Renaissance of Passion

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.

Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.

Previously

"You're right, I'm glad that it's not just me, I mean, wanting to take this to the level we should have years ago, but I know, I agree you need to know what you're letting your heart back into, and I need to know have you forgiven me, truly for all my mistakes, some you may not know about, yet."

"You mean your marriage and annulment?" Rick asked, and Kate gasped,

"How did, I mean yes that's one thing we need to talk about, another is your time with Beth, what went wrong, I mean I don't want to know the details of your sex life, but I do want to know what I can avoid doing that would hurt you, us, the relationship I want with you so badly."

***************************************************************************/

Chapter 2

Four Seasons Hotel

Rick's Suite,

Later Same Evening

Rick tossed and turned, even though he had fallen asleep he was never really into the deep sleep, but remained in the REM (Repetitive Eye Pattern) stage, with his memories sometimes almost overwhelming him with both good and some very awful memories. He thrashed around on the bed, tried several methods to get to the deep sleep pattern he so desperately wanted and needed without success.

He had told Kate he needed time, but time for what, to think about things neither could go back and undo? He thought for a long while and the vision of him standing there apologizing to her, then turning to walk away for what he truly believed was the last time, when he heard those words, "Castle, See you tomorrow". She had forgiven him, he had to get to the point of forgiveness of EVERYTHING, even events he wasn't aware of if they stood a chance in hell of surviving the next day, much less build a permanent relationship.

As he slid out of bed, he grabbed a robe and headed to the living room of the suite and noticed the door was not completely closed. He walked over to inspect why, and it had the security lock turned over to prevent the door from closing, but why? He repositioned the security lock and was just about to close the door when he heard,

"Rick, please don't shut the door, I don't have a key." He opened the door to find Kate pulling a suitcase behind her from the elevator bay, to the penthouse.

"Where did you go, and why did you have to go now Kate?"

"Rick, you have your change of clothes here, all my luggage is in my room, and I wanted to have clean clothes for later when, well I was hoping we could have breakfast and continue our talk if you've forgiven me by then"

"So, you didn't leave, you just went to get your clothes?" he asked still puzzled,

"Rick, I told you, I'm done with running, no I didn't leave and I won't until you tell me you don't love me as much as I love you and there is no hope for us having the relationship, we should have had years ago.

A sense of relief washed over him, as he looked at Beckett, looking more like a scared school girl than some terrifying counselor on the other side of the table in a courtroom.

"How long have you been up Rick, I couldn't sleep, so I wrote in my journal until I realized, all my clothes and essentials were in my room two floors down. I knew I needed a key to get the elevator back to this floor so I called the front desk, they agreed to meet me by the elevator bay, hold the elevator till I returned and then proceed back to this floor, but they would not use their keys to enter your suite.

"I'm sorry turning the security latch was the only way I could be sure the door wouldn't close completely and leave me out in the hall. I didn't want to disturb you, after last evening I know the hurt was coming back to you all over again, and I needed to give you the space you asked for, I'm sorry if I woke you."

"You didn't wake me, I never fell asleep, I kept thinking back to the day I went to apologize to you at the precinct, and as I turned to leave, I really believed it was the last time I would ever see you. You surprised me when you yelled out see you tomorrow, and I can't tell you how relieved I was."

"I was pretty pissed at you, well at the entire situation, but more at you for doing something I asked you not to do, I'm glad you did it now, but then, God I was so angry. I almost let you walk away, but then I looked at your chair, that ugly beat-up old chair, and it was empty like it would be every day if I let you walk away so I had to forgive you, I couldn't bear not seeing you.

"I know, I know I acted as if I hated you, that was so wrong, and I am so sorry but Rick, I have paid the price for that, the many nights I thought about you and Beth lying in bed together, a bed that should have been ours, so please don't think your time away didn't hurt me more than anything, and I did say anything in this world, including losing Mom."

Rick was shocked to hear the openness in her voice, and the admittance of her wrongdoing, not even hinting at anyone else to blame, quite the change from the Detective he had to walk away from four years earlier.

She shed a few silent tears, then looked up and regained her composure,

"You know I read every Bond book, and even the Heat series Rick, I loved them all, except I cried, all through the last two books you wrote about us, especially Exploding Heat. I picked up on the little nuisances that were so much our lives, and it hurt to see how I treated someone I loved that way."

"You said once a lot of what I write is my overactive imagination, that's what most of the books were, so don't put too much stock on the events in the book to what we experienced, a lot of literary licenses was taken to make the story flow." He said, trying to deflect her attention to the details they both knew were of Rick and Kate, not Rook and Heat.

"I cried when I started reading the last novel, first you had Rook leaving and Heat off on a vacation with Scheming, Rick, that wasn't your overactive imagination, that was you and I and my attempt to make you jealous with Deming. It failed, miserably and I hurt three people, you, Tom and lastly myself for being so juvenile.

"I had a lot of free time during the three-week suspension, so I used the gift you had given me the previous Christmas, the travel voucher and I went to the Bahamas by myself to get away. I finally understood what you meant when you had the need to get away from everything.

"I know you thought I had used the voucher for the trip with Josh, I let you believe that which was hurtful and I'm sorry. Lannie told me you thought you were paying for us to go shack up for a week, not quite but well you don't want to hear about him, not now anyway."

Rick's face turned ashen, he took a few deep breaths and then asked in a polite yet firm tone,

"If you knew it would hurt me Kate, WHY, did you allow me to think that? Did you take pleasure out of my hurt? Did it make you feel more like a courageous woman, or secure your relationship with your part-time doctor boyfriend?

I guess I'm having a hard time understanding how anyone with even an ounce of feeling can allow, or perpetuate actions that would cause anyone to hurt? Not even considering at that time I considered myself your partner? I know for a fact, you never treated anyone else that way. Not Sorenson, Not Royce, Not Deming, and certainly not the all-powerful and mighty Doctor Motorcycle Boy. WHY? Why was I the whipping boy Kate?"

Tears fall from her eyes, as she struggled to comprehend his words, she had heard something similar form Doctor Burke, but it was much more hurtful coming from the man she loved.

"Rick, please believe me, for a long time the answer was I don't know until Dr. Burke called me out on that BS answer. His words were 'you know Kate, whether or not you have the courage to admit it, but we both know you know the reason why you treated Mr. Castle the way you did'. After I admitted it to myself, he was right.

"It's stupid, but this is the truth, you were the only one in my life that cared enough to keep coming back, and you were getting closer to breaching those walls I had erected around my heart. It scared the hell out of me, what if you got to my heart, I knew I loved you, even as weird as that may sound to you, but if I let go, If I let you in? I would hurt as bad or worse when you went away, and Rick, every man in my life had left, all except Dad.

"It was you, Rick, it was always you no matter how hard I tried to fool you, others and myself, I know now just how fucked up that was on my end, I can only imagine what you're thinking."

Rick was quiet for a long while, then he said in a very soft tone,

"It doesn't take the hurtful memories away, but I can understand, at least see some reasoning behind your actions. It doesn't mean I forgive them, but I do understand where you were coming from better now, Thank You for being honest about that."

"Well, remember when you wanted to buy me everything from my own apartment to a pony before I forgave you for looking into my mother's case? I thought with your Birthday, I could make a Castle statement, the bigger the present, the more you would understand the more I loved you, and for that, I'm sorry as well.

"I know how awkward it was for you with the book, I'm not sure if it was Gina or Alexis but I would bet one of them made you answer my last voice mail, it's OK Rick, you were hurt, and now I had just dropped something on you that you had worshiped as a kid. I thought I was doing a good thing, you took it as I was trying to buy your forgiveness, instead of showing you love, the only way I could then."

"Well, I'm sorry as well that I slipped behind your back to start your Mom's scholarship fund, but after I talked to your Dad, I knew it was the right thing to do. He actually told me that I shouldn't take things so personally, that you always did things your own way, or I think he put it "She's a Rebel, just like her Grandfather, hard to tame, but well worth it once you two get your act together.

"She loves you Son, you don't see it, but as a Dad, you know we see things without ever hearing a word, and I know she's head over heels in love with you. If I'm any judge of character, which I am, I know you love her too. The question for you is how much? Enough to forgive her for all the hurt, and believe me, she owns all that, but do you love her enough to forgive and start a life that would make you both happy, or are you as stubborn as she is, willing to give up a life of love for who was right or wrong?"

"My Dad said all that? It's a miracle if any of my dates ever got past the death glare, or a good evening from him, he hated Josh, more than any of the previous ones. I think he knew he was cheating on me, and couldn't bring himself to tell me, a struggle he held in and hurt him, just as I hurt you."

"Well he was pretty direct with me, it surprised me since I barely knew him and I was not involved with his daughter, well in an official capacity anyway. He didn't spare the words or his emotions, nor did he try to defend your innocence which made me respect him even more. So, was that when you decided Kate?"

"Decided what Rick? You had gone to England with Gina, and for all, I knew you weren't coming back anytime soon, I did a lot of things to avoid going to places we did. I joined the gym, I started back with yoga, and running in earnest."

"You know what I mean Kate, is that when you decided to go back to law school, and pick up YOUR life, the one you deserted on your quest for justice for your Mother?"

"Yes, I thought that if you never came back, I could still have one part of my dream, my law degree even if I never practiced a day in my life. I always wanted a marriage like my parents, a husband who loved me the way Dad loved Mom and when I realized I had just thrown him away I had to do something to occupy the long, lonely hours. I only got snippets of information, but from everything here, you and Beth were beginning a beautiful relationship, one I had no business or desire to come between"

"Yeah, well I heard all about the Show me Your Boob case when you saved Esposito's ass, I guess he had drug Ryan along acting all macho, so you see, no matter if I asked or not, I heard about Kate, the precinct, and the good old days. I know that case embarrassed you, but I laughed when I remembered Royce's stories he shared when he was in the precinct that day."

"I can guess how you found out about that, Lanie to Alexis, to you, I bet that was a big hoot to you" she blushed, more embarrassed than proud of saving her boys' lives.

"Kate, I heard it from your Dad, I guess he found out from Lanie, but you know it's better to be embarrassed for a few weeks than to lose your two friends, and to me that just proved what a dedicated cop, and friend you really were"

"My Dad? Really, I didn't know that he knew, I'm going to kill Lanie" her embarrassment grew as her face got even redder,

Rick smiled, until Kate looked up, and said shyly,

"I started running past the Loft just in hopes that I could see you and when I did, I wish I hadn't. You were kissing Gina goodbye, and holding Alexis, but Beth, God she looked like she worshiped the ground you walked on, I knew then that you were in a real relationship, one that didn't leave me with any chances left.

"You looked at her the way you used to look at me, or maybe that was in my head, but I hurt so badly, I cried for a week. I know I had no claim, thanks to my own behavior but seeing you with her really hit it home I had lost you."

Rick looked very uncomfortable, but to his credit, if Kate were being this honest so would he.

"Kate, I tried to forget you, I tried so hard, I even warned Beth that it would take time, but well she was willing to settle for what I had left of my heart. She knew I loved you, hell she knew how deeply far before I ever did, and Kate, she never said a bad word about you. She wanted me to be happy, and for a while, I had convinced myself I was, I was over you."

Kate's tears fall freely now, but she weeps as silently as she can, still intent on every word he had to say.

Rick looked out of the window, not sure if the answers were there to be found, but he finally whispered,

"Yeah, I thought I had it all covered, then came the Awards Ceremony from Bob and I saw you again, I knew I wasn't over you, what was more hurtful was so did Beth, she never said a word, but she knew. I saw the hurt and I have never felt worse in my life, even though nothing was ever declared I knew, and so did she. Gina had warned her, you were my kryptonite, and I guess she was right, as she always was.

TBC