Don't normally do this this, but thought I' d put this chapter up a bit earlier than I intended, and dedicate it to a FFOG reader/writer who's in hospital at the mo. Hope this chapter fills in some of the alone time S.
Not saying it will make you better, but might just take your mind off RL for a moment or two. xxxx
Lizard
Chapter 18
She sat and watched them from the safety of her car which was once again parked opposite the house.
It was the second time in as many weeks that she had done this. She pretended that she didn't know why she was doing it, but she did. She was hurt. She was angry. She was alone. She was curious.
She watched them as they left the house and kissed each other goodbye. Both lingering more than expected. It was obvious that neither were wanting to say their good byes. Soon one headed one way, the other in the opposite direction. Even though they had parted from one another merely moments before, she watched as they both periodically turned back to check on the other's progress, and to offer a smile, or a wave, whenever they could. Their love for each other was plain for all to see.
It was hard for her to admit it to herself, but she did; all she saw was simple, pure, love. All she saw were two people that belonged together. All she saw was something she didn't have, no longer had, something she'd never have again. Something she had lost and something she missed so very much.
She stayed longer than intended once they had disappeared from her view, but had no desire to move. No compunction to drive away. Happy staying where she was. Content with mulling over what she had seen yet again.
But then she saw him, and her peace shattered. She was unsure how long she had sat there, but now knew she had been sat there long enough to be seen.
He walked slowly, cautiously, over to her car, and tapped on the window.
She hit the button and wound it down. Reluctantly.
"You ok?" He asked. The concern in his voice reminding her of their old times together.
"Yes." She replied, sharply. Still not really looking at him. Even just being in his company like this stirred up her emotions.
He looked up and down the street and then back at the house. Unsure if he wanted them to be seen or not. Knowing the trouble it may cause. That there would be questions to be answered, and maybe hell to pay if her was seen with her.
"You gonna let me in then?" He asked as he walked around to the passenger side of her car. Knowing inside the car was safer than out on the street for all to see.
She released the door and he slid in next to her. Instantly happy with the warmth the car gave him.
"You ok?" He asked again. Turning to look at her. Really look at her. It hurt him to see how pale she looked. How tired she seemed. A shell of the Georgie Lane he had once know. Had once served with.
"You already asked me that." Georgie replied, wincing under his scrutiny. She hated how his gaze felt like it was biting into her soul.
"I know." He said. "But this time I want you to answer truthfully."
It hurt her that he knew her so well. For a long time she had tried to keep others locked out. Letting people in, depending on them only caused problems. Both of them knew that. Both had learnt it the hard way. Yet he knew her and knew her well. Their friendship, the countless tours, the situations they had been, in all leant itself to a friendship that would never die. No matter what past sins had been committed.
"No." She sighed. "How can I be?" She half-heartedly asked. "Don't know if I ever will be." She added on quieter note.
"You know this won't help?" He dipped his head to the house she'd trained her eyes on. "Watching."
"I know." She sighed. "I just need some answers."
"Georgie." He began. "The only thing you need to know is they love each other. They're together and you have no place in their lives anymore."
She sneered at Fingers' harsh words, but realised their truthfulness.
"But how?" She asked him. "They get it all, and I get nothing. Why?"
"Don't know." Fingers replied honestly. "But that's how it is. Molly and Charles were mean to be."
Georgie stayed quiet for a bit. Thinking over his words. They were few, but in this case even she could see they were wise.
"So what about you and her then? Bella! You meant to be?"
It took him a while. He stared straight ahead. Working out the answer that needed at last to be said.
"Yeah. I do." Fingers admitted. "Me and Marie. We weren't good for one another. You knew that. Saw it yourself." Fingers paused. "As mad and an annoying cow that she is Bella is the one."
"The one?" Georgie laughed out. "What like your soul mate?"
"Yeah." He answered back with no hesitation. "My soulmate."
"Well I don't believe that bull shit." She spat out.
Fingers turned and looked at her. He saw only the tears in Georgie's eyes.
"Yeah you do." He said softly. "Elvis was yours. You know that. That's why all this hurts. Charles is Molly's. And it pisses you off."
"To fucking right it does." Her words were harsh but there was no power in her voice.
She continued.
"You've broken our Marie you know?"
"Nah. I haven't." Fingers replied. He waited and unusually for him measured his words before he spoke again. "She's annoyed I left. That I was the one who got out first, and not her. But that's it. We were over a long time ago." He explained. "She knew that."
He watched from the corner of his eyes at Georgie. Biting her nails and fidgeting. She looked tired, exhausted; his heart went out to her.
"So where to from here?" He asked her. "Cause this ain't right."
She leaned over and gently banged her head on the steering wheel.
"I don't know Fingers." She admitted. "Since Elvis. Since Charlie. All I've done is tour after tour, posting after posting... thought that was the thing to do." She lifted her head up and flopped back onto the headrest. "But seeing this... those two... how they've move on... back to how it was...well... I just don't know?"
"Yeah you do." Fingers said as he started to roll a cigarette. Expertly creating the perfect smoke from the paper and baccy he always carried. "You have to move on. Let go."
"Just like that?" She asked.
"There's no going back." He answered. "And no not just like that Georgie. It been over five years since Elvis." He placed the prepared cigarette behind his ear and touched her arm. "It's time to move forward. Live again."
"What like those two have?" She asked sneering. "Like you are?" She raised an eyebrow at him. Challenging him.
"Exactly." He said accepting the challenge. Pleased she'd understood. "For you to ever be happy again Georgie it's time to move forward."
"What if I don't want to?" She asked.
Fingers opened the car door and started to leave. Her question stalled him.
"You have to Georgie." He said simply. "Come on it's what Elvis would have wanted. Expected even." He smiled at her. "He loved you for your bravery. Your courage. Time to show him again just how brave and strong you are. Make his memory proud of the woman he loved."
And with that he was gone.
The tears flowed down her face as she scrambled through her phone for their playlist. Her and Elvis'. Once the music started, she dried her eyes. It was still something of 'them' she still had left.
A small smile came to her face as she listened, and remembered. Amazed as to the sense she had just heard from one whom she had doubted had such advice in him.
She been offered advice many times over the years. From those who loved her and from those who didn't, but today, Fingers' advice felt real. Today her heart had been ready to listen to his counsel.
She gave one last look at the home Molly and Charles shared. Offered a small wave, almost a salute, and pulled away. Driving back to her family in the north. Back to finally starting to move forward with her life. Back to being the woman Elvis loved and knew, and not the false shell of the woman she had become.
It was time. It was simply time for Georgie Lane to admit her mistakes. Face up to her errors and betrayals. Accept the friendships she'd lost because of it all, but appreciate she could move on. She could start again, and she would. Hoping to make everyone, especially Elvis, proud of her all over again.
He hated to see her cry, but that was all he'd seen over the past few days. The emotions of what she was going through made sure of that. His Molly rarely cried out of self-pity. It was all ways in anger or through hurt, but the tears he had seen over the past days were hard for him to watch.
He'd watched her walk out the door that morning, already with a puffy swollen face and a hitch in her breath. She had smiled sadly at him knowing that no matter what, he couldn't take away the upset she was to face in the day to come. He knew when she returned home there would be more tears, and he promised himself that he would be there for her. Dam her pride.
Their home life was turbulent still. Nothing was settled or calm any more. Their house guests still as noisy and unhelpful as ever.
It should have been unbearable, but both Molly and Charles had finally stated to zone out of out all. Had started to self-preserve. They now spent long periods of time away from their home. Walks at weekends, meals out and visiting friends meant their interaction with Bella and Fingers was at the minimum.
Still it wasn't enough. They needed to get away. They needed time alone. They both knew that. They needed time apart.
Charles rushed about the bedroom packing the bags. Desperate to leave before anyone got back and questioned him. He wanted a clean escape. He wanted it to be a 'fait accompli' by the time the house filled up again. He didn't want any questions.
The front door gently closed and he heard her call his name softly.
"Charles?" She called as she moved through the house.
His heart fluttered. He still loved that she called him by the name she had laughed at all those years ago, but he was sad that his plan to leave before her return was thwarted. His plans were now ruined.
She walked into the bedroom and immediately saw the suitcases full, and his sad and guilty look.
"Got off early." She explained. "What's going on?" She asked as the tears started to leak down her face. "You leaving me?"
He nodded as he moved over to her and held her.
Her face nuzzled into his chest made his jumper damp by the leaking of her eyes.
"Yes. I. Am." He kissed her head sadly. "Didn't expect you home. Had it all planned. Thought I'd be gone by now." He sighed. "Wasn't expecting to tell you like this."
She pulled away from him and smiled an unsure and teary smile.
"So?" She hoped there would be more.
"I was going to pick you up. From work. From your last shift at the charity." He drew in a breath. "Then drive us to off to the airport."
"Airport?" She beamed, though her eyes still watered, and she sniffed loudly and unladylike. "Sounds good."
"Doesn't it?" He smiled. "You and I. Two weeks. Alone in a hot country. What do you think?" He asked as he rubbed away the watery tracks from her face. Looking into her eyes as he did so.
"You've planned all this? Packed for me and everything?" She asked noticing some of her clothes in the pile on the bed.
"Yes? You don't mind do you?" He stepped back a bit from their embrace. Charles wondered if he had over stepped the mark. His independent Molly loved to be involved in plans, never liked just be told.
She move too now, and sat down on the edge of the bed and watched his concerned face. The past weeks had been draining for her. It had finally been her last week at the charity and she had so many goodbyes to say. She worried constantly she was doing the right thing. Another career change, more years of being unsettled ahead of her. Yet Charles had been the one to support her, encourage her. Telling her again and again just how brilliant a Paramedic she'd be, and so she'd made the leap of faith. Handed in her notice with the charity and accepted the place on the Paramedic course. And now here he was appreciative of all the energy that had gone into making this life change decision and was offering her respite. A break. With him. To somewhere hot.
She stood up and walked over to him.
Reaching up on her tip toes as he ran his fingers nervously through his hair. She stilled his hands with her touch covering them. She placed a small kiss on his lips, dry and cracked from his working of them because of his worry over the reaction to his surprise.
"It's perfect. Thank you."
His face instantly lit up and he pulled her into him and hugged her. Delighted with her acceptance of this gift from him to her.
"You don't even know where we are going yet." He teased as he kissed her again.
"Don't care." She said. "As long as it's hot, and away from Bella and Fingers." She glared at him for confirmation.
"Yeah. Don't worry." He replied. "Hot and definitely just the two of us."
"See." She smiled up at him as he held her. "Perfect."
Within hours they were at the airport, and the next day and a half of travelling went well. Both seasoned in getting from A to B, both happy with the queues, the process and the inevitable delays. Both happy to be in each other's company, but not dependent on the other for amusement. Happy with their own music and books, with their own entrainment. It's how they had all ways been when travelling, easy, calm.
The only thing they insisted on from the very first time they had travelled together, outside of their jobs, was that they sat next to one another and always, no exception, always held hands. Both on take off and on landing. It was these parts of the journey, when they were soldiers, that always marked a change. A beginning or an end, a separation or a return, and although they might have been in a plane with hundreds of other comrades, one always felt alone at these times. And so to have the freedom to no longer feel that sense of isolation, to have someone by your side, both took it up willingly. So hand holding was what they did.
They lay tangled in the thin sheets of the hotel rooms bed. Both very contented. The complimentary bottle of wine half drunk, the basket of fruit that came with the room picked at, both feeling a long forgotten peacefulness. That and the slow, unhurried love making they had just undertaken had just left them drifting off into a soporific paradise. The type that you only achieve when the views from the hotel room are more than you imagined, the afternoon sun is as hot as you wished for, and the person you most loved is nestled contently in your arms.
"Happy?" Charles asked sleepily.
"Bleeding happy." She replied. Stroking light circles with her fingers, moving lower and lower across his abdomen. Slightly tickling him as she brushed across his feathery down. The fine dusting of hairs that plotted a route to his happy place had always fascinated her. "Thank you. This is perfect."
"What even the embarrassment of being given the honeymoon suite?" He chuckled as he remembered the look on her face as they checked in.
"Oh that was well embarrassing." She hit his arm playfully. "You could have warned me."
"I didn't know. Honestly." He defended himself, truthfully, and she turned her naked body over to look at him. "Honestly! We just got lucky. Wasn't my idea." He repeated his innocence in the fact they now inhabited a luxury suite for the fortnight.
"Well. I guess it don't matter now, cause this." She swept her hand around the large room they were in. "Is amazing. Thank you." She kissed him sweetly on his lips.
"Right." He said with authority. Jumping out of her embrace and stood suddenly naked in front of her. Arms placed on each hip as he stood to attention before her. She grinned at the divine sight. "I'm off for a shower, and then thought we could explore." He suggested, rather than asked.
Molly rolled over and groaned. Even though he was years older than her he still had more energy than her, and still had that spirit of adventure, that sometime she wished he could forget in an attempt to lazing around for just a bit longer.
She watched as he moved away from her. His toned body, his delectable arse, caused a wide grin to spread across her face. How did she get so lucky.
"I know you're checking me out." He said just as he switched the shower room light on. "I know you Miss Dawes and your pervy looks."
"You complaining?" She shouted at him as he disappeared out of her sight.
"Not at all." He replied from the bathroom. "Look away. I'm all yours." He was silent for a bit and added. "In fact I reckon you could join me in here, you'd get quite a good close up." He shouted over the noise of the running water.
She giggled but had no reply and stared out of the room window. Enjoying the moment. The palm trees swayed in the breeze, the sound of the sea, the quite murmur of happy people outside. She knew it was going to be a good holiday.
She reluctantly pulled herself from the bed and looked at the cases still on the floor waiting to be unpacked. Knowing he'd not expect it. He never did, but wanting to, she decided to start unpacking both their cases. Slowly pulling out her clothes first, as she began discovering what he'd packed for her, then doing the same to his case.
She was half way through his when she saw it. It was partly hidden and she would never have seen it if she hadn't been doing this good deed.
A small navy blue ring box.
It was obvious what it was. There was no doubt and hesitantly she opened it up.
"Shit." She muttered under her breath.
It was beautiful. A delicate aquamarine square cut stone, mounted in platinum. Perfect. A million miles away from her old engagement ring.
The last ring he'd presented her with the first time he had proposed was, for one reason or another, memorable. It was a diamond, gold and although she'd loved it, it always felt it belong to someone older and wiser that her. She always felt it's weight when she wore it. Always felt it's oddness being on her finger, but she never said.
It had been a long while since she'd thought about that ring, and the memory of it stilled her. Of course she didn't have that ring any more, nor her wedding ring. Both had been sold very soon after Charles' betrayal, and their bounty went towards paying for her airfare to New Zealand. The only thing she had gained when she walked away from the marriage... a plane ticket!
It felt odd to be holding something so meaningful in her hands again. Odd to look at something and think it so beautiful, but to be so frighten by it at the same time.
Gently she touched it and wondered what to do. Again the enormity of her discovery hit her.
"Holy fucking shit." She said, this time a bit louder.
"I was expecting something a bit different to that!" He said as he walked towards her, still wet from the shower, his lower half wrapped in a towel. His face showed his concern.
She spun around, totally shocked, to look at him as he gently took the ring box from her and closed it.
"You weren't meant to find that." He said shyly. "Had that all planned too."
She looked at him apologetically. "Sorry." But it was too late. He had already seen the horror and worry on her face on finding the ring. He knew this was a bad idea. That he was going to get hurt.
"No. That's ok." He said and stroked her face with his damp palm. Looking into her startIed eyes, and her attempt to show a neutral face to him.
"You ok?" He asked. Though he knew the answer.
"Yeah." She said very, very slowly.
"I take it then by your reaction that this was a surprise?" He tried to hide his hurt with a laugh.
"You could say that." She whispered, still trying to look away from the box held in his hand.
"Ok." He moved away from her. "Let's forget it shall we? Pretend you never saw it."
"I can't do that can I?" She said. "I mean I take it is what I think it is?" She said pointing at his closed hand. "An engagement ring?"
"Yeah." He answered as he picked up the spare towel and started to rub his hair dry. Anything to avoid looking at her.
"So you were gonna ask me to marry you?" She said and he heard the panic rising in her voice.
"Yes. I was Molly." He put the towel down. Sitting down on the room settee, legs spread out in front of him and eyes concentrating on the floor.
"Had it all planned?" She asked, repeating his words from before.
He nodded and it was only the cushion dipping next him that told him she was still in the room. She'd been silent for too long.
Neither spoke for what seemed a life time to them both. Eventually Charles had to.
"So what do you think?" He asked
"I don't know." She replied honestly. She was surprised when he turned and looked at her and she could see the pain her words caused. "I mean I just didn't think you would ... you know ... again like." She shrugged her shoulders. Unsure what more there was to say.
"Right." Was all he replied.
"So you had it all planned?" She tried to tease and knew she shouldn't but was lost what to do or say.
Again he only nodded. "It wasn't going to be like last time." He clarified. Last time he'd done the big gesture, down on one knee, a speech, the works. This time he wanted to keep it simple, but just as meaningful, but he'd known from the moment he'd seen her standing there horrified, holding the open box that this was not going to happen.
More silence. They were both lost.
"Look let's just enjoy the holiday shall we?" He said with an attempt at mock cheerfulness. "Forget about it. Put it away and pretend you never saw it."
"But I did!" She said. "Bit of a surprise that's all." She attempted.
"Yes. I saw that." He sounded so sad. He looked out, past her.
"Look... I just need time." She reasoned. "Let me get me head around it. Is that ok?"
"Do I have a choice?" He asked desperately trying to keep the hurt he felt out of his voice.
"Well yeah!" She watched him zipping the ring box away in an inside pocket of his case. To him the matter was closed. "But you're right let's enjoy the holiday." She said with false happiness too.
She went up to him and hugged him. Slowly with lack of lustre he returned the hug.
"I love you." She said.
"Love you too Molly." He sighed. "So much."
"It..." She began. Needing to give him more. "It ain't a 'no'." She squeezed him. "It just ain't a question I'm ready to be asked again." She said.
"Again?" He mocked. There were traces of cruelness to his voice. "Again, by me or by anyone?"
"By you." She said shocked. "I mean it I love you..."
"But?" He questioned.
"I don't know." She replied honestly and was happy that he still held her. "All I know is it's you, only you, always you. And maybe one day I'll know."
He kissed the top of her head. He had to accept that. Anything with Molly was better than nothing at all. He'd had it all with her once and had hoped for it all again. That was his plan, his expectation, but now he feared that may not happen. That what they had now was all they'd have, and maybe he had to accept that.
"When you do know you will tell me won't you?" He rested his chin on her head.
"Of course. You'll be the first to know." And breathed in the change and sadness the past few moments had brought them.
She hadn't expected it, she wasn't ready for that again, but she did love him and never wanted to be apart from him again.
But she was scared and was starting something new, and her mind, courage and heart couldn't cope with everything at once. Not anymore. She'd been too hurt in the past to let that happen again.
She was starting another adventure, a new role, and she wanted this time for it to be about her. Molly Dawes, not one half of a couple like she had become once before. Not tied to someone else by name and or by law, because when she had last done that she'd lost everything. She very nearly even lost herself, but this time she didn't want that to happen.
For now, just for now, Molly was thinking only of her. Of what she needed. Sure that in time it would match Charles' wishes, but for now he'd have to accept she loved him and that would have to be enough.
For now.