A Renaissance of Passion
by Castlefan6
Authors Note: Continuation of the Fic, A Long Way Home, picks up immediately after the ending. Another What If based on the episode, COUNTDOWN, what happened if Rick didn't return to the precinct after leaving after seeing Kate in Josh's arms? It starts with Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. The journey continues with a new Kate and Rick, hope you enjoy!
I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.
Also, we may take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.
Previously
"I was sincere about the pain you went through, infidelity, even with someone you really don't love still hurts, and no one, no matter what the relationship deserved to feel as that makes you feel. The look on your face tells me you didn't know that Meredith cheated on me when Alexis was in the crib, you probably just assumed it was my fault. That's OK, it's what most people do, better to have your Dad a playboy than your mother a slut for Alexis sake."
"I wanted to enjoy you hurting, I really did, but I loved you and when you hurt, I hurt. I made a call and Josh, well we'll just say he wasn't hurt physically but the sight of three mobsters throwing him into the trunk of a car, and letting him think he was headed for his execution will hopefully make him more faithful in the future.
"He cried like a baby when he thought his life was ending, so the fear was enough retaliation for me, I know you wouldn't have approved so I'll say I'm sorry for you, but not for doing it to the smug bastard who twisted the knife in me every chance he got."
Kate was crying harder now, and Rick chose to take a break, he walked out on the veranda, to give her some space. He wasn't sure why she was crying, for Josh, for him, for whatever, he wasn't assuming anything anymore.
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Chapter 10
The Hamptons
Later Same Morning
Rick was on the veranda for about 45 minutes, allowing Kate to regain her composure, he promised not to lie, but it was harder than he thought, especially when he saw and heard her cry. The one thing he tried to keep her from he was now causing, but there was no other way. God, he hadn't even gotten to Beth and he, what was she going to do then?
His thoughts were interrupted with Kate clearing her voice, and handing him a bottle of cold water, she had an Iced Tea, and although her eyes were sad, she put on a strong front, and said quietly,
"I thought maybe we could sit out here for a while if you don't mind when you're ready to continue, and I'm sorry I stopped you by crying."
"Kate, I don't want to hurt you, none of the things I said, or will say are designed to hurt you, but if we don't talk about some of this, then it will fester someday and cause a big blowup when one or both of us are lulled into thinking we are home free, I can't take that chance. My heart isn't going to survive another one of those episodes,"
"I know Rick, and you're right, we do need to hear each other's side, there has been far too much confusion because we didn't just say what we felt, so please when you're ready," She sniffled, but her eyes no longer had the tears waiting to fall.
"Well, I know it hurt when I told you I called you because Gina asked me to, but when you told me to check with Eduardo when I got home for my present, I was thoroughly confused. Then the copy of Casino Royale, I thought you had raided your 401K trying to get me to talk to you, and I felt really bad. I know I insulted you when I asked if I could go half on the cost, but I hope you know where my heart was." He looked sheepish, almost like he was expecting her to bail or to scream at him.
"Rick, I was offended, well at first then I realized that it was just you still trying to protect me for my future, and I thought it was very sweet. You had spent $100K on Rathbourne, without you I never would have found out who my Mom's actual killer was, so the few dollars I spent was not out of my budget. I can see where you would think I was trying to buy my way back, and I'm sorry for that, even more, that you've been treated that way your entire life.
"I was afforded a life of privilege, and I act like a spoiled bitch, you were raised by a single Mother with enough hardships you have every reason to feel sorry for yourself, yet you never did. It made me think of your life, and I just wanted to show you for once in your life you mattered, more than anyone else, you matter to me. My timing sucked, I should have waited till we were at least talking, but I would do it all again, I know you love it, and the call was worth the cost." She smiled through her red eyes, and took his hand, patted it gently, "Thanks for loving me, I know I'm a mess"
He smiled, then continued slowly, "Well once the deal with England was finalized, I needed to finish the Heat Series, I told Gina, to use it as fill in for the Bond novels, so we went to the Hamptons, Alexis, Gina, and I, with Paula joining us when she could. I completed the three books during the next three weeks, and Gina edited them, as I was writing. We worked some very long hours, one night, well day and night we worked 36 hours straight, and then crashed together, fully clothed, and slept. Just so if you hear stories about that, I want you to know the truth from me first.
Rising Heat didn't take long, it was a recap of us, but Exploding Heat was a release mechanism to let some of the hurt, frustration, and disappointment of us out of my system, Gina made some major edits that I'm glad she did now, it would have been too hurtful the way it was originally written.
"When I decided to end us, I had to end the series, so Extinguished Heat was a book I had worked on, in between you and I being partners, so I did some refinements, and again Gina did some major edits, to keep both of us alive, and as cruel as it ended in your mind it was originally submitted with a far worse ending for us both. I didn't even know she changed the ending until it came out, she knew better than I that words on paper are forever and can never be recalled.
"I wrote that book with a passion, a combination of love, hate, hurt, and confusion of what it would take to ever be good enough for you Kate, one day we were close the next I was watching a new boyfriend being paraded around, and it hurt, more than if you had just said go to hell, not interested.
Once again Kate's tears fall, Rick's handkerchief was out and handed to her as he barely missed a beat,
"The last few days at the Hamptons were bittersweet, I knew things were changing, Pumpkin would be at Oxford soon, and Gina would be returning after the first month to take over American Operations. I had imposed a self-banishment on myself for the 12th, and really Ryan and Javier were never my friends, they were yours. Roz, Ann, and Lanie were the only ones who reached out, we had lunch with Alexis and Gina before we left, and they told me to call them if I needed them, other than that, it was a lonely time, a very lonely time in my life" he looked out to the bay, almost like he was remembering the fear and hurt,
"I worried how I was going to face the days, without the two women who I knew loved me for who and what I was, even with all the flaws that everyone else seemed to always point out. Honestly, I was more concerned if I had the strength to be away from them more than if what I wrote would be good enough. Then we were there, and things started moving very quickly.
"Beth met our limo, and immediately liked Gina, had mixed feelings about Paula but stood her ground and took charge as she should have. Honestly, it was a nice experience, but to say my heart jumped out of my chest when I first met her would be a lie. She was attractive, and well built, something that bothered Paula more than anyone else, but to me, she was the courteous assistant that was always at my call for work.
"Gina loved her and they got along like sisters, often gossiping that stopped when I walked into the room. She arranged for the new house, Fox Run bought the one I wanted, and Beth duplicated the loft for my portion, and Gina's townhouse for the guest suite, she set up in the very back of the home,"
"How far away was she from you Rick?" Kate didn't want to ask, but she couldn't help it,
"She was all the way in the back, I had to use an intercom to let her hear me if I called, it was larger than the precinct floor, so not close at all. Well at first, until, well we'll get to that," he said clearly uncomfortable telling Kate when the arrangement went from professional to personal,
"Do you remember the first letter you wrote to me once you left the states, Rick?"
He lowered his head and quietly said, "Yes, it took me a week to complete it,"
"What did it say?" she asked, quietly,
"It was the Incorporation papers for your Mother's scholarship fund, and a brief note thanking you for your gift of the book." He said, honest but not completely forthcoming, he remembered every line, every word of that letter,
"Do you remember what your last line was to me, I mean it's been a few years, *"
"I said, Thank You for the Birthday gift, but please don't ever do that again, it is far too expensive for friends, much less associates", then I signed it, All the Best, Rick. I hope you realize that I never wanted to lead anyone on, especially you or Beth. It wasn't fair to you to offer you false hope, my heart was moving towards her and away from you, no matter how much I missed you, I knew I loved you but I couldn't put the hurt behind me." He lowered his head, knowing his words would indeed hurt.
"That's fair Rick, it hurts like hell to hear it, but I can see where I had really done a number on you, and Beth was offering something I never did, herself. To be honest, if the roles were reversed, I probably wouldn't have hung in as long as you did with me.
"I know, I'm sorry but I have to tell you the truth, no sugar coating it. I came back to New York for Alexis graduation and thought about seeing you, but well, it was a short trip, and time got away from me, not to mention my nerves"
"I know you were here, I was there, way in the back, I had my patrol clothes on, so not to stand out as a guest, but appear to be part of the security. I saw how proud you and Gina both were, Valedictorian was a great honor. She gave a great speech Rick, I'm sure that was a message to you that you will always be her North Star, and she'll always look to you for guidance."
"You were there, why? I mean why did you come to the graduation if you didn't want to stop and see us, I mean for years Alexis looked to you as a role model. Part of her problem with what you did, was her disappointment in you, not hatred." Rick said in astonishment,
"I know Rick, I know, but I was still pretty messed up then, and well, I didn't want to start something I wasn't fully prepared for, not yet. I mean Beth was right next to you, and I really didn't know how far you two had progressed, looking at her, she was a woman in love, it would have been too hard." She said sadly,
"I think I know what you mean, Bob's good intentions with the Award ceremony almost sent me into a full-blown panic attack. Gina was blowing in my face in the hall, and then Beth brought an ice pack to put behind my neck, I didn't think I was going to be able to walk up to the stage.
"It was too much, the memory of the freezer, the cold, waking up to see Josh, then hearing the words 'It means we have a chance' sent me reeling, proving once again I wasn't good enough for you. I wasn't ready to forgive, but I had to, or I wouldn't have been able to make it through the rest of the day. I turned and then I heard your voice,"
"I'm sorry Rick, I knew it was lousy timing but I had to at least try one more time to talk, I know you looked like I had sucker-punched you when I asked, "Can we talk",
"Actually, it felt like it, I just had gotten out of discussions first with Beth, then Alexis and finally Gina told me I owed you a face to face, not to stoop to one of that kind of people, I turned and there you were. To say it shocked me, yeah it did. I thought we could talk and then I could move back to my family but when I introduced Beth to you, she told me they were going to the loft, and per Gina, I wasn't to come home till you and I worked some things out."
"I'm sorry Rick but it was my only chance to get you to talk to me, you wouldn't answer my texts, my emails or my calls, and I didn't know why? I still don't." She said, sadly,
Rick looked like he had the other night, the color drained from his face his fists clenched, and then he controlled his voice, "You still don't know why I didn't return your messages, until my birthday, is that what you are saying, Kate?" She could tell something had hit a nerve, and badly,
"Rick, you look just like the night of our fight, please let me explain where I was coming from, and why I said what I did. I didn't understand why you just cut me off, we had problems in the past and you always would talk to me, even with Demming, you well we worked it out."
"No Kate, we didn't work it out, I swallowed my pride and thought it was better to have some relationship with you the way things were, and even if I had been runner-up, I still had something going with you, or at least the chance. That was before Doctor MB, even the guys at the precinct were surprised with him, anyway it ended any hope of me telling you how I really felt.
"You still don't understand, I didn't leave because I wanted to leave Kate, I left because I had too, or go crazy. Every time I thought we were on the same page, or even close you did something to push me away. After the bomb incident, and we both came as close to death, not once but twice, in one day, I figured you wouldn't need a lot of time to make your decision for who you wanted to spend your life with.
"Imagine how I felt when I saw Josh, walking towards us with his wicked smile and he wrapped you in a hug, one you didn't resist. I was done, no place else to take this partnership, not without watching the one I love get it on with her new beau, so you see, it wasn't a choice, it was survival.
"I didn't know that Josh and you had broken up until I called you to thank you for my Birthday present one month later, which was far too expensive, but how was I to know that it was my turn, you had grown tired of Josh, and now that I had moved on, you wanted me?
"I'm sorry if that sounds cruel, but put yourself in that position, you wouldn't settle Kate, no matter how much you loved, you would rather die, that's just you. Again, I know this may hurt your feelings, but even I have a breaking point, and Josh was it for me, I wanted to move on, and start over.
"The only problem I had was the one I was trying to leave, kept trying to hang on, no matter how many calls I ignored, and believe me, Kate, every time I did, I beat myself up with guilt and struggled to keep away from you. I didn't, no I couldn't continue to be the other half of Josh, the part that supplied your emotional needs, while you bragged about his sexual prowess, so loud it was embarrassing sometimes."
He was opening up now, and everything he was saying was the truth. She hadn't realized it but Rick had been the emotional relationship she lacked with Josh, God no wonder he hurt so badly.
"When we walked down to Remy's I heard you saying some of the same things, you were still the cop on a mission to seek revenge, or justice, your call for your Mother. I understood it, I did, but it became more to you, it was your top priority, everything else came next.
"I can't live like that Kate, you said you loved me, but nothing had changed except Josh, and to be honest I thought why is it she only wants me when I am with someone, I'm sorry Kate, that's cruel, but we're getting it all out now,
"Now, I had to make a decision, to try again with you, or go back to England with a woman who did everything for me, put me first day and night, and was madly in love with me, even though she knew you still held my heart, well I really had some thinking to do. Then 10 days later Roy called and our worlds changed forever,"
He got very quiet, then heard the chime of the clock, it was two o'clock in the morning, he looked down as he said,
"It's late Kate, I'm tired, you go on to your room, I'm going for a walk then turning in," as he headed down to the beach,
TBC