"This is a terrible idea." Luke protested. "Like Jar Jar Binks terrible."
"Hey not all of us can have devilishly handsome comic relief characters." Anakin said, "All I had was a devilishly handsome lead character. That should be enough. And don't be such a stick in the mud."
"You had him hire a fake assassin!"
"No I had him hire a real assassin who's instructions are to set his blasters to stun." Anakin corrected.
"Anakin, I really must protest." Obi Wan said, appearing beside Luke. "This is a rather terrible plan. Worst than your usual plans."
"Hey my plans always work." Anakin protested. "It's gonna work."
"If you are so sure," Obi Wan said, with a slightly edgy smile, "How about we make a wager."
"Definitely." Anakin said with a smile.
"What are you even going to bet with?" Luke asked, "It's not like we use credits. We're ghosts."
"So what's your terms." Anakin said, ignoring Luke completely.
"If Rey and Kylo kiss by the end of today then you win," Obi said, folding his arms smugly. "But if they don't, I win. And Rey has to be ok with the kiss."
"What do I get if I win?"
"Anything you want."
"Fine, if I win," Anakin said, thinking, "You have to only refer to me as 'the chosen one' or 'galaxy's greatest pilot' forever."
"And if Luke and I win," Obi said, "Then you can never call me Obi 'Juan' ever again and will never…"
"Never say the word 'Reylo' ever again." Luke added.
Anakin was a bit taken aback at Luke's request, but the thought of having to listen to Obi calling him 'the chosen one' over and over again blinded his vision.
"Deal."
Anakin and Obi Wan shook hands, sealing their little wager.
"You guys are seriously betting on this?" Kylo said, a bit irritated.
"Don't worry," Anakin said, putting his arm around Kylo's shoulder. "There is no way I can lose. Step 2 is when you get your first kiss. Now go make grandpa proud!"
Anakin pushed Kylo into position, hiding behind a tree a few meters away from where Rey was eating her lunch. When Anakin returned to his fellow force ghosts, he found them both sitting on a log once again eating popcorn as they waited for the show to start.
"So we're going to see how you and Padmé fell in love via Kylo and Rey?" Obi questioned Anakin as he sat next to Luke.
"Yep." Anakin said pulling a boombox out of nowhere (the force), "It was an epic love story of passion and heartbreak. Two lovers torn apart by their roles in society."
"What's the speaker for?" Obi Wan asked because Luke was afraid to.
"Oh it's for their love theme."
"Their what?"
"Love theme." Anakin said, explaining though he was so certain that they already knew what he was talking about.. "Like whenever Padmé and I were in the same room, this weird song started playing. Don't you remember?"
"Oh that's what that music was at the battle arena?" Obi Wan said, putting the pieces together. "Weird place for a love theme to play, isn't it?"
"Well it didn't just play at the battle arena." Anakin protested, "It also played as I was surfing on the back of some random animal. Anyways I thought having some romantic music in the background would help things along."
"So when do you press play?" Luke asked, drawing attention back to the boombox
"When the two stare at each other for a really really long time." Anakin said, growing excited, "Of course that's a bit after the assassination attempt. Ooo it's starting."
On cue, several blaster bolts were shot at Rey from a bounty hunter who flew in on a jetpack. But he missed his target (on purpose) and started shooting several feet in front of Rey so that she would know that she was being attacked. In a feet of fake bravery, Kylo leapt a few feet in front of Rey and deflected the blaster bolts back at the bounty hunter. One of the stun bolts hit the bounty hunter in the chest, stunning him instantly and letting him fall to the ground but since his jetpack was one when he was shot he really should have stayed in the air but the image of a limb man flying in the air is too weird to think about so he falls.
"Are you ok?" Kylo said, turning to Rey who was eating a sandwich.
"Yeah." Rey said, her mouth full of food. "Was I ever not?"
"A...An assassin just tried to kill you." Kylo said, stunned by her calmness.
"He was a terrible assassin then," Rey said, her words a bit slurred due to the food in her mouth "He was using stun bolts and his aiming was terrible."
"Hm…" Anakin said as Obi and Luke both rolled their eyes at him. "That worked out better in my head…"
Rey was about to take another bit of her sandwich when Kylo used the force to take it from her hand. The PB&J (or whatever the Star Wars version of PB&J's are) flew through the air into Kylo's hand. He then tore off a piece of the sandwich, getting sticky peanut butter and jelly on his black gloves, and then used the force to make the piece of sandwich fly right up to Rey's mouth.
"What the heck." Rey said, going cross eyed at the piece of sandwich hovering below her nose. "Give me my sandwich back you nerf herder."
Rey used the force to snatch the sandwich from out of his hands and back into her own.
"This is so pathetic on so many levels." Obi Wan said, so disappointed, "I am so glad I was not around to see this the first time."
"Shush, it's not over yet." Anakin said, putting his finger to Obi's mouth.
"The government is really terrible." Kylo said, trying to get a conversation started.
"If by 'the government' you mean yourself," Rey said, tossing the piece of sandwich Kylo had used the force on into the field, "then yes, yes it is."
"Oh...yeah...right." Kylo said, remembering, "I kinda am the head of the government now...aren't I."
"How much longer is this?" Luke asked. "This is just...just sad. And that's coming from me."
"Well actually I think it's going way too quickly." Anakin said, rubbing his chin with his hand. "But here comes the main event."
Anakin pressed play on the boombox and a romantized version of the imperial march began to play.
"That's the best you could do?" Obi asked, ashamed for him.
"Pathetic." Was all Luke could say.
"Sorry but John Williams was busy writing a love theme for Finn and Rose." Anakin protested, trying to justify the less than lackluster 'original love theme'. "So this was the best he could give me."
"What is that noise?" Rey questioned, confused at the music that randomly started playing. "Do you hear that?"
"From the moment I met you," Kylo said dramatically, but Rey was more concerned with her sandwich than anything else. "all those years ago."
"We literally met like a few days ago." Rey reminded him.
"A day hasn't gone by when I haven't thought of you" Kylo continued his monologue, completely ignoring her confused and weirded out reaction to all of it.
"Has a day even passed yet?" Rey questioned, "I forget how time works in this universe…"
"And now that I'm close to you again, I'm in agony."
"Don't be such a baby," Rey said, "I didn't mess you up too bad with my lightsaber."
"The closer I get to you, the worse it gets."
"If you come any closer I will mess you up with my lightsaber."
"The thought of not being with you makes my stomach turn over - my mouth goes dry." Kylo said, seriously regretting listening to anything his grandpa ever told him. "I feel dizzy. I can't breathe."
"Part of me wants you to stop breathing…"
"I'm haunted by the kiss you should never have given me."
"We didn't even kiss!" Rey protested, shocked and irritated at the man. "We barely held hand. Not even that. Our freakin' fingertips barely touched! You are reading way too much into this."
"My heart is beating, hoping that kiss will not become a scar."
"If you don't stop this you will be lucky to only get away with a scar."
"You are in my very soul, tormenting me."
"Ben, you're weirding me out. Please stop."
"What can I do? I will do anything you ask."
"Then stop."
"If you are suffering as much as I am, tell me."
"Oh I think I am suffering way more than you." Rey rubbing her temples in irritation.
Everyone was in shock. Both Obi's and Luke's jaws were dropped so low a porg could make a nest in them. Rey felt uncomfortable as all get out. Kylo felt a bit of pride that he was able to memorize that whole monologue but mostly he was just embarrassed by that fact. And Anakin was surprised that that didn't work.
"She slapped you after all of that right?"
"You-you said all of that to Padmé?" Obi asked in shock and horror. "You actually said that. Like in a normal conversation."
"Please tell me that she slapped you afterwards." Luke said in horror.
"I would have arrested him." Obi Wan said, a bit offended, "And people said you were the ladies man of the group? What does that say about me…"
"She slapped you afterwards right?"
"I don't understand." Anakin said, puzzled, "She should look all conflicted not disgusted."
"Ben." Rey said standing up, and everyone's attention went back to the two 'lovers'. "I get that your a lonely emo teenager…"
"I'm literally 30."
"Keep telling yourself that." Rey responded, "But you need to understand that I am so not into you. You kinda killed both of my father figures. And murdered my friends. And blew up a bunch of planets. And...well whatever the heck that was...well it made me uncomfortable."
"Finally." Anakin said, "She said one of her lines at least somewhat correctly. Wrong scene though…But at this point I'll take what I can get."
"I have a feeling that that's what Padmé was thinking when you asked her to marry you…" Obi remarked followed by a hurt glare from Anakin.
"Good job Kylo!" Anakin shouted, foolishly encouraging all of this. "Rey'll come around! Just do the last thing!"
Kylo turned around to give Anakin a quick glare before continuing with the sorry excuse for flirting.
"I don't like sand." Kylo said, only a few steps away from Rey. "It's coarse. And rough. And irritating. And it gets everywhere."
"Now kiss!" Anakin instructed before both Obi and Luke were able to cover his mouth.
A bit surprised, but really eager, Ben planted a quick kiss on Rey's lips, so fast that Rey barely had time to register what was going on.
Rey stood there in shock for a few moments. She blinked a couple of times, processing what had just happened
"Do you know what else is coarse and rough and irritating." Rey asked, her furry begin to show, "You!"
Rey smacked him so hard across the face that it knocked him to the ground and left his gasping in shock.
"I can not believe you would do that!" Rey said, her face becoming bright red with both embarrassment and anger. "Honestly I thought you were more well behaved than this. Just when I was beginning to think you were somewhat civil…Argh!"
Rey stormed off leaving Kylo on the ground, still rubbing his hurt cheek.
"'I don't like sand'." Obi said, his voice filled with heavy disappointment and embarrassment, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and his index finger. "That's the line you used to win over Padmé?"
"It's a wonder how Leia and I were ever born." Luke said, shaking his head.
"I just don't understand…" Anakin said, completely puzzled. "That worked perfectly with me and Padmé."
"Yeah well I don't think Rey is anything like grandma." Kylo moaned in pain, moving his nose and trying to get it to stop hurting. "I think she broke my nose."
"You're lucky that she didn't pull a blaster out." Obi Wan said, "If I had tried that with Satine, she would have had me arrested and locked behind bars and Mandalorians aren't exactly known for their civilized prisons."
"Who's Satine?" Luke asked, weirded out at the thought that their was more than just four females in the galaxy..
"Possibly Rey's grandmother." Obi said, surprisingly calm.
"Obi's ex-girlfriend." Anakin explained. "They had a similar love story to me and Padmé's but mine ended up better. And he dares to say I don't give good dating advice."
"What are you talking about?" Obi Wan said, completely insulted and confused at Anakin's proclamation, "your love story is much worse than mine. Your's led to an entire war for crying out loud!"
"Yeah but you and Satine never had any kids." Anakin said, justifying, "Well at least that we're aware of. Padmé and I had twins."
"Oh yes because that makes up for the deaths of millions of people."
"That's besides the point." Anakin said, dismissed Obi's argument. "The point is that my way is going to work."
"It might have, somehow, worked for you," Obi said, still confused on how Anakin managed to get Padmé to love him with all that garbage, "But it will not work with Kylo and Rey. She hates him and always will."
"Don't listen to that crazy old fossil." a new voice said as another ghostly image appeared.
"Dad?" Kylo asked, staring at the ghostly image of Han Solo. "I thought only Jedi could come back as force ghosts. How are you…"
"The force."
"That's not how the force works." Kylo protested.
"Hey, that's my line." Han said, sternly, "Don't wear it out. Look kid, that was terrible."
"Hey!"
"It was, deal with it." Han said, "But I'm with Anakin on this one."
"You think that his plan is good?" Luke asked, not believing it.
"Of course not." Han said, being hilariously blunt as always, "That plan was terrible. But Rey and Kylo should be together."
"Why?" Kylo asked.
"Because I want at least one member of my family to not have tried to kill me at some point" Han said, "and at this point I don't care if it's an in-law."
Luke, Anakin and Kylo were about to all argue against Han's offensive statement, but…
"Yeah you're not wrong there…" Luke said, rubbing his arm awkwardly. "I did do a lot of stupid dangerous things…"
"I did kinda torture you…" Anakin admitted. "And put you in carbonite…"
"I'm surprised I even got to kill you," Kylo said, "I thought for sure mom would have long before I got the chance."
"So how many more steps of 'Annie's dating advice' do we have to endure?" Han said, folding his arms.
"Well step 3 and 4 are only possible if steps 1 and 2 worked…" Anakin admitted.
"And what steps would those be?" Luke asked.
"Well step 3 was to have a few years of an unhealthy marriage leading to her expecting twins," Anakin said, realizing just how unhealthy his and Padmé's relationship was, "but you don't know for like six months because you're off hunting down a robot with half a lung. And step 4 has her die mysteriously and your kids separated from you their entire lives and you have to save one of them because he refuses to pick up his stupid lightsaber and kill the man attacking him. And instead of thanking you for saving his life, he will just harass you about your 'terrible dating advice'."
Anakin gave a glare to Luke.
"...Thanks for saving my life…" Luke grumbled, rubbing his arm, embarrassed.
"Finally. Only took you 30 years."
"So what step was the marriage proposal take place?" Kylo asked, a bit curious.
"What do you mean?" Anakin asked, taken aback.
"Well Padmé was your wife," Kylo said, rephrasing the question, "so what did you do to ask her to marry you?"
"I-um…" Anakin muttered, puzzled by his own memory. "...What did I do?..."
"You can't remember?" Luke said, a bit shocked.
"Well I didn't do anything special, I know that."
"Wait a minute." Obi said, a bit angry and irritated at his old padawan. "You did all that dramatic and emotional stuff involving how much it pains you to be in love and all that junk. And you didn't do anything special for your marriage proposal? That's like the only time you are allowed to be over dramatic and emotional!"
"Apparently." Anakin said, trying to remember the details, "I don't know, everything after the battle arena was just a blur."
"Eh I think I was drunk when I asked Leia to marry me." Han said, sympathizing with Anakin, "I can't remember any of it. All I know is that one minute everything was great: empire destroyed, my stupid father-in-law got blown up, the other dude in the love triangle turned out to be the girl's brother. And then the next thing I know, I'm raising a kid."
"You did a great job with that." Obi said sarcastically.
"Hey I'm right here!" Kylo whined.
"I know." Obi Wan said.
"So we all agree that Anakin's dating advice was terrible right?" Luke interrupted, not really wanting to see what would happen when a force ghost fought someone alive.
"Agreed." Everyone expect for Anakin said.
"Good." Han said, his signature smug smile gracing his lips, "I think I'll take it from here."
"Are you sure that's a good idea…" Luke asked, clearly saying that he thought it was a terrible idea.
"Can it, kid." Han said, pointing to Luke. "I married a princess and kept her interested even when I was halfway across the galaxy. I know what I'm talking about."
Han put his arm around Kylo's shoulder.
"Com'on son," Han said, "It's time for your ol' man to teach you how to get a feisty woman."