Arts professor you ever have?

Hard to say. Kind of a tie between Professor Lupin and the Death Eater who kidnapped and impersonated Mad-Eye Moody.

Can you think of anything that might help in locating the horcruxes?

Harry breaks into Gringotts bank and escapes on the back of a dragon, so probably in one of those vaults. I heard something about a Regulus Black, but I dunno.

Does Professor Snape ever get laid?

"It's none of his bloody business!" Snape steamed at the question, then saw the answer written below it in black ink.

Well, there's a juicy rumor about him and Rosemerta, from the Three Broomsticks. I can kind of see it. She does have a 'Queen of Hell' vibe going for her.

Are there any immediate threats which I ought to be made aware of?

Yes. Actually Satan is teaching at Hogwarts. Also, Voldemort is currently possessing Professor Quirrell. If you took off his turban, you'd see Voldemort's face on the back of his head. But wait until Christmas and the Weasley twins will pelt him with snowballs, it'll be hilarious! You know, if he doesn't try killing anyone first. He's also drinking the blood of unicorns during the night time.

There's a giant basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets beneath the school but that shouldn't be released until next year.

Who does Remus Lupin marry?

Nymphadora Tonks. They also have a baby together, Teddy Lupin. Word has it that Harry will be named the godfather. Don't tell him though, that's a secret!

What is the Battle of Hogwarts?

Voldemort and his army try to invade Hogwarts. Everyone fights to defend the school in an all-or-nothing battle.

Snape drew in a slow breath. He knew…he just knew this girl was going to be the death of him.

"Actually Satan? Actually Satan? You there?" Lavender asked him.

"Stop your incessant waving, Brown! We'll start with occlumency." He decided.

"Cool. Mind shields." She perked up.

"In laments terms, yes." Snape felt the vein on his forehead throb with irritation, "Clear your mind as best you can, then I shall attempt to invade it."
"Clear my mind…" Lavender closed her eyes.

"You need to keep your eyes open." Snape's lips formed into a line.

"Oh, right." Lavender remembered hearing that if you broke contact, it was all over.

Like a staring contest.

Except, if she blinked, she won, and if Snape blinked…she also won?

"Clear your mind. Legilimency!"

Lavender felt a sting, memories flashed before her eyes. Getting her first wand at Ollivanders, watching Sailor Moon, a little bit of Cutie Honey.

"Boobies." Lavender chuckled a little, somehow becoming weirdly fixated on Cutie Honey's breasts.

The memories stopped flashing before Lavender's eyes.

"Brown! What are you doing?" Snape hissed at her, finally withdrawing, "I said clear your mind! And instead you decide to fixate on breasts."
Lavender blinked,

"Did you get stuck?"

Snape did not look amused by the crude double entendre.

Lavender felt her lips turn upwards,

"Did you want to see more boobies?"
"Are you taking this seriously?" Snape demanded.

"Of course, I am!" Lavender looked offended, "I wrote up a contract and everything. But, as soon as I started focusing on boobies…" her eyes widened, "That's it, isn't it? The key to occlumency. Focus on something you want to focus on so badly that your mind doesn't wander."
"That…actually is the first step to clearing one's mind." Snape rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Okay! For the win! Let's do this!" Lavender was determined now.

Snape drew in a slow breath through his nose,

"Legilimency."

Lavender thought of boobs. More specifically, Hermione Granger's boobs. She'd grown an impressive rack once she hit her sixth year.

Snape withdrew immediately. He felt vastly uncomfortable looking at the naked breasts of one of his students.

"Brown, please focus on something else."
"Why?" Lavender wondered, "It's working, isn't it?"
"You're making me look at breasts. It's inappropriate."

"Would it work on Voldemort?" Lavender asked him.

"Do not say his name in front of me." Snape hissed at her, then frowned. Would it work on the Dark Lord?

It was difficult to imagine such a confrontation.

"Some say," Lavender interrupted his thoughts, "That the most legendary power, the power of love and friendship could be overcome under the right circumstances by the power of the perfect pair of boobies."
"Would you stop saying 'boobies'!?" Snape raged.

Lavender stared at him, wide-eyed, then snorted and covered her mouth,

"I got Satan to say 'boobies.'"

In response, the potions master let out a scream of frustration.