Lizard
Chapter 15
"You do remember I hate surprises?" She kissed his shoulder as she lay resting on one looking down at him.
Her smile though told him he was forgiven even if he had forgotten. He hadn't. He'd forgotten nothing about them, about her.
Despite the cold weather outside both were gloriously naked, protected in their warm hotel room. Charles on his back with a smug grin on his face, that hadn't left for a while, and both his arms bent behind his head. Molly lay next to him, close, on her stomach propping herself up on her elbows and watching him.
He laughed at her comments.
"That Dawes wasn't a surprise... it was bloody weeks past being a surprise... it was just fucking inevitable." He said through a large smiling face. "And incredible."
"Yeah well. I'll forgive you." She wrinkled her nose playfully at him. "This once."
They stayed in the happy moment, both still buzzing from their love making. Buzzing from the return of them.
Familiar, but different, and very new and exciting on so many levels. The past hour had been nothing she had ever known them to be like before, and it was just perfect.
His surprise appearance at her door, the lack of words from either of them, only their passion, and the welcome events that followed, were making them still feel off kilter, but so very happy.
She shifted slightly and rested her head on his torso. His hands automatically went down and smoothed her hair. Stroking her locks as she talked.
"I can't believe you're here." She said for the numerous time that night. "Tell me again, how and why?" She begged.
"Ok Molly." He sighed dramatically, but in jest. "For the final time." He attempted a sternness but didn't pull it off, and smiled at her as he heard her giggle "I'm here for the meeting too. Then I'm all yours." He moved one of her hands to his lips. "All yours."
"For two weeks?" She confirmed. "You'll be home for Christmas?" She tipped her head and rested her chin on her hands still using his toned abs as a resting board, looking towards him.
"That's right. Have to be back for New Year's Eve mind you. Big party to go to." He added. He watched her face change.
She tried not to be disappointed. Tried to hide it. Two weeks together was better than the prospect she had been facing just several hours ago.
"A big party?" She said with an absent mind. "Sounds nice." She feigned an interest.
"Oh it is." He looked down at her sprawled out against his stomach. Hair wild and tangled to the back and he tried to smooth it out for her. "I heard about it from last year. It was amazing apparently."
She raised her eyes and attempted a smile at his excitement.
"Of course you'll need a dress." He continued casually.
It took but a moment before she understood what he had just said.
"Me? A dress?" She knelt up alongside him as he rolled onto his side. "Why?"
"Well I kind of hoped you'd be my date!" He grinned back. "Kind of banked on it actually. Bought the tickets and everything."
"What? Thought you said it was in New York?" She questioned.
He knelt up next to her and took both hands. Looking at her face waiting out for his next words. She was half way there he knew. She understood but was waiting for him to confirm all the details.
"You. Me. Together. In New York. New Year's Eve. Party." He said deliberately. "Sounds like a plan?"
"I..." She stuttered. "I can't! Can I? I mean what about work... and the flight...and everything?" She shook her head trying to make sense of her thoughts.
"Yes you can." He moved a hand to touch her face gently. "Work's sorted. Tickets...well they are my Christmas presents to you... well and to me I guess... cause I get to spend even more time with you." He smiled. "So you very much can Molly...if you want to."
"Course I bleeding do." She shot back. "How long?" She asked.
He wanted to say forever but knew what she meant.
"You've 10 days leave booked." He said. "You have to be back at work on the 9th. Is that ok?"
"Shitting hell Charles." She leaped up with glee. "That means we've over three weeks together. And I get to see New York." She bounced on the bed and he'd never seen such a glorious sight before.
He pulled her down though into his body and lay next to her.
"Do you think you can put up with me for that long?" He asked.
"Mmmmm." She looked as though she was actually considering the question. Then ran her finger down his nose. "Think I'll cope." Then placed a soft kiss on the tip.
He bit his lips and shook his head in amusement at her reply. Then his whole demeanour changed and with a quick flip he had her pinned on her back, and started to show her once again how much he loved her.
She felt exhausted and knew soon her eyes would close. The past two days had been overwhelming. Plus Molly ached everywhere, her head hurt and gradually she became more and more bone weary. She blamed it on the excitement, the fantastic sex, the alcohol, the food, and the very little sleep they both had not gotten. She managed a small smile as she remembered that they played very hard and worked hard too.
The meeting, as promised, needed little input from her, but she was surprised to see just how big a player Charles was in it all. He gave a good presentation, and then worked the room socially. His confidence, she realised was very much back, and she relished seeing him back with power. It thrilled her slightly. She saw traces of the old Charles, but also the new one. His ability to fit in and make those he was with at ease a lesson he had learnt well. Throughout it all though he had kept her close, and in their private times had adored her repeatedly.
Now they were on the way back to his... or hers... anyway the house she was house sitting for him, and she couldn't get there quick enough. Finally the weekend was over, and all she wanted was her bed and to sleep for a long long while.
She shivered as he pushed open the front door.
"Cold?" He asked as he moved to take her coat off while also checking the radiator for heat.
"Yeah. Just want to hit me sack for a while. Is that ok?" She asked staring into his eyes, which also were showing signs of weariness. The jet lag and the bedroom athletics catching up on him too.
He pulled her into him and sighed into her warm hair.
"You go up." He kissed her and moved his head to signal the stairs. "I'll make us a hot drink and bring it up."
She pecked him innocently on the cheek and moved up the stairs. He watched her go. He stood with one hand holding onto the banister and the other resting on his hip, wondering how he'd gotten so lucky once again.
Carefully balancing two steaming mugs of hot chocolate and a packet of biscuits he pushed open his bedroom door, and stopped.
Molly wasn't there. There was no sign that she ever had been either. The room was just as stark as it had been before she came back into his life. He walked to the cupboard and slid the door open with his foot. There were no signs of her clothes there either. The room was devoid of anything that was Molly
He placed his wares on the chest of drawers, surveying the cold empty room, and turned, surprised, when he heard her coughing coming from the spare room.
Gently he pushed open the door to see her clothes abandoned on the floor, and her form deeply snuggled under the duvet.
"What you doing in here?" He asked. Trying to keep it light.
"I'm in bed." She said. "Told you I was coming up." She peeked out at him confused.
She slid over slightly on the single bed to allow him to sit down next to her. When he didn't and just stood stock still in the door way, she lifted her head slightly.
"What's wrong?" She asked.
"Why are you not in the other room?" He asked. "Our room? Our bed?" He knew he sounded hurt.
She flopped back down dramatically.
"Your bed." She pointed out. "This is my bed." And patted the empty space requesting that he sat.
He sat down on the very edge of the bed and looked at her.
"It just I thought after... when I left." He stumbled. "That you'd sleep in our bed again."
She looked at him.
"Didn't seem right." She croaked out, her throat dry and sore by now. "Without you."
"I don't understand?" He shifted to sit closer to her and she grabbed his hand as she could see the beginnings of hurt and confusion on his face. "What's wrong with that bed?"
"Charles? Let's not make this something?" She asked. "It just seemed wrong, me in there, your bed. Without you. I mean I didn't know if that's what you wanted." She had started strong and ended small and quiet. Her vulnerability showing.
He leaned across her, arms supporting him either side and hovering above her as he still sat turned by her side.
"Of course I do. I didn't think I'd have to ask." He held her hand. "I want you in my bed forever Molly. Whether I'm there or not." He appreciated the weak smile she gave him as she realised how tired she was. He didn't push further, instead he pecked her on the forehead to show her it wasn't an issue anymore. "Shit Molly you're hot." He said as soon as he did.
She let out a tired snort. "Thanks... but I'm not." She shook her head. "I feel rotten."
"No. I mean really hot." He stood up and pressed his hand against her forehead. "As in burning up. How you feeling?"
"Like shit." She said pathetically and shivered again as he left the room.
It was moments later when he reappeared, carrying water, painkillers and a cold flannel. He took her temperature and confirmed what she already knew. She was poorly.
And so that was how Charles spent the next couple of days. Not romantically as they had both hoped, but playing nurse maid. Looking after Molly. His Molly who rarely became ill. In all their time together he could only remember her being unwell once before, and he hadn't liked how worried it made him. And here he was again, caring for her, and so it was rounds of medication, cold flannels and bedding changes that took up his days.
Molly moaned and grumbled through it all. The windows to the small room were thrown open to help to reduce her fever, and then were promptly closed again to keep her warm when she protested too much. He supplied her with cool drinks, that were too cold, to help her throat, and hot soup, that was too hot, to feed the flu she was obviously suffering from.
The next few days were a blur for him, as he shopped, cleaned and cared for her. Explaining to her work and his family that as Christmas was in two days' time there was little chance of them seeing her for the main event, and therefore him.
He spent his time watching her when she slept, and dreaming of a life they maybe could have once again. He was happy to take anything she was willing to give him. Even happy to take the grumpy, sick, complaining Molly.
Molly woke from a deep sleep. Her aching bones, her temperature needs and her general stuffiness had meant sleep had been sporadic to say the least. Therefore, still tucked up in her single bed in the spare room she was instantly annoyed at whoever or whatever had woken her.
It took only seconds for her to understand what she was hearing, and it wasn't good news.
It was the day before Christmas Eve and she had been forced to call her parents letting them know she wouldn't be coming home for Christmas. She used her flu as a convenient excuse, failing to mention she'd be spending it with Charles instead. She still hadn't told then, and Charles, listening outside the bedroom door as she had made the call earlier in the day, felt more than mildly irritated by the lack of mention of him.
"You! Get out of me way." Dave demanded downstairs and he heard her name being called. "Molly? Molly?"
Molly sat up and moaned out. "I'm here dad. Upstairs."
And instantly her red faced irate father appeared at the bedroom door.
"You gonna tell me what the bloody hell is going on." Dave barked at her.
As Molly struggled to sit up she saw her Mum and Charles hovering behind him. Both worried.
"Like I said." Molly attempted. "I've got the flu and I ain't coming home for Christmas. Sorry."
"Yeah? Yeah? We get that." Dave spat out. "Came all the way over here cause your mother there was so worried about you being on your own and that. Only to get here to find you've pissed us off to shack up with him!" He stabbed an angry finger in Charles' direction.
Charles and Belinda pushed forward into the room. Charles went towards the bed to help her get more comfortable. It took him less than a minute to rearrange her pillows and pass her a drink. Once he was done Molly lovingly smoothed her hand over Charles' and smiled her gratitude at him. He returned her smile with one of love, and automatically pecked her forehead.
They both heard Dave growl at the sight.
"It ain't like that Dad." She began. Trying to mitigate the situation.
"What the actual fuck." Dave spat out as he watched it all. "Are you bleeding serious Mol? You and him? Again?"
"What's going on Molly?" Her mother who had been rooted to the spot and dumb up until now spoke. "What you doing my girl?" Her head swinging between her husband and Molly as she spoke.
Molly saw the hurt on everyone's faces, and felt Charles stand up and pull away from her. She inwardly moaned.
No one spoke. All three of them looked at her for an answer.
"I'm sick. Ok. Got flu." She started. "And Charles is home for the holidays so he's been helping to look after me. "
Dave let out an unbelievable laugh.
"And that's all is it?" He shouted at her pointing his finger at Molly. "That's all. This shit, him that cheated on you, and you're telling me there's nothing going on with him." He leaned close. "You've always been a bloody fool with men, but don't think we are."
"Dave!" Belinda shot out and looked at Charles and Molly in turn apologetically.
She knelt down next to her daughter.
"Tell us Mols? What's been going on?" She stroked her brow like she was a little girl again.
"And it best not be what I bloody think it is." Dave interjected. Shuffling behind his wife.
Molly looked helplessly at Charles.
Bravely Charles began. "The thing is Dave, Belinda. Well the thing is." Charles stuttered on and stopped.
"Oh shitting hell. We're together." Molly shouted. "Me and Charles we're giving it another go."
"What!" Dave slammed his hand on the door frame.
"Mols?" Her Mum began standing up and moving away from her. "Are you? Well I mean... is it?"
"Look I know it's a shock and we wanted to tell you." Charles began. "But yeah." He moved over to sit next to Molly. "We're giving it another go."
"Oh sweet..." Dave stepped dangerous close to Charles and he stood up, almost squaring in front of her father. "You broke her heart. You and that plastic tart. Sent her off to another country, where her heart just broke all over again. What you doing this for, ain't once enough?"
"I love her." Charles said calmly and stepped backwards. "We love each other." He sort out Molly's eyes that were full of tears.
Dave almost softened and turned to look straight at Molly. He too noticed the tears. His words softer than she had heard for a long time.
"You're still me little girl Mols." His eyes seemed to gloss over too and he sniffed. "You're still me baby. He'll hurt you."
She leaned forward to touch his hand.
"Dad. He's explained. He weren't right." She looked at Charles who nodded slightly. "It wasn't him. He was ill. He suffered too."
Dave stood transfixed by her words and the look that past between them.
"He loves me." She simply said and Dave watched as Charles nodded. "And I love 'im."
"I do." Charles confirmed. "I'm so sorry for what I did, but I do love her. Never stopped."
"Yeah?" Dave said angry again. "Well if you really did mate. I mean really did love her then you'd piss off right back to where you came from and leave her alone." He turned to leave. "Cause you mate." He shouted as he walked down the stairs, glaring at Charles. "Are toxic to her and she's better off without you."
Belinda hesitated, was almost going to say something, but didn't and went to leave.
"Mum?" Molly began in a last ditch attempt to clear it all up. "I was gonna tell you. Honest."
"Yeah but you didn't Mols, did you?" She smiled sadly. "And that hurts, cause you always did."
"I'm sorry Mum." Molly said. Sounding like a little girl. "I just didn't know how to."
Belinda too started to leave the room.
"You used to tell me everything. I've always been there for you." She sighed. "Just remember Mols when he hurts you again, and you know he's going to, just remember it will be your Mum who's there for you...again." And with that she left.
As they heard the front door gently close behind her parents they both stared at each other, wide eyed and in shock. Neither of them spoke for a while. Too stunned, then finally it sunk in and Molly burst out crying.
For the past five days Molly had slept in her own bed. Charles had dragged a chair into the room and had spent most of the days and nights dozing on that. He'd looked after her as the flu took hold and made her weak and dependent. Even though she was miserable and frustrated, she still felt special by his care. But now he wasn't here. She'd woken up to an empty room. He was gone, and now all she felt was alone.
After her parents had burst into his home, and shouted at them, she had cried. He held her, and she cried more. She'd cried out of guilt, out of feeling ashamed and she'd cried because she just wasn't strong enough, neither mentally or physically, not too. During all that time Charles had just held her. Hadn't said a word, was simply just there.
She knew she'd dozed off. She knew he'd covered her over with blankets, and she knew she'd woken up to an empty room. His usually resting place abandoned.
Knocking gently on his bedroom door she waited. Pulling her hands through her hair to try to control it into submission, she failed. Yet she did hear a soft noise from the inside of the room that gave her hope, and bravely pushed the door open.
She saw, due to the light on the landing casting a shine, him sprawled out face down on the bed. The covers had slipped away from his body and in the semi light of the room she saw an outline of his naked body and behind. Two perfect peaches glowing in the dark. The muscles obvious on his sculptured back, and his beautiful face half hidden in the pillow. It was evidence of an exhausted sleep. The type of sleep he used to fall into after tours. The type of sleep she was always reluctant to disturb him from, but tonight she knew she had to.
Stepping forward to be closer to his bed she whispered out.
"Charles can I come in?"
Instantly he woke.
"What's wrong? You ok?" Even on waking from his deep sleep his first thoughts were of her. He turned his body over and sat up full of concern.
"Can I come in?" She asked with trepidation. "Bit tatters out here if I'm honest." She pulled her night dress down to emphasise the point.
He pulled back the duvet up from the floor and flicked on the bedside light. Nodding his head at her.
She didn't need asking twice and moved in next to him.
"Missed you when I woke." She laid her head on his chest as he lay on his back staring at the ceiling. She noticed he didn't attempt to hold her.
"Yeah?" He replied automatically. "Needed a decent kip. Thought as you were a bit better, you'd be ok alone."
"Good idea." She said, and that was all.
She desperately wanted to talk, but his coldness towards her stopped her. They stayed silent for a while and eventually he leaned over and turned the bedside light off.
"Night." He said.
"Night." She managed to say out in a normal voice before he shuffled and gently rolled over moving away from her hold.
The silent tears rolled down her face. She could feel he'd retreated from her. That he's taken her parent's words to heart, and they had wounded him. The guilt that he had battled with since his destructive deed with Georgie springing up fresh in his mind once more, and she feared he'd begin to close himself off again.
Of all the scenarios of their first Christmas Eve together for many many years Molly had not expected this one to begin in such a shitty way.
Sleep had kept her from hurting all night, but as she woke up next to his stiff body, the guts and fear came rolling back. And so did the hurt.
"I'm sorry about me parents." She started. She knew he was awake. She was still attuned to his body. "It was just a shock for them that's all." She finished.
"I guess it was." Was his reply, then after a while he continued. "It was bound to be. Wasn't it? After all you hadn't told them about us. About me?"
"I was going to." She sighed. "Just didn't... hadn't. That's all." She leaned up onto her side to look at him. Wondering if he'd moved all night as he was still on his back just staring. "It doesn't mean anything that I didn't you know?"
His head whipped to look at her.
"Doesn't it? Really Molly?" He asked. "There's me telling everyone that I meet about us, making plans, changing my life so we can be together, and you..."
"I was going to tell them." She burst his run.
"And you..." He continued over the top of her. "You didn't even tell your parents about us."
"I know. I'm sorry. I fucked up." She lay back on the bed. Flat alongside him. "Sorry."
"Shit Molly." He sat up and started pulling on his jogging trousers and t shirt. "You hadn't even moved back into my room. Stayed in the spare like a fucking lodger. Like it was something temporary."
And with that he left the room.
She wasn't going to let this happen again. Years ago she'd have run after him. Hotly shouting at him. Demanding loudly an explanation, but not anymore, they weren't those people anymore. Instead she slipped wearily from the bed and headed to the shower. She tried to freshen up, brush her teeth, dry her hair. All tactics to calm her down and to give him space.
By the time she eventually went downstairs, she was unrecognisable from the Molly of the past few days. She had clothes on, and she was wanting to talk.
He emptied the washing machine and looked up at her as she entered the kitchen. Surprised at her being dressed and normal. He raised his eyes briefly to her, but returned back to the sorting. She knew he'd felt ashamed, maybe even angry, and she knew they needed to talk.
Waiting until he stood again, she went up to him and she slotted onto his arms, taking him unawares.
"Talk to me?" Was all she asked.
He moved himself away from her and perched on the kitchen table, staring at his feet.
"I didn't realise." He said.
She was unsure what he meant but so happy he was talking for her. She stayed quiet hoping he'd go on and he did.
"It wasn't just our lives I broke. It was everyone else's too."
She watched as he pulled a chair out, sat and started to rub his leg. The 'bad' leg. The leg that had taken two bullets meant for her, and then the bloody bore trap. She knew it ached in the cold weather, and when he'd been over using it. She guessed the past week or so of looking after her must have put a strain on it.
She pulled the chair out next to him and gestured that he put his leg up on hers so she could massage it.
"Here let me." She offered and he gratefully accepted.
Her fingers expertly helping with the throb he felt. He leaned back slightly and she saw a modicum of relaxation cross his face.
"Go on." She said quietly as she avoided eye contact and concentrated on his muscles.
"The happy ever after. The fairy tale of us." He put his hand out and covered hers so she stilled slightly in her work. "Others had dreams, hopes, beliefs in us. In our lives. When I did what I did, I hurt them too."
"Yeah." She said sadly. Still not looking at him. "I guess you did."
He pulled his hand away from hers. Shocked at her truthfulness. Her bluntness. She continued.
"Mum, Dad." She said. "Thought the world of you. You knew that? They never imagined you'd hurt me. It floored them when you did. That's what last night was all about. They're just looking out for me."
"They think I'm going to hurt you again." He said. Then after a pause asked. "Do you?"
Slowly Molly looked at him and he pulled his leg from hers and leaned forwards. Awaiting her reply.
"I don't know." She began. Wanting to turn away from his painful gaze but didn't. "I mean I guess I'm hoping you won't. Believe that you won't... but who knows?" She asked. "Cause last time I didn't see it coming. Who's to say that I will if there's next time."
"Shit Molly." He jumped up. "Next time? You think I will?" He raised his voice. "You think I would again?" Then leaning in to her close he said softly. "I'd never."
She stayed sitting, clasped her hands tightly in front of her. Looking somewhere over his shoulder.
"You can't promise that." She said simply. "But I believe this time you'll really try not to."
He froze. He knew he'd been forgiven. Thought they were moving on. Amazed she still had doubts. However small.
He moved away from her and fiddled with the washing again. Watching her watching him. Her lip was pulled in and she worried it. Her eyes giving nothing away. Still she was here, with him, and that had to be worth something.
"Do you think we'll make it?" He asked. He didn't want to know the answer but guessed he needed to know the answer.
She stood, moved over to him, and held onto his arms, anchoring him as much as herself.
"I do." She said honestly. He felt the breath he'd been holding leave his body, but she continued. "Cause the alternative is too painful for me to consider." She replied. "I can't live without you. I know that." She smiled at him. "Tried it and failed. To even think I'd have to do it again is...well...unthinkable."
He allowed her to hold him.
"So I'm your booby prize then?" He asked with silent fear, with a voice a lot stronger than he felt. "You tried a life without me, and cause it didn't work, you're going try again with me?"
"No." She said in earnest. "From the moment I met you I started to live the life I was meant to live. With you... I can do that. Without you... I can't. I need you Charles in my life."
"Why?" He asked. "Why forgive me? Why take me back?"
"Cause I love you. You muppet." She stood on tip toes and steadied herself by holding on to either side of his face. "Because you're my everything, and nothing is worth anything if I don't have you in my world. I love you."
He seemed to accept her words, and allowed himself to be kissed by her.
For now he accepted her words, but still there was doubts, and with that first doubt there started a slow germ of fear to grow in his heart that maybe, just maybe, her forgiveness and acceptance of his sins wasn't enough for them to make a go of it.
That maybe they wouldn't make it.