A Renaissance of Passion
by Castlefan6
Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!
I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.
Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.
Previously
"Well, I'm sorry as well that I slipped behind your back to start your Mom's scholarship fund, but after I talked to your Dad, I knew it was the right thing to do. He actually told me that I shouldn't take things so personally, that you always did things your own way, or I think he put it "She's a Rebel, just like her Grandfather, hard to tame, but well worth it once you two get your act together.
"She loves you Son, you don't see it, but as a Dad, you know we see things without ever hearing a word, and I know she's head over heels in love with you. If I'm any judge of character, which I am, I know you love her too. The question for you is how much? Enough to forgive her for all the hurt, and believe me, she owns all that, but do you love her enough to forgive and start a life that would make you both happy, or are you as stubborn as she is, willing to give up a life of love for who was right or wrong?"
"My Dad said all that? It's a miracle if any of my dates ever got past the death glare, or a good evening from him, he hated Josh, more than any of the previous ones. I think he knew he was cheating on me, and couldn't bring himself to tell me, a struggle he held in and hurt him, just as I hurt you."
***************************************************************************/
Chapter 3
Four Seasons Hotel
Rick's Suite,
Day Break, Next Day
Kate looked up, and saw the sun shining through the curtains,
"Rick, do you realize it's sunrise, the sun is coming up, have we talked all night?"
Rick glanced at the curtain, then asked, "Do you want to stop, or should I order a large pot of coffee?"
She smiled timidly, "Coffee if we can keep talking, Rick, I've missed this so much, even if somethings are hard to hear, at least we're communicating, no subtext, no reading between the lines."
Rick smiled, "I've missed this, I've missed you Kate, but we need to talk things out, before, well before we take the next step" as he ordered room service.
Kate went and freshened up, she always brushed her teeth by now, and she was so afraid of morning breath. She heard Rick gargling from across the room, she smiled to herself, at least I'm not the only one.
Settling back down with a fresh cup of coffee, and feeling better after the break, Rick asked,
"Where were we?"
"You had tried to forget me, then the Awards ceremony came, and I sort of pushed a talk."
Rick blushed when he heard Kate repeat the words, get over her, it still hurt, but they needed to hear it all, no sugar coating.
"I'm sorry Kate, but honesty in everything we say, I didn't say that to hurt you"
"Rick, I know that, and as hard as it is to hear, the words that hurt me the most are my own thrown back at me, I was so cruel, "
"Not cruel, well not on purpose, you were trying to keep me from getting too close, as I said I understand the why, it still hurts and the actions are still hard to forgive but understanding the motives help a lot."
"Do you remember our walk and talk Rick? I mean I have replayed almost every word since you've been gone. I'm sorry first I implied that you and Gina were back together, then I said you and Beth were an item, but to my defense, Beth loved you back then Rick, really loved you. I think I watched her devotion to you, and thought, it was all over for me."
"Well you had jumped to conclusions about just about everything else, and I was fully aware of Beth's feelings, one more of my tortured internal debates. You said you loved me during that walk, I was taken back and confused, I knew without a doubt that Beth did, but your confession threw me. I kept asking the same question how could you and hurt me over and over.
"Then you admitted being in therapy, you seemed surprised to find I had been also, and then worried were you the impetus, it was before you, just when, it doesn't matter, that's not material to what we're talking about." He looked down, almost like he wanted it to stay private
"Rick, it is, but I respect your privacy, you can tell me or hold it in, I won't push, but I'm here for you just as you have been for me, God, you'll never know how many times I played what you said over and over in my head when things got tough.
"You admitted to me for the first time that night that this man I had so high, so much better than I could ever hope for was just a man, with cracks, and faults like us all. You admitted 'I used humor often to deflect hurt, not being good enough, Hell three relationships, three in the dumper, so what's the common denominator, me.
"That's why no matter how many bestsellers, how much money, how many people want to be around me, is if for me, or for what I can give them. Esposito and Ryan were never my friends, they were yours, they tolerated me because of Knicks tickets, weekends with the Ferrari, and free booze at the Haunt, to say they are my friends, No I really can't.' Kate had quoted him word for word,
"You remembered it word for word Kate?" he asked,
She bowed her head, "Rick, I've had four years of nightly reruns to rehearse that talk, the one I thought was the last time, the last time I would have a chance to speak to you.
"You also told me that I said a lot of things, many you knew I didn't mean, but after a while, they wore on your confidence, like when I always said, what would a world-famous author see in a cop, yet you felt inferior, and those words just made you feel even less of a man.
"Finally, when you got hurt, and yes Josh was the turning point you stood up to me, to everyone, knowing then that all hopes of ever keeping our friendship, much less anything more. It didn't matter then, and frankly, it hasn't changed today.
'Then you challenged me when I told you I loved you, I almost passed out when I heard your words, '
"You say you love me, yet not much has changed, you're still chasing the man who hired your Mom's killer, and that's fine, I knew that when I met you. I thought somehow, someway I could work over, under or around those walls to reach your heart. When I failed for my last time, you chose Josh over me, knowing that you loved me, but you were afraid of not having your Mom's case as your number one priority."
Rick was looking down, out the window, anywhere but near her, the pain of the words still fresh even after all this time, I'm sorry Kate, I didn't mean to be so rough, but*"
"You were hurt, and hurt badly Rick, I could never stop hearing your voice in my dreams repeating; 'I've had my heart broken before, I've been cheated on, lied to, but I never have been made to feel less than what I know I am, a man with my own unique qualities. I don't need a badge, a gun, a scalpel, I make a difference in my own way. You not only stabbed me, but you also twisted it so I could feel the full effect every chance you or your boys got.' This time the tears did indeed start falling, as always Rick handed her his handkerchief without saying a word,
He waited a few minutes, allowing her to catch her breath and the tears subside for a few moments,
"Do you remember what else you asked me that day Kate?"
"I asked if you could finally forgive me, the last time we spoke you said you couldn't let go of that hurt yet, and you replied, "I lied Kate, I had already forgiven you, but I guess I wanted you to feel some of the pain I had felt, and for that I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."
Then I promised you I loved you, more than anyone, anything in this world, and wanted a chance to prove it, but you and I both knew I was too late.
We had reached Remy's then and you let me know that nothing was going on with you and Beth, but also that you weren't ready for any relationship with anyone, Then, well"
"Yeah then it happened Kate, the day we all wish we could have gone back in time and changed the script, Roy made a wrong right, the only way he knew how. He was a cop's cop and he cared about us all,"
Kate sat there she seemed to be too far away from Rick, she needed to touch him, the time and distance she had endured were catching up with her, if only for a moment, even if he rejected her, so she took the bold step of stepping over and sitting in his lap, laying her head on his chest and openly weeping.
To her surprise, he gently pulled her into him closely and began kissing her head and forehead, whispering, "Babe, it's OK, we'll get through this, I promise, I'm here, not going anywhere, as she held him tighter and wept.
"Rick there were so many things I wanted, I needed to say to you, but it seemed like there was always someone around, I thought I would have time after the service for Roy, but well," her voice cracks again, tears fall silently on Rick's shirt, as he pulled her closer and even tighter,
"Shh, Shh, I know Babe, I know, don't go back there, please I mean I don't know if I could take it again, "his voice cried out somewhere between a cry and moan.
She looked up to see the tears in the corner of his eyes, realizing for perhaps the first time, how much he had hurt when she hurt, his arms held her tightly just as they did, that day. God that day, he said those words, the words that kept her from crossing over, she was so tired. She remembered seeing her Mom, Roy, even Royce, but even that pull wasn't enough to make her let go of those three words he just said, 'Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate.'
He didn't know what those words had and still mean to her, it was her strength when she thought she couldn't take one more step in therapy, when the PTSD got so bad she spent more time under tables than sitting at one, and the long lonely nights she spent pursuing her second love, yes she could now admit she loved him more than anyone or anything in the world.
She looked into his eyes, thinking about how much his love had already changed her life, but she had to know for sure, "Did you mean it, Rick, I mean the words you said as you held me when I was shot, did you really mean them? I know a lot of people say things when they think someone is dying, to ease the transition, but were you telling me the truth? It's OK if you didn't*"
He answered her with a passionate kiss filled with all the love he could find in his heart, "Of course I meant it, Kate, I love you, I've always loved you and I always will" he held her as he would the most precious cargo, and kissed her head, then her lips then her eyes.
"Well, can I tell you something about that day, if it's too upsetting, I'll just keep it inside, but I think you need to hear this, for you for me, for us. Should I continue Rick?"
He wiped his eyes quickly and then just nodded, "If you think I need to know it, please tell me, I trust you," his words washing over her like a healing balm, he trusted her.
"Babe, I know you said I love You, Kate, before that, I think you said Kate, shh… Kate. Stay with me, Kate. Don't leave me, please. Stay with me, okay?"
He nodded, holding just a bit tighter,
"Well, I was so tired Rick, so very tired, I thought about giving up, then I heard those words, and I fought my way back, back to you. One time I saw my Mother, Roy, and Mike Royce all standing with open arms waiting for me to walk towards them, then I heard those three words again, I love you, and I had to come back to you Rick, I loved you so much and never told you." By the time she was finished, both of their eyes were filled with tears, a few stray ones dripping from Rick's eyes.
"You actually saw your Mom, Roy, and Royce and fought to come back to me?" he was thinking it had to be the time she coded in the ambulance, she was so close to death.
"I did Rick, I had to tell you, I've loved you for years, since the Candela case when you thought it was Will I was working my way to, it was you, it's always been you. I know I messed it up, but we're here, I want to do it right, no more running, no more lies." She kissed his lips gently, noticing the fear on his face, "I made it back Babe, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere" then another kiss, as she felt his body begin to relax a little.
"I was so afraid Kate, so afraid I would never see you, and the last thing we had said to each other were words of anger, I hated myself, I hated the world, and I hated the bastards who killed Roy and tried to kill you. I wasn't much use I mean I did"
"Rick, eh, no lies remember, that goes for you as well, we both know it was the direct pressure, and your soothing voice is the reason I'm still here. I know I ruined your good suit, and hell the cost of that handkerchief was more than my dress blues," she tried to laugh through her tears,
"Well, I didn't get to you in time, I mean I tried, I really did. I wasn't trying to get shot, hell you would have shot me yourself if I had for all of the paperwork you would have had to do, (a small smile), but I couldn't stand by and watch the love of my life perish in front of me, I would die for you Kate Beckett, I love you that much." He looked into her eyes, and she immediately got lost in those deep blue orbits,
Her tears fell gently, he wiped them away, then kissed each eye, and said so sweetly,
"No need for tears Babe, we have the rest of our lives, we both have a lot of making up for lost time to do"
He held her and gently swayed to a song no one could hear but the two of them even if it were only in their minds. He didn't know how long they had remained quiet, but it felt so good to be holding her, he didn't want to wake up if it were only a dream. Finally, a small tiny voice was heard,
"Rick, please tell me this is real, I don't want to ever wake if it's only a dream." He squeezed her gently,
"Not a dream Babe, I was worried too, but we're really here, really talking and Kate, I think we've talked enough for our first night, I want to*"
She had already led him to the bedroom and had begun taking her top off, as her nude shoulder was now visible, Rick knew he couldn't stop, some times you just have to show her how much you love her,
TBC