A Renaissance of Passion

by Castlefan6

Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!

I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.

Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.

Previously

"I passed the Bar, and the background check on the first try, waited for three months till I got my full twenty years in, and retired from NYPD. Dad had also settled out of court with Bracken's estate which gave us both stability for the rest of our lives, so I decided to move, buy the townhouse, and getaway. You were on the book tour then, and as much as I wanted to see you, I couldn't bear it when Beth was right by your side, it hurt far too much.

"I've been on four dates since then, all ending before desert, it seems men today have no qualms in asking when you are going to put out, not romancing the damsel as it was, hell maybe I'm getting old, but really after the last one, that was it."

"How long ago was that Kate, if I may ask?"

"It was the same day as your Civil Separation of Property with Beth Rick, over a year ago."

"How did you know about the court proceedings over in England Kate?"

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Chapter 7

The Hamptons

Later that Night

Kate slipped his arms around her neck and kissed him, "Babe, I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you, but I am now, I promise"

He stared into her eyes, and just whispered, "Always?" to hear her soft reply, "Yes of course, Always"

Rick recovered in a few minutes after Kate slipped her arms around him, sucking in a deep breath, he just held on to today, this moment, and tried to forget the hurt.

"You OK Babe? We can take a few minutes if you need to, I mean I'm not going anywhere," she smiled as she kissed him gently, he smiled at her, looked deep into her eyes, and whispered,

"Hey, it's my turn now, you laid your soul bare, so I know you have questions, but before we get to Beth, I want to start back before I met you, would that be OK?"

"Start anywhere you wish Rick, I'm here as she removed her arms from his neck but grasped his hand as she sat as close to him as possible,"

"OK, well, I haven't talked about this for a very long time, so, well, I, eh, it could get rough at times, please understand it has nothing to do with US, but everything to do with me, OK?"

She looked at him with such a soft and loving look, and just nodded,

"You asked me about therapy, I told you it didn't have anything to do with us, but actually it did. I know you picked up on Sophia Turner when we worked the Blakely case, as weird as the case was, I'm sure Sophia filled your head with as much propaganda as she could before, well before she died.

"I'm not sure what she said to you, but knowing her as well as I did, or at least I thought I did, I know she told you we had a relationship. It was more than a sexual tryst, well at least for me it was. I started shadowing her for the Clara Strike character, and well, I had just gotten over the rebound relationship, you know the one you go to immediately after your heart is broken, knowing it was all wrong.

"I dated another actress after Meredith, but really my heart wasn't in it, and she could tell, she told me I was a nice guy, but she didn't have time to be my cry pillow about another woman, so call her if I ever grew up and got over a heartbreak. I met Sophia through some connections, and she was about as excited to have a stranger shadowing her as you were, but she followed orders. It didn't take long, maybe a month before we went on the first date, and really she was so much different, or I thought she was to the woman you met."

"You mean the woman that had us both sent into the Hudson River, in my car, and then tried to shoot us both as she betrayed her country?" Kate said a bit too harsh, she realized it the moment, it came out of her mouth,

Rick's face dropped, and he got quiet, "Rick, look I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to come out that harsh, but she tried to kill us both, and well, I loved you and it hurt to see just how she influenced you, even after you had been apart. You loved her, I could tell, and that hurt."

He looked up slowly, and said softly, "You're right, I did love her, and for her to do what she did, well I would never have believed it had we not lived through her attempts. I've never seen someone I lov, eh had feelings for, die in such a fashion as she did. I never got the closure that I sought. All I was left with was more questions.

He was quiet for a few minutes, looking out to the distance then closing his eyes, Kate remained patient with him, knowing this was very hard for him, she needed to give him space but be supportive. She thought a few more moments she would approach him when he started talking again.

"Well we skipped to the end, so let's back up a bit, I shadowed Sophia for almost a year, after three dates we were exclusive, as far as I knew, but I don't think she cheated on me, our country yes, on me no. I went to her apartment one day to find the doorman had a letter for me, she had moved and not told me where. The letter just said it had been fun, she would call me when she got back to New York, and that's all she could say.

"Well, that's when the rejection set in, then depression, I only stayed away from the alcohol because Alexis watched me and I couldn't let her down. I tried to write, that's when Gina took me out, yes, she initiated the first date, and then she recognized that I needed more than a shoulder to cry on. I went to her therapist for almost a year. The sense of inadequacy was fueled by rejection and growing up as the Bastard child without the father, you were right when you told me that I was the class clown, it was the defense I developed as a kid.

"Sometimes it kept me from getting bullied, sometimes it deflected the cruel words and questions about my paternity. Mother, I love her to death, but you have to realize a boy forced to take piano lessons, no sports skills, no street toughness would be easy prey to the predators even back then.

"It wasn't until She met Carmen, a former boxer, who really took an interest in me, and taught me how to box, and after a few months, if humor didn't work, then the fists usually did. He was the first of her lovers to take an interest in me, most others wanted me to go away so they could get their groove on, so it was tough growing up."

Kate's eyes filled with tears as he recounted his childhood and how he developed humor as a defense, she started to say something but he shook his head.

"I'm sorry Kate if I don't keep talking, I'll never get this out, so yes I loved Sophia, more than I ever did Meredith, and no matter what she turned out to be, what you think of her, she wasn't that way when we were together. I thought she loved me, she either did or it was just another one of her academy winning performances

"Well when I was dismissed with not so much as a phone call, a quick note, delivered by her doorman when I went to see why she wasn't answering my calls or texts, well I felt about as low as I had ever felt. Even with Kyra, I got a face to face meeting, and that love was young love, this was a more mature, well I thought it was.

"Gina told me later that she was only a stand-in for Sophia, she knew it, but she didn't care, she loves me for some reason, why I have no idea. We dated for about 7 months until I asked her to marry me, more for Alexis to have a Mother figure, than me needing a wife. Alexis was getting to that age where her Grams advice was not the best, and she needed a woman's influence. The reason I married Gina was the same reason we divorced, she was always an outsider when it came to Alexis, and that's my fault.

"I would never allow her to come all the way in, afraid that the bond between my little girl and me would somehow be damaged, stupid, I know. The therapist told me it was a re-occurrence of the inferiority complex. When you look at me you see a rich, playboy who doesn't have a care in the world when I look in the mirror, I've never lost that boy who never fit in, was never truly accepted anywhere.

"Now before we get to my story with Beth, I'm going to pause, I know you have questions that you've been polite enough to hold back until I could get this out."

Kate looked into the sad eyes of her writer, her man who had hurt so deeply, yet so quietly accepted every barb, every insult, and she finally understood why he couldn't understand her perception of the gap between a Cop and the world-famous author, it finally made sense. In his eyes he was still searching for acceptance somewhere in his life, not professional, he had that, but his personal life.

He wasn't a playboy, more like a scared little boy hiding in a man's body, masking his hurt, insecurities, and pain with humor. It was no wonder why he had reacted the way he had when she paraded men in front of him, another reminder he wasn't good enough, at least in his eyes.

Her eyes were full of tears as she started to speak, "Rick, I think I finally understand why you hurt so deeply, and I can't say how sorry I am for making you feel one moment of inadequacies, those were mine, not yours Babe.

"You're right, Sophia did talk to me, I didn't understand some of the emotions at the time since I had it already pictured as a physical romp in the hay, just another notch on your bedpost, but she did love you, Rick, in her own way she truly did. I think her problem was she knew that living the life she was, she didn't want you caught up in that, and as you walked away to spare me, she did the same for you.

"You said it yourself she took her orders seriously, so I'm sure she didn't want you dead, but she had no control over other forces in play. I'll never forget the look on your face when the shot rang out and she fell limp. I left you alone with her body, I'm sorry for that, I wish now, I had let Danville do his job. I should have been there to hold you, to tell you, that I loved you, I will always love you, and you're more, much, much more than any person I know. You're all I want; all I'll ever want Rick."

Once again Rick wiped her tears gently, then kissed each eye, then her cheeks, and then finally a quick I love you kiss on her lips, that wanted to extend the kiss so badly.

"You are really something, I bet you don't know just how special you are, do you." He looked at her in that way that melted her heart, complete devotion, she felt his love, his caring about and for her.

A few moments passed and then he asked, "Time to discuss Beth?"

She nodded, "Just let me get us something from to drink," as she got up from the chair, she kissed him deeply, and then whispered, "I'll be right back Babe, you'll never be alone again if you will have me"

She returned with the drinks and once again, sat as close to him as she could get without being in his lap,

He set his drink down on the end table, and then gently pulled her on to his lap, she never let go of his hand, she had to be holding it, she just had to, time now for the hard part for her.

"OK, so where to start, might as well start with the three-week tour that got it all started. The day I left the precinct, I was dead inside, all of the lonely, awful feelings, every rejection, every hurtful word filled my brain. I had forgotten you were in a relationship when we hugged in the freezer, and then when I pulled a patented stupid Castle move, and you jumped into my arms. My last thought was if I have to go, I will leave this world loving you, and your face would be the last thing I saw. I never gave it a thought that your heart belonged to Josh, you weren't free and I should never forget that."

Kate's eyes pool with tears again, and her grasp on his hand has tightened remembering the coldness, the fear of dying but she had to tell Rick, he was the last thing on her mind, she had forgotten all about the place holder for him, that's all he ever had been.

"When he came to the precinct it was a slap in the face with a huge dose of reality, you weren't mine, I shouldn't have been having those thoughts, but I couldn't help it. My only escape was to leave, not keep subjecting myself to seeing you in the arms of another man, and it just happened that Patterson had canceled a three-week tour on the west coast, pissing off a lot of book stores. Gina and Paula were right, it was a chance to knock him down a peg, plus the money they offered was almost twice the going rate, they were desperate, well so was I for a diversion.

"Gina was at the loft when I got home, and she knew that I was hurting, and to her credit, it would have been simple to fall back into the backup role, love the one you're with, she refused to be a substitute for you. She told me she loved me and if she knew that I would be making love to her instead of picturing your face she would rape me in Times Square, but she knew, and I couldn't, I wouldn't lie to her. Not that you would care but we were never intimate Kate, she loves me, I love her, but not in a marrying way."

"Rick, I never knew he was coming, I told him to stay away, I'm so very sorry, I never wanted you to feel more pain, hell I'm sorry I even started up with the two-timing bastard, but more because I hurt you deeply. When you said, you should go home, get some rest, I thought you were joking until I felt him come up behind me, I saw the look on your face Rick, I still see it. It was one of defeat, one I never saw before. WHY didn't you tell me you were leaving when I texted you later that night?"

"You want the truth? The real truth Kate, because you're not going to like the answer."

"Rick, we promised, and we both know some answers are not going to be pleasant, so yes I need to know"

"OK, do you remember what your text said? I do, word for word;

"Hey, hope you're getting some rest if you're awake let me know. KB"

"I'm up, tried sleeping but dreams want to take over RC"

"Having the same problem, wanted to tell you Montgomery gave us all off till Monday, I'm finally getting warmer, hope you are too. Anything you want to talk about, I'm here KB"

"Nope, all good, glad you're getting warm, enjoy your time off, talk soon" RC

"Kate, I left you in the arms of your lover, then you text me to tell me you had three days off to be with him and you were getting warmer, how was I supposed to respond to that? I hope you and Josh have a great three days? He marked his territory and it was my reminder that you were off-limits so why talk to you about things that could never be, at that time. I have to tell you, Alexis was against me even answering your texts, and Gina was worried I was getting played again.

"I sent the email to Roy and Bob, and then made the arrangements for the tour, I really didn't think to let you know since you were so invested in your Doctor. Long story short, Bob called then Roy called 5 minutes before we were leaving for the airport, and I don't know what went down but I heard that Bob raised hell with Boyle, who took a pound of flesh from Roy's ass, which I'm sure filtered down to you, that wasn't my intention, I was trying to maintain some dignity and self-preservation."

"Do you know how I found out my partner was leaving for three weeks, not even considering the fact with his ex-wife fueling the fires of a reunion of you two. In fact, TMZ reporter who broke the story, where I found out, asked Gina about the rumors. My heart went cold when she told him, and I remember this Rick, "Not happening, that's not saying we won't be practicing our honeymoon again while we're on tour". I almost died, that was the first I knew that you were going away, and with Gina."

"Kate, that sounds a little one-sided on your part, you had Josh, think back to the weeks before, how we all found out he was your boyfriend, then came the barbs you threw out, then after we go through life and death situations, he gets the award for not leaving for his Doctors Without Borders, for staying.

"I think you said, 'it meant you two had a chance', your words not mine. That was the line that convinced me I had to get out of the way, you made your choice and I was honoring your wishes. As for Gina and I, she's the Mom to Alexis she never had, and yes, she loves me, and I won't lie, I still love her.

"We both know it won't work, no matter how much love we have, it just won't and neither of us will go that route again. If I'm being completely honest, it was a huge temptation to fall back into a relationship with her. I needed to know someone loved me for me, and the human touch, well, we never went that far, but it was close.

His attitude had changed, he was angry, and he was calling her out on her hypocrisy, she really had no right to say the things she had, he was free to seek the attention of whomever he pleased. It did shock her when he told her that Alexis wanted him to stay away from her, she had been close to the young lady, but another relationship that had been damaged,

"Rick, I'm sorry, I mean I know how that sounds now, but"

"But what Kate, I was supposed to keep waiting for you to allow me the table scraps left from your relationships, did you know that Espo called me your fetch dog, only good to fetch your coffee and serve as a stand-in until your love showed up. Do you have any idea of how hurtful that was, mostly because in most instances it was true, or certainly appeared to be?"

"Rick, I*"

"It's late Kate, I think we both need to step away from this, I'll take the guest room, you have the Master, Good Night," he grabbed his suitcase and was up the stairs before she knew what had happened, God, she had done it again,

TBC