A Renaissance of Passion
by Castlefan6
Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!
I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.
Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.
Previously
"You know I waited so long to hear you say those words, but after the last few days, I realized, it's not important who was right, who was wrong, just that we worked through it, with love and respect. Please, no more I'm sorry, we both have plenty if we kept score."
"Well, I am sorry I hurt you again last night, you were right and I fell back into old ways, I'm glad you called me on it right away."
"Well, if that was any sample of how our fights are going to end, then be prepared to fight every day, God, you were so HOT last night, I had no idea,"
She smiled shyly, "Well, let's just say that we won't have to fight to have makeup sex, OK? I mean we could skip the fight and just move to the sex part; I love you, and when we make love it makes me forget the fool I was for so long."
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Chapter 9
The Hamptons
8:15 AM Next Morning
FLASHBACK 8 Hours
The night had been more than Kate could have ever expected, not one word of either's hurtful past actions were mentioned. They recounted the flirtatious moments each had shown the others over the years, and what they had been thinking when it occurred. Kate had to remember, she had never told Rick how she felt, really felt with the actions of both him and her.
He truly had no idea, of how much she was and had been in love with him, and had been since the Candela case. She closed her eyes and saw him crawling on the floor, looking for the little girl's rabbit, how she awoke, and pretended to still be asleep so she could witness a Dad being a loving father, nothing else.
That night sealed it for her, he was her one and done, but how would she tell him, hell what if he didn't want her? It accounted for some, not all of, but the attempts to make him jealous to gauge the interest. She didn't say as much, she didn't have to, he picked up on it in their conversation.
"So, you can tell me now Kate, when did I go from pest to someone, you might consider being in your life? I think I know but again, I stopped assuming, I want to know from you."
"Well, I'll tell you when you tell me, when did I go from the next notch in your bed to someone who you cared deeply for? Not that I don't trust you, but write it down, I need these for my Forever Box, I told you about. Someday in the future, I'm going to pull these out and remember this time, especially this night in our lives, it's what gets, well got me through the days Rick."
Rick smiled, pulled two sharpies from the nightstand and two small pads, and handed Kate one.
"You always keep writing materials this close to bed Rick, something I should know about, some secret quirk of yours?" Kate asked half laughing but serious at the same time.
He laughed, "Sometimes I would wake up with a book or chapter idea, I don't know if I dreamed them or they just came to me, anyway when I first started writing I just thought I'll remember but I never did. I started keeping pads and sharpies to capture the thoughts the moment I woke, it proved to be some of the best scenes I ever wrote."
"Like page 105 of Heatwave Rick?" Kate smiled,
"A writer never discloses his inspiration," he laughed, "You have a question to answer.
Kate took one of the pads and pens, and began to write, hiding her answer from Rick.
"You better be answering my question if you ever want to hear mine" she kidded,
She wrote very clearly, "I was sitting in the rocking chair at the Candela house, Will was somewhere, I didn't care, but I heard a noise and opened my eyes slightly, there you were, crawling on your hands and knees. I closed my eyes and watched through the tiny slit in my eyes, you were on a mission. I pictured you doing this before, probably when Alexis was small, crawling on a floor with a $4000 suit on, to help find a little girl. I was leaning towards your kindness, but Rick, that was the night I truly fell in love with you.
"I pictured little ones of our own, a house, a dog, and my happily ever after. Then I woke and asked you what you were doing, your answer melted my heart. You knew how important that damn rabbit was to Angela, something Will and I both missed, and you had so much love for a little girl you had never met. I fell, head over heels for you but I had to hide it, why, well we've talked about all the stupid thoughts and pretend reasons, but that was the night Babe, I fell in love with you, and I still am."
Rick knew the moment his feelings turned from lust to love, the exact minute, after their first case it was still lust but changed the moment he saw Will trying to kiss her. Something inside of him clicked, almost like jealousy, which he had never been jealous of anyone he had ever been in a relationship with.
He wrote, "Kate, you turned down the man who wanted sex from you after our first case, I'm so glad you did. When I saw Will try to kiss you, something inside of me felt like it broke, it did, it was my heart, knowing that this was love and you were getting back with your ex-boyfriend.
"I cursed the universe for the rotten timing then when he was shot, and I had to admit to you, well what I had done. It broke my heart, I hurt more having to apologize to you, then turn and walk away knowing that I would never see you again than any time in my life, but you saved me, us, and I have been in love with you, I'm still in love with you and yes I am jealous."
When they both had finished, Kate before Rick, they sat quietly, waiting for the next move.
"I asked the question so I guess you should go first,"
"Why don't we exchange the notes, then we can talk about them, OK?" Kate asked her eyes pleading, Rick would and could never refuse her anything with that look.
He handed her his paper, as she did to him, both were quiet for a long while, then she turned and looked at him,
"I was never getting back with him Rick, I had already moved on, my heart wasn't free, it was yours already. I just was so stupid, I didn't know how to handle it, or believe it. Doctor Burke told me I had instilled a guilt complex to keep me from being happy until I solved Mom's case, he was right."
"You really had visions of kids, the white picket fence, and our lives that far out Kate? I mean I loved you, I would have married you then and started that life if I only knew. I want what makes you happy, whatever that is, but I won't apologize for protecting you the best I could, even at the cost to us both. I would rather stand and fight with you than to visit your grave, place flowers and cry my heart out"
The remainder of the night went with few words spoken, other than the universal physical language of love,
PRESENT TIME
Kate awoke alone with Rick's side of the bed cold. She slipped out of bed and saw him sitting on the veranda, drinking a cup of coffee, looking out over the bay, something was off with him. She slipped a robe on, and joined him, he had her coffee warm in a small thermos and poured it silently.
"How long have you been up Babe? I'm sorry I never felt you leave the bed"
"Oh, a couple of hours, breakfast is in the warmer if you want some, and I know how you are without your coffee," he smiled, but Kate knew something was really bothering him.
"Rick, I love you, I know you love me, but Babe, you are hurting now, and we promised, no more lies, no more secrets, talk to me love"
He looked up at her, and his eyes were filled with tears,
"I hope you can still say that after we talk today, this is the tough part, and I don't want to start and have to stop again. Why don't you get a shower, I'll re-heat breakfast and then after we eat, we can talk about England, and I'll answer your questions, OK?" His voice was quiet, sad, and almost regretful,
"Rick, I know you had a relationship with Beth, you can say her name, I know you're trying to keep from hurting me, but Babe, when I get back from my shower, please just talk it out, no holding back, no blaming yourself, or anyone other than us both. OK? I'll be back soon," she crossed the veranda, took his face between her hands and kissed him, trying to show him the love her heart held for him.
Xx
They had settled on the couch, the cool ocean breeze serving as the air conditioning they needed, Rick had her coffee ready, he was drinking water, and nervously twisting a paperclip until she reached over and gently took his hands,
"Ready when you are Babe, please don't hold back, not knowing as you know is worse than hearing the truth from you. It takes away all my imagination conjures up so often," she leaned in and kissed him softly,
"Well, here goes, when I first left the precinct, I had no idea what I was going to do, all I knew was I couldn't go back, not again, I couldn't see you in the arms of another man again. I walked a while, then I went to visit Roy's grave, it was really hard but I had to say goodbye to him. I knew I had to leave to save my sanity and allow you to be happy, that's what true love, well in my mind does, stand aside if someone can make you happy.
"I saw the spot, well where I held you and told you I loved you, I guess I said it loud enough for New Jersey to hear according to Lanie, I had to remember that you were OK, and you were back to being Kate.
"I got a call from Gina, telling me that Alexis was worried about me, so I went home. Gina loves me, Kate, I want you to understand that, and also that I love her as well, just not enough to try marriage again. Well, she was there when I got home and she knew in a minute something had happened. I'm not sure when Paula showed up, or if Gina had called her, but later that evening I was offered the three-week book tour that Patterson canceled last minute, and I took it.
"I sent the email to Roy and Bob, never thinking that you would care, in fact, I thought it would open the lane for you and Josh, so he would stop being jealous of something that could never be, not as long as you were with him. I was really surprised when I heard Bob went nuts, chewed Commissioner Boyle out who took a pound of flesh from Roy. I never intended for it to go past Bob and Roy that I was leaving for my 'real' job nothing more. I'm sorry it got blown up out of proportion.
"I never brought up the summer I went away, how I was treated, so not sure how Bob found out about that, but that was what set him off. He told me to come back, pick my Detective, hell pick my precinct, and he would be sure things like almost getting shot by Ryan, and the put-downs that Roy heard from you, Demming, and Esposito, would never occur again. I told him I appreciated the offer but I had a job and now I had to get back to it, he knew there was more, so I think he grilled Roy.
"Well I left for the tour, and Gina, well she was a friend, a great friend, and I know you think we fell back into bed together, everyone did, but we never did anything more than kiss. She told me I would find someone and it would hurt too much if we were that close physically, as well as being close emotionally.
"She was more attentive during the tour than she had ever been, I think she had talked to Alexis, and it was looking out for me for her girl. Alexis calls her Mom and is closer to her than she ever was or will be to Meredith. She handled everything and they even surprised me on my birthday, with Alexis and Paula showing up at the hotel with a cake and a small gift.
"It was touching, but then Paula dropped the news, the original deal that was offered when I turned them down had been more than doubled, with Gina taking over the American Operations for Fox Run. She had earned it. The royalties were unbelievable, they were tiered on a scale so one bestseller would ensure Alexis' entire family could live comfortably, even if they never worked.
"I turned that offer down once with hopes of more, and I was on the shelf less than a month later, so I took it, for me to escape and the added benefit for Gina. I knew in my heart I would cave and come running back if I were in New York, so I had to go.
"The money was too good, plus for me, it was the perfect timing to leave New York, I didn't have to see Deming in the halls, or hear Esposito tell of his days in Special Forces, but mostly, I didn't have to see you with Josh. I was shocked when you had the PDA with Tom, but when you cleared the path for Josh to visit the floor, well I knew this was serious and it was time for me to go.
"We were celebrating the new deal when Alexis noticed my phone vibrating, I think she caught your picture that came up, and she let me have it for being rude, then Gina, don't look so surprised, Gina told me not to lead you on, that you had hurt enough and now what I was doing was cruel, that wasn't me and I needed to get back to myself."
"Is that when you called me Rick? I knew something had to have happened, I had left hundreds of texts and voice mails, I acted like a school girl when I got your call, I was so very happy, at least for a little while." she looked sad, and so afraid, as she breathed the words
"Truthfully, I called you because Gina asked me to, she told me I had forgiven her, at least I owed you an answer to let you move on, or apologize or both."
Kate's eyes flood with tears knowing now that it was another woman, his ex-wife that had convinced him to call her, more of obligation than of his desire to speak to her. It was a duty, a promise to Gina and Alexis.
"I'm sorry Kate, I told you the truth was going to hurt, you and me, but I won't lie, so if you don't want to hear any more just tell me"
"No, No, I'm sorry, please go on Rick, you're right it does hurt but we need to work through this if we will ever get all the way to where I think we both want." She wiped her eyes, and sniffled, willing her tears to stop,
"Well you told me about Josh being unfaithful, I knew all along he was a player, but no matter what anyone had said about him, you would react twice as strong in his defense. Espo wanted to tell you when he saw him with another woman, and I told him not to, you would find out when you were ready to open your eyes. You're the best detective in New York, you only get fooled for a while till you figure it out."
Kate shed a few more tears, then quickly nodded to go on,
"I was sincere about the pain you went through, infidelity, even with someone you really don't love still hurts, and no one, no matter what the relationship deserved to feel as that makes you feel. The look on your face tells me you didn't know that Meredith cheated on me when Alexis was in the crib, you probably just assumed it was my fault. That's OK, it's what most people do, better to have your Dad a playboy than your mother a slut for Alexis sake."
"I wanted to enjoy you hurting, I really did, but I loved you and when you hurt, I hurt. I made a call and Josh, well we'll just say he wasn't hurt physically but the sight of three mobsters throwing him into the trunk of a car, and letting him think he was headed for his execution will hopefully make him more faithful in the future.
"He cried like a baby when he thought his life was ending, so the fear was enough retaliation for me, I know you wouldn't have approved so I'll say I'm sorry for you, but not for doing it to the smug bastard who twisted the knife in me every chance he got."
Kate was crying harder now, and Rick chose to take a break, he walked out on the veranda, to give her some space. He wasn't sure why she was crying, for Josh, for him, for whatever, he wasn't assuming anything anymore.
He knew she was hurt by his words, but until he got it all out, he would always harbor some resentment towards her, and that wasn't a good recipe for long term relationships. He looked out over the water, listening to the waves intermingled with the tears of the woman he loved, one relaxed him, one tore his very soul from his body, but he had to get through this.
TBC