Lizard

Chapter 12

The bad taste in her mouth and the throbbing to her head reminded her just how bad last night had been. That and the quiet and empty house she now woke up to.

When she woke her first thoughts were of him. She had gently walked downstairs, trying not to wake him, as she got ready and thought about making them some breakfast, but it was pointless. As soon as she entered the kitchen she saw the short note telling her he had left. Early. Avoiding any awkward morning conversations with her. No early morning dissection of the night before. Just silence and his absence.

She understood.

Although it hurt.

He had to get back to Laura. Explain himself. Besides she could never be that 'other' woman. It was right that he had left. Solved a lot of problems, but somehow created more.

The thought of it all, and the potential shit storm that his overnight stay may have caused made her groan. She knew she'd have to man up and face the music when she got to work.

With each step she took to getting towards her work she started to fear what she'd find. What today was going to bring. Aware that potentially her personal life was about to hit, at great speed, and with great mess, into her work life. That was something Molly had always avoided up to now.

Her first session though gave her some respite. Her usual lesson in teaching basic first aid to some of the clients. It was something she loved, and was still very good at. Over the years she proudly knew that she had got better at this. She always made the sessions fun, always got the best out of the attendees, but today she struggled. Her unfounded guilt, her constant worry, and the small brass band playing in her head made her slightly off her game.

It was unfortunate therefore that that was the session that their visitors chose to observe. She saw the looks and could only imagine their comments.

As the session went on, once or twice she made eye contact with Laura, amongst others. She saw no nastiness, no malice, but Molly knew she was probably too much of a professional to show it at work. Instead she saw her just note take constantly. Molly guessed commenting on her under par performance. Molly felt a fool.

Thankfully though, there was on some relief, as she still hadn't seen Charles, and for that she was totally grateful. Unsure what to say around him now. How to behave. Unsure how he'd react around her. She could only imagine it wouldn't be something he'd be looking forward to either. After all hadn't he escaped from her company this morning as early as he could!

So the day ticked painful on. Knowing all she had to do was avoid Laura on a one to one basis, and maybe, just maybe, she'd survive another day.

"I think we need to talk." The melodic voice suggested as Molly pulled her lunch from the staff room's fridge. "Don't you Molly?"

She straightened up and looked at a very resolved Laura standing in front of her. Perfect. Calm, and everything Molly felt she wasn't.

"I'm Laura." She said. Steely. "But you already know that. Right?" And she offered her hand out politely.

"Hi." Molly firmly took the hand. Knowing that the bitch fight was potentially about to kick off, and she wasn't going to be a shrinking violet in all this.

She didn't feel well enough for this though. Her hangover at was at max level, and her heart was still too fragile.

"Charles should have introduced us." She said. "But typically he hasn't. Shall we go somewhere for a coffee?"

Molly stuttered and looked at the kettle on the side with a question.

"I think." Laura explained. "What we have to say needs to be taken away from the work place. Don't you?"

And with that she turned and led the way out. Molly blindly followed her. Her heart sinking.

She sat in a small cafe a few minutes away, trying to pull herself together as Laura got the drinks in. Water and a large tea for Molly. She sat and watched Laura's every move. Appraising her just like Laura had done to her earlier. Molly saw that she was so confident, so controlled. Everything she did, she did with purpose, and with ease, Molly could easily see why Charles was attracted to her.

"I've asked Charles to join us." She said as she sat down and handing Molly her drinks. "Think it's only right don't you?"

Molly smiled falsely as she thanked her for her drinks.

It was so fallacious, and so forced. They chatted about pointless subjects for a moment or two. The weather, the cafe. It was pure torture, and so Molly took the bull by the horns. She started off the inevitable.

"Nothing happened. You know?" She stated. "Last night. Between me and Charles." She explained more.

Laura smiled back at her and laughter ran out.

"God I know that! After all this time I think I know Charles well enough to know that's not his style." She stirred her coffee and held Molly's gaze. "To pounce on some one half cut. Not Charles. Never." She took a sip of her coffee as her hold on Molly never faltered.

Uncomfortable under the scrutiny she looked away first. Molly felt the snub though, and felt stupid, but then began to wonder at Laura's words. They had seemed to have no nastiness about them, no sting. Rather a compliment to Charles and his morals. To the man they both knew.

"I don't know what Charles has told you Molly?" She began. "About me and him?" Laura's voice showed a degree of anxiety.

She gained some confidence in that. That they were both nervous Molly went to speak, but didn't get the chance.

"He's told me a lot about you Molly. About you, and him, and his past, and what happened." She leaned across and touched Molly's hand. "It sounded very sad, and I know Charles has so many regrets about it all. He never meant to hurt you."

Molly's mouth moved into an unbelieving 'O' and just managed.

"Yeah? It was bad...yeah... I know that now. That wasn't him." She moved her hand slowly back out of Laura's touch. It didn't feel right.

"He's come a long way by the sound of things. A very long way." Laura continued to champion Charles' cause.

Molly sipped her drink. Unwilling to start up more conversation than the painful one they had just had. Worried and scared just in case she got it all wrong.

Her silence wasn't putting Laura off.

"I think he'd like it if we were friends." Laura attempted again. "I'd like that too." She smiled and her whole face was bathed in total genuine sentiment.

Molly was shocked, tried so hard not to show it.

"You do? Why?" She asked.

"Because he means a lot to me. Because... well, because we're close...share a world... because he has few friends and the ones he has I don't want to scare away."

"Oh. I see." Molly started to bite her lip. "Yeah. I see. Be a bit wired though. Won't it?" She asked without thinking.

"What?"

"You and me friends! You know?" She stumbled on. "What with me being his ex and you being his girlfriend and that."

Her mind conveniently forgot that was exactly the relationship Charles, Molly and Rebecca had.

"Molly!" Laura laughed out. "I'm married." And then said with determination. "And I am definitely not Charles' girlfriend. What gave you that idea?"

The words slowly infiltrated her brain, and as she blankly stared ahead when she realised Laura was waiting for her to speak. She had asked a question and expected an answer.

She was saved from her humiliation, but then realised it was just about to increase further. Either way she couldn't stop what was happening, for at that moment Charles came bounding into the cafe. Instantly seeing them together he happily strode over to them. Excited. Happy. Placing a small friendly kiss on Laura's cheek, as he said hello, and was about to do the same to Molly when he caught her unwelcoming look.

He pulled his head back in concern and sat down. Confused. Rubbing his hands nervously down his trouser legs.

"You ok?" He asked looking from her to Laura with concern.

"I'll leave you to it I think" Laura said kindly as she stood. Placing a caring hand on Charles' shoulder to calm him. "You two need to talk." She pushed on.

And then she turned to Molly and said.

"It was lovely to meet you Molly. Think on about what I said." Then left.

Charles watched her walk away and then spun back around to Molly. He had so much to ask.

"What? I mean... everything ok?" He asked. Unsure where to start.

She shook her head at him, but smiled.

"I...think...so." She slowly let out. "I don't know. I mean I think I've just made a prize tit of me self... but yeah?" She smiled softly at him. "Think maybe everything is ok."

"Good." He stood, still not convinced and needing to ask more. He went to order them more drinks without asking. "I want to talk to you Molly, about me, and Laura, and what we've found." He left that with her as he moved away to the counter.

When he sat down she felt calmer.

Confused, yes.

Elated, oh yes.

Ashamed, well she could live with that.

Expectant, indeed, as he always lately made her feel.

She felt all the emotions she possibly could. Felt them in a way only Charles James inflicted them on her.

He sat back down and leaned back. Crossed his legs, one over the other. He looked at ease, but she saw the drumming of his fingers on his knee, that showed her he wasn't.

"Sorry I left without say goodbye. This morning." He started. "Just needed to get back." He looked at her. "Needed to sort somethings out."

"No problem." She gave him back, and attempted a smile. She reasoned he still hadn't explained why, but wouldn't pry.

"So what's been going on?" He asked. Waving his hand between the table. "You and Laura?"

"She's a good friend of yours isn't she?" Molly asked, avoiding the subject. "She means a lot to you?"

"Yes." He answered back. "She's been good for me. We work well together and have become good friends." He finished suspiciously. "Why?"

"I think I just offended her." She saw him looked horrified and about to speak. "Told her I thought she was your girlfriend!" She felt ashamed at her admission.

"She's married!" Charles rushed out, shaken that Molly would think that of him, and then sadly realised that his past behaviour had warrant that low opinion of him. It hurt, and he wondered if she'd ever look on him differently again.

"I know." She quickly answered almost certain she knew what he was thinking. She saw his shoulders slump and he almost shrank in front of her. "I was being stupid." She reached for his hand. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it."

He nodded his head, and they gazed down at the hand she now held in hers. And so he brought up her's between his and interlace her fingers. Curling and stroking her small hand as he did. Like he always used to. She said nothing. She made no move to stop him and he continued stroking her knuckles and gazing at her watery eyes. It all just felt so right.

They both felt it. She knew they both felt the same thing. Her belly twisted with a burst of glee; her breath hitched. The air thickened between them, with anticipation, with words unsaid, and with a certain fear. Fear that things between them were shifting. Shifting in a way neither of them had any control over. Still she didn't want whatever it was to stop. That she knew.

She spoke first.

"Think we might gonna need to talk." She smiled shyly at him.

She cursed under her breath. Her mood not the best. Frustration running through her, and she knew there really was no avoiding it anymore. It really, she thought, had come to this. Definite drastic measures were needed. This was totally gonna happen. And so she stepped off the bus one stop earlier on her way home and called into her local corner shop. Tonight, as alcohol was the last thing she needed, was gonna be a two bar night. Good old faithful Fruit and Nut, with a sharing sized bar of Caramel on the side. Most girl's crisis comfort food, and that's just what Molly felt like... in crisis.

Her head was spinning by the time she'd let herself into the house she was babysitting for Charles. This time not with the alcohol, but with the conversation they had had that afternoon.

He had agreed that they needed to talk and she believed that this was it. The talk. The thing they had been dancing around. No more does he, doesn't he, like me? Instead she thought it was finally the time to expose themselves to each other. She was ready for this, and then he began.

"I've found Bashira." Was his opening line.

"Wwwww..hat?" She choked out. May even have spat a bit of tea out too. He was too much of a gentleman to comment, but she saw him brush away drops from the sleeve of his jumper.

"I know." He grinned. So excited to finally share with her. "That's what Laura and I have been up to. All these months. Looking for her."

"What?" Molly shook her head. This wasn't what she expected. "Bashira? As is soul sister Bashira. Afghan Bashira?"

"Yes." He beamed, and briefly her thoughts were distracted. It had been a long time since she had seen him smile just like that.

"When I was home last time I'd only just started looking for her." He explained. "It was early days, I didn't want to say anything, but Laura's contacts were hopeful."

"Shit." A small giggle escaped her. Her mind was now right on topic and was eager to know more. "Where? I mean how?"

He took it slow. He knew it was a lot to hear all at once, but all the while his excitement was obvious. He filled her in with the details. How it came about. Laura's role in the discovery, her past job working with repatriated citizens, and his drive, all leading them to finding her after months of looking. Months of visiting different centres. Months of not getting anywhere, all eventually leading them to discover Bashira. The girl that had meant so much to Molly and her belief system about doing good, was now living in Italy and doing well.

He produced a thick file which contained reports, pictures, statements all about her. All positive. Living with a foster family. In her first year at university studying languages. Happy. The Images of her laughing and smiling assaulted Molly's heart.

Molly's eyes filled up as she read on and on about the girl who had played on her mind for so long. Whom she had never forgotten, but who, one day suddenly, following further conflict in the area she was housed in, just disappeared. When her and Charles were together they had tried several times to find her. Had used whatever contacts they had, but they were never successful. She thought all hope was lost, especially after her tenuous link, Qaseem, was killed in a car crash early into their search. Molly then had resigned herself to never knowing, and that she'd lost her for good. Yet today in a noisy overpriced cafe Charles was here, and was telling her different.

"As soon as I knew where Laura had worked, her role." Without waiting for a reply from Molly Charles just bubbled on. "I knew I had to try to find her."

She looked up from the file, her fingers now gently stroking the pictures in front of her.

"Why?" She asked him. "Why have you gone to all this trouble Charles?"

"For you Molly." Was all he simply said.

She nodded her head in understanding and let the tears fall.

"Thank you." She replied.

They talked a bit longer. Both delighted and excited by what they knew. Plans for Molly to write, to make contact were discussed. They talked carefree, happy and so in sync. She took a moment, sat back, and listened. His kindness, his actions in doing something so laborious, just for her spoke volumes. And so as they sat there chatting she'd expected that they'd move on. Step over the incredible news about Bashira and talk about them, but they didn't.

They both choked. Whether the occasion or the joyous tidings was the cause it didn't matter; neither moved themselves forward. She tried once or twice to initiate something anything, but he pulled back and she closed off from him. Annoyingly that's all Charles saw. Her recoil and not her effort, and so after answering all of her relentless questions about Bashira, he left her alone. He left her alone because that's what he thought she'd want.

Opening the front door she made her way to the front room. She was officially off duty. Rooting around under her jumper she un hooked her bra, pulled it through and flung it on the edge of the soft chair. She was no longer on parade, and the freedom felt so good. Bra less and with guilty treats, she began her evening. As she sprawled out on the settee with her cup of tea and her chocolate therapy she didn't know how to feel. He had done something so selfless, so kind. Had put in so many hours and miles to do this. To do something that meant so much to Molly. That she thought he must care, but when the time came to talk about them he'd walked away.

She was certain now she knew she loved him. Had never stopped. The joy she felt when she learned that Laura was just a friend made that very obvious to everyone of her senses. She was certain that she enjoyed having him back in her life, but she was also certain that this time they were very different people from before. It wasn't a case of them giving in to their physical attraction, their hearts were too fragile for silly impetuousness. They had to tread carefully.

Maybe she thought, that's what he was doing. Or maybe he was just scared like her and didn't know how or where to start again. Or maybe he just didn't feel the same any more. She was reading it all wrong. That maybe Charles, who hadn't said he loved her in over five years, simply just didn't.

He stepped out the taxi with purpose. He'd berated himself all afternoon for leaving her so suddenly in the cafe. It had all just been too much. To intense. He thought she was probably just feeling things out of gratitude for what he had done in finding Bashira. Happy with what he'd told her, temporary in her feelings for him, and Charles couldn't cope with that. That it might not be real, lasting. And so he ran away.

He buried his head into his site visit and avoided her for the rest of the day. Returning to the hotel to catch his roommate, Pete, leaving for a pre-dinner drink and suggesting he joined them.

The rest of the bunch were in a happy mood. Their jet lag overcome and a city to explore. Charles had no intention of joining then, he was too conflicted about Molly.

"What you doing here still?" Laura asked as the others waited for Emma to come down. "You're not seeing Molly tonight?"

He sadly shook his head.

"Best not." He replied. "It's all getting a bit complicated." He admitted.

"How?" Laura laughed. Then thought. "You know for a while there I though she hated me." She said.

"Molly?" Charles asked. "Don't think she really hates anyone... apart from Georgie maybe." He said quietly.

"Exactly!" Laura said. "She seems a lovely girl." Then slyly offered. "You know she thought I was your girlfriend. Quite flattered actually!"

Charles looked at her with shock.

"Yeah! She said."

"Yes, but what you didn't see was how relieved she looked when I told her I wasn't!" Said Laura and she pecked him on the cheek good bye. "Have fun Charles!" She said with a self-satisfied grin on her face.

Before he knew it he was in a taxi. On his way to see Molly. Thinking over Laura's words. Hopeful. Hate from Molly equalled emotion. Jealousy from her maybe equalled she still cared. Charles needed to know.

He knocked on the door and grinned as he heard her shuffling along the corridor. Knowing she'd be wearing a pair of stupid novelty slippers that her family bought her every year, which made it difficult for her to walk in.

"Hello?" He said cautiously as she opened the door. "Can I come in?"

She greeted him warmly and he followed her to the sitting room, as she happily led the way.

He started laughing as soon as he saw the sitting room.

"Brought you this." He laughed as he turned to her and showed her the chocolate bar he'd brought. "But I see you've already started without me." He nodded to the half-eaten chocolate bars on the coffee table.

She grinned at him shyly as she knew he knew the reason why there was a need for chocolate in her life at this very moment.

Her shy grin soon turned to horror and a red face as she first head his chortle and then saw him throw his head back in total amusement.

"Some things never change, do they Dawes?" He very ungentlemanly nodded his head to her abandoned bra, lying there in plain sight. "Clocked off for the day have you?" He teased, but secretly loved the fact that she was still the Molly from old. Still the Molly he knew.

She snatched it up and he took pity on her. Turning he looked at the paused chick flick on the screen and he groaned, shrugging out of his coat.

"Oh Hell. It's worse than I thought." He dumped himself down on the settee, with an air of sacrifice.

She felt embarrassed. She knew he remembered that soppy movies were her default activity when she was upset. Chocolate for confusion, chick flicks for tears, that used to be her mantra when they had lived together. She hated showing her weakness to anyone, especially him.

"What you doing here Charles?" She asked defensively.

"I think I've come to save you." He snapped off a bit of her chocolate as he wiggled himself comfortably into the cushions. He ignored her tone. His actions were braver than he really felt. "From death by chocolate by the looks of things."

"Ok!" She slowly sat down next to him. Then turned. "What's the real reason Charles?"

"Wanted to see you." He said. "Spend some time with you." Then quietly as his confidence momentarily slipped asked. "Is that ok?"

"I guess so." She said a lot calmer than what she felt, and picked up the remote, restarting her rom com. "But we're watching this."

"Oh for fucks sake." He laughed and beamed as he saw her giggle too next to him.

It suddenly felt very comfortable. Until it wasn't.

Of all the things to happen. She cursed her body.

He grabbed the remote, and stared at her. And hour of watching the movie was enough for any man, and now her stomach growling loudly at him was enough of an excuse for him to turn it off. She flushed a delicate colour of scarlet that he couldn't help but chuckle at as the noise continued. Her stomach always happy to loudly protest when it needed attention.

"So Dawes. Apart from eating almost your entire body weight in chocolate, I take it you haven't had supper yet?"

With the shake of her head, he jumped up from the settee and forgetting himself he pulled her with him. Her body gently slammed into his as they shared air.

He stepped back, but not as quickly as he should have. He enjoyed the contact too much.

"Right." He grabbed his coat. "I'm getting us take away. You set the trays up." And before she could reply he was out of the door.

He hurried out; it was all too right with her. They had slipped into a comfortableness that he had yearned for. He couldn't, wouldn't let it slip away from him, but he needed to take this slow.

He needed to know if this was what she wanted.

He looked around the room amazed when he re-entered a while later with a steaming bag of Chinese food. She had transported the room back in time. The soft side lamps were on. The coffee table set up for the food, and on each side of the floor she had placed cushions for them to sit on. Just how they used to do it in the olden days. In the early days when they couldn't get enough of each other. In the early days when they preferred their own company rather than that of others, this was how they used to sit, to enjoy each other's company.

She caught his stillness. Worried she'd gone too far.

"Is that ok?" She asked her voice laced with worry.

"It's perfect." He said as he tuned to her and felt the relief she achieved with his words.

They sat and ate. They laughed, they joked. He teased her and she teased him. The food was secondary, the company was the real delight.

"It's good to see you laughing again." She hesitated to start on a subject that could ruin everything. "You stopped for a while."

"I did." He agreed. "And I'm sorry."

She held up her hand taking another ill-advised sip of wine.

"Don't Charles." She demanded. "You've explained. I understand. We don't need to go there again."

He looked at her with dark questioning eyes.

"I'm sorry too." She said directly in to them.

"You?" He spluttered out. "What you've got to be sorry for?"

"I guess I wasn't good enough." She answered bravely. "I wasn't good enough to help you. Good enough to be enough for you when you were going through all that shit. Guess I wasn't good enough for you to keep on loving me."

With her final confession he shot forward, still on his knees in front of her. He wanted to reach out to hold her, but he didn't.

"Never Molly. Never say you weren't good enough." He pleaded. "You were everything. None of this was your fault. None of it."

She held on track. Didn't crumple.

"You got lost." She said. "I think I contributed to that in someway."

"No Molly." He stood. Paced the room. "It wasn't you. It wasn't us. It was all me."

"Yeah?" She stood too.

He turned away. She knew she'd messed up their happy night up.

She walked up to his stilled back and slowly touched his arm.

"I lost you." She said quietly. "And cause I saw that, I had to let you go. Hardest thing I ever did, but I knew it's what you wanted."

He snapped round.

"It wasn't. It never was. I just couldn't do anything about it. Wasn't brave enough to tell you. I never wanted to lose you in all this. I loved you Molly."

"Yeah. Guess you did once." Her arm slip gently up his and he moved to slid his around her waist and pull her in to him. "I loved you too." She finished as she felt her head rest in his chest. "So much."

"How did we fuck all this up Molly?" He asked.

She said nothing. Couldn't. Her heart stopped words from coming out, instead sank her head further into him and squeezed him tighter as she felt his lips kiss her head.

"God Molly. I'm so sorry you ever thought I stopped loving you." He whispered as they clung to each other. "I never did. Not once. Still haven't."

It was enough for now. She'd spent too long doubting he'd stopped loving her. That somehow she was to blame for it all going to shit, but not here when he held her like this. Held her in his arms and she knew she had heard the words she needed to hear. That it wasn't through lack of love that had torn them apart.

"I think my dim sums getting cold." She mumbled into his chest after a while.

He rocked back with laughter, and released her. Gallantly out stretching his hand to lead her back to her cushion on the floor.

They smiled and shy giggles continues as he poured them more wine.

"You're still the best Molly." He offered as they clinked their glasses. "Still the best."

She accepted his toast and praise, very much aware of the girly excitement that was building in her stomach. Feelings of something new starting. Feeling of desire and excitement.

The night continued, and then by the look on his face she thought she ruined it all. Her and her stupid mouth. He looked frozen.

The words had slipped out too quickly and with little thought. They had spent the last few hours so relaxed with each other. More wine, was drank, but not too much, and more chocolate was consumed. They were both satiated and simply happy. Enjoying feeling full and each with each other.

So when the words slipped out she hadn't expected his response.

"So do you want to stay over then?" She had asked.

He pulled himself around enough to try to answer.

She instantly knew what she'd said, and how he could interpret it.

"I mean in your room and that. Me in mine." She rushed on. "It's late. Just makes more sense I guess."

He considered it for merely moments.

"Think I best go." He said. "One walk of shame home at my age is enough. Thanks though."

She hadn't meant to say it. She was bitterly disappointed that she had. She knew she had just signalled the end to their evening.

He stood and started to help clear the dishes.

"Don't." She said. She fussed around the plates. "I'll do them when you go."

He took her que and reached for his jacket.

"So?" He said as he stood there. She followed him to her front door and the harsh light of the hallway made everything feel very different from the cosines of his front room, and the last hours they had spent together.

"So?" She said as she dug her hands into her jeans pockets and shifted on her feet. Her head looking down and mouth twisted in thought.

"I had a good time Molly." He said. "Thank you."

And she looked up and smiled.

"Bit awkward ain't it?" She braved. "This. Saying good night and that." She raised her head almost as a challenge to him.

She caught him looking at her oddly.

"I'd..." Then he stopped and ran his hands through his hair. "No. It doesn't matter." He finished.

"What?" She asked of him. Almost demanded. "What were you gonna say Charles?"

There was hope in her heart.

He thought her eyes were almost begging his.

"I..." He began again. "I was going to say..." He stumbled on. "I'd very much like to kiss you Molly."

He saw her eyes shoot open wide with surprise, but he didn't hear her say no. In fact if anything he felt her shift slightly forwards again and her chin lift fractionally higher.

So he did just what he had wanted to do for so long.

He leaned slowly forward, dipped his body slightly towards her, and then he place a soft hesitant kiss on her lips.

He felt the thrill of their coupling run through him like an electric charge, and enjoying it too much he pressed on and kissed her again harder and deeper.

His arms moved to the back of her head and cradled it. Her arms rested gently on his arms as she raised herself ever so slightly on her tiptoes to press into the kiss more. She proudly knew that she was responding to his kiss with as much passion as he was giving her.

It lasted a few blissful moments and then they broke away with an unspoken consent.

Molly stared at him. She felt sorry for him. She was in no doubt about her feelings that the kiss had stirred up, but the confused questioning look he had on his face showed her he wasn't so certain.

"Was that ok?" He asked with a pained voice.

Stepping slightly back. Not wanting to crowd her.

She pitied him. She need to reassure him. No more hurt is what her heart screamed out.

"Bleeding perfect." Was all she managed to say, but it was enough.