Lizard
Chapter 10
"You should charge by the box." Molly sniffed out taking another tissue. "You'd make a bleeding fortune with me around." She tried a laugh, but all she managed was a snotty gurgle.
Margaret delicately laughed though as she sat back and watched Molly, red eyed and puffy faced, wiping the tears away from her eyes once again. Still she wasn't sad about that, it was just so good to finally be there for Molly, be another shoulder for her to cry on, and she'd even joined in too. She felt the last couple of hours had been necessary, good for them both. A good cry was often just what was needed.
It was early January and this was the first time that Molly had been to see her since her permanent return home. Since it had all gone spectacularly wrong for her. She had stayed away from visiting them for months, on purpose. Her attempt at self-preservation. Even Rebecca and Sam hadn't had a visit from her. She wasn't strong enough for a while. They all understood that, kindly explained that to her, and they never pushed her. She was battered and bruised still, mentally and physically, still metaphorically speaking licking her wounds, and they knew one day she'd be in touch.
She didn't have to explain anything to them once she saw them. Of course they all knew. Even Charles, this time had been given the share of the sad news by them. Molly had made no secret when and why she had returned home for good, and it was a very sad day the day she telephoned Margaret and told her all. When she had shared how her world, yet again, had been broken right in front of her eyes.
Molly had always needed space. They all knew she needed time also, and that is just what they gave her. Despite how desperate they were to offer her their love and support. As the weeks past so did their expectations. Secretly Margaret had hoped she would visit them all over Christmas, but she didn't and they accepted that.
Margaret was therefore thrilled though when she called weeks later and asked if she could visit. There was never going to be any answer but yes.
And so here they were, on a dull January day. Sitting once again in her front room at Royal Bath Crescent. Talking like old friends do. Crying the way you can only cry in front of an old friend. Sharing their sadness and hopes for better days. There was also lots of laughter too. Lots of good times remembered.
Despite it all Molly was pleased to see that Margaret was doing better than her. She had, through the bridge club, reconnected with a few old friends of hers and Benny's, and her social life was acceptable. Christmas time had been especially hard, but she got through it. Just like she got through every day. She still missed Benny and had her moments, but compared to Molly she had no worries at all.
"It's fine." Margaret said as Molly pulled herself togethers. "And I'm sorry for you love. So very sorry."
That was all she needed to say for now. She knew Molly to well, and dwelling on a situation, giving her pity was the wrong thing to do. She did empathy our girl, but not sympathy.
Margaret saw her favourite ex daughter in law slap a brave smile on her face as she drank her tea. The tenacious Ms. Dawes was returning. A small release had been found and for now that was enough.
"So?" Molly began addressing the elephant in the room. They had been skirting around it all morning. "He's still out there then?"
"Yes." Margaret said as she slyly looked at Molly to see how affected she was talking about Charles. "Didn't even come home for Christmas." She said with a tinge of sadness. "Has a lot on. I understand that."
"Oh wow!" Replied Molly. "He must be having fun. I mean, to stay out there and that, for Christmas."
"I think he is." Margaret said, then continued as Molly appeared ok. "Well you know Charles?" Margaret said. "He's never happier than when on the move."
Silently Molly agreed as she listened to more tales about Charles and his new life.
From the start of them Molly had known that Charles had always loved the tours, the semi-permanent life style they gave, and she guessed she did too. Over the years she had considered maybe that was another reason they just didn't work. Neither of them really wanting to truly settle.
Yet after George, after the miscarriage, she knew that was no longer how she felt. Molly now knew what she very definitely wanted in her life was a home, a base. To be settled. Somewhere she could return to night after night after night.
"How's it living at home?" Margaret asked after she had finished talking about Charles. The Dawes clan she only too well remembered were loud and many in numbers. Molly had always loved the peace Charles' family home had to offer compared to hers, which is why her and Charles were such frequent visitors.
"Hell." Molly laughed. "I'm back to sharing me room, sleeping in a bunk bed with me little sister above me and me niece in a cot in the corner." She shook her head. "It's noisy. Busy…and it's doing me nut in." She replied honestly.
Margaret smiled. She saw the restraint on Molly's face, and appreciated how hard it must be. She was loyal. Loved her family, but every one had their limits.
"Must be hard. Any luck on the job front?" Margaret probed on.
Molly shook her head as she buttered another of Margaret's scones.
"Nah. Drawing a blank on that too." She said sadly. "Have a few shifts a week through an agency. Working with the Red Cross as a patient transport escort, but that's it. Enough to keep the wolf from the door but not enough to get me anywhere to live."
She bit into the scone.
"I'll definitely be living at home for the foreseeable." She scoffed.
It amazed Margaret how this brilliant girl, who had had so much within her grasp, so many times, had been robbed by Lady Luck of her chances again and again. Still she never moaned, never raged against the machine, she just kept on going. Kept on trying. Molly was, as Charles had always declared; special.
They soon parted and the house felt very empty once she had left, it always did. The rooms silent and dead Margaret reflected on how unfair it all was at times. There was Molly all squashed up in her family home while she had all this space, and it got her thinking. She wanted to help Molly and thought she knew just exactly how.
He was unsure just why he was doing this, but just knew he had to. It was the right thing to do. She had very much sold him on that. Once she had an idea in her head, she stuck to it. He laughed silently, as he did, as he had done so many times before realised it was because of her tenacity that he was attracted to strong women.
He nervously dialled the number he'd never forgotten and waited. Unsure if she'd answer, never mind if she'd agree to his plan. Margaret and Charles' plan.
"Hello?" She picked up his call, and that was more than he had dared hoped for. Then he realised his number would not have come up on her phone. Trans-Atlantic numbers didn't, so she wouldn't have known who it was. Hence her suspicious greeting.
"Molly?" He asked. Though there was no doubt in his mind it was her voice. God how long, he wondered, had it been since he'd spoken to her over the phone? He suddenly became very nervous as the lightning bolt of memories hit him. Memories that were telling him the last time they had talked on the phone would probably have been when she had ended it with him. Before Lane, before he ruined it all.
He pushed that sickening thought down.
"It's Charles. Charles James." He added for clarity.
He said his name and he waited.
Unsure as to whether to be encouraged as he heard the hitch in her breath, and, by the fact she hadn't hung up on him instantly.
He knew a hundred and one things would be going around her head. They were probably the same thoughts as in his head too. It wasn't nice. He couldn't stop momentarily thinking about all the pain and suffering she had been through again. How the ending of her engagement, and the miscarriage must still hurt her each and every day.
The truth be told he'd been so shocked when he had heard the news. Certain that when he had set off for American he had silently said goodbye to her as she held her child, and was immersed in her new life. It was only many many weeks later, a throw away comment from his mother righted his mistaken beliefs, and identified the baby as Bella's. His heart broke on hearing about her suffering, it was a low time for him, and the guilt came back.
Guilt and misplaced blame, that somehow if he hadn't done what he had done, then she would not of had all this happen to her now. Yes he knew it was illogical, his mental health worker had told him that repeatedly over the years, but he still keenly felt it.
Still guilty though he was, on hearing the news he didn't not once think about returning home. Did not consider rushing back to console her, to tell her that he still loved her; even though he did. He knew that wouldn't do and wouldn't be right for them. It never would again. Instead he stuck with his plan. He'd made a decision to move on, give America a go, and that's what he was doing.
His involvement with her had hurt her once, many be had even hurt her twice, and he had no intention of doing it again. He would let Molly live her life, and he would live his. Separate.
Well that was his plan until his mother called with an alternative plan.
"Charles? Charles! Oh. Hello?" Molly answered his call, surprised.
"Hi." He said shyly back. It did feel good to hear her voice. "I... err... look. Sorry about calling you out of the blue and all that." He began. "It's just I'm home in a few weeks and well... Mum said you'd been talking...and I was wondering if you'd like to meet... for a coffee... tea I mean…sometime?"
He heard the sharp intake of breath, and realised this was the last thing she had expected.
"Don't worry." He attempted to laugh out. "I have something I want to talk to you about. Something that may interest you. That's all."
He was setting boundaries, but still he marvelled at just how nervous he was talking to her despite his business type tone.
"Oh?" Was all she said. In truth her ability to talk was beyond her.
"An idea I have." He almost apologised. "Any way as I say I'm back at the start of Feb. Thought we could talk then?"
She didn't know how it happened but she agreed. She had accepted his invite, and arranged voluntarily, without accident, to meet Charles once more.
As the day approached she told no one. She was past nervousness as she stepped off the bus and walked down the street to the cafe he'd suggested. She was beyond excitement. She was way past feeling anything except amazement she had agreed to meet him at all, and her ability to put one foot in front of the other.
As soon as she opened the door she saw him. Sitting nervously in the corner. Playing with the salt and pepper cellars on the table he was at. His long legs tucked under the table, and she could see them bouncing up and down with nerves. He looked so good. Casual, dressed in blue jeans and a soft blue cashmere jumper. He looked as good as he used to. He had evidence the American sunshine on his face, and it made him even more handsome in her eyes. His brown curly hair had streaks of lighter brown in them where the lucky sun had kissed them. His beautiful hands and slim fingers, still free from any gold band she noticed, drummed the table as he waited for her.
She knew she had made an effort. Pretended that morning and the days leading up to it that she hadn't, wouldn't. Yet she did. Her hair was loose and glossy, just how he used to like it. A small wave ran through it. She knew she still had the New Zealand tanned skin and her make up was therefore minimal, only her eyes were made up special. Again just how he liked it. She wore a colour she knew complimented her, and the jeans that flattered her. All the time she got ready that morning she told herself it was to give her confidence, but she knew, the way her heart traitorously fluttered when she saw him, she had done it all for him.
"Hi." He beamed a beautiful smile up at her when he saw her standing next to the table. "Good to see you Molly." He added. Amazed that he could speak so naturally when his heart was booming inside his chest so loudly.
All she could muster was a quiet 'hi' back and felt shy as he dipped his head and kissed her, friendly, on her cheek.
She caught a whiff of his unique smell, and almost hung on to him for moment too long.
"Hi." She smiled back as she took off her coat and sat opposite him. Just like that she thought, how easy it was to feel content in his company. "Good to see you too." She offered. "You look well. Really well."
"I am. I really am." He said back. And she knew he wasn't lying. Gone was his haunted look of past meetings. He looked healthier and happier than she had ever seen him before.
"That's good." She said almost sadly. Inexplicably sad that he was doing so well without her.
He pick up on her sadness.
"And you? I heard about... well I'm sorry Molly. Really sorry." And he was. It still hurt him to think about her pains.
"Yeah. Was a bit shit." She attempted a giggle but some rouge tears sprang to hers eyes and he saw.
He surprised her, and he surprised himself. He reached out automatically and grabbed her hand. Running her knuckles over with his thumb. Caressing her hand.
"It must have been so hard." He dipped his head to try to regain eye contact with her head as she hung it low.
Her lose hair had fallen like a curtain around her, and he was sorely tempted to pull it back and tuck it behind her ear, but he didn't.
She suddenly looked up and smiled. Wondering what was going through his mind as he gazed at her.
"Yeah." She straightened up and pulled her hands from his. She still feared pity. "So America? How's that?" As she pulled away she sat back in her chair. Creating a distance between them.
He picked up on her non verbals straight away. The change of subject, he saw the old Molly traits, and appreciated she needed to move on.
He leaned back in his chair too. A distance increasing once again between them.
"It's good Molly, really good." He answered honestly, almost without thinking.
She smiled at his reply, and asked him several questions about the secondment as they sipped their hot drinks comfortably. They talked naturally for a while. She did most of the asking and he did most of the answering, at length. It was very obvious to Molly, that the placement was going well, and he had embraced his new life well. He talked about the people, the places with such warmth. The happy animated, passionate Charles she had once called hers.
She listen, and heard it all. The things that were said and the things that weren't. Molly eventually got brave and curious. He used to say they were two of her deadliest traits.
"So this Laura?" She asked. He had mentioned her name several times as he'd talked. She had popped up in most of his sentences. Molly was certain that this was the reason he hadn't come home for Christmas.
His brows crashed together in her surprised question, while a small flush spread across his face.
"Oh! She is one of the members of the project team I work with out there." He said as he gazed past her around the cafe to avoid her eyes.
"So?" She teased. Though knew not why, she didn't want to hear about it, but as they we're now tentatively friends she felt she needed to ask.
He slowly found her eyes and tried to understand what they were saying. She never flinched from his gaze.
"It's early days." Was all he offered flatly, but he couldn't disguise the small smile on his lips as he did.
He didn't want to talk about Laura to her, and so he snapped back into stern mode. Into the controlled Charles she had once known, and had even fallen in love with.
"Actually. That's what I wanted to talk to you about." He started as he saw her sit up straight out of habit on hearing his clipped tone. It made him smile.
"About America?" She asked confused and a little bit scarred. "What?"
"Well. America. Yes and no." He laughed. Then he began. "They have offered to extend my placement. There's so much to learn." He added. "On both sides."
She nodded with a confused look. Her heart was racing. She guessed she was about to hear words that signalled the beginning of his new life.
"The charity has said yes. Happy for me to stay out there for another two years." He looked at her. She'd shown no startling interest in what he was saying. She wasn't going to miss him. So he went on.
"The thing is Mum told me about you living at your parents again." He grinned. "Must be noisy!"
She laughed.
"Like you can't imagine mate." She replied.
"Well..." He began. "With me being away for so long. I kind of need someone to move into my house. A house sitter as you like?"
"What?" She had never expected this. "Live at yours?"
"Well of course it goes without saying." He reassured her. "I won't be there."
"What about holidays and that?" She asked.
"I'll stay at Mum's, when I'm back." He picked at some imaginary fluff on his trousers. "Thing is Molly I don't expect to be home that much actually."
And there it was again. That little grin on his lips and his thoughts must have drifted off to Laura and her charms.
She snapped him out of his day dream with her refusal.
"Thanks and that Charles." She said with a forced smile. "But no."
"No?" He answered her back. "Why?"
"It will be weird." She said. "Living in your house and that. Besides why?"
"I told you... I need a house sitter. Anyway Molly. Yes it's my house. My house that I haven't lived in for six months." He added. "Besides you'll be doing me a favour. A huge one."
She considered. It would be an answer to her prayers. Yet still. He owed her nothing and she didn't want to be beholden to him.
"Can't afford it. Can I?" She said. "Still no proper job."
He leaned forward and crossed into her personal space. She smelt the coffee on his breath and the warm waft of him as he did so. His face tantalising close. She very nearly leaned over to kissed him, but pulled back. The memory of everything stopping her.
"Well that Dawes." He coloured at saying her name. "Is something else I may be able to help you with!"
She looked and listened.
"So let me get this right?" Dave mocked. "The fella who royally fucked you over is now your knight in shining bleeding armour?"
He crashed about the crowded sitting room. He turned on Molly.
"He's doing all this for you without any strings or catches?" He asked. "You're a mug if you believe that Mols."
"Yeah he is Dad." Molly squared herself up for the fight that was going to ensue. "And no I ain't."
"Why?" Belinda asked and interrupted the tense atmosphere. "Why Mols?" Worried her daughter was about to get hurt all over again.
"Cause he can I guess?" Molly replied. "Cause he's being kind and I'm helping him too."
She knew this would be a hard one for anyone apart from Charles and her to understand. She knew it sounded crazy, but she also knew that Charles was trying to right the wrongs he had made with her, and for once she was going to let him.
His offer of his house to her. For her to house sit it for him for the next couple of years while he was in America was extremely generous. His further offer of a job at the Charity, part time, to help cover his secondment was even more generous.
It was the perfect solution. It helped appease his guilt on so many levels. While it got her some space and a semblance of her life back, and it meant she'd have money to start saving again. So she had said yes, and the beautiful genuine smile on his face when she did, made her understand how important this was to him.
They left the cafe that day as almost friends again. Promises to meet up in a week or so for Molly to view the house. Charles needing time to make sure it was as respectable as possible for her to move in to.
And so on the day they did meet, at his, she was nervous as a kitten. Back in his space again. In his world, and everything that was him, but still she bravely went ahead.
It was a simple three bedded terraced house, with a beautiful garden. Something, she could see, somewhere he'd obviously took a lot of time with, and that surprised her. He'd never been a keen gardener before, but she liked the thought of the change in him. On the face of it, the house was nothing special, but to Molly it meant the world. That she was here. That he had offered it to her.
"This is really kind Charles." She said. "You know that don't you?"
He was standing at the kitchen sink drinking an inferior coffee as he watched her happily wander around his small kitchen. He felt something in his heart stir, as he saw her once again in his home. It was familiar, it was something he had so desperately missed.
"Really kind!" She shakily added as he didn't answer straight away. She caught a glimpse of something cross his face and it made her doubt.
"It's a perfect solution." He said snapping out of his day dream. Trying not to squirm under her gratitude. This was his way of helping her, the woman he had loved and had robbed her of a happy ever after. "You're the one doing me the favour."
She looked at him and held his gaze. She wanted something more from him, for a long time always had, and could have pushed. The atmosphere felt right, but she didn't. Instead she became practical. Realistic. He no longer thought of her like that.
"You don't owe me anything. You know that right? Not anymore." Was what she said quietly. "What's done is done?"
He moved closer to her, but still the kitchen table was between them. He saw that for her there was no going back. He understood. Yet he still needed to do this.
"I think I do Molly." He answered. "I fucked up big time. Your life... and mine. I'm sorry." He knew there'd never be anything like the trust they once had between them again.
"You know?" She said as she sat down. "I think it's alright. I kind of understand and that. Well I do now. Bit wiser ain't I?"
"But you can't forgive?" The words were out of his mouth before he knew. Stupid stupid words. Words that were filled with small seeds of hope.
"Don't know if there's anything anymore to forgive." She said. "It was so long ago."
"There is that." He said quietly, knowing it was too late, too long ago to think anything of her love for him would have survived. He still stood while she sat. Afraid to move. His arms tucked under each other as they crossed his front. Almost as though he was protecting himself. Yet he still needed to tell her. "I hurt you. I betrayed you. I let you down."
She swallowed hard at those words, but had long ago forgiven him. It was over five years ago now and she had worked it out in her mind again and again. His apologies, his illness, her understanding, and time all went towards negating the pain. Over the years since they had been apart she had tried to forget. Tried to move on. Almost succeeded, but throughout it all she never stopped with the love her heart had for him.
It could be so easy she thought, for us to move forward together. Yet she knew that would never happen. He'd told her once before, how he thought what they had wasn't strong enough. Not to take away the blame from him and his actions, but to show her she was capable of more. Of someone more deserving. She knew though the chances of that hope were slim, it was hard for a new love to usurp the old tenacious love her heart still had over him.
"Charles." She briefly closed her eyes. "Let's move on yeah? With our lives. No more 'sorrys'." She offered them and continued. "That's the past."
She smiled and offered her hand out to his.
"Friends?" She asked.
"Friends." He confirmed with a smile as he shook her hand. A smile that seemed more genuine than he felt. A smile that hid the protest he felt at being relegated to the friends zone by his true love.
And so within a few weeks Molly's life was off on a new tac and she was sent for a new adventure. She moved in to Charles' home. Took up the very small box room. The main room being the one Charles used and she felt uncomfortable using that. The second room being very definitely Sam's. Yet Molly didn't mind she had her own room again. Her own space and a job. All thanks to Charles James. Once the destroyer of her world, now her saviour.
Her parents were very frosty for a long while. Both saw her as making a mistake, again. Saw her depending on Charles for a life again. Yet Molly didn't see it as that. She saw it as what she knew it was meant to be. Two friends helping each other out, and that was just what they were. She knew that what they now were, and when she shook his hand on the snowy March day as he departed for his return back to America, she considered that maybe that was all they ever should have been.
As predicted by Margaret Molly took her charity work all in her stride, and showed them all her worth. The care, love and dedication she showed impressed everyone, and soon her hours increased, as did her position within the team. Very quickly she became the go to girl who could sort problems out, deal with situations and proved answers. Her role and time in the Army standing her in good stead. They saw her skills a mirror image of Charles'.
Throughout it all she kept in touch with Charles. Not on a daily basis, but maybe once a week or so. It started off with simple e-mails about the house. Genuine queries she had about the boiler settings, or the alarm maintenance, and then it started to become a bit more. He'd email with questions about her day, she'd reply and ask about his. Then the texts started, she couldn't help herself. If she saw something funny on her bus ride to work, heard something that years ago they both would have giggled at, she'd text him. Happily and with relief she found that he started to do the same. Started to text about where he was, and the people he worked with, Laura's name frequently coming up. Even so Molly found it nice, being back in touch with him, and didn't fool herself that they were finally anything more than just friends. Yet for her it was enough.
"You'd best get the best china out Molly." The voice said excitedly down the office phone. "I'm coming to see what you've been up to." He joked.
"What? Charles?" The sound of his voice so suddenly, so unexpectedly, cause a silly part of her tummy to flip over. She ignored it. "What you going on about you nutter?" She laughed back.
"I'm coming over. To see you. Well we are…." He spoke and she could tell he was smiling. "Well not just to see you..." He suddenly felt embarrassed. "I mean that will be nice... but the charity too. In October."
She grinned all the way through his telephone call. Took down all the information she needed to hear. The American charity organisers were wanting to do a field visit on them. A group of delegates were coming over. For two whole weeks they'd be visiting, and Charles was giving them a heads up on it all. It was exciting. A time to learn and a time to share new ideas, and to showcase their own work since Charles had left.
She was excited, and the planning, the organisation of their timetable mainly fell to Molly. She wanted to show Charles just how good she was at the job. Wanted to show him his faith in her had paid off, and as the time got nearer she became more excited.
Even the final sentences of his phone call, words she had almost missed, didn't dampened her excitement. When he mentioned that he was bringing someone special over too. Someone he'd hoped she'd like to meet, he wanted her to meet. He was mysterious as to who it was, even though she didn't ask, but she knew he meant Laura, and although it hurt a little bit more than she would admit, it didn't hurt enough to quell her excitement.
She was going to see Charles again.