Lizard
Chapter 9
"The End." He said flicking the torn paper from his beer bottle into the dying embers of the BBQ.
He watched as it burned brightly and quickly, the flame briefly lighting up his beautiful face.
There was only Rob left to hear Charles' statement, but he didn't care.
The night was cold and frosty. Sam had had a crazy idea that this New Year's Day they should have a family BBQ... in the snow. No one had said 'no' to him, aware he had a lot of adjusting too. And so, as an odd extended family, they roasted a joint and some vegetables outside in Rebecca and Rob's garden, enjoyed the novelty for a while, then all rushed inside to eat. They all laughed it was a nice idea, in theory. In practice not so good.
It was now later on in the evening. Sam, bored with the old folks, had gone out with his friends. While Charles' Mum was napping on the sofa, and Rebecca was putting the twins down for the night. And so that left Rob having a sly festive cigarette outside, while Charles kept him company.
"I guess it is mate." Rob slapped him on the back, consoling him, and just answered automatically. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah. My own fault." He sighed as he swigged the last of the beer. "I don't know... I just never thought..." He shook his head not even attempting to finish off the sentence.
"She's moved on. It was a long time ago; you and her. Maybe…." Rob tried. "You need to as well... you know move on?"
Rob had accepted Charles in to his life, he seemed part of the same package that came with Rebecca. Never saw him as a threat, and Charles never came across as one. Truth be told Rob struggled to imagine him as the strong leader that both Sam and Rebecca once knew and talked about. From the first day Rob had met Charles he'd been sort of broken, and he soon realised he was broken because he had lost Molly. Rob struggled to understand the whole PTSD side of things, the military life all very alien to him; plus his first wife had cheated on him, so he struggled to have too much sympathy for Charles. He simply viewed him as the adulterer he was. Still he liked him, and was happy to welcome him into his home... for Sam and Rebecca's sake.
Silence then fell between them, there was little more to say. Eventually Rob left Charles alone with his thoughts.
He often went back to that day. He often wondered how he could have played it differently, and knew he should have. Wondered if he had spoken up about how he still loved her things might have been different. Yet he hadn't, and all hopes, all dreams ended when she uttered the words 'and I've said yes.'
His Molly had moved on. His Molly was soon to become another's.
Of course he had congratulated her. He had moved awkwardly forward to give her a painful hug, and then he retreated. Physically retreated back around to his side of the desk where he sat down and played absently with a pen. Mentally he retreated behind the false mask of indifference he'd been so used to showing her in the dying days of their marriage.
There was small talk for a few more minutes. He saw how she blew on her cup of tea desperate for it to be cool enough. Desperate to drink it, fast, and leave. His heart ached at how uncomfortable she was with him. How she sat there with a degree of desperation, and maybe even expectation from him, yet he was unable to deliver it.
So she stood to leave. Straight, confident and reserved with her goodbyes. He ran his hands through his hair, unsure whether a hand shake or a hug was appropriate when saying goodbye to your ex-wife for good. Instead he reverted to type. The stiff upper lipped arse hole he had once been. Instead of moving closer to her begging her for another chance. He merely stood and leaned over his desk, hands supporting him on either side, and for want of any better words to say dismissed her on her way.
He was a fool. She looked at him, and he saw hurt. She turned away from him. She wished him well but her back remained to him. He saw her shoulders shudder once, twice and he was unsure if she was crying, but then she left, and he'd never know. He let her go again and he felt pain.
A lump of melting snow slid off the roof and startled him out of his black day dreams, he moved inside. Rob offered him another beer and the two men started to clean up. Happily going about the tasks, with small talk.
"I reckon she's fallen asleep." Rob commented as he looked at the clock. "Fallen asleep reading the twins their bed time story I guess."
Charles laughed.
"Sounds like Rebecca."
"Yeah well you know what she was like with the twins. Couldn't keep her eyes open, and that was five years ago. She's even more tired now." Rob justified his slumbering wife's absence.
Charles smiled remembering how even when she was much younger, during her first pregnancy with Sam, she was even wiped out then with tiredness.
"I remember, when she was pregnant with Sam, she once feel asleep in a cafe". Charles laughed at the memory. "She was so embarrassed when the owner had to wake her up because it was closing time."
"She never told me that one." Rob laughed. "But poor girl, it's hard on her... being what they call a 'geriatric mother'... plus having the twins to run around after... she's exhausted."
"All's good though? Right? She's well?" Charles asked. He still cared about her.
"God. Yeah." Rob confirmed. "She just likes complaining." He turned away and started to put the dried plates away. "It's good." He said with his head deep in the dresser. "She has Molly to moan to... and they have been comparing symptoms."
Rob knew as soon as he said it, it was the wrong thing to have said.
Charles knew as soon as he heard the words, they were words he didn't want to hear.
"Symptoms?" Was all he asked. "She's pregnant! Molly's pregnant?"
"Fuck fella. I thought you knew." Rob stood up straight and looked uncomfortably over to Charles
One half of him should have known Charles would not have known about Molly being pregnant. He knew the family, Margaret and Rebecca, tried to keep bad news away from him. He still was, and still needed to be managed by them all. Yet on the other hand Rob argued with himself, he felt Charles should know. Maybe even hearing the news would let Charles give up Molly.
His mind turned the news over and over again. Accepting she was lost. There was always the hope she wouldn't marry George, but now with a child on the way there was no way back. He saw that, and slowly began to understand, to realise. The news brought him some relief. It was though this final bit of news was what Charles had been waiting for, the information starting him on a path of breaking free from the crushing hope he'd always had about them.
It was an early Christmas present Molly certainly hadn't expected and was totally floored by it. The increasing discussions they'd been having about the wedding, the job, her residency, all suddenly would be ramped up once the news was out. It was a lot to get her head around, no matter how hard she tried.
Hard because there were some days she couldn't feel as enthusiastic about it all as she ought to have. The lack of support from home over her decision, and the hurt she felt from her last time at home, still praying on her mind. On top of that she'd been feeling odd, off colour, for a few weeks. Exhausted, drained, after each long shift, and blamed it on delayed jet lag. Then the hyper sensitive taste and smell symptoms caused her to go off her food.
George, she knew, was concerned; he always was lately. Usually his Molly was a force to be reckoned with, but now he saw the change in her and began to worry. Once or twice he mentioned the black circles under her eyes, her lack of proper meals, but each time she battered his care away. Finding excuses, and reasons, distractions each and every time.
He couldn't let it continue and as the weeks rolled closer to Christmas
he felt he had to address the problem. He feared the reason. Thought it was down to cold feet. Thought she was scared, or the very worst, had changed her mind. And so he hesitated again and again about asking her what was wrong.
He'd been so happy, so surprised. when she had accepted his marriage proposal. It had been everything that he had wanted, and right now he couldn't bear to let her go.
"Are you ok?" He asked carefully as they sat in his on call lounge at the rescue centre.
His shifts were the total opposite to hers for the next month, and her visiting him at his work was the only way they were spending anytime with each other. Despite it all, she seemed to still want to do that.
He waited for her reply. Over the past couple of days he'd asked that question a lot, and each and every time the reply had been shorter.
This time though she didn't snap at him. Instead she just turned around and nuzzled her face deeply into his chest. The scratchiness of his flight suit reminding her of exactly where there were.
That she couldn't, wouldn't, cause too much of a scene about all of this. About what she had to say.
She pulled her head away from him and saw sincerity and fear etched on his face all at once. She wasn't being fair to him. He was suffering and she didn't want to hurt him. She needed to tell him.
"I'm pregnant." She said looking directly into his eyes. "About six weeks I reckon."
And then she waited.
Kids were always something she'd wanted. Wanted them with Charles, but neither of them could see a way to that happening while they both were in the Army. Both, during the early days, not willing to sacrifice their individual dreams for the sake of having children. So she had put them out of her life plan, and moved on instead with her career. She had been so thankful, that when her and Charles did fall apart, that they had never taken any steps to have them. That it was just two adults that were affected by their separation.
With George, the talk of having children once again in her life, had been touched on. He wanted them, he told her, desperately wanted them, and she surprised him, but not herself, when she admitted she did too. Both agreeing that it needed to be right, the right time for them both, the right place for them both, and now she was pregnant she guessed that it was. Fate had intervened.
Watching his face as she delivered the news she had no fears. She knew this was what he wanted. He was just getting his wish sooner rather than later.
"Pregnant Mols?" He choked out. "Really?"
"Yes!" She smiled back at him and squeezed a few tears of happiness from her eyes to show him how pleased she was too.
He stepped back and for a moment she thought she'd had it all wrong. His face was blank.
Then he stepped back into her personal space, and held onto her arms.
"Are you?" He began. "I mean... are you happy? Ok about this?"
"Shitting delighted." She giggled as she threw her arms around him and kissed him.
It took him merely moments to catch up with her as she pressed her lips into his. He felt her delight, and his burst forth too.
"I'm going to be a father." He laughed out loud and the kiss ended.
He threaded his fingers through her hair and gazed at her.
"I love you. I really love you." He pulled her tight into him again. Crushing her face into his. Effectively silencing her. It was what he always did after he told her he loved her. It made him feel safe, it made him feel connected to her, and it stopped him from being disappointed when she never used to say the words back.
This time though he was surprised. She forced her head back from his grasp.
"And I love you too." She shyly replied looking at him as she rubbed her hand over her invisible bump.
"It won't be like this forever Sam." Charles said as his son moped around the garden.
It was the end of a long hot August, and Sam was definitely feeling stir crazy. His life had changed so much in the past weeks. Rebecca had given birth, to a lovely, loud baby boy, and Sam had received his A level results. He was off to university, and his start date couldn't come quick enough.
"Your Mum is just really busy with the baby and the girls." Charles tried to make him feel better.
"I know, but Dad you'd think she'd be a bit interested in where I'm going and that." Sam wined.
"She is." Charles laughed. "She's just got baby brain for a few weeks that's all."
He went over and hugged his son. Something that Sam didn't allow very often. It thrilled him when his son hugged him back. They had both come a long way to feel this comfortable with each other again.
"She still loves you. You know that right?" He said.
Sam, heard his Dad, but pulled away. Instead he grunted and went in doors and to his room; he was staying with his dad to get away from all the crying and noise at home. His attempt at finding some peace for a while.
Charles watched him go, and remained looking around the garden of the house he'd lived in for nearly two years.
It was a beautiful English summers day. The flowers were blooming, the insects making the garden alive with noise. He sighed as he knew he was so going to miss it all.
Yet he knew it was time. He was moving on. A secondment through the charity had come up. A personal request actually from some aid organisation that had heard about him and the charity's work. An offer for a year's placement in America to study how they managed their immigrants, their education and their training.
At first he'd been reluctant to leave. He felt he was just getting started with the charity, despite being there for two years. Yet as he saw their need increase in size and demand, he knew some changes needed to be made. The secondment was the perfect opportunity to learn.
He also saw how Rebecca was changing, and it was a constant reminder that Molly's body would be mirroring hers in size and needs, and he knew he needed to move on. Every time he saw Rebecca and her progress, he appreciate more and more how little his life had.
He now felt it was time to stop punishing himself over Molly and their marriage. Over Elvis. Over Georgie. It was time at start again. He knew he'd always love her, and would regret the pain he caused her. Yet he'd always want her to be happy. She deserved that after his crimes against her, and if George was what made her happy then so be it.
The e mails stopped. Just as she had asked. There were no more texts. Her number deleted from his phone. The box of memories he'd kept from their marriage, stored away in his mother's shed. He intended to become the man he had been all those years ago. A new start, and America was going to give him that.
His only guilt was about leaving his mother, but she was forgiving in her consent. She knew it was necessary, and wanted the best for him. He once again would be leaving Sam too and felt sad, but he knew he was off on his next adventure in life and didn't quite need his Dad as once he had.
In fact no one needed Charles anymore like they used to. Partly because he wasn't the man he was any more, and partly because everyone else had moved on. They had left him behind.
He'd planned to leave at the start of September, wanting to be away by the month October. A month he always associated with Molly and her return, and so he expected no less this time. He guessed with a new born she'd probably be over longer too. Proudly showing off her baby to all, his mother and Rebecca included, and he intended to be well away from that hurtful and awkward situation.
Yet he delayed his departure by several weeks. For Sam. Rebecca too caught up in nappies and bottles, he saw his son needed help. And so Charles waited until the middle of October before he planned to leave. The intervening weeks he therefore spent packing Sam up and moving him into his Uni digs were busy and expensive.
Time flew by and he neglected to do a lot for himself. He was keeping the house, the wrong time to sell. Instead he'd planned on locking it up and putting his car in to storage, despite Sam's pleas to give it to him! But he still needed to tidy things ways, make plans and buy the last few essential items before his departure, and his last few days were spent madly shopping and packing.
"Don't take the piss Bella." Molly flared at her younger sister.
The baby was in the pram, asleep and Molly was ready to go.
"I said I'd do this for you as a favour. This ain't happening every day. Got that?" Molly warned her.
She pushed the pram out of her parent's home and accepted a stranger's help rather than struggle down all those stairs on her own.
Molly and been home, alone, now for several weeks and this was the first time going into the city on her own.
Just baby and her.
She was nervous but knew she was more than capable. Besides she was relishing the time alone without everyone staring at her checking she was ok.
She was fine, well not totally fine, but she was getting there, and she needed today to prove it to herself and others.
When she told Bella and her mum that she was going into the capital's centre for the day they thought she was mad. They tried to dissuade her. Told her it was too busy, too crowded for a pram and a new born, but Molly insisted. She was home, back in England. She had shopping to do, a tradition to keep and no tiny baby was going to stop her.
It took her a whole half an hour of struggling and sweating before she knew that she had made a mistake. She'd reached too far. Today, now was not the time to prove anything to anyone. She needed longer. She needed to do something simpler.
She looked around and realised where she was. Recognised the area and changed her plans. She wouldn't be shopping today. Today, instead, she'd spend with tiny, sleeping, baby Amy in the park they had just discovered. They'd feed the ducks, they'd have a picnic, they'd just simply chill out together and bond.
Molly found a comfy seat and reached for her phone. Totally unsurprised when she saw that there had been umpteen texts from Bella and her Mum asking if she was ok. She answered each and every one. Hoping by doing so she'd give them some confidence in her.
It was a beautiful day, surprisingly so for early October and surprisingly Amy slept on. Molly guessed the fresh air was benefiting them all.
Her phone beeped and she annoyingly took it out of her pocket again. Except this time it wasn't her family who was texting; it was George. His daily text checking up that she was ok, and that no matter what, he still and always would, love her.
She smiled as she texted him back that she was fine and she loved him too. Happy that she could finally say those words to him, and that she did so often.
They had come a long way in the past months. They had become engaged, found out they were to be parents, and planned their wedding. All boxes were ticked for a happy ever after. Both enjoying the ride, and then the disaster happened.
At first she woke up thinking his pager had gone off, then realised he wasn't there next to her. Away on some training exercise with the rest of the service. She felt unsettled by his absence, unusually so, and then the pain hit her.
The cramping definite pain that every pregnant woman dreads. She was only 12 weeks pregnant. They had only just told all their friends and family. She couldn't believe it was happening, and it was happening while she was alone.
Next came the bleeding and the shivers. Molly knew and called on her friends for help. Ironically it was Mia who was there first and who drove her to the hospital. George uncontactable, Mia stayed with her throughout it all. Yet there was nothing to be done, by anyone. She had lost the baby, and all she could was to meet head on the pity she saw in everyone eyes.
A day before she had been happy, hopeful and planning a life with George and their baby. Now she was empty. Alone in a strange hospital bed, and no energy in her to plan anything ever again.
Mia stayed with her for the next day, until George came smashing through the door. Molly knew by his face he had heard, and she knew he was asking the same question to the Gods that she had done...why?
He dived straight in to her, and they held each other like they had never done so before. They needed the connection for their grief. He cried, she apologised. He said sorry, she cried. It was a pattern that was repeated constantly over the next several days and weeks.
They both hurt. George was lucky he had friends and family around him. They were there for him. They were there for Molly too, but as the weeks moved on she resented that he had his people, while she didn't have hers, close by.
The wedding plans stalled, then stopped. Both agreeing they needed time to grieve for their child before they could do anything else.
They still held onto each other. They still turned to each other, but it was not as before. Something was different. They both had lost something that they would never get back and it broke them apart from each other little by little. Day by day.
Everyone said it was natural. It took time. Everyone said it was to be expected and they both just smiled and held each other's hand, but both knew that this time for them it was a little bit more.
For months she grieved, even to this day she still did, and she still would have continued in the cycle of sadness and expectation if his mother hadn't said something stupid. So stupid, but to both of them it was a wakeup call.
Over a family dinner, one where they both tried to smile and pretend, his mother suggested that they try again. Try for another baby. George was furious at her, Molly amazed. Both left very soon, leaving behind a contrite matriarch.
However George's mothers words had stung them. They were young. They were in love... right? Wasn't it therefore natural that they did try again, if not actually do it, at least talk about it, or expect it one day.
Yet they both realised that neither of them did. They both still loved each other. Both still saw each other as their best friend, but they both didn't want to try anymore.
They didn't want to try for another baby. They didn't want to try to get back to how they were. They didn't want to get married. Whatever they had had was no longer. They both accepted that, and knew it was time to say goodbye.
That was hard. Molly loved her life out on New Zealand. Loved the job the people, and had loved him. Loved him just enough to have considered leaving her family behind and moving there forever. But not now. Her miscarriage had shown her she needed her family. She need her own country. She needed to go home.
And so that was what our girl, Molly Dawes, did. The end of her contract, the end of September saw her in a heart breaking goodbye with George, and all those she had known over the past four years. She said goodbye to a man she truly loved, always would love him, but just not enough.
Her arrival home caused more tears. Those of happiness and those of sadness. All treated her differently and delicately. Watching over her continuously, especially when Bella was around.
Her younger sister Bella appeared to be repeating her mother's past mistakes. She had got herself involved with a no hoper, a waste of space, and had fallen pregnant by him. Her due date days away from Molly's permanent arrival home.
Everyone expected Molly to be a mess. Not to cope around Bella but she wasn't. This was Bella's baby not hers. It was sad and painful at times, but not once did she envy or begrudge her sister a moment of the wonderful experience she was going through.
The day Amy was born was frantic and loud. Molly supported her sister all the way through the birth. The no hoper nowhere to be seen. It was only then. Just that once, when Molly held her niece, that she almost crumpled as she remembered her own baby. How they would have been so close in birth days, and how this bundle she was holding could have been hers.
As expected Bella needed a lot of help with the baby. Now living back at home and dependent on her family for all the support, emotionally and financially. And so that was why Molly had chosen to take her baby niece out for the day. To give Bella and the rest of the house hold a break from the crying new born. As well as to give Molly a break from her family.
As if on cue Amy woke, and her lungs filled with shouts of hunger. Molly in a short time had become a dab hand at caring for the demanding bundle. She lifted her out of the pram, and expertly fed her. Cradling the bundle in her arms. Cooing softly as she sat on the park bench enjoying the closeness, and the peacefulness of the surroundings. Her heart was already lost to her baby niece.
He wished to take one final walk around his park before he said his goodbyes. This was the park he ran around every morning. The park that was filled with activity morning to night. Full of children, courting couples, mother and babies. It was always alive, and the warm autumn sunshine made it even more so today.
He walked slowly taking it all in. The colours, the sights, the smells, and then he saw her.
She looked beautiful.
His Molly.
Sitting peacefully and contentedly on a bench cradling a new born child.
He thought about going up to her and saying hello, but he knew he couldn't. He still loved her too much to see her with another man's child.
Maybe when he was stronger. Maybe when he had become the strong man he vowed to become again. Just not now.
He shook his head, as he watched her. Was tempted to call out to her, but yet again he didn't. Instead he raised his hand to his lips and blew her a kiss. Her back was to him and she never knew, but that didn't matter he'd know forever that he had kissed her one last time goodbye.
He turned. He knew it was definitely time to go. Time to leave her to her new life, her new husband and her new baby, who he knew would be as beautiful as her.
He turned and walked away from her.
Walked away from his past and towards his unknown future.